Top Chef: Now That's Progressive

Overcooked Salmon
Stories about his father
Chuy lives online.

(erm… spoiler alert?)

So…. I don’t much know what to say about this episode, kids. I was running through sitemeter the other day to see what people were reading here, and ended up reading a recap from the Las Vegas season. And – not to brag – but I made myself laugh out loud a couple of times. I was clearly really engaged with that episode, and there were all sorts of in-jokes and references to Mushroom Kingdoms, and I seemed genuinely excited when the people I liked won and spewed forth all sorts of colorful invective when someone I didn’t like did something.

And I don’t remember the last time I felt that way about an episode, and I don’t know what it would take to get me back there.

With last night’s episode, at least, it was because I was actually angry with Top Chef for being on opposite Whitechapel, which I would’ve much rather been watching. Not just because it’s SO DAMN GOOD and the last episode until god knows when (Season 3 starts in the UK in January, but how long before we get it over here? Can we at least get Silk in the interim? Pretty please, BBC America?), but because…well, watch this preview video. You can take a minute. I’ll wait.

Back? Ok, excellent. Now, not only do I want to know how the series wraps up, I can’t stop watching that video and laughing hysterically at the end. Because this, my friends, is how a normal person reacts to being threatened with a gun:

“Pleasepleaseplease oh god please don’tshootme oh my god pleeeeeeaaaaaase….”

And this is how Rupert Penry-Jones reacts to being threatened with a gun:

“I say, are you threatening me with a gun, sir? Really, I’m pained by your poor taste in pursuing this course of action.”

But it’s not Top Chef’s fault that it’s not Whitechapel. And that’s clearly only been the case for the last couple of weeks of overlap (because I liked Whitechapel for the first series, but I didn’t become OH MY GOD obsessed with it until the finale of the Jack the Ripper case). It doesn’t explain the fact that since…oh, maybe the DC season? Either the show or I or the two of us together haven’t been quite able to recapture that old magic, with the Mushroom Kingdoms and the imaginary cooking threesomes and everything.

Anyway. This week they brought an interesting Quickfire challenge which they sped through, and a rock-bottom boring elimination challenge in which the chefs had to cook for a suburban progressive dinner. I feel like they didn’t spend enough time mining the potential conflicts between the chefs with trained palates and a bunch of nouvelles riches who haven’t realized yet that being childish, picky assholes about what they eat is not the same as having taste. And you know those tensions were there. They bubbled up to the surface with a couple of people, and I can’t believe they didn’t do more with it.

In fact, maybe that’s where the show is falling down on its part of the job: they’re no longer showing as much conflict, dramatic tension, or character development. And I don’t know what they’re doing with that time, because they’re sure as hell not showing us anything with the food. So what are we spending 60 minutes on if we’re not spending it on drama and we’re not spending it on food (and we’re sure as hell not spending it on Rupert Penry-Jones, which I am still pretty fucking upset about)? Long shots of Padma on horseback? Product placement? Real estate porn so the Highland Park residents can put “as seen on Top Chef” on the fliers when they have to short-sell their houses? Or was that all just an audition for Real Housewives of Dallas?

Anyway. Let’s just do this.

Night. We are back at the Tejas Rodeo, where everyone is still drained from the challenge, and more than a little freaked out about all the crying that Richie and Beverly did. Padma moseys up to them and tells them to get a good night’s sleep tonight, because tomorrow they’ll be heading for Dallas. Edward is bummed because he just fell in love with the Chef House. Don’t fall in love with a house, Edward. It will never love you back.

The next morning, they all pack up and talk about Dallas. Beverly thinks Dolly Parton is from Dallas. Beverly is wrong and stupid. Chris J. thinks a new city is a new opportunity to show what he can do. They load into their product placement vehicles and head off, and have some nice getting-to-know-you time, which is a plus since it seems like in recent seasons, we haven’t gotten-to-know the chefs as well as we once did. Anyway, we find out that Edward has been married a year; Ty-lör has a boyfriend; Beverly has an unexpected arm full of tats; and Chris C. used to be 70 pounds heavier until his picture was in a magazine and all of his friends fat shamed him.

Their pleasant drive comes to an abrupt end as the chefs see a road block and Texas Highway Patrol. Dakota has an outstanding ticket and perhaps a warrant from an incident in San Antonio.

Buuuut…they’re not really arrested. They are in another kind of trouble, though, because John Besh and Padma are standing there waiting for them. “John Besh is a handsome man,” Chris C. says, demonstrating the age-old ability of like to recognize kind.

