Top Chef: Happiness at the Misfortune of Heather? That IS German!

Get lost, Heather
Your beef tasted like Bigfoot
And you were a dick.

She’s gone, my little partridges in pear trees! That loathsome woman is gone! It’s a Festivus Miracle!

I don’t remember the last time I was so pleased and surprised by a Top Chef outcome. For one thing, I was positive – POSITIVE – that Grayson was going home. I had typed “Padma tells….” and my finger was hovering above the “G” key. And I couldn’t have called that a poor choice either – it sounded like there were some serious problems with her dish.

But THEN. THEN, my Lords a Leaping! She said “Heather” instead, and a beam of light shone down from the heavens, and the angel choir started singing, and that weird, angry toadlike blight was removed from our TV forever! Or (spoiler alert!) at least until the reunion.

Either way, Ladies Dancing, it felt like a big, wet, under the mistletoe kiss from the Bravo Elves right to us. And now we can go back to being slightly irritated at Beverly’s weepiness instead of feeling bad for her because Heather and her six million metric tons of rage is looming at her around every corner.

At the same time, I’m a bit concerned. As rob pointed out in last week’s comments, the show chugs along better when there’s a villain. And now that pulsating rage monkey Heather has gone, who will fill that row? Chris J. and his Evil Ponytail of Evil? Lindsay and her strange ability to be invisible for all except 7 seconds per episode? Chris C. and his Horrible Handsomeness?

Not Ed and his jaw tic, universe, please. Not Ed and not Ty-lör with his sinister moustache and even more sinister umlaut. And surely not Paul, even though we now know he used to be a pot dealer with dogs that pooped everywhere. And surely not sweet Midwestern Grayson. Don’t make them evil, universe. I quite like all of them.

Anyway. The challenge itself was…meh. When you think back to something like the All Star Seasons’s Ellis Island challenge, and see the potential an inspiration/homage challenge has to produce great things both in terms of emotional television and in terms of really fucking kickass food, it was a bit of a letdown. Patti LaBelle was pretty hilarious, though, which I wouldn’t necessarily have expected.

Let’s see how it went, shall we?

We open where we left off, still in the kitchen at the Lonesome Dove. Beverly thinks that Heather crossed the line and misinterpreted her humbleness as weakness. Padma glides into the room in the same bizarre getup she had on last week, and tells them to pack their bags because they’re going to Austin.

Sarah is excited because Austin is a really fun city. Conversely, Paul feels pressure because it’s his city.

Back at the cheftel, they pack up and hit the road in their product placement vehicles for some more moving/enforced togetherness time. Ed and Ponytail Chris ask Heather about her type of dude. Grayson tells us that Handsome Chris’s nickname is “Malibu” because he’s so pretty. Ty-lör looks unimpressed with their dull, heteronormative conversation.

The chefs hit Austin and move into the Driskill Hotel, which looks pretty fucking badass. And they apparently give your pet a souvenir pet toy if you bring them! This is almost enough to make me want to go to Texas, except not at all.

The chefs speculate about what awaits them in Austin. “Me as a guest judge,” Paul jokes. Then he tells us about how he used to sell drugs and decided to go to culinary school once after he woke up and his house was a mess and his dogs had shit everywhere. Wait…what? Think about all the “hard life led me to cooking” stories we’ve heard over the years, Maids a Milking. All the “I was running with a bad crowd, getting in trouble.” All the “I would be dead on the streets now if cooking hadn’t saved me.” Have any of them ever – EVER – referenced waking up to a scene of chaos and dog shit as a primary motivation?

This only makes me love Paul more, though. Dog shit has probably turned around more lives than we’ll ever know – at least he’s honest about it.

They scuttle off to the Cordon Bleu kitchen in Austin, and head to the kitchen for the quickfire. There, Padma and Tom await them. This quickfire is based on suggestions from Twitter followers – Tom has tweeted out a request for ideas and ingredients, and he and Padma will choose their favorites for the chefs to work with. I remember seeing this on Twitter this summer! I did not participate. The winning chef takes home $10,000 but not immunity.

The first task the Twitter gods give them is to cook a dish with bacon. The Twitter gods are benevolent and generous gods, I guess, because that’s a big ole’ softball. The chefs run around making their bacon dish, and Tom tweets a request for “twists” to the fans.

Beverly is cooking bacon in a pressure cooker, which she hasn’t used before. Ponytail Chris is keeping his dish flexible because he expects twists. And he’s right to do so -- the first one that the Twitter gods bestow on them is to do a “hash” for a hashtag challenge. They have to incorporate a hash element with 28 minutes left to go.

