It's that time of year AGAIN.

(If you're looking for Project Runway, either scroll down or click here so you won't have to be exposed to the baseball side of my personality)

It’s that time of year again, chickens! Yes, it’s the time of year when things around here get terribly, terribly confusing for everyone who comes around expecting talk about fashion, or cakes, or Tim Gunn and Swatch, or Gwyneth Paltrow, or reality TV, or. . .much of anything.

Because it’s the motherfucking playoffs, children. And it’s time, yet once again, Jordan’s Fearless and Fairly Illogical Postseason Picks.

As you may recall, this is where you and I match our picks for the postseason against those of the venerable Washington Post and FOX Sports' Lilliputian Ken Rosenthal. The highly scientific scoring system is as follows: in the Division Series, you get two points for picking the correct team and 1 additional point if you also pick the correct number of games. Points then double for each subsequent round (4/2 for the League Championship; 8/4 for the World Series).

You may also recall that last year, I started climbing back up in my own rankings after losing my "opposite power" over the Phillies -- that 2 year phenomenon wherein they did exactly the opposite of whatever I said they were going to do, whether that was winning or losing. And in the LOWEST SCORING Fearless and Fairly Illogical postseason of all time, the final scores came down the line as: Tyler 19; Jeni 18; JCD 14; jordanbaker: 14; Vittoria: 13;Beefy Muchacho: 8; Mighty Momogus: 8; Rebecca: 8; FOX: 6; WaPo: 6.

So that the Dealing in Subterfuges All-Time Wall of Fame now looks like:

2010: Tyler (19 points)
2009: Beefy Muchacho (34 points)
2008: I-66 (18 pts)
2007: FOX (20 pts)

2006: Jordan (23 points)

With Beefy Muchacho still holding the all-time record, and no one winning more than once.

So you know the rules, such as they are. My choices are governed by my gut and my fervent hopes, with the occasional limited influx of logic and statistics and whatnot. Yours can be governed by whatever you will. Leave yours—team and how many games it takes-- for the Division Series in the comments of this post, and remember that the Division Series is a best of 5 series, not best of 7.

So you can’t say “Phillies in 6!” for the NLDS and expect to get anything other than a serious mocking.

Two notes on the pros' picks before I unload my own: First, I'll update this post tomorrow when WaPo publishes their NLDS picks (Updated, 10/1. Second, Ken Rosenthal, in addition to being shorter than humanly possible, is a craven coward. He has picked the safe choice in every single match-up, and picked them each to take the full five games.

Moron.

My own, in case you hadn't guessed it, are going to be fearless and fairly illogical. And ruled entirely by emotion, as you could probably have figured out given that...hello, the Cardinals. And also the Diamondbacks, who I've drifted from in recent years because I never had that rooted, gut-based loyalty to them the way I do to St. Louis, and because I've come to love the Nationals so much. But the D-Backs are still friends -- friends I don't see much, and don't keep up with the way I should, but the kind where when we do see each other, we pick up right where we left off (for example, my eyes pricking up with happy tears when I heard that stupid, stupid "We Back the D-Backs" song faintly over the stadium loudspeakers after they won their last televised game) and have a good time.

So here goes. Starting, naturally, with the National League, since those teams actually play baseball:>

Phillies vs. Cardinals. Unless you just found this mad little outpost, you know exactly what I'm going to say and why I'm going to say it. I am a Cardinals' fan, born, bred, and generations back. And just to rehash what I said last year: "Phillies fans, you are bitches. Sorry, but you are a bunch of sad, ill mannered bitches, and you should all be rounded up and shot unless you all agree to start actually watching the sport instead of merely, merrily using it as an excuse for poor behavior."

But if you want a reason. If you want some logic or something. 1) The Phillies' record this season was .630. Their record against the Cardinals? .333. Yep. They dropped 6 out of the 9 games the two teams played (if you want the converse, the Cards had a .556 season average and a .666 average against the Phillies). 2) Momentum. Click on the "postseason" tag at the bottom of this post and see what I've said about momentum in the past. You could make an argument that both teams have some -- the Phillies, after all, just swept the Braves (and thank you for that, by the way) after stumbling through the middle part of September. But a late comeback from a team that's been considered a lock for the postseason since May is not the same as the kind of momentum a bunch of guys who've kicked, scratched, and bit their way back from the brink of elimination have.

Jordan says: Cardinals in 5

FOX says: Phillies in 5

WaPo says: Phillies in 3

Diamondbacks vs. Brewers.
I've mentioned before that I don't hate the Brewers and the Cubs the way I'm supposed to. I put this off mostly to their fans, who are just genuinely nice Midwestern types who respect a good game of baseball. But I always find it fundamentally amusing when they lose. It seems to restore rightness to the world somehow, to put things back in their appropriate place.

And frankly, I've begun to get a bit irritated when any NL Central team but the Cardinals even bothers to win the Division, because none of them do anything with it. They always fold. It can be in the first round, it can be in the series, but their failure to produce is just inevitable.

Also, I'm from Arizona. Don't look for logic -- the heat burned it out of me long ago. Let's just own this: it's a fact, Jack. I back, you back, we back the D-backs.

Jordan says: Diamondbacks in 5

FOX says : Brewers in 5
WaPo says: Brewers in 4

And now for that other league where they play some warped variation of baseball that does not require their fat sissy boy pitchers to actually play the game. The ALDS starts with a familiar match up; a repeat of last year:

Rays vs. Rangers. Can I just recycle what I said last year? I do still have my insane old man crush on Joe Maddon. The Rangers are still from Texas. And even though I was wrong, wrong, wrongity wrong about this last year, I'm sticking with my guns. 'Cause why? 'Cause MOMENTUM, that's why.

Jordan says: Rays in 4

FOX Says: Rangers in 5
WaPo says: Rangers in 4.

Finally, we have the Yankees vs Tigers. Confession? My Yankees hate is still in ebb because of my amazing experience at the old stadium, and having come to hate other teams more. But on the other hand,I really like Tigers' manager Jim Leyland. I like his friendship with Tony LaRussa. I like his old man moustache and the fact that his brother is a Catholic priest (I know, I know -- that is a random thing to like someone for... but it's just more evidence, to me, of what a solid old school guy Leyland is. I kind of feel the same way about his smoking).

What it comes down to for me, ultimately, is that New York came in at the top of a division where only one team came in under .500 (hello there, Baltimore. Suck it). Detroit is the only team in its division to come in above .500.

In fact, the AL Central was so bad this year that every team except the Tigers had a worse record than the .497 Washington Nationals. Suck that, every fan of one of those teams who's ever made fun of the Nats.

Jordan says: Yankees in 4

FOX says: Tigers in 5
WaPo says Tigers in 5.

So that's it, kids. Now go to -- leave your own picks in the comments.

Project Runway: That '70s Sew

Anthony Ryan
Rockin’ one testicle
But not the runway.

(If you’re here for baseball, be patient – I will sneak some time later in the day to get that up and then link it here)

Chickens, I feel like last night was maybe the first legitimate shocker this show’s offered up in a long time.

From early early early in the competition, I thought Anthony Ryan was going to be one of the ones to go all the way. He’s been fairly consistently strong, and he’s got a compelling narrative – what with the cancer and the color blindness and the super hot fiancée to video chat with and all.

