The Fashion Show Express Lane Recaplet: Congratumalations, Jeffrey

First, before you get sanctimonious on me, yes I did watch the State of the Union first, and then flipped to DVR and watched The Fashion Show. This is despite the fact that at ten on the dot, my cat walked over to the television, stood on her hind legs, and started smacking the President in the face. She has never attacked the TV before. My options are either to believe that my cat is a Tea Partier, or that she really, really wanted to watch The Fashion Show finale. I choose to believe the latter.

Second, what a nice little show! What a nice way to close out a season that was such a huge improvement over the first one! How great to see good work from all the finalists, great work from two of them, and the best man winning! It’s such a nice little palate cleanser after the hot messes the most recent Project Runway and Top Chef (original recipe, not Just Desserts) have made of their finales!

Let’s push our carts toward the express lane one last time and see how that came about, shall we?

1. We open with some very typical finale type jazz about how crazy it is to be in the finale, except for Jeffrey, who is confident. That bodes not well for Jeffrey, under most circumstances, but we’re now living in bizarro world, where a major news network will broadcast the unhinged rantings of a representative of what is at worst a radical fringe group and at best a third party disorganized even by third party standards. So (spoiler) maybe the kid will be alright.

2. The designers wander across New York and into a show room, where they’re confronted with 6 of their looks from the competition, some of which are still really shitty. Iman greets them and reminds them of the prizes – the winner gets a shit-ton of cash and some other good stuff, while the losers will be tortured for years in Iman’s personal sex basement. Hahahahahaha, just kidding (only I’m not). She recaps their progress throughout the season, reminding them, in case the visual wasn’t enough, that they were sometimes really shitty. She then explains their final challenge – they’ll have to create 9 looks for their Ultimate Collection show, and they have a week to do it. They each get a base budget of $3600; Jeffrey gets an additional $1000 because he’s won two challenges; Dominique gets an extra $500 because even though she won two challenges, she opted for immunity rather than the cash in one of them.

Calvin, Iman reminds us, has somehow stumbled toward the finish line despite not having won a single challenge during the show, and coming in at the bottom almost every time.

3. The designers sit and peer up at their previous work and sketch. Calvin is relieved not to have to fight other people for ideas. Dominique is relieved by the silence. Jeffrey thinks about his dead mother. Then they go shopping. Calvin chooses all black fabrics, and criticizes some of Jeffrey’s red fabrics as looking “poorly cheap.”

4. They each get their time with Isaac and their mood boards. Calvin’s inspiration for his collection is his “journey of me as an angry person through the competition to the more peaceful journey I am now.” Dominique’s, similarly, is the competition’s progress from noise/chaos into silence. Isaac tells Jeffrey he could use some simplification.

5. Work time! We learn that Calvin only wears black because he’s a water sign (me too!), he was born in a water year (and that’s where our similarities end – I’m a fire snake), and he’s very superstitious. He never wears red, because that’s fire and he thinks it would harm him (this is clearly why I wear red frequently and black seldom. Except it’s not – I just think black makes me like a sallow Italian grandmother – but my new excuse is going to be “I don’t want to quench my SPIRITUAL FIRE.”). Jeffrey and Dominique acknowledge Calvin’s skill and speed, but say he needs to edit.

Jeffrey talks some more about his mother, who died of breast cancer when he was 20.

I am torn between wanting to crack my head against the wall with frustration about all the dead mother talk and my inability to mock anyone who loses someone to cancer.

We speed through their work time until we land on day 4. Dominique starts dyeing something in an homage to Cesar, and compares her “understated confidence” to “wearing good lingerie” – even if no one else knows it’s there, it makes you feel good. Calvin thinks she’s foolish to dye something when the king of dying – Cesar – went out for dyed garments.

Calvin, as per usual, finishes early and decides to make more looks. He does a red dress – despite his earlier fire superstitions – and dedicates it to his dying lover.

6. On day 5, Iman walks in with a surprise – the losing designers will be sacrificed on her mighty altar, and she will drink their blood. Hahahaha no, just kidding (only I’m not). She actually has envelopes describing a tenth look the judges want them to make to demonstrate range.

I REALLY like this twist on the near-ubiquitous extra look “shocker” we’ve seen in lo so many seasons of Project Runway – it’s so much more of a true challenge than it is to allow a competitor to crank out one more design that’s right in their wheelhouse.

Anyway, for this extra challenge, Calvin will make a pants suit; Jeffrey will make a strapless dress; and Danielle will make business attire. But they’ll have extra help – Tamara has been brought back to help Calvin, since she’s pretty much the only one who could stand him; Cindy is here for Jeffrey since giving him Cesar would be too much of an advantage; and Dominique, of course, gets Daniel, because for some perverse reason Bravo is bound and determined to cram their gross adolescent “love story” down our throats.

I’m sorry. They’re nicer and more attractive people than Leah and Hosea, by a country mile, but they’re both juvenile charisma free fetus lunks, and I have absolutely zero interest in watching them flirt like high school students.

Then we see a lot more work, with Jeffrey and Cindy rushing to finish, Tamara and Calvin being very relaxed because they have no work to do compared with the others, and Calvin comparing Dominique’s clothes to “big potato sack.”

7. We eventually get through all the work, all the hair and make-up consults with people who are not Collier Strong or the handlebar moustache hair man, and get to the show, where a surprise awaits them – their families! Calvin’s mother is adorable (even though she chews gum and looks pretty disinterested during his show).

So let’s get to the clothes, huh?

8. Calvin’s collection goes first, opening with a cute but very basic short black dress with an interesting draped neck. It’s followed by a long black dress with a similar treatment at the neck. Then there’s a long black dress with a capelet thing on the non-sleeved shoulder. I’m beginning to get restless from all the black dresses, when a black and white one sleeved tunic with pants comes out. Love it. It’s followed by a pair of white palazzo pants with a huge black and white coat (right). SUPER love it. Next are black pants with a white top and a cape, then black pants with a cute black top with a white neck thing. His tenth look – a tuxedo inspired pants suit, follows. Then there’s a long black gown with a tie in the back. His show closes with a really, really lovely long red gown with one shoulder and a low back (left). It’s gorgeous, and it puts the perfect exclamation point on the end of his collection.


9. During commercials, we get a fakeback scene where Tamara wants the “juicy details” of what happened between Dominique and Daniel while she was gone. That makes ONE person (beyond the two of them) who’s interested. Stop trying to make the fetus lunks happen, Bravo. The fetus lunks are not going to happen.

10. We return from commercial to Dominique’s show, which opens with a frumpy beige blazer over a white micro dress (right). Then there’s a cute beige bandage look dress that I really like. Next comes a grey wrap-esque dress over a slightly longer black skirt, and a giant brown poncho and shorts. We’ve hit the ugly homeless portion of the collection, apparently, because this is followed by an asymmetrical top with horrible bloomers. Then there’s a short jumpsuit with a deep V in front – even I like it, and I think all jumpsuits should be summarily burned. We then return to homelessness with a basic v-neck dress with one of her Jesus coats lie the one from last week. There’s a short sleeved dress in her dyed fabric, and then a really beautiful white and purple toga dress which I LOVE (left). The final look is a balloony looking eggplant dress.

Wait, which one of those looks was supposed to be business wear? I saw nothing you could wear to an office without being summoned to HR for a stern talking to.

11. Jeffrey’s collection goes last. He opens with a white cape/tunic thing with leggings. Ugh. I hope he doesn’t go to this well too often. Then there’s a white hooded dress, followed by a very ‘40s looking dress with a white top and a grey skirt(right) – it’s backless, and I love it.Next is a jacket with a fur collar paired with a white skirt, then a grey tunic thing with leggings. Ugh. Then there’s a long grey dress with a deep V, a red dress with a long grey coat, and his 10th look – an absolute dream of a strapless red dress (left). Amazing. A. Mazing.It’s followed by a long sleeved red dress that’s a little too Lisa Marie in Mars Attacks for my tastes. He closes with a stunning red draped dress that – like his green dress last week – appeals to my Downton Abbey glutted sensibilities. It’s even better, though, because it’s less absolutely derivative of an Edwardian dress, and therefore less costumey. I love it. I want it.

