Top Chef Just Desserts: My Johnny's Too Long At The Fair

Adios, Carlos
Win for pie, out for “burger,”
Tough luck, Nitro-Man

Cupcakes, I do not know what time zone I’m in.

You know how when you’ve slept in 5 different beds in 3 different states over the course of 6 days (and the 2 nights you had the same bed weren’t consecutive), then the first night you’re back in your own bed you sleep SO HARD? And then the volume on your iPhone somehow got turned down so low that it might as well be on vibrate, and all you hear when your alarm goes off is the buzzing of the vibrate setting? And at first it works its way into your dreams as some kind of gentle but vaguely menacing presence, but eventually you do work up and think WHAT IS THAT BUZZING THAT KEEPS BUZZING???? And then you remember, and you get up, but you’re still 85% asleep and slightly punch drunk? Oh, and your coffee machine broke a month ago and you decided to do some sort of experiment with not replacing it because you couldn’t decide on what kind to get, and are kind of a cheapskate to boot?

What? No? You mean I’m the only person who’s ever walked her way into that particular, peculiar concatenation of circumstances?

Ok, then.

Last night’s episode seemed like kind of a snore, right? Or is that just impression I got because I was half paying attention to that while the other half was following the Cardinals/Brewers game? Or is it just because I’m still wacky with the tired?

But Carlos was oustered, and he sometimes seemed like a good guy, even if he did go to the pb/banana/chocolate and Cap’n Crunch wells more often than was really advisable. So there’s that.

Let’s get this over with before I pass out or something, yes? And Bravo has ganked me on food pictures and descriptions again, so… sorry.

Morning! Los Angeles! Just Desserts loft. Sally feels weird being the last girl standing, but she’s glad she’s with these guys. Chris calls his wife and gets caught up on their baby’s heart condition. Her surgery is going to cost upwards of $48,000, which gives him a renewed desire to win. I reallllly hope Bravo and Andy Cohen intend to step in and play benevolent fairy godmother in this situation if he doesn’t win, because otherwise it’s ‘70s movie levels of tragic, where Ryan O’Neal plays the handsome pastry chef baking to win enough money to save his daughter’s life and then fails.

Over at the Just Desserts kitchen, they’re greeted by Gail and Francois Payard (oh my God, run, do not walk to Payard's website. It's full of pictures of him being an adorable French child). For today’s quickfire, they’re told to bake their very best pie. Payard says that while pies are “seempail to make,” they’re all about the dough. Aaaand… they’re doing it with one hand tied behind their back to “channel their inner Rebecca.” Hee. I miss Rebecca. Everyone remaining seems so dour when you remember her. Anyway, the winner gets $5000. Time starts now.

Pie flurry. They have an hour and a half to create their pies one handed. Sally is working on the theory that “French people like tart things,” so she’s making a plum and strawberry tart. Way to be racist, Sally. Carlos zests a water bottle by bracing it on his stomach. Orlando is working on a mixed berry pie so he doesn’t have to cut or peel any fruit. Matthew handsomely gives up on slicing open a vanilla pod and decides to use extract instead. They’re all really good about helping each other out, which is nice.

Matthew is doing a rhubarb pie with toasted meringue because ‘rhubarb is kind of a French thing.” Way to be handsomely racist, Matthew. With ten minutes left, Carlos is setting his lemon curd with liquid nitrogen. They joke about Carlos going for the liquid nitrogen record. Matthew accidentally uses his left hand to move a plate an inch, and hopes no one sees it.

Time. They begin tasting with Orlando’s Raspberry, Blueberry, Blackberry and Strawberry Pie. Next is Sally’s Red Plum and Strawberry Double crust Pie with White Chocolate Chantilly, and then Chris’s Banana Cream Pie with Banana Caramel. Carlos introduces his Raspberry Lemon Meringue Pie after Gail makes fun of him for using the liquid nitrogen. Gail tells Matthew he’s disqualified for accidentally using his hand.

