Top Chef: Let's Play a Love Game...

(get it? Get it???? Oh, I slay me sometimes)

Too rare venison
Dakota and Nyesha
Both pack knives and go.

I am running super late this morning, boar chops, so I have to contain what I might otherwise say about this episode.

But seriously: what in hell was that?

To get the good stuff out of the way first, I love the fact that Ty-lör is starting to come into his own. He showed a lot of character in last week’s episode, and then really brought it in the kitchen this week.

I’m sorry that Dakota and Nyesha had to go, as they both seemed like nice ladies and it blows to see one member of a team go out on the back of another’s error. By the same token, I’m glad Grayson didn’t get taken out by Ponytail Chris’s shit stupid potato fence idea … but I would’ve loved to see Ponytail Chris get taken out by his own shit stupid potato fence idea.

And then there’s the Heather and Beverly of it all. Um…. You remember how a few weeks ago I had no patience whatsoever with Beverly and all her crying and crying and crying, and thought Heather seemed like a tough, competent chef?

Yeah. That started turning around a bit last week and did a complete 180 last night. Now I think Beverly seems like a nice person, if damaged and maybe a bit floppy as a result of her past – and who wouldn’t be, with the past she’s outlined for us? And Heather. Oh, Heather. I would really like them to put a bag over her head for the rest of the proceedings, so that I never have to watch her mean little eyes contract to pinpoints, the nostrils of her smashed in nose flaring, and her face turning red then purple then grey with all the anger she’s got inside herself. And then I would like them to pull the strings on that bag really, really tight, so that maybe she couldn’t breathe so well.

But let’s walk through to how I got there, shall we? And something is broken in the way blogger is showing up on Chrome this morning, so just be patient with the fact that there aren't going to be any fancy links or formatting or shit -- I'm trying to do this in html, which is not my strong point.

Night. At the Cheftel suite, Nyesha reflects on how tough the challenge was to get through and how harsh Heather was on Beverly. Ty-lör thinks he’s been in the bottom too much, and vows to showcase the chef that he is. They all call themselves the Dirty Dozen.

The next morning they file into the Cordon Bleu kitchen where Tim Love and Padma await them. You may remember Tim Love from Top Chef Masters a long time ago, back when it had the different format and the super talented chefs. He’s also surrounded by tequilas, which Padma tells them they’ll be pairing with a dish for their quickfire challenge.

Padma tells them that the winner of this challenge won’t have immunity, but will get $5000. They have 30 minutes to taste the tequilas and cook.

Tequila flurry. Sarah tells us that she and Tony Mantuano have a tradition of having a shot of blanco tequila every time they fly. Creepy Ponytail Chris loves tequila, but says it’s not the easiest thing to work with. Edward says that cooking in Kentucky, he’s more familiar with bourbons. Ty-lör is making a “very intimate” dish he invented on a beach somewhere.

10 minutes. Dakota is working with the 1942 tequila. She says some very product placementy things about how smooth the tequila is. Blondie (why can’t I remember her name ever?) lived in Mexico for 2 years and is used to pairing with tequila. Ty-lör sees Ponytail Chris overcooking his chicken. Paul thinks Ty-lör is a genius for using clams. Time!

Padma and Tim Love begin tasting with Ty-lör’s 1942 tequila with Steamed Clams in Thai Style Fish Caramel Sauce. Heather’s Reposado paired with Mango Avocado Salad with Rock Shrimp is next. Beverly has also used Reposado pairing it with Cold-Smoked Green Tea Oyster. Tim Love finds the smoke interesting.

Up next is Sarah’s Blanco tequila with Fennel Risotto with Glazed Scallops. Then we see Lindsay’s Anejo paired with Salmon with Fennel Puree and Brown Butter Sauce. Edward has paired Anejo with Bok Choy Lettuce Wrap with Lamb. Tim Love thinks it’s a very interesting pairing. Ponytail Chris has poured the Blanco and paired it with Pan-Seared Chicken with Lime Vinaigrette, which Tim Love says is playful.

