Top Chef Masters: Bands, Buses, and Bad Seasons

Guys, I hate this season.

I hate this season so much that if it were bleeding on the side of the road, I would drive by and laugh like Nelson.

No, actually, that’s not true. That would require me to go out of my way to drive to the place where this season was bleeding. And I’m just not that interested in it.

I do hate it enough that if I saw it out walking its dog, I would wait until it was bending over to pick up the poop, I would knee it in the groin and steal the dog. Because the dog deserves better.

Every week just reaffirms my conviction that they are setting up the easiest possible path for a female winner. Out of 6 ousters, one woman has gone home. And that woman went home because she didn’t even finish her dish.

I thought they would send home Celina last night for sure, just to keep things plausible. Just to keep the numbers at 5 ladies to 3 dudes instead of the obvious blowout it's becoming. Instead, perpetually bottom dwelling Celina with her zero wins is in, and Alex is out.

And the thing is, I can’t even say that on an episode-by-episode basis this was the wrong call. If Alex really messed up the pasta that badly, he deserved to go home. If Celina’s soup was really one of the best things about their meal, there’s a point in her staying. . .this week. But it still stings to see her hanging on for good enough when she should’ve been gone for her gritty “puddin’” back on April 23.

The episode itself. . .was so bland and flavorless that there’s not a whole lot I can really say about it. Maroon 5 was the perfect band for the chefs to cook for, because their banal, insipid, elevator pop would be the perfect soundtrack to this season. The episode itself was so flaccid and inoffensive that it might as well have been “This Love” stretched out to 60 minutes and forced to cook.

Let’s take a look at it, shall we?

We open in the Masters kitchen, where the chefs enter to see Curtis and a display of beautiful ingredients. Curtis says something ridiculous about taking the diner “to heaven.” They can make any dish they want using the “heavenly” ingredients on the table, but they have to do it in ONLY 7 minutes. The winning chef gets $5000 and immunity. And their seven minutes in heaven (HA! I see what they did there) starts now.

Food flurry. Celina is determined to win since she’s “carrying the big old goose egg” for her charity. Naomi wants to highlight the ingredients quickly and effectively. She’s searing foie gras. Nom. Hugh wishes he was that ambitious. Traci is shaking from all the adrenaline.

Two minutes! Floyd runs for the fryer. Hugh is making tuna two ways, but his poached tuna hasn’t poached. He worries that he may be making “the most elaborate cat food of all times.” My cat looks up at this line – she will gladly take the tuna if he has.

Curtis tells the chefs to his left to go to one side. They’ll be judging each other. Traci worries that it has the potential to cause animosity. They’ll rank each dish from one to seven, with one being the best and seven being the worst.

They begin with Hugh’s Tuna Two Ways: Chopped with Caviar and Ventresca with Celery. Floyd is concerned about the bitterness. Traci has made Tenderloin Beef Carpaccio, Truffle, Maitake Mushroom, and Balsamic. Alex says it’s well seasoned and good. Naomi’s Foie Gras, Chanterlle [sic] Mushrooms and Fried Lady Apples is next. “where’d you get the extra five minutes?” Traci asks. She’s shocked that Naomi is flourishing so much in the competition since she’s one of the least experienced.

The next up is Celina’s Scallop Crudo, Blood Orange, Kumquat, and Lemon Agrumato. It needs more salt. Mary Sue has made Scallop with Pink Salt, Lime, and Cilantro. Naomi says it’s perfect. Alex has made Prawn Ceviche, Kumquat, Chili Peppers, Celery , and Blood Orange Vinagrette, which they call fantastic. Floyd’s is last with a Prawn with Serrano Chili, Wasabi, Blood Orange Juice. Mary Sue loves that he used the head.

They head back to their own dishes and start ranking everyone’s food. Mary Sue finds having to choose awkward.

Hugh’s dish goes first, and he, Traci, and Floyd have all ranked it last. I’m impressed with his honesty. Naomi gives Traci her #1 ranking, as does Mary Sue. Hugh and Traci both give their #1s to Naomi, but Floyd has given it his 6 because he got a salty piece. Celina seems to have pulled all 6s and 7s. Yipes. Mary Sue has scores ranging from 1 to 5. Alex similarly has 1s to 5s, and he gives himself a 6. Floyd gets everything from 3 to 6.