Payard’s least favorites was “Salee” who’s pie was “too tart.” Ha. Take that, racist. And Chris’s banana crème pie was “too mush creem, an’ meesing zee taste of banana.” On the other hand, Orlando’s was nice and “ho-mee,” and Carlos’ which was “byooteeful ex-ai-cute.”

And the winner is Carlos, who has just won his 3^rd challenge back to back, and $5000 courtesy of Verona chocolate. Commercial.

Back. Gail tells the chefs that for their next elimination challenge, they’re going to a Carnival tomorrow. Their host will be Dana Cowan of Food & Wine magazine. Their challenge is to turn classic carnival treats into elegant plated desserts. Payard tells them to think about “playfool, but byootifuool and elegaint at the same time.”

They go to Sur la Table with 30 minutes and $400 to spend on things for their tables. At this point, I die of envy and am unable to finish recapping the episode, that is how moved I am by the thought of having $400 to spend at Sur la Table. Sally is focusing on corn. Matthew wants to have a game for his carnival, and buys 3 pigs to raffle off. Orlando goes $30.81 over budget, and has to pare down his cart.

They head down to the kitchen with 3 hours to cook for 150 people. Chris is making funnel cake ice cream, which sounds vaguely delicious to me if it works. He is grabbing all of the pacojet containers to make his two ice creams. Sally is upset, but not “raising a fuss” about it. She gives us the necessary once a year spiel about how hard it is to be a woman in the kitchen. I’m sure it’s still true, but hearing about it is getting old.

Matthew is making fried apple pie to redeem himself from the quickfire by showing he knows how to make a “good-ass pie.” Orlando is putting the flavors of a candy apple into an entreme. Carlos is making a dessert that looks like a mini-hamburger. The buns will be macarons.

Iuzzini thru! Wow, I feel like we haven’t had one of these since the Wonka challenge. He’s skeptical about Chris’s funnel cake ice cream, and whether it will really have funnel cake flavor. He has no idea why Orlando is putting chocolate mousse into his candy apple cake. He actually laughs in Orlando’s face, which is …kind of awesome. But mean. But awesome! Orlando feels like EVERYTHING should have chocolate.

Johnny warns Carlos about making macarons for Payard, and thinks he’s not quite aware of the time limitations.

35 minutes left! Carlos is second guessing his macaron. Running and running and running and…. Time! Sally has left her pudding in the blast freezer, and since time is up she can’t take it out. Inevitably, it will break overnight. This gives her another thing to worry about tomorrow. Commercial.

Back. In the loft, the chefs think about all they have to do tomorrow. They play “never have I ever.” Orlando double drinks to “never have I ever not wanted to punch Johnny in the face.” Carlos gets super drunk and invades Sally’s room, leaping on her bed. He says she and Chris will be on top tomorrow because they’re the only one’s not fucked up.

Next day, they have 2 hours to cook. Orlando insists he’s OK because “a half a bottle of vodka is not much.” Sally is melting and repureeing her pudding. Carlos’ macarons are dry and jacked up. He’s making sesame angel food cake to take their place.

One hour left. The atmosphere is frenetic, in Matthew’s handsome words. He and Carlos talk about wanting to see their families. Matthew handsomely says not having their support at this point gets harder to deal with, but he’s going to keep pushing.

Fifteen minutes. Carlos’ angel food cakes come out well. Time!

The chefs head out to the Los Angeles River Center and Gardens with an hour to set up. After a quick flurry, the guests start arriving. Chris is glad he’s got the table near the door because the scent of his funnel cakes fills the air. A lady rights her name and her number on Matthew’s raffle ticket. “Don’t tell my wife,” he says.

The judges avec Hubert, Payard, and Dana Cowan arrive. They open with Sally’s White Corn Brown Butter Cake with Corn Pudding and Peanut Ice Cream. She’s feeling she’s going to be in the bottom. Next they have Carlos’ Sesame Angel Food Cake “Burger,” Churro “Fries” and Strawberry Lemon Soda. “All aroun’ eez vairy play-fool,” Payard tells him. Carlos worries that he’s way off since his dessert isn’t like the other chefs’.

