Project Runway: (No Longer) New (Still Un)Balance(d)

(The title is a callback, children)

A green chiffon top
Or unenforced rules of game?
Which sent Danielle home?

Good morning, cornflakes. Did you enjoy last night’s episode? It certainly was full of… things, wasn’t it?

I actually had a hard time taking it all in, both because there were so many … things and because like everyone else on the East Coast, I waiting for this Irene thing to happen, and wondering whether I should try to get the crap out of town before everyone else does. I am usually very good at poo-pooing weather hysteria, muffins, but this one has got itself under my skin.

But the episode. I mean, clearly the first theme was “what a bunch of lousy asshole teammates.” Joshua was a lousy asshole teammate. Bert was a lousy asshole teammate. Anthony and Laura were lousy asshole teammates, and whiny crybabies once it turned out that the fruits of their antagonism were Bert putting out an ok design while they produced crap.

The other theme, though, I think was “this is clearly irregular and unfair.” And the first example of that was Viktor and Ofldffdjfrrr being allowed to choose which contestant came back. When has anyone other than the last person ousted come back when a contestant dropped out, on any reality competition, ever? If Cecilia had done the right thing and dropped out the previous evening (and don’t get me started on Cecilia), Julie would have still been in the competition.

It’s not that I’m not thrilled to have Bald Spanking Mormon Josh back, understand. It’s just one of those things I have to file under (to quote Whitney) not right, but ok.

What is neither right nor ok, though, is Danielle’s ouster. Heidi was absolutely right – as much as I complain about it from time to time, the competition is meant to be based on who made the best and worst outfits that week. Who they want to see more from, or who’s been the better designer overall is only meant to come into play if there’s an absolute tie. And there was absolutely not a tie this week – Danielle made another boring piece of shit garment, yes, but Anthony barely made a garment at all. It was merely a wodge of fabric that managed not to fit his model in anyway, anywhere.

He should’ve been gone. And I hate the universe for making me defend that wet lump Danielle, and for making me agree with Heidi, again.

Let’s get this over with so we can all go buy sandbags, shall we?

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments. We flash on little cards with the contestants’ names on them, that’ve been set out on top of shoeboxes and gym clothes. Anthony perceptively realizes it’s an athletic challenge. In the ladies’ apartment, Becky tries to rouse Cecilia, who pouts in bed. They also have a note telling them to meet Heidi and Tim at the New Balance track.

Cecilia informs us that she didn’t feel like getting out of bed because she’s angry that the judges sent Julie home and she’s still here. Which… ok, sour princess. Why didn’t you say so on the runway, then? Because last week you said it wouldn’t have made sense to do that. Dumb bitch. She refuses to change into her gym clothes.

Kimberly vows not to ride on her immunity. Danielle giggles that at least she was in “the top of the bottom 3.”Ulgh, useless lump. Eventually, everyone heads out, even Cecilia.

They turn up at The Armory and hit the track. “Look how cute you guys are,” Heidi tells them. They’re here because Heidi thought it would be a good idea to get them out of the house… and because they’ll be working in four teams of three for the next challenge, and each team will have a captain. Anthony and Viktor don’t want Bert. Bert doesn’t want anyone.

To determine who becomes captain, they have to run around the 200 meter track. The winners will be captains. Cecilia mopes some more about how unhappy she is to be there. She heads over to Tim and Heidi, explaining that “I tried my best to get out yesterday” because she “hate[s] this.” Really, dumbass? Really? You tried your best? You stopped just short of trying to mention that you didn’t want to be there so that you would’ve been the one sent home, didn’t you?

They give her the talk about how it’s not going to work for her if she doesn’t want to be there. She opts to go, saying she doesn’t want to take anyone’s opportunity (except for Julie’s, which she was clearly fine taking the previous night). She wanders off the track, saying it took her a long time to become the woman she wants to be and she doesn’t want to change that for anyone. Whatever. Don’t let the door hit you.

After a heavy moment, the designers run their asses around the track. Danielle says she’s “like hauling ass.” Olsdfidfdfr wipes out on the track. Joshua is first across the finish line. Bryce and Anthony follow behind him, and then Viktor. Bert is the last one to cross the finish line, with Heidi joining him in heels for the last few meters.

A medic takes a look at Oliver. Oliver faints while being examined. “This looks bad,” says Tim Gunn, master of understatement. Commercial.

Back. Olfirfdfsdr interviews that he had a panic attack. He thinks he’ll be fine, though.

Heidi and Tim call up the team captains, and tell them to choose. Joshua chooses Anya, of course, since everyone thinks she’s some sort of taste and design savant despite her poor sewing skills and her tendency to make the same top week after week. Bryce chooses Kimberly, of course, because she was last week’s winner. Anthony chooses Laura ,of course, because they’re ass buddies from the previous challenge. Viktor picks Orersfdfdffr, of course, because they want to have all the incomprehensible accents on one team.

“This feels like volleyball in Jr. High School,” Bert tells Becky and Danielle, since they’re the last three left. Joshua takes Becky. Bryce takes Danielle. And Anthony is stuck with Bert. Viktor and Oliver are stuck with two… but they can choose ANYONE who’s been eliminated to come back and be on their team and in the competition again.

And they choose…JOSH C!!!!! The Bald Spanking Mormon is BACK! Time for a little LDS & M, baby!

Heidi tells them that they have to create a look to go with the sneakers she’s designed for New Balance. They have to use denim and suede (sneaker materials) and make 3 winning looks. The winning look will be sold on Amazon as part of Heidi’s line. Aha, another make money for Heidi challenge. These are always so delightful. Or not.

They have 30 minutes to caucus and sketch before going to Mood. On team Joshua M., Becky wants to design an off the shoulder dress that can be worn “with leggings or without.” Joshua winces at leggings, which he says are over. Oh, thank God. I hope he’s right. I hope leggings really are over.

Team Viktor and Ofdfffrrr have vague ideas that they communicate to each other through a series of chirps and beeps. Bryce and his team seem to have cohesive ideas and pull them together pretty quickly. Anthony and Laura discard all of Bert’s ideas.

Tim tells them to get back into their street clothes and go to MOOD. They have a $300 budget and 30 minutes to shop. Fabric flurry! Josh and Anya override all of Becky’s ideas. Viktor thinks he and Offfrr have an advantage because they don’t have to struggle with a third person. Bert isn’t being allowed input into the fabric choices on his team either. Time! Thank you Mood.

Back at Parsons, Tim reminds them that the denim and suede should be prominent in their looks, but it should be present. They have until 11 p.m. tonight.

Bryce and Danielle are frustrated from having been on the bottom, and he feels like they’re the underdogs.

The door swings open and Team Viktor walks in complete with their Bald Spanking Mormon. “I’m the happiest boy alive!” he says. Laura is happy Josh C. came back because “he’s a good person. He deserves it.” Commercial.

Back. The teams continue working. Anya and Joshua consult with each other and ignore Becky. Joshua says he needs her for her work, not “to be thinking too much, or designing anything at all.” Jesus. What a fucking douchebag.

Anthony is trying to keep the peace on his time, but finds Bert’s attitude sour. Bert also doesn’t remember Anthony’s name, because apparently he doesn’t think he’s “that significant.” I’m beginning to wonder if Bert is ok in the head.

Becky is shocked to learn that Anya’s never sewn jersey. Becky’s beginning to feel like her teammates’ intern, not a member of the team.

Heidi and Tim thru. Oh, good. Let’s see some stank German bitchery. She wonders if team Bryce’s “cowl hoodie” is really fashion forward or cool, and says their leather dress is boxy and a hard sell to be part of their collection. Kimberly feels like they have to start over. Laura interviews that “Bryce is a sunken ship” and it’s time for him to go home.

On team Viktor, they call the long skirt “a bit farmy,” and she doesn’t think the pieces in their collection work together. Oliverrrsrsefsdfr feels like on the runway he can prove they’ll love his farmy skirt.

On team Anthony, she questions the neck on Laura’s design, and asks Anthony to think about his “high waisted Grecian Goddess jumpsuit” with sneakers. They think Bert’s is too dressy too.

They head to team Joshua M., and Heidi asks why he’s making the same dress he made last week. They want to infuse Anya’s modernness into Joshua’s design. Tim is worried about the fact that Becky’s role in the process has been so “trivialized” that she’ll be thrown under the bus.

It’s nine when Heidi and Tim leave, and she decides to give them until 4 a.m. instead of eleven. They all clap like idiots. Yayyyyy! We get to stay up until 4!!!! Yayyyy!!!! It doesn’t seem to occur to them that there are probably ways she could’ve extended the time that might’ve been more humane, like moving the runway show the next day back the same number of hours or something.