Especially since – and I only noticed this last night – but he, Joshua, and Anya are the only three designers to get face close-ups during the opening credits, which I thought might mean something…

…but anyway, now he’s gone, and he’s gone in favor of that wretched cockplant Joshua. Blearghhh. I hate this decision. But aside from hating it, I don’t have a lot to say (except for the 6 pages that will follow this introductory chit chat), because the episode itself was kind of a snooze? At least, I felt like there were little hints about drama that might be happening, but not a lot actually happened…

…that made no sense. I’m too tired – the cat was angry at me for having people over last night, so she wrought her horrible vengeance by playing noisily from about 3 a.m. forward. Let’s just do this.

Night! New York! Atlas apartments! Kimberly is fretting over how tough the challenge was for her since she’d never done menswear. In the men’s apartment, Viktor is excited to have gained a second win. Joshual feels like people were making excuses about their skill level. Viktor also tells us that if people get nasty, “the Tiger will come out.” And then he gives the prettiest little kittenish “meow!” to punctuate that statement. It’s pure comedy.

The next day on the runway, Heidi tells them that for their next challenge, they’ll be looking to the past to find their inspiration. She tells them that Tim and a guest will explain. In the workroom, the guest turns out to be Heather Archibald from Piperlime. The winning designer will have his or her garment produced for sale on Piperlime so that Lifetime can squeeze every last possible design out of this floundering franchise.

Heather tells them that one of the trends the Piperlimers are excited about this fall is the “revival of the sophisticated ‘70s.” The designers all commit internal hari-kari over this, because they still vividly remember the last challenge. Tim does too, apparently, since he stresses that their task is to create sophisticated ‘70s inspired separates, and that they shouldn’t be too literal.

After a brief Q&A session about what the Piperlimians are looking for, the designers grab Piperlime accessories off of the Piperlime accessory wall and begin sketching. Bert has serious plans. Joshua is thrown for a loop because he “never lived …in that time,” which he says as though the ‘70s were the Middle Ages or something. Joshua was apparently born in the ‘80s in a small plastic bubble, into which nary an old movie nor a Charlie’s Angels rerun nor a picture of his parents before he was born was allowed to permeate.

Kimberly, on the other hand, is being inspired by a picture of her mother, who was a secretary in the ‘70s. Anya wants to design what someone in the ‘70s would wear to holiday in Jamaica. Laura says she’s a “’70s glam kind of girl.” She says this in an interview, while wearing a J. Crew cardigan in grass green (trust me).

Tim collects them and they head off to MOOD, where they have $100 and 30 minutes to shop. Everyone looks for prints. A lot of people go for muted earth tones. Anya, since she’s wearing a dress with no pockets, keeps her money tucked into her top, and somewhere between the bolts and the register, it falls out. There’s a mad flurry while everyone looks for it. They don’t find it before time is called. Tim tells Anya that she’ll have to ask the other designers if they have extra money they can lend her. She’ll also be allowed to use muslin. Commercial.

Back. Anya begs around and manages to scrounge $11 and change, most of it from Anthony Ryan. She gets one piece of fabric, a zipper and buttons. Tim says it’s ironic that this has happened to her because she gave away so much of her extra fabric during the last challenge.

In the workroom, everyone rallies around Anya, giving her scraps and things. Well, everyone except Viktor, who shrugs and reminds us that it’s a competition. Tim reminds them to balance the “wow and pizzazz” of their design with the fact that this will have to be something Piperlime will want to produce. They have until 10 p.m. that night, and then all of the next day.

Work montage. People keep asking living relic Bert if things are ‘70s. Bert kindly indulges the stupid children instead of shaking a stick at them and telling them to get off his lawn. He tells us his advantage isn’t just having lived through the ‘70s, but having done the sort of commercially producible work that Piperlime needs.

Anthony Ryan tells us “from Woodstock to hippie movement, there’s a sort of ease to the ‘70s.” Anthony Ryan should go back to Bert’s station and ask him what the ‘70s were again, because he seems to be off by a few years. Laura is excited about the challenge because she wears ‘70s clothes all the time. Viktor doesn’t trust Joshua’s interest in his work – he thinks Joshua steals people’s ideas. “I’m not drivin’ you anymore, Miss Daisy,” he tells us in interview.

Anya starts dyeing some muslin to make her garment. Bert is confused by Anthony’s late ‘80s prints. Viktor thinks Laura’s prints clash. In the sewing room, Anya and Laura mention that the three girls have a pact to tell each other if their designs aren’t working. They wonder if they should exercise the pact on Kimberly, because they think her outfit is very “9 to 5.” Which was made in 1980, by the way girls, so it’s not that far off.

Laura asks Bert if he went to Studio 54 a lot. Bert shakes his stick at her and tells her to get off his lawn. No, not really. Bert apparently went all the time, and saw all the people there – Diane VonFurstenburg, Diana Ross, Liza, Halston… Laura asks if that’s how Bert got his Halston job. Bert says no, and then coyly adds “I got it in the balcony in the third row.” There’s a beat where Laura doesn’t quite get it. “Is that a dirty joke?” She has to ask him.

Meanwhile in another part of the workroom, Kimberly tells Viktor that she thinks Joshua is copying him. Commercial.

Back! Tim enters and tells them that surprise! They have to create a SECOND look so that Piperlime can exploit them twice as much. The second look must be a one-piece look. They have 15 minutes to sketch, then $50 and 15 minutes at MOOD. Kimberly continues work on her first look while others are sketching.

Bert comes up with the genius plan of pinning a swatch of his first look fabric to his shirt, so he knows what he’s already working with and can make sure the new fabrics work with it. Everyone copies this plan, and tell her Anya should do it with her money.

MOOD. Joshua buys the ugliest fabric ever. “It’s out of Tyler Perry,” one of my friends announces.

Back to Parsons, where we’re just in time for the Tim thru. He’s worried that Anthony Ryan’s look might make the model look too old. Anya’s paper bag waist is more like “a Hefty bag waist” in his estimation. Bert has made a “very serious moment,” that the judges could either be enraptured by or think it’s not modern enough.

He loves Kimberly’s jumpsuit idea, but worries that her separates look is too bare. He encourages Viktor to add more safari elements to his safari look. Joshua is cautioned to be careful of relying too much on the narrative – he needs to have clothes that speak for themselves. He warns Laura that Nina is already “bristly” about her taste level. Commercial.

Back. Laura is fretting that Tim questioned her taste level because she thinks that she’s “sometimes maybe too refined.” Oh, bitch, please.

Their models breeze in and out quickly, then the designers are back to work. Bert helps Joshua use a “turner,” and tells him it’s like “you’re putting a you-know-what on.” Then he acts all innocent and tries to play it off like he means a sock. I so enjoy the new charmingly filthy Bert.

Anthony tells us he asks Anya’s advice about clothes because she’s the girl he wants to dress. They hit the end of the day.

Next day! Day of show! Tim tells them they have two hours for the usual hair and makeup, and reminds them that since is the Piperlime challenge, they should use the Piperlime accessory wall Piperlimily. Then he just stands there for about forty minutes going “Piperlime. Piperlime. Piperlime. Piperlime. Piperlime.”

After the models go through hair and makeup, Kimberly realizes the waistband of her jumpsuit is too small because she made it for the model’s natural waist, not her low waist. With ten minutes left, she rushes into the sew room, and then ends up hand sewing the model into it with no closures.

Anya, in similar trouble, runs into the sewing room with one minute on the clock. Tim calls time on her. Commercial.

Back. Heidi successfully subtracts 1 from 7 to tell them that after tonight, only 6 of them will be left. The judges are Kors, Nina, and Olivia Palermo from Piperlime.

They open the show with Kimberly’s separates, which are a trashy blouse with a black skirt. Either would be ok separately, but together they’re a dud. Her one-piece (right) is awesome, though – it’s an awesome jumpsuit made out of suiting. Mark your calendars, folks: I just liked a jumpsuit (ooh, although now that I’ve seen the still photos, there are some real issues with construction).

