Top Chef Just Desserts: Congratumalations Chris

Chris is the winner
Well, no one saw that coming.
(That was sarcasm)

Kids, let me tell you how indebted you are to the elements right now: if they had not postponed Game 6 for a day because of rain, if it had been played last night, you would not be reading about your little cake show right now. You would probably not be reading about your little cake show until the weekend.

And frankly, you might not be reading about your little cake show at all, because if I’d not watched and then woken up this morning and found out that Chris won, I would probably be so turned off by the anticlimax of it all that I might not have bothered.

Because really? Who didn’t see this coming? Ok, I’ve had maybe a week of thinking that they were going to let Sally win just so they could get their female winner in, but they’ve been setting Chris up as the cream of the crop since week one. Which is odd, when you look at the way the season played out, because the other two finalists had more wins than he did. In fact, Chris never had a win in an individual elimination challenge.

And yet somehow, the edit has always been setting him up as the man to beat – despite the fact that he was so often the man who got beaten. And you throw the sick baby thing in there… and there was no way they could’ve given the win to anyone else. And I’m ok with that: I would’ve much rather seen Matthew win, because he’s had more wins and shown more range and talent than Chris… and also because he’s shown more character and is more handsome and more funny….but at least Chris isn’t Sally.

So congratumalations, Chris. At least you’re not Sally.

Let’s take a look at how it happened, shall we?

Morning! Los Angeles. Dessert Loft. We are treated one final time to the delights of shirtless Matthew as he and Chris engage in some vaguely homoerotic tussling and reflect on the awesomeness of being in the final 3. Chris calls his wife and his infant with the heart defect. Sally talks about how Chris and Matthew have wives and babies, but all she has is her career and she needs to win this to validate her choices. Jesus, way to play the spinster guilt card. “Oh, woe is me – for I have given my life over to pastry, sacrificing all things. Family. Friends. An eyebrow waxer who doesn’t have some sort of grudge against me. All these things, I put aside in favor of pursuing my art.”

They head to the Dessert kitchen where they meet Gail and Johnny. Gail explains their final elimination challenge, the one that will determine which of them gets $100,000 and which of them gets to be arrested on kiddie porn charges (and way to make me feel like a tit for thinking you weren’t as bad as Bravo and that pack of screeching hyenas they had you living with would have us believe, Morgan). Each of them will create a display table with a showpiece, an entremet cake, a bread element, bon bons, and one very special thing….

As prelude to explaining said special thing, Johnny chokes up telling them about how he cooked his mother’s last birthday cake. Oh, Johnny Iuzzini. So handsome and sympathetic sometimes; so dickish and handsome others. Come here. Let me hold you and take the pain away.

Ahem. Anyway. The very special last element is that they have to make a plated dessert for the most special person in their life.

Gail introduces 3 special guests—Jacques Torres, Sebastien Cannone, and Stephane Treand -- 3 of the world’s greatest pastry chefs, who all carry the coveted M.O.F. (Meilleur Ouvrier de France) title. AND they’ll be assisting the Dessertestants today as chefs and mentors, AND joining the judges tomorrow for the final tasting.

The Dessertestants geek out briefly, and then get down to work, each pairing off with a celebrated chef. Sally thinks showpieces are her weakness. Sebastien tells her to make it simple at the base. Jacques Torres asks what the connection between Matthew’s elements is, and it’s going to be his wife and daughter. He warns Matthew to balance the sweetness. Matthew is doing items he’s never done before. Chris’s theme is “industrial.” Stephane likes the touches he’s planning.

Five hours to cook! Food flurry! Matthew says it’s weird with the three M.O.F.’s walking around because you don’t want to fuck up. Chris thinks the others “feel the weight” of the M.O.F.’s being in the kitchen, but he’s had Jacques Torres as a judge before and it doesn’t throw him off at all.

Sally’s strategy is to focus on flavor, specifically flavors she loves herself like lime and mango. She talks about how she cooks for herself, not “the common palate.” Oh, fuck you, bitch. I’m sorry – I’m bringing some personal baggage to this, clearly, because I’ve had a bitchy female pastry chef say snide things to me about my own palate. But guess what, you pretentious sows? Point A: you cook for yourself all the time, you go nowhere because you’ve got no customers. Point B: there is nothing so all fired fancy and elevated and exclusive about lime and mango. Get over yourselves.

Matthew talks about how he wants to kick Sally and Chris’s asses because he’s a restaurant chef and they’ve competed at a higher level. The M.O.F.s start working for the Cheftestants, and Jacques wants to take a picture of Sebastien doing dishes. Adorbs.