So it’s totally between Jeffrey and Calvin, right? This is obvious to anyone – they both had uneven moments, but they also both had several absolutely stunning take-your-breath-away looks. Danielle had a bunch of homeless chic and two cute dresses.


12. We head to the runway, where we learn that in addition to Isaac and Iman, we’ll be treated to the judging skillz of Laura Brown, Glenda Bailey, and Mary J. Blige. Hm. I’m glad she’s judging the finale, and not the episode where Tamara used her as inspiration for her femme fatale look. We’re reminded that the winner gets a crapload of money, and the losers get fed to Iman’s young. Hahahahaha no, just kidding (only I’m not).

The judges begin their critique with Dominique. Isaac liked her prints and fabrics. Iman, like me, hated her first look. I feel totally vindicated. We also learn that this was meant to be her “business wear” look. Um….does she plan on doing business on a street corner? Because she manages to look both drab and hooker-ish. Anyway. Glenda is sad that the collection didn’t reflect Dominique’s personality. Danielle then babbles nonsensically about how much she loved it. But the judges don’t, love, and that’s what counts.

Jeffrey is next, and he talks some more about his dead mother. Isaac says his collection is bold and fearless, and says Mary J. squealed at the strapless dress. Mary J. says she’d wear everything in the collection. Isaac thinks the grey top over the white dress didn’t work (cosigned), but Iman thinks the ‘40s-ish dress that I loved was “tortured” and “like a straight jacket.” She’ll be ordering six to use in her personal sex basement. And speaking of sex basements, Isaac gives a way too graphic explanation of the way Jeffrey’s show built “like an orgasm.”

We finish out with Calvin. Isaac takes the time to tell Mary J. that Calvin was almost gone every week. Laura Brown talks about his growth from the yellow “eessa banana” dress from the first challenge to the superficially similar red dress that closed out this show. Iman didn’t like the pants suit because she thought the fabric was cheap. Isaac loved the look with the coat and the palazzo pants (cosigned) and thought the fabric was divine.

We cut to commercial for the judges to deliberate. I don’t know why they won’t show any of the deliberation on this show – I suppose that’s preferable to Isaac, Kelly Rowland, and Fern Mallis going out into the hallway and gossiping like mean girls they way they did last season, but I don’t like not knowing at all about their rationale.

On the flip side, though, I am ABUNDENTLY grateful that they didn’t do a “why do you deserve to win?” thing. You all know how I feel about that bullshit.

13. Returning, Iman gives her summation. Dominique is a “youthful and exuberant designer.” Jeffrey “entered this competition calling yourself a unisex designer, but what you have proven is that you have a wonderful understanding of a woman’s body.” And Calvin showed tremendous restraint and created stunning minimal looks that are of the moment.

14. Dominique, as I predicted, is out. In what may be my favorite moment of the show, Isaac drawls “Oh, Dominique, you’re SO greeeeaaaaat,” in a voice that indicates he could really care less.

15. So the winner is …Jeffrey! Yay! Confetti cannons go off, startling him. Calvin makes a very dignified comment about the best designer winning and Jeffrey earning it. (This reminds me that I'd planned to use the title "There Go Hell Went" for when Calvin got kicked off the show, and then he never did. And I ended up liking his stuff a close second or tied for first best. Whodathunk?)

Then everyone comes out and screams, and all the eliminated designers talk about how amazing Jeffrey is. Jeffrey closes out the season with these words of wisdom:“This is not a dream come true. You know what it is? It’s a LIFE come true.” Aw.

And that’s the very sweet close of The Fashion Show: Ultimate Collection, bathsalts. We’re sans Top Chef: All Stars this week, and down to one show for the foreseeable future (until we get launch dates for Project Runway: Accessories, Project Runway: Masters, or Project Runway: We’re Ripping Off Variations of a Show That Was The First Rip Off of Our Show. Is That Irony?). Maybe I’ll find some time in there to write about something other than television for once.

Top Chef All Stars: Restaurant Wars. . .Outdoors

Wolverine hairdo
Why foam? Why now? No answer.
Go, Marcel. Just go.

Grumph.

I am rather displeased, fromages.

Not at Marcel being gone. No. Really, I could care less about Marcel being gone, my feelings for him having run the narrow gamut from “what a douche” to “what a vaguely amusing douche” over the course of his Top Chef and All Stars life.

But the episode. Oh, the episode.

First, and at the risk of repeating myself for about the zillionth time, I don’t like the supersized episodes. I don’t think they really add anything, and they interfere with my sleep and my ability to watch Conan. And this one particularly – what did we get with that extra fifteen minutes? Extra footage of Mike and Marcel yelling at each other about a variety of things? More scintillating coverage of Tiffany making the diners uncomfortable with her forced laugh and fake folksy charm?

Second, the outcome – at least the team outcome – was spoiled before the episode even started. The preview they showed last week and the commercial they’ve been showing all week has featured Mike and Marcel laying into each other at Judges’ Table. Since it also showed that it would be Restaurant Wars, you knew they’d end up on the same team and you knew that team would be in the bottom. There’s no reason to be yelling at each other like that in front of the judges if you’re there for the win. The only possible exception would be if the judges called them in, questioned and critiqued them and led them to expose the team’s weaknesses BEFORE they told them whether they were on the top or on the bottom. And that seems to be a level of exquisite torture even Bravo hasn’t come up with yet.

(Andy Cohen, you use that idea, you pay me. Got it? Good)

And my grumpiness is compounded this morning by the Bravo interns, who posted 23 pictures from this episode, and ten of those were of the chefs sitting around the stew room. None of Bourdain and Justo Thomas running the quickfire. None of the actual restaurant time. None of the diners. None of Fabio and Tiffany doing their Front of House thing. You won’t see any of that, poppets. Blame the Bravo interns. I do.

Anyway. Marcel. You’re out, man, and from all appearances you pretty much deserved it. You were not a good leader, and that fact was compounded by the fact that you selected a team that did not want to be led. And you made two shitty dishes, which both apparently involved foam. And you’re kind of a douche.

You still didn’t deserve to have your competitors in Season Two hold you down and try to shave your head. But let's start the show.

For this opening, we’re not in the stew room – we’re in bed with the contestants. Part of me wishes they’d stop fucking with the opening as they’d destroyed and now seem to be returning to my “Morning! Top Chef apartment” model of beginning my recaps. Another part of me is not going to object because the first thing we see is a ray of morning sunshine hitting Tre’s muscled shoulder.

Anyway. Carla is waking up proud of herself, but bummed that there are only 3 female chefs left. Blais is looking forward to individual challenges because he didn’t like ending up on the bottom team last time.

No one wants to move in with Antonia because all of her roommates have gotten kicked off. She’s also axing teammates again this time just like she did in Season 4. We see a “Black Hammer” retrospective with all of Antonia’s teammates for two seasons getting kicked off. Antonia says it’s a coincidence, but Dale insists “it’s not a legend or anything, it’s true.” And he’s been in two seasons with her now, so let’s take his word for it.

Credits!

The Cheftestants head out to Le Bernardin, where Bourdain greets them with their challenge. Bourdain explains that Justo Thomas, who is the fish butcher at Le Bernardin (and who Bourdain apparently discusses at length in Medium Raw, if he doesn’t mind mentioning it himself), butchers between 700 and 1000 lbs of fish every morning. When he goes on vacation it takes 3 sous chefs to do what he does.



I shall now call him "the mysterious Justo Thomas" since he has pretty much nill by way of a web presence.

They head to the kitchen and meet the mysterious Justo Thomas, who demonstrates his mad fish butchering skillz for them.

“I think we know what comes next,” Bourdain says. Quickfire! The chefs each have to butcher one cod and one fluke into Le Bernardin quality portions “or as close as you can get.” Justo can do this in 8 minutes. The chefs get a luxurious. .. 10.