Grayson is “very German” so she thinks on her feet and makes potato pancakes. The Twitter gods decree a second twist: pick any pantry ingredient and give it to someone else to use in their dish. Handsome Chris gives Lindsay Sriracha so she gives him Maple syrup. Ponytail Chris and Beverly trade lemon for butter. Lindsay rags on Handsome Chris about not even opening the Sriracha for her. Ty-lör gives Ed Sriracha and Ed gives Ty-lör a scallion. Grayson is pureeing a tomatillo that someone gave her to use as a sauce. Time! Commercial.

Back. Tom and Padma begin tasting the dishes with Beverly’s Crispy Pork Belly with Corn, Bell Pepper, Habanero, and Potato Hash. Next is Chris J’s Corn Pure [sic, Bravo Interns] with Bacon, Potato Hash and Seared Scallop. Tom finds it salty. Heather has made Smoked Paprika Quail with Bacon Jam and Leek Hash. Ed’s is Potato Hash with Bacon and Soft Shell Crab Deglazed in Sriracha.

Sarah has made a Burrata Stuffed Squash Blossom with Bacon and Zucchini Hash. Yum. Chris C.’s is Bacon-Wrapped Monkfish with Potato, Leek, and Bacon Hash. Tom thinks the maple syrup works really well. Grayson’s dish is Shrimp Puff with Crispy Bacon Hash Cake, but apparently it’s insufficiently puffy. Ty-lör has made Maple-Glazed Bacon with Bacon and Kale Hash. Pauls’ is Bacon Fat, Crispy Bacon, Blackberries, Chorizo and Mushroom Hash. Padma says it’s “very interesting.”

Tom says the food was pretty exciting. His least favorites were Grayson’s “wet mousse” of shrimp, Chris J.’s salty dish, and Ed’s bitter dish.

The standouts were Beverly, whose was subtle and good. Sarah’s was also subtle and nicely fried. Paul made a really unusual dish that worked. And the winner is… Paul! Yayyyy! Now he doesn’t have to sell drugs and have his dogs crap on things anymore (seriously, what?). This also means he’s won $30,000 so far in the competition. Tom says he should take the others for drinks sometime soon.

Back at the Hotel Driskill, they all sit in the bar, awkwardly facing in one direction with girls on one couch and boys on another, having drinks. The piano player asks them to welcome “legendary music icon, Miss Patti LaBelle.” In a weird cosmic coincidence, Swans a Swimming, Patti LaBelle was the first “across” answer in my crossword puzzle yesterday.

Patti LaBelle then sings “Lady Marmalade” for them, as Patti LaBelle presumably does when she wanders into random bars in Austin hotels. She doesn’t do that great a job of it, by the way. I mean she does better than I would, but I’m not claiming to be Patti LaBelle.

Padma walks in to ruin everything (as she is wont to do) and remind us that Patti LaBelle has written a cookbook (and has a line of sauces and marinades, apparently), and therefore is totally qualified to judge this challenge and not a weird and random choice as you might assume. Their elimination challenge is to make a dish that represents the person who was their culinary inspiration, since Patti LaBelle was inspired by her family members. Sarah cries even talking about how her grandparents taught her how to cook, because they’re getting older and won’t be around forever. This doesn’t resonate uncomfortably close with me or anything, I promise.

They’ll have two hours to cook tomorrow night before serving the judges, Patti LaBelle and her friends.

At Whole Foods, they get 30 minutes to shop. Heather learned how to cook from her mom and is making beef stroganoff as a tribute to her one-pot meals. Ponytail Chris is doing a tribute to his grandmother’s steak dinners. Grayson wants to grill as a tribute to her dad, but is worried because all the ribeye is really lean. The chefs head out. Commercial.

Back. The next morning. Everyone wakes up. Beverly chokes up about being away from her husband and son, and being bullied by Heather. The two Chrises talk about how awesome Patti LaBelle was in a way that seems totally natural and not at all staged, and then Handsome Chris tells Ponytail Chris that “crack kills,” because his pants are creeping down. Ed is making a vegetarian dish in tribute to his grandmother, even though he doesn’t usually cook vegetarian. “I got balls, and I’m gonna show ‘em,” he tells Ty-lör. I love the two of them, and I love them as friends. I hope they’re both around for awhile.

Two hours to cook. Food flurry. Paul is also being inspired by his grandmother, and is making adobo in tribute to her, but making it with quail. Handsome Chris is doing an homage (not Amish, Grayson) to fishing trips with his uncle. Beverly wouldn’t be a chef if not for her mother, so she’s making Korean braised short ribs. She’s pressure cooking them since it worked so well in the quickfire. Sarah is making stuffed cabbage with sausage as a tribute to her grandmother.

