Top Chef All Stars: Congratumalations, Richard! PHEW!

Richard wins All Stars And all is right with the world Riots averted

Well, THAT was a relief of Brobdignagian proportions, am I right my croccantes? (sidebar: I don't know what's up with the formatting, and I've wasted half the morning trying to fix it, so. . .sorry, but you're stuck)

Because I was convinced that they were going to fuck this thing up again. Because think about it: for every time that a clear favorite has won (and putting my own pro-Michael Voltaggio bias aside for a moment, I will concede that that has happened twice – with Harold and with Stephanie), there have been an equal or greater number of times when some dumb schlub you just wanted to punch in the face staggered ass backwards into the finale and somehow managed to handle the pressure better than people who’d schooled his ass time and time again (and here I am talking Kevin and Hosea, with dishonorable mention to Season 2, where I can’t believe that by the finale, anyone wanted EITHER Ilan or Marcel to win).

And given how close the judging seemed to cut it this time, I’m convinced that there are exactly two reasons this happened:

1) They didn’t want to get hosed –or rather, Hosea-d – again. Remember that the finale taped in late January/early February. By this time, we’d had almost two months (ALREADY! TWO MONTHS!!) of Top Chef All Stars under our loosened belts. They’d had time to watch the first several rounds of the competition, to remind themselves “oh, that’s right. No one likes that guy. And he’s gross. Hmmmm,” and make up their minds to avoid anointing back-to-back (and for some of you, back-to-back-to-back-to-back) winners who seemed unworthy.

2) Two words: Beet. Salad. Because if both dinners really were that great, if it really did come down to two courses each and a close shave on a few of those courses, then the difference is ultimately going to come down to the fact that one chef served you inventive food with a vision and the other served you a first course that can be found in every freaking steakhouse and Applebees in the universe, then you come down on the side of innovation. No matter how good a beet salad is, it is a beet. Salad. It is in danger of passing its brethren – Cobb, Caesar, and Caprese – in terms of ubiquity and overdoneness. It is the exact opposite of innovation.

(And yes, part of this is my personal bias against beets and their tendency to KILL ME DEAD, but most of it is just that I am sick of seeing beet salad all over every menu. Come on, America – can’t we move on to the next disgusting trend ingredient already? Anyone who thought that something that passé had a place in the finale …look, for that alone, he should be busted back to the first rounds, and Jen or Tiffani GIVEN his place in the finale just for having ten times the brains)

Anyway. Congratulations, Richard! It’s always nice when these things end right-side up, and enjoy the $200,000. I hope I get the chance to test whatever you end up doing with it, and I hope it’s better than fLiP Burger (which was good, but not even cracking the top 10 in terms of burgers I’ve had in my lifetime. Sorry).

And congratulations, Carla!!!! for winning Fan Favorite. It’s nice to see that particular wrong set right, although I’m disappointed that il douche* came in second, and that that many people are still falling for his “charm.”

So can we get going on this? Because mostly, I’m just glad it’s over. This has been a long, loooooong season, and as far as I can tell it gave up on being interesting months ago. So let’s just plow toward the finish line.

We open at the end of last week’s episode with Mike filling Richard in on how close the judges’ said the last challenge was, and then saying some nonsense about how “I’m going to beat Richard, I’m a better cook than he is, period.” Richard says he would’ve rather gone up against Antonia because he’s beaten her once before. So they both look kind of like assholes in this scene.

Padma and Tom enter and congratulate them on making the finale. And then it’s already time for the final challenge: create the restaurant of their dreams for the judges.

We cut to the credits – a modified final finale version where the two finalists say a bunch of things that don’t matter and make very little sense about their journeys and their talent and each other.

Back to the Bahamian stew room. The chefs will be creating a four course tasting menu to reflect their dream restaurant. Padma will give them the rest of the details in the morning. Mike gives his soundbite about how he quit his job and missed his honeymoon to be there.

So let’s talk about this challenge for a second. Part of me thinks good call – it’s All Stars. They should be doing something a little different, a little more challenging just to show that they merit the title. And a mini-restaurant wars is a nice spin to put on that. But the other part of me thinks that it’s the finale, and that having the finale challenge – either the “cook the meal of your life” of classic Top Chef or the “cook a meal that is your journey as a chef” (so literally the meal of your life) iteration from Masters is a part of that experience.

But no one asked, me, so….

The next morning in their hotel room, the guys argue about which of them is the underdog. I have a hard time paying attention to this segment since I’m trying so hard not to look at the screen – Mike is holding a pillow over his junk and wearing tan/beige shorts that are too close to his skin color, and it looks like he’s pantsless. I have such a thing about people wearing clothes that are too close to their skin color – it never fails to skeeve me out – and in this case. . .well, the only thing that could possibly touch shirtless Mike in terms of fodder for my nightmares is apparently pantsless Mike.

We cut to the kitchen, where Padma instructs every other chef from the season to cook an amuse bouche.

Back at the hotel, the finalists talk about who they’d want as their sous chefs if they had the entire field of contestants to choose from. Mike would want Jen Carroll. They both agree that they wouldn’t want Jamie, both because “she’s Jamie and she’s slow.”

They arrive in the kitchen, where the other chefs, having created their amuses, greet them with applause. The finalists will be picking their 3 favorite amuses to determine their sous chefs. . .but they’ll be picking them blind.

NICE. This twist is one of my two favorite parts of the episode – I’ve often thought they should do something like this, and it’s a particularly good idea in this situation where they’ve all seen each other’s strengths and weaknesses for a long time, and where personality clashes date back years in some cases.

The two finalists taste. Richard can’t match the chefs to the dishes. Mike continues talking about how much he wants Jen, because they work well together and she’s a beast in the kitchen. This is interesting, considering our very first introduction to Mike, wayyyyy back in August of 2009, was him saying that Jen – “a girl” shouldn’t be beating him at oyster shucking. Yeah, I hold a grudge, you fat sexist fuck. Deal with it.

Mike also says that he doesn’t want Marcel. If karma ruled the universe, he would get Marcel. Richard wants Dale T and Angelo or Jen.

Richard picks first, pulling Spike’s ceviche of squid. I’m pleased for our little Spikey, getting picked first based on the quality of his food in a blind taste test (because I AM capable of forgiving people who show that they aren’t the walloping fuckbags they originally seemed). Mike picks the yogurt curry, which is Tiffani F.’s. Richard’s next choice is a chicken dish, which is Angelo’s. Mike picks Jamie’s pork tenderloin. Richard’s final pick is an egg dish, which is Antonia’s. He’s thrilled at first but worried she’s been cut to recently to have her head in the game. Mike’s final pick is a tropical salsa, which is Carla’s. He then refers to his ladies as “his angels” as in Charlie's Angels. Pbbbblt. Being a cheerful avuncular sexist douche doesn’t make you less of a sexist douche, Mike, you sexist douche.

They have an hour to plan today and five hours to cook tomorrow before opening their restaurants for 70 customers and a panel of judges.

Mike is calling his restaurant “Is.” His ideas are inspired by things he grew up with. Richard’s restaurant will be called “Tongue & Cheek,” and all the menu items will have a dual meaning. Mike feels like “all the pressure’s on Blais, and the bottom line is I’m gonna out cook him.” Blais says that Mike’s strengths are his confidence and bravado…and his weaknesses are the same things.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs turn up in the kitchen the next day with 5 hours to cook. Mike is cooking at Seafire at the Atlantis. He says he wouldn’t have been mature enough in Vegas to handle this challenge.

Richard is at Café Martinique, trying to cook delicious food that shows he’s “over creativity for creativity’s sake.” He thinks he’s a better leader now and a better team player.

Mike drills his servers and chooses some wines. It’s boring. He’s setting up his chefs in stations – Tiffani on fish, Jamie on cold, and Carla on dessert and then up front.

Richard feels like he has four proteins on every dish. He has also decided to do an amuse in addition to his four courses. He worries that he might be doing too much. He has Angelo doing mise for the cold dishes, Antonia doing the vegetables, and Spike on dessert and front of house. He drills his servers and chooses some wines.

One hour forty seven minutes left. Richard is concerned about the dessert because he feels like it’s not thought through enough. He switches from Cap’n Crunch to foie gras ice cream. This makes me wish I’d had the foie gras shake when I went to fLiP Burger, because then I’d have an idea of what this ice cream would be like in terms of a flavor experience.

