Top Chef All Stars: a Fishy Situation

The new improved Dale
Showed growth as both man and chef
Must leave for fish stew

In my high school honors Humanities class senior year, we had to watch this movie called Pyramid, which included both live action scenes of the narrator explaining ancient Egypt, and cartoon scenes of life in Egypt. Because in Arizona, that’s an appropriate teaching material for high school seniors in an honors class.

Anyway, there’s a point at which the pharaoh learns his father’s tomb has been looted, and he responds “My father’s tomb? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” with the camera spiraling out away from him, as cameras do when someone in a movie yells “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” And so for the last 16 years, my best friend and I have used that as our go-to melodramatic reaction when things go mildly awry. E.G., if someone takes your assigned parking space at work or your apartment complex, the appropriate reaction is “My parking space? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

And that’s how I felt last night. My Top Chef Dale?



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Like Tiffani, Dale’s experience has been exactly what All Stars should be about – someone who came across really badly during their initial season, and instead of blaming the editing and evading responsibility, they took what they saw on screen and put it toward making themselves better.

They grew up. And that sounds like such a banal thing, but if you look at other multi-term reality TV “characters,” it’s so very rare. Think about the number of Survivors who came back for an All Star or Fans v. Favorites season and play the same way they played the first time out. Think of the Housewives who keep spending and spending season after season even once we’ve seen – on screen and off – them going through foreclosures, evictions, bankruptcies. Think about whatserbutt and steroidface from Jersey Shore, and how they let the same mutually abusive and exploitative relationship play out season after season after season.

Think about some of the Top Chefs who were dickbags on their season and came back and acted like dickbags on this one. There are plenty of dickbags out there who never change their spots.

Dale’s not one of them. Dale grew up. He still has that odd mixture of brash and laconic going on; he’s still stuck on himself (and I’ll say it again: any of these chefs who doesn’t have an ego is flat out doin’ it rong). But he’s not the same yelling, pacing, confrontational, locker punching assface we met a few years back.

He said all that better himself in his parting remarks, though, so I’ll leave that theme for now, and just say: Dale, you’re awesome. You have every reason to be proud of what you’ve done this season, and I hope I get to eat your food some day, because those cookies? Those are the bomb.

Now, to the other side of things.

If you follow Tom’s twitter, you know that he tweeted the following during last night’s East Coast broadcast: “It happens every day you would be amazed if to find out how many chefs steal or borrow from other chefs./ Not cool but menu items cannot be protected under copyright or IP laws”

And that’s absolutely true. And on the one hand, let’s face it: it’s the 21st century. People have been eating for hundreds of thousands of years. There’s a limit to how truly “innovative” any chef can be.

But to me, the real issue with Mike’s being a cheating, dickbag, stealer face comes down not to a question of law, but a question of character. I’d be less bothered by him taking “inspiration” (cough*theentirerecipelockstockanddeepfriedbarreldowntothepresentation*cough) from Richard if:

1) He’d done anything to put his own spin on it at all. Think of the first season Masters challenge where they all had to put their own spin on one of their competitors’ dishes. If he’d put anything about himself into the dish, it would’ve been another thing altogether. But the dish he did was all Richard – it had no trace of Mike’s style at all, making it seem like Mike is a good executor of others’ ideas, not an innovator himself.

2) It wasn’t in these circumstances. They’re in direct competition, and Mike is using Richard’s ideas. It’s an entirely different scenario than if I have a great dish at a restaurant in New York and then go to Chicago and make a similar dish at my restaurant there (though if it’s a direct rip off, I still say it’s a dick move).

3) He hadn’t been such a fucking dick about it. He flatly acknowledges that he took the idea of the dish from Richard, and then he spends the rest of the episode complaining that Richard’s pissed off about it. Go to hell, assface. You don’t like the way people react when you steal their ideas? Here’s a thought: STOP STEALING THEIR IDEAS.

But we’ll get to all of that in time. Let’s start the show.

We begin in the stew room, where Isabella is freaked out about losing his boyfriend, Angelo, and Tiffany is “com-PLETEly surprised” that it wasn’t her. Dale is on a high from winning both of the episode’s challenges. “I crushed an episode,” he says. At that ominous THUNK you hear is the sound of the hour’s first anvil falling from the sky.

Credits!

The next morning, they’re sitting around a counter, and Blais is talking about how he’s filled 2 notebooks with recipe plans since they’ve been on the show. This is pretty impressive, even though the notebooks are the small-sized Moleskines which don’t take a whole lot of work to fill up (unless you can force yourself to write in appropriately tiny script, and then personally I just get frustrated and switch to a larger notebook instead of finishing that one. Tiffany enters the kitchen wearing eyeshadow on the theory that if she looks better and feels better, she’ll cook better . Dale gives her a campy reaction indicating how fabulous she is. She reflects that this is the exact point that she went out in her season.

They then truck on over to the Top Chef All Stars kitchen, where Paula Deen “and her beautiful hair” are waiting for them with Padma. Ulch. You al remember back when I fully loved Paula, right? That has changed a great deal, mostly since she started being all-Pauler-all-the-time, and amping up the dirty old lady/ giggling fool/ sexual innuendo/ I’m just gonner drink this here bottle of mayonnaise because I’m not some old fuddy duddy who worries about health aspect of her schtick. Also, the Smithfield thing didn’t help. I’m not the most conscientious or ethical consumer, and I’m not going to preach to you about why I buy what I buy and eat what I eat, but the bright line I do draw is that insomuch as I can control it, my money is never going toward Smithfield products (or anything from Koch industries). Even if you don’t give a shit about the way the animals you eat are treated, Smithfield gets everything absolutely wrong in terms of their environmental and labor practices too. They are like the perfect storm of corporate horribleness, and that Paula Deen can blithely cash their endorsement checks without hesitation has diminished her in my eyes.

Anyway, Antonia knows that Paula’s presence is a giveaway that this will be a “fry me something, dip it in mayonnaise, roll it in butter kind of challenge.” And sure enough, Padma tells them to impress Paula Deen with their deep frying skills. “If yew kin eeat it, yew kin frah it,” Paula tells them (equal opportunity accent transcription, since she, like Fabio, plays hers up to the point of ridiculousness as part of her persona). The winner gets $5000, and they have 30 minutes.

Fried food flurry! Dale reflects that Paula Deen is “night and day from [his] flavor spectrum” since he works in a Chinese restaurant.” Ok…yes, but. Look at the wins you’ve had in this contest, Dale. Bodega. The potato chip/pretzel cookie. Grilled cheese and tomato soup. It seems like on your days off, Paula Deen is right in your wheelhouse. Antonia admits that she fries food “probably more than I should.” Mike is frying the “oyster” of the chicken, which he flatly admits was ”inspired by” a note Richard had in his notebooks.

This is where the whole “dickishness” thing starts to set in, as Mike first admits to using someone else’s recipe and then gets smugger and more combative about the fact that he did so.

Richard is making fried mayonnaise using liquid nitrogen to freeze the mayonnaise. I get the feeling that if you could see Paula Deen’s soul, it would be a ball of fried mayonnaise. Something goes awry with Carla’s fried fish. Tiffany is making fried chicken wings and pickles.

Mike gives us a lesson on how his completely stolen dish is the best one because everyone else has too much going on on their plates. “At the end of the day, less is more, simple is better,” he says snidely. You know what’s even better, you fat fuck? Coming up with your own ideas.

Time! Antonia appears to have forgotten to make a second portion of her dish, and only has one plate at her station. So Padma and Paula begin by sharing her Fried Avocado, Shrimp and Jalapeño, Grilled Corn, Tomato and Fried Herbs. Paula tells us she loves fried avocado, and it does sound like a HEAVENLY idea – can you imagine the batter giving way to the soft, pliable avocado and that flavor just melting all over your mouth?

Then we see Dale’s Fried Steak Wrapped Oyster with Egg Yolk Omelet, Parsley Tips and Chives. Moving on to Blais’s Fried Bacon with Fried Mayonnaise, Tomato and Cucumber, which Paula says is “after my heart.” I can only assume that she means that both in the sense that he is trying to appeal to her, and that he is literally launching an all-out assault on her cardiac health. But seriously, I would love to give that a shot. Then they move to Tiffany’s Fried Chicken and Pickles, Honey Mustard Sauce with Cilantro and Cumin Salad.

Carla’s Catfish with Dijon Mustard, Hushpuppies, Coleslaw with Mayo, Hot Sauce and Mint is next. Paula makes a face. Mike introduces “his” Fried Chicken Oysters with Mustard Gravy and Oyster Liquor. They’re served on oyster shells, which… it just underlines what a blatant theft this is. It’s a pure, playful, Blaisian plating – simple and beautiful and whimsical. None of those are words anyone would ever use to describe Greasy McCheatface or his food. We see a glare from Richard, who points out that Mike won’t even look at him because “he knows it’s plagiarism.” Mike then tells us snidely that he can see Richard thinks he stole his dish but “I’ve seen it done before” and “if he thinks it’s his dish, he shoulda done it. Right?”