Grayson has made Anejo with Sesame Cod with Tequila Brown Sugar Glaze. She never drinks tequila because she’s from Wisconsin. Handsome Chris has used Blanco paired with a Raw Oyster with Tequila Tapioca Pearl and Sea Salt Air. It makes Tim Love feel like he’s at the beach. Dakota’s pour of 1942 paired with Lamb with Medjool Date Pistou is the last dish we see.

Tim Love thinks some didn’t live up to the challenge of pairing. He felt like Heather’s was like a special at a chain restaurant. Ponytail Chris’s chicken was dry, and Sarah’s risotto was undercooked. Sarah snipes to the cameras that she’s been training with experts in Italy on how to make risotto, and she’s not going to change the way she cooks it based on someone’s palate.

His favorites were Handsome Chris, Linsday, whose salmon was cooked nicely, and Ty-lör, whose spicy dish was a good contrast to the tequila. And the winner is… Ty-lör! Yay! I got to like him so much last week, I will even forgive him his stupid umlaut. Padma tells him not to drink his $5000 prize in one sitting. Commercial.

Back. Padma tells them that “the game is on” for their elimination challenge. They’ll be paired with the person next to them to work in teams. Naturally, Heather and Bev are teammates. Edward hopes he and Ty-lör don’t end up in the bottom like they did the last time they worked together.

Tim Love says they’ll be having a game dinner for him and some friends tomorrow night at the restaurant. Game as in game meats, not “hey come on over and watch the football game,” which is what I’d initially thought. His friends, naturally, are famous chefs. Each team will be cooking a protein for the chef they’re assigned to. Nyesha and Dakota will cook venison for Brian Caswell of Reef. Sarah and Paul will make squab for Top Chef Masters alumna Anita Lo of Annisa. Grayson and Ponytail Chris will serve elk to Tim Love. Handsome Chris and Lindsay will make boar for Jon Shook of Animal. Heather and Beverly are in charge of duck for Masters alum and City Grocery owner John Currence. Finally, Ed and Ty-lör will serve quail for Animal’s Vinny Dotolo.

I'm seriously, SERIOUSLY disappointed that none of them are cooking The Most Dangerous Game of all... MAN. They could make it for Tony Bourdain or something.

They’ll also have to cook extra plates for their fellow chefs ….because they’ll be judging each other too! They’ll pick their 3 least favorites to go before the judges, who will make the final decision about which team goes home. And the team that wins will split $10K.

The chefs move out to Whole Foods for 30 minutes of shopping on a $200. Bev and Heather bicker their way through the aisles. Well, Heather bickers anyway. Beverly is trying to be a team player despite Heather’s bossiness, so really Heather is just bickering with herself. Dakota says the double elimination adds an element of fear. Grayson is nervous about working with Ponytail Chris because he does a lot of crazy stuff. I would be nervous because he comes across like a douchey creeper, but good on her for staying professional. They all file out of the store and head back to the Cordon Blue kitchen for 3 hours of cooking time.

Food Flurry! Ponytail Chris has never cooked elk. He’s focusing on making some sort of chain link fence of sweet potato, which…what? Seriously? Paul thinks Sarah is nervous about the sausage she’s making. Heather wants to make sure that their dish isn’t “too Asian.” Edward says Bev’s a talented chef and Heather’s a complete bitch. I love Edward even more for just putting it all out on the line like that.
Five minutes. They start packing up for the day. Paul is worried about Sarah’s sausage. They all head back to the cheftel.

At the cheftel, Heather and Bev continue planning/bickering. Bev thinks Heather has been abrasive and controlling. It makes Bev flashback to a time she was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship that she had to run away from. Hoo boy, we just went to a deep place. Commercial.

Back. The next day the chefs all arrive at Lonesome Dove and begin to prepare. Lindsay and Chris will be serving first. Grayson says that between the double elimination, the $10,000, and the judging each other aspect of things, this is a high stress challenge. Heather says the kitchen they’re in is the tiniest, hottest kitchen she’s ever been in.

Chris Ponytail’s potato chain link fence – which, frankly, just looks like a big fucking cube of sweet potato if you ask me -- is brittle. Grayson is pissed at him, and he’s pissed at himself. He switches to making sweet potato fries.

