I know. I’m the worst. The. Worst.
Let me explain: I was sitting on my couch two Wednesdays ago, ready to watch Gael Greene’s Hat do her thing, and my phone rang. And I got sucked into a call that went on for forty-five minutes, and by the end of it, it was too late to start the episode then, so I figured I’d get to it. . .sometime in the next few days.
And then I spent the next few days going to various events and getting my hair done prior to said events and showing guests who were in town for said events around said town between events.
Also, I was a little freaked out by Blogger's shenanigans -- the previous post disappeared for a few days, then it was back with no comments, and now the comments are back...I still have no idea what happened.
But I thought “no biggie. Bravo is taking next week off. I’ll just use next week as my this week, and write a week behind, and it won’t matter.”
And then. . .I found a giant, painful lump in my armpit on Wednesday night, and I freaked the fuck out and had to sedate myself into a near coma state just to sleep through to the next morning so I could get to the doctor’s first thing the next morning.
Long story short (too late!) – it was just a swollen lymph node; it has already de-swelled, and I am enjoying all the grotesque side-effects (feminine and otherwise) listed on the Amoxicillin bottle.
So while I probably could have watched the previous episode this weekend and written about it, I was too busy trying not to think about how everything I ate got pooped out immediately, how I had intense stomach pains if I didn’t eat because my body was trying to find something to poop and thought my innards might do the trick, and how my nether parts were itching – oh my god, how they were itching.
Aren’t you glad you asked?
But now I’m back, and Ruth Reichl’s giant wall of hair is back too after having disappeared after the second episode – how the hell did she con her way into a “regular” credit on the show when she’s only been in three of eight episodes so far? And Hugh is back to being gone, just like he was at the end of the first episode.
I will miss Hugh. In a snoozer of a season, he’s been one of the few chefs to demonstrate any sort of personality. But really, he made mayonnaise. He had to leave.
The episode was another example of an interesting conceit that really never got going – see previous note about the lack of personalities. So instead of dwelling on that any longer, suppose we just get going? And I’ll make a promise to you, test tubes: sometime this weekend, I will get around to responding tothe comments on the last post that Bravo ate for awhile and then spit back out, and I will also finally getting to write about Gwyneth Paltrow’s brownies, which I made like a million and a half years ago.
I will say that I think this episode was a pretty clear set up for a Floyd/Mary Sue/ Traci finale. A finale for which the recap will at the very least be late, conflicting as it does with the second game of a three game Cardinals/Nationals series.
Priorities, folks. Priorities.
Let’s start the show.
We open in the Masters’ Kitchen, where the 5 remaining chefs are greeted by the oozing pile of Aussie-ness that is Curtis. He tells them that they can’t use any of the cutting edge equipment in the kitchen for their quickfire – they have to use a microwave to create a breakfast dish in 10 minutes. The microwave is the only source of heat, and the dish must be hot.
Hugh remembers having an early microwave back in 1976, and one of his friends not being able to come over because his parents were afraid of radiation. My parents, conversely, did not get a microwave until the 90s, despite my periodic begging. I don’t know if it was necessarily radiation that they were concerned about, but it was some such hippieish food related belief. Anyway, I seldom use mine now, though I’m forever in the one at work reheating stuff.
Food flurry. There’s a lot of bacon and eggs going on. Naomi grew up without a microwave, and has no idea how to use it. Traci is making an egg en cocotte, but without the white because she doesn’t like the white. Mary Sue only uses the microwave to reheat her tea; she’s making a goat cheese and avocado sandwich. Nom.
Five minutes remaining. People are having bacon issues, as one often does in a microwave, I find. Nmi’s eggs aren’t cooking so she pours them over the top of everything. Twenty-seven seconds. Time! Hugh is disappointed in the cookery of the egg, but believes everyone will be in the same boat.
Their guest diners are Frangela, the female comedy duo you probably recognize from a million “I heart the” specials on VH-1. Or, at least, that’s where I recognize them from. They are masters of microwaves, because sometimes nothing’s open when they get off stage.
They open with Naomi’s Egg, Bacon, Spinach and Chanterelles on Biscuit with Fruit Salad. Part of Frangela finds the biscuit heavy. Hugh’s Baked egg, Chanterelles, Bacon and Tomato is next. The part of Frangela in the red top wishes the egg was less cooked, but the part in the purple top thinks it’s perfect.
Mary Sue’s Goat Cheese and Avocado on Baguette, Bacon Vinaigrette is messy to eat, and “more of a midnight snack” according to Frangela. Curtis compare’s Floyd’s Chanterelles, Bacon, and Spinach Omelet with Grilled Tomatoes to airplane food, but purple Frangela loves it.