Fuck you, you greasy fucking douchebag. I hope someone drowns you in a vat of hot lard. I hope someone torches your restaurant the night before its opening, and you lose everything. You have no imagination and even less integrity. Everything about you makes me physically ill. Commercial.

Back. Paula shares the bad news about her least favorites: Dale’s dish didn’t have any flavors that “really wowed” her and Carla’s “hushpuppies were lahk spitbawls, kinda.”

Her favorites were Antonia’s, which was “hands down the best,” but she didn’t follow the rules and make two plates, and therefore is disqualified. She thought Richard’s fried mayonnaise was out of this world. She loved the presentation of “Mike’s” dish, which makes Richard feel like “he’s competing against himself.”

Himself doesn’t get the $5000, though, fucking Mike does. “I feel great. I wanna give Richard a big fat thank you for the inspiration, for the picture, but it’s not your dish. It’s my dish, ‘cause I won the five Gs.”

Oh, fuck you, asshole. That’s like saying “yes, I know I took this money out of your bank account, but it’s not your cash, it’s my cash, because I’m the one who used it to buy this Porsche.” It’s a completely self serving and shit stupid line of illogic.

Padma says that John Besh will be joining them at the judges’ table for the elimination round, and he enters the room. Richard points out that this “kinda ups the ante a little bit,” presumably because they have more of a personal stake in cooking for one of the premiere restaurateurs in New Orleans than some woman who cackles while using a novelty egg separator on television.

Their challenge is to make Gulf Coast seafood for 300 people to serve at a fundraiser for the Greater New Orleans Foundation that John and Paula are hosting. And because there are so many diners to cook for, they get help.

It is, of course, some of the eliminated chefs, each with their own seafood. Antonia isn’t excited to see them because getting knocked out of this season would do your head in a bit. Richard agrees that it’s more important to pick a chef who’s “mentally fit” at this point than to be particular about which protein you have, and points out that Angelo, having just been offed the previous day, is not going to be in the best shape.

Mike chooses first, and picks Tiffani and her brown shrimp. He gives Richard the next pick for being “an inspiration in my dish today.” Ok, you know what, you stupid hack?, You might as well just fuck the man’s wife and give him six dollars. Eat a bag of dicks.
Richard picks Fabio and Snapper. Carla takes Tre and his Red Grouper. Tiffany picks white shrimp, which, sadly, come with a side order of Marcel. Antonia picks Spike and his crabs, and everyone giggles about Spike’s crabs because just like the rest of us, the Cheftestants are 12 in their hearts. Dale is left with Angelo and the amberjack, but says he feels good about it

The chefs will have $200 to spend at Restaurant Depot and $500 at Whole Foods. Tomorrow they have 2.5 hours to cook in the Top Chef kitchen, then 30 minutes to prep and cook before the guests arrive.

They have fifteen minutes to plan. Antonia and Spike are going with crab cakes. Mike is riding on Tiffani’s coattails since she lived in New Orleans for awhile – he lets her do all the planning for the dish. Angelo assures Dale that he’s gotten into Richard’s head with all his recent wins. Richard is doing a new dish, fish and grits, because he only does new recipes while he’s on Top Chef: “you’re not going to see me doing other people’s recipes, like Mike.” Dayuum.

Tiffany is being inspired by the food her grandmother made growing up. She’s not interested in Marcel’s ideas, and plans to just tell him what to do. Carla discovers that though she thought Tre was comfortable with Southern food, he’s a “city boy,” and didn’t eat that stuff growing up. She offers to give him to Tiffany, but Marcel drily says “I think she’s going to keep her white shrimp.” Hee. It’s funny because Marcel’s fish was white shrimp, and also because he’s white and tiny. Carla says she wants to check Tre’s NAACP card. Ok – I wanted to let this slide because he cooks in Texas so it’s natural to assume he’d know Southern food, but Carla’s rationale was apparently “all black folks know Southern food,” so I just can’t see a way that it’s not racist.

Shopping! 30 minutes at Restaurant Depot! Richard and Fabio wander through the aisles looking for hot sauce, and Richard tells us that Fabio has said they get along so well because Richard reminds him of his ex wife. Oooohkay.

Whole Foods! Dale sprints through the aisles. Carla says this dish is about redemption because she botched her fried fish during the quickfire, so she’s making it again. Mike and Tiffani drink beers, which apparently they let you do in New York Whole Foods.

Back to the All Stars Apartment. Carla and Antonia rehash their mistakes, and Mike thanks Antonia for the 5 grand he won by default. Antonia interviews that everything about Mike’s win – getting it by default and with someone else’s dish – is “bad chef etiquette.” Then Mike gets pissy because Richard doesn’t want to talk to him. “Grow up already. If you’re gonna win, be a fuckin’ winner. If you’re gonna lose go in the fuckin’ corner” he says with his usual degree of class and eloquence.

Antonia fills the other ladies in about Mike’s cheating ways, and they react melodramatically to this serious violation of “chef law.” Commercial.

Back. The chefs and their sous/eliminees hit the kitchen with two and a half hours to prep. Food flurry. Dale has a problem with having so many people in the kitchen – he’d like it just to be the 6 remaining contestants not the ones who were put out and “showed up like bed bugs.” Antonia pours two bottles of Makers into her pan. Yum. Carla doesn’t trust Tre with her collard greens.

Tiffani is doing all of Mike’s work, so he spends all his time heckling the other chefs, and slapping Angelo on the ass, causing him to drop something. I want to shoot him in the face. Marcel keeps giving Tiffany the same piece of advice over and over, but she finally shuts him down. Dale trusts Tiffany to keep Marcel in check because she’s “5’10”, Southern, black woman with some serious [snapping motion].”

The clock is running down and people are throwing things together. “This kitchen is like a war zone,” Dale tells us as clouds of nitrogen billow everywhere. Mike knocks things over. Time!

They all head out to the venue for their 30 minutes of prep. Dale says that this is the hardest challenge he’s had to go through, and he should’ve gotten more work done in the Top Chef Kitchen. Blais is nervous about whether the judges will understand what he’s doing with his dish. Carla ditches her cornbread because it didn’t work. “Redemption is slipping away. Far, far away. Bye redemption.”

The diners begin entering and hitting the food stations. The chefs are just turning and turning, 20 plates at a time.

The judges enter and John Besh stops on his way through the door to hug JONATHAN WAXMAN!!!!! Eeeeee! I LOVE Jonathan Waxman. But you all knew that already, having heard me squee about it for the better portion of two seasons of Top Chef Masters.
Besh tells Tom about the charity so that they get their full quota of mentions in on camera, and then the judges head off to the tables. They begin with “Mike’s” Grit-Crusted Gulf Shrimp, Sour Cream and Chive Potatoes with Pork and Lobster Sauce that Tiffani came up with and made pretty much in its entirety. Besh says that “Mike” hit the nail on the head, and Tom praises the clean flavors.

Diners and judges find themselves waiting at the Richard/Fabio station while they fight about their Crispy Gulf Snapper with Pulled Pork and Citrus Grits. Once they get the plates, Besh says he questioned how the dish would work, but “it kind of works.” Padma says it’s still pretty light.

AAAAH Carmen Garcia and David Burke are at a table with Johanthan Waxman!!!! Why can’t we spend more time with this table and less with Pauler’s cackling and John Besh’s bland anchormanstyle handsomeness?

Things go wrong at Dale’s station and he has to stop the line. Angelo tries to reassure him that things are fine. “it’s like slo-mo. You see yourself fucking up and you can’t do anything about it.” And then Marcel has to make additional Honey Glaze that Tiffany doesn’t have time to taste before it goes out. Carla is still fretting about the expectations.

Carla serves the judges her Fried Grouper with Collard Greens and Chow-Chow Pico. Paula doesn’t care for the collard greens, and Tom thinks there’s too much hot sauce on the fish. Carla hopes that somebody messes up more than she does.

Tiffany serves her Honey Glazed Shrimp, Grits with Jalapeño and Cheese, Shellfish Sauce. Pauler makes a HI-larious joke about sucking the head that everyone in the world finds charming and folksy, except me. Besh likes the glaze, but you don’t taste the shrimp. Tom hates the glaze, and thinks the shrimp is over cooked.

Dale haltingly explains his Amberjack Stew with Andouille Sausage and Potatoes, Creole Mustard Crouton. He worries that the potatoes aren’t cooked all the way, and Padma verifies that. Tom says there’s “way too much mustard on the crouton,” but Paula says the stew isn’t bad.

They wrap things up with Antonia’s Blue Crab Cake, Corn, Jalapeño and Andouille Relish with Crab Broth. Besh raves about how delicate the crab is, and Tom thinks she did a great job.

