Things I Have Watched Instead of the Project Runway Finale

I have been laid out sick this weekend with the monster disgustoid cold from hell. It took hold of my system sometime around 2 p.m. on Friday, reached peak awfulness Saturday evening, and seems to just now be abating.

Just in time to go back to work. Thanks for that, universe.

So one of the things I did this weekend was watch a great deal of television. I had a number of things built up on my DVR, and this weekend I managed to whittle it down from 72% to 59% full.

I did this without touching the Project Runway finale or the Project Accessory premiere.

Part of it was because I knew that I wasn't capable of thinking clearly enough to write about the Project Runway finale. So I told myself "hey, you don't have to recap it. Maybe you just watch it once through, for the escape of it all, and then you do a 'collected thoughts' post on it once your skull has de-phlegmed itself."

And I'd hesitate with the show title highlighted, knowing the outcome and knowing it wouldn't provide any sort of escape, and then I'd scroll down and pick something else.

So I thought I'd share with you this list of all the things I watched this weekend while I was not watching the Project Runway finale:

· Happy Endings

· Community

· Parks & Recreation

· The Office (in other words, the entire NBC Thursday night lineup, except for Whitney. Take a hint, NBC)

·

Last week’s episode of Case Histories from Masterpiece Mystery. The show itself is so-so – the first episode was much better than this one – but the lead actor is magic. He’s like Jon Hamm, but with a British accent, and therefore even slightly sexier.

·

The first episode of Whitechapel, which is pretty damn good. And speaking of actors who are magic…Rupert Penry-Jones claims that he’s 7 years older than I am. The man is either a liar or he keeps a picture of himself in his attic.

· Wednesday and Friday’s episodes of One Life To Live. Also the first three or four minutes of Thursday’s episode, but only enough to establish that there was only going to be one storyline involving people I could stand to watch that day (Natalie and Roxy. I normally like Starr and Hope, but Daniella was in the scenes with them, and I refuse to acknowledge Daniella’s existence, and the Ford brothers and anyone involved with the Dead But Maybe Not Gigi storyline is just wrong) and therefore not worth the workout it would give my Fast Forward finger.

Last week’s episode of Boardwalk Empire, which I’d already watched but man, I cannot get enough Richard Harrow.

· Three episodes of Seinfeld, all of which I’d already seen, naturally.

· Parts of a few episodes of Snapped, all of which I’d already seen, naturally. It makes them an excellent backdrop for napping to.

· The Law & Order where the guy tries to kill the doctor who botches his son’s killer’s execution, and Jeremy Sisto flirts with everyone.

· Five episodes of Chuck’s Day Off from my DVR. I love Chuck’s Day Off. There are only 2 cooking shows I’ve ever DVRed for non-ironic, non-blogging purposes – Chuck’s Day Off and Bitchin’ Kitchen. I think it’s because they’re both charismatic Canadian chefs whose food looks good (and is good, in the case of the recipes I’ve tried) who have adorably weird accents and who I’d like to hang out with. And in Chuck’s case, I’d like to hang out with him naked.

· Whitechapel, again, because it’s just that good. It seemed to go more quickly the second time through. I may’ve blacked out for part of it.

· Random “true crime” stuff on Investigation Discovery. One of them involved a dude they described as “a sexy rock-n-roller with down home family values.” Awesome.

· Once Upon a Time. It’s good, but the dependence on Jennifer Morrison’s ability to be believably tough is not. At all.

This week’s Boardwalk Empire. Too much Catholicism; insufficient Richard Harrow.

·

That's A(n Eleven Time World Series) Winner!

I woke up this morning at ten a.m., because I am siiiiiiiick like death, and was checking my e-mail and saw the e-mail from the Cardinals where they encourage you to buy World Series Champion gear. And I scrolled through and thought "these World Champion shirts are not nearly as cute as the ones from 2006."

And then I thought "you spoiled, spoiled woman."

Because whining about your team's most recent World Series Champion shirt not being cute enough (and my related concern that my awesome "Got Rings?" shirt is now out of date) is just so unbelievably ungrateful.

And I am not ungrateful. I am happy like you wouldn't believe. But it's just buried right now under a pulsing sinus headache and a sore throat and a slight fever. It breaks through every once in awhile, like when I took the newspaper out of the bag this morning and saw the front page. But it's hard to process happiness when anything but being in a prone position hurts dreadfully.

I will say this: There are comebacks. And then there are improbable comebacks.

And then there are impossible comebacks, and after that there are things that only happen in the worst, most sentimental fictions.

And then there's what the 2011 Cardinals did.

In Thomas Boswell's column this morning, he speculates that for "generations in this baseball-as-secular-religion city, what the Birds did in the last 65 days of this season will be retold with amazement and, perhaps someday, almost with a hint of skepticism: Great-Grandpa might be embellishing a few details because, while some of this stuff could be true, surely all of it couldn’t. Yet it was."

Last night I got to congratulate a friend and fellow Cardinals fan on his infant son's first World Championship. I know that this kid will never have any memories of 2011, not even the vague, hazy ones I have of 1982. But I also know that it will be part of him and his story forever.

So let's get to the scores, shall we? We cleaned up pretty damn good in this round, with JCD, Tyler, Colleen and the Washington Post all getting the full 12 points for getting both the winning team and the correct number of games. JES and I each get 8 points for the right team. And Rob and FOX Sports get nothing. They leave empty handed. Just like the Texas Rangers.

Which means that the final rankings for this year are:

WaPo: 30 points
Colleen: 24 points

JCD: 24 points

Tyler: 20 points

JordanBaker: 17 points.

FOX: 16 points

Rob: 11 points

JES: 8 points

And with WaPo's win, the all time rankings look like this:

2011: Washington Post (30)

2010: Tyler (19)

2009: Beefy Muchacho (34)

2008: I-66 (18)

2007: FOX (20)

2006: JordanBaker (23)

And still we have no one who's won more than one year, and Beefy Muchacho is still the all time record holder.

But you will notice that by sheer fluke of when I started this little competition, the list is beautifully bookended by years when the Cardinals won, right?

See you next year, kids.

Congratumala -- Are you kidding? Of course I didn't watch Project Runway.

Seriously? You thought I was actually going to watch Project Runway last night? With the Cardinals playing a do or die Game 6?

Don't you know me by now?

I am chock full of sympathy for those of you who missed what -- and I say this without hyperbole -- will doubtless go down in history as one of the greatest World Series games of all time just to watch Little Miss No Sleeves win Project Runway.

I will doubtless watch at some point this weekend to see the mental gymnastics that must've been required for Kors and Nina to hand that one out. I will probably write about it, because I've come this far with this nonsense, and it would be difficult for me to not speak my piece on Lifetime's ability to drive Anya-shaped nails into the show's coffin.

But right now? I'm too happy to put myself in for that shit. And I've got bigger things to think about.

Things like...Game motherfucking Seven, baby dolls. BELIEVE.

Top Chef Just Desserts: Congratumalations Chris

Chris is the winner
Well, no one saw that coming.
(That was sarcasm)

Kids, let me tell you how indebted you are to the elements right now: if they had not postponed Game 6 for a day because of rain, if it had been played last night, you would not be reading about your little cake show right now. You would probably not be reading about your little cake show until the weekend.

And frankly, you might not be reading about your little cake show at all, because if I’d not watched and then woken up this morning and found out that Chris won, I would probably be so turned off by the anticlimax of it all that I might not have bothered.

Because really? Who didn’t see this coming? Ok, I’ve had maybe a week of thinking that they were going to let Sally win just so they could get their female winner in, but they’ve been setting Chris up as the cream of the crop since week one. Which is odd, when you look at the way the season played out, because the other two finalists had more wins than he did. In fact, Chris never had a win in an individual elimination challenge.