Next up is Chris’ Funnel Cake Ice Cream, Sable Breton, Strawberries, Funnel Cake, and Mint Foam. He gets a little wordy and defensive explaining his elements to the judges. Matthew introduces his Fried Caramel Apple Pie, Apple Carpaccio and Vanilla Ice Cream and pig raffle to the judges. “Make sure ‘ee dozzen ween,” Payard tells him after Johnny fills out a raffle form.

Orlando’s Chocolate Apple Entremet with Apple Sorbet is the final treat. Hubert wonders if there shouldn’t be more texture somewhere on the plate, and Gail agrees.

Matthew raffles off his pigs to the delight of the audience. The three winners are all ladies. Sally thinks Matthew is an overachiever for doing an event with his dessert. The chefs pack up their stations. Carlos says getting eliminated is not an option for him. Matthew isn’t sure how he feels, and thinks it could go either way, but going home for a pie would suck. Commercial.

Back. In the pudding room, they reflect on how there are only 5 of them now, and it’s getting harder. Gail comes in and calls Matthew and Sally into the Judges’ Table. “You never know what it means,” Chris says, trying to buck the rest of them up.

Gail tells Matthew and Sally that they made their favorite desserts for the challenge, and congratulates them. Payard loves the idea of Matthew’s dessert, and thinks it was well balanced. Hubert said it looked clean, and tasted excellent. Johnny loved all the flavors of Sally’s dessert, and says her pudding was his favorite part of the dish.

Payard announces that “zee wiener of today shallonge eez… Mat-tew.” Matthew feels like he’s redeemed himself for the quickfire. Gail asks him to send in the other three.

Back in the pudding room, Chris is still talking. It’s cut to make it seem like he never stopped…or maybe he didn’t. Anyway, the dudes file into a room of stern looking judges. Gail tells them they made their least favorite desserts, and one of them will be going home.

Gail says that the apple flavor in Orlando’s candy apple dessert got lost in the chocolate. Johnny asks him again what the idea behind the chocolate was. Payard was really disappointed by his entremet.

Carlos explains why he changed from the macarons. Hubert says the angel food cake wasn’t the right texture either, and that a lot of the churros were cold. Gail thinks he did a great job making the carnival connection, but not at elevating the dessert.

Chris doesn’t know why he’s there. Johnny tells him that the guests didn’t love the agar jelly. Hubert thinks he was really ambitious with his dish, but it missed a bit of refinement. The judges send them back to wait. “I won! You lost!” Carlos says, doing a Mario hop and pointing at Matthew.

In deliberation, they still don’t get Orlando’s chocolate candy apple. “I like pork belly. Not puttin’ it in my dessert just for the sake of puttin’ it in my dessert,” Gail says. Johnny says every element of Carlos’ dessert had a misstep, but Payard says it was the best idea. Johnny says there was a lot of flavor missing from Chris’s dessert. There’s some cute banter between Gail and Johnny where they list changes Chris could’ve made. “THAT would be the dessert I wanted,” Gail says. “I’ll make it for you,” Johnny replies. Bom-chicka-wow-wow. Commercial.

Fakeback. Sally says if the five of them opened a shop together, it would be phenomenal. They would call themselves the Fantastic 5 and save the world through pastry. Carlos is Nitro-Man, Chris is Paco Boy, Orlando is Chocolate Man, and Matthew is the Master Foamer. Sally insists on being a team of one and working alone, according to Chris.

Really back. They’re all still fretting in the pudding room. Chris is still talking and talking. Orlando says he’s scared for the first time. They head back into the judges’ table room.

Gail tells Carlos his dessert just didn’t measure up. “I made a huge mistake,” Carlos says. He couldn’t recuperate from making the macarons. He’s happy to have made it this far, but “you’re not the winner unless you’re on top.” He feels like he’s let his kids down, and wishes they’d seen him make it to the end.

Next: They’re at the point right now where they’re splitting hairs. Chris is looking a little flustered. The look is just so awesome. You may have executed it really well, but it’s not really creative.