The judges recap the fact that they were “really impressed with a few and really underwhelmed with a couple of them.”

The diners drop a few bucks in the donation box, and the chefs all hug their sous while Mike yammers about it being his time to shine and how he went home “way too early” in his season. Oh fuck you, asshole. If anything, you’ve been kept around long past your expiry in both seasons. Carla is upset about how things went wrong. Commercial.

Fakeback! Antonia sends Spike to spy on the diners to see what the judges are saying. Spike, instead, flirts with some ladies and knocks over wine. “Spike is an amazing sous chef; really bad spy” Antonia tells us. That was cute. That was one of the few times I’ve ever found the fakeback worthwhile.

Back. Stew room. Carla and Tiffani mope about how they could go home on a Southern food challenge. Padma calls back Antonia, Richard, and Mike.

They obviously had the favorite dishes of the night. Richard says that the other side of the gulf – Georgia and Florida – was his inspiration. Besh praises the unexpectedness of the dish.

Mike then says a bunch of things about his dish that come across as disjointed and like he doesn’t know much about the idea behind the dish or how it was made. Tom gets a bemused look on his face, and you have to think the extent to which Mike must’ve relied on Tiffani is crossing his mind. Paula loved it, though.

Besh thought that Antonia’s dish exhibited a lot of balance, and Tom says that the smoke and spice was really special.

Besh and Paula announce that the winner is…Richard! Yay!! He’s thrilled to be recognized by “two amazing southern chefs,” and then in a RIDONKULOUSLY CHOPPY audio edit says “sorry. Mike. Ee. This one’s. Mine.”

Anyway he gets blah blah blah Hilton and blah blah blah Barbados. He says he’s going to invite Fabio to go with him and his family. Aw. Most annoying family vacation EVER. The daughter that’s old enough to remember it will probably end up in therapy because of her recurring nightmares about being hauled around the beach by an incoherent Italian.

And now Blais has to send back the other three for the bottom, and the three top places settle into the stew room to wait. Antonia requests that Mike not burp on her, fart on her, or flick a booger at her if he’s going to sit there. He says he’ll think about it, then burps on her. What a fucking charmer. Someone should skin him alive with a rusty carrot peeler.

The judges begin with the bottom three. “Tiffany, when you picked Marcel…” Padma begins. “I picked the shrimp,” Tiffany replies. Tom chuckles, then Tiffany acknowledges that Marcel helped a lot and cooked the shrimp. Besh says the shrimp was mealy, and she takes responsibility because it was her dish.

Tom brings up Dale’s raw potatoes. Tom says they should’ve made the judges wait if the dish wasn’t ready. Then they bring up the mustardy crouton, with Besh saying the dish was like “Flavor warfare” and says the one thing they didn’t taste was the amberjack.

Carla brings up the expectations again, and Tom says she drowned the flavor of the fish with the mustard and hot sauce. Paula says didn’t make sense because none of the flavors complimented the other.

In the stew room, Richard tells them that Marcel was talking shit about Tiffany and saying he had better ideas. The bottom chefs enter. Tiffany explains that Marcel also didn’t dilute the honey sauce for the shrimp. So really, now Marcel’s responsible for everything that went wrong.

The judges begin their deliberation with Dale. “Ah lahk mah potatoes dun,” Paula says, and Tom says that between the mustard and the andouille, all he tasted was hot dog.

On the other hand, Carla turned her beautiful fish into “chicken fingers.” Tiffany’s dish threw Paula one way and the other, and Tom says it didn’t work at all. Commercial

Back. Tom reminds them that they were supposed to honor the fish while raising money for the greater New Orleans foundation, and none of them honored the fish – they all covered it up with spices and crap. Struts With Big Cleaver is on the warpath again against the chefs who have not learned that only when the last fish has been caught will they find that money cannot be eaten.

Padma tells…Dale to pack his knives and go.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In the interview clips, Dale cries a bit rather than starting his interview right away, then he says it sucks to be so close.

They go back to the stew room, where the other chefs react in shock again. Dale is proud of how he went through this thing, and says that “the first time I was here, I didn’t like me very much so I took it out on other people. Hopefully people will see that I’ve grown up. I think this time around, I’m in a really good place. I know I’m leaving a better person, I know I’m leaving a better chef. It’s an experience. There’s no way I can’t handle anything. Opening a restaurant? Let’s do it. I feel like Superman.”

Next: Padma! Boat horns! Ellis Island! Family! Crying! If I go home today, I will be utterly heartbroken. And then the DVR cuts out.

C is for Dale's Cookie, and that's Oh-Holy-God Good Enough for Me

Say what you will about this season of Top Chef (and as you all know I find pages and pages to say about this season week in and week out, much of it profane), but it has provoked an unprecedented number of cravings in me.

The Rao's episode has had me craving cacciatore for two weeks now (it's also made me picky about risotto in a way I hadn't previously been -- Tonic, your mushroom rice is tasty but it doesn't spread and therefore it ain't risotto). I have stopped just shy of actually grabbing people on the street and begging them to come to my apartment so I can make them a cacciatore, but only because I'm afraid that charges would be filed as a result.

Mere days after the Jimmy Fallon episode, a friend put pictures up on Facebook of her homemade pot pies. The only thing that kept me from rushing to her place to eat them was the knowledge that the pot pies would've been cold by the time I got to Phoenix.

And then there's last week's episode. I watched last week's episode, and my immediate response was...

Me want Dale's Cookie.

I tried to talk myself out of it. "You are an adult," I said. "You can't go around making cookies out of potato chips and pretzels just because some guy on a TV show did. Besides, cookies -- especially potato pretzel chocolate salted caramel cookies -- are a sometimes food."

But the voice in my head would not shut up. ME. WANT. DALE's. COOKIE.

So I looked online for the recipe, and found two versions -- one on Dale's blog, the other on bravotv.com. But neither of them are terribly specific -- Dale's doesn't give any quantities whatsoever, while Bravo's gives vague ones -- "two bags" each of pretzels and potato chips? What size bags, people? Two Utz Pounder bags? Two vending machine sized bags?

Help a monster out, Bravo.

Ultimately, I decided to go with Dale's recipe, since. .. it is Dale's recipe, after all. So from here on out, his instructions will be in Top Chef orange; my comments in plain text.

Cookie Monster's remarks, naturally, will continue to be in blue.

In a food processor take plain store bought potato chips, salted plain pretzels and grind them down.

I used plain Utz potato chips and Snyder's of Hannover Pretzel Sticks. The Utz were a natural choice because of their deliciousness and their cheapness. The pretzel sticks were on sale, and I thought they might break down more easily than another shape would.
I kept alternating handfuls of pretzels and handfuls of chips and blitzing them in my food processor until I had a fairly full processor bowl -- bear in mind, though, that I have a blender/food processor combo, so the work bowl is a little smaller than normal.

Anyway, I ultimately ended up using about a half to three quarters of a bag of the chips, and a half bag of the pretzel sticks (this calculation doesn't account for the ones that bypassed the processor and found their way into my belly).

Melt butter, and in a mixing bowl and pretzels, chips, sugar , a small amount of all purpose flour, salt,This is maybe my favorite part of the entire process (except for eating of cookies, of course) -- the second the melted butter hits the dry ingredients, the unmistakeable butter-sugar-salt-pretzel smell of Auntie Anne's fills your kitchen. "Mmmm," I thought. "This is what living in a mall must smell like."

This is also where I almost grabbed the rice flour instead of the all-purpose, and it occurred to me that it would be really, REALLY easy to make this a gluten free recipe if you used Glutino pretzels, a safe brand of chip, and rice flour. You're welcome, celiac types.

Anyway, to proportion -- I'd say that I used in the neighborhood of 1/8 cup of flour and maybe a bit more sugar, plus a few tablespoons of salt and about a stick and a half of butter.

pack it into a baking pan and bake at 350 for 10 minutes.

The bravotv.com recipe specifies a sheet pan, but since I'd kind of figured out by that point that I was working with a smaller batch than they'd made, I went with a 9x9 square pan. This is the pre-baking picture; post baking looks a bit darker but much the same.

Make a Caramel with sugar, butter, cream, and salt

Totally cheated on this one. The voice in my head was going ME WANT COOKIE ME WANT COOKIE so insistently and my caramel making experience is so limited and the results so mixed that I used an 11.5 ounce bag of baker's caramel nibs, melted down with cream and a bit of extra sugar, then salted it until I had the taste and texture I wanted.

then pour over chopped chocolate to make a salted Carmel ganache.


That's a standard sized bag of dark chocolate morsels melted into the caramel. It's going to take awhile for the mixture to melt down, then a bit longer for it to get nice and shiny and have a good liquid texture. Fortunately, during that time your base will have finished baking and can take awhile to hang out and cool to room temperature.