Becky tries to suggest some changes to the dress, and Joshua says “Becky, you design dowdy dresses.” She walks off. He says her demographic is “40 to dead” and then corners her in the sewing room and tries to tell her that dowdy isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Then he flounces off and continues berating her from a distance. She shuts herself in the women’s room, slamming the stall door in the cameraman’s face. Good for her. The cameraman pretty much deserved it. Commercial.

Back. Becky is still crying in the ladies’. Anya comes in and asks if she can talk to her. Joshua barges in and makes a more articulate apology. It’s not sincere, but at least it’s the right words. They do an insincere team hug to cap it off.

Models. Oferrrr thinks the outfit Heidi didn’t like looks amazing. Laura and Anthony don’t think Bert’s skirt works, and he thinks their works look Midwestern. Anthony says that if their team loses, Bert’s out.

Danielle worries that the extra time could be a curse because Heidi will wonder why they didn’t do more with it. Joshua’s team adds red stripes for a pop of color. Fashion flurry. Time.

Next day. Anthony is running a fever and feels like crap. Tim enters and tells them they have two hours for blah blah blah product placement. Bert and Joshua have a fight over a sewing machine, and Bert tells Joshua to drop dead. Bert thinks Joshua tries to intimidate people with his brashness, and mutters “self centered prick.” Which…Bert’s a grouch, but he’s not wrong.

Hair and make-up flurry. They get the models dressed and accessorized, and the models with their sneakers head down to the runway. Laura feels like her fate is completely out of her hands. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi Hallos them while wearing some sort of …glittery cat suit? She welcomes Josh the Bald Spanking Mormon back to the contest, and then introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Model and Designer Erin Wasson. Let’s start the show.

First out is Viktor’s grey cotton dress under a cute motorcycle style jacket. Josh’s contribution is pants with a grey t-shirt – just an ordinary grey t-shirt with some weird leather detail. And Odfsierrrr has made a dark leather or denim racer back top with the much malighned farmer skirt.

Next out we have Bryce’s usual space dress, this time rendered in the denim. Kimberly has made some tailored shorts and a pretty fierce jacket. Danielle has made a horrible teal tank top and a pair of extremely boring shorts. She should be so gone.

And here comes Anthony’s look, a shittastic jumper with gymshorts at the bottom. It’s too big on the model too. Laura’s outfit is shorts and a tank with some sort of drapey vest. Bert has made a mini skirt and an off the shoulder top in the same material Laura’s top is. Some of the ladies whisper that it looks like she’s going to work and sparing her heels.

Joshua’s outfit is shorts and a long t-shirt with a shredded vest. Next we have Becky’s contribution which god knows who designed it, but it’s this messy skirt with an equally messy tank top. Anya’s dress looks like it’s made from a space leopard, but it’s better than the shit the other two produced.

Heidi tells them it was a little bit all over the place (thank you, Heidi Klum, mistress of understatement)– in each team, there were looks they liked and ones they didn’t, so there were no clear higher or lower teams. They’re going to be talking to all of them, beginning with Joshua and Anthony’s teams. Bryce and BSMJosh note that the teams out there now are the ones who couldn’t work together. Commercial.

Back. Heidi begins with Anthony’s group. He lists who worked on what, and says he and Laura worked well together, but Bert didn’t. Bert says he tried to work with them as a team. Anthony says he didn’t like Bert’s look. Bert brings up the fabric issues. Anthony keeps yelling at Bert about how his look looks like a cocktail dress.

Heidi asks Anthony if Bert’s look is going to a diner, where’s his going. “Nowhere,” he admits. Kors points out that the shorts are big and tight at the same time, and that she has both cameltoe and camelbutt. Heidi tells them that Bert’s is the only good look on the team. Ha. Suck it, mean girls. Kors says that it’s not necessarily appropriate for the challenge, but it works, whereas Anthony made one messy garment and Laura made three messy garments. He doesn’t see a connection between any of the three looks. Anthony claims that he got caught up in trying to work with “everyone” and that Laura was a pleasure to work with. Oh, bullshit. You two princesses didn’t “try” to work with Bert – I’m not saying he would’ve been a joy to work with if you had – don’t even pretend you did.

Joshua tells them he had a hand in all three pieces, but that he did the center one, Becky’s was the two piece, and Anya’s was the maxi dress. Heidi feels like they used the extra time to bedazzle their existing looks instead of improving them. She thinks Anya’s look is the best one out there, but Kors thinks it’s too tailored. Heidi’s confused about Joshua’s shredded jacket, but Nina likes it. Nina really doesn’t like Becky’s look. Joshua, to his credit, admits that he gave her a lot of direction on it, and that they had a disagreement. Becky says that Joshua didn’t trust her to design, and that she was picked as a seamstress, not a designer. Kors and the other judge point out that at least their team had some synchronicity.

They head back to the green room. Anthony tells Bert he’s not the easiest person to work with. Bert blames it on a generational issue. They each blame the other for making snide comments.

We join the other teams on the runway, where Viktor explains the division of labor on their team. Viktor’s look is Heidi’s favorite, and everyone compliments the jacket. Oliver’s skirt gets more “farm” criticism. They like Joshua’s t-shirt with a holster. Nina says she really likes the collection, and that it has a road warrior look.

Bryce explains who made which mess on his team. Kors likes Bryce’s space dress, even though it hasn’t been more than “safe” any of the other times he’s made it. The others don’t look like they were designed and made by a single person (I think this is meant to indicate that they’re lacking cohesion, not just as a collection but as individual outfits). Kors thinks Danielle’s tank is terrible, and Heidi feels like it’s the same “green top” she keeps making. Nina doesn’t understand why the turquoise isn’t anywhere else in the collection. Heidi says Kimberly’s jacket is sellable and cute, but shouldn’t go with those shorts.

They send the designers away, and Heidi says it was crazy. Kors doesn’t mean any other group having so many problems, and that Anthony was obviously a poor leader, and he made the worst outfit. Erin thinks Joshua was smart to admit that he chose Anya for her vibe and Becky for her skill. Heidi thinks it’s very sellable. That’s her word for the day.

Viktor’s team was “slouchy with heart,” but the farm skirt was a weak link. They think Viktor was a great captain and made the best look. Bryce’s collection had the right attitude, and Kors loved his space dress. Nina thinks Danielle is a bit of a problem because she has ambitious plans but can’t deliver, and she never stops making crap tops out of green chiffon (ok, those are my words).

Erin thinks that Anthony’s look was messy, but Nina thinks he has promise as a designer. “We go week by week,” Heidi reminds them. “It’s not fair to let him go on when Danielle has done something that’s alright.” They fight again, and the show once more sticks Heidi Klum in the unlikely role of voice of reason.

Heidi calls the designers out and says that since this was her challenge, she’s been changing the rules a little bit. So she wants to do one more thing to mix it up. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Viktor he’s the winner of the challenge. Joshua is also the winner of the challenge. Viktor’s dress and jacket will be made for Heidi’s line, as will Joshua’s team’s maxi dress. Ok, but that’s Anya’s dress – the look Joshua had the least input in. Should he really get the win (and immunity) for someone else’s design just because he was team leader? They both have immunity next week and can’t be eliminated. Their whole teams are in. Everyone hugs back in the green room.

Out on the runway, Heidi tells Bert he’s in. Laura is in. Kimberly is in. Bryce is in.

So it’s down to Danielle and Anthony. Heidi says it wasn’t an easy decision and it wasn’t unanimous. Danielle bored them again with another poorly made chiffon blouse. Anthony completely fell apart on the challenge. Anthony… is in. But if it was up to Heidi alone, he’d be out. He cries and hugs Danielle, then goes back to the green room where all the cool kids hug him and Laura talks about how much they had to go through together. Ulch, cry me a river, jerks. I’m sure it was soooooooo hard for you to go through constantly shooting Bert down and not letting him participate while he shot you the occasional snide remark. It’s practically Auschwitz.

Danielle thanks the judges, and says that she’s disappointed to have to leave now. The second string kids hug her. Tim enters and says he admires and respects all of them for being truthful on the runway, and sends Danielle to clean up her space. She says she doesn’t have any regrets, but she doesn’t think her look was the worst and she doesn’t think she should’ve gone.

Next time: Working with children. How cute is that. It looks like Carmen Miranda and a Vampire. He’s worried more about being safe than he is about showing them. You actually glued your top to the model? That’s against the rules.

Top Chef Just Desserts: Fairy Tales Can Come True...

A house made of cake
And a bossy attitude
Lina’s going home

Good morning, my pineapple brioches. How are you today? Did you enjoy the premiere of season 2 of Top Chef: Just Desserts?