And yet somehow, the edit has always been setting him up as the man to beat – despite the fact that he was so often the man who got beaten. And you throw the sick baby thing in there… and there was no way they could’ve given the win to anyone else. And I’m ok with that: I would’ve much rather seen Matthew win, because he’s had more wins and shown more range and talent than Chris… and also because he’s shown more character and is more handsome and more funny….but at least Chris isn’t Sally.

So congratumalations, Chris. At least you’re not Sally.

Let’s take a look at how it happened, shall we?

Morning! Los Angeles. Dessert Loft. We are treated one final time to the delights of shirtless Matthew as he and Chris engage in some vaguely homoerotic tussling and reflect on the awesomeness of being in the final 3. Chris calls his wife and his infant with the heart defect. Sally talks about how Chris and Matthew have wives and babies, but all she has is her career and she needs to win this to validate her choices. Jesus, way to play the spinster guilt card. “Oh, woe is me – for I have given my life over to pastry, sacrificing all things. Family. Friends. An eyebrow waxer who doesn’t have some sort of grudge against me. All these things, I put aside in favor of pursuing my art.”

They head to the Dessert kitchen where they meet Gail and Johnny. Gail explains their final elimination challenge, the one that will determine which of them gets $100,000 and which of them gets to be arrested on kiddie porn charges (and way to make me feel like a tit for thinking you weren’t as bad as Bravo and that pack of screeching hyenas they had you living with would have us believe, Morgan). Each of them will create a display table with a showpiece, an entremet cake, a bread element, bon bons, and one very special thing….

As prelude to explaining said special thing, Johnny chokes up telling them about how he cooked his mother’s last birthday cake. Oh, Johnny Iuzzini. So handsome and sympathetic sometimes; so dickish and handsome others. Come here. Let me hold you and take the pain away.

Ahem. Anyway. The very special last element is that they have to make a plated dessert for the most special person in their life.

Gail introduces 3 special guests—Jacques Torres, Sebastien Cannone, and Stephane Treand -- 3 of the world’s greatest pastry chefs, who all carry the coveted M.O.F. (Meilleur Ouvrier de France) title. AND they’ll be assisting the Dessertestants today as chefs and mentors, AND joining the judges tomorrow for the final tasting.

The Dessertestants geek out briefly, and then get down to work, each pairing off with a celebrated chef. Sally thinks showpieces are her weakness. Sebastien tells her to make it simple at the base. Jacques Torres asks what the connection between Matthew’s elements is, and it’s going to be his wife and daughter. He warns Matthew to balance the sweetness. Matthew is doing items he’s never done before. Chris’s theme is “industrial.” Stephane likes the touches he’s planning.

Five hours to cook! Food flurry! Matthew says it’s weird with the three M.O.F.’s walking around because you don’t want to fuck up. Chris thinks the others “feel the weight” of the M.O.F.’s being in the kitchen, but he’s had Jacques Torres as a judge before and it doesn’t throw him off at all.

Sally’s strategy is to focus on flavor, specifically flavors she loves herself like lime and mango. She talks about how she cooks for herself, not “the common palate.” Oh, fuck you, bitch. I’m sorry – I’m bringing some personal baggage to this, clearly, because I’ve had a bitchy female pastry chef say snide things to me about my own palate. But guess what, you pretentious sows? Point A: you cook for yourself all the time, you go nowhere because you’ve got no customers. Point B: there is nothing so all fired fancy and elevated and exclusive about lime and mango. Get over yourselves.

Matthew talks about how he wants to kick Sally and Chris’s asses because he’s a restaurant chef and they’ve competed at a higher level. The M.O.F.s start working for the Cheftestants, and Jacques wants to take a picture of Sebastien doing dishes. Adorbs.

Time. Sally says she’s got a lot left to do tomorrow, when they’ll have 10 hours to finish their dishes and do the showpieces. Commercial.

Back. Next Day. The chefs head back to the kitchen, where the eliminated chefs await them. Sally eyes up Orlando because she knows he could build a showpiece, which she clearly can’t. But they pick by blind draw at first, based on guessing the numbers the eliminated chefs have been assigned.

Sally picks 7, and gets Vanarin, who I’d nearly forgotten. I was half hoping she’d be saddled with Craig again. I am not a charitable person. Matthew picks 1 and gets Megan. And Chris picks 11, one armed Rebecca. For their second chef, they get to choose. Sally picks Orlando, obviously. Matthew takes Carlos. And Chris chooses Amanda.

The chefs explain their plans to their sous chefs. Chris is worried about Rebecca not having the pastry experience, so he takes on the major components. You know, given that she made it further than 3/6 of the other sous chefs in the room, I wouldn’t worry about her skill set. You know what I might worry about? Her ONE ARMED-NESS. Sally assigns Orlando the showpiece, and makes Van her runner/sous chef. Matthew puts Megan on entremet duty and lets Carlos work on the bon bons so he can focus on the showpiece. He’s working with poured sugar because it’s outside his comfort zone. “you don’t win by doing the same shit every day,” he reminds us.

Sally’s plated dessert is based on her mom and her sister, so it’s a coffee and cashew thing for each of their preferences. Her showpiece is supposed to show femininity because she wants to show that she made it. Except…she didn’t. Orlando’s doing the whole thing. Orlando bitches about not having wanted to work for any of the remaining contestants, but having to man up and do what was required.

Chris talks and talks some more about what makes a great bon bon. Matthew is doing a key lime ganache with speculoos because his wife loves key lime pie. Sally has used the wrong insert on her entremet. She’s angry at herself for making a mistake that will cost her time.

Four hours! Then two! Wow, either I blacked out for a second or time is really flying in this episode. Chris appears to be sculpting the Starship Enterprise for his showpiece. Matthew finds Chris’s showpiece “and Orlando’s…I mean Sally’s” very impressive. Hee.

One hour. Chris says the vibe in the kitchen is the most intense it’s been all season because of what’s on the line and time is very short. The chefs move the showpieces out to the dining room. Sally frets that having a showpiece “that I worked 13 hours on” fall would suck. What about one you didn’t work on at all, Sally? What about one of those? Would it suck to have that fall? Carlos and Megan are proud of Matthew for making his own showpiece “unlike some others.” I love how they are ALL busting on Sally for foisting such a major portion of the challenge onto one of her sous.

Time. Chris thinks his showpiece and vision give him the upper hand. Commercial.

Back. The judges enter the dining room where the chefs wait with their displays. The judges are the M.O.F. advisors, the regulars, Jordan Kahn, Hasty Torres, Valerie Gordon, Jacquy Pfeiffer, and our favorite Ludo Lefebvre. (I typed those in a slightly sloshed haze last night, and woke up thinking that I’d made a million typos. I mean Hasty? Jacquy? But no. those are actually their names. Who’da thunk?)

The judges begin inspecting the showpieces. The official judging begins at Matthew, who explains how everything he’s done is something he’s not done. His entremet is a Hazelnut Dacquois, Passion Fruit Gelee, Milk Jam and Whipped Jivara. Gail finds the texture interesting and complex. His bread is a Focaccia with Olive Oil, Maldon Salt & Fresh Thyme. Danielle says it’s a real family style bread. His bon bon is Key Lime Ganache, Speculoos. Speculoos is a new word to Gail. Really Gail? Speculoos is new to you? Even I know what speculoos is. Don’t tell Sally about your ignorance – she’ll start talking shit about how common your palate is.

The judges move over to Sally, who explains the colors used in her showpiece. Johnny likes the integration of color. Sally admits that Orlando handled the showpiece for her. Her entremet is Chocolate Mousse, Mango Vanilla Cream, Caramel Cremeux, Lime, Almond Sponge. Johnny says her layers are nice and even. Her bread is a Parker House Roll with Bacon, Onions, Gruyère. Danyelle says it has all the stuff she likes in it. She finishes with her bon bon of Salted Caramel Milk Chocolate.