Anthony’s is next. His first look is some sort of awful weird vest with an awful Southwestern print dress. His second look is a fairly cute maxi dress in a geometric print. Bert has made this WILD blouse/cover-up with a disco top and super booty shorts (left). His second look is a very simple toga dress with different colored front and back.

The first thing Laura sends out is an ugly print skirt with a clashing chevron stripe trop. The second is a black & white jumpsuit that I’m pretty confident my Barbies had – which, depending on when I got it and whether I bought it or got it as a hand-me-down, does make it authentically ‘70s.

Joshua has made a weird equestrian top with insane plaid pants (right). He has lined up the pattern on the pants in such a way that they make her ass look like it is swallowing the material, like a black hole sucking up all the matter in the universe. He has created an ass vortex. His second look is a boring maxi dress.

Anya’s $11 look is first. It’s an orange-ish top with zebra-y looking palazzo pants. Her second look is the a jumpsuit that looks essentially the same as the maxi-dress she always makes, with a slightly lower plunge to the top. Viktor has made a grey safari suit – it’s great, but the color is a total snore. And he’s also made a very boring little cocktail dress.

After lining them up on the runway, Heidi tells Kimberly that she’s in. The rest have the highest and lowest scores, and have to stick around for the critique. Commercial.

Back. They begin evaluating with Laura. Heidi doesn’t love the prints together, and Nina thinks the top looks like a prison uniform. Her second look is so dull that it won’t read as anything online at Piperlime.com. Piperlime Olivia agrees about the prints, and Kors thinks it doesn’t look like fashion; it just looks like clothes.

It is at this point that I realize that Piperlime Olivia looks a lot like Rose Byrne – enough that I kind of wonder if it isn’t just Rose Byrne playing a character named Piperlime Olivia as some sort of weird performance art thing.

Heidi says Viktor produced 2 great looks, though she wishes the suit was sexier. Kors says the t-shirt is killing the sex appeal. Nina thinks it’s beautifully tailored, but a little conservative.

Moving to Joshua, Kors says there’s a real schizophrenia in his outfits. He asks to see the back, and screams at the ass vortex. Heidi says it’s one of the worst outfits she’s seen in a long time. Joshua gives some sort of weird defense of his work, but my attention span – like all the other matter in the universe -- has been sucked up into his model’s ass and completely destroyed. Anyway, Piperlime Olivia is appalled by the leopard accessories with the insane plaid pants. Nina caps things off by saying his choice of fabric is “ho. Ren. Dous.” But she appreciates his willingness to take risks.

Anya tells the judges about her money situation. They marvel that the pants only cost $11. Heidi likes the print. Kors thinks the muslin top is the color of chewed Dentyne, but he loves everything else. And Nina loves the jumpsuit, and thinks it will photograph well.

Piperlime Olivia thinks there’s something incomplete about Anthony’s looks, and says his maxi dress is like a tent. Nina says it’s very hippie-dippy, and not in a good way. Heidi says both girls look boring and have no sex appeal; they’ve just come out in their schmattes. And Nina adds that they’re “two boring girls that are part of a cult.”

Which, if you think about it, what’s more ‘70s than being part of a cult?

Finally, we go to Bert. Heidi likes the styling on the first look, but wonders why the shorts were so short. She doesn’t mind that, though. Of course she doesn’t. Kors likes the shoulder-baring blouse, and that his looks showed two sides of the ‘70s. Nina thinks his tunic dress is beautiful and simple.

The designers head back to the green room, where Joshua gives his bullshit defense about being too young for the ‘70s again. Viktor points out that he was born in 1980, but that doesn’t mean he’s never seen an old movie or anything. They argue for awhile, until Bert and Kimberly point out that part of being a designer is knowing the history of fashion. Sensing that no one is on his side, Joshua flounces off.

Meanwhile, the judges deliberate. Piperlime Olivia says no girl wearing Joshua’s pants would ever get laid. That’s probably because her ass vortex has sucked up all the potential sex partners along with all the other matter in the universe. Nina says Anthony’s girls looked like Manson family members, and that Laura’s clothes looked cheap.

In the top, Heidi says Anya has good taste and pick good prints. They all want her jumpsuit. Nina says Bert’s looks will photograph phenomenally, and they all want the silk dress. They loved Viktor’s t-shirt, and Kors emphatically says EVERY PIECE HE MADE IS GREAT. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells the designers that they really had a hard decision, and that this is the point in the competition where you must bring your best. On that note, Anya is the winner. Her jumpsuit (left) will be sold on Piperlime.com.

Then she tells Bert that his dress (right) will also be sold on Piperlime.com! He’s in too. He does an adorable little old man proud strut once he gets behind the scrim.

Viktor is also in. Laura is in, but she really missed the mark.

So it’s down to Anthony Ryan and Joshua. Anthony made a shapeless tent dress and an unattractive jumpsuit. Everything of Joshua’s was overdesigned as usual.

And Joshua is …. [everyone in my living room starts chanting “out, out, out!” except for one guy who says “he’s in. He brings too much drama for them to get rid of.”] … he’s in. I scream in terror.

Because I object to this decision so much, I will now share with you one of the things all my gay friends have said about Joshua that I hadn’t previously shared because I worried that me saying them sounded homophobic: “Joshua is so gay that Chris Colfer is sitting around with his friends going ‘damn, this guy is GAY.’”

See? You see how bad that sounds coming from me? You see why I won’t tell you all the other hilarious but even more awful ones?

Anyway, Anthony Ryan is out. Anya is going to cry because she’ll miss him. Anthony doesn’t think he got to do his best work, but his voice was heard. Tim Gunn tells them that losing people will be this hard from now to the end. He says he’s proud of Anthony Ryan.

Next time! FUCKING BIRDS. Head to head. It’s over for that dress. How’s she gonna get in it. You’ve only sewed for 4 months…and it shows.

Top Chef Just Desserts: Makin' [desserts] With The Freak, Freak So Unique

One arm’d Rebecca
Victim of the falafel
Ad Rock signed her cast.

Good morning, sabre toothed tigers. How are you?

I’m a bit more fatigued than usual (I know, it probably seems like I say that every week) as I had to stay up last night until the end of the Atlanta/Philadelphia game to find out whether the St. Louis Cardinals would be getting the National League Wild Card slot. And I had to kind of root for the Phillies while I was doing that, which as anyone who’s been around these parts for more than a flat second will know, is anathema to me.

But it was necessary. Uncomfortable and unpleasant, but necessary. Like taking a really hard poop, if I may be indelicate for a moment.

And then I was so janked up that I had to take a Benadryl to get to sleep, so now I’m still in that weird Admiral Stockdale-esque Benadryl hangover place. Who am I? Why am I here? Call Lloyd Bentsen, get this motha fuckin’ crunk.

Anyway, those of you who are into that sort of thing can look for the first Fearless and Fairly Illogical Postseason Post tomorrow around midday. For the rest of you, let’s talk Just Desserts.

As someone who’s made her share of bacon ice creams, I like the idea of the challenge. Sweet/savory combos have been a big thing for awhile now, so it’s nice to see that idea getting some play in one of these challenges. And I will flatly admit: I have NO idea what I would’ve done if faced with some of those ingredients. I’ve never even eaten Pork ‘n’ Beans as Pork ‘n’ Beans, much less tried to think of a way to incorporate them into a dessert.

