Top Chef: Chili Today, Hot Tamale

Richie Farina
Your name is a cereal
Your palate, salty.

I know. I know, I know, I know. I am the WORST.

Here’s my very short litany of excuses: I was super, super sick last weekend. Like two days on the couch, breathing through my mouth, eating only broth and toast sick. I watched a LOT of TV, but the last thing I wanted to do was think about any of it. So I never got around to recapping last week’s episode, which I feel doubly bad about since I’ve been dying for them to do a snake challenge for years now, and which one do I drop the ball on? The one with the snake challenge. Dammit. Mea culpa.

Mea NOT culpa, though, for this week’s being a day late. I was all but finished when I went to bed Wednesday night. I woke up Thursday morning, made the dessert to take to Thanksgiving, and then sat down to add the pictures and put on the finishing touches.

And Bravo’s website was COMPLETELY fekakta. Selecting Top Chef from any menu redirected you to a page from the second season of Shear Genius. The pictures weren’t there. Everything was jacked, and if I couldn’t get it done first thing in the morning, I knew I wasn’t going to have time during the rest of the day.

But here we are, now, with all of the pictures and most (ahem, Bravo interns) of the food descriptions up on the site, ready to rock and roll.

So Richie. I liked Richie, right up until the point the crying started. I was kind of hoping he’d make it awhile, and at the very least, I wanted him to make it past his boss or mentor or brother or whatever they call each other in their weird little too-close-for-comfort relationship. Because frankly, Chris Jones comes across as a bit of a douche, and even though Richie is right in there with him in their insane “do it for Moto / I failed Moto” Stockholm syndrome or whatever it is, Richie seemed a bit sweeter and more genuine.

And then he just lost it there at the end, and I couldn’t help but pull my head back a little and go “dude.” Have we ever seen an eliminated contestant look that helpless and broken when the judges told him/her to pack up and go before? Irrational, yes. Erratic, yes. But Richie was a special kind of wounded there, and it freaked me out a bit.

The challenge…meh. It was a chili cook off. It’s definitely Texas, but it hardly seems Top Chef worthy. So let’s just see how it played out.

Night. Chef House. The people who were in the bottom talk about how it was an eye opening experience, and how Keith went home for his flour tortillas. Nyesha says she’s seeing people’s true cut-throat colors come out.

Next morning. They walk into the kitchen and see an array of chilis and the Two Hot Tamales, Mary Sue Miliken and Susan Fenniger. Padma tells them that this challenge is designed to reward those with the confidence to take risks. They each have to choose one chili pepper and create a dish that highlights it. The amount of money they earn varies based on the Scoville Unit heat of the chilis, with the Ghost Chili earning $20,000.

30 minutes to cook. Food Flurry. Beverly goes with the wimpy Anaheim because she thinks she can make a good tasting dish with it even though it’s only worth $200. Richie picks the $3,000 Fresno pepper, which is one hotter than a jalapeno.

Chris has issues with spicy food, so he picks the $7,500 Manzano and hopes not choosing the ghost won’t take him out. Heather is using the $10,000 Thai chili and pickling it. Chuy uses the Habañero because it’s his absolute favorite. It’s also worth $12,500. Two of the ladies are also using Habañeros. I’m not shocked – Habañero has a fair bit of spice, but it’s also a fairly common pepper that most of these guys are going to be comfortable cooking with. Paul is the only one using the Ghost Chili.

Five minutes left. Beverly notices she’s the only one who didn’t cook her chili. Richie’s chili isn’t as spicy as he expected. Time.

The judges begin tasting with Beverly, who has made Anaheim Chili Crudite with Samjang Paste. Sarah’s dish, Salmon Belly Seared with Fresno Chili Relish comes next. Richie presents his Fresno Slaw with Pineapple Curd & Seared Bay Scallops. Chris Jones has made Seared Chicken with Manzano Vinaigrette. Chris C’s dish is Coconut Soup with Thai Chili.