Heather’s beef is spongy, but she’s hesitant to use the pressure cooker. She goes to braise them to try and rescue it.

The diners and judges enter. The chefs plate. One of Patti LaBelle’s friends is wearing an AMAZING dress. I totally want it. Emeril tells us about his mom’s Portuguese Kale soup with chorizo. Sounds delicious.

The first dishes come out. Padma introduces Pati labelle’s friends Nadine and John, and the judges, Patti, Tom, and Emeril. Nadine! I love your dress! Call me and tell me who made it, ‘kay?

Chris introduces his Lemon-Pepper Steak with Baked Potato and Vegetable inspired by his “Mommy 2,” his grandmother. Sarah talks about her mom and introduces her Beef Stroganoff with Herb Spaetzle and Roasted Wild Mushrooms.

The diners dig in. Emeril likes Chris’s idea, but doesn’t know about using A-1 in the demi glace. I think it’s totally appropriate since it’s a tribute to the way his grandmother served it, and if I know my greatest generation-ers (and I do!) they love them some A-1 steak sauce. To me, it seems like a nice nod to her. Anyway, Patti LaBelle says the veg is excellent.

On Heather’s plate, Emeril doesn’t know what the meat used in the dish is. “It’s Bigfoot,” Patti LaBelle replies, totally deadpan. OMG, Patti LaBelle is HILARIOUS, guys. Emeril likens the dish to something served “at a banquet at one of those hotels you would drag me to.” “I don’t even want to know that story,” Padma the killjoy tells him sternly.

In the kitchen, Sarah and Paul plate and Sarah worries about her presentation. Paul presents his Quail Adobo and Ginger Rice with Green Mango Salsa, and Sarah explains her Pork Sausage Stuffed Cabbage and Spinach with Browned Butter. Tom thinks Sarah did a great job and has light, creamy flavors. Patti LaBelle likes the sweetness of the brown butter. Tom also really enjoys what Paul did, and Patti loves it despite not being a “quail girl.” Emeril asks her what she’s going to make when he and Tom come for dinner. “Fried chicken and cabbage, and macaroni with eight cheeses and lobster and shrimp.” Holy shit, Patti LaBelle’s macaroni and cheese sounds epic! Let’s ditch the rest of these wankers and go eat at her house, and then Nadine and I can go out shopping. Or maybe we should do that before Patti LaBelle’s mac ‘n’ cheese, so we don’t feel fat while we’re trying things on.

A bit of albumin comes out of Handsome Chris’s salmon. Beverly’s pleased that her dish has Korean taste without being “straight up Korean.” She introduces her Korean Braised Short Rib with Edamame Scallion Puree and Hon Shimeji Mushrooms, (holy yum bloody yum time -- I want that in my belly NOW), and Chris explains his Sockeye Salmon with Confit Potato and Brown Sugar Carrot Puree.

The table is divided on Chris’s carrot puree, but no one really likes the fish. They all fall silent with Beverly’s short ribs though, which to me is the biggest compliment you can give a dish. “What else can you ask for in a dish?” Tom asks.

Ed and Lindsay are out next. Lindsay has paid tribute to her Greek and Southern grandmothers with Trout Spanakopita with Crispy Leeks and Rainbow Trout Roe, and Ed has saluted his with “Modern Bibimbap with Lemon-Chili Sauce.” Emeril loves the crispiness of the trout and loves the roe, but thinks there’s too much butter. He thinks Ed’s dish played right into the story of his grandmother, and loved it.

Grayson is worried about her portion size – huge—compared to Ty’s. She tells the judges about eating meat and potatoes and presents her Grilled Rib Eye Steak with German Potato Salad and Grilled Vegetables. Ty-lör talks about his inspiration being his Japanese nanny, and introduces his Duck Fat-Fried Chicken Tender with Pickled Peaches. I love the sound of that dish, and I love that Ty-lör’s story is different from the barrage of moms and grandmothers we’ve been hearing about. Everyone else is all “ooh, family family family,” and he’s like “Japanese Nanny, yo. BOOM.” And I also want to hear more about Ty-lör’s upbringing now.

Anyway, Patti LaBelle thinks Ty-lör’s chicken tenders are beautiful, and Tom thinks his nanny would be proud. Patti LaBelle’s friends think Grayson’s meat was stringy and gristly.

The judges talk about how great the stories were, and how the chefs that did best were the ones who modernized the dishes and brought them to life. Commercial.