Tom thru! It’s kind of the meanest Tom thru ever – he basically goes to each restaurant and tries to psych them out by reminding Mike he hasn’t been in the finale before and Richard that he blew up during his.

Richard’s sous chefs are being collaborative – taking his dishes and making them better. Jamie tells us that Mike is concerned about the first course. Back at Café Martinique, Spike has his douche hat back on and is readying to hit the front of the hosue. Richard worries that he’ll fail again, and end up always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

The diners enter Tongue & Cheek. Ooh, it’s Lidia Bastianach and Hubert Keller! Commercial. Back! Richard is worried about the Raw Oyster with Lemon Horseradish Ice Cream and Salsa Verde amuse, but decides to serve it. Padma introduces Lidia, Hubert, Albert Portale and Bill Terlato. They eat their oysters, and are all pleased. Keller finds it “refreshing and creamy” and Portale says it has sophistication. Spike, who is lingering “subtly” behind the judge’s table goes back and reports to Richard that they loved the dish.

The first course, Raw Hamachi with Fried Veal Sweetbreads, Asian Pear, Pickled Radish, and Garlic Mayonnaise is served. That sounds like an interesting combination to me, though I have to admit that sweetbreads are one of those things I still just can’t bring myself to eat. I’ll try, and it’ll hit my mouth, and I’ll go “nope. You are glands. You can’t fool me,” and I’ll go back to eating my black pudding, or whatever else is on my plate that I find less disturbing than sweetbreads.

Anyway, Terlato says he loves the portion size – which may be the lamest critique of a dish ever uttered on Top Chef -- and the different elements. Tiffany, Tre, and Dale T. seem to be enjoying it as well.

At Restaurant Is, Carla greets some of the other competitors, and Gail, Tom, Curtis Stone and Art Smith (ugh). Mike presents his first course Spiced Beets with Mozzarella, Chocolate, and Truffle Vinaigrette. Or, in other words, beet salad. Already, he’s lost me. Art Smith finds the chocolate very subtle, and Tom thinks Mike is off to a good start. They get concerned, though about the amount of time they’re waiting for the second course: Halibut with Kumquats Marmalade, Cauliflower Puree, and Pancetta Crumbs. Tom says it’s nice looking, and the best cooked piece of fish he’s had on the show.

Back at Café Martinique/Tongue & Cheek, Richard is making “the prettiest food that I’ve put out on All Stars.” His second course is Pork Belly with a Black Cod Cutlet, Bone Marrow, Beets, Brussels Sprouts, and Kumquat. I didn’t hear about the beets during the TV airing, and my reaction was “YUM. YUUUUUMMMM.” But reading the description this morning and learning that there are beets in there, I just want to throw something. The diners think he did a great job with the dish. Spike assures Richard that they loved it.

Richard sends out the third course, Beef Short Rib with Mushrooms, Red Cabbage Marmalade, and Celery Root Horseradish Puree. Holy God, that sounds delicious. Portale says it’s not creative, but the execution is good and it’s really delicious. Terlato thinks it brings out Richard’s personality./p>

Mike prepares his third course of Braised Pork Shoulder with Pepperoni Sauce, Rosted Cabbage, and Turnips. “Wow, that is a nice plate of food,” Curtis Stone says. “This is as good as anybody’s food in the finale. In fact it’s better than most,” Tom says. Sometimes I feel like Tom gets defensive about who makes the finales and protests a bit too much. The fourth dish is Rosemary Caramel Custard with Pine Nuts, Citrus, Cherry and Apple. Tom says it’s “slightly overcooked but also cooked too fast.” Art Smith likes the flavor, but doesn’t like the way it feels in his mouth (thatswhatshesaid).

Richard’s fourth course is Cornbread with Foie Gras Ice Cream and Whipped Mango. He’s concerned about the foie gras ice cream. The diners like the cornbread, but aren’t impressed with the ice cream, but don’t think the foie gras adds much. Hubert thinks Richard did extremely well, but feels like the dessert was too built up.

Mike thinks he put out four perfect courses. The chefs both prepare for the second group of judges. Tom thinks Mike did a great job except for the wait between the first two courses. The judges swap restaurants. Richard is worried and trying to save the ice cream.

Commercial! Back! Finale Fake Back! The sous chefs talk about the two finalists. Jamie says Mike and Richard deserve to be there. Tiffani says Mike has a hell of a shot at it. Carla says she respects Mike as a chef and has seen his growth. Angelo says Richard is one of the best chefs in the country, and Antonia says she has a lot of respect for him. Spike.. .says nothing? What? Why no Spike interview, Bravo?

Really back. The Padma group of diners files into Restaurant Is, and sit down to the beet salad. They think the chocolate vinegar is clever. They enjoy the fish, and think it shows a lot of finesse.

Over at Tongue & Cheek, the Tom group sits down to their plates. They enjoy the oyster amuse, and think the fish has a beautiful texture and nice flavor. Mike’s pork dish is called brilliant and delicious by the second group, and Terlato sees a “grandmother’s influence” in his rosemary shortbread, which he didn’t see in Richard’s “foie gras ice cream.”

Back at Tongue & Cheek, the shortrib wakes Gail right up. Art Smith says he was skeptical on the foie gras ice cream, but thinks it’s subtle and well done.

Service finished, Mike and Richard file into the stew room. There’s a lot of bravado and nervous giggling from Mike and a lot of twitchiness from Richard and they file off to judges’ table.

Padma starts by telling them they both did a wonderful job, and Tom calls it the best food they’ve had in any finale. Gail tells Mike there was a “subtlety, and understatedness, almost a femininity” to his food. Mike thinks his steamed fish was the strongest dish, and Tom agrees. Gail thinks his pepperoni sauce was genius. Tom says his custard had bubbles in it, but all in all he did a great job.

Gail tells Richard he hit them with “the most intense extraordinary flavor course after course after course.” Hubert compliments the amuse, and Tom tells him the second course was strong and clean. Padma thinks the black cod was flawless and Tom says the beef was safe but perfectly done. Tom asks about the difference in the service on the foie gras ice cream, and Richard explains his correction.

Then they do the “why do you think you deserve to win” bullshit that I hate SO MUCH. Mike says something about his wife supporting him and how he can’t explain it. Richard says he hopes he showed creativity and whimsy and his newfound understanding of the pleasure principle, and how it’s not about him, it’s about the guests. He says winning would give him the opportunity something that he wants to do as a chef.

That is as good an answer as you can ever hope to get to that stupid, bullshit question, and a good illustration of why Richard deserves to win and Mike doesn’t: there is a thoughtfulness and a philosophy to Richard’s food that Mike does not have the capacity to imitate or articulate. It’s the difference between a craftsman and a draftsman, and as much as I hate hate HAAAATE the “why do you deserve” nonsense, I’m glad it was able to elicit such a typifying answer from both of them.

They send the cheftestants back. “going to be a tough one” Hubert whispers to Padma. “I know,” she says, caressing his shoulder. That’s sweet. It’s like she’s his nice, hot aunt preparing him for a tough day at school.

In back, the chefs are sitting quietly after some of the usual talk happens . They hear a noise in the hallway, and then Mike’s wife, mom, and sister enter, and Richard’s uncle comes in. There’s some hugging.

Back in the judges’ chamber Gail says she was impressed by both chefs. Tom is on the fence – he loved both meals. Padma loves Richard’s amuse, and Tom gives Richard the first course because Mike’s salad couldn’t compete with the himachi.

They also call Richard for the second course. Tom backtracks on saying Mike’s fish was the best fish he’s had on Top Chef, pointing out “I tasted that before I tasted Richard’s.”

Dayyyym. That must have been some good fish to unseat something that was “the best ever” moments earlier.

They all loved both chefs’ braised courses, but nothing in Gail’s dish blew Richard away the way Mike’s pepperoni sauce did. Hubert would order Mike’s dessert of the two, but Gail and Tom both opt for Richard’s – clearly the improvement made a difference. Padma and Hubert contend that everyone at their table was more open to Mike’s.

So it’s the first two courses for Richard’s and the last two for Mike’s – although, let’s be more honest than the judges here: it sounds like the two courses they call for Richards were clear calls, and the ones they call for Mike were closer. Gail says she’d eat at Mike’s restaurant during the week and Richard’s on the weekend. Tom babbles something and says “there’s one restaurant we prefer.” “I think we have a new top chef,” Padma beams coyly.

