Project Runway: Islands in the Stream

A priv’leged background
Is no substitute for taste
Good riddance, Laura.

I say this entirely without hyperbole: this is the worst season of Project Runway ever.

The talent in this group is at a catastrophically low level. None of these assholes would’ve made it past week 5 in any previous season. Possible exceptions: Viktor, who is skilled, and Anya, because Uli made it ridiculously far, so clearly they have infinite patience for women who make the same dress every week.

I have lost all patience with this show.

The only good thing I have to say about this week’s episode is that at least we don’t have to listen to Laura’s squeaky little voice again. Thank god. But even that…. Yeah, her clothes are awful, and her persona is working my last nerve. But that’s true of almost all of these losers. She’s really not that much more offensive than the rest of them; just a little dumber.

Let’s just do this, shall we?

Morning. New York. Atlas Apartments. Joshua and Victor sit around in the guys’ apartment trash talking Anya. Joshua says his sewing skills are impeccable. In the girls’ room, Kimberly mock-interviews Anya, who feels a lot of pressure after winning again.

Runway. Heidi hallows them, and welcomes to the final challenge. She says they need to “get out of the city a little bit.” So a ferry will be taking them over to Governors Island, where Tim will meet them.

They hop on board the ferry which whisks them across to Governors Island, and reflect on their experiences during the trip. I do not capture any of these reflections, however, as I am too focused on Joshua’s eye-searing wardrobe combination of some sort of ugly ass floral shorts and combat boots. It’s the visual equivalent of being curb kicked by an acid trip. (also -- SHEEEE-it, Kimberly is tall)

Anyway, they reach Governors Island where they are greeted by Tim, Leslie Koch, who is president of the Trust for Governors Island, and John Stern, president of the Storm King Arts Center. And blah blah blah, they’re supposed to be inspired by the island. They’ll need to make 3 looks that show range – so no making 3 pantsuits or sleeveless halter top sundresses, Anya. They’ll have a golf cart so they can tour the island, and then at MOOD they’ll have $500 and 45 minutes. And it’s a 2 day challenge.

So the designers zip around the island taking pictures of sculpture. Kimberly is inspired by a piece called “New Beginnings.” Joshua is more struck by the “artilerary” [sic, needless to say] because he has a brother in the military. Viktor likes the silhouettes of the city in the background. Anya is inspired by being in a new place, and Laura just yelps something incomprehensible in her Pomeranian voice as her cart cruises past.

They head to MOOD, where Kimberly is looking for a cantaloupe colored wool, which is unavailable – probably due to the cantaloupe recall. Can cantaloupe colored wool give you listeria? Laura buys lots of black and white patterns, and picks up close to $700 of fabric, so she has to pare down. “Laura thought I said five thousand dollars,” Tim says drily.

Back at Parsons, Kimberly realizes the orange wool she got was brighter and more orange than she wanted. And then Tim enters with the black velvet bag of doooooom. Commercial.

“They’re going to get help from old people,” one of my friends predicts.

“Like the elderly?” I ask, thinking that might make an interesting twist. Here is a seamstress with decades of experience to help you! She also has crippling palsy and dementia, so keep a close eye on her. Bonus: there is probably butterscotch candy in her purse.

“No, idiot. Past contestants,” he clarifies. Booooooo-ring. Bring on the elderly, Lifetime!

Back. Tim Gunn tells them he thought they could benefit from some help. Sure enough, it is “old people” – not the elderly (except for Bert, badum –bum) – but past contestants: Bert, Bryce, Anthony, Becky, and Obergrupen.

Tim draws the designers’ names out of the bag and they pick their assistants. Kimberly takes Becky, who is relieved because she didn’t want to work with any of the others. Viktor picks Omaha. Laura takes Anthony Ryan, shocked that he’s still available halfway through the draw. Anya picks Bert, who says “Hallelujah!” at getting her and not Joshua. Anya tells us that Bert is someone she’s come to enjoy. This leaves Joshua with Bryce.

Work work work. Bryce is shocked at all the bitterness in the final five, and that no one is lovin’ each other anymore. He helps Joshua edit out some of his flashiness. Bert likes Anya, and thinks she’s “a lovely, lovely person,” and the most talented one left. Viktor feels like Oleo is doubting him.

Anya tells Laura that Joshua is acting strange. Joshua is still apparently pissed about Anya winning $20,000 in the previous challenge. Commercial.

Back. Bert is thrown by Anya’s designs, which are complex like “origami,” but aren’t designed in such a way to reflect the realities of construction. Joshua frets about it being so difficult to work with plastic. Kimberly reflects that the more plastic Josh throws on, the better her chances for advancing get.

Tim thru! Laura explains her circle inspiration. Tim tells her the “stencil is such a big novelty item” that it’s a lot to use in all 3 looks. He inspects Kimberly’s station, where she is making a nice coat and a top with a keyhole that looks like something she picked up in P.G. County, possibly at the Beltway Plaza mall, maybe at the store I compared to the fictional “Dazzles” Selma Blair made up last season. Anyway, Tim questions her colors and calls one dress “statue of liberty.”

He thinks Viktor’s clothes feel very organic and very “you,” and tells Joshua “you are a risk taker. Take some risks.” He advises Anya to “keep your eye on all of the moving pieces.”

Their models enter. Anya basically has one of hers in a burqua, one of those very hard core ones where you don’t even get a slit for the eyes. Kimberly’s pants are rendered assless chaps once they’re on her model.

The models leave. Joshua shit talks Anya. Bryce tells him to focus. Kimberly is grateful for Becky. Viktor wonders if Anya even knows how to make a sleeve. It’s a legitimate question, as she’s made exactly one sleeve all season.