Fish flurry! Marcel explains how the first time he butchered a fish, he had a crazy allergic reaction, but he kept going and eventually it stopped. Fabio cuts through his thumbnail, but tells us “I’m not Jamie,” and he’s not going home for a finger cut. Now I’m starting to feel a little bad for Jamie – they can’t stop ragging on her even after she’s been eliminated.

Time! Justo goes down the line reviewing their fish cuts. Bourdain announces that the bottom four are Fabio, Carla, Tiffany, and Antonia. Tiffany is embarrassed to have done so badly because she is the chef at a seafood restaurant. The top group are Dale, Richard, Mike, and Marcel. One of them will get immunity .. but first they have 45 minutes to make a delicious dish using the heads, racks, wings, and collars of the fish they just broke down.

Fish flurry TWO! There’s a chinois issue between Marcel and Mike – Mike asks Marcel where they are and Marcel says “back there” and won’t be any more specific and won’t share the one he’s already brought out once Mike can’t find them. . .it’s really immature and tiresome. They could've cut this and saved a chunk of the 15 minutes they tacked onto the episode. Dale tells us his family was doing “nose to tail cooking before it was even cool.” He’s making two dishes, which he acknowledges is a risk but he hopes it’ll pay off.

Mike is slow cooking the fish skull, and insists he’s worried about Dale and Richard, not Marcel. That’s the kind of statement that makes me want to see Marcel beat Mike, just in this one challenge. Richard tells us his first job was at a restaurant called “McDonalds – maybe you’ve heard of it” where he was the seafood chef – a very prestigious job since they only have the one dish. Hee. It was a much needed moment of levity in this 75 minute slog of boring, and for that, Blais, I salute you.

Time. Bourdain and the mysterious Justo begin tasting with Richard’s Schnitzel of Cod Belly, Ragout of Braised Collar and Fried Skin. Mike has made Pan Roasted Belly, Confit Cheeks, Charred Collar with Crisped Up Bread Crumbs and Tomato Sauce. Dale’s dishes are Fluke Back Fin Sashimi with Cucumber and Fluke Liver Sauce and a Bacon Dashi with Salt Roasted Cod Collar. Finally, Marcel’s contribution is Cod Mousseline, Yuzu Chili Oil with Fluke Broth. Bourdain sends them up to join their colleagues while he and Justo discuss the outcome.

Mike is just hoping that Marcel doesn’t win immunity.

Bourdain and Justo enter the dining room for a review. Richard made the most of his ingredients. Mike’s was light and vibrant. Marcel’s was tasty, but texturally monochromatic. Dale highlighted the variety. And the winner is. . .Dale! Yay! He feels great about winning immunity, but vows not to sit there and slack off. Bourdain tells them to go back to the Top Chef kitchen so Padma can tell them about their next challenge. Commercial.

Back. The chefs arrive at the Top Chef kitchen where Padma and Ludo Lefebvre wait for them. Ugh. Ludo. Apparently he just finished LudoBites 5.0, a pop-up restaurant in Los Angeles. Which is fitting, since their Elimination challenge is. . .Restaurant Wars!

We see a restaurant wars montage – Fabio doing front of house, Dale and Tre both getting sent home during their seasons, Angelo and Tiffany discussing a dish what seems like ten years ago now but was really only a matter of months in the past.

The chefs will have 24 hours to create a pop-up restaurant. Since he won the quickfire, Dale gets to be captain of one team and to choose the captain of the other. He chooses Marcel “to be as far away from him as possible.”

They choose up teams playground style. Marcel chooses Angelo; Dale takes Blais. Marcel picks Mike; Dale takes Tre. Marcel takes Antonia; Dale takes Fabio, thereby securing himself the only competitor with proven Front-of-House skills. Finally, Marcel takes Tiffany, leaving Dale with Carla. Poor Carla. You’d think with her record so far, she’d get a little more respect than being left behind like the kid with glasses and a limp.

The teams split off. Padma tells them that they’ll be opening their restaurants at the Foundry, and for the first time the diners, not the judges, will choose who wins.

The teams move to opposite sides of the room and deliberate. Marcel tells us that Restaurant Wars is “about assembling a motherfucking team.” Tiffany ends up doing front-of-house on their team, reluctantly. There’s all sorts of tension on that team and a lot of yelling, most of it because, as Mike says, “Marcel wants to do the right thing” but doesn’t know how to talk to people.

On team Dale, Fabio is doing front of house, of course. He gloats that “Dale peek a good team who can run a mara-ton. Marcel peek a team of spreenter.” Then he giggles that Marcel is “going down,” which makes me utterly nervous. I don’t like people showing this much confidence before the second commercial break.

Back at the apartment, they continue planning. Dale’s team has a Bodega theme. Carla loves the whimsical approach, but hopes it’s not too out there for the diners. Blais says something about caviar dipped in ranch dressing. I’m forced to wonder if it’s not against the Geneva convention to do something that awful to caviar – Ranch Dressing is like the fucking bane of my existence.

Team Marcel is debating names. Marcel likes “Medi,” as short for Mediterranean, but no one else does. Commercial.

Back. The chefs head out to the Foundry and see their . . .outdoor kitchen and restaurant space. They have 5 hours to prep. Marcel is worried about motivating his team since it’s full of strong personalities. Blais runs through Team Bodega’s menu, which sounds delightfully faux-tacky. Antonia reviews the other team’s plan, which sounds like standard Mediterranean fusion fare. She’s excited for the diners to vote.

Tom thru! Marcel tells him about their “reverse amuse” – a little sweet treat at the end – and how they’ve divided up the responsibilities. Then he kind of blows Tom off to work. Tom talks about how Marcel’s energy works for some people but not others. After a quick visit to Team Bodega, Tom doesn’t quite understand their menu.

He tells the chefs they have an hour left to cook. There’ll be one winner, and that winner will get $10,000.

Fabio kicks into gear setting up the space and directing his servers. Forty seven minutes! Marcel tries to give Tiffany instructions on how to peel an egg. She’s freaking out a little because Fabio is already at front of house, and she’s not out there yet. Also because she’s a trained chef and some asshole with a ridiculous haircut is trying to teach her how to peel an egg.

Marcel isn’t impressed with Tiffany’s egg, so they have to revise the dish. She ends up having to leave Angelo in charge of it (which you might as well underscore with a “dum dum DUMMMMMM!” given all we’ve heard about Angelo interfering with other people’s dishes) to go to the dining room. Marcel has apparently made a foam despite having promised not to. Antonia is annoyed with everyone’s arguing.

Over on Team Bodega, they have a much quieter dynamic. Blais thinks it might be “too quiet” and worries that this is the calm before the storm. We get Western music playing underneath to underscore the feeling of quiet trepidation.

Time ticks down and the diners begin to enter. Dana Cowin turns up at Marcel’s team’s restaurant, which I still haven’t learned the name of. Tiffany realizes that in addition to the diners being the judges and the judges also being among the diners, now there are VIP’s to worry about.

Blais reviews the process with the diners judging – apparently they’ll all eat at both restaurants. Seriously…I need to get on some sort of list so I can hear about these things in advance and turn up in New York at the right time. I would’ve killed – KILLED – to be there. Not just being part of Restaurant Wars, but to eat at BOTH restaurants? Yes, please.

Dale is short with the servers, which pisses Fabio off. Antonia thinks the other team is nervous because they’re serving inelegant things like “tuna out of the can” and her team is serving “elevated food.” And then some plates get sent back to the “elevated food” team. HA. Jerks. Dana Cowin’s table particularly hates everything. HA-HA. Jerks. Commercial.

Back! The diners seem to have switched positions, because now Dana Cowin and her group are being charmed by Fabio. They immediately say that Bodega is “a big improvement conceptually.” And we finally see the judges, who turn up at Bodega first and order “two of everything.” They open with Richard's Bag of Potato Chips with Fried Herbs and Sea Salt a cute way to introduce the Bodega theme.


Carla feels like they started out a little rocky, but are now running like a well oiled machine.