Finally, they have Traci’s Oeuf en Cocotte, Chanterelles, Bacon and Bananas with Lime. They’re amazed by the presentation, say it makes them feel like they’re in the Caribbean, and use this as an excuse to encourage Curtis to take off his shirt. “I have a tip for you, ladies,” he says, “never cook bacon naked.”
This is true, by the way. I know this not because I’ve ever cooked bacon – or anything else – naked, but because I once cooked potstickers in shorts, and gave myself a second degree burn on the inside of my thigh when some of the hot oil burst out at me. I can see bacon and nudity resulting in similar problems.
“And never use a meat grinder naked either,” Floyd adds in the screening room. O…..kay. That one I can’t back up with my own experience. Ultimately, they don’t think there’s much to Traci’s egg dish.
Frangela tells the chefs that their least favorites were Mary Sue’s avocado sandwich with its hard bread and Traci’s oeuf en cocotte which was not very filling, and “too artistic”.
Their favorites were Floyd’s airplane omelet, which was “moist and delicious.” They also liked Hugh’s baked egg, which was “beautiful and inspired.” Hugh is the winner, for his 3rd quickfire win. He gets $5000 for Wholesome Wave. Floyd can’t believe he’s never won a quickfire. Commercial.
Back! Curtis tells them that recipes are a lot like scientific formulas because yada yada yada bullshit rationale for a challenge. He welcomes their laboratory assistants – “5 people in lab coats.” They’re scientists, who each have a set of ingredients that represent a scientific principle – pizza dough for elasticity, liquids for viscosity, citrus for acidity, vinegar for emulsion, and beef for the Maillard reaction.
Hugh gets to pick his principle first, and he chooses emulsion. He picks Traci to choose next, and she takes acidity. She lets Floyd go next and he gets the Maillard reaction. His pick, Mary Sue takes viscosity, and Naomi is stuck with elasticity and the fun of being the one no one picked, just like me in elementary school gym class. Wah-wah. They have to make a dish that represents their scientific principle and tastes good, and they’ll present it tomorrow at an “edible science fair.” Oh, and they’re cooking with science equipment like test tubes and beakers, and using Bunsen burners as heat.
They meet with their scientists to discuss their concepts and how to use the equipment. Mary Sue is going to make a viscosity dessert because she knows kids love sweets. Hugh isn’t stretching much beyond making dressing for his emulsification. Floyd has a Masters in biochemistry, and a handle on what he wants to do… and some regrets that his father wanted him to be a scientist or doctor, disapproved of his cooking and never got to see his success.
They head to Whole Foods for 30 minutes of shopping with a $300 budget. Hugh is making an okra salad. Naomi is making pizza dough with different types of flour to show how gluten changes elasticity. Traci is making a ceviche. With 6 minutes left, Floyd runs off to the meat counter, and gets a steak with less than a minute left using Hugh and Mary Sue as a relay.
Back to the kitchen/lab with 4 hours to prep. Mary Sue is trying to fry in a huge beaker on her Bunsen burner, which looks awesome. She’s making churros with different sauces to show the different rates at which the liquids run. Floyd is making beef 2 ways to demonstrate the Maillard reaction – one will be poached to show that if you cook at a low temperature, you don’t get the Maillard reaction. He really wants to win this one – he’s been in the top with Mary Sue twice, and she’s beaten him both times -- and feels lie he has a chance because it’s science based. Hugh is having a hard time keeping his scientist in line. In fairness to Hugh, the scientist is kind of a joyless dick. In fairness to the scientist, though, Hugh has somehow managed to make it into grown-ass-manhood while still retaining the lovely “science is for NERDS” attitude he probably had in high school.
Traci is going to show how the acid in the lemon can cook the fish without heat. 5 minutes. Naomi’s calzones are blowing out in the hot oil. She’s stressed. Commercial.
Back. It’s the next morning and they have 1 and a half hours to prep in the Masters’ kitchen. The scientists help them and set up their demonstration stations in the “science fair” room. Floyd breaks a Bunsen burner, and thinks that winning this challenge would be a great way to honor the Young Scientists Cancer Research Foundation. Naomi knows that there’s a lot that could go wrong with her little calzones. Mary Sue’s oil isn’t staying hot once she drops the churros in.
Hugh is getting some static from his scientist for not demonstrating the emulsion. “You wanna play good scientist bad scientist?” Hugh asks “You’re not a scientist. You have to be curious to be a scientist,” his scientist sneers. Dayum.
The kids enter the edible science fair and spread out among the stations, many of them heading out to Mary Sue’s churro station. The judges soon follow – Curtis, Padma, Ruth Reichl’s giant freaking hair, and Oseland.