Fakeback. Ponytail Chris makes them do a cheesy toast to everyone who inspired their dishes. Blah, blah, blah. And we go back to some more Healthy Choice and War Horse commercials.

Really back. The chefs all talk about how awesome and beautiful Patti LaBelle is. Padma then enters and calls in Grayson, Heather, and Chris. Oooh, soopah twist – bottom group first.

They enter the dining room, and are greeted by stern faces. Padma tells them that they disappointed Patti LaBelle and dishonored the people they were trying to pay tribute to. For this they must die... or at least be subjected to the usual grilling from the judges.

Emeril tells Grayson her beef wasn’t trimmed, and he expected more from her. Padma says it was sinewy and sponge-y. Tom asks why she didn’t go in a more modern direction, and she says she took the challenge really literally.

Tom tells Chris his salmon was seared too hard and too fast. Emeril says the dill really overpowered what he was trying to do. Patti LaBelle assures him that she loved the potatoes, but the salmon “didn’t flip me.”

Padma says Heather’s dumplings were “dry and chewy and overcooked.” Patti LaBelle says she thought she had Bigfoot on her plate again. Tom says he doesn’t even know what she did to the meat. She explains about being afraid to use the pressure cooker because of the way it flopped on her last week, and he points out that Beverly – you know, the Beverly you spent an entire night last week ragging on for not having self confidence? That Beverly? – wasn’t afraid to use the pressure cooker, and she’s not in the bottom.

In fact, she’s in the top, as we learn when the losers file back to the kitchen and summon Beverly, Sarah, and Ed. They are the favorites. Tom and Patti LaBelle compliment them. Padma points out that Ed is on a bit of a roll. Tom says Beverly’s presentation was quite beautiful and everything on the dish had a purpose. Emeril was impressed with Sarah’s technique, and that she made her own sausage.

Tom says all three hit their mark and were memorable. And Patti LaBelle announces that the winner is…Sarah! She freaks out in a very cute way. Padma tells them to head back to the kitchen. Sarah is happy that her grandparents will have definite bragging rights with their friends.

The judges run through the bottom dishes again. Heather clearly knew she messed up her “gristly, greasy piece of ribeye.” The “white parts leeching out” of Chris’s salmon were unappetizing. And Grayson’s plate suffered from a lack of imagination. Commercial.

Back. The bottom 3 face the judges again. Tom tells Chris that his dish had a lot of mistakes and didn’t work. Grayson needs to be pushing more at this stage of the competition. Heather should’ve reworked her original plan.

Padma tells…Heather to pack her knives and go. And seven million angels smiled. She’s upset to go home for a dish she made for her mom. Beverly says that Heather reaped her own karma in going home for her own mistakes after trying to blame everything on others before, and admits that there’s personal satisfaction in that. Heather interviews about this being the most rewarding experience of her career.

Next time! Oh, we got a fire! This is a monster of a barbecue! You’re gonna love it! It’s gonna be like sex in your mouth. Ambulances! I would’ve pushed through it. What is she, dead? It’s so salty it’s really inedible.

And over in the Last Chance Kitchen…Heather laughs like a ninny, while Nyesha, who hates her as much as the rest of her, vows to wipe the smile off her face. They have 30 minutes to create a dish using frying, injecting, and foaming. Heather has never foamed before. She makes a Head On Gulf Shrimp Injected With Paprika on a Porcini Foam with Ragu of Corn and Chantrelle Mushrooms, which loses to Nyesha's Brown Butter Foam Quick Beignet Injected With Caramel Sauce. Yayyy! She’s excited to have shut Heather up and earned another week in the kitchen. I’m excited that the most we’ll have to see of Hateful Heather from now on is a few comments from the sidelines of the Last Chance Kitchen (or when they inevitably bring her back to work as Bev’s sous chef in a late-stage challenge).

There's no new episode on the DVR for next week, Calling Birds, so I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and/or Happy Hanukkah, and enjoy your Top Chef-free New Year's Eve-eve-eve-eve next Wednesday. It's the perfect opportunity to watch State of Play live for once, or to watch the entire series of Whitechapel off of On Demand again.

...or to enjoy time with your loved ones. One of those.

This Post Is About Gwyneth Paltrow's Cookies, But Not Really

In the preface to her recipe for “Granddad Danner’s Favorite Peanut Butter Cookies,” Gwyneth Paltrow tells us that though her grandfather “passed away when I was seven[…]I can still remember him with his thick shock of white hair eating these cookies with a glass of milk.”

