Top Chef: All My Ex-Chefs Live In Texas

Ladies and dudes, there were six million chefs in last night’s episode, and about a quarter million of those got sent home. We’re not writing a haiku for each of those bastards, and there’s no way we can sum them all up with one.

Indeed, Bravo hasn’t even included biographies of them on the website (Bravo hasn’t put up any bios yet, so it’s a safe assumption that they’re holding them back so they won’t spoil who’s in the top 16 and who’s not), so one could question whether they were ever really on the show at all. If Bravo doesn’t acknowledge them, did they ever really exist?

How’s that for 6 a.m. philosophy for you, kids? Not bad, huh?

So this new format. I like it in theory – I like the idea that the chefs are having to cook their way into the house to qualify for the series. At the same time, though it makes these first two weeks seem a little cheap – it’s kind of like the audition weeks of American Idol (I assume; I do not watch American Idol), but without as many insults or schadenfreude.

And really, I’d like the format a lot more if every third tweet across my feed last night wasn’t Tom or Padma or Gail or Andy Cohen or @BravoTopChef going “I love the new format. Isn’t the new format great. I love the new format where they have to cook their way in. It’s great that they have to cook their way in. So much more drama and tension with the great new format where they have to cook their way in.”

It’s one thing to tweet on message, guys; it’s another altogether to regurgitate corporate talking points in convenient, 140 character splashes.

Then there’s the other big change – this whole Tom AND Padma AND Gail AND Emeril AND Hugh business. Again, I like it in theory – at least I like the Hugh part in theory. I like Hugh. Emeril is kind of like a boiled ham come to life and festooned with catch phrases, but what can you do?

What I’m unclear on is how this is going to work. Are the two of them both going to alternate with Gail, meaning we get 1/3 of the episodes with each of them, rather than half Gail and half Ted/Toby, or 2/3 Gail 1/3 Ripert/Bourdain? Or is one of them there to alternate with Gail and the other to sub in for Tom occasionally? Or are we just going to have five judges all the time? It’s too many.

But let’s not judge things that haven’t happened yet – there’s so much to judge in this episode alone…

Morning! Texas. We see a lot of Texan things, like a car with horns (like bison horns on the hood, not a horn in the steering column) and the Alamo. Three million chefs walk up to Padma, and one dude with tall hair vows to stay in so he can keep looking at her. First obligatory “Padma is so hot” gag of the season….done! And we’re not even thirty seconds in.

Padma welcomes the chefs to the Alamo. We see one chef’s doofy casting video – Tyler Stone (note: I am linking to his website for mocking purposes, because it is the website of a tool, not as any sort of endorsement)– and learn that other are business partners. We see some others too, but seriously, there are like 90 of them. We’re not going to bother meeting them all when a bunch of them will be out the door by the end of the night.

Padma tells them they’ll be in three groups competing in three different challenges, and they’ll have to excel at their tests to qualify for one of 16 spots in the Top Chef House. There’s a bunch of meeping and moping about still having to qualify, and how they can’t believe they’re not already in the top 16.

A bunch of chefs wander into the Top Chef kitchen, where they’re met with a whole pig and Tom and Emeril. Tom introduces Emeril as a new judge for this season and then asks the chefs to introduce themselves. They do, but fuck it, there are too many of them, including Tyler Stone and the chef and sous chef at Moto in Chicago. Tom tells them that only 16 chefs will earn their schmancy new Top Chef coats, which are a sexy black or navy blue with gold or ecru piping.

For their qualifying dish, they’ll create a dish using the pig before them – there are 10 cuts of meat and 10 of them. They have to sort out who gets which bit of the pig themselves. They have an hour to cook, and will serve in three groups.

Time starts and the chefs call out dibs on different parts of the pig. The girl who gets tenderloin is psyched because she thinks its smooth sailing. The sous chef ends up with ears. Tyler Stone talks about how since he’s a personal chef for celebrities, he usually has his own butcher but he can do anything – he wrote a cookbook in 3.5 weeks! I already hate him. One dude with a beard owns a vegan restaurant and says this challenge is his worst nightmare.