Hugh has made Augustine into a reluctant straight man for his routine. Ruth tells him she’s glad to see he’s still here. Oh, that’s right – our “regular judge” was here for the first episode, where Hugh got ousted, and then the second one. . .and then hasn’t been heard of since. She’s totally earning her paycheck, Ruth Reichl is. It was totally worth replacing Gael Greene’s Hat with this absentee wall of hair. Well done, Bravo. Good choice on that one.
Padma and Curtis start at Mary Sue’s station and to learn about viscosity and get some Dulce De Leche Churros, Chocolate Mousse and Spiced Café de Olla. Hugh tells Ruth Reichl’s Hair and James Oseland’s …Suspenders about the principle of emulsion and how that’s demonstrated in his Fried Okra Salad with Tomato, Fennel, Bacon, and Green Goddess Dressing.
Next we see Curtis and Padma getting Traci’s Tuna Carpaccio and Ahi Tuna Tartare to see the different effects of acid, and Suspenders and Hair getting a lesson in elasticity through Naomi’s Fried {Pizzetta with Mozzarella, Salumi, and Green Olive Marinara and Calzone with Truffle, Mozarella, Chanterelles and Arugula with Veal and Balsamic Gelee.
Floyd struggles with his broth overreducing on the Bunsen burner, and he has to add water to it. Curtis and Padma arrive at his station and get his Maillard reacting Spice Crusted Beef, Mushrooms, Asparagus, and Fried Potatoes (nom) and non-Maillard reacting poached Beef Shabu-Shabu.
We see short clips of the judges going around to the stations we didn’t see them at the first time, and then they regroup to compare notes. The chefs hug their scientists goodbye. Naomi is disappointed that “at the end of the day, I served a pizza pocket.” Commercial.
Fakeback. Naomi says she’s always been more of a “natural sciences person,” and started putting off all her homework in college to cook dinner parties for her scientist roommates.
Back. Curtis tells them he loved the edible science fair, and calls them all back to the Critics’ Table. Ruth Reichl peers at them from under her tarp of hair. The two favorites overall were Mary Sue and Floyd – just as Floyd predicted. Ruth Reichl’s hair says that Mary Sue’s presentation was compelling and her food was delicious. James Oseland’s suspenders says Floyd’s demonstration was great and he loved the broth. And the one who wins $10,000 for their charity is. .. Mary Sue. Oh, poor Floyd. Oseland wishes Mary Sue was his science teacher. She’s earned $30,000 for Share Our Strength to date.
Mary Sue and Floyd go back to the wine room. “Sorry to steal it from you,” Mary Sue whispers. Floyd is happy she won, but hates coming in second to her.
Back in the critics’ table, Naomi explains why she had things out that they could touch. Oseland says that maybe she had too many things out there. Padma says her calzone was soggy. Oseland liked Hugh’s explanation, but the emulsification in his mayonnaise had started to come apart at the sides. Ruth Reichl’s hair is disappointed that he chose the most obvious route. Curtis found Traci’s demonstration obvious. Ruth Reichl’s hair wishes she’d shown the flavor of acid more. Padma says she should’ve showcased several different types of acid.
Curtis sends them back to the wine room. Naomi thinks she’s going.
Back in the critics’ table room, Padma talks about how messy Hugh’s salad was, and Ruth Reichl’s hair thinks he mailed it in.
Ok, looking at this picture, I'm suddenly aware that it's not that Ruth Reichl's hair is so huge in this episode -- it's more that she has tremendously unflattering bangs and the hair wings out from the sides of her head a little. She's a tiny lady, and this haircut is swallowing her. Please, Ruth Reichl -- change to a haircut that doesn't consume your features this way.
Anyway. On more relevant matters, Oseland says Traci’s food “wasn’t that delicious for me,” thus retaining his title as Giver of World's Shittiest and Least Specific Critiques, and that she didn’t demonstrate the principle. Padma says again that it was too obvious. Curtis feels like Naomi didn’t really do a demonstration, and Padma talks more about the soggy calzone. Oseland says it “spurt[ed] in your mouth in the most unpleasant way.” That’s what she said. Commercial.
Back. Oseland says that Naomi’s elasticity explanation was “muddy.” Padma tells Hugh he didn’t highlight the emulsification. Ruth Reichl’s hair wishes Traci had dug deeper. And the chef leaving tonight. .. is Hugh. He leaves with $15,000 for Wholesome Wave.
Hugh says it’s a great honor to have been here for his charity, and a lot of fun. He says some other things, but I keep thinking about how much he must hate Ruth Reichl and her giant hair colony – in the 5 episodes where she was off writing annoying, gnomic tweets, he did really well. But in 2 of the 3 episodes where she was around, he got bounced.
Next time: Naomi is screaming at some guy behind a screen. Soldiers! Floyd cries.