Finally they hit Chris's table. He explains his industrial theme. Johnny points out that his showpiece is falling apart a little. Chris says that may be, but he created it himself without help. Dayyyyyyyum, Chris. But way to go! His entremet is Chocolate Mousse, Vanilla Crémeux, Raspberry Jam. Johnny likes it. His bred is a Brioche with Bacon Maple Butter. Johnny says the condiment is more impressive than the bread, and Chris deflects with a lame joke about no one wanting just bread and water. He finally presents his bon bon: Coffee Infused Ganache, Caramel.

Gail tells the chefs to return to the kitchen and prepare their plated desserts. They have 20 minutes. Sally has to sacrifice glazing her spheres, so they look a bit unfinished.

Sally serves her plated dessert first. It’s inspired by her mom and sister, and is a White Chocolate Espresso Mousse, Chocolate Crémeux, Cashew Nougatine, Ice Cream. Danyelle raves about how it “pops open and I can’t understand how so many things are coming out.” Jordan Kahn and some other judges are unimpressed by the unfinished presentation.

Jacques Torres was impressed by Matthew’s presentation, and they like his use of color in the showpiece. He heads out to present his dessert, which is inspired by his wife and daughter. It’s a Chocolate Chip Cookie, Raspberry Mousse, Pecan Praline, Ice Cream. Holy crap, there are six million elements. Ludo loves how it’s all about play and life, but Hasty says his description made her want a chocolate chip cookie, and there isn’t one.

Jacques reflects on how he liked Chris’s bon bon. Chris’s dessert s an Almond Cake with Banana Caramel, Banana Ice Cream and Mango Sauce. It’s a variation of a dessert he did at a competition when he started dating his wife. Jacques likes it, but thinks the connection to the story isn’t there. Hubert thinks it’s a home run. Man, I wish I was watching game six.

The chefs come out and the judges clap for them and Gail says the usual things about seeing them at Judges’ Table. Commercial.

Back. Judges’ Table. The three Dessertestants file in. They begin with Matthew. Hubert thought his bon bon was a good idea. Danyelle had never heard of speculoos before (God, these people are morons. I am apparently more qualified to judge this contest than they are) and she’s happy to be introduced with him. Johnny doesn’t know why he did a sugar showpiece when he admits to being more comfortable with chocolate. Danyelle says it felt like a love letter to his wife. They found his plated dessert unfocused and confusing.

Johnny loved the flow of color throughout Sally’s presentation, but wants to know why Orlando did a lot of the work in her show piece. Sally said that’s where he’s strongest, and she uses her sous chefs for what they’re good at. Hubert compliments her entremets. Sally sighs when they bring up her plated dessert, and admits there were plating issues.

Gail found Chris’s showpiece extraordinary, but says that no one else’s fell apart. Hubert liked the fact that his plated dessert wasn’t just chocolate. Johnny says it was the only dessert he ate in its entirety.

Gail says they have a tough decision to make and will call them back. The dessertestants all file back to the pudding room and whine about how tough judges’ table was, even though it was super soft. If these guys think that was a tough judges’ table, I’m frankly amazed that they’ve survived this far.

The judges go piece by piece through the elements. They seem to think Sally won bread with Matthew second. They give Chris the edge in bon bons, but barely. It’s tied on entremets between Sally and Chris. Hubert thought Matthew’s sugar piece fell flat, and Johnny is bothered by how much help Sally had, saying it’s not “a fair measure of her ability,” but Danyelle says it was smart strategy. However, Chris’s really spoke to her. But…it was falling apart. In the plated dessert, Hubert likes Sally’s. Johnny says Chris’s was most delicious. Danyelle is also weighing Sally and Chris.

Oh, my poor Matthew is cut out entirely isn’t he? Poor Matthew. Come and cry into my bosom. Please? Please come cry into my bosom? Commercial.

Back. All the dismissed chefs are there in their civvies. Gail tells the finalists that they’ve continually exceeded expectations, and should be proud of what they’ve accomplished.

Johnny says that knowing the sacrifice Chris has made has made what he’s accomplished here even greater. Sally has proved that pastry is her life (because God forbid we not flash back to the whole OMG POOR SPINSTER HAS NOTHING BUT HER ART!!!! theme we kicked off the episode with). And Matthew has shown the love he’s put in his work.

And the winner of Top Chef, Just Desserts is… Chris. Well, Semi-yay. At least it’s not Sally. The other chefs spray him with champagne, and they toast him. He’s happy he won and proud he was with Sally and Matthew. Matthew is glad Chris won if it wasn’t him, but the experience has made him appreciate his life, his profession, and his family. And Sally is disappointed in herself because now Chris and Matthew can go back to their families and she has nothing. Wah-wah. Ok, that’s not what she says.

Chris cries some about his wife and baby, and then it’s over. Profound anticlimax. The end.

Um… so I guess we’re in Texas next week with twenty-nine cheftestants? Prepare for me to whine about this, kids. Prepare for me to whine a LOT.

Project Runway: Is That All There Is?

What a fucking waste
What a sad fucking waste
Should have watched the game.

Well, there’s an hour and a half of my life I’ll never get back.

Is anyone else pissed off about being yanked around like that? About sitting through what felt like the world’s shortest home visits, and thinking the whole time “wow, there must be something big waiting for them back in New York, some super surprising challenge or something.”

And then there wasn’t. There was just that sad little parade of schmattas, repeated threats of “only THREE of you will be going to Fashion Week! ONLY THREE! That is all! Just THREE! Which means one of you will have to be eliminated. And possibly fed to Heidi’s dogs. Because we can only have THREE! Ha ha, just kidding. Congratulations, you’re all going.”

Bullshit.And for what? Because they were all so good? Because the talent level in this group is so high that they couldn’t make up their mind?

Remember the last time they couldn’t make the cut from four down to three? It was in season 3. It was Jeffery, Laura, Uli, and Mychael.

(It was also in 2006, the last time the Cardinals were in the World Series. The weird symmetry of my diverse interests sometimes throws me for a loop)

These assholes aren’t talented enough to scrape the shit off of those designers’ shoes.

Let’s just do this. Not that I know what to say beyond “it was an hour and a half long and yet NOTHING HAPPENED.”

The designers all reconvene on the runway where Heidi congratulates them on being in the final four, and then lies to their faces and says that only 3 of them will compete at Mercedes Benz Fashion Week. But for now, they’ll head home for five weeks and spend $9000 making 10 looks that will be of no higher quality than the shit they’ve turned out in five hours while on the show.

Tim Gunn enters, his gentle spirit broken by the crapfest this show has become. He wishes them luck and tells them he’ll be coming to mercy kill them in their sleep…. I mean, to visit them while they’re working.

The designers go back to Atlas and talk and pack. Then they all head home. Viktor descends to the subway, not to go home but because he actually lives in a secret subterranean lair like all pale tortured geniuses. Anya is swept off in a taxi to resume her glamorous life as a sex tape beauty queen. And Joshua and Kimberly start walking, because the grim truth is that they’re just a pair of hobos Heidi found on the street corner, and now they have to hitchhike back to their hobo encampment and make ten looks out of your dad’s old discarded suits and strips of soda cans cut up for decoration.

Because they’re not dumb, these hobos Joshua and Kimberly. They’re not wasting that $9000 each on fabric. They’re going to use it on food; on treating all the other hobos to a HOBO FEAST, so that they can be declared king and queen of the hobos.

There’s a star-wipe or something to indicate time passing, and Tim shows up in White Plains, Maryland, which is in Charles County where my cousins live – and also, apparently, the Chupacabra. And its where Kimberly’s hobo camp is too, but for the purposes of Tim’s visit she’s borrowed a nice little house with a gorgeous studio. She tells Tim she hasn’t slept since coming home, and explains to him that her theme is “pre-gentrified Brooklyn” (and/or PG County, Maryland, if you ask me). There’s a lot of color.