Oh, and also, Ad Rock was there. Ad Rock!!!! As someone who spent a fair chunk of 6^th grade memorizing the lyrics to Paul Revere so that I’d seem less desperately uncool than I really was, I was totally psyched to see him. And he had a legitimate POV and some solid critiques, unlike a lot of the celebrity guest judges that trickle through these shows.

I’m bummed that Rebecca had to go, because she seemed like a really nice person and a straight up trooper. I mean, she broke her hand during the first challenge, right? And she’s hung in for the next five challenges with one hand, and had some pretty good showings for the last few weeks. So props to her. And props to handsome Matthew for winning! I can’t believe he made cheesecake out of mashed potatoes… and looked so good doing it. He’s still totally my favorite, even though poor little mouthy Serena Southerlyn demands more of my attention lately because of all the haterade Sally is throwing her way.

Let’s do this, shall we?

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaow, here’s a little story I got to tell
About 9 pastry chefs we know so well
They’re in a contest on Bra-vo t-v
For Hubert and Gail and Johnny Iuzzini…

(Too fatigued to do more than that. Maybe later).

Morning! Los Angeles! In the Dessert Loft, the chefs reminisce about the water park challenge earlier that day. Sally says some dumb shit about not giving Katzie a chainsaw. Katzie walks off in a huff after Sally makes fun of her, but points out that you “can’t knock someone for being successful.”

The next day in the Dessert Kitchen, they walk in to see Gail and Jordan Kahn a “pastry wunderkind,” according to Gail, known for using unusual ingredients in his dessert. For their quickfire, they have to pick root vegetables from a garden and use the vegetable in their desserts. Carlos gets celery root. Chris draws jicama. Orlando plucks a radish. Matthew handsomely pulls a parsnip, while one armed Rebecca gets a potato. Katzie gets a turnip, and Megan gets a burdock root. Sally gets turmeric. The winning chef gets immunity and $5000.

This seems like a really unfair selection to work with. Turmeric, at least in its spice form, turns up in everything. I’ve seen turmeric on dessert menus millions of times. I can’t recall ever seeing a dessert radish.

Food flurry. They have an hour to cook. Megan doesn’t even know what her root is. On the theory that it’s Asian, she starts grating it in the hopes that the aroma will inspire her. Chris is glad to have jicama. Carlos is working with peanut butter, again, some more, on a celery root dish that will be based on celery and peanut butter. First, Ew. Second, enough with the peanut butter already, man. At least he didn’t throw Cap’n Crunch in there again this time. I swear, his diet must be comprised entirely of peanut butter and Cap’n Crunch.

Matthew thinks he and Sally will have a leg up on the competition because they both started as line cooks and have the most savory experience. Carlos’ celery root chips aren’t drying out. Megan has caramelized her burdock root. Times up, roots down!

The chefs begin the tasting. Please forgive the occasionally sketchy descriptions both here and in the elimination challenge – Bravo has for some reason seen fit to provide descriptions and pictures of only 13 dishes, omitting both Sally’s win in the quickfire and Rebecca’s ousterworthy (spoiler alert) elimination dish from that total. Who knows why. And I didn’t feel like firing up the TV and speeding through bits of the episode first thing in the morning to get the remaining 6.

Anyway, Gail and Jordan start tasting with Rebecca’s Frosty and French Fry inspired French Fries, Chocolate Sauce, and Malted Milk Ice Cream. Megan explains her Burdock Fritter. Jordan says it’s cool, and he’s a big fan of burdock root. Katzie has turned her turnip into Soy Milk Panna Cotta, Mascarpone Cream Caramel, and Turnip Chips. Sally takes this opportunity to bitch some more about how she doesn’t understand Katzie winning two challenges because her dessert is a mess. It’s official: Craig was the only thing that made Sally human. Now she’s just a bitch lizard.

Chris has to be disqualified because he didn’t put his jicama chips on his Jicama Watermelon Jam with Panna Cotta and Jicama Salad (yes, for some reason they provided a picture of a disqualified dish, but not the one that actually won the quickfire) before plating. Carlos explains his Celery Root in 3 Textures with Peanut Butter Pudding. It looks like a disgusting mess. Matthew has made Caramelized Parsnip Cake with Banana Puree and Caramelized Hazelnuts. Sally’s dish is Some Sort Of Mango Pudding With Turmeric. We finish with Orlando’s Peach and Radish Crumble with Kataifi Crunch and Vanilla Bean Sherbet.

Jordan informs us that least favorites were Rebecca’s overfried potatoes and Carlos’ idea that didn’t translate. His favorites were Sally’s, with its vivid colors, and Matthew’s which was the most beautiful. And the winner is… Sally. Boo. She’s smug and elated. I’d like to punch her. Commercial.

Back. Gail says that for their next challenge, they’ll be adding a little “street” to their menu. She introduces Ad Rock from the Beastie Boys to help with the challenge. Rebecca has had a crush on him since she was 15.

Ad Rock talks about sampling in music – taking what you can to make it their own. So the chefs will be sampling… foods into desserts. A lacky rolls out a “Beastie Boys pantry” full of food referenced in Beastie Boys songs.

They each have to choose 2 items. Megan takes Brass Monkey and whiskey. Matthew picks whiskey and cornbread. Carlos takes popcorn and bacon. Chris goes for broke, grabbing pizza and pork ‘n’ beans. Sally goes with cheddar cheese and prosciutto. Katzie takes hot butter and fries. Orlando grabs sugar coffee with cream and white rum. Rebecca takes a 40 and some ham. NICE. The ham is a bold choice.

Oh, and there’s one more thing. They’re picking one more item to stick one of the other chefs with. Listen all of y’all, it’s sabotage. Sally gets to pick first, and she sticks Carlos with a cucumber. Carlos drops a whole chicken on Sally. That’s awesome.

Matthew gives Orlando peas. Orlando gives Katzie gorgonzola and provolone, smugly saying that they’re things she can’t possibly use Oh, come on, man. Who hasn’t had a dessert with gorgonzola in it? That’s not sabotage. A fucking chicken is sabotage. Get with the villainy, man. Katzie gives Megan oranges and onions. Megan gives Chris canned ravioli. Chris sticks Matt with mashed potatoes and gravy. And Sally sticks Rebecca with falafel.

Gail tells them to get their bodies movin’, because time starts now. They’ve got 4 hours. Matthew is making potato cheese cake with a cornbread crust. He remembers burning out Beastie Boys tapes when he was younger and adds “shit, if this gon’ be that kind of party, I’m’a stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.”

Love. Him.

Chris is realizing that maybe he didn’t make the best choices. What, you’re just now thinking that maybe pizza and pork ‘n’ beans aren’t the next great dessert? Go fig. Orlando is happy that they finally get to cook “by ourselves for ourselves.” I'm totally with him on that. He oversamples the rum a bit, and it slows him down a bit. Two hours.

Sally is butchering a chicken. She’s determined not to play it safe just because she has immunity, like she did last week. Katzie is making sweet pommes frites with different sauces. We hear about Katzie coming out to L.A. when she was really young to work for Sherry Yard, who we met during last year’s Dessert finale. Sally bitch lizards that Katzie’s dish doesn’t look like a dessert.

Rebecca is using falafel flavors in a panna cotta. Orlando is using pre-made cookies, which seems like a complete cheat. Carlos is trying to incorporate street art into his dish by making a sort of popcorn brittle.

Half an hour left. Chris says this is the first time he’s seen Chris worry about a dish. Sixteen minutes. Food flurry. Time! Commercial.