I have conflicted feelings about it myself. I liked both challenges a lot, but something seemed super off with the editing. After episode one, I don’t know half the cheftestants names – and I feel like Bravo doesn’t either. It seems like they introduced a few people: The Villain (Orlando); His Nemesis (Chris); The Sassy Black Lady (Melissa); and The Bottom Two (Craig and Lina) and then didn't bother with the rest of them.

It will make it easy to tell who’s going home week by week, though. Whoever we meet that we haven’t met before is clearly going to end up being cannon fodder.

I don’t 100% agree with the ouster, though. Craig was so lost and so clearly out of his depth. He was basically an anchor around his team’s neck instead of a third teammate. But then the judges didn’t see his floundering in the kitchen; they had every opportunity to see Lina’s bitchassedness at Judges’ Table. So I guess in their shoes, I probably would’ve made the same call.

On a shallow note, I LOVE these chic black chefs coats. So sassy. And now, the show.

Morning! Los Angeles! It’s time for the traditional arrival of the Top Chefs, which this time is being staged at at some sort of pier set up. Chris H orders a Coke from a soda jerk. He’s the youngest pastry chef champion… IN THE WORLD. Orlando competed against him in a competition last year, so he thinks the caliber of chefs will be higher than it was last season.

We continue meeting chefs – some of them, at least. It feels like we never really meet about half the chefs this time, doesn’t it? Nelson has a thick accent and Craig has a nebishy voice. Sally was his instructor at pastry school, and says she’s alpha female in the kitchen. Rebecca is planning world domination. That sounds like a notch above alpha female in the kitchen, if you ask me.

And before we can meet the remaining chefs, in walk Johnny and Gail. Gail welcomes them. Vanarin says he can’t believe how beautiful Gail is or how “Johnny’s eyes stare[d] deep into your soul.”

Time for their first quickfire! They’ll be working in pairs, which seems odd for the first quickfire. Usually it’s some kind of “show us who you are” thing so they can get to know the contestants, right? They pair up, somewhat reluctantly. Lina and Craig are the last, and are stuck together. Foreshadowing! The challenge is that they can use any of the ingredients in the soda fountain shack they’ve been clustered around to create a “modern soda fountain treat” that takes a classic soda fountain item to the next level. I could not use the words “soda fountain” more in that sentence if I tried. They have 30 minutes, and both members of the winning team get immunity.

Soda Fountain Flurry! Matthew (who works at CityZen, so he’s our local boy, and I’ll be rooting for him until he turns into an ass or a washout like local girl Heather did last season) and Katzie – who I will probably default to calling Serena Southerlyn at some point because she’s such an Elizabeth Rohm clone -- are making a combination of egg cream and Île Flotant. Carlos, who’s pared with Rebecca, says this is right up his alley. 20 minutes! Lina and Craig are floundering. Lina worries that Craig has no clue what’s going on right now, so she makes an “ode to Elvis.”

17 minutes. Vanarin and Melissa are making a chocolate malt microwave cake. Melissa is from Haiti. Megan and Orlando are doing something with bananas, but Megan is worried that this will be what everyone’s doing. Amanda and Nelson are doing something with pickled cherries because that was the last thing she did before leaving work to come here.

Time! Orlando thinks he could’ve done better by himself.

Gail and Johnny begin tasting with Chris and Sally’s Caramelized Bananas, Wafer Crunch, White Chocolate, and Butter Pecan Ice Cream. Vanarin and Melissa have made Micro Cake with Shattered Banana Carpaccio and White Sauce. Orlando and Megan’s treat is Feuilletine, Brûléed Bananas, Chocolate Ice Cream, and Chocolate Syrup. Carlos and Rebecca’s entry is a Breakfast Milkshake which involves white chocolate ice cream and Cap’n Crunch. Johnny and Gail adorably drink the same shake out of two straws.

Katzie and Matthew are up next with their Chocolate Egg Cream with Île Flottante, Citrus, and Lemon. Amanda and Nelson present their Chocolate Sponge Cake, Pickled Cherries, and Pistachios, which is a play on the flavors of a sundae. Craig and Lina explain their Almond Crispies, Raspberry Sauce, and Butter Pecan Ice Cream as an “Elvis tribute.” Um, no, ya dolts. An Elvis tribute involves peanut butter, ‘nanners, and Fluff. And preferably bacon. Where is the Fluff in this treat? Where is the ‘nanners? Where – WHERE GOD, WHERE??? – is the bacon?

Johnny names his least favorites. Orlando and Megan just made a banana split. Johnny says that Craig and Lina’s had nothing to do with Elvis. My love for Johnny Iuzzini reaches perhaps its all-time peak.

His favorites were Carlos and Rebecca’s cereal milkshake and Amanda and Nelson’s sundae cake. The winner is… Amanda and Nelson. They both get immunity in the first elimination challenge. Amanda says that the immunity is like a get out of jail pass and a chance to get to know the kitchen. Gail tells them to head over to the Just Desserts kitchen. Commercial.

Back. Gail welcomes the chefs and their sassy black coats to the kitchen and introduces the elimination challenge, which is designed to test their creativity and imagination. Everyone except Nelson and Amanda has to draw an old book, which contains one of four famous fairy tales – Goldilocks, Little Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk, or Hansel and Gretel. The story they get determines the team they’re on.

Nelson and Amanda get to choose their teams, since they won. Nelson says that they don’t have Fairy Tales in his country, Argentina (which… I kind of thought Fairy Tales were a borderless thing?), so he chooses Goldilocks. Amanda chooses Little Red Riding Hood.

Gail tells them that each team will be responsible for making a fantastic showpiece and two plated desserts inspired by their fairy tale. They’ll need to make 150 desserts for a costume gala. They’ll have 6 hours to prep in the just desserts kitchen, and 4 hours tomorrow.

It’s a pretty bold challenge for the first elimination – if you’ll recall, last season’s “Showpiece” challenge didn’t kick in until episode 4, when Malika finally quit and Seth finally went totes m’goats off the rails crazypants (and shirtless, so thanks for that one, Bravo).

30 minutes planning. The chefs are shocked at how dark the real ending of Red Riding Hood is – they have the legit “Wolf eats Red/ Woodsman slices him open to save her and Granny” version, not the “Woodsman arrives in the nick of time/Granny was hiding in the closet!” sanitized one. They discuss how to represent their fairy tales. Some of the discussions seem pretty fraught – Craig wants cotton candy clouds somehow, and Nelson still has no idea what a fairy tale is. Orlando is cringing at Rebecca’s idea to use rice pudding to represent Baby Bear’s porridge, which sounds like a solid idea to me. He says he identifies more with the villains of the stories: “screw the heroes, the villains have a lot more to say.” And then he does a faux-villainous laugh. Oh, honey. You’re trying too hard.

The Hansel and Gretel group, predictably, is talking about a gingerbread house. Lina wants to make a cake for their showpiece. The rest of the team hates this idea, but somehow lets her run with it.

After planning, the teams start working on their showpieces. Time counts down crazy quick – I think they jumped from 6 hours to 3 and then down to one and half. On the one hand, I appreciate them not putting us through a “supersized!” episode, but on the other … it makes the episode a bit boring. You don’t really see any of the technique, and it just adds to the problem I’ve already mentioned where we aren’t really getting to know more than two or three of the cheftestants (and only a slim narrative about those). Chris talks about how he and Orlando have competed against each other in the past. Chris is making a Little Red Riding Hood figure out of sugar.

Melissa is annoyed that Lina is trying to get in on the desserts as well as insisting on being the one to do the showpiece. Craig is trying to drill something, and has no drill experience. Rebecca is working with oats instead of rice for her rice pudding, based on Orlando’s recommendation. She worries that he’s trying to sabotage her. I think he’s just a douche, hon.

Four minute thirty seconds. Craig’s team has absolutely no faith in him and isn’t getting anything done on their plated desserts because they keep getting pulled over to help him with the showpiece. Time. Commercial.

Back. At the Just Desserts Loft, the chefs continue to strategize. Craig talks about how he hasn’t pulled sugar in awhile, and Katzie feels like they’re really behind on everything.

Next Day! Four hours to cook. Rebecca is stressed over the texture of her porridge, and worries it won’t get the texture she wants. Orlando is a douche about it. Craig worries that their team has nothing resembling any kind of showpiece. The sugar tube/beanstalk cracks as his teammates are trying to spin the sugar.

Thirty minutes! Lina complains about how Melissa has been negative the whole way through. Eleven minutes. Team Jack is still assembling their beanstalk. Melissa is so pissed with the way their showpiece looks that she wants to kick the table to make it fall “and if we’re all disqualified, fine.” WHOA there, Mrs. Attitude. Time.