Tim has dinner with her sister and her best friends, and her little niece Avery. Avery is an adorable prop child borrowed to make this episode exponentially cuter, and we’re told that she walks around the house saying “Tim Gunn! Work!” I do this sometimes myself, so I feel like Avery and I are simpatico. Maybe we can hang out next time I’m down in Chuck County. Everyone talks about how Kimberly has always been a trend setter. Kimberly talks about her mom dying when she was 17, and how she wants to make her mother proud and be an emerging African-American designer.

From here we star wipe to Trinidad, where Tim has gone to see Anya. Trinidad, with its palm trees and heat and water, must be an awkward place to be if you’re Tim Gunn and have a suit permanently grafted to your skin. They get whisked off on a speedboat, like something out of Miami Vice, and arrive at Anya’s adorable little house – suitable for the filming of sex tapes, or meetings with her brothers Yves and Will. Her brothers are glad that the show is letting people see Anya for her talent rather than just her beauty and sex tapes. Then they talk about losing their brother Pilar when he was 18, and how they’re living for him since he can’t live his dreams.

The theme of this week’s episode, apparently, is “Everyone Knows Some Dead People.”

Anya shows Tim the fabric she’s chosen, because with two weeks left to go, she hasn’t actually completed any looks or been able to draw. Tim clearly has the fact that she just learned how to sew a minute and a half ago at the front of his mind, because he gives her a stern reminder about the rules about not having help with regular construction. Commercial.

We come back with a star wipe back to New York, where Tim is clearly in his comfort zone. He heads through Christine’s secret mirror and down into Viktor’s hidden studio in the bowels of the Opera House. Or somewhere in Brooklyn. Tim loves the space and light Viktor has, but isn’t crazy about all the stairs it’s taken him to reach the secret underground lair.

Viktor’s theme is “Urban Coast.” He apparently went down to Mexico to observe his brother’s “death anniversary” (because Everyone Knows Some Dead People) and wants to make him proud.

Anyway, Tim loves a jacket that Viktor has made, but is confused b a dress. He warns Viktor not to overthink it. They then head to Viktor’s house and meet his boyfriend David, who’s kind of pale pink and adorable and very proud of Viktor.

Tim’s final visit is to Joshua up in Queens. Joshua is concealing the fact that he lives in a hobo camp by meeting Tim at a restaurant with his little sister, McKenzie, who looks like a girl Joshua – which is to say, she looks like Joshua, but with longer hair and more subtle make up. I get distracted during their meeting, because I have one earbud in so I can listen to the game on my phone (like Joey at Nana’s funeral), and at this point the Cardinals turn a very nice double play to send the game to the bottom of the sixth scoreless. But there’s some talk about how they come from a very athletic family, and we see pictures of high school Joshua running track. High school Joshua has more natural hair, and no make up, and is much hotter than present day Joshua.

Tim then goes to Joshua’s studio to see the ugliest textiles in human history. He tells Joshua that the colors look like a gimmick, and that the dresses make him want to weep. Ohhhhhh, it’s so good to see Tim back to actually saying things again after the way the producers have put the mute button on him this season. Commercial.

Back. And we’re back to New York for Fashion Week. Joshua arrives at their penthouse first, and cries on the balcony while wearing his amazing technicolored dream bolero vest. He says the view is like his mother’s spirit reaching out to him or something, because as we know, Everyone Knows Some Dead People.

Anya, Kimberly, and Viktor arrive, followed by Tim who comes and gives them a half hearted toast, this band of hobos and sex tape beauty queens and pale subterranean geniuses that he’s forced to pretend are anywhere near as good as the contestants he’s worked with in the past. He tells them to enjoy the evening because tomorrow they’ll be back to work in their new workroom.

Star wipe to tomorrow, when they arrive at 1407 Broadway and start laying out their garments and shit talking each others. Anya hates Kimberly’s colors. Viktor says Anya’s aren’t anything forward. Kimberly says Viktor’s is very Viktor, and Viktor says Joshua’s is too casual.

Tim welcomes them, and tells them they’ll be presenting 3 looks tomorrow. The models will be in tomorrow for their fittings and to go to the runway.

Tim then does a Tim thru. Joshua quakes before Viktor’s jacket. Tim tells Joshua that the 3 looks he’s selected are “a little schizo.”

Kimberly show Tim 3 million looks, and Tim tells her to center herself and show the judges the “edgy Brooklyn urbanite” she’s been so passionate about. Tim is disappointed that Anya has retreated to her comfort zone. Anya cries. Tim Gunn hugs her and leaves.

Anya cries some more, and stands with her pencil centered on her nose to show that she’s thinking. Commercial.

Back. Anya resumes crying, and vows to stay strong. They all work work work until 11:30.

Day of show. Joshua puts on his mom’s brooch to remind us that Everyone Knows Some Dead People. In the workroom, Viktor feels like his looks are complete while the others are struggling. He thinks this puts him in the lead. Tim enters and does the usual product placement stuff.

The models enter. Anya switches one from a gown into a swimsuit. They get their hair and make up done, and Viktor gets his eyes touched up once his models are finished. Anya sews last minute stitches on her look, and Kimberly is feeding the skirt of a gown into a sewing machine while the model has it on. Commercial.

Back. Heidi is wearing leather pants and a black t-shirt with a crystal skull on it to welcome them back, because Heidi Knows Some Dead People too. The judges are just Michael Kors and Nina Garcia, because why pay some starlet to show up for this farce?

We start the mini-shows with Viktor, who presents a cute purple and black cocktail dress with an overskirt of black leather strips; some ugly purple pants with a mirrored top and a tuxedo jacket, and a dramatic mullet gown with the awesome jacket over it.

Next is Anya, who’s made a brown dress in a great fabric that looks like wood; a black swimsuit with a crappy zipper and a gold coverup; and a bland gold gown.

Kimberly’s first look is ugly blue hammer pants with an ugly print top. There’s then a skirt made in magenta satin with what looks like a built in bubble ass. Her final look is a sequined black gown.

Joshua has made pink pants and an ugly jacket; a very ‘90s LBD that gives his model super poodge; and a gown with an interesting collar. I start clapping.

“What, you like that?” a friend of mine asks.

“Oh, god no,” I said. “But Craig just scored Freese and moved Punto to second, so the Cardinals are up 1-0.”

Joshua cries, because he can sense through time and space that I’m not paying attention to him. “Don’t you know my pain?” He screams. “Do I have to tell you again about the hobo camp and the dead mother and the artillerary and the catastrophic guyliner shortage in the small Midwestern town where I grew up? I've been ignored too long for baseball! I will! Not! Have it!” Commercial.

Back. The judges start their pointless critiques with Anya. Nina loves the wood dress. Heidi is surprised because she only liked the brown dress. The bathing suit was not flattering, and the gown looks done in a day. Holy smokes, don’t make this another year where Heidi is the voice of reason. I can’t cope with two in a row. Kors agrees that the gown is tortured looking, and the styling doesn’t help at all: the “shoes look like something a bad newscaster would wear.” Nina tells her to embrace what she’s good at.

Moving to Kimberly, Kors likes how she’s handled the sexiness – covered in front, but full of appeal. The styling is awful, but “has her vibe.” That is the biggest non compliment ever. “The styling is awful – it’s so you!” Nina agrees that accessorizing is an issue. Heidi doesn’t love the bubble butt skirt – she thinks it’s cartoonish and awful.

