Top Chef Just Desserts: Things Are Seldom What They Seem

Sweet as paella
But beets are not chorizo
Orlando, farewell

Good morning, crumpets. How are you doing this morning?

I’m super happy, thanks, having gotten to watch (most of) the Cardinals beat the Rangers in game one last night. As we all know, it’s a statistical fact that the team who’s won the first game has gone on to win the series in every year except all of the years where they haven’t.

I’m less pleased than I thought I’d be about Orlando leaving Top Chef Just Desserts, though, because of course they tried to make him a bit more likable and human in this last episode – not that that sort of thing hasn’t shown through the façade before, like when he was helping One Armed Rebecca with her candy bars and so forth. And also because I ultimately like him much better than Sally.

At the same time, though, his record’s been pretty abysmal. He’s been in the middle or the bottom a ton of times, and I’ve often felt he should’ve gone home in much earlier challenges. So it’s hard to get all worked up about his leaving in the second to last episode.

The challenge was great – there was a lot of opportunity for experimentation and innovation, and I largely think the chefs did a good job with it…except ok, I’ll admit I wasn’t fully paying attention. Because I watched the show on Bravo while listening to the World Series game on ESPN.com radio on my phone, so I was pretty distracted. If I type GO GO GO YES! or anything, that’s your explanation (weirdly, ESPN.com radio was one batter behind the FOX TV broadcast when I had both of those on. Why am I telling you this? You don’t care).

Let’s get to it, shall we?

Morning! Los Angles! Just Desserts Loft! Matthew is having Cap’n Crunch in honor of Carlos. Chris says the house seems empty without him, and pours some Cap’n Crunch out on the curb… or sink, rather…for his fallen homey. He says the normal penultimate episode stuff about this being a marathon and it being with their grasp. Sally chews with her mouth open and talks about winning being the goal. Matthew can’t believe he’s gotten this far, and talks about being picked on for being super pretty… and breaking into houses and cars. WHOA dude. But luckily, Johnson and Wales culinary school saved him and helped him find the handsome path he was supposed to be on. I love him. I love him so much.

They file out of the loft and head to the Kitchen, where they’re met by Gail and Suzanne Goin. Sally knows Suzanne is a savory chef, so wonders what the challenge could be. I have to tell you, Suzanne Goin may be an savory chef, but I made her Meyer Lemon and Chocolate Tart from the Sunday Supper at Lucques cookbook last year, and it was THE BOMB, as the kids say.

Hey, remember back in Season 2 of Original Recipe Top Chef when it was still a relatively unknown cable show, and a copy of Sunday Supper at Lucques was Frank’s prize for one of the challenges? And now… there’s all this?

Anyway, Gail tells them that they’re going straight to the final elimination – no quickfire this time. Dramatic CHA-CHUNGS and panicked glances fill the screen. And the final elimination is: to create a dessert inspired by one of the international cuisines that they roll out a tray full of flags for.

This sounds easy peasy. Surely there must be a twist coming up?

Anyway, they pull flags. Chris goes first and takes French; Orlando takes Spain; Matthew grabs Italian; and Sally decides on Cuban, since she’s worked in Miami and knows Cuban desserts.

And then Gail tells them the twist that was obviously coming: their challenge is not just to create a dessert. Oh n o no no no. Their challenge is to create a dessert that looks like an iconic savory dish from the country they chose. Sally wants to kick herself. They’ll be judged by an all star panel of savory chefs, including guest judge Cat Cora.

Food Flurry! They have 3 hours to cook. Sally is flustered. Chris can’t even think of a French dish anymore. He’s never faced anything like this before.

Matthew says it’s hard to put yourself outside the comfort zone. He’s making a take on manicotti. Yeaaaaah boy. That’s my shit. He did get the best/easiest cuisine to interpret for this challenge though, I think. So many Italian dishes could easily translate to a dessert to begin with – especially manicotti. When you think about it, there’s not a lot of difference in appearance between a manicotti and a cannoli that’s had some red syrup drizzled on it.

Orlando is thinking about great paella. He went to Spain a few years ago when his family wasn’t accepting him because he came out, and because of their cultural perception that all gays are transsexuals, they didn’t see him for who he was. Oh, pobrecito. Orlando spends a lot of this episode reminding me of one of my best friends, and making me think I’d probably like him in real life. I’m guessing if you’re just hanging out at brunch with him, he doesn’t spend quite as much time working on his villainous laugh, or stroking his small beard to suggest evil. Anyway, the trip to Spain made him realize he was still the same person, just attracted to “hot dudes walking down the street, not blonde supermodels with long eyelashes.”