When the pretzel potato chip cools pour over the Carmel ganache and let it set


Turn the pan and let the ganache ooze all over the crust so everything gets covered, and do a little spready-spready with the spatula to make sure it's (fairly) evenly distributed.

I popped mine into the fridge to set to speed up the process a bit, because ME WANT COOKIE. ME WANT COOKIE NOW NOW NOW! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE! And I figured it would be better to hurry that along while I completed the last step.

then pop in a little B.I.G and holler @ your boy.

What? It was in the directions. I can only assume that if you DON'T listen to B.I.G. while your cookies are setting, they will come out tasting like shit.

Dale's directions end there. The bravotv.com directions specify that once the cookies are set, you should cut them into rounds with a ring mold.

I decided to make them a bar shape, mostly because I'd rather have 25 neat little cookie bites than 9 larger rounds and a bunch of corner scraps and nonsense.

They are. So. Fucking. Good. They are the absolute perfect blend of sweet and salty; of light tasty crust and rich, dense, chocolateycaramellysalty ganache goodness.

I love them so much, I want to take them behind the middle school and get them pregnant.

Make these cookies. Make them now. You will not regret it, ever.

Sing us out, Cookie Monster.

Sandra in Exile

No longer content with confining her to the second row, behind a cheese magazine but still before a gluten-free cooking magazine, they have dropped her down, down, down. .. below Food & Wine. Below Cooking with Paula Deen. Below The Knot and Architectural Digest.

No more for Sandra the middle shelf where you put the magazines that will catch people's eyes, the ones people will buy even though they didn't come in to buy a magazine, they just came for some spinach and enough milk to hold them through to the weekend. Not the shelf for magazines that offer something -- a recipe, a dress, a plan for weight loss or tips for hotter sex -- that will arrest the casual shopper, will give them something to want, something to aspire to. No, nor even the shelf above that, where you might find the Muscle & Fitness they were out of at CVS, or the Celebrity Hair you want to take to your stylist to see if he thinks you could pull off Emma Watson's adorable pixie cut.

No, Sandra. You must go to the bottom shelf. The shelf where only the die hards will look, because you have to crouch in an unflattering position, sinking your haunches low to the ground until they hover mere centimetres above the linoleum floor that God-knows-who has done God-knows what on. The shelf where even those who might want your magazine and who will see your bleached brow beaming sunnily above the top of a bulk order of The Nest will hesitate, will think about reaching down to see if you're worth buying this month, and will ultimately say "ah, fuck it," because if they get down there, their joints will snap and crackle and pop, betraying their age to anyone who might be at the Safeway on their lunch hour (including, but not limited to the creepy guy who runs the wine section and that weird girl with the pink shoes and the Body Shop totebag who is taking pictures of the magazine rack with her phone).

The second row of the lowest shelf, Sandra. That's where you are now. That's where you will finish out your days. Two sad copies, tucked away behind a mountain of a magazine featuring that woman from Glee whose eyes always make me wonder if she has a thyroid problem.

Unseen. Out of reach. Ultimately, unsold.

Top Chef All Stars: The Salt Monster At The End Of This Post

Cookie Monster is good
But the salt monster is bad
He ate Angelo.

So let’s get the inevitable out of the way: O MI GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE DALE WUN 4 SOOP!!!!!! UNFARE!!!!!! RICHURD AN ANTONIO’S DISHES WUR SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED!!!! AN HOW COME ANGELO IS OUT FOR SALT THIS WEEK BUT DALE STAYED LAST WEEK! UNFARE TO FABIO! JUDGES ARE STOOPID!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh. Yes, but.

1. To the latter point – well, crap. Tom has deleted the tweet from last night where he said that Dale’s dish last week was edible even though it was too salty, but Angelo’s was oversalted to the point of being inedible. Hopefully he'll make the same point in his blog when it's up. And shut up, Fabio fangurls. You are throwing away the last gentle scraps of your dignity for a gross, gross man.

2. To the former point – I had a moment of thinking this myself after they announced the winner. Richard cooked his protein two ways; Antonia precision cooked eggs. Both of their dishes were inarguably more complicated to make under the circumstances than Dale’s tomato soup and ribeye grilled cheese.

But. . .

The competition is not “who can make the most complicated dish in this challenge.” It’s “who can make the BEST dish in this challenge.” The judges thought Dale made the best dish.

And for those of you still carping: please, look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t rather eat a GREAT grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup than a GOOD arepe or egg? Do you really go to a restaurant and say “this looks like the most complicated dish on the menu” and order that? Or do you order the best item?

Besides, he made grilled cheese with irons. Now, I love that for reasons we’ll get to in the challenge (80’s teen lit related reasons), but it also shows a level of innovation that really embraces the spirit of the challenge.

So for all that, and because – as we’ve discussed before – I like Dale more with every episode. And this week was full of new reasons why, including this:

You see that? You see how he apologized for something he said instead of going on for weeks about HEY MAYBE ANTONIO MAKE SOME GOOD FRENCH MUSSELS THIS CHALLENGE or MAYBE YOU ALL LOVE ANGELA’S CAMELTOE WITH HIS AVOCADO IN HIS PANTS HAHAHAHAH LOL!!!! FABI IS SO FUNNY, AREN'T I???? for weeks and weeks and weeks?

That is an adult, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a person worth rooting for. Not your hyperactive greaseball.

(I unfollowed Fabio’s tweets last night, and immediately felt like a healthier person. I felt that way for 50 minutes, until the preview for next week’s episode).

As for Angelo…as much as he and his Russian mail order fiancée and his fetishization of “Asian” culture creeped me out, I was never as anti-Angelo as some people during his season. But he was kind of a non-entity during All Stars – both because he’s clearly burnt out from back-to-back sesons and because he just got overshadowed by the stronger personalities.

So I’m of mixed emotions about him being gone. I'll miss him because with the back-to-back seasons, it seems like we've been hanging out together for months now. Really I’m going to decide to be pleased, though because it will upset all the bullshit rankings you all showed me where he’s at the top of a bunch of lists for no logical reason whatsoever.

But more on that later. Let’s start the show.

We open in the stew room with Mike and Richard talking about what a great friend Fabio is. Richard says Fabio should’ve taken the time to consult with him, since he runs a burger restaurant. Carla says it’s “amazing” to be one of the last three women standing.

We then cut to the Top Chef Bar. Oh, good, it’s like super mega opening where we get both variations of the usual opener at once. Anyway, Dale appears to be the only one drinking an actual drink. Everyone else has the paper cups of coffee again. Dale and Richard toast to season 4 “representing,” and agree to be allies until it’s down to just the two of them. Suddenly I feel like I’ve turned into the wrong channel altogether, and am accidentally watching Survivor. Dale wants "the championship belt around my waist. I’m not like these new school parents who are like ‘we’re all winners.’ Fuck that. That’s buuuuulllshit, man. Who the fuck said losing is ok? Like, in what country is that cool?”

At this point, I pause the TV and stand up to give Dale a rousing round of applause, because in addition to liking him more each week, I feel like I’ve found an ally in the war against our participation trophy culture. Fuck “we’re all winners” indeed. If everyone’s a winner, why the fuck are you playing? Because you enjoy it? That’s great. Get a little better at it. Win once in awhile. I guarantee you’ll enjoy it ten times more.

Credits.

The episode proper starts with the cheftestants entering the Top Chef kitchen, where Padma is wearing a floral dress and tells them ‘we’re on our way. Everything’s A-Ok.” Dale thinks she’s speaking in tongues. I would guess a bag of weed laced with some hard shit is a more likely option. And then she says “can you tell me. . .how to get to. . .” and after a lengthy pause, Telly Monster, Cookie Monster, and Elmo pop up from behind the table and yell “SESAME STREET!”

Let me get something out of the way here: I am fully and thoroughly part of generation Street. I was raised watching the show, often on the shitty little black-and-white set in my father’s study. I grew up going to Sesame Street Live! whenever it pulled into Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum. I regularly begged for The Monster at the End of this Book! as my bedtime story (spoiler alert: that monster is me! And you were so scared…). I can still sing about half the songs, do a creditable reenactment of the abierto/cerrado sketch, and call up a good Monsterpiece Theatre reference when the occasion calls. Mr. Hooper’s death is one of my earliest defining cultural memories, ranking right up there with the 1982 World Series and the 1980 Presidential debates.

I FUCKING HATE ELMO.

That stupid red piece of shit has been ruining everything since he made Maria and Luis’s wedding all about him by screeching “don’t drop the rings, Elmo!” after every single verse. He has eaten the fucking show. It’s no longer a dynamic ensemble cast; it’s now the Elmo show. And he is making your children stupid. He can’t put a sentence together to save his life. The “Elmo’s World” segments of the show take up the last FIFTEEN MINUTES of the program (and it’s not as though that’s the only time per episode that he’s on), and is so full of half truths and nonsense that your child’s lifetime earning potential probably drops by 3% every time he or she watches. And his voice makes me want to drive knives into my ears.