Viktor explains about how he was inspired by Knowing Some Dead People. Kors loves Viktor’s first two looks, and thinks that the tuxedo jacket is great. Heidi likes the mirrored top. Kors thinks the gown is great, but the jacket with it is too much. Heidi then tries the jacket on and steals it from the model. Kors advises Viktor to whip up some black pants and a tank to go with the jacket so that it’s showcased. Nina makes the girl in the cocktail dress take the leather panels off the skirt. Kors tells Viktor that even though they’ve been telling him to turn up the volume, he can now back off a bit.

Finally we have Joshua. Heidi likes the colorful top and jacket, but isn’t fond of the cheap touches. Kors says the collection is a roller coaster. He hates the “modesty tab” on the front of the dress, and the “Olivia Newton John’s leggings” with the gown. Nina say she has the best styling, and assures him that he’s a good designer.

The designers head back to the green room. Anya thinks the boys are in, and it’s down to her and Kimberly for the last slot.

The judges deliberate. I can’t even be bothered. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Joshua he’s in. A long ball by Pujols is caught right against the right field fence by Nelson Cruz. This is where the evening starts to go awry.

Viktor is in. He and Joshua hug, and Joshua touches Viktor’s breastbone to feel his heartbeat.

Heidi tells the two ladies they have a lot of potential, but also problems. Kimberly has styling problems, and Anya’s looks are missing something.

Kimberly… will show at fashion week. I scream with joy. And then I retract my scream of joy, because Anya is in too. They’re all showing at Fashion Week. We have just wasted the last hour and a half of our lives.

There’s a lot of hugging and giggling. Josh doesn’t think either of the girls should be going to Fashion Week, but he fakes his way through the hugging. And there’s hugging and yapping, and then the show is done. And I walk home, angry, and get even angrier when I lose my internet connection on the way home and can’t listen to the game, and even angrier when I get home and the Rangers are suddenly on top 2-1, and then win the game.

That's how quickly an evening can go downhill, kids.

Top Chef Just Desserts: Things Are Seldom What They Seem

Sweet as paella
But beets are not chorizo
Orlando, farewell

Good morning, crumpets. How are you doing this morning?

I’m super happy, thanks, having gotten to watch (most of) the Cardinals beat the Rangers in game one last night. As we all know, it’s a statistical fact that the team who’s won the first game has gone on to win the series in every year except all of the years where they haven’t.

I’m less pleased than I thought I’d be about Orlando leaving Top Chef Just Desserts, though, because of course they tried to make him a bit more likable and human in this last episode – not that that sort of thing hasn’t shown through the façade before, like when he was helping One Armed Rebecca with her candy bars and so forth. And also because I ultimately like him much better than Sally.

At the same time, though, his record’s been pretty abysmal. He’s been in the middle or the bottom a ton of times, and I’ve often felt he should’ve gone home in much earlier challenges. So it’s hard to get all worked up about his leaving in the second to last episode.

The challenge was great – there was a lot of opportunity for experimentation and innovation, and I largely think the chefs did a good job with it…except ok, I’ll admit I wasn’t fully paying attention. Because I watched the show on Bravo while listening to the World Series game on ESPN.com radio on my phone, so I was pretty distracted. If I type GO GO GO YES! or anything, that’s your explanation (weirdly, ESPN.com radio was one batter behind the FOX TV broadcast when I had both of those on. Why am I telling you this? You don’t care).

Let’s get to it, shall we?

Morning! Los Angles! Just Desserts Loft! Matthew is having Cap’n Crunch in honor of Carlos. Chris says the house seems empty without him, and pours some Cap’n Crunch out on the curb… or sink, rather…for his fallen homey. He says the normal penultimate episode stuff about this being a marathon and it being with their grasp. Sally chews with her mouth open and talks about winning being the goal. Matthew can’t believe he’s gotten this far, and talks about being picked on for being super pretty… and breaking into houses and cars. WHOA dude. But luckily, Johnson and Wales culinary school saved him and helped him find the handsome path he was supposed to be on. I love him. I love him so much.

They file out of the loft and head to the Kitchen, where they’re met by Gail and Suzanne Goin. Sally knows Suzanne is a savory chef, so wonders what the challenge could be. I have to tell you, Suzanne Goin may be an savory chef, but I made her Meyer Lemon and Chocolate Tart from the Sunday Supper at Lucques cookbook last year, and it was THE BOMB, as the kids say.

Hey, remember back in Season 2 of Original Recipe Top Chef when it was still a relatively unknown cable show, and a copy of Sunday Supper at Lucques was Frank’s prize for one of the challenges? And now… there’s all this?

Anyway, Gail tells them that they’re going straight to the final elimination – no quickfire this time. Dramatic CHA-CHUNGS and panicked glances fill the screen. And the final elimination is: to create a dessert inspired by one of the international cuisines that they roll out a tray full of flags for.

This sounds easy peasy. Surely there must be a twist coming up?

Anyway, they pull flags. Chris goes first and takes French; Orlando takes Spain; Matthew grabs Italian; and Sally decides on Cuban, since she’s worked in Miami and knows Cuban desserts.

And then Gail tells them the twist that was obviously coming: their challenge is not just to create a dessert. Oh n o no no no. Their challenge is to create a dessert that looks like an iconic savory dish from the country they chose. Sally wants to kick herself. They’ll be judged by an all star panel of savory chefs, including guest judge Cat Cora.

Food Flurry! They have 3 hours to cook. Sally is flustered. Chris can’t even think of a French dish anymore. He’s never faced anything like this before.

Matthew says it’s hard to put yourself outside the comfort zone. He’s making a take on manicotti. Yeaaaaah boy. That’s my shit. He did get the best/easiest cuisine to interpret for this challenge though, I think. So many Italian dishes could easily translate to a dessert to begin with – especially manicotti. When you think about it, there’s not a lot of difference in appearance between a manicotti and a cannoli that’s had some red syrup drizzled on it.

Orlando is thinking about great paella. He went to Spain a few years ago when his family wasn’t accepting him because he came out, and because of their cultural perception that all gays are transsexuals, they didn’t see him for who he was. Oh, pobrecito. Orlando spends a lot of this episode reminding me of one of my best friends, and making me think I’d probably like him in real life. I’m guessing if you’re just hanging out at brunch with him, he doesn’t spend quite as much time working on his villainous laugh, or stroking his small beard to suggest evil. Anyway, the trip to Spain made him realize he was still the same person, just attracted to “hot dudes walking down the street, not blonde supermodels with long eyelashes.”

Sally doesn’t know yet what she’s making, and is freaking out. So she’ll probably win the challenge. Commercial.

ONE RUN SCORES! RBI SINGLE FOR CRAIG! CARDINALS HAVE A 3-2 LEAD!!!!

Back. Johnny Iuzzini through! He talks to Chris first, who has come to the idea of making Beef Wellington. “Isn’t that English?” Johnny asks. Chris thinks it’s French. Chris is not necessarily wrong, but it’s definitely the English name for the preparation. It’s also Matthew says he feels good about the challenge, and explains his manicotti plan. He is actually using tomatoes and strawberries for the mousse/sauce on top.

Orlando tells Johnny about his “paella.” Johnny asks who he’s most threatened by, and Orlando says Chris because of his creativity. Orlando then talks about how much he’s grown based on the criticism he’s gotten from Johnny. Sally is making components for 2 things, but hasn’t finally chosen a dish yet. She’s thinking about a Cuban Sandwich. There’s only an hour and fifteen minutes left to work. Johnny is worried that she seems melancholy and doesn’t really want it. “If she doesn’t want it, she’s not gonna win it,” he says sagely and semi-alliteratively.

One hour. Sally is completely exhausted and knows she needs to make a decision. She’s going with the Cuban sandwich plan. Orlando is “cleaning fish,” aka peeling plums. He’s using beets in place of chorizo, which is the worst substitution I’ve ever heard of. Bleah. Substituting delicious sausage out and poison, horrible beets in.

We see pictures of young Chris with a 90s haircut making Beef Wellington for his parents. He talks a lot and a lot and a lot, as usual. Ball one to Napoli.