Back. Next morning. Dessert loft. Everyone is looking really tired. Katzie is feeling bad about dumping the onions on Megan since Megan’s her buddy. Chris is missing his wife and his one month old baby with a congenital heart defect. Oh, Jesus, man. That’s not just normal reality show I miss my family type sympathy fodder, that’s sympathy fodder times a million (not that I doubt his sincerity – it’s just that a one month old baby AND a heart defect turns it up to 11). Matthew calls his wife and daughter. He says his daughter was “an accident, but the greatest accident ever.”

They hustle off to Angel City Brewing to set up their dishes among the street art. Fifteen minutes. Matthew puts his gravy in a cream whipper to make gravy foam.

Time! The guests start filing in, tagging the tables as they get food. Marcel comes in and hugs Sally, because they’re close personal friends. Wow, liking her less by the second.

The judges enter and begin with Carlos’ Popcorn Panna Cotta, Spicy Cucumber Air, Bacon Caramel, and Popcorn Glass. Danielle can really taste the cucumber, and Ad Rock loves it. Next they have Orlando’s Coffee, Strawberry, and Rum Parfait with Green Peas. He refuses to tell Johnny whether he made or bought the cookies, but gets called out for it. Danielle says the contrast of strawberries and peas is “artful.”

Megan explains her Chivas Whiskey Pudding Cake, Brass Monkey Sorbet, and Caramelized Onions. Johnny says the cake falls apart on impact, and Megan admits they dried out a bit. She says she’s feelin’ kind of funky because she could go home for brass monkey.

Sally explains her Prosciutto Cake, Chicken Toffee Sauce, and Cheddar Ice Cream. Ad Rock thinks the chicken skin is delicious. Next they hit Katzie with her Sweet Pommes Frites with Sweet and Savory Sauces. Gail wishes there was more intenseness with the cheese. They head over to Rebecca, who gets Ad Rock to sign her cast. She explains her Falafel Panna Cotta with Ham Brittle. Ham brittle? Jesus. Johnny says there’s a lot of garlic in the panna cotta. Gail wants to taste the beer more.

Up next is Chris’s Pork and Bean Brownie, Pine Nut Cream, and Naked Ravioli. “Totally weird,” Gail says. Johnny gets the texture of the Pork ‘n’ Beans but not a lot of the flavor. Marcel snidely tells Chris not to be offended if he doesn’t finish it. Finally, we see Matthew’s Cornbread and Mashed Potato Cheesecake, Whiskey Caramel, and Gravy Foam. Their mind is a little blown by the aerated gravy. Johnny says he can taste all of the ingredients, but doesn’t say if he likes it. Matthew feels like he’s going home. He wants to throw up on himself. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. Carlos and Rebecca explain the banana game, where you put a banana on a person without them knowing it. Apparently you get bonus points if you banana Johnny, but no one’s ever done it yet. Marcel tries and fails. Good.

Back. The chefs are in the pudding room, reflecting on how hard the challenge is. Matthew says the waiting is intense. Gail enters and calls back Katzie, Megan, and Rebecca. Oh, that’s probably the bottom? But the other chefs think it’s the top.

The chefs enter Judges’ table, where Gail tells them that they were the least favorites. Rebecca says the falafel threw her for a loop. Johnny was blasted with garlic from the first bite, and Ad Rock says the ice cream didn’t taste like beer. She cries about how much it sucks to be judged for falafel, ham, and beer.

Megan explained that her cake sat out too long and dried. Ad Rock suggested she should’ve put the onions in the cake for texture. Katzie says she took a risk again, but this time it didn’t pay off. Johnny says she should’ve made fewer condiments, because there were too many combinations and it was too hard to get all the flavors. Gail tells them to call back some of their fellow chefs.

Megan calls in Matthew, Chris, and Sally after telling the other chefs that the three ladies were the least favorite.

Those three chefs enter the judges room, somewhat confused. Gail tells them they made their “absolutely favorite desserts.” Chris says he’s going to throw up now. Ad Rock apologizes for the crazy ingredients. He says Sally’s chicken skin ruined everything else for him. Danielle says it was “salty, crunchy, creamy, everything you want in a mouthful of dessert pleasure.”

Ad Rock compliments Chris’s brownie and “pizza stick,” and Johnny says he did well for having sabotaged himself. Johnny couldn’t believe how well Matthew controlled his flavors and delivered a delicious dessert.

And Ad Rock announces that the winner is… Matthew! Yay!!!! He handsomely thanks Chris for the mashed potatoes and gravy. “I freaked the shit out of that gravy,” he says. Everyone claps for him when he goes back to the pudding room as the handsome winner.

Deliberation. Gail is bemused that some of the most difficult seeming ingredients were the best, and some of the easiest seeming ones missed the mark. She didn’t think Katzie’s was really a risk, and Danielle says it was too literal. Ad Rock says Rebecca fucked up – from his culinary standpoint “she fucked up.” Johnny says it was a garlic bomb. They think Megan was smart for grabbing two kinds of booze, but she didn’t incorporate them, and the onion jam was out of place. Johnny says the ingredients weren’t the chefs’ worst enemies: their own skills and confidence levels were. Commercial.

Back. The chefs are in the pudding room, where Katzie is stressing about being in the bottom. She snaps at one armed Rebecca.

They return to the judges’ chamber, where Johnny reminds Megan that her cake was dry and her marmalade pungent; Rebecca was unable to overcome obstacles; and Katzie’s dessert was not creative. And of course it’s one armed Rebecca going home. She’s proud of herself for making it this far, and not giving up even after she broke her hand. She tells the other chefs “I like all your hair, and I hope y’all win.” She still loves the Beasties, but hates falafel. What a sweet lady.

Next: chocolate. Any way you want. Spray spray spray. Oh, and it’s teams. Again. Some more. Chris and I are going head to head. It’s not very interesting, I don’t want to get closer. Chris is extremely critical: it’s just uncalled for.

Project Runway: Men, Men, Men, Men, Manly Men.

Oh, Oh, Olivier
(The second I is silent)
You’re a jerk. Get lost.

Peaches, I’m exhausted. As the two of you who watch Top Chef Just Desserts know, I had to be up at the ass crack of dawn yesterday to go to Baltimore. And then I had to spend all day in Baltimore. It was exhausting.

So forgive me if I’m brief. I am utterly JOYFUL that we’ve gotten shot of that pretentious knob Oliver with the extra I so it’s spelled like the actor Laurence Olivier but pronounced like the small orange cat in Oliver and Company. I’m so glad we’re rid of him, and his fakey-fake-fake accent, and his affected mannerisms, and his clothes that are made only for mannequins, because actual people might ruin them by breathing or having flesh on their bones or something crazy.

And I was sorely disappointed in how much they crapped up the menswear challenge. It’s been so long since we had a menswear challenge, and then we do and they come up with all this crap that looks like poo stained bedspreads and bad hippie costumes that you might buy in a bag at Target. Which is maybe why we don’t have menswear challenges often, I guess, because it all turns out so poorly.

I just don’t have the energy to say too much about it. And I have to go to work, despite really just wanting to stay in bed sleeping all day. So let’s do this.

Morning! Atlas apartments! The boys in one apartment eat cereal together cheerily. In the other, Joshua mopes alone, since there are only 5 dudes left and everyone from his apartment has been eliminated. Anya tells us that everyone who’s left is her friend.

Runway! Heidi hallos them and tells them that image is everything. Tim will meet them at the Rockwood Music Hall with the details. Well, it’s a good thing that someone is meeting them somewhere for the details, because Heidi has apparently devolved back into her old gnomic self and is just making bizarre statements with no clear bearing on the contest. Anyway, Anthony thinks they’ll be revamping the images of old rockstars. He’s excited.