Anyway. Telly, Cookie, and He Who Must Not Be Named are there to judge the Quickfire in which the cheftestants must make their version of the best. . .

. . .can you guess?

Do you think you know what the monsters might want to eat?

Cookie Monster fills us in: “COOOOOKIEEEEE!!!! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!!” They have 45 minutes. Elmo wants zucchini or carrots in his. Cookie says “just make it yummy. Maybe chocolate chip cookies.” The winner gets $5000. “Wow. That buy lots of cookies,” Cookie tells us.

(See why the classic Muppets are better? Elmo is too fucking stupid to have figured out for himself that you can exchange money for goods and services, and use $5000 to buy lots of cookies. He’d probably have to ask his stupid fucking goldfish for help with that one)

COOKIE FLURRY!!!! Why do we get a lingering close up of the Swanson’s chicken stock? Gross. There’s no chicken stock in cookies people. Tiffany weighs butter. She’s planning a shortbread cookie with lemon zest. Richard tells us he doesn’t fear pastry like a lot of chefs do. He’s making the zucchini cookie Elmo asked for. Fucking Elmo. But I will say that Blais is one of those people who is MADE to interact with Muppets. He's so perfect at it, and he looks right for the job. He should have a permanent cooking segment on Sesame Street -- he can open a restaurant in Hooper's old storefront.

This is apparently the first cookie Angelo’s made. Ever? Seriously? Dale says it’s incredible that someone who eats as many cookies as Mike does would be so uncomfortable making them. Burn.

Dale puts potato chips in the cookies. Damn straight, Dale. When I was in grade school, there was this kid whose mom used to make Chocolate Chip-Chip Cookies – which were, if you didn’t catch on, chocolate chip cookies with crumbled potato chips in them. That kid is now an insane Tea Party acolyte who drives a city bus, but I don’t think we can blame the cookies for that. They were delicious. Antonia thinks Dale’s cheating because he’s not making cookies. Mike wonders if there will ever be a challenge where Richard doesn’t use liquid nitrogen. Cookie Monster eats the tablecloth. 5 minutes. Antonia’s cookies are huge. One minute. Cookie can’t take it. Time! Tasting! Commercial!

BACK. They open with Antonia’s Double Chocolate Cookie with White Chocolate Chips, Fresh Caramel Glaze, and Sprinkles. “Elmo can definitely taste the white chocolate, Elmo says. Cookie likes the texture of Carla’s Chocolate Chip Cookie with Cinnamon. “I thought it was cardamom,” Telly says. “Very close,” Padma tells him since Cardamom and Cinnamon are from the same part of the world.

You see, America? You see how much smarter the original Muppets are than that hyperactive freak you’ve sold your children to? You think Elmo knows fuck all about Cardamom?

They move on to Dale’s Pretzel and Potato Chip Shortbread Cookie with Salted Caramel Chocolate Ganache. My reaction to this is an instant NOMNOMNOM. I am such a sucker for salty/sweet, and those cookies sound epic to me. Richard gets Elmo to say “Hello Riley. Elmo loves you” for his daughter before presenting his Ice Cream Cookie with Chocolate Chips, Zucchini, and Mint. “Technically is that cookie?” Cookie demands.

Once again, Cookie show he smarter than Elmo. Cookie know value of $5000 for purchase of cookies, and definition of what cookie should be. Elmo only know driving everyone fucking crazy.

Mike has an Almond and Dried Cherry Cookie with Rose Petal Sugar. “Like Party in me mouth,” Cookie says. Tiffany presents her Shortbread Cookie with Lemon Zest, Rosemary, Thyme, and Coconut Milk. “How much Thyme?” Elmo asks. “45 minutes, Telly reminds him.”

We wrap things up with Angelo’s Chocolate Chip, Belgian Hazelnut Cookie with a Chocolate Banana Milkshake.

The esteemed judging panel runs through the least successful cookies. Cookie had an issue with Richard’s being “not quite cookie.” Richard bows to his expertise. Cookie also thought Angelo’s was a little dry.

On top were Dale because “we love the sweet and salty mix,” and Antonia since “they only cookie around here that chewy gooey,” Cookie says, but Elmo loudly insists that they look like cow chips. “COW CHIPS!” he screams. Fucking Elmo. And the winner is. . .Dale! Yay!!!! He says winning this is one of his top 3 Top Chef experiences ever, and he gets $5000.

The monsters leave. Padma says now that they’ve unleashed their inner child, they’ll be turned loose like kids in a candy store. They’ll be playing for. . .

Twenty.

Five

Thousand.

Dollars.

But first they have to go to Target. They have 3 hours to raid the store in the middle of the night, and find anything they need to make a delicious dish for 100 Target employees. And then there’s a lot of blah blah blah about how everything they need is at Target – produce, knives, everything.

The chefs head off to Target in the middle of the night. They enter the empty store (which is totally a lie – I know enough people who’ve worked for Target to know that their rule about resetting the store from zero every morning means that there’s always so much recovery to do that the stores are literally never empty. Someone is always, always there cleaning) and run through the aisles, racing around like nut jobs grabbing appliances and ingredients and. . .underwear? did someone just grab a three pack of drawers? What’s up with this?

Dale talks about how Tiffany has made it this far without a single win, and “she’s a little goofy and a little loud.” Then he remembers playing Hockey with a tuna can and brooms when he worked in a grocery store, and grabs a bunch of. . irons. To iron his drawers, I can only imagine. Antonia is grabbing all of the equipment she could possibly need before checking out the food. Angelo and Mike work together to grab their ingredients.

Then they begin setting up stations using folding tables and garbage cans. Tiffany has also grabbed herself a jaunty cap. Mike discusses the problem of working with smaller, low powered appliances, and also running amok about the floor when he’s out of shape. Carla gets hung up on her inability to find linens, and almost forgets to buy food. Commercial.

Back. Carla is still shopping. Everyone else is cooking. Richard is making a corn pancake with seared pork tenderloin and braised pork ribs. Nom.
Mike can’t find salt or a peeler. Angelo finds it for him. Antonia is making an egg dish, and is worried about her cooking implements. Tiffany is making a jambalaya take off. Carla is still wandering amongst the dishes, unable to find linens.

Finally, we see her grabbing some limes. She will feed them limes. And the thing is, she’ll probably call them homestyle limes, and she'll slice them with love, and they’ll probably be delicious, and she’ll probably win.

Dale says that this challenge reminds him of his college days “when I was broke and drunk” and he’d make grilled cheese sandwiches with his iron and tomato soup in his rice cooker. Hm, it reminds me of Paula Danziger’s classic YA novel The Divorce Express where Rosie shows Phoebe how to make grilled cheese sandwiches by wrapping them in foil and ironing them. Dale apparently read some of the same YA Chick Lit that I did.

Carla finally gets her table set up and starts cooking but she is now wondering if she has time to run back and grab a protein. She’s trying to make soup, and has less than an hour. Mike wants to know why Angelo didn’t grab him a can opener. Angelo wants to know if he should cook for Mike too since apparently he has to do everything else for Mike.

Mike is making coconut broth; Angelo is making potato soup. A lot of soups in this crowd. Mike thinks something’s missing from Angelo’s soup. Angelo adds bacon and salt. Antonia thinks everyone’s “frickin ridiculous” for making soup with $25,000 on the line.

Thomas O’Brien, an Interior designer from Target comes around and decorates an eating area for them. Hm. Angelo thinks he’s oversalted his baked potato soup. Mike runs off to try and find ladles. Dale irons some more sandwiches. I like a nice crease in my sandwiches myself.

Time! A bunch of Target employees in red and khaki enter. “If you guys don’t like it, Mikey over there made it,” Angelo tells them as he ladles up some soup for them..

The judges enter. It’s Padma, Bourdain, and Tom with Ken Jeong! No, just kidding. It’s Ming Tsai, but he still kind of looks like Ken Jeong to me, and the idea that he might bite the contestants’ faces off with his knowledge is really appealing. Ya bit, Mikey. Ya bit.

Bourdain tells us that he has to go right from this to a parent teacher conference. Thomas O’Brien is also there as a special guest.

The cheftestants bring their food over to the judges one at a time. First, Richard presents his Pork Tenderloin with Green Chilies, Apples, Braised Pork Ribs, and Corn Pancakes. Nom. Bourdain thinks it was “butt ugly” but delicious. A Target employee likes the flavor.

Next up is Dale’s Ribeye Grilled Cheese Sandwich with Spicy Tomato Soup. Nom. Ming Tsai thinks using the iron was brilliant. Bourdain says that like Dale’s other dishes, it’s great “late night stoner food” and wants to know if they’ve given Dale a urine test. “Maybe he’s trying to become an Iron Chef,” Ming Tsai says. The other judges groan at his pun, but all I want to say is “oh, you mean like you did, Ming Tsai? When you were a contestant on The Next Iron Chef? And how’d that work out for you?