Matthew is making a very thin basil gelee to represent the basil chiffonade on top of his manicotti. He’s totally stoked on this idea. Orlando and Sally pledge to go to Cuba after this is over. 15 Minutes. Chris talks about them all being a tight knit group. “Ah, I can smell your nuts, it’s gross,” Matthew says.

Time. Back to the lofts. Sally calls her mom and tells them she misses her. She talks about how she butted heads with her mom when she was in high school, but got close to her again after following her own dreams and realizing how much her parents sacrificed for them. Commercial.

Back. Next day. Matthew makes coffee. Orlando calls his mother. “I’m always doing ok,” she tells him. He says they have a strong relationship now, and knows what it’s taken to get him this far.

Back to the kitchen with two hours to cook. Sally feels pumped this morning, and is confident in her decision to go with the Cuban Sandwich. Chris’s goal was to not use puff pastry, but he’s really short on time, and ends up using the prepared dough. Sally is shocked that he didn’t make it from scratch.

Orlando is working on making the rice and saffron for his paella by making coconut rice with saffron. Matthew is leaving the tomatoes out of his sauce to play it safe. He rolls mouse in cake and cuts grooves into his individual manicotti. I LOVE HIM. Chris unmolds his puff pastry. 30 minutes.

Sally is using strawberry caramel gel as her ham, but the artistry of the others dishes is starting to intimidate him. She decides to make plantain chips and potato salad to go with her dish. Matthew is scared shitless because he’s serving first, but his dish looks EXACTLY like manicotti. He’s serving it with Parker House rolls.

The chefs file in and Gail thanks them for joining them. It’s Matthew’s time for service. Gail introduces Michael Cimarusti, John Rivera Sedlar, Sang Yoon, Suzanne Goin, Hubert, Johnny, and Cat Cora. Matthew introduces his “Manicotti” (Crème Fraiche Cake with Mascarpone-Ricotta Mousse, Strawberry Sauce & Basil Gelée). Cat Cora thinks the look is awesome, and that the flavor is great and not too sweet. Sang Yoon appreciates the details, and Hubert likes the explosion of salt with the rolls but wonders if something is missing. Cat thinks it’s a bit “one textural.”

Chris is up next with his “Beef Wellington” (Chocolate Mousse, Raspberry Jam & Salted Caramel). Gail thinks Beef Wellington is British. Johnny says it is, but derived from a French origin. Cat loves the colors of the meat. Sedlar thinks using the pastry as a unifier between the original savory recipe and his dessert presentation was genius, and Goin likes the almond crème mashed potatoes.

Orlando presents his “Paella” (Coconut Saffron Rice, Compressed Plums & Roasted Beets). He’s intimidated and honored by Cat Cora’s presence. Gail’s not sure why the rice is broken, but Johnny likes the subtle saffron flavor. Suzanne thinks the beet doesn’t look like chorizo and doesn’t go with anything. Cimarusti applauds him for picking such an iconic dish.

Finally we get Sally’s “Cuban Sandwich with Potato Salad & Plantain Chips” (Cream Cheese Mousse, Passion Fruit Mustard and Strawberry Caramel). Sedlar says it’s the first one where he feels visually transported, but Johnny finds the cream cheese mousse a bit messy.

The chefs file back into the dining room where the diners applaud them. Gail thanks them and says they’ll see them at Judges Table. The chefs wander back to the kitchen and say reflection-y things about wishing it didn’t have to end. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. The chefs talk about how good Cat Cora looks. She’s still on my list of ladies I’d switch hit for, so no snark from this corner.

JESUS CHRIST, Bravo, 29 Chefs in Top Chef TEXAS?? THAT’S TOO MUCH. I understand the desire to make everything bigger in Texas, but have you seen how much I complain about starting out with 17 or 18? You aren’t even ready for the shitstorm of rage I will unloose when you open with 29.

Really Back. The chefs all fret in the pudding room before going in to Judges’ Table. Gail says 3 of them will move on to the finale, and Johnny congratulates them on doing a great job. Hubert says it’s one of the best challenges this season.

Johnny says that Chris’s dish really looked like Beef Wellington. He quizzes him about the premade puff pastry. Gail asks why he should be in the finale, and Chris says the flavor was phenomenal and it looked lie an entrée.

Cat Cora loved the salty little rolls with Matthew’s manicotti. Johnny asked why he backed off doing the tomatoes in his sauce, because while it was well executed, it wasn’t as creative as might have been. Gail compliments his basil gelee.

Johnny tells Orlando that he hates saffron, but liked Orlando’s use of it. Hubert dings him a bit on the broken rice. Orlando explains how he had to edit himself and Gail says “this is the one challenge where we didn’t want you to edit yourself.”

Johnny brings up Sally’s indecision the previous day and says that what she pulled off is impressive. The only bad thing they have to say is about the sloppy mousse that shot out the sides of the sandwich.

Gail sends the chefs back to the pudding room. She tells the other judges that her final impressions were really high, and Cat agrees that she was wowed. They all think Chris did a great job in terms of presentation, but they’re disappointed about the puff pastry.

Johnny thinks Matthew didn’t go out on a limb at all, and Cat agrees that he may’ve played it safe. Gail thinks Orlando’s combination of flavor was beautiful, but Johnny thinks his final touches didn’t work out. They think Sally’s sandwich was “not perfect, but fascinating.” They hang up on the mousse again. Gail says that the beauty of the challenge is that it forced the chefs to go to a place they didn’t know they could.

They call the chefs back, and Cat announces that the winner of this challenge is… Sally. Boooo. She’s happy to have finally won a challenge. Matthew gently and handsomely says “I knew it was you” and hugs her. Oh, god, I bet his hugs are so good. I bet they’re like wearing a Snuggie made of cotton candy and dreams.

Ahhhh…where was I? Oh yeah. Gail congratulates Chris, who has also made it through to the finale.

So it’s down to Matthew and Orlando. One of them will go on to the finale, and one of them will go home. Commercial.

Back. Johnny tells Matthew that his aesthetics were spot on, but the flavors were less than creative. Orlando’s flavors were delicate, but his presentation was sloppy and his texture was mushy.

Gail tells Orlando that she’s sorry, but his dessert didn’t measure up. He’s crushed. He feels like he’s disappointed himself, even though he should be proud he’s made it this far. He says Top Chef has humbled him and shown him that other opinions matter.

The three remaining chefs hug and shake hands. “I have a 33% chance of winning $100,000!” Matthew reminds us. He’s handsome and he does fractions. How can you not love that?

Next time! Oh my gosh. The vibe in the kitchen is the most intense it’s been all season. Out come the greatest pastry chefs in the whole freaking world. Coming right down to the wire. This is pretty meticulous work. One of you is the winner of Top Chef Just Desserts.

Oh, and the Cardinals beat the Rangers 3-2. I know that those of you who come here for pastries and fashion are not the same people who come here for baseball, but since you had to deal with the interruptions, I thought you might at least want to know the outcome. Or maybe I'm trying to broaden your horizons a little. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Fearless and Fairly Amped and/or Anxious

So this morning, I overslept in a big way -- the kind of way you can only oversleep when there's rain coming down outside and a velveteen pillow stuffed with lavender hulls under your neck and a cat gently licking your face (it's very soothing, unlike the times she gently licks my armpits. That freaks me the fuck out and sends me leaping out of bed like a shot. She needs to learn the difference if she expects to get her kibble in a timely manner).

And then when I did finally stumble out of bed, I had to sit through six or seven different Ken Rosenthal World Series preview videos without finding the one where he makes any sort of concrete Team in Games prediction. And I haaaaaaate Ken Rosenthal. Watching him is torture.