Laura floats by the camera again and chirps something frantic in her whiny parakeet voice, but I’m distracted by her weird caftan outfit. “It’s like Miss Havisham meets The Golden Girls,” I say. “Meets Wonder Woman,” adds one of my friends. “Meets Princess Leia,” says another. “Meets Michale Salahi,” says a third. Laura, perhaps sensing our criticism across time and space, cries. Commercial.

Back. Day of runway. Kimberly scraps her pants. There’s some sewing, and then Tim pops in to say they have two hours for their usual product placement nonsense.

Sewing sewing sewing. Viktor says he and Josh should be in the finale with one of the three girls. Laura’s prints aren’t lining up. Bryce is waiting for Joshua to instruct him in “the studding process.” (thatswhatshesaid….or he said).

There’s the usual hair and make-up flurry, then they come back to the work room to trash each other some more. Laura thinks two of Kimberly’s garments look like they have goiters. Joshua sees potential from Laura’s looks, but not Anya’s. He thinks he and Viktor are a lock for the top 3.

Tim calls time. Anya has issues with getting her ivory dress on her model – it starts out inside out and backwards. Commercial.

Lifetime airs an ad for some show about a town without women. It elicits wild cheering from all the homosexuals I’m watching the show with, indicating once again that Lifetime has grossly misunderstood the audience for Project Runway. And everything else about the show.

Back. Heidi Hallos them and reminds them that this show will determine who will create collections and compete at fashion week. One….or more… of them will be out. The judges are Kors, Nina, and Zoe Saldana.

The show opens with Joshua’s collection. His first look is a very nineties looking white dress with a sheer black panel at the shoulders. Then there are his separates….about which I have written merely “HIDDY fat looking trailer girl.” Check out the evidence for yourself at left. He closes with what my notes call a “cray cray silver toga.”

Kimberly’s first look is a cute red coat with a grey scarf. Then there is a PG county hoochie shirt with a silver skirt, and a silver cocktail dress with a cracked out pocket/growth on the side.

Laura has made a white skirt (right)with some sort of cuckoo bananas circle blazer. .. look, we recently found some old pictures of Easter 1990, where I have my fe-mullet pulled back to go to mass, and am wearing a suit of my mom’s that consisted of a poly-blend blazer and knee length culottes. Laura’s blazer looks on her model like that blazer looked on me – like the poor kid is stuck wearing something out of her mom’s closet in 1990. Anyway, there’s also a super boring slip dress, and a gown covered in circles that has the potential to be magnificent were it made by someone with construction skills, and out of fabric that cost any money whatsoever, but neither of these things are true and it looks like ass.

Anya’s collection opens with a very Bert-looking cocktail dress (left). Then there are some rust pajamas – sleeveless, of course. She finishes with a white gown that’s great in the idea, but not in the construction.

Finally we have Viktor, who starts with a skinny pant paired with a pirate jacket. There’s an office-y looking but cute top and skirt, and a lovely strapless black cocktail – well, I think it’s lovely. One of my friends thinks it gives her a “pointy fupa.”

Heidi makes her usual bland pronouncements, and then we go to commercial.

Back. Joshua explains his shitty work, and Kors tells him that his designs share a huge amount of diversity – “maybe too much.” Zoe Saldana likes the concept of the white dress, but hates the gown. Heidi likes the gown, but thinks the fabric looks inexpensive. Kors tells Joshua he’s a bit of a magpie.

Zoe Saldana loves Kimberly’s PG county top, and likes her coat. “All in all, wow,” she says. Kors tells her that the brocade dress is the strongest, but that the coat looks as though it’s made of an orange paper towel, and that the overall effect is “disco Halloween.” I would totally go to disco Halloween, btw. Heidi says her looks are like 3 different girls “a hot girl here, an exchange student from Holland, and a crazy girl partying in Las Vegas.”

Laura says something in her squirrel voice and then cries. Heidi says her gown has a lot of potential, but the slip dress doesn’t go with the other two. Nina says that she likes the lattice work, but the third look doesn’t fit. Zoe Saldana says there’s an ‘80s quality to the clothes that she digs, but the slip dress looks like a pillow case, and Kors says the jacket is momish.

They all rave about Anya. I’m not even bothering.

Finally we get to Viktor. Heidi is amazed by what he can do, but says he doesn’t show enough ideas. Nina loves it but agrees that he needs to turn up the volume. And Kors agrees, but adds that his collection is the most commercially viable.

Then we do the bullshit about why you should go to Fashion Week and which 2 competitors should go with you. Joshua says with time, he can bring something really great. He thinks Viktor and Anya should go. Kimberly says she can change the face of fashion, and Anya and Laura should go. Anya knows her POV is solid and unique. She would take Joshua and Viktor. Laura whines something high pitched and then cries. She’d take Viktor and Anya. And Viktor says something about coming from an immigrant family of sample makers. He’d take Joshua and Anya.

There’s deliberation next, but there’s no reason to pay any attention to it at this point. Instead, please consider the following analogy:

Viktor : Mondo :: Webster : Arnold

We come back from the final commercial. There’s the usual blah blah blah, but Anya, Viktor, and Joshua are in.

Laura and Kimberly are told that one of them will make a collection and one won’t. Laura is technically strong but needs to think about range. Kimberly tried to do her thing and it didn’t pay off.

But Laura is out. Yay. Kimberly is in and sobs with relief.

Laura cries a lot about how she saw herself in the final 3, and thinks her POV is what women want. No. Sorry. Bye, Laura.

Tim congratulates the final 4, and then we cut to After the Runway without seeing the previews for next week. I can’t be bothered with After the Runway. Sorry.