The judges get the first course: Richard’s Raw Tuna Belly and Fried Chicken Skin with Chilies and Lime artfully served in a cute little can, and Dale’s Bacon, Egg, and Cheese with Homemade Focaccia. Some diners think the egg dish is too easy, but others think it’s divine. Ludo loves the tuna, but a diner doesn’t see the point of putting it in the can. Um, moron. Because it’s fucking tuna and the theme of this restaurant is an elevated take on Bodega style kitsch. They’re riffing. Get a clue. Tom is impressed with Fabio’s handling of front of house.

The second course comes out: Richard’s Chicken Fried Codfish, Brussels Kraut and Ginger Beer. I love the idea of the Brussels Kraut – Brussels Sprouts are my current favorite vegetable. They’re also served Tre’s Pork Shoulder with Grits, Cheddar Cheese, Green Chilies, Corona and Lime Sauce. Oh. Yum. New kitchen goal – Corona and Lime sauce before summer. Padma loves Tre’s pork shoulder, and the diners are impressed with the Corona sauce. I would be too. Tom says there’s a lot going on with Richard’s dish, but it all works.

Dessert time! They’re treated to Fabio’s Amaretto Cake with Candied Lemon Peel and Cappuccino Mousse and Carla’s Blueberry Pie with Dry Ice Cream. Bourdain loves Fabio’s dessert. Ludo says Carla’s pie is not something he’d wake up every night to eat.

The judges wander over to the other restaurant, which is apparently called “Etch.” First I’m hearing about it. The judges end up waiting by the stand for a bit until a server seats them. Tiffany comes over and Padma gives there typical order of two of everything.

Marcel asks Mike to talk to him more in the kitchen. Ludo gripes that Etch is not organized at all and Padma thinks that Tiffany thinks that working front of house is “just schmoozing.”

The first course is Tiffany’s Frisée and Shaved Asparagus Salad with Egg and Chorizo and Angelo’s Crudo of Fluke, Grapes, Peppercorn Vinaigrette and Lemon Zest. Ok, I really need Angelo to stop with the fucking crudo already. Bourdain says Tiffany’s salad needs some salt and smoke, but the diners like that it’s creamy and crunchy at the same time. Tom says that Angelo’s fish is not the star of his crudo.

Tiffany relays a diner’s complaint about a cold plate to Marcel and Mike, and they start arguing about how to keep plates warm for the judges. Mike tells Marcel not to fucking talk to him like that. Angelo interviews that if it were his restaurant, he’d send Mike home for talking to the captain that way.

The second course at Etch consists of Roasted Monkfish with Kalamata Olives, Peperonata, and Parsley by Marcel and Braised Pork Belly, Octopus with White Beans by Mike. The judges think the monkfish is mushy, and Bourdain calls it baby food, but the diners like it. Tom likes the combination in Mike’s dish. I think I would too – it’s like a nice little mélange of some of my favorite things.

Back in the kitchen, Marcel and Mike continue bickering while Angelo tries to mediate. It’s a total waste of time, both for Angelo trying to calm the situation and for the audience having to watch it.

Their third course is Antonia’s Ricotta Gnudi, Oxtail Sauce, Arugula and Lemon Zest, and Angelo and Mike’s Slow Cooked Lamp Chop, Cauliflower Puree, Turmeric, and Honey. Oh yes. That's the official, Bravo designated name of the dish. Lamp chop. Does not sound like it would taste good. Padma says the gnudi are way too salty for her, but Bourdain thinks they’re perfect, and one of the diners calls it the best dish of the night. They all seem to like Mike and Angelo’s lamb (lamp) dish.

We see another conflict in the kitchen with Marcel not letting Antonia expedite. The judges get dessert – Marcel’s steaming Duo of Peaches: Unripened Peach and Sweet Peach with Coconut Foam and Powder. A diner calls it “all presentation” and Bourdain says it’s a “perfect storm of fuckin’ awfulness.”

The diners start ranking. We see one positive for each just to throw us off balance. At this point, though, there doesn’t seem to be much point. I know, I know – there’s a tradition of the editing showing the team that ultimately wins floundering badly just to shock the audience at the close, but Etch floundered SO badly on SO many things that them winning would be inconceivable.

Anyway, Fabio is confident, which makes Blais nervous since Fabio was confident during the last challenge, and they ended up on the bottom. Marcel tries to tell his team that they did a great job, but Antonia refuses to “ignore the fucking shit show we just put on out there” and play along.

We cut to the stew room. Everyone compliments Fabio’s work at the Front of the House. Marcel tries to joke about his team being “in the juice,” but no one else laughs. Padma calls back team Etch. Team Bodega is understandably stunned and worried because. . .you know. 99.99999% of the time in the history of this show, that’s meant they’re the winners. I have a hunch this is going to be one of the times they’ve pulled a switcheroo on us, though. Commercial.

Fakeback. Dale reflects on getting sent home for “the service that would never end” during Restaurant Wars in his season. Fabio, of course, loves Restaurant Wars because it gives him the chance to bust out the charm.

Back. Judges’ Table. Etch strides in confidently. Padma tells them that the diners picked them as their LEAST favorite – only 17 out of 76 diners favored them. OUCH.

Marcel says there were bumps in the road with last minute tweaks to dishes and problems with pick ups. Antonia says there was a lack of calmness and a lack of togetherness and Angelo says someone should’ve organized the kitchen. Tom asks who should’ve done that, and no one will answer.

Tom asks Angelo how his dish was Mediterranean. “Pink peppercorns, you find in the South of france,” Angelo stammers. “Not really,” Ludo tells him, and adds that his dish was “too complicate.” I enjoy Ludo so much more in small doses as a judge than I do in large, swearing, egomaniacal handfuls as a contestant.

Tom wishes Mike’s pork belly had gotten a little more flavor, and Bourdain wishes for a little more char on the octopus. Antonia gets smacked with the “too salty” criticism of her gnudi.

Then they turn to Marcel. “Why foam? Why now?” Bourdain says in a plaintive voice. His voice holds all the sadness of the world – Bourdain asks the question we all want to know the answer to. Why foam, Marcel? Why now?

Marcel replies that he wanted to reinforce that parsley flavor to cut through the roasted peppers. Tom says it wasn’t the best way to get the parsley flavor in the dish, and Ludo says the dish was mushy. No one liked the dessert, and Bourdain calls it “a thumb in the eye at the end of the meal.”

Tiffany is told that her asparagus had no flavor, and then they start in on her front of the house. Tiffany blames the service in front on the arguments on the line in back. It’s very slick, because not only does it divert attention from her total failure as a host and the fact that you could hear nothing half the night but her forced cackle over the diners conversation, but it also forces Marcel and Mike to rehash their argument and she gets to stand between the two of them saying “let’s not go there, let’s not go there.” But then Marcel calls her out on telling her not to put the asparagus in water, and adds “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make ‘em drink.”

Antonia hops in. “With that being said, Marcel is our team captain. He needed to step up and he needed to say this is what we are doing. There was none of that.”

Marcel says no one listened to him. Angelo says he’s embarrassed to be there because they acted like children. Padma tells them to send back the other team.

Marcel says “I think it’s no surprise that you guys are on the top. Blais, you can stop worrying.”

Team Bodega heads in to the Judges’ table. Padma tells them they were the best of the night, and Tom adds that they killed it.

Bourdain says that Blais’ potato chips in the bag were the perfect note at the beginning of the meal, and Carla graciously says that Richard helped everyone elevate their dishes. Tom says Fabio’s service and dessert were fantastic. Bourdain thinks that Dale’s egg dish was “stoner food at its finest,” and means that as a compliment. Tre’s dish was “just delicious” and Carla’s dish “worked perfectly with the others.”

And the winner is. .. Richard! Yay!! He’s surprised because usually the executive chef wins. He gets $10,000, which is a relief since an hour ago he thought he was going home.

The judges turn to their deliberation. “Let me count the ways that this team screwed up” Bourdain says of Etch.