So that is all by way of saying: this will be brief, and the FOX prediction will be based on Kevin Kennedy and some dude from "What If Sports," both of whom conveniently say the same thing. If I stumble across Rosenthal's dwarfish ass saying anything concrete sometime today, I may update.

But seriously, you all know where you are. You all know what I'm going to say, right?

You want I should give you some logic? You want I should give you some statistics? Tough shit. I'm tired, and it's grey and miserable outside, and on top of my existing tension (because as much as I love, love, LOVE the Cardinals being in the postseason, it does turn me into a quaking ball of anxiety broken only brief, ecstatic moments of relief every time they win a game or clinch a series) I'm faced with yet another day when there's no way I'll be able to get my hair straight.

So no logic. No statistics. You want reasons? Here are 3:

1. Narrative. Scroll down and read the NLCS wrap up post if you want to hear more about that.

2. Momentum. You all know how much I believe in that one.

3. Faith.

And one statistic that's not really a statistic at all: I've been right about everything about the Cardinals, down to the letter this season. I've been wrong about everything else -- every series, every team. One of those things will continue to be true. (Possible flipside: I was wrong about the Rangers in every series except the World Series last year. To date, the same is true this year)

Jordan Says: Cardinals in 6

FOX* Says: Rangers in 7

WaPO Says: Cardinals in 7

Remember, kids: points double again this round, so there's a possible 8 points for the right team and 4 for the correct number of games. Never too late to join or rejoin; leave your predictions in the comments.

From Wild Cards to the World Series

You know how I've often said that one of my favorite things about baseball in general and the postseason in particular is the narrative? The ever present possibility that a story could be written in which a long-time manager wins in his last season, a curse is reversed, a team that's only existed for four years defeats the Yankees with a bloop single on the last out of the last inning of the last game?

(Yeah, that one was particularly sweet)

My love of the narrative of baseball has made me root for the Braves in the hopes that Bobby Cox could cap his farewell season with a title, and for the Dodgers in the hopes of seeing Torre stick it to the Yankees for the way they ended their relationship. It's given me an improbable and durable affection for teams like the (Devil) Rays, and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, or whatever they're calling themselves this season. And it was a potent enough antidote to make even 2004 -- even every impossible, insane, amazing, awful thing that happened in 2004 -- easier to digest (until I realized that it had started the process of stripping the Red Sox' fans of the veneer of loserdom that made them lovable, and turned them into a raving pack of douchebags. Now I delight in their pain).

So even if it wasn't my team doing it -- even if it wasn't the team I've rooted for, agonized over, sworn at and rejoiced with for my entire life. . .

. . . the story the Cardinals have written with the way they've played the last two months? The entire, impossible, insane, amazing story of coming from behind, of basically sneaking their way into the postseason and then taking out the 102 win Phillies, and then the team that beat them in their Division?

The story with the squirrels, and the Happy Flights, and the possibility of winning #11 in 2011, and Chris Carpenter going 9 innings for a one run win in the Division Series, and shutting Nyjer Morgan's damn fool mouth, and David Em-Effing Freese?

That, my friends, is one hell of a narrative, whether it's your team doing it or not.

Now to business: whether it was just to curry favor with me, or if you are actually all just this smart, only Tyler and Rob picked the Brewers to win the NLCS. So 0 points to them. FOX and JCD both picked the Cardinals in 7, so they get 4 points for the right team, but the wrong number of games. And the Washington Post, Colleen, and myself all get the full 6 points for saying Cardinals in 6 and getting the whole thing right.

So the standings after the League Championship Series is as follows:

WaPo: 18

FOX: 16

Colleen: 12
JCD: 12

Rob: 11
JordanBaker: 9

Tyler: 4

C S: 0

See you back here on Wednesday for the World Series picks!

That story

Ranger Vu All Over Again

That creepy horse, guys. That creepy, creepy horse.

His creepiness keeps me from having coherent thoughts about the ALCS. This is all I've come up with:

Does anyone else find it amusing that at the same time Moneyball (which is an excellent flick, by the way) is cleaning up in theatres, Ron Washington -- one of the biggest doubters of the Moneyball system, who is portrayed in the book as some sort of grim old fuddy duddy who can't see the wisdom of Beane's strategies-- is on his way to the World Series for the second year in a row?

That's my only thought. Here are the current rankings at the end of the ALCS:

FOX: 12

WaPo: 12
Rob: 11
JCD: 8
Colleen: 6

Tyler: 4
JordanBaker: 3

C S: 0

Project Runway: Islands in the Stream

A priv’leged background
Is no substitute for taste
Good riddance, Laura.

I say this entirely without hyperbole: this is the worst season of Project Runway ever.

The talent in this group is at a catastrophically low level. None of these assholes would’ve made it past week 5 in any previous season. Possible exceptions: Viktor, who is skilled, and Anya, because Uli made it ridiculously far, so clearly they have infinite patience for women who make the same dress every week.

I have lost all patience with this show.

The only good thing I have to say about this week’s episode is that at least we don’t have to listen to Laura’s squeaky little voice again. Thank god. But even that…. Yeah, her clothes are awful, and her persona is working my last nerve. But that’s true of almost all of these losers. She’s really not that much more offensive than the rest of them; just a little dumber.

Let’s just do this, shall we?

Morning. New York. Atlas Apartments. Joshua and Victor sit around in the guys’ apartment trash talking Anya. Joshua says his sewing skills are impeccable. In the girls’ room, Kimberly mock-interviews Anya, who feels a lot of pressure after winning again.

Runway. Heidi hallows them, and welcomes to the final challenge. She says they need to “get out of the city a little bit.” So a ferry will be taking them over to Governors Island, where Tim will meet them.

They hop on board the ferry which whisks them across to Governors Island, and reflect on their experiences during the trip. I do not capture any of these reflections, however, as I am too focused on Joshua’s eye-searing wardrobe combination of some sort of ugly ass floral shorts and combat boots. It’s the visual equivalent of being curb kicked by an acid trip. (also -- SHEEEE-it, Kimberly is tall)

Anyway, they reach Governors Island where they are greeted by Tim, Leslie Koch, who is president of the Trust for Governors Island, and John Stern, president of the Storm King Arts Center. And blah blah blah, they’re supposed to be inspired by the island. They’ll need to make 3 looks that show range – so no making 3 pantsuits or sleeveless halter top sundresses, Anya. They’ll have a golf cart so they can tour the island, and then at MOOD they’ll have $500 and 45 minutes. And it’s a 2 day challenge.

So the designers zip around the island taking pictures of sculpture. Kimberly is inspired by a piece called “New Beginnings.” Joshua is more struck by the “artilerary” [sic, needless to say] because he has a brother in the military. Viktor likes the silhouettes of the city in the background. Anya is inspired by being in a new place, and Laura just yelps something incomprehensible in her Pomeranian voice as her cart cruises past.

They head to MOOD, where Kimberly is looking for a cantaloupe colored wool, which is unavailable – probably due to the cantaloupe recall. Can cantaloupe colored wool give you listeria? Laura buys lots of black and white patterns, and picks up close to $700 of fabric, so she has to pare down. “Laura thought I said five thousand dollars,” Tim says drily.

Back at Parsons, Kimberly realizes the orange wool she got was brighter and more orange than she wanted. And then Tim enters with the black velvet bag of doooooom. Commercial.

“They’re going to get help from old people,” one of my friends predicts.

“Like the elderly?” I ask, thinking that might make an interesting twist. Here is a seamstress with decades of experience to help you! She also has crippling palsy and dementia, so keep a close eye on her. Bonus: there is probably butterscotch candy in her purse.

“No, idiot. Past contestants,” he clarifies. Booooooo-ring. Bring on the elderly, Lifetime!

Back. Tim Gunn tells them he thought they could benefit from some help. Sure enough, it is “old people” – not the elderly (except for Bert, badum –bum) – but past contestants: Bert, Bryce, Anthony, Becky, and Obergrupen.