Curtis gives them all their rankings. Celina is last. Coming in at 6 is Hugh; 5 is Floyd; 4 is Mary Sue; 3^rd is Alex, and the winner is either Naomi or Traci. . .but we’ll find out after the commercial.

I’m sorry .. .are the rest of you seeing commercials for the UniverSOUL Circus during this break, or is only DC that lucky? We get some epically good local ads around here.

Back. The highest ranking chef was…Traci! She says it always feels great to win a quickfire. Naomi is disappointed, but rationalizes that Traci has been cooking 20 years longer than she has. Traci gets $5000 for La Cocina and immunity for the elimination.

As the winner, Traci also gets to pick her team for the elimination, and choose whether she’s on the 3 or 4 person team. She picks Hugh, Naomi, and Mary Sue.

Curtis says that some chefs like to think of themselves as rockstars. But tonight, they’ll be cooking for “one of the biggest bands in the world.” Hahahahahahahahahah oh, I’m sorry. Was he serious? Because from the ads I thought they were cooking for Maroon fucking 5. Anyway, the chefs have to make one family style meal for the band, inspired by their requests.

Curtis reveals that the band is Maroon 5. A lot of the chefs clap politely and make “ah,” noises, but Floyd is impressed, and thinks his kids will be too. Oh, Floyd.

The band tells them via video about their requests for the meal, which range from vegan Mexican to Japanese steak.

The chefs head out to Whole Foods in their special transportation – tour buses, where they’ll also have to cook. Celina is happy that there are only 3 of them since the space is so limited. They menu plan en route to Whole Foods. Both teams seem to have created very disjointed and disconnected menus based on the band’s requests, but really, that’s all you can do. You can’t really create a cohesive menu when one person wants Japanese and steak, one person wants Thanksgiving, one person wants corn soup, one wants spanakopita, and one’s a vegan who wants Mexican food.

The team of 3 loses time at Whole Foods because Alex’s cart gets stuck on the escalator. That’s something I’ve always wanted to see happen – I actually lurk in that section of the Columbia Heights Target waiting for someone’s cart to get trapped. They still get out of the store before the other team, though, and Floyd is glad because this gives them a time advantage.

They hop back on their bus and start their prep. The other bus peels out afterward. Traci worries about her past as a “really super carsick child.” Oh, man. I feel her pain – I also got really super carsick as a child. Floyd says that when he and his wife retire, they want to get a “van” like this and travel the country. A hard brake flings open the team of four’s refrigerator and sends ingredients flying.

The Team of 3, which I guess is officially called the “Red Team” pulls up to the Roosevelt Hotel and gets to start cooking in their mini kitchen. They joke about draining the pasta in the bathroom “in honor of Hubert” which is both funny and a sad reminder of how much more awesome this show used to be, and Floyd ends up putting an induction burner on the toilet to maximize space. The other team is about ten minutes behind. Hugh is making corn soup with vanilla and coconut milk. That sounds vomitous to me. Alex is trying to help other people with their dishes. Commercial.

Back. Except while we were on commercial, my battery ran down on juice so I had to get my laptop plug and plug it in to the one plug in the living room that will take it, and to do this I had to unplug a lamp and move the sofa. . .anyway, it was a whole thing, and when I finished Maroon 5 was bowling and the chefs had 4 minutes left to finish.

Floyd is still cooking steak in the bathroom. Alex’s pasta is overcooked. They come out of the bus as Maroon 5 enters the dining room where Gail, Curtis, Dnayelle and Oseland await. The “Red Team” of 3 enters with their dishes, and Floyd continues geeking out about how much his family loves Maroon 5.

They introduce their dishes. Floyd has made Winter Salad and Soy and Rice Wine Vinegar Marinated Steak with Asian Slaw. Celina’s contributions are Silky Corn Soup, which is vegan, and Spanakopita with Cous Cous Salad. Alex has made a vegan Penne with Broccolini, Tomato and Garlic and a vegan Enchiladas with Onion and Seitan, as well as Coconut-Almond Tapioca with Grapes and Breaded Turkey Cutlets.