Time. Sally says she’s got a lot left to do tomorrow, when they’ll have 10 hours to finish their dishes and do the showpieces. Commercial.

Back. Next Day. The chefs head back to the kitchen, where the eliminated chefs await them. Sally eyes up Orlando because she knows he could build a showpiece, which she clearly can’t. But they pick by blind draw at first, based on guessing the numbers the eliminated chefs have been assigned.

Sally picks 7, and gets Vanarin, who I’d nearly forgotten. I was half hoping she’d be saddled with Craig again. I am not a charitable person. Matthew picks 1 and gets Megan. And Chris picks 11, one armed Rebecca. For their second chef, they get to choose. Sally picks Orlando, obviously. Matthew takes Carlos. And Chris chooses Amanda.

The chefs explain their plans to their sous chefs. Chris is worried about Rebecca not having the pastry experience, so he takes on the major components. You know, given that she made it further than 3/6 of the other sous chefs in the room, I wouldn’t worry about her skill set. You know what I might worry about? Her ONE ARMED-NESS. Sally assigns Orlando the showpiece, and makes Van her runner/sous chef. Matthew puts Megan on entremet duty and lets Carlos work on the bon bons so he can focus on the showpiece. He’s working with poured sugar because it’s outside his comfort zone. “you don’t win by doing the same shit every day,” he reminds us.

Sally’s plated dessert is based on her mom and her sister, so it’s a coffee and cashew thing for each of their preferences. Her showpiece is supposed to show femininity because she wants to show that she made it. Except…she didn’t. Orlando’s doing the whole thing. Orlando bitches about not having wanted to work for any of the remaining contestants, but having to man up and do what was required.

Chris talks and talks some more about what makes a great bon bon. Matthew is doing a key lime ganache with speculoos because his wife loves key lime pie. Sally has used the wrong insert on her entremet. She’s angry at herself for making a mistake that will cost her time.

Four hours! Then two! Wow, either I blacked out for a second or time is really flying in this episode. Chris appears to be sculpting the Starship Enterprise for his showpiece. Matthew finds Chris’s showpiece “and Orlando’s…I mean Sally’s” very impressive. Hee.

One hour. Chris says the vibe in the kitchen is the most intense it’s been all season because of what’s on the line and time is very short. The chefs move the showpieces out to the dining room. Sally frets that having a showpiece “that I worked 13 hours on” fall would suck. What about one you didn’t work on at all, Sally? What about one of those? Would it suck to have that fall? Carlos and Megan are proud of Matthew for making his own showpiece “unlike some others.” I love how they are ALL busting on Sally for foisting such a major portion of the challenge onto one of her sous.

Time. Chris thinks his showpiece and vision give him the upper hand. Commercial.

Back. The judges enter the dining room where the chefs wait with their displays. The judges are the M.O.F. advisors, the regulars, Jordan Kahn, Hasty Torres, Valerie Gordon, Jacquy Pfeiffer, and our favorite Ludo Lefebvre. (I typed those in a slightly sloshed haze last night, and woke up thinking that I’d made a million typos. I mean Hasty? Jacquy? But no. those are actually their names. Who’da thunk?)

The judges begin inspecting the showpieces. The official judging begins at Matthew, who explains how everything he’s done is something he’s not done. His entremet is a Hazelnut Dacquois, Passion Fruit Gelee, Milk Jam and Whipped Jivara. Gail finds the texture interesting and complex. His bread is a Focaccia with Olive Oil, Maldon Salt & Fresh Thyme. Danielle says it’s a real family style bread. His bon bon is Key Lime Ganache, Speculoos. Speculoos is a new word to Gail. Really Gail? Speculoos is new to you? Even I know what speculoos is. Don’t tell Sally about your ignorance – she’ll start talking shit about how common your palate is.

The judges move over to Sally, who explains the colors used in her showpiece. Johnny likes the integration of color. Sally admits that Orlando handled the showpiece for her. Her entremet is Chocolate Mousse, Mango Vanilla Cream, Caramel Cremeux, Lime, Almond Sponge. Johnny says her layers are nice and even. Her bread is a Parker House Roll with Bacon, Onions, Gruyère. Danyelle says it has all the stuff she likes in it. She finishes with her bon bon of Salted Caramel Milk Chocolate.

Finally they hit Chris's table. He explains his industrial theme. Johnny points out that his showpiece is falling apart a little. Chris says that may be, but he created it himself without help. Dayyyyyyyum, Chris. But way to go! His entremet is Chocolate Mousse, Vanilla Crémeux, Raspberry Jam. Johnny likes it. His bred is a Brioche with Bacon Maple Butter. Johnny says the condiment is more impressive than the bread, and Chris deflects with a lame joke about no one wanting just bread and water. He finally presents his bon bon: Coffee Infused Ganache, Caramel.