Tim draws the designers’ names out of the bag and they pick their assistants. Kimberly takes Becky, who is relieved because she didn’t want to work with any of the others. Viktor picks Omaha. Laura takes Anthony Ryan, shocked that he’s still available halfway through the draw. Anya picks Bert, who says “Hallelujah!” at getting her and not Joshua. Anya tells us that Bert is someone she’s come to enjoy. This leaves Joshua with Bryce.

Work work work. Bryce is shocked at all the bitterness in the final five, and that no one is lovin’ each other anymore. He helps Joshua edit out some of his flashiness. Bert likes Anya, and thinks she’s “a lovely, lovely person,” and the most talented one left. Viktor feels like Oleo is doubting him.

Anya tells Laura that Joshua is acting strange. Joshua is still apparently pissed about Anya winning $20,000 in the previous challenge. Commercial.

Back. Bert is thrown by Anya’s designs, which are complex like “origami,” but aren’t designed in such a way to reflect the realities of construction. Joshua frets about it being so difficult to work with plastic. Kimberly reflects that the more plastic Josh throws on, the better her chances for advancing get.

Tim thru! Laura explains her circle inspiration. Tim tells her the “stencil is such a big novelty item” that it’s a lot to use in all 3 looks. He inspects Kimberly’s station, where she is making a nice coat and a top with a keyhole that looks like something she picked up in P.G. County, possibly at the Beltway Plaza mall, maybe at the store I compared to the fictional “Dazzles” Selma Blair made up last season. Anyway, Tim questions her colors and calls one dress “statue of liberty.”

He thinks Viktor’s clothes feel very organic and very “you,” and tells Joshua “you are a risk taker. Take some risks.” He advises Anya to “keep your eye on all of the moving pieces.”

Their models enter. Anya basically has one of hers in a burqua, one of those very hard core ones where you don’t even get a slit for the eyes. Kimberly’s pants are rendered assless chaps once they’re on her model.

The models leave. Joshua shit talks Anya. Bryce tells him to focus. Kimberly is grateful for Becky. Viktor wonders if Anya even knows how to make a sleeve. It’s a legitimate question, as she’s made exactly one sleeve all season.

Laura floats by the camera again and chirps something frantic in her whiny parakeet voice, but I’m distracted by her weird caftan outfit. “It’s like Miss Havisham meets The Golden Girls,” I say. “Meets Wonder Woman,” adds one of my friends. “Meets Princess Leia,” says another. “Meets Michale Salahi,” says a third. Laura, perhaps sensing our criticism across time and space, cries. Commercial.

Back. Day of runway. Kimberly scraps her pants. There’s some sewing, and then Tim pops in to say they have two hours for their usual product placement nonsense.

Sewing sewing sewing. Viktor says he and Josh should be in the finale with one of the three girls. Laura’s prints aren’t lining up. Bryce is waiting for Joshua to instruct him in “the studding process.” (thatswhatshesaid….or he said).

There’s the usual hair and make-up flurry, then they come back to the work room to trash each other some more. Laura thinks two of Kimberly’s garments look like they have goiters. Joshua sees potential from Laura’s looks, but not Anya’s. He thinks he and Viktor are a lock for the top 3.

Tim calls time. Anya has issues with getting her ivory dress on her model – it starts out inside out and backwards. Commercial.

Lifetime airs an ad for some show about a town without women. It elicits wild cheering from all the homosexuals I’m watching the show with, indicating once again that Lifetime has grossly misunderstood the audience for Project Runway. And everything else about the show.

Back. Heidi Hallos them and reminds them that this show will determine who will create collections and compete at fashion week. One….or more… of them will be out. The judges are Kors, Nina, and Zoe Saldana.

The show opens with Joshua’s collection. His first look is a very nineties looking white dress with a sheer black panel at the shoulders. Then there are his separates….about which I have written merely “HIDDY fat looking trailer girl.” Check out the evidence for yourself at left. He closes with what my notes call a “cray cray silver toga.”

Kimberly’s first look is a cute red coat with a grey scarf. Then there is a PG county hoochie shirt with a silver skirt, and a silver cocktail dress with a cracked out pocket/growth on the side.

Laura has made a white skirt (right)with some sort of cuckoo bananas circle blazer. .. look, we recently found some old pictures of Easter 1990, where I have my fe-mullet pulled back to go to mass, and am wearing a suit of my mom’s that consisted of a poly-blend blazer and knee length culottes. Laura’s blazer looks on her model like that blazer looked on me – like the poor kid is stuck wearing something out of her mom’s closet in 1990. Anyway, there’s also a super boring slip dress, and a gown covered in circles that has the potential to be magnificent were it made by someone with construction skills, and out of fabric that cost any money whatsoever, but neither of these things are true and it looks like ass.

Anya’s collection opens with a very Bert-looking cocktail dress (left). Then there are some rust pajamas – sleeveless, of course. She finishes with a white gown that’s great in the idea, but not in the construction.

Finally we have Viktor, who starts with a skinny pant paired with a pirate jacket. There’s an office-y looking but cute top and skirt, and a lovely strapless black cocktail – well, I think it’s lovely. One of my friends thinks it gives her a “pointy fupa.”

Heidi makes her usual bland pronouncements, and then we go to commercial.

Back. Joshua explains his shitty work, and Kors tells him that his designs share a huge amount of diversity – “maybe too much.” Zoe Saldana likes the concept of the white dress, but hates the gown. Heidi likes the gown, but thinks the fabric looks inexpensive. Kors tells Joshua he’s a bit of a magpie.

Zoe Saldana loves Kimberly’s PG county top, and likes her coat. “All in all, wow,” she says. Kors tells her that the brocade dress is the strongest, but that the coat looks as though it’s made of an orange paper towel, and that the overall effect is “disco Halloween.” I would totally go to disco Halloween, btw. Heidi says her looks are like 3 different girls “a hot girl here, an exchange student from Holland, and a crazy girl partying in Las Vegas.”

Laura says something in her squirrel voice and then cries. Heidi says her gown has a lot of potential, but the slip dress doesn’t go with the other two. Nina says that she likes the lattice work, but the third look doesn’t fit. Zoe Saldana says there’s an ‘80s quality to the clothes that she digs, but the slip dress looks like a pillow case, and Kors says the jacket is momish.

They all rave about Anya. I’m not even bothering.

Finally we get to Viktor. Heidi is amazed by what he can do, but says he doesn’t show enough ideas. Nina loves it but agrees that he needs to turn up the volume. And Kors agrees, but adds that his collection is the most commercially viable.

Then we do the bullshit about why you should go to Fashion Week and which 2 competitors should go with you. Joshua says with time, he can bring something really great. He thinks Viktor and Anya should go. Kimberly says she can change the face of fashion, and Anya and Laura should go. Anya knows her POV is solid and unique. She would take Joshua and Viktor. Laura whines something high pitched and then cries. She’d take Viktor and Anya. And Viktor says something about coming from an immigrant family of sample makers. He’d take Joshua and Anya.

There’s deliberation next, but there’s no reason to pay any attention to it at this point. Instead, please consider the following analogy:

Viktor : Mondo :: Webster : Arnold

We come back from the final commercial. There’s the usual blah blah blah, but Anya, Viktor, and Joshua are in.

Laura and Kimberly are told that one of them will make a collection and one won’t. Laura is technically strong but needs to think about range. Kimberly tried to do her thing and it didn’t pay off.

But Laura is out. Yay. Kimberly is in and sobs with relief.

Laura cries a lot about how she saw herself in the final 3, and thinks her POV is what women want. No. Sorry. Bye, Laura.

Tim congratulates the final 4, and then we cut to After the Runway without seeing the previews for next week. I can’t be bothered with After the Runway. Sorry.