The judges and chefs file in and find their seats. 10 minutes to service. Heather thinks Beverly asks too many questions, like a sous chef, and doesn’t think like a chef. Lindsay and Chris’s boar racks are a bit undercooked at the center, but they have enough that they don’t have to use the very center portions.

They serve first. Their dish is Roasted Wild Boar with Kohlrabi Slaw and Farro Fried Rice. Can we pause for a minute? I love boar in a slightly filthy way, and ever since NPR did this feature on cooking with it, I’ve wanted to try and cook with it. I think that’s going to be one of my New Year’s Resolutions. Anyway, Jon Shook thinks they should’ve left the marinade off of it. Tom says it’s a nice plate of food, but not very exciting. Lindsay and Chris go back to the kitchen in time to hear Paul saying the slaw is a bit watery.

Next up we have Heather and Beverly’s Five-Spice Duck Breast with Creamy Polenta and Pickled Cherries. John Currence doesn’t like the way the cherries are cooked and Hugh finds the duck breast rubbery. Someone else says it was too safe. One of the cheftestants in the back, though thinks the duck breast is “perfect” and “super tender.”

Grayson is nervous about their plates because the sweet potato is not as they imagined. Their dish goes out and is presented as Juniper Roasted Elk with Sweet Potato and Bouquet of Citrus Greens. Chris Ponytail explains how he fucked up the sweet potato, but Grayson steps on his little speech, telling him not to admit shit like that. She’s right – I think it’s important to own your mistakes at the Judges’ Table, but you don’t want to own them early enough to send you to Judges’ Table. Or, in this case, to give them ammunition in advance if someone else is making the decision about who to send to Judges’ Table. Tim Love says the meat is good, but it reminds someone else of “1982 banquet food”. Grayson thinks they’re probably going home. I’m worried about this too – I’d love to be shot of Chris J, but I don’t want him to cost me Grayson.

Back in the kitchen, Dakota and Nyesha have issues with their venison being seriously undercooked.

Next out to the diners we have Ed and Ty-lör’s Sorghum Quail with Pickled Cherries and Eggplant. Tim Love says the quail shines, and Anita Lo says they bring out the earthy qualities of the ingredients.

Back in the kitchen, Sarah’s sausage doesn’t poach through. Nyesha and Dakota’s venison is “raw-slash-rare” in Nyesha’s words. It goes out and is introduced as Roasted Rack of Venison with Kobocha Squash and Beet Gratin. I know you all think I’m going to rage on the beet gratin, but frankly I was relieved this morning to find out that’s what was on top of the dish, because last night I thought it was just sheer bloody raw. But no. Just death vegetables, not venison sashimi. Anyway. Tim Love thinks the venison flavor is nice, but the other reactions to it range from “undercooked” to “a little bit blue.”

Finally we have Sarah and Paul. Sarah wouldn’t forgive herself if something she did made Paul go home. They present their Squab Breast and Sausage with Nectarine Pickled. One of the Animal guys likes the sausage. Tom thinks the presentation is sloppy and rushed, but the food is good.

Padma comes into the kitchen and calls in Ed and Ty-lör. All the other chefs clap and congratulate them, assuming that they’re the winners. Which, of course, they are. They give each other a big hug and get to split $10,000. Ty-lör says it feels amazing to win the quickfire and elimination after being in the bottom. Ed is pleased not to have made an ass of himself.

Padma tells them that they and the other chefs have 15 minutes to choose which three teams to send back for elimination. Commercial.

Fakeback. The chefs are trying to talk out who should go back. Heather thinks they should just vote. Grayson points out that no one will vote for themselves.

Back. The chefs are still trying to decide. Paul nominates Heather/Beverly, Nyesha/Dakota and Chris/Grayson. Heather nominates Dakota/Nyesha and Grayson/Chris, then refuses to pick a third and gets touchy about not understanding the process. Ultimately they just vote. Edward thinks people are conspiring a bit. The teams that head in are Nyesha/Dakota, Chris J/Grayson, and Heather/Bev.

Tom asks if they think they deserve to be there. Heather doesn’t think they should be, and suspects it because she was in the top in the last challenge.

Tom tells Dakota/Nyesha that the dish was good, but the venison was undercooked. Dakota is embarrassed that the venison fell out of her grasp. Hugh says the flavor profiles were good, but it was just the meat that landed them in the basement.