I actually made these cookies this summer – and it’s a very basic recipe (flour, other typical dry ingredients, a stick of butter, ¾ cup peanut butter, dark and light brown sugar, one egg, vanilla, and peanut butter chips), so I won’t bother doing a walkthrough, but they are delicious. Anyway, I was making them, and it was a week after my own grandfather had died.


I know. That was five months ago, and this is the first some of you are hearing of it. And there are reasons for that – the biggest being that this largely stopped being a personal blog a long time ago.

Another is that 34 is a difficult age at which to grieve for a grandparent. I’m at a point in my life where my friends are starting to lose parents more often – not what you’d call regularly yet, but no longer under circumstances that require you to say things like “suddenly” or “out of the blue” or “but s/he was so young!”

Each of my parents has lost a sibling – one too early and one far too early. My other uncle has lost his wife. Two of my friends have lost very young children and another is losing her eldest in a particularly slow and terrible way.

Faced with all of that, it feels selfish to wallow in mourning for a grandfather who had 93 good years, capped by a few months of declining health that made it obvious that the end was speedily approaching. It was not sudden. It was not out of the blue. He was not so young – even though for years he’d managed to fake us out by seeming younger than he had any business being.

But the cookies. I kept coming back to that sentence while I was baking – it’s the last line of the introductory text, so it would catch my eye every time I glanced back to see how much dark brown sugar or what order to do things in – and I found myself thinking that I couldn’t even imagine losing my grandfather at seven, and not having a lifetime’s worth of memories with him.

And that’s when I stopped cold, and then burst into tears.

Because I had lost a grandfather at seven – or two months shy of it, really. How could I possibly have forgotten that? And it was sudden, and it was out of the blue, and at 68, he wasn’t so young…but he was still too young. At the very least, he was a damn sight younger than 93.


At that point, I started trying to remember my other grandfather, and I found that I had a very hard time sorting out what I actually remembered versus what I’d been told or seen pictures of. After giving it considerable thought, I’m only confident that one memory of him is really my own – the time he showed me my grandmother’s driver’s license, which he carried in his wallet (she’d died before I was born).

Compare that to the grandfather who just passed. The one for whom I remember a lifetime of bellowed “Hello there, young lady”-s, either when he entered a room or when I heard his voice on the phone; the way he gestured slightly with his fork in small circles while telling a story; the fact that he’d said “et la bas!” as an expression of disgust for decades, and was shocked but amused when a French dinner guest told him that it only meant “hey, you over there.”

But as differently as I’m able to remember them, I feel the same sense of unreality about both their deaths. At just shy of 7, you don’t fully comprehend what death is, and don’t entirely understand that you’re never going to see that person again. At 34, you understand death and can even prepare yourself for its coming, but that doesn’t mean you’re any better capable of realizing – in the sense of making it real to yourself – that someone who’s always been in your world just isn’t anymore.

Suddenly. Out of the blue. Because whether you have weeks to prepare and know exactly what’s going on, or a sudden phone call comes in the middle of a family gathering and you understand the words people are saying but not what they mean, losing someone is always like having the chair kicked out from underneath you.

One grandfather would’ve been 94 years old today. And Saturday – yes, Christmas Eve -- will be the 28th anniversary of the other’s death.

I don’t really know how to miss either of them. And at the same time, right now I miss them both terribly.

Top Chef: Let's Play a Love Game...

(get it? Get it???? Oh, I slay me sometimes)

Too rare venison
Dakota and Nyesha
Both pack knives and go.

I am running super late this morning, boar chops, so I have to contain what I might otherwise say about this episode.

But seriously: what in hell was that?

To get the good stuff out of the way first, I love the fact that Ty-lör is starting to come into his own. He showed a lot of character in last week’s episode, and then really brought it in the kitchen this week.

I’m sorry that Dakota and Nyesha had to go, as they both seemed like nice ladies and it blows to see one member of a team go out on the back of another’s error. By the same token, I’m glad Grayson didn’t get taken out by Ponytail Chris’s shit stupid potato fence idea … but I would’ve loved to see Ponytail Chris get taken out by his own shit stupid potato fence idea.

And then there’s the Heather and Beverly of it all. Um…. You remember how a few weeks ago I had no patience whatsoever with Beverly and all her crying and crying and crying, and thought Heather seemed like a tough, competent chef?

Yeah. That started turning around a bit last week and did a complete 180 last night. Now I think Beverly seems like a nice person, if damaged and maybe a bit floppy as a result of her past – and who wouldn’t be, with the past she’s outlined for us? And Heather. Oh, Heather. I would really like them to put a bag over her head for the rest of the proceedings, so that I never have to watch her mean little eyes contract to pinpoints, the nostrils of her smashed in nose flaring, and her face turning red then purple then grey with all the anger she’s got inside herself. And then I would like them to pull the strings on that bag really, really tight, so that maybe she couldn’t breathe so well.