Some long haired guy from the band (I’m sorry – I don’t know any of their names except Adam Levine, and I’m not even 100% sure which one he is) likes the corn soup. Oseland is not pleased with the spanakopita, and one of the Maroon 5s says it tastes like it’s out of a package. They’re not impressed by the enchilada until they realize that it’s vegan, and Curtis says that “as a chef” he’d have no idea where to even START making an enchilada without cheese. I feel like a good drinking game would be to take a shot every time Curtis says “as a chef.” They’re not impressed with the lack of imagination in the pasta.

The “Black Team” of 4 has 5 minutes left to their service, and things are a bit testy. Back in the dining room, Adam Levine says the steak is “real good” but Gail doesn’t find it memorable. Oseland is completely disappointed in Floyd’s salad. The guy who wanted Thanksgiving loves the gravy but not the turkey cutlets. Oseland and one of the Maroon 5s fight over whether the tapioca was any good. They marvel at how much Alex did for the team and wonder what the rest of the team was up to.

Back on the other bus, Mary Sue has “covered the bed in tostadas” which Hugh tells us is “not any fetish I’ve ever heard of.” Oh, Hugh. Thank you for being a friend. They head out of their bus for service.

They open with a margarita and Mary Sue’s Chips with Salsa Diablo and Guacamole, with her vegan Tostadas with Black Beans, Mexican Chopped Salad, and Crispy Fried Avocado Wedge. Hugh has made Corn Soup with Vanilla, Pecans, and Brussels Sprouts and Fennel-Parmesan-Spinach Spanakopita, Dill Salad, Lemon Vinaigrette. Traci’s Japanese Style Steak, Miso Braised Daikon, Cucumber and Pea Shoot Salad is next, then Naomi’s Breaded Turkey, Chanterelle Smashed Potatoes, and Sour Cherry-Cranberry Chutney. They finish with her vegan Apple Crisp with Coconut, Almond, and Oats.

Curtis is thrilled with the margarita and they all enjoy the chips and salsa. They think the avocado wedge on top of the tostada “looks like poop that was rolled in birdseed” but it tastes good. They do not care for Hugh’s corn soup which “tastes like a bad candle smells.”

Danyelle thinks Traci’s steak was really well executed. Oseland thinks the corn on Naomi’s breaded turkey is too coarse, but some dude loves the potatoes. Oseland then calls her apple crisp “flaccid.”

On the bus, the teams confer and realize they’ve made many of the same choices with their menus, and worry about the implications. It gives the judges an easy job to compare. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. The chefs are drinking beer. Hugh talks about how the women in the competition have really stepped up. He cleans the sink and Mary Sue sexually harasses him. Hugh tells us he’s got “youth and panache and one eyebrow on my side.”

Really back. The chefs try to suss out whether the winning or losing team will go first. Curtis calls in the black team/team of four.

They go in to see the judges and are told that they were the favorites. Gail says there were a lot of beautiful little touches, and the food was comforting but still delicious. Then there are compliments, which are uninteresting and really nothing we didn’t hear in the dining scenes, except that Hugh’s spanakopita gets raved over.

Anyway, the winning chef is. . .Traci! She gets $10,000 for La Cocina, bringing her total winnings to $25,000. She says it would be pretty cool to be the first woman to have the title of Top Chef Masters. Ugh. Look, Bravo – you’re doing a good enough job letting us know that the fix is in. You don’t have to over sell it with these little testimonials.

They return to the bus and send the red team/team of three in to face their fates. Curtis tells them they were the least favorite, obviously.

Floyd admits they had a hard time with the restrictions. Curtis says it doesn’t seem like the work was split up evenly. Oseland takes his hat off to Alex for juggling so many dishes, but the enchilada had a ‘bizarre, not very appetizing texture.” Danyelle tells Floyd there was nothing interesting or innovative about his salad, and Oseland says his personality and style didn’t come through this week. Danyelle tells Celina her spanakopita was “indistinctive and forgettable.”

Curtis tells them the duress they were under came through in the food. They send the chefs off so they can deliberate. I suddenly want spanakopita.

Curtis says they allocated jobs poorly, and Oseland says Alex’s pasta was “actually bad.” Curtis says they shouldn’t put him out to sea when the other chefs didn’t do much. Floyd did little work and his personality didn’t come through in the food. There was nothing about Celina’s spanakopita or cous cous that spoke to being made by a chef of her caliber. Commercial.