Heather has made Date & Pistachio Cous Cous, Pickled Cucumbers, Red Onions & Thai Chili. Chuy has turned his Habañeros into Sautéed Scallop with Achiote. Grayson has made Habañero Popper with Cream Lime Sauce. And Nyesha has used her habañeros in a Baby Fennel & Rock Shrimp Salad with Orange Habañero Vinaigrette. Finally, Paul has highlighted the Ghost Chili in Chilled Coconut Soup with Kaffir Lime, Ghost Pepper Relish.

The judges’ least favorites were Beverly, who didn’t do enough with her chili; Richie, who lost the power of his chili in the sweetness of his dish, and Chuy, who overpowered his habañeros with canned tomatoes.

On the top we have Heather, whose dish was exactly the kind of food Susan loves to eat; Grayson who totally showcased the chili; and Paul who went after the Ghost chili. And the winner is… Commercial. I hate when they do that.

Back! The winner of the quickfire challenge is… Paul! And he wins $20,000 and immunity for rolling the dice with the ghost chili. Good for Paul!

Moving to the elimination challenge, Padma tells them they’ll be competing in an age-old Texas tradition: the chili cook off. They’re in five teams of three to create a pot of chili…and they’ll have all night to cook back at their house. They’ll serve tomorrow at the Tejas Rodeo.

Sarah tells us her dad was a bull rider. Padma adds that they’ll be serving 200 cowboys and rodeo regulars, who will choose the winner.

They hit Whole Foods with 30 minutes to chop, and everyone charges the meat counter, buying up all the brisket. Whitney gets gamed out of any brisket despite being the first one to the counter, and ends up getting short ribs instead. Chris C. and Sarah get into a tussle at the check-out.

They get back to the house at 3:49 p.m.. Nyesha scalps all the beer from the kitchen. Chris sets up a cooking spot in the outdoor grilling area. Grayson wrangles for space in the fire pit.

There’s a lot of chopping and cooking, and suddenly it’s 7:40 p.m. The grillers are grilling, the choppers are chopping… and Tom walks in. He wanders around to all of the teams and asks his usual questions about what they’re doing. Commercial.

Back. 10:48 p.m. The chefs are getting tired. Edward knocks a wine bottle against the wall to get out the cork. Some people jump into the pool. Chuy dances. Chuy tells stories. Chuy gets pantsed. 1:16 a.m. 3:08 a.m. The black team is finished with their chili. Nyesha thinks they’ve made something special. The white team is determined to stay up. Ty-Lor is sleeping with his eyes open. At 5;12, Sarah jumps in the shower.

Shortly thereafter, the ones who went to bed get back up, and they all put on their coats and head out in their product placement vehicles to go to the rodeo.

On arrival, they all race to their stands and put on cowboy hats. The Westerner in me hates all of their asses right now for being such dudes, wearing their costumey cowboy hats and stupid kercheifs. They start reheating the chili, tasting, slicing cornbread. Etc. Etc. Etc.

The rodeo folk start to enter and taste chili. The black team worries that their mole chili is too complex for the cowboys. Eventually, the judges enter: Tom, Gail, Padma, and the Two Hot Tamales. The judges begin at the Green Team’s table for chili with roasted corn garnish, which Bravo has somehow seen fit not to describe on their website despite the fact that (spoiler alert!) it ends up being the winner. Mary Sue loves the depth of flavor, and Tom thinks it grows on you and gets better and better. Gail finds it a little thin and wishes there was something to soak it up.

The judges hit the Red Team’s table next for their chili, which is also getting the royal snubola from Bravo. Gail thinks it has a subtle smokiness and the right amount of heat. Mary Sue finds the texture a little stringy.

Over at the blue team’s table, the judges are served Smoked Brisket Chili with Summer Pickles with pork rinds on the top. Gail says pickled peaches are now her official favorite thing to eat with chili. Tom says the vegetables and sauce are better than the chili itself.

The black team’s "Chili Mole" with Cornbread is next. Susan says their cornbread is moister and more flavorful. Mary Sue wishes they’d had more of a focus for what they were going after.