Carla is nervous about her Curry Apple Soup with Tomato Ginger Jam, and Cucumber Apple Slaw because the flavors haven’t developed. Ming finds it “two dimensional” and Padma says it’s like a sauce that’s missing its protein.

Antonia presents her Parmesan Cream Eggs with Almonds, Tomato, Apple and a Garlic Crustini. (I don’t know if “crustini” is another Bravo intern error or a playful way of saying it’s a crostini made of crusts) Bourdain says it’s a “ballsy offering” to precision cook eggs for 100 people, and O’Brien likes the sweetness as a “breakfast surprise.”

Mike Presents his Spicy Coconut Soup with Mushrooms, Scallions, and Lime saying it has “fresh coconut milk.” “You found fresh coconuts here?” Padma asks incredulously. “No, I found coconut milk,” Mike admits. “Then it’s NOT fresh coconut milk,” she chides him laconically. Somehow she manages to sound both really ticked off and like she couldn’t care less. She stops eating after a teaspoon, but Ming says it’s satisfying for him to find something that spicy late night.

Tiffany presents her Jambalaya with Chicken, Sausage, and Shrimp with a Summer Salad. Bourdain’s not crazy about it because the chicken is soggy. Tom says it’s ok, and O’Brien says there’s something “not special about it.”

Finally we get Angelo’s Baked Potato Soup with Bacon, Onions, Sour Cream, Potato Skins, Scallions, and Grated Cheddar Cheese. “You do not need to pass the salt,” Ming says. “Too heavy and waaay too salty,” Bourdain concurs.

Tom thinks some of them did really well while others messed up a little bit. Bourdain is souped out from all the soups. They start off on their long drive back to judges’ table. Tiffany is particularly nervous about this challenge because she’s the only person who hasn’t won anything. Commercial.

Back. “That was a hard challenge,” Carla yawns, and Richard calls it “straight up guerilla style.” Carla is so tired she can’t “feel” whether she’s top, bottom, or middle.

Padma quickly ends the suspense on that one by calling back Dale, Antonia, and Richard. They had the top dishes of the evening. Ming says Richard was the only one to do a protein 2 different ways. Bourdain (like me) is “always happy to see runny eggs, particularly at 3 o’clock in the morning.”

Seriously, folks, there is nothing better than a runny egg (she said, dredging her toast through the yolk remnants smeared across her plate). If you’re one of those people denying yourself the joys of soft eggs – whether they be boiled, barely poached, or a nice fry where you can break the runny yolk and let it ooze all over the firm white – for fear of bacteria or whatever, I have two pieces of advice for you: 1) buy eggs you can trust the quality of (why are you buying eggs you can only use a certain number of ways? That’s like buying a car that can only drive due East), and 2) get the hell over it.

Tom wraps up the feedback portion of events by saying that Dale’s sandwich was hot and crispy and the soup was delicious. Bourdain credits him with having a great combination of “goofy and devious.”

Ming announces that the winner is. . .Dale! YAY!!!!! “Boom. That’s rent for a year,” he says. He’s pleased to have pulled it off “over a grilled cheese sandwich and soup. And an iron. That’s what’s up.”

The chefs clap with amazement as Dale comes back. Until he calls in Carla, Tiffany, and Angelo.

Padma asks Carla about her soup. She “hits the nail on the head” with her listing of the problems, according to Tom. Bourdain adds that it’s “desperately in need of protein.” Ming adds that it would’ve been a great sauce for a protein.

They all weigh in on Angelo’s soup being “way too salty” and Padma adds that it was very rich. Bourdain says it was “way too heavy on the scallions” and “left a bad taste in the mouth.”

Bourdain says that Tiffany’s use of the dried spice mix is what got her in trouble. They then weigh in on the problems of spice mixes. The whole thing is like a giant, beautiful “fuck you” to Sandra Lee.

Padma asks if the chefs have any final words before the judges make a decision. Tiffany has words. “I’m from Beaumont Texas. It’s a REAL small city.” And then she cries and babbles about how whatever the decision they make, it’s been an honor to work with the other chefs. Padma sneers at her tears, and sends them back to the stew room.

“Beaumont cried again,” Carla says derisively as they walk back into the stew room. HA. I’m both impressed by Carla’s steely tone when she says this, and kind of bummed that we haven’t seen more of the “Beaumont cried” trope in action. Angelo thinks he’s going home for the salt, which he clearly blames Mike for. He is. . . not wrong.

Bourdain thought Carla’s soup was “weak” and it reminded him of the watered down sauce you get in tea sauce in India. He also can’t get past the prepared seasonings in Tiffany’s jambalaya. But Angelo’s was inedible – they couldn’t eat more than a bite of it. But then Tom adds “this could easily be fixed. He just lost focus.” So you go into commercial wondering if they think that Angelo’s fixable error is a smaller flaw, ultimately, than someone else’s unfixable one. Commercial.

Back. Tom acknowledges that this was a difficult challenge which quickly turned into a real test of will. Carla’s dish never developed. Tiffany’s dish was incomplete. Angelo had way too much salt.

Padma tells. . .Angelo to pack his knives and go. “Oh mah gawsh,” Tiffany says. Angelo says he made a critical error, and that he’s “mentally fried” from making almost 40 dishes “back to back” between the two seasons.

He goes back and tells them he’s leaving. “What?” says Mike “Are you serious?” says Antonia. “YOU?” Mike asks again.

Angelo says the other chefs have pushed him to get to know himself even more. He says it’s been hard being away from his son for so long.

Next time: Paula Deen! The ousted chefs are back…including motherfucking Fabio and dbag Marcel. Redemption is slipping away. Far, far away. Bye, redemption.

Top Chef All Stars: Arrivederci e Sbarazzarsi*

Eh, Spicy Meatloaf!
Perhaps this will stem the tide
Of obnoxious tweets?

Good morning, cow tongues. How are you this morning?

I’m a little torn. I was in such a good mood last night when I went to bed. And then I woke up this morning, ripped unceremoniously from a dream about vintage pants by the sound of my alarm, and feeling like ass.

So this may not turn out to be the “woooooOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOO Fabio is GONE!” party you were expecting when you woke up this morning. Please know that I’m still feeling that way on the inside –it’s just that the “woooooOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOO” is buried under about six layers of phlegm and some serious confusion about why, even in a dream, I’d be so attached to such ugly pants.

Let’s talk generalities: I liked the episode. Not just for the obvious no more Fabio type reasons, but because I thought it was funnier and more engaging than a lot of the episodes this season. Was it the best challenge? No. Was it even a fairly designed challenge, considering that most of them had to make fairly standard, All-American style comfort food, and one chef had to make. . .beef tongue? No. But it was interesting, and it moved quickly, and frankly it was a lot more fun to hear all of Higgins’ jokes than it was Lorraine Bracco’s endless supply of Goodfella’s stories.

Sorry, Lorraine Bracco. I still love you.

But I also love Jimmy Fallon. Have for a long time, even through all the laughing at his own jokes and cocaine rumors and crappy movies with Queen Latifah. When he first started doing "Weekend Update," a friend and I had a plan where we were going to drive to New York, kidnap him, and make him choose between the two of us. So it was great to see him. I realize he has less than zero in terms of food cred, but I thought he comported himself fairly well – like he and his wife really do enjoy the show and pay attention to it, and he brought what he’d learned from the show to the experience of judging.

And then there’s the obvious: woooooOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOO Fabio is GONE!

I need to go back and watch or read about Season 5 again at some point and try to remind myself why I liked Fabio so much, because he has been so ruined for me at this point that I no longer understand it. I don’t think I’ve ever done this much of a reverse-o on a reality contestant before without meeting them in person.

It’s the same phenomenon at work here, though, even if it’s not quite “real life” and it’s in the opposite direction from usual. I know – we all know now, after sitting through this much reality programming – that we’re seeing one hour out of every 48 they shoot. And generally, I’ll find that the other 1410 minutes per day, they’re ok people – it’s just that the douchey comments they made were easier for the editors to sound-bite-itize.

In Fabio’s case, however, they seem to have selected the 30 minutes per day where he seemed charming. . .from a deluge of this:

So, Fabio, I’m sure your food is great. It looks great. I’d love to try it sometime.

But you, sir, are an immature, self aggrandizing douchebag, and a sore loser. You have both the self awareness and the sense of humor of an average middle schooler.

And (I can’t believe I’m about to do this) it’s insane to me that people are up Isabella’s ass about how much weight he’s gained between seasons, but no one’s mentioning how puffy and greasy you’ve gotten. You are not aging well, paisan’. Don’t count on living off of your “looks” and “charm” too much longer.