Back. Gail tells Alex he took a lot of risks, but his pasta was lousy (my words, not hers).Danyelle says Floyd’s salad was so unremarkable than anyone could make it. Oseland doesn’t understand the pie/cous cous pairing, and the dishes cancelled each other out.

But the chef who’s leaving is. . .Alex. He has managed to win $10,0000 for his charity Faster Cures, but he acknowledges that this challenge was too much for him. He returns to the bus and shakes hands with his fellow chefs. He’s a bit sad to leave, but is glad to have learned he still has ‘the fire” after 30 years of cooking.

Next: blindfold taste tests! Oh, Darn it. Mary Sue is throwing the top of her thumb into the garbage can. GAEL GREENE’S HAT!!! And then some people make out on the floor of the dining room, which, gross.

Mysteries of 21st Century Wediquette

I like having rules for things. There, I said it. Life works better when there are rules and people follow them with dignity and mutual respect, or at least carefully plan their transgressions from them and go about those transgressions discretely or fabulously (because a departure from convention, when brilliantly pulled off, is one of the most satisfying things there can be).

And liking rules for things is one of the reason I started -- many, many years ago -- collecting antique etiquette manuals. The other reason is that I like old things.

But every spring and summer, as a new crop of wedding invitations slithers through my mail slot, I'm faced with the fact that there are now Things we just don't have Rules for yet. Yes, my dusty old books can tell me how to plan a "Hasty Wedding" appropriate for 1897, but I have 3 distinctly contemporary puzzles ...puzzling me at the moment.

So I thought I'd ask you lot for a ruling on them. Or just provide you with the opportunity to get your judgmental on, because let's face it -- that can be fun sometimes.

Problem Number One: The Wedding E-Vite. The first time I got an e-vite to a wedding was in 2007. I cringed a bit, yes, but . . . it was the second marriage for both the bride and the groom. It was a very casual event. I could see the rationale. I can see wanting to keep costs down and this being a way to cut a potentially huge item from your budget. I can see wanting to do a "green wedding" and not creating a piece of embossed, Crane watermarked waste for every person on your guest list.

Plus, the bride was a friend of mine. I give people I like a degree of latitude I don't extend to the rest of the world.

So when this girl from high school -- a girl I cannot stand but have invested 20 years of my life in being nice-ish to because I knew she had a difficult home life (and was well over the line in terms of being both a crazy religious person and just plain crazy) sent me an e-vite to her wedding a few months back, I let fly with the judgment. I sang an entire Italian aria of judgment to friends who provided a willing back up chorus, complete with "Da-doo-ron-rons" of judgment.

I just can't get past the thought that it is just SO tacky to invite people to your wedding the same way you'd invite them to your end of summer barbecue -- and in the same quantities as well. You get a mailed invitation to someone's wedding, you know that you are special enough to them to have made that cut (or a blood relative they have to invite anyway, but whatever).

You get a glittery purple e-vite where you can see that they've invited everyone from their church, their work, and your high school graduating class? You're nothing more to them than another opportunity for a blender.

Now that I've admitted my utter hypocrisy on this matter, what do you think?

Problem Number Two: Your Presence in Thoughts and Prayers. . . Or Via Skype. Forty years ago, my parents' wedding invitation said something like "if you are unable to attend, we thank you for your presence in thoughts and prayers."

Yesterday, the I (Heart) Jesus Bride from the wedding discussed above posted a link on facebook -- open to all 850 of her facebook friends -- to a webcam link to her church, so they can enjoy the ceremony even if they're not able to make it.

Now. . .again. I can definitely see how this could be ok. The bride worked in another country for a few years; they're going to have a number of friends that can't make it (and there are people like myself, who still can't wrap their vain little heads around the fact that this woman -- really? her? -- is getting married, and will tune in to see if the groom turns out to be a cardboard stand-ee of Han Solo or Jesus or something).

It would be a nice thing to do if it were something you were doing for a few people who were very special to you. But to publicly provide the info to eight hundred and fifty idiots on facebook?

Am I a nut for thinking there's something skeevy about this? What's your ruling, interwebs?