Tom and Emeril wander around asking the chefs about what they’re doing. Tyler continues sawing at the meat. An older guy with bad ass tats is pissed that Tyler got the pork chops, and full of rage at watching him. He has also fucked up tenderloin girl’s tenderloin. Tom and Emeril are pissed, and there’s only half an hour left. Tom tells him to leave. “Pack up your knives and you can go.” Tyler says he knows he’s goin’ …right to the top! He should be punched in the face. I’m very disappointed that no one punches him in the face on his way out the door. Where’s your big, bad, Texas attitude, Top Chef? Punch that kid in the face! Commercial.

Back. Everyone is stressed out. Tom visits Grayson, who is trying to work with the miniature tenderloin that Tyler hacked the crap out of. Tom points out that she’s learned not to trust anyone in the kitchen. She’s stuffing her tenderloin with mushroom. Sarah, who works under Masters contestant Tony Mantuano is making ravioli stuffed with cotecchino. Nom. Simon, the guy with bad ass tats, mumbles some things – I believe he intimates that he learned cooking from you tube. Chris from Moto is making a play on a caramel apple. His sous chef, Rich, trusts Chris to check his food since he knows his own palate is salty.

One minute. Colin the vegan makes a huge mess of plating his soup. The first three chefs serve Tom, Emeril, and Padma. Emeril tells Colin that his soup is a disaster, and he has to head home. So that’s two down. He leaves more gracefully than smirky Tyler.

Padma explains that majority rules for all decisions – if two judges think they’re in, they’re in. If two think they should be eliminated, they go home. If they’re undecided, the chefs go “on the bubble” and compete again.

Chris explains his Caramel Apple Stuffed with Braised Pork Belly and Sweet Applesauce and then Sarah presents her Pig Skin Ravioli. Tom thinks Chris has put together a nice dish. Emeril says the combination of flavors is excellent. He gets a jacket, and is in the top 16. They hand him his coat and send him out. Tom says Sarah had one of the more difficult ingredients, and she made it great. Emeril agrees that she pulled it off. Sarah is in too, and gets her coat.

The next group of chefs finishes up their dishes, and after hearing tenderloin girl stress about her mini tenderloins again, we cut to commercial. This is going to take forever.

Back. The second group of chefs serve. We have Molly with her Smoked Sweet Potato Soup with Pork Cheek and Tequila Cilantro Lime Cream and Grayson with her Haricot Vert with Toasted Hazelnuts and Mushroom Stuffed Tenderloin. Tom is on the fence about Molly – he likes the soup, but wants to see more from the cheeks. Emeril agrees. Tom thinks the flavors in Graysons dish are a bit off. Emeril agrees – she’s on the bubble as well.

The third and final group finishes up and then presents their dishes. We have Nyesha’s Tex-Mex Ravioli, Richie’s Onion Soup with Braised and Crispy Pig Ears, Pickled Shallots, and Frozen Parsley Powder, Simon’s Ham Roulade Stuffed with Fig Confit and Goat Cheese, and Heather’s Maple and Citrus Glazed Baby Back Ribs with Bacon, Corn, and Blue Cheese Grits. Damn, this all sounds good. Emeril think’s Nyesha’s dish is spot on, and Padma agrees that it’s beautiful and tasty. She gets a coat. Tom thinks Heather’s grits are great and satisfying. Emeril totally agrees. She gets a coat.

Emeril found Simon’s roulade overcooked, and doesn’t see him in the top 16. Tom agrees, and Padma tells him to pack his knives and go. Tom says that Richie’s dish is on the verge of being salty, but well seasoned and well thought out. Emeril thinks it has tremendous depth and taste. He gets a jacket.

So so far we have five in, and they head to the Top Chef house. And we have three out, and two on the bubble. Sarah feels like it’s a Chicago competition so far.

Group two enters the kitchen and sees Gail, Padma, and Tom. One chick compares it to a wax museum. This batch of chefs also introduce themselves at great length. Padma shows them a table including their favorite ingredients. The chefs have to chose ONE ingredient, and then each make their own take on a dish using that ingredient. They have an hour to choose, prep, and cook.