But let’s walk through to how I got there, shall we? And something is broken in the way blogger is showing up on Chrome this morning, so just be patient with the fact that there aren't going to be any fancy links or formatting or shit -- I'm trying to do this in html, which is not my strong point.

Night. At the Cheftel suite, Nyesha reflects on how tough the challenge was to get through and how harsh Heather was on Beverly. Ty-lör thinks he’s been in the bottom too much, and vows to showcase the chef that he is. They all call themselves the Dirty Dozen.

The next morning they file into the Cordon Bleu kitchen where Tim Love and Padma await them. You may remember Tim Love from Top Chef Masters a long time ago, back when it had the different format and the super talented chefs. He’s also surrounded by tequilas, which Padma tells them they’ll be pairing with a dish for their quickfire challenge.

Padma tells them that the winner of this challenge won’t have immunity, but will get $5000. They have 30 minutes to taste the tequilas and cook.

Tequila flurry. Sarah tells us that she and Tony Mantuano have a tradition of having a shot of blanco tequila every time they fly. Creepy Ponytail Chris loves tequila, but says it’s not the easiest thing to work with. Edward says that cooking in Kentucky, he’s more familiar with bourbons. Ty-lör is making a “very intimate” dish he invented on a beach somewhere.

10 minutes. Dakota is working with the 1942 tequila. She says some very product placementy things about how smooth the tequila is. Blondie (why can’t I remember her name ever?) lived in Mexico for 2 years and is used to pairing with tequila. Ty-lör sees Ponytail Chris overcooking his chicken. Paul thinks Ty-lör is a genius for using clams. Time!

Padma and Tim Love begin tasting with Ty-lör’s 1942 tequila with Steamed Clams in Thai Style Fish Caramel Sauce. Heather’s Reposado paired with Mango Avocado Salad with Rock Shrimp is next. Beverly has also used Reposado pairing it with Cold-Smoked Green Tea Oyster. Tim Love finds the smoke interesting.

Up next is Sarah’s Blanco tequila with Fennel Risotto with Glazed Scallops. Then we see Lindsay’s Anejo paired with Salmon with Fennel Puree and Brown Butter Sauce. Edward has paired Anejo with Bok Choy Lettuce Wrap with Lamb. Tim Love thinks it’s a very interesting pairing. Ponytail Chris has poured the Blanco and paired it with Pan-Seared Chicken with Lime Vinaigrette, which Tim Love says is playful.

Grayson has made Anejo with Sesame Cod with Tequila Brown Sugar Glaze. She never drinks tequila because she’s from Wisconsin. Handsome Chris has used Blanco paired with a Raw Oyster with Tequila Tapioca Pearl and Sea Salt Air. It makes Tim Love feel like he’s at the beach. Dakota’s pour of 1942 paired with Lamb with Medjool Date Pistou is the last dish we see.

Tim Love thinks some didn’t live up to the challenge of pairing. He felt like Heather’s was like a special at a chain restaurant. Ponytail Chris’s chicken was dry, and Sarah’s risotto was undercooked. Sarah snipes to the cameras that she’s been training with experts in Italy on how to make risotto, and she’s not going to change the way she cooks it based on someone’s palate.

His favorites were Handsome Chris, Linsday, whose salmon was cooked nicely, and Ty-lör, whose spicy dish was a good contrast to the tequila. And the winner is… Ty-lör! Yay! I got to like him so much last week, I will even forgive him his stupid umlaut. Padma tells him not to drink his $5000 prize in one sitting. Commercial.

Back. Padma tells them that “the game is on” for their elimination challenge. They’ll be paired with the person next to them to work in teams. Naturally, Heather and Bev are teammates. Edward hopes he and Ty-lör don’t end up in the bottom like they did the last time they worked together.

Tim Love says they’ll be having a game dinner for him and some friends tomorrow night at the restaurant. Game as in game meats, not “hey come on over and watch the football game,” which is what I’d initially thought. His friends, naturally, are famous chefs. Each team will be cooking a protein for the chef they’re assigned to. Nyesha and Dakota will cook venison for Brian Caswell of Reef. Sarah and Paul will make squab for Top Chef Masters alumna Anita Lo of Annisa. Grayson and Ponytail Chris will serve elk to Tim Love. Handsome Chris and Lindsay will make boar for Jon Shook of Animal. Heather and Beverly are in charge of duck for Masters alum and City Grocery owner John Currence. Finally, Ed and Ty-lör will serve quail for Animal’s Vinny Dotolo.