Problem Number Three: Appropriate Dress for Guests. I have a lovely white strapless dress with a black belt/sash and black trim at the top and around the hem. I have never worn this to a wedding because I would never wear a white dress to another woman's wedding.

But. . .

What if it's not another woman's wedding? What if it's the wedding of two men? Can a female guest wear white to a wedding when there's no bride to take attention away from?

I eagerly await your thoughts.

Top Chef Masters: Fast Food, Farmer Boys, and Failures

Well, there went the eye candy.

Good morning, farmer boys. How are you this morning? I’m a bit flummoxed, as my alarm went off right in the middle of a dream where some friends and I were at an event and the organizers said “please help yourself to complimentary all-you-can-eat breakfast.” So we ate a lot and then the organizers were all “ok, there is also complimentary luxury lunch,” and we were mad because they’d filled us up on the generic quality breakfast without mentioning the “luxury lunch,” but we went through to eat it anyway. And we were just sitting down to eat the luxury lunch when the alarm went off, so I don’t even know what made it luxurious.

Anyway. My head is a little done in because my dream process was interrupted. It’s a good thing this episode was fairly straightforward, because I don’t know that I’d be capable of working through anything that took more thought.

It was pretty obvious from early in the episode that George was going home. In fact, if I had to sum up the episode in two sentences, I could: oh look – George is speaking! Oh look – George is out!

Whenever someone who hasn’t had a lot to say in the first four episodes gets every other interview in the fifth …you know that person is going home. And George seemed like an ok guy, but he also seemed like he had a bit of an attitude…though that may’ve been just in this episode since WE’VE NEVER HEARD HIM SPEAK BEFORE.

Also, he was pretty cute, and for that he’ll be missed.

The episode was an interesting idea, and particularly so for what it showed about who could adapt and who couldn’t or wouldn’t. Some of them had the benefit of having thought up dishes that would work in the environment that was described (hands only eating); some took risks that they lucked out on, like Mary Sue getting the fryer they needed; and some just froze and couldn’t adjust or dug their heels in and decided not to.

I do wonder about the “no utensils” thing, though. What kind of restaurant doesn’t even have a plastic fork for you if you need it? Even McDonald’s will give you a plastic fork if you order a salad.

Anyway. More time for that later. Let’s get on with the show.

We open as usual with the chefs meandering in to the Top Chef Masters kitchen for their weekly dose of Quickfireage. Curtis greets them and they all gaze on a bunch of ingredients with bright pink and orange price tags. Their challenge is to design and cook an appetizer for ONE. DOLLAR.

Holy smokes, kids. One dollar? I have cooked on the cheap for. . .well, as long as I’ve cooked really. I was working on my MA when Survivor started, and I used to sit there watching those bastards complain about having “nothing but rice and fish” and scream “YOU BASTARDS HAVE FIIIIIIIISH!!!!!!” at the television. But I don’t know if I could make an appetizer that was worth shit for a dollar.

Anyway. The winner gets $5000 and immunity. Their guest diners are from American Public Media’s Dinner Party Download. I’m sorry. . .whose what now? Not to give away the store or anything, but I know more than most about Public Radio, and I have never heard about Dinner Party Download. Come on, Top Chef Masters. You couldn’t even get The Splendid Table lady?

The chefs start shopping for ingredients. Floyd says he’s good at budgeting because he came to America with only $100 in his wallet. Mary Sue goes over budget. Celina is planning to make a really inexpensive soup – she buys chicken stock, carrots, a lime and a shrimp. Hugh wrecks an egg and loses 18 cents. Alex is figuring the per price piece of almonds and calamari and comes in at 98 cents. Mary Sue is afraid to even taste the small amount of bacon she’s bought because she doesn’t want to not have enough for her appetizer. Naomi is using one cherry tomato and two spears of asparagus in her panzanella.

Five minutes left. Hugh and Naomi make up a bacon song. George is at $1.54 and has to take off two elements. Time!

Brendan Newnan and Rico Gagliano of Dinner PartyDownload…fame… enter. “This is like from the fanciest dollar store ever,” one of them says. Then they talk about their program for awhile, which is nice since I’ve never heard of it. In fact, I can’t find any evidence of it being carried on any actual public radio station – it seems only to exist in podcast form.