They decide to work with rabbit. Should we talk about how I don’t eat rabbit? I do not eat rabbit. I have too much of an affinity for rabbits, and cannot eat them. It would be like eating my spirit animal. One of the chefs, Chuy, says his sister used to name the rabbits their mom kept, and once in awhile one of them would disappear and they’d have it for dinner that night and tell her it was chicken. I will survive this challenge by pretending they’re all making chicken.

Tom wanders around talking to the chefs. Tall hair compares himself to Blais and Michael Voltaggio. The large bald dude is named Ty-lör Boring. Now I dislike him. Edward Lee, who has some kind of mouth tic, has a problem with the vacuum machine. Commercial.

Back. Group 2 continues working on their rabbits. Edward abandons the vacuum machine. 20 minutes left. Keith Rhodes tells us about how he got caught selling drugs, went to prison, and began to focus in on cooking when he was there. Time. Nina has left her rabbit off the plate. She’s immediately sent packing. So that’s three out.

We see Whitney’s Rabbit Sugo with Tomatoes, Shallots, Asparagus, and Bacon, Keith’s Seared Tenderloin, Chicken Fried Rabbit, Yukon Potato Hash, Braised Rabbit Confit and Edward’s Butter Poached Rabbit with Butternut Squash Puree. Tom thinks Whitney’s rabbit is nicely cooked, and Gail agrees. She’s in the top 16. Tom praises Keith’s cold rabbit preparation with salsa, as does Gail. He’s in – he pretty much had to be, or they would’ve wasted the money on that XXL chef’s coat. Tom wants to see Edward cook again, and Gail agrees. He’s on the bubble.

The next batch of chefs has five minutes remaining. Ty-lör decides to soak his rabbit in fish sauce. Janine runs out of time to get her sauce.

Janine presents her Rabbit Nugget, Rabbit Rack, and Rabbit Loin Saltimbocca with Mushroom Hash. Chuy has made Rabbit Loin with Cashew Pipian and Grilled Zucchini. Chris Tall Hair has made a Duo of Rabbit: Confit Leg and Butter Seared Tenderloin with Carrot Polenta, and Ty-Lör has made Confit Rabbit Legs with Pickled Cucumber and Tomatoes in Fish Sauce. Dakota finishes with her Roast Rabbit Crepinettes with Bulgar Wheat and Vanilla Jus.

Tom thinks Dakota deserves a jacket, as do the ladies. She’s elated. Tom enjoyed Ty-lör’s dish, as does Gail. He’s in, which means I’ll have the coding for umlauts memorized by the end of this season. Ty-lör puzzles, me, both because he’s a grown man using a ridiculous, juvenile spelling of his name the way we all did in high school (yeah, I spent some time going by Jor-d’n. You wanna make something of it?) and also because he… kind of looks like a former student of mine. Padma thinks Chris showed technique and Gail says his rabbit was the best of the day (it's featured at left for being best of the day). He gets a coat.

Tom would’ve liked to see Janine’s sauce, but Gail thinks she had good flavors. Padma can’t give her a coat. She’s on the bubble. So that’s four on the bubble, ten in, and four out. Commercial. They can’t possibly fit a whole third group and the cook off for the cheftestants on the bubble in in the next 8 minutes, can they? Dear lord.

Back. Fake back. All the on the bubble chefs sit in the stew room and try to figure out why they’re in. Janine says it’s because none of them have visible tattoos. She writes “Dad” on her arm in purple ink.

Back. Chuy stands alone in front of the judges. Tom likes the flavor in his sauce. Padma thinks he’s earned the 11^th spot.

So that leaves only five more spots for the contestants in the third group and the ones on the bubble. Wow. That would seem fairly even – sixteen spots, three groups, hand out the spots at a rate of 5 or 6 per group – if it weren’t for the whole on the bubble situation. They either have to cut way back on the number of slots they hand out during this round, or tell the “on the bubble” chefs “ha-ha, just kidding. No cook off for you.”

The second group of chefs hit the house. Ty-lör used to be Heather’s executive sous chef. Sarah tries to savor the fn moments.

Next time! The third group of cook-ins. Someone’s finger gets cut. I’m going to put you on the bubble. I’m ready to kill the other people to get in that jacket. This is a great dish on its own. You should’ve stopped.