Commercial! Back! Richard and Mike file back into the judges’ table room to the cheers of their families and fellow cheftestants. Tom tells them they fought it out all season and especially here. Richard has been steady all season; Mike came on strong in the Bahamas. He thinks they’ll both have long and successful careers, and either of them is worthy of the title.

Padma tells. .. Richard that he is Top Chef! Richard looks shocked, and everyone else looks happy except for Mike and his family – which is fine, it’s ok to look disappointed, but to a one they look stoneyfaced and really pissed off. This is not a group of people I would ever want to hang out with (although you could probably make a bundle playing poker with them since they seem universally unable to hide their feelings).

Richard says he didn’t think he could do it and that he willed it to happen. Mike says that to come in second was tough, and he feels like he beat Richard, he just didn’t get the prize. Oh, suck it, you dumb fuck. You lost. You lost by a close margin and to someone amazing, but you lost. Grow a pair and deal with it instead of grousing like the chunky toddler you seem hell bent on being your entire life.

Richard calls his wife from the interview room and tells her. That’s adorable. That may be my favorite moment in all of Top Chef history – it’s definitely my favorite moment in this episode. They should’ve just run that on a loop for an hour instead of making us sit through all of Richard’s twitching and Mike’s swaggering bullshit.

And so our long (FOUR MONTHS) national nightmare is nearly over, poppins. Next week: reunion! And the new season of Masters (which you will probably see a recap for Friday or Saturday, because Mama needs to sleep at some point).

*It’s a Mussolini joke. Get it?

Oh, Here Go Hell Come

I'm baffled, my little Godzillas. Utterly, utterly baffled. Mostly as to how I got into my head that a 5-7-5 poem was. . .a limerick. And how I didn't notice this problem despite the multiple times I had to correct "limerick" (because my inclination, for some reason, is to stick a second "m" in there). Facepalm Cat is ashamed of me. I can only guess that I must have accidentally left a significant chunk of my brain under the bed in my hotel in Naples (which I recomend thoroughly should you ever need a hotel in Naples). But I'm also baffled as to how it took days --DAYS!!!-- for anyone to point out this error? It's not rude to point out that people are wrong when they are, children. As long as it's handled kindly and/or with humor (as it was here), it's actually a nice thing to do.

Since there's no way to turn back the clock and make myself less of a moron, though, I thought we'd rectify things by balancing them out a little. And so I bring you: The Here Go Hell Come Haiku Happening

In which, to show that we can work with others better than our good friend Calvin Tran, fabulous prizes* will go to whoever can best complete this LIMERICK**.

Tonight in the FINAL finale
Two Top Chefs will both try to rally....

And the rest is yours, my little poets and poetesses. Two shorter lines with a B rhyme, then a final 9 syllable line with the A rhyme following the feet scheme I've laid out above (which as best I can figure out is kind of a glyconic variation but this is hardly the time to start getting bogged down in technical terms, so just pace it out yourself). Do with it what you will.

* Fabulous being an utterly relative term; they will probably be the same as offered for the previous "limerick" contest to the entry with the winning haiku.
** Best as determined by utterly democratic vote; entries will be accepted until 6 a.m. on the morning of April 2, with voting to take place between then and the airing of the reunion show.

Top Chef All Stars: It’s really the penultimate supper, but that didn’t have the same ring

(The title is a callback)

Antonia is out
Goodbye, last lady standing
Spicy Bento Box

So let’s get some business out of the way first: the winner of our First Ever Last Line Limerick Contest, with a staggering 3/5ths of the vote, is.... Anonymous 3/18, 1:44!

Goodbye, Tiffany
Near Invisible Woman
Conched out on the beach.

So congratulations, whoever you are. We’ll now have to establish some sort of way to identify who you are, and you can select from one of the following prizes:

1) A post detailing a recipe for a dish made following YOUR CHOICE of this week’s quickfire rules – either one pot, made from canned goods, or a hot dog. But not the later twists, unless you’re going to give me $5000 for it and send Carla and a two-headed apron to my apartment.

2) A bottle from my inaugural batch of homemade limoncello. Note: this will take at least 90 days from the time I start making it to be ready, and I make no guarantees about it not tasting like paint thinner and ass.

3) A dozen of Dale’s cookies.

It occurred to me as I was toasting my toast this morning, conchs, that the trouble with these later parts of All Stars is the opposite side of the coin to the great thing about the earlier parts of All Stars. Remember back in December, when it was shocking that a chef of Jen’s caliber could go out second, or when Season 5 kick-ass Jamie morphed into perpetually incompetent All Stars Jamie, or when a double elimination took out Stephen, predictably, but also Dale L., unexpectedly?

Those things were shocking because we knew those people. By virtue of knowing that these were all solid chefs, every episode’s elimination was a shocker.

And now? Nothing is shocking because. . .we know these people. Who among us didn’t see last week’s final four getting whittled down to this particular final three, and this week’s final three getting pared further to next week’s final two?

It’s all so set in stone at this point. It’s like they’re not even bothering to try with the show anymore; just ticking the predictable boxes.

And as I was writing that, I realized that another part of the problem was that this show has been going on since DECEMBER 2, people. Four months! Four months of this nonsense! It’s been four months since we moved from the weird but refreshing little palate cleanser of Top Chef Just Desserts (which was only on September 18- November 18, by the way, which may account for at least part of its refreshingness) into the interminable slog of Top Chef All Stars. FOUR GODDAMN MONTHS.

And to add insult to long festering injury, we're now subjected to a four fucking part finale, which I'm convinced is absolutely nothing more than a way for Padma, Tom, and Gail to maximize the time they spend in the Bahamas on Bravo's dime.

Between all those things, I’m really looking forward to the early rounds of Top Chef Masters, and the rotating crop of personalities. It’s going to be nice not to be stuck with the same assholes every week for a change.

And speaking of which. ..

So Mike Isabella is in the finale, and I threw up in my mouth a bit. Not because it wasn’t predictable – I would never have called it at the beginning of the season, but between his performance lately and the “look at me not being a douchebag [except for when I’m a douchebag]” edit he’s gotten as the season went on, it’s been pretty clear that this is the showdown they’ve been setting up for awhile now.

I was actually worried that with all the cousins nonsense, they were setting up a Mike v. Antonia twist for the finale. I should’ve known better, because god forbid they do something we couldn’t all see coming from a mile away, but I’m so relieved that that didn’t happen and that Blais is still in it that I can’t get too exercised about the fact that he’s competing against a lump of Crisco in breathing human-ish form.

But I am sad that Antonia’s gone. I thought she had a really strong showing this season, and I’m glad that they focused on the fact that she is an absolutely rock-out chef, and not just someone crying about her daughter at every opportunity.

Also, look back up at that picture. Look at those LEGS! DAMN, girl! I am jealous as hell, and I hope you keep those things unwrapped when they’re not in the kitchen in danger of being burned.

Let’s just get this over with, shall we?

We pick up at night, in the Bahamian stew room, with everyone saying nice things about Tiffany. She’s a warrior, apparently, and should be proud of what she did. Mike brags about how his back to back wins mean he’s getting hot now. Blais points out in an interview that Mike has won 2 challenges in each of his seasons; Richard’s won 8. Antonia is determined not to let the boys club dominate.

Credits! Weird version – I wasn’t watching too carefully, but it seemed like just the cheftestants, not the prize list, and that it was either not all the cheftestants or it was some weird sped-up version. Anyway.

In the actual show, Padma and Wolfgang Puck greet them in the kitchen for their final quickfire. Wolfgang Puck is still responsible for one of my all time favorite Top Chef moments, when he threw Laurine’s bacon donut across the room after saying it had the texture of a golf ball.

Padma tells them this day will be different than anything they’ve done in the past – Instead of having one quickfire, they’ve chosen 7 quickfires from past seasons, and they’ll assign them to each other. Hm. Half of me likes this idea a lot; the other half thinks that it just points out that they shouldn’t have given up the “classic quickfires” conceit so early on. I mean, when was the last time we saw that? And now there are seven left that would’ve been perfectly good? Come on, guys. And the THIRD half of me (shut it) thinks that it’s an opportunity for a really uneven challenge – some of these quickfires are bigger challenges than the others, and as Blais points out, one of them (tacos) is one that he won previously.

Anyway, Mike assigns “Canned Goods” from season 2 to Antonia. Antonia gives Hot Dogs from Season 5 to Richard. And Richard gives Mike “One Pot” from Season 5. He says this is because Mike has talked in the past about needing 6 or 7 sautee pans; Antonia thinks he’s given Mike too much latitude because he can make anything he wants as long as it’s in one pot.