The revelers for the Fairy Tale Costume Gala start entering. The judges follow close behind, with Gail in a red cape and Hubert in an 18^th century coat. They love the Goldilocks showpiece. The team’s desserts start with an Almond Bar (which Bravo has not seen fit to include in the photo/description gallery) with elements that bears would like. Hubert likes the crunchiness and thinks the honey ice cream is a nice compliment. Rebecca introduces the too hot/too cold/just right elements of her Baby Bear’s Porridge, Hot Ranier Cherries, Basil Syrup, and Cherry Sorbet. The sorbet, naturally, is too cold; the cherries, obvi, are too hot, and the porridge is juuuuuuusssst right.

Johnny and Whatsername approach the beanstalk showpiece, which Whatsername finds pretty from the front, but they see all the imperfections in the back. Johnny introduces Whatsername – fine, alright. He introduces Danielle to the team, and hears about their Bergamot Clouds, Whipped Lemon Ricotta, Sweet Pea Sorbet, and Spiced Golden Syrup and Brown Butter Hazelnut Cake, Lemongrass Stalk Infused Cream and Passion Fruit. Johnny finds the ginger in the first overpowering, and Danielle says the cake is one note.

Hubert and Gail are impressed by the sugarwork on Little Red Riding Hood’s showpiece. The team behind it introduces their Rose Scented Bomboloni, Coconut Tapioca, and Red Berry Gélee. Hubert finds the texture beautiful. They also have a Blackout Sponge Cake, Cocoa Nib Nougatine, Poached Cherries, and Micro Basil. Gail says the basil adds an enormous amount of flavor.

Finally we have Johnny and Danielle approaching team Hansel and Gretel’s area. Danielle “was wanting to love” their showpiece, but she’s disappointed they didn’t make a gingerbread house. Their desserts begin with a Butterscotch Brioche, Goat Cheese Mousse, and Smoked Pineapple, which is meant to represent the flavors of the forest. Johnny asks what kind of forest has pineapple growing in it. Hee. I love him this year. Their second item is a Chocolate Cloud, Milk Sherbet, and Hibiscus Apple Seltzer. Johnny says the second has too many soft textures without something to break it up.

The judges meet back up and agree that they were “blown away.” They head back to judges’ table. Commercial.

Back. Oh, it’s the fakeback. Melissa is embarrassed by the work their group did, and can’t believe Lina is happy with it. Melissa says if their group is in the bottom, she’s going to fight. This may be the angriest fakeback in the history of fakebacks.

Back. Pudding room. The groups discuss who did what in which group. Craig feels like he had a really rocky start. Gail enters and calls back Team Goldilocks and Team Little Red Riding Hood.

They are, of course, the top two teams. Gail congratulates them. Hubert Keller says that even walking in was like “starting at 11.” Johnny tells Little Red Riding Hood that the desserts raised the bar from last season, and the showpiece blew him away.

Everyone loved Goldilocks’ showpiece, which was Nelson and Orlando’s work. But team Little Red Riding Hood wins. Orlando is displeased. Gail tells them to send back the other two teams.

The losers enter the judges’ table room. Gail tells them they made their least favorite desserts and showpieces.

Gail wonders why team Hansel and Gretel didn’t take the opportunity to make the house made of candy. Lina says she wanted it to be a witches’ house. Melissa talks about how she wanted a gingerbread house. There’s a lot of fighting about how Lina wanted to make a cake. Lina says “I’m not going to say that that’s true.” What the hell ever does that mean? Is that some kind of stupid hedge because you know they have tape of you saying you want to make it out of cake, but you don’t want to admit that in front of the judges? And yet you know that if you lie about it they’ll do that Bravo thing where they show you saying you NEVER wanted to make it in cake and then cut to the sepia tint flashback of you insisting on making it in cake?

This one sentence is enough for me to be delighted that her ass is grass.

Melissa explains her intention with the chocolate cloud. Keller says it was too texturally similar throughout. He thinks Lina’s seltzer didn’t do anything for the dessert. Vanarin’s pineapple brioche didn’t flow together and didn’t seem related to Hansel and Gretel.

Craig steps up and admits that he took on the showpiece not having done some of the tactics on his own before. Johhny thinks his teammates did a good job recovering from his early misstep.

Gail found the ginger in the pea and ginger dessert overpowering, and similarly the hazelnut was overpowering in the other dessert.

The teams are sent away. Danielle says that though Jack’s team only had one side, that side was lovely. Johnny thinks Craig lacks experience and maturity.

Gail was unimpressed with a few of the things Lina did, and Melissa’s dessert was “no exciting at all” to Hubert. Johnny gives her credit for at least knowing they should’ve been going in another direction. Johnny doesn’t know how Vanarin managed to spend 10 hours on brioche and let his team go totally awry. Commercial.

Back. The judges stare down the bottom two teams. Johnny says that things went wrong for both teams. Hansel and Gretel’s desserts didn’t connect to their story, and their showpiece didn’t show much technical skill. Jack and the Beanstalk had problems with flavors, and clearly ran out of time with their showpiece.

Gail tells… Lina to pack her tools and go. She’s a little bit embarrassed to have been eliminated this early, and feels like Melissa threw her under the bus “big time,” and she’s pissed off about it.

This season: Whoa! I have to say, this place is really amazing. On Top Chef, OH MY FUCKING GOD ORIGINAL VERUCA SALT. AND AD ROCK. And the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. “It’s like a food orgasm.” “I’m a hooker. A sugar hooker.” “They always start out so nice to each other.” “I know. Give ‘em a Week.” “Borderline offensive and just tasted bad.”

My Immediate Reaction To This...

... was "OH MY GOD WHY IS JOHNNY IUZZINI SO ANGRY?"

Inside voices, Johnny. Inside voices.

(yes, despite crapping out on both Masters 3 and Rocco's Dinner Party, and being in the midst of Project Runway, I will return with Johnny, Gail, that girl from that one blog, and the infrequently used Hubert Keller for Top Chef: Just Desserts. I find it refreshing)

Project Runway: Whatever Nina Wants, Nina Gets

Poor Julie Coat Dress
Neither coat nor dress, says Kors
Won’t work for Nina.

You know… there are times when I think the judges have made the wrong decision based on design, and times when I think they’ve made the wrong decision based on designer. And then there’s this week, when I think they’ve made it on both counts.

Julie’s coatdress – a mess, yes, but a mess with a good idea behind it. And yet it’s gone, and Cecilia’s mud coloured cocktail dress and the most recent in Danielle’s collection of ‘80s church secretary disasters stay?

Julie – an amusing person, and a designer who’s displayed both skill and ideas in various challenges, though perhaps not the two together. And she’s gone while sad sack “I give up” Cecilia stays?

It blows. And don’t start me on the top group. I don’t know how Kimberly’s disco themed “Good Ship Lollipop” costume won. I also don’t know how Joshua’s dress, which I covet the CRAP out of (damn, who knew that tanned manqué with the overplucked eyebrows would slowly creep his way into tastefulness and become one of my favorite designers?) didn’t make the top 3 along with Viktor and Anya.

The challenge itself, I loved. I really think that as basic as Nina’s tastes may seem to be, she’s probably a much more difficult client to design for than Heidi. You can’t just throw together some micro-mini sateen skirted whore gear and expect Nina to love it.

At the same time, despite the directness and the “No. No. Nos,” I think Nina is probably a much BETTER client than Heidi. Think for a moment about what a C-Nugget Heidi’s been in some of the “make me a short dress, design slaves!” challenges. She’s outright mocked designers in the past. Nina was direct and she offered direction; Heidi routinely takes this challenge as a chance to be cruel.

Let’s look at how all of this nonsense happened though, shall we?

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments! The ladies reflect on Fallene leaving, and Julie says Fallene gave her a fabulous haircut. It’s true -- it is a good haircut. Maybe Fallene should stick with that. Cecilia is feeling more confident.

In the boys’ apartment (Bryce, Joshua), someone has written “Bring the bald guy back!” on their board. Yes, PLEASE, America. Bring the Bald guy back. I have so many Bald, Spanking Mormon stories in my head and no possible reason to use them. Bryce feels like the judges eyes are on him. In guys’ apartment 2 (Bert, Viktor, Oliverrsfdfdfdf and Anthony), they speculate about the next challenge. Anthony thinks it’ll be “something horrible.” Viktor doesn’t want to be in the bottom again (thatswhathesaid).

Runway. Heidi emerges in a gold dress that look’s like’s Klimt’s The Kiss, and tells them they’ll be designing for a “veeeerrry important client, who knows a lot about fashion.” It’s Nina, of course. Nina vows to be tough on this because this is the first time the designers have worked for her rather than Heidi. Ooh, someone’s got her well-tailored jealous pants on, huh?