John Besh welcomes them to the quickfire, which Padma tells them is about being resourceful and inventive. They have survival kits in their trunks, and must use them to make the best possible dish. They have 30 minutes, and the winner gets $5K and immunity.

Freeway Food Flurry! Chris J. runs in the opposite direction as the rest of the chefs, and for a moment I have the delightful thought that he’s run totally amok and is making a break for it. Run, Chris J.! Run to Richie and to freedom!

Alas, no. He’s merely running to a cornfield to see if there’s usable corn. The others start rooting through the packs to find an assortment of packaged foods. They have to punch holes in the cans with some sort of awl.

12 minutes. They all seem to be stuck at the can-opening phase. Chris C. is using “lemon drink” powder for acid. They all say the usual things about how they would never cook with all this canned food, and how it’s totally out of their comfort zone. [Blondie] is using Vienna sausages in a tribute to her dad, who used to eat them. Edward is determined not to make “Flintstone food” just because he’s at a camp site.

5 minutes. Edward pulls a muscle in his back. Chris J.’s corn didn’t work out. Time! Commercial!

Back! Padma and John Besh begin tasting the dishes with Chris J.’s Fried Chicken on Lemongrass Noodles. Next is Chuy’s “Dirty Mouth Dirty Rice” made with Basmati Rice with Smoked Trout. Grayson has made Pickled Herring with Hearts of Palm, Dates and Herring Juice. Lindsay has made a Triple Club [Sandwich] with Tuna and Sardines in French Onion Soup with Vienna Sausage.

Heading into the second batch of chefs, Ty-lör’s dish is Black Pepper Chicken Stew with Garbanzo Beans and Rice. Padma compliments his rice. Sarah’s concoction is Dried Beef and Pineapple Rice, Apple Sauce and Hearts of Palm. Chris C. has made Spicy Garbanzo Beans with Tofu and Crab. Besh is impressed that he sweetened with Crystal Light.

As we head for the home stretch (except for the 3 or 4 chefs we don’t see at all because there are still so damned many of them), we learn that Whitney’s dish is Beer and Peach Glazed Chicken with Green Bean Casserole. Edward’s is Thai Peanut Soup with Salmon, Tofu and Fried Hominy. Paul has made Pork and Beans with Coffee and Basmati Rice, and Dakota cooked up some Sweet and Spicy Noodles with Crab Meat and Pineapple Juice. Padma says her pineapple is very sweet.

John Besh says his least favorites were Whitney’s chicken, which didn’t have “love.” Dakota’s noodles were one dimensional and sweet, and Chris C’s was underseasoned.

On the plus side, he loved Edward’s attention to detail. He was scared of Lindsay’s dish, but liked it. Chuy made him a believer in canned smoked trout. And the winner is…. Lindsay! Yay! She seems small and scrappy (really, I haven’t developed strong opinions of any of them yet. Except for Paul, who I like, Sarah, who I can’t abide for mostly shallow reasons, Chris C., who is a handsome former fatty, Chris J., who seems like a tool and a douchebag, Beverly, who cries too damn much, and Edward, Grayson, and Heather, whose cooking has consistently impressed me, I really don’t have much of an opinion on any of these people beyond “small and scrappy.”). She hopes her father is proud.

Padma tells them their elimination will take place in the exclusive neighborhood of Highland Park, where three neighbors will be hosting a progressive dinner. The chefs will be providing the food. They’ll be in three teams, broken up to do appetizers, entrée, and dessert, but the challenge will ultimately be individual, with each member of the team providing a dish in their category. Dakota is pissed to be stuck with dessert again.

Padma tells them to check into their hotel and then go to the clients’ house to plan. The chefs arrive at a product placement boutique hotel, which Edward approves of “it feels like Dallas. It’s big, it’s opulent, great views.” After spinning him in some sort of giant basket chair that’s been mounted on a Lazy Susan, they head off to Highland Park.

The appetizer team – Chris, Whitney, Lindsay, Paul, and Sarah -- heads to the home of Kim and Justin Whitman. Whitney talks about how different this house is from her own poor upbringing. Anyway, as an added “treat” for the appetizer team, Kim Whitman is a lifestyle and entertaining expert, and gives them her books to work from. Awesome. I’m sure trained chefs are totally delighted to be given instructions by the genius behind such vanity press classics as Tablescapes (girl, Sandra gonna sue your ass for that one), The Wedding Workbook, Dog Parties and The Pleasure of Your Company. She also gives them a list of her dislikes: no bell peppers, no cilantro, nothing that causes bad breath or get stuck in their teeth. Chris badgers her into letting him do a different presentation of familiar flavors.