Food flurry! Antonia is grabbing ingredients for their flavor. Mike is doing a spin on pork and beans using a pressure cooker as his one pot. Richard would love to make a homemade hotdog, but given the limited time he’s making his own bread and a curried ketchup sauce.

Padma enters, her bright yellow dress a beam of ominous sunlight in the kitchen. They get to assign a twist to each other – one handed cooking from season 2; finishing your dish without knives or hand tools (wait. . .when in hell did this one happen?); and the 3rd, the double apron twist from season 7, with Carla as your conjoined apron twin.

Richard assigns no utensils (which apparently happened earlier this season) to Mike. Antonia gives one handed to Richard; Antonia gets conjoined Carla.

They go back to work. Mike isn’t worried. He’s also…cooking something green in a saucepan while his pork and beans are still in the pressure cooker. That seems like a contradiction of the one pot rule. Antonia and Carla are tied together, and Richard is laboriously slicing limes with one hand. Antonia says Carla is a great resource as a second palate, and thinks she’s the best team member you could hope for.

Mike opens up his pressure cooker to find his meat undone. Richard isn’t thrilled with the way the flavors in his dish are turning out. Mike’s pork is a little tough.

Padma and Puck enter and begin tasting with Antonia’s Curry Soup with Dried Soft Andouille Sausage, Banana, Peanut, and Curry Sauce. She mispronounces Andouille in a bizarre way while introducing it. Puck says it has strong flavors, but good balance. Richard has made Curry Wurst with Handmade Roti Bread, Ketchup, Mayo, and Spice which Puck says he could feed to his kids at home. Mike presents his "Pork and Beans" -- Black Beans, Chili Paste, Ginger, and Cabbage Salad. Puck likes the balance.

Commercial

Back. Puck says that Richard’s was a bit too ketchupy, but a very nice “santwhich, if you vanna call it dat way.” Antonia’s soup was delicious but too concentrated; Mike’s was balanced but his pork was overcooked. And Mike wins, and gets $5000. Richard is feeling the pressure because Mike is “on fire.”

I think I'd prefer it if Mike was ACTUALLY on fire instead of just figuratively so.

Padma tells them they have special guests waiting for them at the Cloisters at the Ocean Club. Richard expects “aliens or rock stars,” but no; it’s the ubiquitous Michelle Bernstein who is contractually obligated to show her sour face on at least one episode of every season of Top Chef and talk about being Latin and/or Jewish for at least twelve minutes, Chef Morimoto, and Wolfgang Puck. They’ll be doing the “Last Supper” challenge from Season 5 where they have to prepare what the celebrity chef would want for their last meal. And just as in season 5, it’s not actually the Last Supper, since it’s not the finale.

Mike gets to choose first, and he chooses the ubiquitous Michelle Bernstein. He also gets to assign the other chefs. He gives Morimoto to Antonio to mess with her, and Wolfgang Puck to Richard. Antonia realizes this is a ploy to throw her off her game.

And here’s my issue with this challenge: like the quickfire, like the Fallon challenge, like…a few others this season that I can’t be assed to look up at this point…it’s really uneven. None of these chefs do Asian food, so whoever gets Morimoto immediately has a bigger challenge than the other two.

Padma tells them that there will be a surprise twist. She holds up an envelope and tells them it’ll be revealed later.

The chefs meet with their celebrity chefs. Puck wants to go back to his roots – apple strudel and spaetzle and goulash. Richard is scared of the strudel as he doesn’t have a recipe for the dough in his arsenal. The ubiquitous Michelle Bernstein chooses fried chicken, biscuits, and gravy, because it’s the antithesis of how she grew up. Mike is not worried about cooking fried chicken; he worries about giving her his take on it.

Morimoto gives Antonia very specific instructions for a Bento box his mother used to make him involving a rice dish, miso soup, and some kind of sashimi. We then see adorable pictures of him playing baseball in Japan as a teenager.

The chefs return to their hotel room, and Antonia points out that Mike has given it to her twice today (that’s what she said). Mike then claims that he and Blais got the tough ones, and he picked Michelle because she’d give him that’s the biggest challenge. That is such bullshit. I would cross the room and punch him in the face if he tried to pull that shit with me. He’s also making a flaky empanada instead of the biscuit Michelle asked for. Richard is also not going the purely traditional route. Antonia goes to bed and cries about wanting to be there at the end.
The next morning. They’re all stressed out and feel like throwing up. Antonia is having fits of nervous laughter.

They head to the kitchen and start working. Mike feels confident about his adaptation of Michelle’s dish. Antonia is worried about “creating a memory” from Morimoto’s description. Richard is stressing about the strudel.

Commercial!

Back! Tom thru! You know, one of the things that’s sadly lacking in recent seasons is the Tom thru on a regular basis. They need to bring that back – I miss hearing what he has to say. In this case, he says that Mike picked the easiest dish for himself. THANK YOU, Tom, for acknowledging in one compact phrase that this is a radically uneven challenge and that Mike is full of shit when claiming he has one of the harder challenges. He talks to Richard about Mike’s momentum, and thinks his willingness to embrace the challenge gives him an advantage. He thinks Antonia’s dish is a chance for redemption.

Antonia unwraps her hamachi, and finds it slimy and on the brink of going rancid. Richard is struggling with his pressure cooker, and worries about choking again.

As the sun goes down, the diners enter a lovely dining room for their ...dinner. Morimoto is wearing a lovely grey kimono, and the ladies are all wearing lovely pink and red and purple dresses. Padma introduces Melanie Dunea, author of My Last Supper.

The chefs put the finishing touches on their dishes, and Antonia sends her take on Morimoto’s mom’s bento box out: Tuna Sashimi with Pickeld Radishes, Mushrooms, Roasted Japanese Eggplant with Miso Soup and Rice. Morimoto says that the miso is too salty, but he doesn’t dislike the vinegar in the sushi rice. The scotch bonnet peppers in the tuna blow out Gail’s mouth. Michelle and Melanie praise the rice, and Gail and Puck both like the pickle. Tom thinks the eggplant is the best thing, but that the box lacks subtlety.

Mike presents his Fried Chicken with Latin Egg Yolk Empanada and Gravy next. Puck calls it an elegant version of fried chicken. Michelle Bernstein likes the texture of the egg empanada. Morimoto’s chicken is a bit dry and Gail says that the batter on the white meat is not crispy. Tom says that the technique of sous vide-ing the chicken first means the batter doesn’t stick.

Finally, we see Richard’s Beef Goulash, Spaetzel with Sour Cream and Apple Strudel with Tarragon. The judges all “mmm” as they dig into the goulash. It reminds Puck of his childhood, but Tom thinks the onion is undercooked and wishes the dish were hotter. Gail says the strudel is outstanding. “Even mah mothah would’ve approved of dat,” says Puck.

The diners talk a bit. Bernstein says Mike was super creative, but Puck thought he was “overcreative” and strayed too far from the initial concept. Gail could see where Antonia tried to be delicate, but Morimoto can’t say she’s the best. Puck says Richard did a great job with the goulash, and Gail says he had a great balance of his contemporary techniques and Wolfgang’s very traditional menu.

Padma calls the chefs in and tells them judges table is starting.. .right now. Michelle tells Mike his chicken was crispy, but not juicy, and the breading was falling off. Puck says Richard got the flavors of the goulash right on, but the spaetzle was tough. Morimoto tells Antonia the soup was salty, but it was interesting.

Tom tells Richard that if this season was about redemption for him, he’s one step closer: he’ll be cooking in the finale. Richard is elated to have made it through two seasons without Padma telling him to pack his knives.

Padma reminds Antonia and Mike that only one of them will move on, and then she whips out her top secret twist envelope. “You r’member this?” she drawls. Oh, good, I was wondering where that envelope had got to. Commercial.

Back! Oh, fakeback. The chefs all reflect on how well known Top Chef is for twists, and what the envelope twist could be. Lamest fakeback ever.

Back for real. Padma hands Antonia the envelope. There will be one more challenge to determine who claims the last spot. Tom gives them 45 minutes to go back to the kitchen and make seven servings of one bite.