Gail tells the chefs to return to the kitchen and prepare their plated desserts. They have 20 minutes. Sally has to sacrifice glazing her spheres, so they look a bit unfinished.

Sally serves her plated dessert first. It’s inspired by her mom and sister, and is a White Chocolate Espresso Mousse, Chocolate Crémeux, Cashew Nougatine, Ice Cream. Danyelle raves about how it “pops open and I can’t understand how so many things are coming out.” Jordan Kahn and some other judges are unimpressed by the unfinished presentation.

Jacques Torres was impressed by Matthew’s presentation, and they like his use of color in the showpiece. He heads out to present his dessert, which is inspired by his wife and daughter. It’s a Chocolate Chip Cookie, Raspberry Mousse, Pecan Praline, Ice Cream. Holy crap, there are six million elements. Ludo loves how it’s all about play and life, but Hasty says his description made her want a chocolate chip cookie, and there isn’t one.

Jacques reflects on how he liked Chris’s bon bon. Chris’s dessert s an Almond Cake with Banana Caramel, Banana Ice Cream and Mango Sauce. It’s a variation of a dessert he did at a competition when he started dating his wife. Jacques likes it, but thinks the connection to the story isn’t there. Hubert thinks it’s a home run. Man, I wish I was watching game six.

The chefs come out and the judges clap for them and Gail says the usual things about seeing them at Judges’ Table. Commercial.

Back. Judges’ Table. The three Dessertestants file in. They begin with Matthew. Hubert thought his bon bon was a good idea. Danyelle had never heard of speculoos before (God, these people are morons. I am apparently more qualified to judge this contest than they are) and she’s happy to be introduced with him. Johnny doesn’t know why he did a sugar showpiece when he admits to being more comfortable with chocolate. Danyelle says it felt like a love letter to his wife. They found his plated dessert unfocused and confusing.

Johnny loved the flow of color throughout Sally’s presentation, but wants to know why Orlando did a lot of the work in her show piece. Sally said that’s where he’s strongest, and she uses her sous chefs for what they’re good at. Hubert compliments her entremets. Sally sighs when they bring up her plated dessert, and admits there were plating issues.

Gail found Chris’s showpiece extraordinary, but says that no one else’s fell apart. Hubert liked the fact that his plated dessert wasn’t just chocolate. Johnny says it was the only dessert he ate in its entirety.

Gail says they have a tough decision to make and will call them back. The dessertestants all file back to the pudding room and whine about how tough judges’ table was, even though it was super soft. If these guys think that was a tough judges’ table, I’m frankly amazed that they’ve survived this far.

The judges go piece by piece through the elements. They seem to think Sally won bread with Matthew second. They give Chris the edge in bon bons, but barely. It’s tied on entremets between Sally and Chris. Hubert thought Matthew’s sugar piece fell flat, and Johnny is bothered by how much help Sally had, saying it’s not “a fair measure of her ability,” but Danyelle says it was smart strategy. However, Chris’s really spoke to her. But…it was falling apart. In the plated dessert, Hubert likes Sally’s. Johnny says Chris’s was most delicious. Danyelle is also weighing Sally and Chris.

Oh, my poor Matthew is cut out entirely isn’t he? Poor Matthew. Come and cry into my bosom. Please? Please come cry into my bosom? Commercial.

Back. All the dismissed chefs are there in their civvies. Gail tells the finalists that they’ve continually exceeded expectations, and should be proud of what they’ve accomplished.

Johnny says that knowing the sacrifice Chris has made has made what he’s accomplished here even greater. Sally has proved that pastry is her life (because God forbid we not flash back to the whole OMG POOR SPINSTER HAS NOTHING BUT HER ART!!!! theme we kicked off the episode with). And Matthew has shown the love he’s put in his work.

And the winner of Top Chef, Just Desserts is… Chris. Well, Semi-yay. At least it’s not Sally. The other chefs spray him with champagne, and they toast him. He’s happy he won and proud he was with Sally and Matthew. Matthew is glad Chris won if it wasn’t him, but the experience has made him appreciate his life, his profession, and his family. And Sally is disappointed in herself because now Chris and Matthew can go back to their families and she has nothing. Wah-wah. Ok, that’s not what she says.

Chris cries some about his wife and baby, and then it’s over. Profound anticlimax. The end.

Um… so I guess we’re in Texas next week with twenty-nine cheftestants? Prepare for me to whine about this, kids. Prepare for me to whine a LOT.