Sally doesn’t know yet what she’s making, and is freaking out. So she’ll probably win the challenge. Commercial.

ONE RUN SCORES! RBI SINGLE FOR CRAIG! CARDINALS HAVE A 3-2 LEAD!!!!

Back. Johnny Iuzzini through! He talks to Chris first, who has come to the idea of making Beef Wellington. “Isn’t that English?” Johnny asks. Chris thinks it’s French. Chris is not necessarily wrong, but it’s definitely the English name for the preparation. It’s also Matthew says he feels good about the challenge, and explains his manicotti plan. He is actually using tomatoes and strawberries for the mousse/sauce on top.

Orlando tells Johnny about his “paella.” Johnny asks who he’s most threatened by, and Orlando says Chris because of his creativity. Orlando then talks about how much he’s grown based on the criticism he’s gotten from Johnny. Sally is making components for 2 things, but hasn’t finally chosen a dish yet. She’s thinking about a Cuban Sandwich. There’s only an hour and fifteen minutes left to work. Johnny is worried that she seems melancholy and doesn’t really want it. “If she doesn’t want it, she’s not gonna win it,” he says sagely and semi-alliteratively.

One hour. Sally is completely exhausted and knows she needs to make a decision. She’s going with the Cuban sandwich plan. Orlando is “cleaning fish,” aka peeling plums. He’s using beets in place of chorizo, which is the worst substitution I’ve ever heard of. Bleah. Substituting delicious sausage out and poison, horrible beets in.

We see pictures of young Chris with a 90s haircut making Beef Wellington for his parents. He talks a lot and a lot and a lot, as usual. Ball one to Napoli.

Matthew is making a very thin basil gelee to represent the basil chiffonade on top of his manicotti. He’s totally stoked on this idea. Orlando and Sally pledge to go to Cuba after this is over. 15 Minutes. Chris talks about them all being a tight knit group. “Ah, I can smell your nuts, it’s gross,” Matthew says.

Time. Back to the lofts. Sally calls her mom and tells them she misses her. She talks about how she butted heads with her mom when she was in high school, but got close to her again after following her own dreams and realizing how much her parents sacrificed for them. Commercial.

Back. Next day. Matthew makes coffee. Orlando calls his mother. “I’m always doing ok,” she tells him. He says they have a strong relationship now, and knows what it’s taken to get him this far.

Back to the kitchen with two hours to cook. Sally feels pumped this morning, and is confident in her decision to go with the Cuban Sandwich. Chris’s goal was to not use puff pastry, but he’s really short on time, and ends up using the prepared dough. Sally is shocked that he didn’t make it from scratch.

Orlando is working on making the rice and saffron for his paella by making coconut rice with saffron. Matthew is leaving the tomatoes out of his sauce to play it safe. He rolls mouse in cake and cuts grooves into his individual manicotti. I LOVE HIM. Chris unmolds his puff pastry. 30 minutes.

Sally is using strawberry caramel gel as her ham, but the artistry of the others dishes is starting to intimidate him. She decides to make plantain chips and potato salad to go with her dish. Matthew is scared shitless because he’s serving first, but his dish looks EXACTLY like manicotti. He’s serving it with Parker House rolls.

The chefs file in and Gail thanks them for joining them. It’s Matthew’s time for service. Gail introduces Michael Cimarusti, John Rivera Sedlar, Sang Yoon, Suzanne Goin, Hubert, Johnny, and Cat Cora. Matthew introduces his “Manicotti” (Crème Fraiche Cake with Mascarpone-Ricotta Mousse, Strawberry Sauce & Basil Gelée). Cat Cora thinks the look is awesome, and that the flavor is great and not too sweet. Sang Yoon appreciates the details, and Hubert likes the explosion of salt with the rolls but wonders if something is missing. Cat thinks it’s a bit “one textural.”

Chris is up next with his “Beef Wellington” (Chocolate Mousse, Raspberry Jam & Salted Caramel). Gail thinks Beef Wellington is British. Johnny says it is, but derived from a French origin. Cat loves the colors of the meat. Sedlar thinks using the pastry as a unifier between the original savory recipe and his dessert presentation was genius, and Goin likes the almond crème mashed potatoes.