The look has to be something that she can wear to work in the day and to an industry event in the evenings. This reminds me of “Day to Night Barbie,” who I always coveted. Nina gives them a list of her likes (classic with an edge, tailored) and dislikes (everything else). The winner’s look will be featured in a Marie Claire ad on top of NYC cabs. Nina sends them up to sketch; she’ll consult with them individually before they go shopping.

Tim greets them in the workroom and gives them 30 minutes to sketch and two computers full of Nina pictures to use as references. Kimberly says this is the toughest challenge to date because they have to impress Nina as a judge AND as a client. Bryce starts drawing flowy cowl covered clothes, despite Nina saying that “voluminous” was one of her dislikes. Anya is worried about toning down her palate. Julie is doing a very clean coat dress. She feels like she’s running out of chances with the judges.

Nina arrives for her one-on-one consultations. She thinks Anya’s jumpsuit idea will be a challenge “sewingwise.” Viktor kisses her ass a bit and she likes his design. She tells Bryce she hates cowls. She asks for a plan B from Joshua after he reveals his grey dress idea. She seems to give really helpful advice to Danielle about adjusting her look so it’s more suited to her style and the parameters of the challenge.

She’s “very happy” with the silhouette Julie offers. She tells Kimberly how much she loves her pants right after Kimberly has interviewed that she wants to get away from pants in this challenge. She’s concerned about Cecilia’s jacket because it’s “a lot” and dated – “a little Dynasty.” Commercial.

Back. Nina continues to be concerned about Cecilia’s jacket, and suggests she just focus on the dress.

Back in the workroom, Tim tells them that Nina doesn’t want “boring’ or “a runway covered in grey garments.” They head off to Mood with a budget of $200.

Mood! Danielle is looking for olive green, but ends up with a Kelly green. Ok, how do you 1)not find ANY suitable olive green in all of Mood, and 2) decide Kelly green is the right substitute? Anya grabs a mustard printed silk and wonders if it’s a risk worth taking. 10 minutes! Becky finds a splashy print, which Anthony also has. Anthony thinks she copied him. Douche. Cecilia wanders around like a lost soul. She can’t think “when I have thoughts clogged in my mind.” Time! Thank you Mood!

Back to the workroom, where they all start putting out their materials. Julie tells us about how she went to fashion school because she was sick of bartending and waiting tables, but thought she’d made a mistake because everyone was young and talented. But she turned out to be good at it. Cecilia tells us Julie is a wonderful companion.

Ok, it’s official -- we know too much about Julie. If the promos from last week hadn’t given it away already, we now officially know she’s doomed. Also, does anyone else think she looks a bit like Amy Poehler?

Anthony gripes to Joshua about how he thinks Becky copied his fabric choices. Becky tells her side of the story to Cecilia and Bert. I don’t like there being such a defined cool kids table already. Cecilia realizes one of the fabrics she got was not the shade she thought.

Tim and Nina enter the workroom. “Hello everyone,” Nina says. Nina is contractually prohibited from ever greeting anyone with words other than “Hello everyone.” Tim and Nina thru! They start with Danielle. Nina thinks her look is too “soft,” and Tim compares it to “the reflection of [her sketch] in water.” Nina quickly nixes three ideas. She’s worried that the collar on Julie’s is too big and needs to be dainty. Julie adds more orange to the design. Tim tells her that he always leaves her feeling confident and then sees it on the runway and thinks “oh my god!”

Nina sees Anya’s fabric and asks if there’s a plan B. Anya stammers. Commercial.

Back. Anya has no plan B. Nina and Tim tell her to own it and wish her good luck. Joshua, Tim, and Nina have a conversation about Nina’s bra. Anthony shows Nina his print. Becky shows Nina the same print, and says she doesn’t know who saw it first. She feels like Ollllfydfrs is a little safe, and cautions Bryce not to make it too micro mini. She tells Bert not to make it too plunging and worries that Laura has too much green. She advices Viktor to add some volume, and says that Cecilia’s textiles are looking sad. She thinks Kimberly has too much blue.

Finished, Nina tells the designers that there’s an additional reward – the winning look will be photographed for an editorial in Marie Claire magazine.

The designers return to work. Kimberly is a little frustrated, and talks about what she’s sacrificed to be on Project Runway, including her mom and her brother (I kid – her mother passed of breast cancer when she was 17 and her brother passed recently, but the transition between “I’ve sacrificed so much” and “everyone in my family is dead” was awkward). Anya dyes her fabric. DYES it. Anthony has a video chat with his fiancée, Matthew, who is SUPER cute and has a matching accent to Anthony. I love him. Give Matthew a show, please, Lifetime.

(also, and this is totally irrational, but: I’d just assumed Anthony was straight because he had testicular cancer, and everyone I know who’s had testicular cancer has been straight. How dumb am I? I mean, it’s not like I thought that exposure to the vadge caused testicular cancer, but it’s just linked with heterosexuals in my mind. Does this mean I have a weirdly specific form of homophobia?)

Model fittings! Anya’s model likes the fabric in its original form. Anthony asks his model if she has a padded bra to make her boobs bigger. “This is padded,” she tells him. Bert thinks Danielle is fixated with chiffon. Cecilia hates her materials.

One hour to the end of the day. Julie talks about how much she loves her model and how she’s the best thing she has going. Julie is feeling the disadvantage of not usually sewing every day. Time! Commercial.

Back. Day of Runway show. The boys speculate on who they think is in trouble. Viktor thinks Kimberly’s is too loud. He’s wearing another Warbler costume. Anya is stressed and worries about her time management. Julie refuses to discuss her coat with Cecilia. “that’s between me and my coat.” Cecilia wonders how to “feex my modelz neeples,” which are apparently huge. ACK. Cecilia has just discussed nipples, one of my biggest fears, on Project Runway. It’s like my safe place has been invaded.

Back to the workroom with two hours to the show. Anya can’t remember what she was doing. Laura has pinned her fabric to her finger. Tim enters… an empty workroom. EVERYONE is in the Brother sewing area. He has NEVER had to deliver his blah blah product placement spiel in the sewing room. He’s alarmed by how much work they have to do. “I am sweating through my suit!”

Model fitting. Bryce’s garment is loose on his model, but looked better before he started taking it in. Becky thinks Anya’s lack of skills and experience will start to show at some point. Viktor thinks his look looks “so expensive…like it was bought at Barneys or something.” Cecilia feels pressured and can’t think clearly. It’s probably the nipples. She is “assepting” her place in the bottom.

Hair and make up flurry! “Make her look like Nina” is the constant refrain.

Cecilia helps Julie put together her coat dress since she’s given up on her own design. Julie thinks Cecilia helping her is awesome. Tim enters and tells them they have ten minutes, then catches Julie gluing her dress. Laura has her garment draped, so she chips in to help Anya. Viktor thinks that “it’s not good that another designer is helping you because it’s not really you.” He thinks it’s “almost like cheating.”

Tim returns and hustles up the designers and models. Bryce’s girl is literally in her bra and panties when he calls them. Eventually, he gets them all out of the room. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi “HALLO’s” them and does her math to announce that there are 13 of them now, but after tonight, there will be…… twelve. The judges are Michael “the newlywed” Kors, Nina “the client” Garcia, Joanna “the editor” Coles, and Kerry “George” Washington.

And here I had to pause the TV for three or four minutes, because my cat decided I’d look really good with a pierced nose. Seriously. Claw, straight through the right nostril. So much blood.

Anyway, bleeding stanched, let’s start the show! We open with Joshua’s look, a super cute grey and orange dress. I WANT that dress (but a skoosh longer – my legs aren’t as good as Nina’s). Bert has made a basic black dress with a plunging front and a slit leg. It’s too much cut-out from not enough dress. Ollllfffr has made a Romulan costume from Star Trek The Next Generation, but in plain grey instead of the flattering greyish purple.

Anthony has used the print he and Becky both have as a top with a plain black skirt. Becky has used it to make a dress that kind of wraps in segments (see below -- Anthony's is left; Becky's is right).

Kimberly has made blue pants and a gold Saturday Night Fever top. Meh. Cecilia has made a brown one-shouldered dress with grey accents. It’s a snooze. Anya’s jumpsuit (right) is brownish, and … kind of awesome as jumpsuits go, but it doesn’t say Nina to me. Danielle has made a catastrophic mess: black pants and an insane green blouse.

Julie’s coat dress is a bit uneven but a great idea. I just worry that an idea won’t be enough to get her through. Bryce has made a female medical officer’s uniform from classic Star Trek (ie, blue mini dress) Laura has made …an emerald satin dress that I’m pretty sure I saw jazz choirs wear back in 1994. Viktor has made a very chic black dress.