Antonia’s dish was too salty. Marcel’s dessert was terrible and he was a bad manager. Mike’s dish was disappointing. Angelo’s crudo was boring, and Bourdain thinks he kept his head down to stay out of the line of fire. Tiffany’s service was not good and her asparagus had no flavor.

Bourdain says that it was “every cook out for themselves,” and that “Prison Breaks are organized with more efficiency and teamwork.” They think they have an answer. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them once more that they failed miserably at their tasks, and runs through the same criticisms we’ve just heard of the dishes.

Padma tells. . .Marcel to pack his knives and go. He points out that it’s the first time he’s heard those words, and he hoped he never would. Oh, dick. You’re not the only one in this contest who can make that claim. He’s shocked that he’s going out this early, and insists that “the only mistake I made was picking the wrong team.” That and your food sucking, dude. Then he tells us how likeable he is, which is always convincing, and says this won’t be the last time we see him.


It occurs to me – if not for the first time ever then definitely for the first time this season – that Marcel is lucky to have come of age during the era of reality TV. Because everything about him is just made for it. He is the living embodiment of every clichéd reality TV statement, from his hair to his freestyle rapping to being one of the original pack of folks who weren’t there to make friends, to going out and telling us it won’t be the last we see of him. Marcel is like his own living, breathing, fourfour supercut.

Next: These guys are walking een an it look like Godfather movie scene. Oh my gosh are you kidding me? Fabio always looks like he’s never going to make it. And the DVR cuts out because I'm watching on .

The Fashion Show Express Lane Recaplet: Elements of Style

I was thinking about an introduction to this post, and there are three things I came up with:

Number one: that was the most bog-standard last episode before a finale I’ve ever seen.

Number two: that was the most predictable outcome they could’ve decided on.

Number three: I was thinking about how I’ve probably never been so apathetic to an entire group of finalists before, and then I realized that for the most part, I’ve been largely apathetic to the entire field of designers they’ve had on. There were some individual looks throughout the show that stood out, but no one’s had an identifiable signature aesthetic that I absolutely loved or absolutely loathed. Calvin is a douche, yes, but he’s such a cartoon about it that it’s hard to get het up about. Jeffery is. . .young, and Dominique is young and slightly insufferable.

So I don’t really give a shit who wins next week, and very little actually went on in this episode that you couldn’t see coming from a mile away. So let’s just go –Express Lane….hit it.

(I would, before we really get going, like to point out that the final four designers are the last designers shown in the credits. Total coincidence or Bravo giveaway?)

1. In one of the designers’ apartments, Jeffery and Dominique complain about Eduardo being gone instead of Calvin. In the other apartment, Calvin says Eduardo was a good dressmaker but a one-dimensional designer. They all head off to meet Iman on some Pier – either 52 or 62. Does it matter?

2. Iman tells them that this will be their last challenge as houses. She points out that Nami has 8 wins and Emerald only has 2. This is an absolutely meaningless statistic given the amount of team switching up that’s gone on. Dominique can be proud because (I think) she’s been on Nami the whole time, but everyone else has moved back and forth – Cesar was with Emerald for both of its wins and Nami for 2 of them; Calvin was with Emerald for its first two losses and has had little to do with Nami’s success since.

Anyway, the challenge is that they have to make a collection based on the elements, which Iman tells us are water, earth, air, and wind. What about fire, Iman? What about fire? And I spent a minute thinking that Project Runway had done this exact challenge, but then I realized it was Top Chef.

ANYWAY. They have to make three looks per designer, and the winning team not only moves on to the finale, but they each get a Ford Edge (aka the product placement vehicle I’ve never paid attention to).

3. They go on a boat ride for inspiration. Cesar and Jeffery choose a standard air/water palette of seafoam and blues, while Calvin and Dominique go with the colors that represent the elements in ancient Chinese culture – camels, blacks, and whites. Right away this is enough of a "concept" that you know they’re going to win unless they utterly shit the bed, which, with Dominique letting Calvin take the lead, is always a possibility.

4. We then get about 40 minutes of a very standard penultimate episode. There’s a lot of banal discussion about the various journey’s they’ve been on, and a lot of overconfidence. Cesar feels like his late partner Seth is with him, and Calvin karate kicks the air a lot and calls people retarded.

5. So let’s cut right to the fashion show! House of Emerald presents first, opening with Jeffery’s looks. His first is what looks like a long slate blue dress (we will later learn it’s a sarong skirt) with a zip-up white jersey over it. The only thing interesting about it is that it’s got a sheer panel in the back. Next he’s made a really interesting grey and black gown that’s meant to represent the rocks under the water. I really like it. Then there’s a very nineteen-teens looking seafoam green bilayer goddess/tunic type dress. I like this one too, but since I'm currently getting my Sunday night costume porn fix courtesy of Downton Abbey, that probably explains at least part of my appeal.

Cesar’s three looks follow, beginning with a short purple-blue dress with a giant puffy jacket. The dress is kind of ugly, and the proportions are janked. Next there’s a very standard looking one shouldered greenish goddess dress, and finally a gown in shades of blue.

House of Nami is next, and before commenting on the clothes, I have to say their show is brilliantly staged. It’s a little funereal at first with everyone trudging through snow with the white Kabuki makeup, but the impact it builds to with the wind and Calvin’s final dress is amazing.

Anyway, they begin with Dominique’s looks. The first one is a white toga with a beige Jesus coat over it. It’s. . .very Jesusy looking. I can’t get past that. Jesus is many thing, darlings, but he’s not chic. Then there are some camel colored shorts and a giant white poncho. Hate it. Finaly there’s a really interesting black gown with a structural hood/wave going over the head.

Calvin’s looks finish the night, beginning with a weird camel colored suit thing that’s padded out to look like the model’s pregnant. Then there’s a camel cloak thing over a black dress, which is fine, but just looks sort of lumpy and unfinished to me. It's less like a dress than like when I wrap myself in one of the blankets from the couch. Finally there’s a floaty white cocktail dress, which closes the show beautifully when the model stands at the back of the runway, hit with a spotlight and a wind machine and letting the different tiers blow backward.

6. We get a short fakeback scene of Isaac making references that designers don’t get. They’re “crazy” references to things like Schiaparelli and Zola and Cecil Beaton. I think the intent is to make Isaac look really smart and like he’s just a font of eclectic knowledge, but really it just makes the designers look like morons. What kind of designer doesn’t know who Schiaparelli is?

7. Judging time! The guest judges are Glenda Bailey from Harper’s Bazaar and Gilles Mendel from J. Mendel.

8. Isaac and Iman tell them that both teams did “great.” They begin critique with Emerald. Isaac says the show was fluid throughout, but he doesn’t want the white jacket to be there.

They love Cesar’s goddess dress, but they don’t care for the dress with the jacket (left, without jacket), saying the fabric didn’t work with the collection. Iman cites it as an example of how “the single dress can destroy the collection.”

They love Jeffery’s grey dress (right), though there’s some deliberation about the leggings it’s paired with. They don’t care for the white jacket look. Iman says it’s just pieces of things put together that don’t make any sense, and when they learn the dress is a sarong skirt, they point out that he’s covered up the most interesting part of it.

9. Moving to Nami, they love Dominique’s shorts look (right, below) for some reason, though Gilles Mendel points out that it’s badly finished. Isaac likes the experimental nature and Glenda Bailey thinks it’s “right right now.” They don’t care for the Jesus dress, though, calling it “too droopy.”

They think Calvin’s camel coat with the black dress (left, below) is very fashion forward, and Iman can see “a lot of young girls” wearing it.

This is where I have to pause and bang my head against the wall for awhile. Really Iman? Really? You can see a lot of young girls wearing an outfit that looks like they left the house swathed in two layers of blankets? You must know some different young girls than I do.

They don’t care for the pregnant look, though, with Isaac saying “it doesn’t look pregnant, it looks malignant,” and Glenda Bailey calling it “an ad for back pain medication.” HAH. Isaac then gives the ultimate burn, saying he doesn’t even “like it enough to hate it.”

