Top Chef: All My Ex-Chefs Live in Texas, part two

Poppets, can I just tell you? I almost didn’t watch last night. I have been beyond exhausted this week – the stupid time change has done my head in this year in a way it never has in the ten years since I left the Gr8 St8 of Arizona (that’s how they teach you to spell Great and State in Arizona, which so seldom does anything right that their occasional rejection of horrible things like Daylight Savings Time and Russell Pearce look all the more remarkable). Also, I’m dealing with either the last, lingering remnants or the terrible resurgence of a cold I’ve had for WEEKS now that I just can’t shake. Also, Law & Order: UK was really good last night and I kind of just wanted to follow that up by either going to bed on a high note or watching Whitechapel live for the first time and prolonging the tension high I was on.

But I struggled through. For you, you know, and because I figure it will probably be somewhat easier to learn the names of the final 16 chefs if I’ve had an introduction to them.

Here’s what I’m feeling, kittens: this season of the show is overburdened with too many twists. First you’ve got the “cook in” round. Then you’ve got the fact that they’re travelling ALL OVER TEXAS instead of having one home base city. There are now five “permanent” judges instead of the usual four – will they even have guest judges? And now there’s this “Last Chance Kitchen” nonsense, where the eliminated chefs will have a chance to cook their way back into the kitchen.

The next thing you know, they’ll be hiding immunity idols in the pantry and forcing them to play on “tribes” sorted out by their race or gender. Team Rainbow will no longer be a cute little self imposed nickname; it will be the designation under which all of the gay and lesbian chefs are forced to compete together against the straight chefs.

What I’m saying is that with all these new, unnecessary twists all at once, they’re in danger of destroying the show’s beautiful simplicity. The sharks are lining up and Fonzie is revving his motorcycle. I’m a bit worried.

But let’s just do this.

After a refresher on everything that happened during last week’s episode, we pick up where we left off: back at the Alamo with two of the initial heats down and the third yet to go. The chefs on the bubble ponder what their ultimate face off will consist of, and we learn a bit about some of them… but why bother? At best, a fraction of them are moving forward. Edward Lee jokes that there’ll be no spots left for any of them. I think that’s closer to the truth than he realizes, since 11 of the 16 spots have already been filled.

The third and final group enters the kitchen for their heat. They’re faced with Padma in a new muumuu – so is it a new day, or did they just have Padma change muumuus halfway through Day One to signify that it would be a new episode? Or did she spill something on the previous muumuu while she was tasting the food from the first rounds? – and Tom and Hugh. Hugh! Chef Chaz tells us he had Padma’s picture in his locker in middle school. I bet that makes Padma feel good…and/or old.

We hear about the chefs in this heat, but again… let’s not bother. One is a girl with cool glasses, one is an old dude, two are from Texas, one seems to be named Kim Colicchio (except it’s spelled Calicchio, and –spoiler alert – she doesn’t make it through, thus robbing me of a season’s worth of opportunities for nepotism jokes), and Chaz jokes that he was nominated by his “mom as one of her two favorite sons.” I like Chaz.

Padma shows them a table with ten items, and says they’ll each cook with one of the ingredients…but don’t touch the cloche, because there’s a surprise under it. The chefs go up and choose their ingredients. Glasses girl and big Texas guy rock-paper-scissors for the mushrooms.

Then the chefs lift their cloches, all of which have timers set with different times. They each have to create a dish with the time shown on their timers. Chaz has 40 minutes to make risotto. Glasses girl has an hour for Oxtail. Big guy only has 20 minutes for mushrooms.

Their time…or times…starts now. Tom and Hugh wander around the kitchen asking people about what they’re making. Mushroom dude is sweating the time. Glasses girl is pressure cooking her oxtail, and can’t tell if her pressure cooker has locked. She’s making a dish inspired by her husband’s Philipino grandmother. The old guy is also French, from the Loire Valley. He’s my new favorite. You go, Old French Guy!

More cooking and talking. Ten minutes until the first group serves. The blonde girl runs away from Tom because she doesn’t have time to talk to him. One minute. Mushroom guy is in trouble. Commercial.

Back. Kim presents her Lamb Chop with Kalamata Olives and Arugula to the judges first, followed by Andrew’s Roasted Mushrooms with Brown Butter Vinaigrette, Crispy Spinach, and Poached Egg, and Paul’s Trout with Southeast Asian Tomato Salad. The trout is Tom’s favorite of the group, and he wants him to continue. Hugh agrees. Paul is moving on. Padma thought Kim’s lamb was greasy, and Tom says it was overcooked. She has to pack her knives and go. Tom says that he thinks Andrew should be on the bubble, and Padma agrees. So that’s twelve in and five on the bubble.