Heidi calls Danielle, Kimberly, Anya, Viktor, Julie, and Cecilia. Everyone else is safe. The safe designers go back to the green room. Becky thinks Kimberly is in the bottom, but Laura thinks she’s in the top. Bert thinks Oliverrrrrrsdfsf is going to win it. Someone points out that Oliverrrwsdfsdfsf is right next to him. Hah. Commercial.

Back. They begin with Viktor. Heidi says you can never go wrong with a beautiful black dress. Nina likes the versatility and the option of separates. Kors likes the shoulder, but hopes it’s “what’s next.” Kerry Washington says there’s something “really different” about the piece. She is wearing an incomprehensible pink blouse. Joanna Coles thinks it’s beautiful.

Nina didn’t think Julie would reduce the collar as much as she had. It’s not her favorite. Kerry Washington didn’t understand it. Kors says it’s a housecoat and sad. Heidi says it doesn’t look clean. Julie likes it, though. Joanna Coles finds it unwearable.

Cecilia thinks she chose the wrong fabrics. Joanna Coles thinks the fashion department would wonder what on earth she was wearing if she came to work like that. Kors says the fabrics are a disaster. Kerry doesn’t know about the look for daytime, and Nina agrees it wouldn’t survive 12 hours of her life.

Nina loves Kimberly’s boring ass pants and disco top. So does Heidi, and thinks it’s a great outfit without accessories. Kors LOVES that it’s separates. Joanna calls it a “special shirt”. I have to wonder if she means good special or short bus/ Todd from One Life to Live’s secret identical twin Special Needs Victor special. Apparently it’s good, because she says she’ll wear it if Nina doesn’t.

Anya explains how she died the fabric. Nina is amazed at the transformation. Heidi loves the jumpsuit, and is once again shocked by Anya’s insta sewing skills. Joanna Coles likes the shape of it, and Kerry Washington finds it fun. Kors says it’s beautifully tailored.

Danielle mousily explains her outfit. Kors tells her it’s pedestrian and looks like a blouse one of his aunts would’ve worn in the ‘80’s. Kerry Washington doesn’t hate it – but look what she’s wearing; she clearly has an affinity for shit ugly semi-sheer blouses – but acknowledges it’s not for Nina. Joanna Coles says the outfit makes her think the model and the designer are depressed. YOUCH.

I like this person. Let’s have her on more often.

Heidi sends the designers off. They join their compatriots in the green room. Viktor is pissed that Anya didn’t tell the judges that Laura helped her. Julie says she lives in a “bad neighborhood” on the runway.

Back out front, Nina says Danielle didn’t listen to her, and Joanna found it ordinary – something to be worn “making pureed acorn squash” not leading the fashion department of a magazine. Kors says the blouse is suited for a Joan Crawford St. Patty’s day party. Joanna wouldn’t let Nina IN the office in Cecilia’s dress. Kors felt like she didn’t even try. Heidi thinks she doesn’t want to be here. Kors thinks Julie had an idea but the wrong fabrics. Nina doesn’t see how it’s day-to-evening. Kerry found it “ambiguous even in what it was,” and Joanna thinks it’s a new thing “like a droat.” Heidi points out that Julie’s always in the bottom.

Nina says Viktor’s dress was sharp and clean. Kors think the details save it from being mundane or boring. He thinks that the jumpsuit is cut fabulously. Kerry thinks it’s more inspired than some of the other safe entries. Joanna thinks Kimberly’s top is “exactly what Project Runway is about.” Disco fever? Is Project Runway suddenly about disco fever? Nina loves that it’s powerful but a little bare. They’ve reached a decision. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Viktor, Kimberly, and Anya that they impressed them. Nina announces that Kimberly is the winner. Jesus God, why? Ulch. She has immunity for next week. She says the win is major for her. The other designers seem really happy for her, though. Viktor and Anya are both in, of course.

Danielle is also in. Ulch. I don’t like her at all.

So it’s down to Julie or Cecilia. Julie’s garment was confusing, and didn’t work. Cecilia gave up, and they question her attitude.

Cecilia is….in. Boooooo. All the other designers are shocked to see her and then throw in a few half hearted “yays!” as she sits down. She admits that she feels bad because Julie wants to be there and she wouldn’t have minded going home. Laura asks if she said that onstage, and Cecilia says it wouldn’t have made sense to do so.

Julie is out. Tim sends her to the workroom without much ceremony. She doesn’t know what’s next for her or where she’ll go after this, but she’s ok with this.

And then we see Kimberly meeting with Nina in her garment. Nina pretends she’s received many compliments in the outfit. Kimberly also gets to ride in a cab with her ad on it.

Next time! A track! Another team challenge! The top 4 runners will be team captains. Olfffrer wipes out. “If you’re tired, take a nap.” “Drop Dead.” “He’s gonna be out.” “You ended up with a mess.” “I’m sorry, it’s a rag.”

You Say Tomato, I Say Sangwich

Good morning, cockatiels! Do you know what week it is?

It's the best week of the year: TOMATO WEEK!!!!

No, I have no idea if Tomato Week is a real thing, or if it's something the Washington Post is making up out of its own ass. But you know what? They're using it as an excuse to talk about Hanover tomatoes, so it works for me either way.

I first had a Hanover tomato last summer, and something immediately clicked. I've always loved tomatoes -- I have been known to eat them as a hand fruit -- and I think this is because I was introduced to good ones early. My great-grandfather grew the best tomatoes in the history of the world, ever, and though I only had them a few times when I was quite young, they left an indelible impression.

You think I'm joking about his tomatoes, right? Wrong. They were the best ever. I don't know if it was the soil in Southeast Missouri or something he fed them with or his green thumb, but they were incredible. People in my family have been known to eat a mind-blowingly good tomato, and nod, and say "it's good. It's not one of Papaw's tomatoes, but it's good."

Hanover tomatoes -- the big fat red ones (Hanover being applied to any type of tomato from Hanover county, not a distinct breed of tomatoes) -- are not Papaw's tomatoes. But they are damn, damn good.

And I can't think it's a coincidence that when my father's ancestors first got to this country, they settled in what would later become Hanover County. They left after about a century, and then moved and kept moving every generation or three until they ended up in Southeast Missouri around the turn of the last century.

And there they stopped (for awhile). And I've decided that their whole trek across the country was not about younger sons looking for opportunity, as I've always thought. Clearly, we are a clan who -- for almost three hundred years -- moved Westward, ever Westward, in search of tomatoes as good as the ones we'd had in Hanover county.

(Please do not give me some sort of history lesson about how my initial ancestors thought tomatoes were from Satan or something. No sangwiches for pedants)

So to celebrate TOMATO WEEK, I thought I'd share with you my favorite tomato recipe -- for Hanover Tomato Sangwiches.

Yes, I know it's a skosh hypocritical of me to put Gwyneth on blast for including a BLT recipe in her cookbook, and then two weeks later turn around and give you a recipe for a sangwich with two fewer ingredients. But a) this is not a cookbook. It is the interwebs. It is free. You are not paying for it; and 2) I am not Gwyneth Paltrow. I do not suggest you follow my exercise regime (such as it is), health and beauty tips (such as they are), or shopping advice (unless you have a fondness for vintage and/or things that "fell off the truck" and found their way onto e-bay).

I do, however, insist that you follow my advice about this sandwich. Really, I ask so little. (Also, I planned this post and took the photographs for it a year ago, and am just now getting around to posting it. Hypocritical or not, I had to burn it off this week or hold onto it for another year).

So you will need one Hanover tomato, of the fat red variety. Cut this into thick slices and toast some bread.

The traditionalists will tell you you need spongey white bread. I prefer either a multigrain bread or a thick, crusty "country white" or wheat loaf. Something with a little bite to it; something that has the balls to become part of this sangwich.

You will also need mayonnaise. I believe I've mentioned this before, but if you're not using Duke's mayonnaise, you might as well just bury yourself now, because you're not really alive.

You put the mayonnaise on both sides of the bread. You salt and pepper the mayonnaise.

You put the tomato slices on one side of the bread. You salt and pepper the first layer of slices. If you're adding additional layers of slices, you salt and pepper those as well. It is very important to salt and pepper at every stage of layering.

I generally prefer two layers of tomatoes per sangwich.

You put the other slice of bread on top (obvi -- what, did you think you were meant to use it as a sun hat for your cat?).

And then you nom it, preferably with Cheerwine (preferably from the bottle, as the bottles have cane sugar instead of HFC, but I know it's hard enough to get Cheerwine in any form).

It seems simple, I know. It is simple, actually. And that's the thing about TOMATO WEEK and tomatoes generally. They don't need a lot of jazz or nonsense. They are pretty much perfect the way they are.