Food flurry! They run about a bit and give interviews about how battered they feel. Mike wants to do something bold with textures, but something no one else would do. So he grabs heavily original ingredients: tenderloin and lobster. Yes, because no one would ever think to use those things. Steak and lobster – what a revolutionary fucking concept. Moron. Antonia is trying to put together an aggressive dish that shows the judges who she is and what she’s capable of.

We get some shots of the judges discussing the fact that there’s $200K at stake. “Can I get in da kichen and cook?” Puck jokes.

The chefs come out and present Antonia’s Seared Grouper in Coconut Lobster Broth with a Yam, Apple, and Dill Pollen Relish and Mike’s Tempura Lobster Over Beef Tartare with Carmelized Olives and Chimichurri Sauce.

Gail loves the idea of Antonia’s dish, but thinks the sauce is very powerful. Tom wonders if that was what she was going for. Morimoto thinks she was trying to work with the simplicity of the grouper, and he wants a bigger piece.

Bernstein loved the lobster on Mike’s, but it didn’t wow her with flavor the way Antonia’s did. She and Gail are both intrigued by the olive caramel. Melanie was shocked by the different colors.

Gail and Michelle would both choose Michael’s to eat again, but Padma, Morimoto, and Melanie prefer Antonia’s. Tom likes Michael’s. Puck should be the tie breaker, but he gives a two sides answer about Antonia’s being his favorite but Mike’s being more technically perfect as we cut to the commercial.

Back. Padma reminds them that one of them will join Richard in finale. Tom tells Antonia her dish was aggressive on the spice, but had great notes. He tells Mike his tartar was on the bland side, but the sauces tried to make up for it. Then he tells them it was close – a 3 to 4 split. Padma points out that they came in as competitors but leave as cousins. Then she asks Antonia to pack her knives and go.

Antonia cries about coming so close again and how her daughter is the only thing that could make her feel better now.

Next time! Actual finale! (Finally) Create the restaurant of your dreams! Some of you are going to be working as sous chefs. I’m in the weeds, but you know.” “I quit my job, I missed my honeymoon.” Ugh, Art Smith. Curtis Stone. “Let me compose myself here a little bit.” “You are Top Chef.”

The First Ever Last-Line Limmerick Contest.

Ok, meerkats. Let's see what the muses have sent you.

As you may recall, I couldn't think of an appropriate last line for the "Goodbye, Tiffany" limerick last week. So I challenged you all to see what you could come up with.

Vote for your favorite in the comments before Thursday at 6 a.m.; winner gets. . .something. We're still sorting that out.

A) Goodbye, Tiffany
Near invisible woman
Cold Chowder, Too Bad.

--rwhitaker1966

B) Goodbye, Tiffany

Near invisible woman
Padma Bikini.

--Rob

C) Goodbye, Tiffany
Near Invisible Woman
Conched out on the beach.

--Anonymous, 3/18 1:44

D) Goodbye, Tiffany
Near Invisible Woman
None Sucked Worse This Time

--susan

E) Goodbye, Tiffany
Near Invisible Woman
From Beaumont, Texas

--Anonymous, 3/18 13:47

F) Goodbye, Tiffany
Near Invisible Woman
No Fan Fave This Time

--Anonymous 3/20 1:18

G) Goodbye, Tiffany
Near Invisible Woman
Still Made Beaumont Proud!

--Anonymous 3/21 5:07

(I just realized there's no real way to prove which Anonymous you are for prize giving purposes. They could be anyone. They could be me. This is a wrinkle I didn't consider. Damn.)

Top Chef All Stars: A Boring Episode Made Worse By My Jet Lag

Goodbye, Tiffany.
Near invisible woman

You think of the last five syllables, bobbleheads. I’m too tired. Ooh, here's a thought: leave your last line in the comments by Monday, 6 a.m. I'll put up the submissions in a post; we'll vote on a winner, and they'll get a fabulous prize.

I will also accept suggestions for fabulous prizes -- my only ideas are 1) writing a post on a topic of their choice (within reason: nothing that will cost me my day job or embarrass my mother); and 2) baking them something. I'm quite tired.

So let’s shoot the elephant in the room before he steps on things and crushes them: when last you saw your fearless recapper (that would be me), she blithely said something about the next week’s recap being a few days late because she would be out of town. And then you heard nothing from her for two weeks, and she never said anything about Carla’s ouster, and there was never a recap of the first part of Top Chef’s apparently seventy five million part All Star season finale.

Unbeknownst to you, four days after writing that the next week’s recap would be late, said recapper hopped an Air France flight at Washington, Dulles, and then a second, smaller Air France flight at Paris, Charles de Gaulle, and found herself on the ground at Naples, Cappodichino, and embarked on her own six day version of the Eat, Pray, Love experience.

Except that in her case, it was more like the Eat, Eat, Eat experience – pastas, gelatos, pizzas, braschiole, sausages, fried things from street stands, desserts with which she had some sort of primal, ecstatic relationship, zabaglione every morning for breakfast cappuccinos, glasses and glasses of blood orange juice, pastries, beers, wine, wine, wine.

And steamed mussels, which, by the way, were on every menu everywhere, Fabio, you giant douche.

And in the midst of all that, she somehow lost three pounds, so pray on that, Elizabeth Gilbert / Julia Roberts and your stupid “no carb left behind” jokes and musical montages about needing new jeans.

Anyway. She got back late Monday night and was in no mood to watch Top Chef. And that persisted throughout the Tuesday she’d taken off to get over jet lag and get groceries and get at least partly caught up on her DVR. She told herself that she’d watch it after work on Wednesday and at least write up something cursory, but then she decided to go to dinner with a friend instead.

And part of it’s laziness and part of it’s jet lag, but part of it’s just that to some degree – not entirely, but to a point – all of the eating and drinking and tromping around on cobblestones and through archaeological digs and learning to make limoncello from a little old man in his 70s who teaches you the correct pronunciation of the town your great-great-grandparents were from (which shouldn’t have been hard)…anyway, it’s done some sort of damage to my cynicism, and I’m not entirely ready to let that go yet.

Especially not to see Hosea Rosenherp’s pale mankletoothed skull polluting my television.

So maybe I’ll watch last week’s episode all the way through at some point, but in terms of recapping, just consider it The Lost Episode. I’m sorry Carla’s gone, and regret that the one week of any show I've not been able to bring myself to recap happened on the week she got cut, because she’s a good egg and a good chef and that’s not always the easiest combination to stagger across.

I promise, I’ll write you posts about my attempts to make my own limoncello the way the man at Limone taught me to and replicate the croccante all’amarena gelato I had at Fantasia Gelati to make up for it.

(This is where my outline says I’m supposed to share my thoughts on last night’s episode, but as you may’ve guessed from the half assed limmericking, I don’t really have too many. Tiffany, whose qualifications for “All Star” status always puzzled me a bit – if we’re doing a fan favorites season, definitely, but All Star? – was such a nonentity in this season, and was so consistently spared by the Someone Sucked Worse clause that propelled her toward the finale that it’s tough to muster anything about her departure beyond 1) Goodbye, Tiffany. You too seemed like both a good egg and a good chef; and 2) thank god we’re one chef and one week closer to this interminable mess ending.

And on the rest of the episode – zabagliones, I am still so jet lagged that I literally fell asleep at least once during it. I say at least once because I KNOW I fell asleep during the commercial break after the lunch segment, and woke up at 10:54, right as they were about to announce the top and bottom, and had to rewind and watch the deliberation over again. But my notes were also about a page shorter than they normally are, so either this was a colossal dud of an episode or I blacked out at an earlier point as well. You’ll have to tell me which is true)

We open in the Bahamian Stew room after Carla’s exit, with everyone talking about missing her. Antonia worries that she’s second guessing everything she’s doing and not finding her groove. Mike I feels like he’s on a roll after that last episode.

Credits! Short version, where we just hear about the prizes and don’t see the exiled cheftestants.

The next morning, we find ourselves in their hotel room, with Blais wearing a ridiculous hat, and Mike I ridiculously not wearing a shirt. Gross. They head out to see what their challenge will be, with Richard guessing that it will involve “cooking, with not enough time and not enough equipment.”

Richard Blais should write recaps of this show – that’s the most perfect encapsulation of the entire premise that I’ve ever heard.

In the Atlantis kitchen, they meet Padma and Lorena Garcia – Lorena is one of the hosts of America’s Next Great Restaurant, which I quite enjoyed the first episode of, but haven’t yet caught up on the second -- and stacks of plates and aprons. Padma tells them that the quickfire is about consistency and precision. They’ll divide into pairs and make 100 identical dishes in an hour. The winning team gets $5000.