At the Rockwood Music Hall, Tim introduces Peter Butler of Garnier. We’ve met him in previous seasons, I think. He’s like the Collier Strong for when Actual Collier Strong is unavailable. Anyway, between the two of them they manage to blather out something about an unsigned band being on the cover of Rolling Stone. Said band is The Sheepdogs. The designers’ challenge is to take them “to the next level,” whatever the fuck that means. The winning look will be featured in advertorials in Marie Claire and Rolling Stone.

And, since it’s a band, and it’s this year and no one on any show is allowed to work alone, ever, they’ll be working in TEAMS! Yayyyyy!!!! Except not. The first team is Olestra, Viktor, Kimberly, and Joshua, meaning that team two is Bert, Laura, Anya, and Anthony. Laura bitches about how she always has to work with Bert in every team challenge.

Tim introduces the Sheepdogs, who are all men. Kimberly bitches about having to make menswear, which she’s never done. The Sheepdogs play a song for the designers so they can get a sense of their vibe. Oleander, unused to the strange human noise we call “music,” freaks out and covers his ears. Anyway, the Sheepdogs aren’t bad – their song is a pleasant, 60s sounding little tune. Then the band members give some ideas about what they want from their looks. One wants a dashiki, one wants Jeans, Joshua is drawn to Ryan’s “snakeskin boots.” I can only assume “snakeskin boots” is gay slang for “crotchital area,” since that’s what Joshua ends up designing for. And Laura likes Leot’s idea about red jeans. Or pants.

Tim explains that each designer will make a look for one band member. The teams don’t have to be cohesive – which is really good, because I can imagine in a pure team challenge, you’d end up with some dreadful matchy-matchy shit. And these are the Sheepdogs, not Josie and the Pussy Cats.

The designers divide up the bands and get to working. On “Team Harmony,” Anya takes Sam, Laura takes Leot, Anthony takes Ryan, and Bert takes Ewan. On “Team Untitled,” Kimberly will design for Sam, Viktor takes Leot, Origami takes Ewan, and Joshua takes Ryan and his bulging package. I mean snakeskin boots. One of those.

Bert jokes to his team that he’ll come in handy because he’s actually from the era the Sheepdogs are inspired by. Anthony interviews that Bert may be from the sixties, but whether he remembers it is another thing entirely.

MOOD. Laura looks for dyeable denim. Overage wants corduroy, and runs short on time. Anya is shocked by what she buys. Laura runs out of money, but Bert has plenty to spare and gives some to her. Thank you, MOOD.

Back at Parsons, they get out their fabrics. Olestra bitches about Ewan being bigger than mannequins. Well, it’s nice that his sizeism applies equally to both genders, I guess. Commercial.

Back. Everyone is designing. We see Joshua’s horrifying hairy ass as he tries the fit on the pants he’s making. It’s really gross. In the lunch room, Anya and Viktor gossip about Overlap’s inability to work with actual people

Peter Butler and Tim arrive to have a hair consultation or something about the band members. I assume that’s what happens, anyway -- my notes just say “Garnier thingy”. We learn a lot about styling men’s longish textured hair, which is really useful if you’re Jesus or something, but has no useful application in my own life.

Suddenly it’s Day 2 and we’re back in the apartment. Anthony shaves. Kimberly wonders what Bert will do since he has no extra fabric.

Back at Parsons, they get to work. Bert’s dyed fabric has come out grape juice purple rather than navy blue.

Tim thru! He brings the Sheepdogs with him, and the individual band members come and check on their looks. Leot thinks Laura’s red denim needs to go darker, and he doesn’t want the shirt to show off his “rug” of chest hair. Sam likes Anya’s idea. Ryan likes “the wood” print Anthony has chosen. We see Bert’s pants, and I immediately start singing the “la da da, la da da da” portion of “Me and Bobby McGee,” because they look like something Janis Joplin would wear. So… era appropriate, but gender not so much. Tim Gunn agrees with me that they feel a little feminine, and Ewan says there’s a “lot of purple going on.” Commercial.

Back. We see the other team’s looks. Tim worries that Viktor’s look for Leot will look cheap. Sam wants something simpler than the brown and plaid combo Kimberly has planned. Anya has given her some fabric he likes better – Anya will be pissed if having been helpful ends up benefiting the other team.

Joshua wants to draw the eye to Ryan’s crotch. He apparently can’t sell to straight men. Oarlock doesn’t know if Ewan will be happy with the shirt he’s making for him. I can’t see how he possibly would, since the shirt appears to be made out of the Jessica McClintock dress I had for my eighth grade graduation in 1991.

Two hours left until the clients come back for the fittings. Bert redyes his pants to try and get a less purple-y color. And then some other stuff happens that I ignore, because the next note I have is “client fittings.”

Client fittings! I love Bert’s Ewan pants, but I’m a lady. Viktor talks about … ok, help me translate this people, because my notes appear to say “Viktor talks about how Kimberly and Anya can’t structure butchery wkit.”

Ewan calls Orgasm’s pants “a little wedgifying.”

Fashion flurry! Orchestra drifts into the lunch room, borne on a soft wind like a piece of dandelion fuzz, and almost overhears Anya and Joshua talking shit about him. At this point, we decide that Orville is actually Dieter from the old "Sprockets" sketch on Saturday Night Live (we’d previously decided he was Tila Tequilla –have you ever seen them together? – so Dieter seems almost charitable).

At this point, we stop paying attention, because we’ve decided that this show was made to kill rock n’ roll. And gays. And women. But the show goes to commercial.

Back. Day of runway show. Kimberly is stressing about the cut of her pants. Tim Gunn tells them they have a jam packed morning because of sharing their models. Also, the models will perform in each of their outfits rather than walking the runway.

Bert is tie dying. He hasn’t tie-dyed since 1971. There’s some situation on the back of the shirt that makes it look like Ewan pooed. Ewan spends his fitting with the other team sitting around in his briefs – not because he actually pooed, but because Oregon hasn’t made him any pants yet. As for the top, I realize that it’s not my eighth grade graduation dress – it’s the yellow and blue Ralph Lauren Home bedspread that half the girls in my freshman year dorm had in 1995.

Kimberly has made her dude a uniform for his part-time job at Arby’s in 1976. Anya isn’t satisfied with her outfit, but is crossing her fingers that she’s better than Kimberly. Commercial.

Runway. Heidi gives them the horns in silhouette, and then welcomes them to the first ever rock concert on the runway. The judges are Kors, Garcia, and Adam Lambert. One of my friends says that Adam Lambert looks like a “hard, fat Pink.”

The Sheepdogs perform in team Harmony’s costumes. It’s a lot of purple and fringe. Anthony says Ryan looks like Rock Jesus. Bert’s pants are awesome, but he has Ewan wearing dreadful braids. The band plays a second song while wearing Team Untitled’s designs. The collision of browns and florals make it look like someone’s pooed on their Laura Ashley sheets. Commercial.

Back. We begin with Team Harmony’s clothes. Kors doesn’t see any swagger in their designs, and Nina says everything is “very expected.”

They open with Laura’s outfit for Leot. Kors likes the dark colors and retro vibe. It’s one of Heidi’s favorites. Lambert says it’s 70s, but also contemporary. Kors says the top looks like he cut himself shaving, and she needed to push it further. And Nina thinks the jacket looks like a ladies’ jacket, and the scarf is like a scarf from the mall.

Adam Lambert likes Bert’s poo tunic, and thinks it’s very chic. Kors says he wouldn’t have thought that Bert had a rocker in him. And Nina likes the stupid braids.