I'm seriously, SERIOUSLY disappointed that none of them are cooking The Most Dangerous Game of all... MAN. They could make it for Tony Bourdain or something.

They’ll also have to cook extra plates for their fellow chefs ….because they’ll be judging each other too! They’ll pick their 3 least favorites to go before the judges, who will make the final decision about which team goes home. And the team that wins will split $10K.

The chefs move out to Whole Foods for 30 minutes of shopping on a $200. Bev and Heather bicker their way through the aisles. Well, Heather bickers anyway. Beverly is trying to be a team player despite Heather’s bossiness, so really Heather is just bickering with herself. Dakota says the double elimination adds an element of fear. Grayson is nervous about working with Ponytail Chris because he does a lot of crazy stuff. I would be nervous because he comes across like a douchey creeper, but good on her for staying professional. They all file out of the store and head back to the Cordon Blue kitchen for 3 hours of cooking time.

Food Flurry! Ponytail Chris has never cooked elk. He’s focusing on making some sort of chain link fence of sweet potato, which…what? Seriously? Paul thinks Sarah is nervous about the sausage she’s making. Heather wants to make sure that their dish isn’t “too Asian.” Edward says Bev’s a talented chef and Heather’s a complete bitch. I love Edward even more for just putting it all out on the line like that.
Five minutes. They start packing up for the day. Paul is worried about Sarah’s sausage. They all head back to the cheftel.

At the cheftel, Heather and Bev continue planning/bickering. Bev thinks Heather has been abrasive and controlling. It makes Bev flashback to a time she was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship that she had to run away from. Hoo boy, we just went to a deep place. Commercial.

Back. The next day the chefs all arrive at Lonesome Dove and begin to prepare. Lindsay and Chris will be serving first. Grayson says that between the double elimination, the $10,000, and the judging each other aspect of things, this is a high stress challenge. Heather says the kitchen they’re in is the tiniest, hottest kitchen she’s ever been in.

Chris Ponytail’s potato chain link fence – which, frankly, just looks like a big fucking cube of sweet potato if you ask me -- is brittle. Grayson is pissed at him, and he’s pissed at himself. He switches to making sweet potato fries.

The judges and chefs file in and find their seats. 10 minutes to service. Heather thinks Beverly asks too many questions, like a sous chef, and doesn’t think like a chef. Lindsay and Chris’s boar racks are a bit undercooked at the center, but they have enough that they don’t have to use the very center portions.

They serve first. Their dish is Roasted Wild Boar with Kohlrabi Slaw and Farro Fried Rice. Can we pause for a minute? I love boar in a slightly filthy way, and ever since NPR did this feature on cooking with it, I’ve wanted to try and cook with it. I think that’s going to be one of my New Year’s Resolutions. Anyway, Jon Shook thinks they should’ve left the marinade off of it. Tom says it’s a nice plate of food, but not very exciting. Lindsay and Chris go back to the kitchen in time to hear Paul saying the slaw is a bit watery.

Next up we have Heather and Beverly’s Five-Spice Duck Breast with Creamy Polenta and Pickled Cherries. John Currence doesn’t like the way the cherries are cooked and Hugh finds the duck breast rubbery. Someone else says it was too safe. One of the cheftestants in the back, though thinks the duck breast is “perfect” and “super tender.”

Grayson is nervous about their plates because the sweet potato is not as they imagined. Their dish goes out and is presented as Juniper Roasted Elk with Sweet Potato and Bouquet of Citrus Greens. Chris Ponytail explains how he fucked up the sweet potato, but Grayson steps on his little speech, telling him not to admit shit like that. She’s right – I think it’s important to own your mistakes at the Judges’ Table, but you don’t want to own them early enough to send you to Judges’ Table. Or, in this case, to give them ammunition in advance if someone else is making the decision about who to send to Judges’ Table. Tim Love says the meat is good, but it reminds someone else of “1982 banquet food”. Grayson thinks they’re probably going home. I’m worried about this too – I’d love to be shot of Chris J, but I don’t want him to cost me Grayson.

Back in the kitchen, Dakota and Nyesha have issues with their venison being seriously undercooked.

Next out to the diners we have Ed and Ty-lör’s Sorghum Quail with Pickled Cherries and Eggplant. Tim Love says the quail shines, and Anita Lo says they bring out the earthy qualities of the ingredients.