The entrée team --Ty-lör , Chuy, Nyesha, Beverly and Heather -- head to the home of Kari and Troy Kloweer. Ty-lör says their house smells like money, which is a different smell than his apartment in Brooklyn. Ty-lör is thus proved to be more tactful than my great-grandmother, who would’ve expressed the same sentiment by saying “stinks of new money.” Husband Troy likes spicy food while wife Kari doesn’t. Kari hates cilantro and raspberries. Troy likes beef; Kari doesn’t eat it. Chuy says he’d throw her out of his restaurant.

Finally, the dessert team --Edward, Grayson, Chris C. and Dakota-- go to the home of Kameron and Court Westcott. They love cake balls, cupcakes, and bananas, and want something worth every calorie that will make Court’s “inner fat kid cry.” Court’s (I keep typing Cord, because I’m so into One Life To Live right now, folks) wedding cake was a giant gummi bear. Edward can’t deal with how these people have so much “elegance” and yet are asking him to cook with gummi bears. Edward also has more tact than my great-grandmother, who would’ve sniffed something about not being able to buy taste. She was not a tactful lady. Let’s blame at least part of that on the Alzheimer’s.

The chefs head to Whole Foods and run around madly with a budget of $250 and 30 minutes. Ty-lör is excited about the fact that this is the first individual challenge. Paul knows it’s important to cook for the clients in this kind of situation, not for yourself. Chris C. is making a cupcake recipe he’s not tested. Commercial.

Back. The chefs return to their houses and start to work. Sarah is excited to cook Italian food. Ty-lör is determined not to end up back at judges’ table. Chris C. is making a dish that looks “exactly like a cigar,” which Paul doesn’t think is the best idea, because with a situation like this you want to impress the lady of the house. Paul continues his streak of making me like him by thinking about the tasks more than the others. Heather is aggravated with Beverly because she’s hogging up the entire kitchen. Beverly also apparently moved Nyesha’s blanching water and strainer. Now everyone hates Beverly, which is kind of ok with me since I’m not fond of her either.

At dessert house, Edward is making pannna cotta, and refuses to feed 12 people based on one couple’s likes and dislikes. Just come out and say it, Edward – one couple’s tacky-ass likes and dislikes. You and I both know that’s what you’re thinking.

Back at the Whitman’s house, a bunch of suburbanites and the judges show up for their appetizers. Mrs. Whitman is Canadian like Gail. Paul talks about pushing himself to do better and evolve. I like Paul.

The appetizer team begins presenting their plates. First up is Chris J, who has done a Roasted Chicken Cigar with Sweet Corn, Collard Greens, and Cumin Ash. It looks pretty much exactly like the one featured on All Top Chef last week as being a regular menu item at Moto. Which… ok, they all do dishes from their restaurants, but the fact that he’s doing this one totally belies all his claims that he was inspired by Justin’s cigar collection. Congratulations, All Top Chef and Richie! You totally blew up Chris J’s spot! A huge part of me hopes it was intentional – I find him creepy.

ANYWAY. Back to the food. Sarah’s dish is Grilled Roman-Style Artichokes with Date Purée. Lindsay has made a Roasted and Raw Beet Salad with Chickpeas & Greek Vinaigrette, aka Salad of Anaphylactic Death. Whitney has made a Seared Scallop over Sweet Corn Puree.

Everyone picks up plates and heads back to the living room for eating and more suburban chit chat. Tom thinks Chris’ cigar is dry, and a wife – Kameron?-- says the idea of eating a cigar doesn’t appeal to her. Mrs. Whitman loves Sarah’s artichoke. Besh finds Lindsey’s beets boring. They love Paul’s Brussels Sprouts. Whitney’s wasn’t a conversation starter. Justin says some of the dishes were great while others didn’t work. “So…close, but no cigar?” Tom jokes. They all give droll suburban laughs.

At entrée house, Chuy has wrecked his salmon. Ty-lör and Heather are happy to be there together because they’re good friends. Ty-lör screws up his presentation.

The chefs present their dishes family style. Heather’s is Garlic and Rosemary Grilled Lamb Chops with Garbanzo Beans & Mint Chimichurri. (YUM). Chuy has made Sockeye Salmon Filet Stuffed with Goat Cheese. Beverly’s dish is Seared Scallop with Creamy Polenta, and Paul’s is Fried Brussels Sprouts with Grilled Prosciutto. Yum – I’m on such a polenta and risotto kick lately. It isn’t even funny. It’s a total betrayal of my terroni roots. Ty-lör’s entrée is Grilled Pork Tenderloin with Summer Slaw, and Nyesha has made a Roasted Filet of Beef with Vegetable Mélange that looks very rare.