The “40 minute group” continues preparing their food. Laurent tells us that in France, you either become “a cook…a priest…or an army guy,” and that it’s usually “the worst in the family” who becomes a cook. I LOVE HIM. KEEP HIM, PLEASE. Chaz continues freaking out about his risotto. Ultimately, he does not get it on the plate, and has to pack his knives and go.

The rest of the 40 minute group presents their food, beginning with Berenice’s Asian Style Short Rib with Cabbage Slaw. Laurent presents his Duck, which for some reason Bravo has not seen fit to describe and since it’s the only thing they’ve left out, I don’t feel like powering up the TV and DVR again just to find out what it was, and then we have Jonathan’s Brussels Sprouts with Tomato Sofrito and Hazelnut Gremolata. Fact: I had Brussels Sprouts last night for dinner. They were maple and balsamic roasted, using this recipe. They looked a damn sight better than Jonathan’s, and only took 35 minutes to cook [once I got past the cleaning and slicing, which always takes for freaking ever]).

Anyway, Tom says Jonathan’s Brussels sprouts weren’t cooked, and Hugh agrees: he has to go home. Hugh wants to put Laurent on the bubble because his plate didn’t make sense. Tom says flat out no. So it’s left to Padma, who puts him on the bubble. Thank you, Padma. Thank you for keeping the old bald Frenchman. Hugh says Berenice’s short ribs were one dimensional and uninspired. Tom agrees that she should go home.

See, THAT’S more like it. A round where NO ONE gets in outright. That’s the sort of hard, decisive action the show needs to take more often.

The sixty minute group is finishing up. Lindsey is stressing out over her osso bucco. Ashley can’t get the pressure cooker lid off her oxtail. Commercial.

Back. The 60 minute group has 8 minutes left. Ashley still can’t get her pressure cooker open, so Lindsey tells her to run it under cold water. It’s not tender enough, and Beverly’s octopus is tough. The ladies approach the judges.

Ashley opens with her Braised Oxtail "Kare Kare". Lindsey explains her Braised Veal, Creamy Polenta, and Warm Salad, and Beverly tells them about her Korean Style Octopus "Nakji Bokum". Tom tells Lindsey he loves her dish, and would be happy to give her a coat. Hugh agrees. Lindsey is in. Three spots left…

Tom wishes Ashley’s oxtail were cooked more. He doesn’t see it, but Padma puts her on the bubble. Hugh can’t put her through, though, so she has to pack her knives and go. Tom says Beverly’s dish was “crazy risky,” but he liked it. Hugh agrees that she earned a Top Chef jacket.

The chefs who passed the third heat turn up at the Top Chef house and walk in on a party in progress with the other chefs.

The chefs on the bubble are still sitting in the stew room. Edward laughs mockingly at the girl who cooks on the cruise ship. They all try to figure out how many spots are left. Edward says he’d kill the other five of them to get that jacket, but fortunately, Padma comes to get them before it reaches to that point.

They enter the kitchen for the final cook-off, where they see Padma, Hugh, Tom, and Emeril. There are 6 of them and 2 spots left. They can use any ingredients in the kitchen, and have 45 minutes to make one dish to show them why they should be there. Cruise ship girl frets because the focus is so broad.

Food flurry. They all talk about why they’re there. One of them has been recently dumped over the phone after nine years and a lovely commitment ceremony. Edward goes with duck because everyone else is doing seafood. Commercial.

Fake back. The chefs sort out their beds Goldilocks style. “this bed’s too hard! This bed’s too soft!” Keith says it’s crazy to shove his 6’4” 300 lbs self into a bunk bed.

Really back. The food flurry continues for the on the bubble chefs. Edward is feeling good…until he basically slashes his finger off. He throws a glove on and keeps moving…and gushing blood out his glove. The medic tries to treat him while he’s cooking. Edward vows to cook with his feet if he has to.

Twenty minutes. Dumped-after-commitment-ceremony feels good about her dish. Cruise ship Molly is stressed, but focused. Girl who got screwed by Tyler Stone’s butchering is glad to have everything under her own control. Time.