10. Anyway, Nami is the winning house. They each get a car and freak out a lot


11. In one final twist, Cesar and Jeffery are each given 45 minutes to revise their weakest look. We get a very brief fashion flurry.

12. Cesar cuts the bottom off of his cocktail dress and turns the top into a twisty tank, pairing it with a slender sarong skirt. Jeffery loses the white jacket from his look and makes a grey shirt with a very deep v-neck to go with it.

13. Iman tells Cesar that he’s an “incredible technician” who can make anything beautifully, and Jeffery that he’s given them some gorgeous original looks.

14. The judges are told to write the name of the designer they want to stay. The first designer to get three votes will stay. Iman reads the first three votes, and they’re all for Jeffery. So he stays and Cesar is out of fashion.

15. Cesar doesn’t think he should be going home, but he’ll be proud of either Dominique or Jeffery winning.

So that's it, my limpets. Next week we check out of this season of The Fashion Show for good. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will care?

Top Chef All Stars: Something's Fishy

Big Red, Top Scallop
Tiffani: good game, good growth
Jamie: about damn time.

So let’s get this out there first thing: Ladies? WHAT IS UP WITH YOU?
We have had six episodes and eight eliminations (because of the two doubles). And FIVE of those ousters have been women.

And it’s tough to take on some levels, not just for lame girl-power type reasons, or because it’s reaffirming the shitty record women have in the series over all (one female winner out of seven seasons; only one season with more than one woman in the finale), but because it’s hard to believe this represents their skill level overall. I have a hard time believing Mike, for example, is a better chef overall than Jennifer and Casey.

Which I guess can be seen as a positive since it reaffirms the show’s stance that they judge on each challenge individually, not on the overall performance. But then that raises another question – are these ladies just bad at handling the pressure of the challenges? And why were they so much better at it during their original seasons?

Anyway.

To the individual ousters: you know, in a way, the less said the better. For Tiffani, I can’t put it any better than she did – she came to have a different experience than she did in Season One, to enjoy the game more, and to show the world that she’s a different person. And she did. I despised her during her season. She was so nasty to so many people with what seemed like so little provocation. And this time she seemed entirely different -- more positive, more supportive, funnier (I’m also bummed that there are no Season 1 chefs left in the competition – I always want the O.G. seasons to come in and teach the new kids a few things).

In a big way, the first half (is this half?) of this season has been about a redemption arc for Tiffani. And on some level – and maybe I just think this because she and I are the same age – it’s about the growth that goes on between your late twenties and your…erm…early to mid-ish thirties. She seemed much more relaxed, much more comfortable in her own skin, and legitimately confident whereas in Season One it seemed like she was being cocky as a defense mechanism.

Tell me I’m not the only woman who can relate to that kind of growth in that particular 5 year period. Show of hands, ladies, and be honest.

Jamie, on the other hand. I don’t know if she got a charitable edit in her season (or, conversely, an uncharitable edit in this one) or I was just blinded by the fact that she’s a dead ringer for one of my best friends. But I went from seriously pulling for her in Season 5 to being disgusted by what a sour little underperforming lump she was in this one. I’m glad she’s gone – if nothing else it will mean a welcome end to the “Jamie doesn’t cook” and “Jamie skates by again” storylines that have dominated the season so far.

Let’s do this thing.

Once again, we pick up where we’d previously left off – everyone in the stew room, mystified that Jamie’s still there. Jamie says she feels bad “but at the same time it’s like, whatever.” Yes, of course. That’s exactly the attitude you want to have when hundreds of thousands of dollars are at stake. “It’s like, whatever.” Antonia hates Jamie’s attitude. On another note, Marcel claims Dale only made 8 plates for the judges and didn’t do anything else.

They go back to the apartment and Marcel continues ranting about the challenge, apparently while drinking straight out of a bottle of Bombay Sapphire. It’s a profanity laden rant from Marcel, who seems to be turning into anger boy – they must be amping up his negative screen time to slide him back toward the “villain” character now that we won’t have Jamie to loathe anymore. Fortunately, Dale tells us, he’s taken anger management, and just walks away. Tre succinctly sums up what the viewing public is thinking: “I definitely have noticed throughout the weeks that we’ve been here that Marcel is kind of an asshole.”

Credits!

4:30 AM. An alarm starts going off in Tiffani and Antonia’s room. Carla makes some eggs.

They find an abandoned quickfire kitchen with a “Gone Fishin” sign and a note to the chefs telling them to meet Tom and Padma in Montauk. From these clues, they’re pretty much convinced that they’re going to be fishing for this challenge. They are a pack of smarties, these cheftestants. Tiffani is excited. They jump in the product placement vehicles and drive off to Lawnguysland.

On arrival, they get to a lighthouse where Tom and Padma greet them. They’re going fishing! And we’re right into the elimination challenge – no quickfire. The challenge is that they have 5 hours to catch as many fish as they can and cook it on the beach for 200 people. They’ll work in 4 teams of three.

They draw numbered plastic fish out of a net to determine their teams. Team 1 is Tre, Dale and Carla. We shall now call them “the team I will be rooting for.” Team 2 is Blais, Fabio and Marcel. Team 3 is Antonia, Jamie and Tiffani. Antonia is not thrilled since it was a fiasco the last time they worked together. Finally, there’s Team 4: Angelo, Tiffany and Mike.

Tom tells them that it’s a double elimination. “Two of you will be going home” he clarifies. Thanks, Tom. I would never have understood what “double elimination” meant without that handy explanation. And twelve years of reality TV viewing. And the ability to speak English.

The chefs head out on two boats – even numbered teams on one and odd on the other. Angelo tells us that he hates the water because he was traumatized by watching Jaws. “The shark’s scent is up to average of two miles. I mean, even the smallest droplet of blood.”

I am now convinced that Angelo was one of those dorky kids who used to try to impress you with his knowledge of sharks when you were on the class trip to Sea World. “Did you know that a shark’s penis is called a clasper?” That’s Angelo.

Blais is reassured because Fabio seems to know a lot about fishing.

As the odd numbered teams board the Sea Wife IV, Dale plans to “kill it” in this challenge to make his father proud, since his father’s an angler. We see a cute picture of little Dale and his shirtless dad. Dale catches something within 5 minutes, and tells us “I give that up to my old man, right there.”

One hour at sea. The crew of the Susie E 2 -- the even numbered teams -- seems to be striking out. Over on the other boat, Antonia catches a fish – the first for her team. Meanwhile, Dale Carla and Tre’s team is HAULING them in.

2 Hours at sea. Susie E 2 still seems fishless. The ships pass and get an update on each other’s status, which seems to dispirit Susie E 2 even more. “If you don’t catch fresh fish in this challenge, you might as well pack your knives and go home right now,” Marcel tells us. Commercial.

Back! Two hours remain in their time at sea. Fabio and Mike finally get bites on their lines, and pull in some fairly sizeable looking fish. They develop a weird technique where one person braces the rod and another cranks it. This leads to some innuendo. “I’m kind of sitting in Marcel’s lap, holding his rod,” Blais giggles. The Sea Wife IV teams continue to have luck – Dale hauls in a striped bash that he describes as being the size of a dragon.

The boats head back to shore and start menu planning. Team 2 decides to go with one dish and try to make it really strong. Fabio thinks if they’re on the bottom, it’ll be really hard for the judges to send home. “Like psyco-lo-hical warfare.”

Shopping! They head to a farmer’s market with 30 minutes and $150. Antonia comments on the new “bromance” between Blais and Fabio. “They’re like the Odd Couple,” she tells us, “It’s like the Professor and. . .the strange Italian immigrant.”

Carla worries about having caught 2 bluefish, because she doesn’t want to be eliminated for cooking a fish that’s thought of as trashy. Jamie is excited about the challenge because the fresh ingredients, right from the sea and the farmer’s market, are just her thing. Tiffani is trying to distance herself from Jamie and her overwhelming stench of failure.

Back at the apartment, Tre talks about missing his wife, who he describes as his best friend and his “sous chef in life.” Aw.