They start in boy/boy girl/girl pairs, with Antonia talking about how she would’ve picked Tiffany even if the boys hadn’t gone for each other, and Mike talking about how he and Richard are the favorites. Richard thinks their dish is way more complicated than the girls’. Antonia thinks their plating is much more sophisticated than the guys’. Time!

Padma and Lorena each pick two numbers at random and get the dishes with those numbers while the others go to the diners. The boys present their Pork Bolognese with Fresh Macaroni. Lorena compliments the consistency of the pasta.

Moving to the girls’ salad of Beef Tenderloin, Creamy Lentils, Celery, and Almond, Padma says they had good plating, and Lorena says it was a challenge to do four components. Mike says he could’ve done their dish himself while sending Richard to the store for a six pack to celebrate the win.

Anyway, Lorena announces that the winning team is. . .the ladies’ team! Antonia says it feels fantastic and that Mike and Blais are “sour grapes salty losers.” Tiffany calls it an “in your face kind of moment” and hopes that a woman can win Top Chef All Stars.

Commercial.

Back! Padma tells them that for their elimination challenge, they’ll be making a “deserted island” lunch for the president of the Commodore Yacht club. And they have to make conch. Mike is glad that he practiced working with conch before coming out since he knew it was one of the signature dishes in the Bahamas.

The next day, they get ready. Richard makes his hair super tall -- I feel like this is his battle intimidation tactic, like when warriors of yore used to paint their faces. They all say pep up things about how they’re ready and they’re going to win and blah blah blah conch.

Padma greets them in a bikini with some sort of old stoner who’s going to drive their boat. Their time starts as soon as their feet hit the beach.


So they head out on the yacht. Richard has also practiced with conch. They see smoke coming up from the island, and hit the water with 3.5 hours. They break into a bunch of crates to find gorgeous produce, some lobsters, snapper grouper. . .but in the box marked conch, they find only masks and snorkels. They have to go and get their own conch out of the ocean. This is an awesome premise with a terrible downside, as it means we’re subjected to another scene of shirtless Mike.

Even as a strong swimmer, Antonia is challenged to get the conch and get them in the bag. Tiffany plans to get at least ten so she doesn’t have to come back. Richard, who swims like I do – really just “not drowning” rather than swimming with any sort of technique – flails about trying to grab conch. Mike lumbers shirtlessly out onto the beach.

The chefs head back up to the beach and start working on their dishes, with no electricity, no gadgets and, worst of all for Richard, no liquid nitrogen. Antonia worries about the inevitability of getting sand in their food. They start breaking their conch open with little pickaxes. Mike boils his first and then pulls out the cooked meat more easily. Tiffany can’t get any meat out of hers.


Commercial.

Back! Tiffany finally gets her conch out. Richard washes down his station. Antonia feels like she likes her dish. Tiffany is pushing herself. Richard is exhausted and dehydrated and feels like he’s 70 years old. Mike is going to use the seaweed from the beach in his dish.

There’s a lot of food flurry and a lot of bitching about maintaining the heat on the wood burning grill and Richard stressing himself out about how he lost in the second season and giving himself a speech that is something like Chris Farley’s “stupid stupid stupid!” and half … something else. I was going to make a joke about Richard having a “Tiger Mom” here, but it’s just not coming out naturally. Jet Lag, people. It’s serious shit.

The judges and yacht club members stroll up, all dressed in white. Also, all ACTUALLY white, which says something unsettling about the makeup of this yacht club as compared to the actual ethnic makeup of the Bahamas as a whole. There’s a lot of desultory talk about yachts and regulations and then Richard and his self doubt come out to serve Sweet Potato Linguine with Conch and Spiny Lobster to the diners. The commodore of the yacht club likes it and Tom is impressed that he made the pasta on the beach. Someone else points out that it’s just very cleverly sliced and cooked sweet potato, which, if you can actually make it taste like pasta is even more impressive in my book.

A storm starts to approach their outdoor cooking area. Antonia serves next, and presents her Red Snapper with Tartar of Conch and Lobster Nage to the judges. Gail immediately reacts to the heat of the ceviche, but Lorena loves the “punch” it has. Tom doesn’t notice the conch and his fish is overcooked.

Next we have Tiffany’s Conch and Coconut Chowder with Sweet Potatoes and Conch Ceviche. No one’s chowder seems to be hot. Gail says something about growing up going to the yacht club in Canada. Oh, Gail. Don’t try so hard, lovey.

Finally Mike presents his Banana Wrapped Gouper [ah yes, the famous fish Gouper, eaten for lunch every day by the interns in the Bravo lunch room] with Braised Pineapple and Warm Conch Vinaigrette. The reviews seem mixed – one yacht guy says the conch taste has been overwhelmed, but Gail loves it.

(I am literally falling asleep at this point, so forgive me if things get even vaguer from here out). (editor’s note: I wrote this before I knew that I would actually fall asleep mere moments later)

Commercial.

Fakeback! They talk about who would be which character from Gilligan’s Island.

And then I did fall asleep for ten minutes, and woke up and had to rewind the show back until they’re all in the stew room talking about their dishes.

Judges table. Tom compliments them all on keeping sand out of their dishes. Lorena says Antonia’s dish was “right on” but Tom wishes the conch were cut bigger, and his fish was overcooked. Padma didn’t like the conventionality of the dish, and felt that hers was the most predictable. Antonia does a neat rhetorical trick of taking this as a compliment because it means she has an identifiable style.

She tells Richard his pasta was “quite unusual,” and Tom says he enjoyed the dish. Gail says it really worked, but Lorena says her lobster was undercooked.

Lorena loved the combination on Tiffany’s chowder. Gail wonders if the soup was meant to be hot or cold. Tiffany blames the wind that kicked up while she was plating. Tom says it was a little on the sweet side.

Gail asks Mike about the pineapple, which she thought was amazing. Tom enjoyed the smokiness of the banana leaf, but didn’t care for the butter taste.

Padma sends them back to the stew room. The judges deliberate and say that it’s a hard choice because they all did a “pretty good job” with the conch. Lorena is put off by the problem with Richard’s lobster. Tom says Antonia’s conch was the “least impactful” of the dishes. Tom thinks Tiffany’s dish didn’t come together, and the sweetness and temperature were off. Lorena found Mike’s dish a little bit greasy.

Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them they did a fantastic job, but the one who showcased conch in the most unique way was Mike. Ugh. He says some dumb, gloating things from his dumb, gloating face.

Tom tells them that one dish was a little less successful than the others –some of Richard’s lobster was undercooked; Tiffany’s chowder was cold and too sweet, and antonia’s had “little inconsistencies in the cooking.”

Padma tells Tiffany to pack her knives and go, surprising absolutely no one. Tiffany acknowledges that she was outcooked, and cries. She’s proud to have made it this far as someone self taught, and feels it’s important to keep going.


Next time! Finale? The Last Supper! This should be a walk in the park for you! It tastes like it’s about to go rancid. Whoever wins… is getting that last spot. Remember this? And maybe I’ll be a smidge less tired at that point.

Top Chef All Stars: Only in America

No one was sent home
Why should I write a haiku?
Make your own last line.

Let’s get a few business items out of the way first, shall we?

Numero uno: a bunch of news about Top Chef Masters: 3 came out yesterday, including the roster of contestants, a few of the guest judges, and a cast list that includes Curtis Stone taking the place of KChoi and Ruth Reichl apparently taking the place of Gael Greene’s Hat (also, no mention of Jay Rayner, but that’s less heartbreaking). On the one hand, I’m stoked about the other half of the Two Hot Tamales competing and Christina Hendricks judging. On the other….NO GAEL GREENE’S HAT? Is this even worth watching now? We’ll find out starting on April 6.

Numero due: Chef Grant Achatz of Alinea will be on NPR’s Fresh Air from WHYY today discussing his restaurant, his recovery from tongue cancer, and his new memoir Life, On The Line. Check your local public radio station’s website for scheduling information, or you can listen to it on the Fresh Air page at npr.org after about 7 p.m. Eastern.

Numero tre: next week’s recap will be late. How late? Very late. DAYS late, in fact. Why, you ask? Oh, let’s just say I’ll be off somewhere that they probably won’t have Bravo, and even if they do I won’t be arranging my schedule around the ability to watch it in a timely fashion. And I plan on eating at least one plate of mussels while I’m there, despite certain people’s insistence that they don’t exist in said place.