So why can’t you just admit that, Bravo? Why you gotta be all “oooh, we got the cool kids from American Public Media’s legitimate radio program” when what you’ve actually got is two dudes with a 15 minute podcast?

Seriously. You couldn’t get Lynn Rosetto Kasper? She would’ve done it. She’s a nice lady.

Anyway, the two dudes with a podcast begin tasting with Celina’s Spicy Carrot Soup with Lime-Pickled Shrimp. The guy with glasses finds it flavorful. The total cost of the dish was 96 cents, but non-glasses guy says he could see someone spending $15 on it.

Mary Sue’s Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato Salad with Celery Seed Vinaigrette is next. Someone says it’s inventive, which is ridiculous – who doesn’t have a BLT salad recipe. I question the credentials of these two guys who have a podcast (I would question Curtis’s credentials as well, but that’s been covered ad infitum). Anyway, it blows glasses guy’s mouth out with the salt.

Naomi’s Asparagus and Bread Salad with Cherry Tomato, and Lemon Vinaigrette is next. They admire the razor thin cuts on the asparagus. It’s well received. Hugh has made a Lyonnaise Salad with Bacon, Frisee, Radicchio, and Poached Egg. The judges say the chefs are putting fast food to shame (Foreshadowing!). Hugh thinks “Dollar Store” would be a great restaurant concept

Alex’s Spiced Squid with Garlic, Olives, and Almonds is next. Again, the judges talk about how they can’t believe it’s under a dollar. They find George’s Grilled Calamari Salad with Cucumber, Tomato, and Almonds underwhelming. It’s followed by Traci’s Chicken Paillard with Asparagus and Lemon Brown Butter, and finally we get to Floyd’s Fricassee of Shrimp and Asparagus with Beef and Tomatoes.

Back to the judging room. One of the judges jokes that coming from public radio, they know about budgets. Oh, the hi-larity. Anyway, their least favorites were George’s calamari and Mary Sue’s salad. The favorites were Alex’s spiced squid, Celina’s soup, and Naomi’s panzanella. Their overall favorite was. . .Naomi! Yay! I like her, even if everyone else thinks she’s bossy. So she gets another $5000 for Seed Savers Exchange and immunity for the elimination.

Curtis tells them that for their elimination, they’ll be taking a road trip where they’ll each be cooking a main dish and a side for up to 100 people. Their diners won’t have any utensils. Traci wonders where the location will be, and Curtis tells them he’ll meet them there tomorrow. Commercial.

Back! The chefs go shopping with the narrow guidelines Curtis has given them. Floyd is going crazy from the lack of information. Alex is planning to make ceviche and tortilla chips. Hugh can’t think of a side – all he can think of is slaw and “while we’ve all eaten slaw with our hands, it’s done in private.”

Traci is planning on a burrito. George is taking a risk on pork loin and clams. George is talking too much in this episode, whereas he’s never spoken more than six words in an episode before. Clearly, he’s out this evening. “That was a fiasco,” someone says as they leave.

And off they go in their product placement Lexuses, still speculating about where they’re going “I see waves, the beach, surfers…” says Mary Sue. She doesn’t feel good about having been on the bottom three times. And they pull up to their restaurant, which is. . .Farmer Boys.

What in hell is a Farmer Boys? Jesus, this episode is chock full of things I’ve never heard of before. Anyway, apparently it’s a “Fast Casual” restaurant with locations around California and Nevada. I’ve been on the East Coast too long, I guess. It looks like it exists in some weird nebulous restaurant class that’s somewhere between a Fast Food Restaurant with a drive thru and like a Bob’s Big Boy level restaurant with actual waiters.

Curtis welcomes them to Farmer Boys and tells them they’ll be taking over the lunch rush for the restaurant and the drive thru. They’ll work in two shifts – half in the kitchen while the other half take orders in the dining room and the drive-thru, and then they’ll swap.