Next day. The chefs head to the beach with 2 hours to cook. Jamie frets about the amount of sand. Antonia is sick of Jamie’s complaining. Tre compares working near Jamie to “having a little baby in the background.” Jamie thinks the team aspect is going to be less important than the individual dishes because everyone is out for themselves.

Carla is breaking down her bluefish and making sure she doesn’t get the bitter bloodline in her lettuce wrap. Team 2 has put Fabio up front because, in Marcel’s words, he’s a “baby kisser.” Blais seems to be second guessing Marcel’s plan to do one dish with seven elements on it. Commercial.

Back. One hour to service. Tom-thru! He asks team 2 about their one dish plan, wondering if they think they’re at a disadvantage because there’s nothing to fall back on if it doesn’t work. Team 4 gabs about the great experience of going from the boat to the market. He quizzes Dale about whether he made his own tortillas – Dale didn’t. Tiffani defends bluefish to him, saying it’s actually “a really lovely fish.”

47 minutes! Blais gives Fabio a series of fast paced orders. Fabio reacts to this in an interview: “dood. Shod up. You won’ get faster dan if you keep asking.” He also seems to say something about either a “nut attack” or a “knife attack,” but I didn’t catch the whole thing. I’m choosing to believe “nut attack,” FYI. It’s both funnier and less psychopathic.

8 minutes! Blais goes into “overworried mode.” He doesn’t like their succotash, thinking it’s overworked. One minute! Time! And the diners begin to enter, followed shortly by the judges. The judges stop at the bar on the way in. We have Tom, Padma, Gail, and South Gate restaurant’s Kerry Heffernan as the guest judge.

The judges begin with Fabio, Richard, and Marcel’s team. Their dish is Sea Bass, Succatash, Corn Puree, Cherry Tomato Confit, Concord Gastrique and Jamon Air. Next they head for Team 1’s table where they get Dale’s Fish Taco with Bass, Corn and Avocado Relish, Cilantro Crème Fraiche, Radishes and Shaved Cabbage (the elements of that sound good, and I typically HATE fish tacos) Carla’s Smoked Blue Fish with Lettuce Wrap, Pickled Watermelon Rind, Shallots Radish, Bagel Croutons (yum), and Tre’s Striped Sea Bass with Gazpacho Salad and Tomato Water.

The judges sit down to eat. Gail thinks the beans in team 2’s dish are overcooked, and Padma thinks the foam is unnecessary. Kerry thinks “foam on the beach” sounds like the name of a cocktail.

Kerry enjoys Dale’s taco, and Gail compliments the smoke on Carla’s bluefish. Tre’s Sea Bass Gazpacho also gets high marks.

Jamie starts searing fish, and the skin starts sticking to the pan. The judges head over to her team’s table, and start the sampling with her Striped Bass, Watermelon Salad with Fresh Dill, Shaved Radish, Red Onion, and Cucumber Water. Tiffani has made Smoked Blue Fish with Tomato, Roasted Corn and Zucchini Ribbon Salad. Antonia’s dish is a Open-Faced Porgie Po Boy with Old Bay Mayo and Cabbage Slaw. Damn, that sounds good. At Team 4’s table, the judges are served Pickled Blue Fish, Spicy Watermelon, Shallots, Red Chilies, Confit Potato and Dill and Striped Bass with Corn Puree, Tomato, Aleppo Spice Rub, and Watermelon by Tiffany, Angelo and Mike.

Padma likes the fish in Team 4’s pickled blue fish, but a random diner finds the potatoes heavy. Gail thinks the flavors in their bass dish compete too much.

Gail digs into Jamie’s fish, which Tom finds underseasoned. Kerry thinks the cucumber water is redundant. Kerry applauds Antonia’s bravery in using the porgie. Tiffani’s bluefish needs acidity according to the judges.

After the judges chat with the diners and Mike tries to set a blushing, giggling, creepy Angelo up with a pretty girl (again -- awkward kid), the judges reconvene to discuss the food. Tom thinks that they did a great job because “when you kill it, you have respect for it.”

Oh my God, folks, it’s the return of Tom’s Native Self. Struts With Big Cleaver is on the move again. Honor the proteins, or Tom will fish no more forever.

Anyway. Coming out of the trance state his Spirit-Fish led him into, Tom says he has a least favorite, but the second ouster will be a tough choice. Commercial.

I just want this on record: my cat gives a disgusted little snort every time the minivan commercial where the square parents sing “Angel of the Morning” comes on. Also, I used to think the lyrics were “just wipe my teeth before you leave.” Make of both those facts what you will.

Fakeback. We’re on a boat! And we hear about Mike Isabella’s gas, and what sorts of fish different cheftestants would be. Angelo, in Dale’s estimation, would be a mermaid.

Back! Stew room! Everyone smells like fish. Blais is overanalyzing. Padma calls back Dale, Carla, Tre, Tiffany, Mike and Angelo. Marcel tries to bluff that when they call somebody first it doesn’t mean they’re on the top. Antonia is more realistic.

And the teams that were called back are on the top. The winner gets a trip to Amsterdam.

Mike goes through the breakdown of responsibilities on their team. Gail tells them the fish was cooked perfectly. Then she moves to the other team, telling Dale everyone raved about his taco. She compliments the innovation in Carla’s dish.

And the winner is. . .Carla! Yay! She gets a 6 night trip to Amsterday and $5000 for airfare. Nice.

The chefs return to the kitchen, where Carla does a dance. “Sorry if I’m not super ecstatic right now because that means we’re on the bottom,” Marcel says snootily. Carla then feels bad, after they leave, about not suppressing her excitement better.

Ok. I’ll agree that her excitement was a bit more emotion than most of the cheftestants show after a win, but Marcel? She wasn’t doing it to be spiteful. Don’t be a dick.

The other two teams head to Judges’ Table. They were the least favorites. Marcel says their dish came about organically. Blais says they wanted to do one dish well instead of doing three that were just ok. There’s discussion about the breakdown of responsibilities – who did the succotash, who did the air, who cooked the fish.

Gail says it needed restraint, and Kerry said going for the restaurant quality on the beach hampered the dish. Padma says there was also a textural problem, and Tom says something about how there was an issue with their dish being served in the plastic “fish-fry” type baskets, and they should’ve adjusted when they saw that’s what they had.

Tom tells Antonia that if she hadn’t been on a losing team, she’d be going to Amsterdam because she had his favorite dish. So she’s safe.

Tom asks Jamie what she did with the cucumbers. She apparently blended them with water, which is ridiculous since cucumbers are like 95% water to begin with. Typical lesbian, not respecting the cucumber. Tom then says everything tasted bland. Gail agrees that it seemed washed out.

Moving on, Tom savages Tiffani for leaving the bloodline in the fish. It’s an interesting scene – Kerry starts it off by saying that there were some problems with her butchering and Tom tells him to stop being charitable. It’s particularly notable since many people – myself included – have always seen Tiffani as kind of a favorite of Tom’s. But the minute she dishonors the bluefish, he turns on her.

Gail asks Antonia if she’d tasted Tiffani and Jamie’s dishes. Antonia says she tasted components, then she starts to cry when asked if she thinks she could’ve helped them if she’d tasted the finished dishes. The judges send them off to the stew room, where someone – I think Angelo – is whispering about how they could lose Marcel and Blais in this competition. If it’s someone other than Angelo, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they’d be mad about the injustice of it all. If it’s Angelo, I’m guessing he’d find it a huge plus to knock out two strong competitors at once.

Deliberation. Tom says that the problem with Tiffani’s dish was the way she cleaned it, and Kerry says it was heavy handed all around. Jamie’s was bland, and Tom thinks parts of the dish were “too refined.” Gail thinks she got stuck in her head about the broth, and it watered down the dish.

Padma thinks Fabio, Richard, and Marcel needed someone to talk them back from the edge. They think Blais and Marcel take most of the blame for the dish since they conceived it and Fabio seems to have only been left with the yeoman’s work of doing the cuts. They hated Richard’s gastrique, and wish Marcel would just get over the foams already.