Look what you made me do, Fabio. You made me kind of stand up for Mike Isabella. That's what I'll really never forgive you for.

I really should’ve stayed up to put the finishing touches on this last night when I was all happy and celebratory instead of waiting to wake up and do it this morning. But, I suppose, how was I to know that I’d have red eyes and a scratchy throat and a cat hell bent on continuing her campaign to single-paw-edly remove the framed Vertigo poster from the bedroom wall by whacking at it (I just screamed at her to stop it or she’s a hat, then realized it’s a good thing I don’t have children).

Once again, we open in the Top Chef bar after the judges’ table. I don’t know that I like this opening scenario – it seemed more natural to do this sort of post-morteming of the previous challenge while they were still in the stew room instead of trying to convince us that they all duck round to their local after a challenge and hash things out there. Particularly since – as I just noticed last night – more than half of them aren’t drinking. I saw one close up of a cocktail to launch the scene, then realized that Carla, Tiffany, Angelo, Fabio, and Antonia are all drinking coffee out of paper cups.

But to stick to the reality the show is trying to create: they’re at the bar talking about the previous challenge. Dale reflects that he could’ve easily gone home. Fabio continues harping on Antonia’s “French” mussel dish. Mike tries to join in, which is HI-larious since his dish was on the bottom, regardless of nationality.

Credits

They enter the Top Chef kitchen, where there are a bunch of fondue pots and wine glasses lined up. Fondue pots make Richard think of “bellbottoms and high heels and maybe being naked” because his parents “definitely went to a nude fondue party. For sure.” I get the feeling Richard’s parents had a very different ‘70s experience than mine did. I think. I hope. No one dare tell me otherwise.

So Padma tells them that their quickfire challenge is to make fondue – but it has to be creative and unique. And their guest judge is. . .each other. . They have to vote for their favorites and least favorites, but they can’t vote for themselves and immunity is off the table. AND the winner wins a 3 day trip to Napa Valley. Antonia is worried about this because she doesn’t think people will be honest.

Fondue flurry! Isabella charmingly tells us that he was “born in the 70s, so I don’t know anyone who went to these gay fondue parties.” Oh, THERE’s the Mike Isabella we all remember from season 6. Antonia is basing one on a New York deli. Blais is doing exactly what Padma said not to and making chocolate and bananas.

“I don’t remember hearing about a lot of fondue parties in the south,” Tiffany deadpans. Hee. Fabio is basing his on memories of skiing, and Dale is making a Pho based “Pho-ndue.” Love it. I have issues with food wordplay when it’s stupid, like all the forced DC references last year, but when it’s on it’s ON. I like Dale more with every passing week. Angelo is doing a “deconstruction of a beet and goat cheese salad with endive.” Oh barf. Way to ruin goat cheese, Angelo (and yes I realize he’s hardly the first person to put beets and goat cheese together, but he’s the one on my screen at the moment so it’s ALL HIS FAULT). Anyway, something seems to go wrong with it, which I cannot help but consider karmic justice.

Time! They all get a glass of wine to start with, and then begin with Richard’s Bananas with Amaretto, Ras El Hanout, Chili Chocolate, Liquid Nitrogen. Continuing the theme of eating dessert first, they move to Tiffany’s station and have Apple Ricotta Fritter with Hazelnut Chocolate, which Blais finds Pedestrian.

Angelo explains his Walnuts, Endive with Goat Cheese Fondue, and Beet Juice Shooter. BLEAH. You want to know the only thing that makes me hate beets more than the fact that THEY COULD KILL ME? When I was 8, and we went to look at the house I would end up spending the rest of my growing up years in, the wife of the couple who owned it at the time was making pickled beets in their kitchen. It stank to high fucking hell. “I don’t want to live here,” I told my parents, and I remained convinced of this until I saw the ceramic lightswitch plate hand painted with violets (my birth flower) in the bedroom that would eventually be mine.

And then that horrible old woman took the lightswitch plate with her. She stank up the house with her briney death vegetables, and then stole the one thing I liked about it off the wall.

Anyway, Dale thinks Angelo’s dish is too complicated, which given the massive therapy bill it just ran up for me, I’m going to agree with. Carla’s far less traumatic fondue is is a Beef Tenderloin and Shrimp with Coconut Lime Curry Sauce.

Dale explains his “Pho-ndue”: Pho with Beef, Bread, Charred Ginger, Lime, Sriracha and Broth, then we move to Mike’s Spiced Lamb Kabobs with Mint and Chili, Feta Cheese Fondue. Antonia doesn’t like it, and thinks Mike wouldn’t know what to do if you took away lamb and Moroccan spices. I wonder if he knows what to do even WITH those ingredients, given that the idea of melted feta fondue makes me gag a little bit (and I LOVE feta like whoa, so it’s not even that). Antonia has made Smoked Salmon on Toast, Fromage Blanc and Crème Fraîche Fondue. And we finish up with Fabio’s Billini with Caviar, Crème Fraîche, Fromage Blanc and Bourdain Wine. Padma hands each of them a ballot. Richard thinks he’d win if there was a judge rather than the other cooks. Dale is trying to be honest “like New York Times reviewer up in this bitch.” Heh. See, this and his food and the whole not punching things and yelling are really winning me over. Commercial.

Back. Padma tells Fabio, Tiffany and Mike that they were the least favorites, and asks Dale why he had Mike on the bottom. He says the spice and feta didn’t work for him. Mike interviews that Dale is a “fucking monkey” for putting him in the bottom. CHARMING. Tiffany says she knows there were dishes worse than hers.

The top three were Antonia, Dale, and Angelo. Angelo is surprised. Blais thinks he didn’t get votes because the other chefs were intimidated. And the winner is. .. Dale! Yay! He says he doesn’t want to rub it in anyone’s face that he won, because “they know what’s up.”

Padma tells them that they have a very special treat for them. . .at Rockefeller Center, where they’ll find out more about their elimination challenge. So they head for 30 Rock, and end up outside a door where people are screaming.

We cut to the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon set, where he’s telling the audience that they’ll be playing “Cell Phone Shoot-Out.” The chefs are going to be the contestants. Everyone is excited and confused. I’m confused by how they managed to shoot this months ago – did they film it, not use it, and make the whole audience sign waivers saying they wouldn’t reveal which chefs were still in at that point.

I’m also confused about the whole “Cell Phone Shoot Out” thing, because I’ve never actually watched Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. This pains me, because as I mentioned earlier, I have long loved Mr. Jimmy Fallon. Also, the clips I’ve seen from the show are routinely hilarious, and involve excellent things like this:



But the thing is, it is on so late, and I am so old and so lame. I rarely manage to stay awake through the first interview segment on Conan – generally I fall asleep at about the point where he starts asking questions and wake up horribly disoriented at some point during Lopez Tonight, just long enough to wonder why Conan is now Mexican and not as funny, and turn the TV off. And even if I DO manage to stay up that late by some dint of sheer will power or insomnia, he’s on opposite Craig Ferguson, who I also love and find hilarious.

Thankfully, the rules of “Cell Phone Shoot Out” are explained for me and the other old lame people in the Top Chef audience: they have to pull out their cell phones and take a picture of images on a screen as they flash by. Whatever they get a picture of, they have to make for Jimmy’s birthday lunch the next day.

Antonia and Fabio go first, and Antonia gets beef tongue. She tells Jimmy she’s “very excited about the tongue,” then admits to the interviewer that she has no idea how to cook beef tongue. Fabio gets a hamburger and French fries (on top of the burger). Fabio has “never done a boorgor,” and can’t even pronounce it.

We then get a montage of other chefs shooting, and learn what they end up with: Angelo gets pulled pork; Tiffany has chicken and dumplings; Richard will make Ramen; Mike is doing sausage and peppers; Dale pulls a Philly cheese steak; and Carla shoots herself a chicken pot pie. Carla freaks out with excitement that she’s going to get to make pot pie; apparently she’s been talking about this for days now.

Higgins explains the rules of Jimmy’s birthday lunch: they’ll shop tonight and have 2 hours to cook tomorrow at Colicchio and Sons before the party. Jimmy hates mushrooms, mayonnaise, and eggplant. Oh, and his whole family will be there.

The chefs bust out of 30 Rock and head to Whole Foods for 45 minutes of shopping. Budget please? Hm, why doesn’t Top Chef tell us how much they’re spending on Jimmy Fallon’s lunch? Anyway, Carla thinks winning this challenge, which would be her 3rd win, would show she’s a force to be reckoned with. Um, YEAH. If your third win out of 9 elimination challenges doesn’t convince people that you’re a contender they’re just not paying attention. Dale is nervous about doing a Philly cheesesteak, but he’s doing a twist—putting it on a pretzel roll. Fabio is approaching the “boorgor” as though it was a meatball.