They rush in for their prep. Mary Sue has fast food experience in a donut shop and a pizzeria. Celina’s first job was at a Bennigan’s, and she thinks that’ll help her. I used to heart the crap out of Bennigan’s back in the day. You know, I think it’s been too long since I ate anywhere “fast casual.” I have this really weird form of food snobbery where I’ll eat absolute crap OR fine dining, but I shun places like Friday’s and Ruby Tuesdays and so on. I think the last thing I had that could be described as “fast casual” was the Lambert’s in Sikeston, and that’s not really fast casual. That’s an icon. They’ve got throwed rolls, for chrissakes.

Someone is making pancakes. which seems odd considering that they’re serving the lunch rush. They have 15 minutes to service. “Is it still called service in fast food?” Hugh wonders. George is working with his original pork and clams concept and thinks it’s probably the first time clams have been served at a Farmer Boys. Oh George. You are so doomed.

Service! Naomi starts her shift at the drive thru. She loves her headset. Floyd, George, and Traci are also with her on service – Traci as cashier, George is calling orders, and Floyd is doing the table number system and the other register.

Meanwhile, Hugh, Celina, and Mary Sue are cooking. A line starts forming at both the dining room and the drive thru and the food’s not ready. And one of Alex’s salmon tacos hits the floor, and he complains about George being unclear in what he needs. There’s some sort of mess where George doesn’t get the full order to Naomi. He does seem to have the worst attitude of all of them in terms of this challenge, yet another sign that we will be waving a fond farewell to him before the night is over. “It’s like an architect who builds beautiful tall buildings can’t even make a house out of Lego,” Hugh says. And the judges mosey in. Commercial.

Back! We’re still on the first shift. Oseland and Alan come up to the counter and order. The kitchen is underwater, so Traci goes into the back to help, but ends up getting annoyed by Mary Sue. Oseland talks to a diner who’s been waiting 15 or 20 minutes. He and Alex order one of everything and collect their number – 98. We don’t see the scene where the table with number 3 is still waiting for their food, sipping sullenly at their third grape soda of the day.

In the meantime, Curtis and Danyelle drive up to the drive thru, but Naomi has been pulled away from the window to help serve customers in the dining room. Curtis has to honk to get her attention, and they finally order one of everything. Her heart sinks as she wonders how long they’ve been waiting.

Oseland and Alan toast with their paper cups. Danyelle and Curtis begin with Hugh’s Bahn Mi of Pork and Liver Pate, Chili Watermelon with Serrano and Feta. Oseland is underwhelmed by the watermelon feta salad. They like the flavor of Mary Sue’s Skirt Steak Quesadilla Diablo, and Curtis likes the Quinoa Fritters with Sweet Pepper Garlic Mayo. “It’s like a healthy hush puppy,” Danyelle says “You’re a healthy hush puppy, Curtis says saucily.

Oooh, girl who played Jane in the failed American version of Coupling better look out – her man’s making eyes at the blog girl.

They’re not crazy about Alex’s Salmon Fish Taco with Fennel and Apple Slaw, which is more of a burrito, but Danyelle likes the Butternut Squash Fritter. Celina’s Lamb, Pork and Garbanzo Wrap is unwrapped “it’s having an existential dilemma” Oseland says, and calls it “a pancake with some stuff on it.” We don’t hear about her Pickled Cauliflower because Oseland is too busy looking forward to the other four. He and Alan hop into the Lexus while Curtis and Danyelle take their “drive thru date” to the dining room.

The second team starts firing their food. This time, Alex is runner, Mary Sue is on Drive Thru, Celina expedites and Hugh is on register trying to charm the customers but not being terribly helpful. Curtis stares dumbfounded at Hugh’s attempt at patter.

The orders start backing up once again, and the critics show up. Curtis and Danyell order one of everything from the counter, while Oseland and Alan do the same at the window. Celina gets into a hole expediting and is holding back tickets before calling them out, which them puts even further behind.

“If we were driving, this would count as making bad time,” Alan jokes as he and Oseland sit in the Lexus. George is not enjoying the fast food environment. “It’s lke ‘we were supposed to be in San Antonio an hour ago,'” Oseland jokes as passengers in the Lexus of DOOM continue waiting. Curtis wonders if the back up is due to the kitchen or the service staff.

The critics begin eating with George’s Pork and Chorizo Skewer with Clam, Cucumber and Olive Side. Oseland says it’s the ugliest food he’s seen in his life. “Not enough drive thru’s in manhattan,” Alan speculates.