Project Runway: Long Tall Sally is Built For Speed/ Has Everything That Michael Kors Needs

To go against grain
Can be a good thing in life
But not in fabric

Moppets, let me tell you how much I love you and am excited about Project Runway being back. I am currently en vacanze. True, it is not a glamorous vacanze, like my vacanze to Naples in the spring. No, it is a vacanze to my parents’ house. There is a lot of napping and dog walking. But still, a vacanze it is, and yet here I am, recapping the Project Runway for you, and getting up really early in the morning to find the images for the recap.

And also because their dogs are demon creatures who wake you up really early in the morning anyway, even if you don’t have the reality show recaps to write.

But regardless. I am here and awake…and wondering what, really, one can say about the festival of ugly they put out for us last night. Ugly clothes! Ugly attitudes! And at the end of it all, poor little Fallene, our gutsy little Gwen Verdon impersonator, is sent packing for crying a lot and failing to make anything other than a hat.

Let’s break it down, since I kind of just set up three categories.

1) Ugly clothes. I literally hated everything. Actually, no—I take that back. The one thing I didn’t hate was Joshua and Julie’s outfit, which according to the judges was a travesty of poor taste. Whatever, man, it was the one thing that didn’t involve a flowy skirt over flowy pants. And what is Kors SMOKING thinking that a flowy skirt over flowy pants and a top that involves ILLUSION NETTING in unmatched reds is something that’s going to work on a real person as well as on a stilt model? Jesus.

2) Ugly attitudes. Are we supposed to hate Bert, or Viktor? Because my initial impulse was that Bert was a nice old curmudgeon while Viktor was a creepy creepster with eyebags that won’t quit and one of Darren Criss’ leftover Glee costumes trimmed down to short pants. But my final feeling is that they’re both douchebags. Also kind of douchebags: Joshua, Cecilia, Kimberly, and sometimes Bryce.

3) Poor little Fallene, our gutsy little Gwen Verdon impersonator, is sent packing for crying a lot and failing to make anything other than a hat. And so she should be. By only making a hat, she has failed as a designer. By crying a lot, she has failed as a gutsy little Gwen Verdon impersonator. Gwen Verdon does tough vulnerability, yes. But though she may duck her head and get a catch in her throat, she never actually breaks down in tears. You fail on all counts, Fallene. Every single one of them.

But at the same time, I feel bad for her because she did get a bit walked all over by Bryce, and his absolute horror at her being self-taught. It is inconceivable to me that she didn’t know about not cutting against the grain, yes, but he didn’t have to go and whisper it to all the other kids in the lunchroom, like she’s the last one not to know about Santa or sex or something.

Let’s look at this nightmare in exhausting detail, shall we?

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments! Joshua puts product in his hair and talks about not being ready for Josh to go, and how Fallene is a hairstylist not a designer. Meanwhile, in her apartment Fallene is yawning and waking up. Anthony feels good about having been in the top 3 for the first two challenges.

Runway! Heidi emerges on stilts and carrying the giant velvet bag of doom. I miss the days when it was just a giant bag of models’ names, and not a bag that always contained some sort of shocking twist. Anyway, for their next challenge, they have to think “big. REALLY big.” And then a bunch of models on stilts enter. These are their models for the next challenge, where they’ll have to create an eye catching imaginative and “larger than life” group for the stilt walkers. They’ll be in teams of two, chosen by Heidi from the velvet bag of Doom.

The first pair she pulls out is Bert and Viktor. Viktor doesn’t like this, because he thinks Bert is a difficult person. Bert thinks Viktor’s reaction to the pairing is childish and unprofessional.

Next up are Anthony and Laura, then Joshua and Julie. This makes Joshua nervous. Danielle is with Cecilia. Sex tape beauty queen Anya is with pretentious in every way Olyvyererree (look, if he can’t be assed to spell his name in a way that can be reconciled with the way he pronounces it, then why should I be?). She says she lucked out. Kimberly is with Becky. And Bryce is with Fallene. Fallene wants to shit her pants because they were both on the bottom last time.

Heidi adds that for the first time ever, the show will take place outside in front of a live audience and the press. She wishes them good luck, and she and the stilt walkers exit.

Workroom! The teams start consulting on what they want to do. Tim enters and talks about how thrilling the challenge is. He talks about how Paris couture week causes them to question what’s real and what isn’t. They’ll have 30 minutes to consult with their stilt walker models before going to Mood with $500. And they have ONE DAY for the challenge.

The stilt models duck into the workroom, nearly touching the ceiling, and then sit on tables or do deep crouches while they talk to the designers. They give them the low down on what’s important for stilt fashion – not passing where their feet join the stilts and so on. Fallene and Bryce want to do a big full skirt for their model, who is a tattooed ballerina. Viktor is now talking about Queen Victoria, but sexy. Bert points out that Queen Victoria was in mourning for 50 years, and that what Viktor is talking about is Elizabethan, not Victorian. Viktor thins this makes Bert a know it all. No, Viktor, it just makes him aware that no two queens are the same – you should be able to learn that just by looking around the workroom without having to develop even the most rudimentary working knowledge of history.

Mood! They have 30 minutes. Fabric flurry! Joshua and Julie fully hate each other. Anthony and Laura are buying a lot of red. Olyyyyyeveryrrr and Anya are a “dream team” according to Tim (and a nightmare team according to the American Dialectology Society). Joshua tells Julie that “anything in life can be pleated.” What about kittens, Joshua? What about kittens? Can you pleat them? No? Well, shut up, then.

Fallene refuses to create a “fucking gothic stilt walker.” Two minutes! Time! Thank you, Mood! And Swatch walks past for his first cameo of the season. He sniffs derisively and looks at the camera as though to say “this? This is what you’ve sent me this year, Klum? Seriously, this whole enterprise stinks more and more of desperation with every passing year. One wonders what depths you’ll sink to before this is finally over.” And then he waddles off camera to lick his junk. Yay, Swatch.

Workroom. Bert and Viktor continue hating each other. Tim tells the designers they have until 9 tonight. Viktor hates the fabric they’re working with. Joshua and Julie are making a “romantic matador stiltwalker.” Bert and Viktor hate each other again, some more. Bert thinks the direction they’re going is all wrong. Viktor says Bert acts “like a small kid” and doesn’t let him talk. Yes, because mature people walk out of the room passive aggressively referring to the person they’re fighting with as “a 57 year old kid.” Commercial.

Back. Joshua demands that Viktor tell him about his huge fight with Bert. Viktor thinks Bert is defensive. Viktor tries to make it Bert’s design, even though he’s the one who came up with this Queen Whoever vision in the first place. Viktor thinks Bert is trying to sabotage him. I think Viktor should eat a bag of dicks.

Laura and Anthony are making a big ass hoopskirt to give volume on the bottom without it getting caught in the stilts. Olyeyveryveyrrr talks about how group challenges are about collaboration. Julie pokes Joshua to make her point. Joshua thinks they could swap genders. Danielle and Cecilia are working with chiffon. Becky and Kimberly are basically just not speaking to each other. Bryce and Fallene are making the world’s largest tutu. Bryce says that their dress needs to be “a thin line between costume and fashion.” Dude, it’s for a stilt walker. You’re going to end up on the costume side of that thin line whether you mean to or not. And then he nixes the waistband she wants to put on.

Julie tells Danielle that she and Joshua are working well together. Joshua tells everyone else that he’s basically working alone. Anthony and Laura have to ditch their hoop skirt. Becky works to keep Kimberly from putting gold lame on their outfit. Bryce gives us a lesson on why it’s important to match the grain of a fabric as Fallene frets about being able to do that. Bryce clutches his pearls and tells everyone in the green room that Fallene doesn’t know about the grain.

Tim thru! He thinks Joshua and Julie’s pants are smashing. So do I, though Anthony says they remind him of Beetlejuice. He cautions Danielle and Cecilia about proportion. Viktor and Bert hate each other in the presence of Tim, and argue about whose horrible idea their “ghastly” dress is. Bert rats Viktor out for fleeing instead of working through things. Commercial.

Back. Tim is concerned team Bertkor is not working together, and that neither of them has said “we” once during the conversation.

Tim “wows” all the red at Laura and Anthony’s station, and says their shoulder pads are very on trend for fall. Hate. Please tell me that shoulder pads aren’t actually on trend for fall? I’ve already lived through the ‘80s once. I can’t do it again. Becky and Kimberly explain how their jacket is designed to show off the model’s tattoo and how they’ve divided the work to what they’re best suited to. Bryce worries that the skirt is getting too big. He wants Fallene to get the bodice done so they can work on the pants.

At the team of unintelligible accents, Anya and Olyeiveivvier throw Tim off with their dress. Tim leaves.