Hugh thought the meat on Chris and Grayson’s was pretty good, but the potato was “like waaaaaah?” If I didn’t already love Hugh, the fact that he reacted to stupid Ponytail Chris’s stupid lump of potato with a Moe-esque “waaaaaah?” would’ve put me over the top. He thinks they may live or die by the potato fence.

Beverly and Heather are next and Heather says they had an issue of balancing two chefs in one plate. Um, jackass? Everyone had to do that. That’s what happens in a challenge where you have two chefs working on one dish. That’s the nature of the challenge, you dumb swollen necked baboon. And then Heather goes on another of her weird, gross, purple faced rage tirades and tries to make it all about Beverly’s “work ethic” in the last challenge. Dakota stands up for Beverly saying she’s a hardworking, strong cook. Heather then makes it about Beverly lacking the self confidence to “push through” and get results. Beverly says she has confidence, but shows it in a different way. Padma dismisses them.

In the kitchen, Heather says “Beverly, I’m sorry if you think I hurt your feelings, but that’s the truth.” That is the absolute baseline worst fauxpology in the history of insincere bitchassedness. “I’m sorry if you think I hurt your feelings” – so it’s not even just the person you’re fauxpologizing to’s fault for getting her feelings hurt, you’re going to top that one off by saying “you think I hurt your feelings” and further illegitimatizing her reaction by saying she doesn’t even really understand the feelings she’s having? Jesus Harold Christ, lady. And then she continues bitching about the Asianness of the dish. Then she turns on Grayson, just talking over her. Grayson says that calling out your partner in a double elimination is ridiculous because it means you’re going home too. Heather keeps ranting. It’s just gross. I hope someone tries to make something en flambé and sets her the fuck on fire.

You know what? I don’t remember the last time I disliked a cheftestant this much! Maybe I’m reengaging with the show! Maybe this gross snoutnosed lump of ego and rage brought to human form is exactly what I needed to get me back into the show! Thanks, Heather, you fucking bitchrag. You’ve saved Top Chef!

Tom thinks their peers made the right choice of who to send back. Hugh says Grayson and Chris may go home because Chris put the idea – the stupid potato chain link fence idea which, whaaaaa? -- first before the flavor. They all agree that everything but the venison was great on Nyesha and Dakota’s dish, but think that Nyesha not checking the venison was a failure of teamwork. Tom says Heather and Beverly’s dish was just “a big messy plate of food,” and they’re all dumbfounded by the fact that Heather is still living in the last challenge. Tim Love says you need to have a “baseball memory,” in Top Chef – you can’t come to the plate still thinking about your last strikeout. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them that they agree with their colleagues’ vote that they made the worst dishes. Chris and Grayson’s was all over the place. Dakota and Nyesha’s was really undercooked. Beverly and Heather’s duck wasn’t crispy enough, and they basically made two different dishes.

Padma tells… Dakota and Nyesha to pack their knives and go. Nyesha is upset with herself for not taking more control. Dakota says Nyesha was awesome. Sobbing, she tells the other chefs that Nyesha shouldn’t be going home. Nyesha’s frustrated that she can’t continue to compete when there are chefs still in it who have nothing on her. Dakota feels like she’s disappointed so many people, including herself.

Next: Movin’ out! Welcome to Austin. Patti Labelle! And then my TV went black because there was some sort of DVR hiccup, but whatever. We’ll know in a week. Probably fighting and cooking.

And in Last Chance Kitchen…Nyesha and Dakota face off against Whitney in a challenge where they have to use a wok only, using cactus and any other ingredients in the Top Chef kitchen. It kind of burns me, because I’ve been waiting 9 seasons now for a cactus challenge, and it’s relegated to the stupid Last Chance Kitchen. Anyway, Nyesha’s Asian Scallops with Prickly Pear beat Whitney’s Cactus and Chicken Fried Rice and Dakota’s Shrimp Toastada with Watermelon and Prickly Pear Shooter. But everyone’s happy because Dakota felt bad about taking Nyesha out and Whitney says Nyesha’s the only one she’d want to beat her.