On the other hand, Nina thinks that Anya has made Sam look like Pocahontas, and his pants are splitting in the back. Kors says her outfit is a combination of “Reggae Jesus” and a “suede lobster bib,” and that her only 4 months of sewing is really showing itself here.

Finally, Anthony. Heidi thinks it’s ok, but Kors says it’s “Golden Girls goes rock & roll.” Adam Lambert… I don’t know. The notes look like they say the outfit “reminds him of his doom,” but that seems unlikely.

Now it’s Team Untitled’s turn. Okefenokee gets his first, as Heidi says his outfit is really boring. Lambert says it’s not a flattering cut, and Nina tells him it’s not the right look for the band’s lead. Lambert also hates the upholstery fabric.

Kors thinks Kimberly’s look is “Peter Brady at an Autumn Harvest,” while Nina calls it “Old Man PJ’s.” Adam Lambert says it’s “Scooby-Doo, where are you?”

Kors loves Viktor’s jacket, and Heidi agrees that it’s impeccable. Then Kors says something about “Mad Max meets Woodstock.” Nina says it’s very impressive.

Heidi likes the crotch zipper on Joshua’s pants, but hates the fringe. Lambert agrees that the pants are cool and the zipper is sexy. Nina thinks the look is too tricky.

They send the designers off for deliberation. They don’t like Osteopath, Anya, or Kimberly’s looks. They’re particularly shocked by Ochre’s unfinished design since he’s a menswear designer. He is?

On the plus side, Heidi thinks Joshua’s guy is hottest. Joshua thought the same thing, but is that reason enough for him to win. Kors praises the fit on Viktor’s jeans. And they also like Bert’s look, which is modern but with a wink at the past. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Bert he’s in, and they loved his outfit. Viktor is the winner. Yay! He goes back to the green room, where Bert hugs him. It’s nice that they’ve gotten past their shit.

Laura, Joshua, Anthony, and Anya are all in. So it’s down to Osh Kosh and Kimberly. Ombre’s was not good, and Kimberly’s was massively disappointing.

But Kimberly is in, and Oncle is out. He goes back and unnaturally hugs the others, as he hears this is what humans do when they have the emotion they call “sadness.”

We see a bit of Viktor’s photo shoot with the Sheepdogs. Thank god, they’ve found different clothes for the rest of them.

Next! Look at the past! I have lived in that time. I’m not drivin’ you no more Miss Daisy. Four hours. No thanks to any of those girls.

Top Chef Just Desserts: Waterloo, Couldn't Escape If I Wanted To

Amanda Must go
For in Soviet Russia
Cake funnels you.

Parnsips, today is going to be even faster and more furious than ever. I have to leave the house ridonkulously early this morning to go to an all day conference in the smelly metropolis of Baltimore, so I ran this whole stupid thing up last night and scheduled it to publish instead of leaving it in rough form and going back through and putting in fancy things like pictures and verbs and whatnot in the morning.

So that means we’re pretty stripped down here. Few pictures. No Bravo intern descriptions of the food. No reflection. And absolutely no proofreading.

So Amanda’s gone, and I’m bummed about that because I kind of liked what little we saw of her. I guess we should’ve known what side the bread was buttered on once Sally SUDDENLY had a crush on her and we SUDDENLY learned about her Russian mom when she’s been a nonentity up until now. But whatever. She ruined funnel cake, and funnel cake is one of my favorite things in the world. You ruin funnel cake, you gots to go.

On the flip side, I’m super pleased that Katzie won two in a row, and I now have a negative opinion of Sally and Carlos – both of whom I’d previously liked – because they’re being such haters about her. Matthew continues to be handsome, and is additionally funny and self aware. And Orlando’s small heart grew three sizes when he helped Rebecca One Arm with her candy bar.

Oh, and then there’s this:

NOT EVEN, Gail Simmons. The Water-Loo scenes – like ALL of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure -- were filmed in ARIZONA. AT THE GOLFLAND/SUNSPLASH ON US-60. THE ONE I GREW UP GOING TO. IN THE ‘80S.

Rispetto, Simmons. Don’t you go spreading lies with your inaccurate water park tweets. You bow down to Golfland/Sunsplash, and Metro Center Mall, and the Tempe Village Lanes (two miles south of the house I grew up in, yo), and Coronado High School, and all the other great things the Valley of the Sun gave Hollywood that it might birth Bill and Ted and their Excellent Adventure.

Let’s just do this, huh? I have to go to Baltimore tomorrow.

Morning! Los Angeles! At the Dessert Loft, Katzie is pleased with herself for winning. Sally doesn’t think she deserved it. She says something ridiculous about Katzie being young, which is made even stupider by the fact that Sally was the one dragging Craig around by his apron strings for the last five weeks.

They head over to the Dessert kitchen for the quickfire, where they’re greeted by Gail and pastry chef Pichet Ong. For their quickfire, they have to create an entirely new, original candy bar from scratch. Orlando is psyched because he owns his own chocolate factory. The winner gets immunity.

They start the candy bar flurry with 1 and ¾ hours to cook. That’s kind of random. Carlos hits Rebecca’s busted arm and she collapses in pain. She cries. Orlando boasts that he doesn’t like crying “but I’m very good at making individuals cry.” Douche.

Matthew is making a custom mold to differentiate his candy bar from the others. Carlos is making something with chocolate, peanut butter, and banana flavors. Sally thinks she’ll be noticed since, like Pichet, she bases her stuff on Asian ingredients. Katzie’s caramel is messy but delicious.

Twenty-nine minutes. Chris is doing both a white and milk chocolate version of his bar. Matthew’s aren’t working. One arm Rebecca knocks over her tray. Orlando, for all his boasting about making people cry, rushes over to help her since he’s done. “I do have a little bit of a heart,” he tells us. She’s blown away that he’s helping her.

Time! Gail and Pichet begin their tasting with Katzie, who’s made a “Caramel Cove.” “Lot of Banana in there,” Gail says, and Pichet thinks the banana is too soft. Carlos’ candy bar is a “Choconana” involving chocolate pop-rocks. Sally’s is a “Who’s It?” with black rice. Pichet likes the texture.

Matthew introduces his “M Pastry Bar” which involves hazelnut and orange. Gail points out that the bottom isn’t finished. Orlando has a “Berry Blast” with blackberry port jam. Gail finds the jam a little too liquid. Chris has made “Lil’ Darling” in milk and white chocolate. Matthew thinks he has iti n the bag. Amanda’s is a “Royal Chocolate Bar” with Earl Grey. YOM.

Megan gives a grandma-related backstory about her “Ginger Buckeye Blast.” “It’s a very sophisticated buckeye,” Gail says. Rebecca’s is “Fruit on the Bottom.” Pichet thinks the technique with the panna cotta is interesting.

Pichet says that his least favorites were Matthew’s unfinished misshapen bar; Katzie’s “mess on a stick” which drives her bananas because it’s not on a stick. Serena Southerlyn is very literal.

His favorites were Sally’s, Rebecca’s (she thanks Orlando). And the winner is Sally. So she has immunity, and “it feels freakin’ good” because she’s tired of being at the bottom. Commercial.

Back. Elimination challenge. They draw popsicles that assigns them to three teams. Carlos, Sally, and Amanda are one, Orlando, Chris, and Matthew are another, and Katzie, Rebecca, and Megan are the third. They’re going to make refreshing desserts for water park visitors. Amanda has never been to a water park because her mother was an immigrant from Communist Russia.