Curtis likes the flavor of Traci’s Chicken Chili Verde Burrito, Jicama Sticks and Tortilla Chips so much that he pounds the table. Alan can picture driving while he eats it. Oseland is impressed by the fresh made wrap on Floyd’s Chicken Frankie with Cucumber, Daikon, and Grape Slaw as opposed to Celina’s “pancake”.

Curtis says there’s nothing wrong with Naomi’s Grilled Rib Eye Steak Sandwich on Ciabatta, Caesar Salad with Herbed Croutons, but there’s nothing great about it. “Even you don’t look sexy eating your salad like that” Danyelle tells Curtis as he noshes the Caesar salad with his fingers. Oh, the tension between these two. You need a knife to cut it. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. The chefs hash over which shift had the worst of it. Floyd has never worked a register before, and couldn’t find the ice. Ineptitude is so amusing.

Really back. Curtis calls Alex, George, and Celina into the dining room of Farmer Boys. Traci thinks they’re probably the bottom three.

Traci is right, of course, since Celina’s wraps were repeatedly called pancakes and George has been obviously going home since the first minute. The critics complain about the service and then start in on the dishes. Celina doesn’t know why she’s on the bottom. Danyelle calls her out for her unwrapped wrap, and Alan says the food was underseasoned. Oseland found the cauliflower a “relatively pleasing little mouthful” but doesn’t understand its relationship to the “so called wrap.”

George has to explain that the clam was part of the side dish. Danyelle says it was well cooked but hard to eat. Curtis says he snubbed his nose at being in a fast casual environment, but George denies this.

Alex admits to being out of his element, and that he missed the mark on his side. Danyelle says the burrito was practical, but too sweet.

They get sent to the kitchen and send back Mary Sue, Traci, and Floyd. Traci is reassured that it looks like they reversed the order.

Curtis tells them they’re lucky they weren’t being judged on their service, because they had great dishes. Oseland tells Floyd the Frankie wrap was genius. Curtis was in love with Traci’s burrito after one mouthful (that’swhatshesaid). Curtis thinks Mary Sue had an advantage in this environment because of the Border Grill’s food truck, and Danyelle thinks the fritters were dynamite.

And the overall favorite is. . . Mary Sue. Mmmmm hmmmmm. Oh, who was it said they’d been floating her the first few rounds to improve the chances of having a female winner in the long run? Would that be me? Yes. Yes that would. Just watch – this is where she starts surging forward for her redemption edit.

(Those fritters do look really freaking good, though)

They congratulate her. She gets $10,000 for Share Our Strength. Oseland says that what she made would’ve been great in any context, and she says she’ll put the quinoa fritters on the food truck’s menu.

The judges send them back while they deliberate. Oseland says that Alex’s food didn’t have “direct immediate flavors,” and Danyelle found a lot of the little elements distracting. Curtis says he struggled to be adaptable.

Celina’s dish was, according to Danyelle “a lost cause,” and they all make more pancake comparisons to her wrap. Oseland adds that the filling was tasteless.

But on George’s dish, no one knew which was the side and which was the main. Alan says that pork loin and chorizo is “not a dish,” and Oseland complains about how ugly it was. Curtis says he didn’t adapt to the challenge. They agree that they’ve reached a consensus. Commercial.

Oh, look. A Rocco’s Dinner Party Commercial. Oh my god, Caroline from Real Housewives of New Jersey AND Liza Minelli? My skepticism about this show was just destroyed altogether.

Back. Alan says that Alex’s salmon taco didn’t come together in a cohesive way. Oseland tells George he didn’t adapt to fast food. And Danyelle repeats the pancake claim about Celina’s wrap. And the chef who will be leaving is. . .George. But they will be making a donation to Water.org even though he has to pack his knives.

George says that no one likes to lose, but he decided to take a risk and stand behind his food. He wants to learn more, travel more, and bring more to the table. He’s not going out a sore loser; he’s going out happy.

Next: Seven minutes. Who’s got the caviar. I do have the caviar. It’s like a quickfire on steroids. We are Maroon 5. Cooking environment is ridiculous. It’s disgusting. Lovely. The mashed potatoes will be your Yoko Ono. Oh, look – Gail! Hi Gail! We miss you!