Orlando presents his “Paella” (Coconut Saffron Rice, Compressed Plums & Roasted Beets). He’s intimidated and honored by Cat Cora’s presence. Gail’s not sure why the rice is broken, but Johnny likes the subtle saffron flavor. Suzanne thinks the beet doesn’t look like chorizo and doesn’t go with anything. Cimarusti applauds him for picking such an iconic dish.

Finally we get Sally’s “Cuban Sandwich with Potato Salad & Plantain Chips” (Cream Cheese Mousse, Passion Fruit Mustard and Strawberry Caramel). Sedlar says it’s the first one where he feels visually transported, but Johnny finds the cream cheese mousse a bit messy.

The chefs file back into the dining room where the diners applaud them. Gail thanks them and says they’ll see them at Judges Table. The chefs wander back to the kitchen and say reflection-y things about wishing it didn’t have to end. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. The chefs talk about how good Cat Cora looks. She’s still on my list of ladies I’d switch hit for, so no snark from this corner.

JESUS CHRIST, Bravo, 29 Chefs in Top Chef TEXAS?? THAT’S TOO MUCH. I understand the desire to make everything bigger in Texas, but have you seen how much I complain about starting out with 17 or 18? You aren’t even ready for the shitstorm of rage I will unloose when you open with 29.

Really Back. The chefs all fret in the pudding room before going in to Judges’ Table. Gail says 3 of them will move on to the finale, and Johnny congratulates them on doing a great job. Hubert says it’s one of the best challenges this season.

Johnny says that Chris’s dish really looked like Beef Wellington. He quizzes him about the premade puff pastry. Gail asks why he should be in the finale, and Chris says the flavor was phenomenal and it looked lie an entrée.

Cat Cora loved the salty little rolls with Matthew’s manicotti. Johnny asked why he backed off doing the tomatoes in his sauce, because while it was well executed, it wasn’t as creative as might have been. Gail compliments his basil gelee.

Johnny tells Orlando that he hates saffron, but liked Orlando’s use of it. Hubert dings him a bit on the broken rice. Orlando explains how he had to edit himself and Gail says “this is the one challenge where we didn’t want you to edit yourself.”

Johnny brings up Sally’s indecision the previous day and says that what she pulled off is impressive. The only bad thing they have to say is about the sloppy mousse that shot out the sides of the sandwich.

Gail sends the chefs back to the pudding room. She tells the other judges that her final impressions were really high, and Cat agrees that she was wowed. They all think Chris did a great job in terms of presentation, but they’re disappointed about the puff pastry.

Johnny thinks Matthew didn’t go out on a limb at all, and Cat agrees that he may’ve played it safe. Gail thinks Orlando’s combination of flavor was beautiful, but Johnny thinks his final touches didn’t work out. They think Sally’s sandwich was “not perfect, but fascinating.” They hang up on the mousse again. Gail says that the beauty of the challenge is that it forced the chefs to go to a place they didn’t know they could.

They call the chefs back, and Cat announces that the winner of this challenge is… Sally. Boooo. She’s happy to have finally won a challenge. Matthew gently and handsomely says “I knew it was you” and hugs her. Oh, god, I bet his hugs are so good. I bet they’re like wearing a Snuggie made of cotton candy and dreams.

Ahhhh…where was I? Oh yeah. Gail congratulates Chris, who has also made it through to the finale.

So it’s down to Matthew and Orlando. One of them will go on to the finale, and one of them will go home. Commercial.

Back. Johnny tells Matthew that his aesthetics were spot on, but the flavors were less than creative. Orlando’s flavors were delicate, but his presentation was sloppy and his texture was mushy.

Gail tells Orlando that she’s sorry, but his dessert didn’t measure up. He’s crushed. He feels like he’s disappointed himself, even though he should be proud he’s made it this far. He says Top Chef has humbled him and shown him that other opinions matter.

The three remaining chefs hug and shake hands. “I have a 33% chance of winning $100,000!” Matthew reminds us. He’s handsome and he does fractions. How can you not love that?

Next time! Oh my gosh. The vibe in the kitchen is the most intense it’s been all season. Out come the greatest pastry chefs in the whole freaking world. Coming right down to the wire. This is pretty meticulous work. One of you is the winner of Top Chef Just Desserts.

Oh, and the Cardinals beat the Rangers 3-2. I know that those of you who come here for pastries and fashion are not the same people who come here for baseball, but since you had to deal with the interruptions, I thought you might at least want to know the outcome. Or maybe I'm trying to broaden your horizons a little. YOU’RE WELCOME.