Food flurry. Four and a half hours to cook. Rebecca is “super stoked” about the team she’s on. Katzie says their plan is to make “best of class versions of traditional summer treats” instead of anything crazy. Team Orlando/Matthew/Chris is taking the opposite approach, and trying to do something refined. Sally is “doing what the team wants” because she has immunity, and she doesn’t want the other guys to go home because of her mistake. In other words, she’s abdicating responsibility.

Orlando talks about coming from the Caribbean and growing up surrounded by water. Ok. Carlos is making 150 ice cream bars, and there are only 2 machines. Their team is hogging the ice cream machines, which frustrates Katzie. There’s a huge scene about divvying up the ice cream machines. Chris’s team strategically opts to use the Poco Jet Machine instead of having to share out the two ice cream makers.

Johnny-thru. He doesn’t think Orlando put enough thought into his combination of root beer float and ice cream sandwich. Katzie is making a spumoni dessert based on a restaurant Johnny is very familiar with. Amanda is challenging herself being the only one using a fryer.

He asks Sally about the stress with the ice cream makers, and at this point, Katzie’s overflows. Carlos smiles meanly. “She is a disaster,” he says. “She’s just a hot mess,” Sally agrees. Oh, grow up. I don’t like you anymore.

Time is running out. Carlos’s ice cream pops aren’t freezing fast enough. 20 minutes. Chris and Matthew dump liquid nitrogen on the Paco Jet canisters. Chris steals the liquid nitrogen from Carlos. Carlos, the ice cream maker hog, thinks that’s not very professional. Commercial.

Back. At the dessert loft, the girls discuss what to wear to the water park. Katzie doesn’t want anyone to see her in a bathing suit. Sally thinks Amanda is funny and beautiful, and would have a crush on her if she was a lesbian. Chris points out that this is the third time Carlos is doing something Cap’n Crunch related.

Water Park. They have an hour and a half to set up their statements. The Orange Team (Chris, Matthew, and Orlando) is spinning Matthew’s ice cream and mocking Orlando’s shorts. The Blue Team sets up Amanda’s fryer so she can test her funnel cake.

Time! A bunch of screaming children rush in and start grabbing treats. Katzie squirts them with lavender. Orlando says the rush for food is like “a zombie attack.” Eventually, the judges arrive and head for the Orange team. We have Whatsername rather than Huber, and Pichet is back to judge the elimination.

Chris introduces his Passion Mixer with Ginger Fizz and a Passion Sorbet served from an ice luge. Whatsername says it’s refreshing, but Johnny finds it sticky at the back of his throat. Orlando explains his Chocolate Vanilla Root Beer Surprise. Pichet thinks a bit of fruit would make it more refreshing, and Whatsername says that it’s heavy. Orlando over explains his decisions.

Matthew wanders off to prepare his dessert ala minute. Johnny is displeased about waiting. Matthew presents his Strawberry Shortcake with Sauteed Strawberries and Ice Cream. Johnny says the ice cream’s a bit gummy. Gail is not thrilled with the warm strawberries. Matthew agrees that she’s right.

The judges hit the Green Team next, and begin by getting squirted in the face with lavender mist. Rebecca’s dessert is a Lemon Snickerdoodle Ice Cream Sandwich. YUM. Danyelle loves the nostalgia, and Johnny compliments her ice cream. Next is Megan’s Strawberry Soda Float with White Peach and Basil Sorbet. Johnny compliments the mildness of her basil but Gail thinks the strawberry is too sweet.

Katzie introduces her Baked Alaska with Spumoni Twist. Danyelle says it’s a really nuanced and sophisticated. Pichet was worried it would be a mess on a stick again, but he likes the way it melts in his mouth.

Finally, we wind our way to the Blue Team, where Carlos introduces his Capn’ Crunch Ice Cream Bar. Pichet says it’s pretty but not refreshing, and Johnny calls it “sweet on sweet on sweet on sweet.” Amanda worries that the funnel cakes will get too firm while they sit there waiting for the judges to try Sally’s Berry Smoothie with White Chocolate Rice Krispies. The judges like the Krispies, but think she should’ve done more with that element.

Amanda introduces her Funnel Cake with Coconut Sorbet and Pineapple Jam. “Did you want it to be crispy?” Danyelle asks. Amanda explains that it’s sat too long. Johnny says if you’re going to do an ala minute component, you should actually do it ala minute.

Carlos says this is the first time in any challenge he’s heard more negative than positive feedback, and he’s nervous. Amanda says she should’ve insisted on going first. Commercial.

Fakeback! The chefs decide to go on the water slides after service. Some of them are chickens and sit out by the side of the pool. Katzie goes down with such enthusiasm that her board shorts come off. Fortunately, she’s wearing a bathing suit under them.

Back. Sally claims she “sacrificed herself” to her team. Rebecca points out that it’s not a sacrifice since she had immunity. Gail calls back Megan, Katzie, and Rebecca. Sally gives a smug look. “Totally sucks being on the bottom,” Matthew says.

Gail tells the girls that they’re the winning team. They jump and hug. Pichet says he’d have their desserts on any hot day. Johnny compliments them on doing elevated versions of ice cream truck classics. But one really stood out. Pichet announces that the winner is…Katzie! Yay!!!! Twofer, Serena Southerlyn! Johnny tells her she did Spumoni Gardens proud. Gail asks them to call back the other two teams.

Sally looks furious when Rebecca announces that Katzie’s the winner. The other two teams file in to the judges’ room. They begin with Sally. Johnny asks if she thinks she played it safe because she had immunity. “No, god no. I’d never do it that way,” Sally says, wide-eyed, despite the fact that this is exactly what she did despite not wanting to frame it like that. Johnny says that what she created wasn’t very special.

Pichet compliments Carlos’s idea, but says the “main flavor was sugar.” Gail said it needed something to cut the fattiness – “I felt like I was eating the dessert equivalent of a log of foie gras.” Danyelle says Amanda’s funnel cake was more like a funnel pretzel. Johnny says she should’ve remade them once they knew they’d been sitting out so long.

Orlando says he’s “uncertain” why his team is there. Danyelle says they didn’t think about their audience, and Gail says they weren’t practical for the environment. Chris says he thought his was very practical – Carlos rolls his eyes – but Johnny points out that it was sticky. Orlando says he wouldn’t have done anything different, but they hit the same notes about his float not being floaty. Pichet would love Matthew’s dessert in a restaurant, but not at a water park. They’re sent back to the pudding room. Matthew jokingly raises his hand. “WHAT?” Rebecca gasps. He admits they don’t know who’s going home yet, and high fives the girls. I love him.

Gail thinks neither team saw what was wrong with their desserts. Pichet says they didn’t think about their audience. He was looking forward to Carlos’ popsicle, but thought it was like “a log of butter and sugar.” Johnny says Amanda rethinking funnel cake was a great idea, but they can’t get past the bad funnel cake.

Orlando had no idea what went wrong, but his dessert wasn’t sparkling and lacked effervescence. Chris’s dessert had the most potential to be refreshing, but failed. They’ve reached a decision. Commercial.

Back. Gail tells Matthew, Sally, and Chris that they’re safe. They head back to the pudding room. In the Judges’ room, Gail tells Amanda that her dessert just didn’t measure up. She has to pack her tools and go.

Amanda says being eliminated is incredibly humbling. There’s more, but seriously. Tomorrow. Baltimore. Very, very early.

Next time: Ad Rock!!!!!! Awesome! Beastie Boys Pantry. Ravioli. Pork N Beans. Bacon. Hot! This is the first time I see Chris worried about a dish. Beer Ice Cream!