And then they go back to the penthouse for a commercial – I mean, to totally casually and normally make some Buitoni product placement pasta for dinner. Ok, the lobster and shrimp ravioli that they show Antonia opening up are pretty nast – I bought a packet when they first came out because that’s not the sort of thing I make for myself. The texture is a mess, and if you try to eat them in normal portions and keep some for leftovers you make yourself a sick puppy.

As they endure....erm, enjoy their pasta, Richard is kind of psyching himself out about how he didn’t understand the pain of losing last time around, and has to win this time or his time on Top Chef would’ve been unsuccessful. Eek. Commercial.

Back. The chefs are waking up the next morning. Dale complains about living with Angelo since he’s a pretty boy with his “well manicured 5 o’clock shadow.” He adds “I still think I’m a better chef, even though he’s a stunning man.”

The chefs head to Colicchio and Sons. Angelo says he hasn’t been working toward his strength, which is flavor. He makes a spice blend for his pulled pork. Antonia has been getting advice for how to cook tongue in 2 hours from Richard. Mike thinks Richard helps other people too much. He’s doing his sausage and peppers “Fenway style” because he thinks Jimmy Fallon is from Boston. Um…no. Mike apparently doesn’t know the difference between "acting" and "real,
and has conflated Brooklyn-born Jimmy Fallon with his Bostonian characters from Saturday Night Live and Fever Pitch. Dale is nervous about the seasoning for the Philly Cheesesteaks –he says the comments from last week about his food being bland are still weighing on him.

Tiffany worries that she’s been all over the place in the competition. She’s making Southwestern style chicken and dumplings. Carla is feeling the pressure about being so stoked to get the pot pie, and now she has to make it in two hours. Dale doesn’t think she’ll make it.

Padma, Tom, and Gail wander up to the restaurant followed shortly by Jimmy Fallon and his wife and a bunch of Jimmy’s family and writers and everything. Padma appears to be wearing the dress I wore to my 8th birthday party in 1985.

15 minutes! Fabio is melting the cheddar for his boorgor and putting it on the side. Antonia thinks her tongue tastes great.

Service! Padma introduces the judges – herself, Tom, Gail, and Jimmy Fallon. They first things they’re served are Antonia’s Beef Tongue, Pumpernickel Rye, Caramelized Onions and Dill Slaw and Fabio’s Hamburger, Melted Cheddar Cheese Sauce and Fries.

The diners tuck in. Jimmy thinks Fabio’s Boorgor is almost meatloaf like, and Gail doesn’t think it has juiciness. Tom doesn’t like it, and isn’t crazy about the cheese sauce.

Jimmy then explains that he doesn’t like mayonnaise because he once got his head stuck in a fence, and his grandmother poured mayonnaise all over him to lube him up so they could pop his head out. He does like Antonia’s tongue, though, and Gail agrees. Higgins says she “licked the challenge.”

Back in the kitchen, Tiffany is excited about her dish, but Richard is nervous about his Ramen noodles, but thinks this is his chance to show he doesn’t need “a helmet, 40 pounds of dry ice and a flame thrower to make my food exciting.”

Service. Richard explains his Ramen Noodles with Seared Pork Belly, Duck Legs and Duck Egg and then Tiffany talks about her Chicken, Dumplings with Poblano Chilies, Red Peppers, Cilantro, and Lime.

The guests get to slurping on their Ramen. Jimmy’s dad thinks he did a good job and liked the egg. Jimmy was expecting more fireworks from a Richard dish, and feels like Richard “bunted.” He thought Tiffany’s dumplings were too spicy, and his head writer calls it “tortilla soup with some dough in it.”

Back to the kitchen, where Carla runs around squawking. Dale works at keeping Carla’s flailing arms away from his food. And the two of them head out and present Carla’s Chicken Pot Pie with Carrots, Celery, Pea Salt and Herbs and Dale’s Philly Cheesesteak on a Pretzel Roll, Hot Sauce, Onions, and Cheddar Cheese.

The diners chow down on the cheese steak. Jimmy’s mom thinks it’s tender, but Jimmy says there’s too much salt. Gail does however like the onions with the buffalo wing sauce, but agrees that it’s too salty. The head writer likes the pea salt on Carla’s pot pie. Tom refuses to critique Carla’s pot pie because he’s “too busy eating.” Damn I think that’s a first -- Tom motherfucking Colicchio so engrossed in a chef’s food that he passes on the opportunity to say something. Carla must’ve honored the shit out of that chicken.

In the kitchen, Angelo feels great about his pork sandwiches, then accuses Mike of knocking them over. So the next round consists of Angelo’s Pulled Pork with Coffee, Dill, Allspice and Chipotle Rub, Coleslaw (featuring an embarrassingly mispronounced “chipoltay”) and Mike’s Sausage, Peppers, Onions, Garlic, Fennel, and Paprika.

Jimmy says Angelo’s pork is a home run, and Tom says the sauce is amazing. Higgins makes a joke about pulling his own pork. Gail loved how the sausage and peppers were so thin and soaked up the juices. Higgins also loved Mike’s sausage.

The diners toast each other and thank the chefs, who appear with a birthday cake for Jimmy. It’s an ice cream cake, his favorite. He says this was the best birthday lunch he’s had, and the winner will also get a cooking segment on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback! Jimmy asks Gail how things are at Food & Wine, and talks about how they once asked him for his mom’s recipes and she gave him a cheesecake recipe. . .that she’d gotten from Food & Wine. Wah-wah.

Back for reals. The chefs gather in the stew room. Carla is still hyped up about the competition and mimics how she ran around squawking like a bird. Padma, in the dress I wore to my 8th birthday party in 1985, calls back Carla, Angelo, and Antonia.

The three of them head to judges table, where Padma congratulates them on having the best dishes. Jimmy thanks them for making him the “greatest birthday lunch ever.” He and Tom compliment the sauce on Angelo’s pork. They talk about how great Carla is for putting crust on the bottom of the pot pie (I endorse this, by the way – pot pie without the bottom crust to chase the juices around with is some bullshit), and Jimmy says he could tell there was love in it. Ugh. Tom tells Antonia she did a great job with the beef tongue, especially in the short time. The chefs then sing a beef tongue song.

Jimmy announces that the winner is. . .Carla! Yay!! She flips out and flaps around some more. Padma tells her that in addition to going on Jimmy’s show, she gets a 6 night trip to Hilton Tokyo and $5000 for airfare. Carla continues flapping excitedly. Eventually, she achieves lift-off, and then flies herself to Tokyo. It is unclear from Bravo’s rules and regulations whether Carla’s ability to fly will mean that she can use the $5000 for something other than airfare, or whether she forfeits it altogether.

They return to the back, where Carla calls in Tiffany, Fabio, and Dale. Carla tells the remaining chefs that she’s going to Tokyo. Richard says it’s interesting to see the others “worked up” about Carla winning her 3rd trip and 3rd elimination challenge, but points out that you don’t have to win until the end. Eh. A little unsportsmanlike and defensive, I think. We’re not seeing the most flattering view of Blais this evening.

The bottom 3 file into the Judges’ room. Padma tells them they had the least favorite dishes. They begin with Tiffany. Tom says her dumplings were flat, and she acknowledges that she rolled them too thin.

Padma tells Fabio that he treated the hamburger patty too much like a meatball, and Gail says it was missing the “juicy beefy meatness.” Please, Gail – it may be 10 o’clock, but this is still a family show. Tom says the cheese sauce was the worst thing on the plate.

Jimmy then says he had to drink a keg of beer to make up for the saltiness of Dale’s sandwich, and Gail says that between the salt on the bread and the salt in the sauce…it was too much. He admits that he let the “bland” criticism from the last challenge get into his head.

The judges deliberate. Gail says Tiffany masked the chicken with “everything else” in the dish. Jimmy didn’t get the “doughiness” or the “graviness” that he wanted. Fabio’s boorgors were not burgers. The focus of the dish fell short. Dale’s dish was great on the first bite, but then the salt kicked in and destroyed the dish. They have an answer. Jimmy seems to be in some sort of physical agony about it. Commercial.

Back! Tom recaps their shortcomings: Tiffany made a clear soup with flat noodles; Fabio gave them dry meatloaf instead of a juicy burger; Dale’s was oversalted.

Padma tells. . .Fabio to pack his knives and go. I scream “YESSSSSS!” and scare the cat.

He then threatens to cook a boorgor for Jimmy Fallon in the future that will make him beg for forgiveness (and by forgiveness he means "his life"), and says people should look to him for “consistency and poorsorveerance” and tells people they’re “the only shadow standing in your own sonshine.”

Next! Muppets! Elmo! Cookie! It’s Me kind of place! Target! I’m still shopping. And then. . .wait. Is that Ken Jeong?(please don’t tell me it’s an Asian chef I know but am confusing with Ken Jeong because I’m secretly racist. . .and/or obsessed with Community).

*roughly "goodbye and good riddance"