But enough on that: on to the episode, right? So let’s start with the twist itself: I went back and forth on finding it “shocking.” I follow three of the five final contestants on Twitter, and … let’s just say there were some tweets a few weeks back that while not exactly indiscreet , did allow for a certain amount of reading between the 140 characters.

So I had an inkling about the final five situation from before the episode started, partly because of that and partly because I had a hard time imagining any of them being sent home right now – yes, even Teflon Tiffany. And then Antoina’s mom started hinting slyly about maybe trying a final five, and I was pretty much certain.

But the way Padma and Tom kept saying “one of you HAS to go home” and “we HAVE to make a decision” and “only FOUR of you can move on” did keep me on edge a bit. And the way they handled the order and phrasing. . .well, I’ll be sending them the bill for my cardiologist appointment is all I’m saying.

As to the challenge itself: LOVE the idea. Love it on so many levels. Like every other white American, no matter how much some of them like to pretend we do and have always owned everything about this country, I am the descendent of immigrants – which is to say people who came here because things weren’t looking so great where we were. In my case, that means everything from younger sons who didn’t have opportunities back in the UK to Southern Italians trying to get out from under the heel of the Camorra, touching on a bunch of persecuted religious sects and Industrialized Revolution types in the three centuries between. My first traceable female ancestor in this country was an indentured servant in Virginia in the first half of the 17th century. Two of my great-grandfathers were immigrants, one of them through Ellis Island.

And this is going to sound like an obvious thing, and I’m ashamed to admit that I learned it from an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy like a million years ago, but when we come to a new place, food is the thing we keep. The first few generations lose the language, whether as an intentional attempt to assimilate or through disuse. After that, you lose the cultural practices . But the food stays, even once you hit a generation that can no longer pronounce the family name. Because really, it’s the soul of who we are.

So I love the idea of this challenge, but at the same time…I wish they’d had a more diverse group of contestants to do it with. Two Italian-American chefs, and they’re both Southern Italian to boot. Two African-American chefs with Southern roots. And poor Richard, left to make the best out of a cultural heritage that’s dominated by potato famines and meat pies. It would’ve been REALLY easy for him to get the screwgie on this challenge.

And I wish they’d been able to take it further. Yes, I know there’s no way you can subtly do a DNA test on people, but wouldn’t it have been AWESOME if they’d been able to do one of those ones that tells you what percentage of what you are, and what Native American tribes or bits of Africa your ancestors came from?

I want to have more to say about this, and I want it to be more interesting, but the truth is, I'm getting over a cold and it's hard to think about anything deeper than how nice it is to be breathing through my nose again, even if it does whistle a bit when I do. Also, Cherry-Vanilla Swirl Nyquil? It is THE SHIT, as the kids say.

Anyway.

We open in the stew room, where everyone is bummed that Dale left. Richard wanted to go to the end with him, and says this is the only elimination he’s sad about. I have a frowny face in my notes, which I think was meant to indicate that I shared Richard’s bummed-ness. He also tells Tiffany that she’s invincible. She vows not to go out in 5th again.

And they head back to the Top Chef Bar, where Mike and Richard seem to have actual drinks. Antonia calls her daughter. I’m glad that they haven’t emphasized the whole “Antonia, the brave single mom” thing like they did in season 4 – I understand that that’s an important part of who she is, but it got so tiresome.

Credits!

As the show opens, we’re in the Top Chef apartment, where Antonia suspects that Padma may be coming to them instead of vice versa. And of course she does, and tells them to chef suit up and meet her on the roof. Antonia thinks they’re going to have to “base jump off our roof and she’s going to be like scramble an egg and fry an egg before you get down.”

That? Would be awesome.

Roofside, Padma reminds them that 18 chefs started this competition, and 5 remain.

For this challenge, they’ll be taking a ferry to Ellis Island, where they’ll meet Padma and the guest judge.

So the chefs hike out to the Miss Freedom. They’re on a Boat! And there’s a Note!

They have to assemble a dish with the shitty snack bar ingredients from the ferry snack bar – nacho cheese and chips and pickles and things. They have from the time the ships horn blows and they pull out to the time it blows again and they dock to cook.

The chefs twiddle their fingers waiting for the horn. “Blow!” Tiffany yells, and it does. And they’re off! Floating food flurry! Tiffany is making “some type of nachos.” Antonia is working to make a grilled cheese sandwich on the hot dog griller. Richard has an MRE bag in his knife kit, which is a bag you can boil water in like the troops do. Carla eschews the junk food options to make an orange salad.

They keep peeking out at the water, but they can’t tell anything about where they are. Mike is making a bread soup with hot dog buns. It’s very traditional to use stale bread to thicken soup, but the idea of using crappy Wonder Hot Dog buns to do it makes me yak. Carla thinks Richard’s “hot dog with a lotta stuff on it” isn’t a winner.

The boat starts pulling into Ellis Island. Tiffany starts making popcorn with dried fruit to augment her nachos. Horn! Time! Mike wouldn’t serve his dish to his cat.

Padma and the adorkable Dan Barber come aboard. We’ve met Dan Barber a few times before, including the Season 5 farm challenge. Carla thinks it’s funny to be cooking for him when they only have shitty processed boat food.

Richard reminds us that Dan Barber was his celebrity sous in the season 4 finale in Puerto Rico, and introduces his take on a Bahn Mi: Hot Dog and Beef Jerky Sandwich with Jalapeño, Pork Rinds, Lettuce and Apple. Tiffany explains her Nachos with Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Jalapeño, Banana Pepper and Sour Cream; Popcorn with Candied Mangoes and Pineapples.

Mike decries Tiffany’s lack of effort before describing his Bread Soup with Cheddar Cheese, Sour Cream, Green Chili and Pork Rinds. Antonia thinks everyone is “elevating their dishes in terms of terminology,” or as we call it in my neck of the woods, bullshitting. Carla hopes her Orange and Papaya Salad with Carrot and Rosemary Juice will be “very refreshing after your cheese soup.” Heh. Burn.

They wrap up with Antonia’s Grilled Cheese with Apples and Raisin Bread. Richard thinks she’s done a “shell game” by making her dish with “cheese from one sandwich that was already made and bread from another sandwich that was already made” to make her sandwich. Commercial.

Back! Dan Barber tells them that they did a great job under the circumstances. He runs through his critique: Tiffany’s dish was too much like a throw-away. Richard’s was tasty and creative. Mike’s soup could’ve sunk the ship. Antonia’s technique was smart, and Carla’s orange salad was refreshing and innovative. And the winning dish is…Carla! Yay!!!

Richard is bitter.

Padma tells them this will be the last elimination challenge in New York, then talks about Ellis Island as the symbol of the American immigrant, and they’ll have to make a dish to represent their ancestry and inspired by their family history. She talks about how the African-American experience was obviously different. Well, duh, Padma.

To give them deeper insight into their ancestry, they’ve hired one of the country’s best genealogists in the country to assemble their family history, and brought in special guests…

It’s their families, of course! Carla’s Husband! Tiffany’s Mom! Antonia’s mom! Richard’s female wife! Mike’s mom! Oh, Mike’s mom looks like she could be one of my aunts or something. Richard’s female wife is 5 months pregnant with their second daughter.

So the families and the chefs head to park benches to read their family histories. Richard says this has been a rough year because his mom and his wife’s mother recently passed, so there’s a huge emotional connection. Richard is mostly Irish and English, from Worcestershire, which is great, because he loves the sauce. He also has an ancestor who owned a meat market, and one who was a chemist.

Tiffany and her Mom are thinking of traditional dishes from their family. Tiffany’s mom looks just like her. Tiffany likes the idea of okra, but worries that Tom doesn’t like it. She decides to go with it.

Carla and her husband are looking through her book. Her great-great-grandfather was in the US Colored Troops during the Civil War, and later had his own business, which makes her feel a connection to him because of their shared independence.

Mike’s mother tells him he doesn’t look Italian, which is RIDICULOUS. I mean come on. We learn about how he learned to cook from his grandmother, Antoinette Antonacci.

And then Antonia finds the Antonacci name in her family tree as well, so they’re long distant cousins from Sicily. “I told you I was your brother you never had,” he tells her. Antonia finds a picture of her great grandfather, Giuseppe Esposito, who came from Palermo. And then I lose track of what happens because I’m crying a little. Commercial.