Finally, they get the White Team’s Three Bean & Three Beef Chili & Poblamno Corn Bread. Poblamno? Really, Bravo? Really? You’re almost making it seem like the two teams you snubbed are getting off easy because you didn’t butcher the names of their dishes. Anyway. Gail wishes they hadn’t put the pickled vegetables in the chili, but Susan loves it. Tom says he’s glad he’s not choosing the winner, because that will be hard. He thinks the Black team’s was way too sweet, and Gail agrees it didn’t “feel like a chili.” Tom liked the red team’s flavor, but didn’t care for the texture of the shredded beef. Susan says that the White team’s was flat and didn’t have any heat. Blondie on the white team talks about being in the bottom on the last challenge and how there’s no way she’s going back there. Commercial.

Back. It’s rodeo time! The other attendees all clap for the cheftestants as they enter. Some asshole says “I am the giver of life. I am the giver of life.” What the fuck? What? What???? Who said that, and what the bluedilly fuck did it mean?

They watch the rodeo. Beverly cries because she wishes her husband was there to experience it. Nyesha wishes she’d suck it up. “There’s no crying in cooking,” she interviews. The emcee says that it’s time to announce the 2011 Tejas Rodeo chili cookoff winner, and Padma enters on a horse…which Chris C. compares to “seeing Fabio on the cover of one of his romance novels.” That is…weirdly apt. Well done, Chris C. I’m starting to like you, which I wasn’t doing so much since you spent a lot of the episode bitching about Sarah (even though I like Sarah way, way less than I like you).

Padma thanks everyone for coming, and announces that the winner is… the Green Team! Sarah says it makes her proud to be a Texan. Oh, shut the hell up.

Padma then announces that the Black Team had the least favorite, and someone from their team will go home. But… they’ll have the chance to prove they belong if they can transform the losing chili into a winning dish in 30 minutes. Time starts now. They run back to the rodeo grounds’ kitchen to cook.

Food flurry. Richie is coating pork tenderloins in Fritos. Beverly strains the chili into a sauce for tuna. Nyesha does the same thing, but for a frito crusted shrimp salad.

The other chefs sit around at picnic tables and talk about how they don’t envy the black team. Chris says something about how Richie would literally rip his kidney out of his body if you needed it.

Time is up, and Nyesha worries that she didn’t put enough sauce on the plate. Beverly presents her Seared Tuna with Habañero Creamed Corn. Nyesha’s dish is Frito-Encrusted Black Tiger Shrimp with Roasted Corn Salsa. And Richie’s is Frito-Encrusted Pork Tenderloin, Potato Hash & Ricotta Cheese Chili Puree.

The judges talk. Susan says Richie’s dish lacked seasoning, and Tom says it was one note. But Padma points out he did a lot in 30 minutes. Gail thought Nyesha did a good job with her shrimp, but it needed sauce, and Tom says the corn salad was sad. Mary Sue says Beverly made the best use of the chili, and she really changed the flavor profile. Commercial.

Fake back. They talk about what assholes they are to ask such tired chefs to cook again.

Really back. Tom tells Beverly that she fixed all the flaws and came up with a new dish, and she’s safe. Nyesha’s dish was nice, but didn’t go far enough. And Richie had a great idea that never came together.

Padma tells…Richie to pack his knives and go. He manages to thank them, but there are so many tears behind his voice. Poor kid. He basically falls into Chris Jones’ arms and cries about how he didn’t show what Moto can do, and Chris tells him he loves him. Richie says you can’t prep yourself for the emotional strain. He wishes everyone else luck, and hopes Chris will “be the Jedi you are and make it to the finals and win it all.”

Next! Dallas! Road closed! This is your kitchen! John Besh is a handsome man, I’m not going to lie. You can smell the smell of money. Man come on. This is Top Chef.

And on the interwebs, Richie cooks against Keith in the last chance kitchen, where they [spoiler alert!] compete to see who can make the best dish using Thanksgiving leftovers. Keith wins for a dish that features a stuffing and blue cheese fritter that I might have to take a shot at.