Viktor calls Bert “Bertzilla,” which actually seems to go over better than all of his previous shitassed passive aggressiveness. Becky thinks Bryce and Fallene are in trouble because all they have is the tutu. Joshua tries to show Julie how to quickly and effectively ruche the bodice.

Two and a half hours left. Cecilia and Danielle bicker. A lot. Ceclia is concerned.

Stilt models enter! Olyevevever and Anya’s outfit looks AWFUL – there’s some sort of agonizing granny print involved. Fallene and Bryce’s bodice is off grain. Fallene gets to recutting it. Bryce worries about how it will go. Danielle and Cecilia stop screaming at each other and hug because their outfit actually looks ok. Bryce has a feeling they’re going to be in the bottom. Fallene sobs and apologizes for letting him down. The clock hits 9, and they leave the workroom.

Next day! 4:30 a.m. Everyone gets ready for the outdoor runway show. Viktor and Bert come to some sort of reconciliation about their look, both claiming that they’re happy with it.

Workroom! Viktor and Bert are chilling out since they’re finished on time. Fallene and Bryce are trying to improvise something to substitute for the bodice. Bryce takes over all together. Bert feels like Bryce has pushed Fallene around a lot. I cannot get over the ugliness of Olyeyvvver and Anya’s print.

Enter Tim! They’ll be leaving the workroom in an hour and a half for the outdoor runway. Joshua is speechless to be part of the first public outdoor runway in Project Runway history. Commercial.

Back. Seventy five minutes until they leave for the runway. Bryce is stressed out and Fallene feels bad. Anya is frustrated with Olyyyyverrr. Bert gives Joshua bling for his jacket. Laura and Anthony are racing around trying to finish. Fallene is creating a headpiece.

Models! They have an hour for blah blah hair makeup blah blah Piperlime blah blah product placement. The models are off their stilts. Julie asks Joshua if he wants to be in charge of the makeup. “I think you’ll be better at it,” she says. “I’ll wager that!” he laughs. Oh, have they forgotten his clown whore styling from last week already?

Hair and makeup flurry! And then the designers and Tim all head out to the runway. Fallene is terrified and regrets having let Bryce take over instead of making it work herself.

They arrive at Battery Park, where the judges are all doing press. Anya finds it exhilarating. Fallene is panicked and cries to Tim. She feels like she’s not even a designer right now. Commercial.

Back. Heidi walks out onto the outdoor runway. She needs to get her roots touched up. Anyway, she yaps about how doing an outdoor public show has been a dream of hers, and introduces Kors, Nina, and Kim Kardashian “Fashion Entrepreneur.” Cough. Sorry. Something in my throat.

Let’s start the show! We open with Josh and Julie’s Circus Matador outfit, which is awesome psychotic pants with a red shiny top and a red cape jacket thing. I kind of love it. Apparently this means I have no taste whatsoever.

Bert and Vitktor’s model is dressed as Queen Bertkoria, which involves a brocade top with a weird iridescent skirt and pants. Gross. Fallene and Bryce have made a Giant tutu thing over pants with a black tank top and a belt in the material the bodice was meant to be in.

Kimberly and Becky’s model is dressed in green pants with a one sleeved striped jacket. Their model has the worst walk, which Becky puts off to her wearing borrowed stilts. Who knew not working with your own stilts could throw a girl off so much?

Anya and Ollllliiivvverrr have made a grey vest of the sort Anya always makes over a flowing skirt in that tragic print that looks better from a distance than it did on the form. Cecilia and Danielle’s outfit is brown pants and turquoise top paired with tragically bad ‘60s secretary hair. She looks like a minor character on Mad Men … on stilts. Stilt Secretary. She’ll end up having an affair with Pete Campbell, who has hidden his secret yen for extremely tall women all these years (come back, Mad Men! Please come back!).

We finish with Anthony and Laura, who’ve made a red skirt and pants with red top with illusion netting and feathered shoulders. Their model’s walk is awkward too. I kind of think that the stilt walk being so unlike a regular model’s walk is undermining all the clothes for me (or rather I thought that until I looked at the still pictures and realized everything really was just that ugly).

The models do a final walkabout, which underscores for me that I kind of really hate everything on this runway. We quick cut back to Parsons where Heidi asks if they enjoyed the live audience. Heidi calls out Olyvevyer and Anya as being able to move on to the next runway. Anthony/Laura Danielle/Cecilia and Kimberly/Becky had the highest scores. Joshua/Julie, Fallene/Bryce and Bert/Viktor had the lowest.

Heidi sends the low scoring teams off. They go back and Joshua complains about how all the people who did ready to wear stuff are on the runway, while all those who did costumes are at the bottom. Commercial.

Back. We begin with Anthony and Laura. Heidi liked it a lot and thought it was “dramatic enough.” Kim Kardashian loves it and thinks it’s elegant “not costumey at all.” Honey, it involves illusion netting. There is no place for illusion netting in real life. Nina thought the way it moved was beautiful, but finds it referential, and says this is a recurring problem with Anthony. Kors thinks it would still be fabulous even if it weren’t on stilts. Anthony claims he told Laura before they got there that she wanted her to take credit and get the win if they had the top look.

Danielle and Cecilia explain their division of labor – Danielle top; Cecilia pants. Heidi says the hair ruins it for her. “The HAYER is CA-RAYZEE!” Kors explodes. Kim finds the color “rich.” Nina says it’s a pretty outfit, but too quiet. So essentially, it’s on stage for the mere fact that it’s not costumey, but will not win because it’s not costumey enough.

Kimberly explains that she did the pants and Becky did the jacket in their collaboration. Heidi says that it’s sharp and “almost perfect.” Kors tells Kimberly she cuts a mean pant, and says the jacket will make everyone want to get the model’s tattoo. Nina wishes they’d edited the “circusy” half collar.

Heidi tells them to send out the losers. Bert and Viktor go first. Viktor explains that he did the bottom and Viktor did the top. Kors says it’s like “the wallpaper and curtains at a really tacky catering hall.” Kim Kardashian makes some sort of weird comment about The Sound of Music and Marie Antoinette. It’s so sad to watch her trying to be Project Runway clever/bitchy rather than Keeping up with the Kardashians petty/vapid/bitchy. It’s actually kind of painful. This must be why they cut all her lines. Bert says he didn’t create it. Viktor says he owns the work “with him,” Bert turns “slightly lobster color” according to Heidi.

Kim says Bryce and Fallene’s outfit has no effort put into it. Nina says the idea had promise, but there’s “nothing.” Bryce agrees that it’s “half done,” but Nina calls it “none done.” Kors loves the headpiece, and Fallene laughs that at least she did something. Bryce says that both of them should go home if they lost, but when pressed both he and Fallene say Fallene.

Julie explains that she came up with the matador concept. Kors yells “ole” ninety times and says drama doesn’t have to mean tacky. Nina points out that the tiny arms with the huge legs look weird and disproportionate. Heidi says it’s well made. Julie and Joshua both choose Julie to go home if things go awry.

The judges begin deliberating. Laura and Anthony’s was “modern, dramatic” and “exciting.” Danielle and Cecilia’s outfit was “really chic” and the beading was beautiful. Becky and Kimberly’s outfit was impeccably tailored and the proportions were right, and the look was cohesive.

On the bad side, Julie and Josh were an odd team, and made an “insane, very tacky matador outfit.” Bryce and Fallene made a “Black Swan Bob Fosse combo.” Viktor “totally threw Bert under the bus,” and Bert threw back. Heidi and Kim think Viktor is full of it. They’ve made a decision, and call the designers back out. Commercial.

Hasn’t this sexy cop who has sex show been on for two weeks now? Why are they showing the same commercial still?

Back. Heidi tells Anthony and Laura that they did a great job, and that Laura is the winner of this challenge. She has immunity next time. Anthony is also in. Laura says that winning is “awesome.” Becky and Kimberly and Danielle and Cecilia are also in. Joshua and Julie are in.

Bert and Viktor are reminded that dramatic doesn’t mean costumey. Bert is in.

Bryce and Fallene’s look was “boring ballerina” with no effort in it. Bryce is in.

So it’s between Fallene and Viktor. Fallene …. Is out. Viktor is in, and is allowed to leave the runway. Fallene gets her aufweidersehn. She’s happy to have tried this, and happy and proud to have made it this far. She gets hugs from Viktor and Cecilia. Tim tells her they’ll miss her and her “eccentricities.” He sends her to clean up her space. She hopes she inspires people to always go with their heart.

Next time! Designing for Nina! You’re so very different, Julie. I’m just trying to be normal. No. No. It’s just looking a little sad. The fabric is a disaster. The choice of fabric is very sad. I mean it’s depressing.