Back! Whole Foods! 30 minutes shopping! Richard kind of regrets being Irish and English, because they’re not exactly cultures that have a “backbone” to their cuisine. Carla thinks this is a very intimate challenge.

They head back to the apartment, where Richard can suddenly see the resemblance between Mike and Antonia. And…so can I, once they show a shot of the two of them with their faces right next to each other. It is the craziest coincidence that they’re related – and not just in some distant bullshit “Presidents Bush and Obama are cousins through their distant shared ancestor in 17th century Massachusetts and they’re both related to Princess Diana” way, but actually only a century or so back related. The chefs spend some time looking at each others’ pictures , including an EPIC one of Mike in pink spandex during dance class.

The next morning, as the sun gently rises over New York, the chefs wake up and Tiffany talks about how she and Carla are BFFs. And then they find a DVD and a Toyota key waiting for them. And of course, the product placement vehicle of the season is waiting for them.

They hop in the car, where Padma tells them via DVD that the challenge winner will get this Highlander Hybrid. And blah blah blah car features.

They head out to the challenge location with 3 hours to cook. Carla is making braised pork shoulder, fried grits, and biscuits. NOM. And she’s using liquid nitrogen in the process. Our baby girl’s all growdz up. Tiffany is making shortribs, oxtail marmalade, and stewed okra and rice. She’s on a mission to get Tom to like okra.

Antonia’s dish was inspired by the fact that her father loves veal; she wants to honor him because he’s just gone through another bout of radiation for prostate cancer. Richard is honoring his meat market owning and chemist ancestors with something called glasswort, which sounds like something out of Harry Potter. Mike sets a towel on fire.

30 minutes! Carla’s biscuits are anemic looking; she thinks the oven’s not as hot as it says. Antonia struggles with making her risotto the right conspiracy. Richard is nervous because he thinks going right near the end would be the toughest to swallow.

The judges plus Dan Barber and the chef’s family members arrive and sit down at the table. Mike serves first, introducing his Potato Gnocchi with Braised Pork Shank Ragu and Burrata Cheese, which was inspired by his great great grandfather from Naples. His mom tells them he was on a chair near the stove when he was 3. They all like Mike’s gnocchi, and his mom says it even tops his grandma’s.

Mrs. Lofaso explains to the judges how Antonia learned to cook at their restaurant. Antonia presents her Braised Veal, Rapini Leaf, and Fava Bean Risotto. Richard’s wife thinks she did a great job with the flavors, and Tom agrees that it’s packed with flavor.

Tiffany comes out next with her Braised Short Rib with Mustard Greens, Stewed Okra, and Oxtail Marmalade. Her mom thinks it’s delicious. Tom says “I have to say, your family’s well fed if this is what you eat,” and that Tiffany’s finally made okra that he likes. He asked Matthew and Jazmin if they’re feeling the pressure since their spouses haven’t presented yet. “Have you ever had a final five?” Mrs. Lofaso slyly asks.

Richard comes out with his Short Ribs, Potatoes, Fried Bone Marrow, Corn Purée, and Pickled Glass Wart. Mike’s mother loves the bone marrow. Tom says it’s all right. “Not alright, it’s all right.” His wife loves the corn puree.

Matthew talks about how he and Carla met on match.com. Awesome. They should do an ad, because they’re the best. And it’s totally a great selling point for match: “you can meet actual awesome people on match.com, like Top Chef’s Carla Hall, not just a bunch of guys who say they’re 5’11” when they’re actually 5’8”, and don’t realize that everyone has caught onto the fact that a baseball cap is like the universal symbol for bald.” Carla has a sinking feeling, because she doesn’t want to disappoint the family members or the judges. Seriously, Carla, if you won at match.com, you can win at anything. Commercial!

Fakeback! Tiffany wants to win this challenge because it’s emotional. Antonia thinks she and Richard are the worriers of the group. Richard says everyone’s dishes are tasty and amazing, and worries that he might be gone since he’s the only “big seed” left standing.

Back for real. Carla presents her Braised Pork Shoulder, Fried Grits, Corn and Sweet Potato Hash and Cheddar Biscuits. It’s Mike’s mother’s first grits experience. Jazmin likes that she served the biscuits family style. Gail loves the grits, and Dan Barber is excited about the pork shoulder. Tom is worried about how hard judges table is going to be.

The five chefs walk back out so that Padma can thank them for the meal and they can say goodbye to their families. Mrs. Lofaso tells Antonia what she said about how there should be a final five.

Everyone kisses and we cut to the stew room, where they toast each other and the emotional ride they’ve had. Padma enters and calls all of them back to the judges’ table.

Padma thanks them for the wonderful meal, and Tom assures them that their families were and should be proud. But, Padma adds, only 4 of them can compete for the $200,000.

At this point, it’s 10:56 and I realize we’ve been SUPERSIZED. Again

Carla says that going to Ellis Island was amazing, and finding out about her roots was inspirational. Gail loved the broth and said the biscuits were beautiful. Barber loved the shoulder. Tom thought the corn was on the tough side. Carla explains that she used liquid nitrogen to get the grits cold. Tom says it all worked together as a soulful, flavorful dish.

Richard says it’s hard to connect the dots when you’re a “mutt.” I feel for him – I was thinking, as I do, about what I would’ve done in this challenge, and I think I would’ve felt pressed NOT to do Italian since there were 2 fully Italian people there and I’m only ¼. So I would’ve been stuck with the delicious foods of the rest of my heritage – again, a lot of meat pies. But Richard is a better man than I am. Dan Barber could see the thoughtfulness in the dish, and Tom agrees that it made sense.

Padma tells Antonia she was courageous for serving them risotto. Gail says it had a great texture and the shank fell apart on top of it. Tom says her confidence came through in this dish.

Tom admits that Tiffany has converted him to liking okra because “the slime wasn’t slimy, it was rich.” Barber says her love for what she was doing really came through.

Padma compliments Mike’s gnocchi, and Barber says the flavor on his “gravy” was rich without being overwhelming. Gail calls the dish soulful and satisfying. Tom says that the last dish he wants to eat on earth is his mother’s “gravy” because it’s such a soulful dish.

Mike starts crying about how he didn’t want to cook Italian food because it reminded him of his grandmother. Gail tells him what his mom said about his gnocchi being better than his grandmother’s.

They file back to the stew room, and everyone compliments Mike for having emotions. Antonia then reminds them that someone still has to go home. Commercial.

Ah! Top Chef Masters commercial! Yay!

Back! Tom doesn’t even know where to begin, because, as Barber says, each of the dishes was stunning. So they have to go after real little nitpicky things: in the middle of all the praise, Gail says that Antonia’s shank, when eaten alone was just a hair salty. Barber thought Mike’s gnocchi should’ve been plated with a touch less meat. Padma says there wasn’t that much green on Richard’s plate. Tom thinks Carla’s garnish got lost in her broth. Tom thinks Tiffany had a “Coco Chanel” moment with her dish and needed to “lose some accessories.”

So they come to a decision. And they call the chefs back in.

Dan Barber announces that the winner is…Antonia! Yay!! She says her mother and daughter will be unbelievably excited. She gets to move on to the final round … in the Bahamas!

Tom tells Mike he’s safe and will be moving on as well. Padma tells i due cugini to go back to the stew room, where they hug and jump around.

Back in the stew room, Tom tells Tiffany she gave them a soulful dish of beautiful southern food with a lot of stuff going on. Richard pulled off a beautiful story with his food. Carla had some things here and there with the vegetables.

Richard. .. is told to pack his knives…and go to the Bahamas! I would freaking kill them if they did that to me – my heart literally stopped for a second as it was just watching it. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be there.

Tom tells Carla and Tiffany again that it was a tough decision. But…commercial! WHAT??? AUGH!

We return to the judges table room where Tom continues to keep Carla, Tiffany AND THE WORLD in suspense. Eventually, Padma tells Carla. . .and Tiffany. . .that they’re both going to the Bahamas!

Good job Mrs. Lofaso! You called it! Tom explains that it was too tough a decision and they couldn’t say goodbye to either of them.

The girls pull a Joey where they walk in looking all sad, and then say “we’re all going!” and explode into happy.

Next! Final rounds begin! Padma in a bikini! Head to Head with the chef that won their season! I may’ve just shot myself in the foot! I’ve choked once before so I’m nervous. Fire! The other chefs can think what they want, but I am here to win. I couldn’t finish eating the dish. I want to do it, I want to be there at the end.