Commercial. The intro to the “Camille gets a phone call. . .that will change her life” ad for the next Real Housewives of Beverly Hills sounds like the opening strains of “Gangsta’s Paradise.”

Back. The bottom groups file in again. Tom tells Antonia she did a great dish, and should’ve given her teammates critical feedback. Tiffani’s dish was heavy handed and very fishy, while Jamie’s was bland and didn’t come together.

Tom didn’t see Fabio in the dish at all, Richard made the horrible concord gastrique, and Marcel thought up the overcomplicated and unnecessary aspects of the dish.

Padma tells. . . Tiffani and Jamie to pack their knives and go. Well, THAT’s a relief. Half a relief, at least.

Tiffani says she came in wanting to have a different experience and enjoy it, and she did. She’s a different person than she was in Season one. Jamie is fine with the fact that the judges didn’t like the dish. She’s bummed that there were two challenges she didn’t cook on, but wouldn’t change a thing.

Really? REALLY??? You . .. I. .. Oh Jesus. Just go away.

To end on a less infuriatingly laconic note, we hear from Tiffani, who tells us she’s going home to the most amazing girlfriend. Aw. Head up, Red. You’ll be ok.


Next: Restaurant Wars! Watch the way you fuckin’ talk to me. Dana Cowin is here tonight. Back the fuck away from me right now. If this was my restaurant, I would just send both of them home, there and then.

The Fashion Show Express Lane Recaplet: We got ruffle. We got hunchback. We got pig.

Happy Wednesday morning, wee birds. How are you all? Did all two of you who watch The Fashion Show enjoy the episode?

I loved the premise – anything that involves vintage accessories is going to get an enthusiastic thumbs up, plus a standing ovation from me.

But in execution. . .let me be honest: I’d just come home from dinner at Birch & Barley, which was delicious but very, very heavy. I was about ready to drop, fighting the nods throughout, and after the first five or ten minutes, the episode didn’t do much to help with that. And neither did the fashions – for all the judges’ enthusing about them, there were very few that I found noteworthy.

Whatever, though. Count up your items and head for the check-out:

1. Calvin does a little mini-workout on the balcony while reflecting on how he’s the only one without a win yet. So right away we know a) he’s not going home tonight, and may even win; and b) Calvin is one of those annoying people who manages to sneak in one of those magazine workouts where you do dips off of a chair and stuff even if a gym is not available.

2. The designers head to New York Vintage. Jeffery takes in all the gorgeous clothes and accessories and immediately says “I want to play dress up right. Now.” Me too, Jeffery. Me too. Then Iman arrives to do the now near ubiquitous shuffling of the teams, switching Jeffery back to team Emerald with Cesar. They’re happy. Dominique is not.

3. Simon Doonan enters. I have mixed feelings about Simon Doonan. I love love LOVE the fictional version of his adolescent self on Beautiful People, and I love the world that show creates, which is based on his memories and his imagination. So I should love him, right? But every time I see actual factual Simon Doonan, judging on Iron Chef America or here or something, I think “oh, him.” Maybe I should read his books to try and resolve that dissonance.

Anyway, since one of his books is titled Eccentric Glamour, this challenge will be about creating eccentric glamour. Simon Doonan will select two accessories for each of them, and their team’s collection must be designed around the accessories.

So he gives Dominique a sequined purse shaped like a pig and a bustle. Eduardo gets a fluffy hat and a silver belt. Calvin is given gloves and a ruff. Caesar gets a flower brooch that I crave (it is so Joan Crawford as Mildred Pierce) and a . . .bird drinking out of a coffee mug, which I guess is attached to some sort of hat or fascinator or something. Jeffery gets some chandelier earrings and a feather capelet.

Then Iman drops the bomb: they have to make two looks. Each. One for each accessory. And the show? Oh, it’s tomorrow.

So we go through the sketching thing and the fabric thing and the idea board thing. And Isaac comes for the Isaac thing.

4. Isaac gives some sound advice, telling Calvin he HAS to win this week because he’s hanging on for dear life. He also tries to talk Cesar out of dying his fabric. Cesar is hard to convince on this matter.

5. We learn that if Calvin wins, he plans to donate all the money to the Gay Men’s Health Crisis because they’ve helped him cope with the impending death of his partner of ten years. They are investing soooo much time in humanizing Calvin this episode. I wish they’d dripped this out by teaspoons over the course of the season instead of pushing it all now. Anyway, he then decides that his dresses are likely to get lost among Eduardo and Dominique’s more eccentric clothes, and he starts over.

6. Dominique is super confident about the pig coat she’s made to go with her pig purse. Calvin sagely points out in an interview that “jus becaw you draw a peeg face on it doesn’t make it a good coat.” Dominique even trots out of the room as they’re leaving “pig coat, pig coat, pig coat.” I would probably punch her in the face.

Then they do the getting to the show thing and the hair and make up thing and the rushing around doing last minute fixes thing, and we get the show.

7. Nami presents first, opening with Dominique’s pig coat. It’s a nice shape in theory, but it’s made of such shitty fabric that the shape can’t possibly hold, and it ends up looking like a sad sack. Calvin’s looks are a simple black asymmetrical dress to go with his gloves and a long black halter dress with a train to go with the ruff. Eduardo’s first look is AMAZING – palazzo pants and this top with giant, face eating ruffles to go with his belt. But for his second, he’s defaulted to his typical short ruffled cocktail dress to go with his hat. We close with Danielle’s final look, an off-white dress that uses the bustle as a cape. I hope it looks better in person, because on TV it is a visual snooze.

Emerald opens their show with Jeffery’s first look: white leggings and a white tunic with the barest hint of colors in a chiffon train at the back to pair with his feathered capelet. Then Cesar’s looks come out: first a white halter wrap dress with a jacket to go with his bird/coffee cup hat. It’s very simple, but I would wear the hell of it. He’s also made a white one/sleeved gown that’s kind of Dynasty to go with his flower pin – it’s a great pairing by itself, even if I’m not personally sold on the dress, but the real kicker is that he’s made this huge muff that looks like a bird’s nest to tie that look into the bird theme of the rest of their pieces. I die. It’s adorable. We close with Jeffery’s final look, a white dress with cut-outs to go with his chandelier earrings.

At the end of both shows, Calvin tells us “I don’t think Emerald did a strong collection at all. Nami much better. We got ruffle. We got hunchback. We got pig.”
8. Iman and Isaac come back to the lounge and tell them this was the strongest show for both teams. I just. . .I don’t know if I see it. There were some good looks, but there were an awful lot of shapeless white sacks too. Ultimately, House of Emerald is the winning house. The individual winner is Jeffery, who will get to choose one accessory from New York Vintage to add to his final collection, and an additional $500 for his final challenge if he makes it to the finale.

9. Nami shuffles out onto the runway, where Iman and Isaac talk about how tough it’s going to be tonight because all the looks are so great. I feel like Michael Bluth looking at Ann. Her? I see “great” in exactly one look here – Eduardo’s pants. The rest of it is Calvin’s usual mediocrity, Eduardo’s usual ruffles, or Dominique’s white sacks.

10. They run through the critique: they’re not sure if Eduardo’s dress meets the challenge, but they think he succeeded with the pants (ding!). Isaac adores the bravery in Dominique’s coat, but he and Iman both think the coat is cheap looking (ding!). Isaac says the dress looks rushed, and almost like a visual joke (ding ding!). They think Calvin’s long dress is rushed and clumsy, but love his cocktail dress for some reason.

11. The designers are sent off during the commercial, and brought back for their scathing Iman critique. Dominique’s “execution was atrocious.” Eduardo’s “cocktail dress was the same thing we’ve seen from you before.” And Calvin’s long dress was “clumsy and overdone.”

12. Calvin, of course, gets to stay. Even he doesn’t quite seem to believe it.

13. Eduardo is out. He’s confused and surprised, and hopes the judges don’t end up regretting the decision.