One of the husbands finds Chuy’s salmon stringy, but likes Beverly’s salmon. Gail finds Ty-lör’s pork dry, and one of the older wives says it reminds her of something her parents would’ve made in the ‘50s. Heather’s lamb is overcooked, and Nyesha’s beef looks like it’s been decorated with blood.

Over at dessert house, Dakota is looking for a vessel to serve her milkshake in. Unable to find one, she fashions shot glasses out of dates. Grayson is afraid her sponge cake won’t be spongy. Chris has mixed emotions about his cupcake.

The chefs present their desserts beginning with Dakota’s Banana Bread Pudding, Banana Mousse and Banana Date Milkshake. Sweet Mary, that looks so goddamn good. Chris C. has made a Strawberry Cupcake with Banana Custard and Chocolate Icing, while Edward’s dessert is Panna Cotta, Cantaloupe Consommé and Raspberries Stuffed with Basil Pudding. We end with Grayson’s Chocolate Sponge Cake, Caramelized Bananas and Semifreddo. Sweet Mary, that looks so goddamn good. Well done, dessert ladies.

Kari finds Edward’s dish “jiggly looking.” A husband finds Grayson’s cake a bit too rich. Court loves Chris’s cupcake, but Tom can’t think of anything nice to say about it so he remains silent. Old wife says she could eat Dakota’s bread pudding every day.

The neighbors then head out to have margaritas while the judges make their decisions. Commercial.

Fakeback. We hear about Chuy’s stories about his dad, who apparently is Superman.

Really back. The chefs appear to be sitting around in a back yard, talking about how they did. Yep, they’re still at dessert house. Padma calls back Sarah, Grayson, Paul, and Dakota. They served the favorite dishes of the evening! Yay! Tom loved the salty aspects of Grayson’s dessert. John Besh liked the refined flavors in Sarah’s appetizer. Gail found Dakota’s bread pudding nostalgic and comforting, and Paul’s sprouts made sense to Tom.

And the winner is…. Paul! Yay! I like him. He says it’s a huge boost to his morale, and he’s representing for Texas. Now he has to call back Chris, Chris, Ty-lör and Chuy.

They, naturally, have the judges’ least favorite dishes. Tom didn’t know where Chris C’s dessert started and where it ends. He says it felt like it was designed by a 3 year old who went crazy at a birthday party. John Besh says he gave in to too many of the clients’ whims.

Gail found Ty-lör’s dish disproportionate, and John Besh says the meat was kind of “hacked.” Chuy says he’s done his dish before in the restaurant. Gail could see the “bagels and lox” inspiration, but says that wasn’t what it tasted like.

Tom says Chris J. should’ve tossed the cigar idea and done what was right for the ingredients, and Besh says he got caught up in the gimmick and didn’t focus on good food. It’s dead on criticism – clearly he wanted to do an impressive presentation that he was comfortable with, and didn’t pay as much attention to the flavors.

The cheftestants are dismissed and head back to the yard. Tom says the chefs cooked like they were throwing darts at a dart board. Besh didn’t see any redeeming value in Chuy’s dish. Gail says Chris J’s cigar was hard to eat and unappealing, and Tom says he fell in love with the idea and couldn’t make it work. Gail couldn’t make sense of Chris C’s cupcake dish, and Tom agrees it was a mess “bad on top of bad on top of bad.” John Besh is more offended by Ty-lör’s pork tenderloin, which Padma calls “so much and nothing at all.” They reach a decision, and we cut to commercial.

Back. Tom says that they all could’ve corrected their mistakes by thinking things through. Chris’s dish didn’t make sense. Ty-lör should’ve used fewer ingredients and focused. Chuy gave them overcooked salmon and goat cheese. And Chris J. should’ve edited.

Padma tells … Chuy to pack his knives and go. Everyone else sags with relief. Chuy wanted to see himself go further because he was having fun. He goes out and says goodbye to everyone else. He wanted to make a mark since he’s the youngest person in the competition, but he thinks his dad would be proud.

Next! SOUTHFORK RANCH, MOTHERFUCKERS! I need a medic right now! I’m concerned about my hand, and I’m concerned about being eliminated. If I was in a restaurant, you’d be refunding that money.

And in Last Chance Kitchen, Chuy will face Keith. Chuy doesn’t stand a chance, right?(Spoiler Alert): He totally does, though, defeating Keith in a challenge that involves them butchering and cooking their own steaks. Oh well. At least now he’s just on the internet and we don’t have to listen to another story about his dad until/unless he manages to cook his way back into the competition.