Edward presents his Duck with BBQ Sauce and Sweet Asian Custard to the judges first. Then we hear about Molly’s Jumbo Stuffed Prawn, Mousseline of Shrimp with Soy Glazed Watermelon and Rice; Janine’s Seared Scallop with Baby Clams, Bacon, Corn, and Watermelon Garnish; Grayson’s Polenta with Bacon Wrapped Shrimp and Port Wine Fig Sauce (ok, not an original basis but the preparation sounds just yum); Laurent’s Scallop Two Ways: Tartar and Seared on a Bed of Fennel with Saffron; and Andrew’s Mussels with Sherry, Fregula, Charred Corn Panna Cotta, and Shrimp.

Padma asks Janine how she feels she did. Janine thinks she simplified as the judges advised. Hugh doesn’t think the watermelon is well integrated. Emeril thinks it’s simple but well executed.

Molly hopes her dish will earn her a coat, but Tom says the shrimp is overcooked. Hugh says it came ‘thisclose” to being a magnificent dish.

Edward thinks he’s made a pretty good dish. Emeril loves his flavors and says the presentation’s fantastic, but Hugh thinks the duck went a bit over.

Tom tries to figure out the intention in Grayson’s dish, and after freaking her out sufficiently tells her it’s a nice dish. Emeril liked it.

He also likes the paparika in Andrew’s mussels, but is confused by the panna cotta.

Tom says Laurent’s tartare isn’t appetizing. Emeril says the hot scallop is cooked perfectly, but he agrees about the tartare.

Padma sends the chefs away so the judges can deliberate. And the judges say the same things they just said at greater length, and my GOD, I’m exhausted. I hate the stupid time change. I can’t pay attention. The chefs in the stew room wonder who’ll be in, and think Janine is a shoe in. The judges call them back to judges’ table.

Tom tells Molly that she completely hammered the shrimp, and must pack her knives and go. Tom says Laurent’s flavors didn’t work together. He must leave. NOOOOOo! Alright. See, I guess that’s the nice part about this initial round – you don’t get to know anyone, so you don’t get too attached, so you get over the losses pretty easily.

Ed made a gutsy call with the dish he chose, but the dish was overcooked. But he’s in! Because he cut a finger off, and nothing makes an Asian-Southern duck dish like a heaping side order of blood and tendons. That means there’s one slot left and three chefs remaining. Only one of them will move on to the real competition.

Tom tells Janine she put together a nice dish, but it wasn’t tied together. Grayson’s flavors were good, though it wasn’t the most imaginative dish. Andrew messed a good plate of food up by not just stopping with the mussels. Padma tells him to pack his knives and go.

So it’s Janine or Grayson. And we cut to commercial.

Back. Padma tells Grayson … that she’ll be moving on! So Janine must pack her knives and go. Grayson and Edward head to the Top Chef house and greet their fellow cheftestants, conscious of the fact that they made it by the skin of their teeth. Grayson doesn’t want anyone to think of them as the underdogs “we just got more experience, ok?” I like her.

This season: battling it out across the great state of Texas. Pee Wee Herman! I’d better see some motherfuckin' snakes on some motherfuckin' plates. As the temperature rises, tempers flare in Dallas. Charlize Theron. And people freak the fuck out in Austin. “You were drivin’ the bus, hittin' people.” And the biggest twist of all – the dumbass online last chance kitchen, hosted by Tom.

Ok, stop reading here if you don't want to hear about "Last Chance Kitchen," which I didn't so much watch as I listened to it in the background while I put together the recap (be advised, also, that people may be discussing it in the comments):

So on the plus side, it's not as much of a time suck as I feared. The episode was only 7 minutes long, and featured Janine and Andrew competing to make the best pizza within 30 minutes. Andrew won for making some sort of cheeseless pizza with salsa verde.

On the minus side... I still think it's a dumb, dumb idea. Because Andrew won, he gets to compete in the next Last Chance Kitchen against the eliminated chef from next week's episode. And then whoever wins that challenge cooks against the chef eliminated from the third week's challenge, and so on and so forth, right up to the very end.

And by the very end... They mean the FINALE. How would you feel if you'd cooked your way through every quickfire and every elimination from day one onward, and then you found yourself competing in the finale against someone who was eliminated in the first round?

And doesn't it also give the chef who was eliminated earlier of the two kind of an unfair advantage? the chefs leave the competition EXHAUSTED, physically and emotionally. And then right away, they find themselves having to face someone who -- while s/he is still playing for his/her life, technically -- is going to be relatively speaking fresh as a daisy, because they won't have all the stresses of multiple competitions every couple days, and all the tension in the house, and being judged day in and day out, and (this season) the travel?

Anyway. It kind of sticks in my craw. Also, it gives me something else I have to put aside a chunk of time for -- however tiny -- every week to really know what's going on.