Back in the kitchen, Sarah’s sausage doesn’t poach through. Nyesha and Dakota’s venison is “raw-slash-rare” in Nyesha’s words. It goes out and is introduced as Roasted Rack of Venison with Kobocha Squash and Beet Gratin. I know you all think I’m going to rage on the beet gratin, but frankly I was relieved this morning to find out that’s what was on top of the dish, because last night I thought it was just sheer bloody raw. But no. Just death vegetables, not venison sashimi. Anyway. Tim Love thinks the venison flavor is nice, but the other reactions to it range from “undercooked” to “a little bit blue.”

Finally we have Sarah and Paul. Sarah wouldn’t forgive herself if something she did made Paul go home. They present their Squab Breast and Sausage with Nectarine Pickled. One of the Animal guys likes the sausage. Tom thinks the presentation is sloppy and rushed, but the food is good.

Padma comes into the kitchen and calls in Ed and Ty-lör. All the other chefs clap and congratulate them, assuming that they’re the winners. Which, of course, they are. They give each other a big hug and get to split $10,000. Ty-lör says it feels amazing to win the quickfire and elimination after being in the bottom. Ed is pleased not to have made an ass of himself.

Padma tells them that they and the other chefs have 15 minutes to choose which three teams to send back for elimination. Commercial.

Fakeback. The chefs are trying to talk out who should go back. Heather thinks they should just vote. Grayson points out that no one will vote for themselves.

Back. The chefs are still trying to decide. Paul nominates Heather/Beverly, Nyesha/Dakota and Chris/Grayson. Heather nominates Dakota/Nyesha and Grayson/Chris, then refuses to pick a third and gets touchy about not understanding the process. Ultimately they just vote. Edward thinks people are conspiring a bit. The teams that head in are Nyesha/Dakota, Chris J/Grayson, and Heather/Bev.

Tom asks if they think they deserve to be there. Heather doesn’t think they should be, and suspects it because she was in the top in the last challenge.

Tom tells Dakota/Nyesha that the dish was good, but the venison was undercooked. Dakota is embarrassed that the venison fell out of her grasp. Hugh says the flavor profiles were good, but it was just the meat that landed them in the basement.

Hugh thought the meat on Chris and Grayson’s was pretty good, but the potato was “like waaaaaah?” If I didn’t already love Hugh, the fact that he reacted to stupid Ponytail Chris’s stupid lump of potato with a Moe-esque “waaaaaah?” would’ve put me over the top. He thinks they may live or die by the potato fence.

Beverly and Heather are next and Heather says they had an issue of balancing two chefs in one plate. Um, jackass? Everyone had to do that. That’s what happens in a challenge where you have two chefs working on one dish. That’s the nature of the challenge, you dumb swollen necked baboon. And then Heather goes on another of her weird, gross, purple faced rage tirades and tries to make it all about Beverly’s “work ethic” in the last challenge. Dakota stands up for Beverly saying she’s a hardworking, strong cook. Heather then makes it about Beverly lacking the self confidence to “push through” and get results. Beverly says she has confidence, but shows it in a different way. Padma dismisses them.

In the kitchen, Heather says “Beverly, I’m sorry if you think I hurt your feelings, but that’s the truth.” That is the absolute baseline worst fauxpology in the history of insincere bitchassedness. “I’m sorry if you think I hurt your feelings” – so it’s not even just the person you’re fauxpologizing to’s fault for getting her feelings hurt, you’re going to top that one off by saying “you think I hurt your feelings” and further illegitimatizing her reaction by saying she doesn’t even really understand the feelings she’s having? Jesus Harold Christ, lady. And then she continues bitching about the Asianness of the dish. Then she turns on Grayson, just talking over her. Grayson says that calling out your partner in a double elimination is ridiculous because it means you’re going home too. Heather keeps ranting. It’s just gross. I hope someone tries to make something en flambé and sets her the fuck on fire.

You know what? I don’t remember the last time I disliked a cheftestant this much! Maybe I’m reengaging with the show! Maybe this gross snoutnosed lump of ego and rage brought to human form is exactly what I needed to get me back into the show! Thanks, Heather, you fucking bitchrag. You’ve saved Top Chef!

Tom thinks their peers made the right choice of who to send back. Hugh says Grayson and Chris may go home because Chris put the idea – the stupid potato chain link fence idea which, whaaaaa? -- first before the flavor. They all agree that everything but the venison was great on Nyesha and Dakota’s dish, but think that Nyesha not checking the venison was a failure of teamwork. Tom says Heather and Beverly’s dish was just “a big messy plate of food,” and they’re all dumbfounded by the fact that Heather is still living in the last challenge. Tim Love says you need to have a “baseball memory,” in Top Chef – you can’t come to the plate still thinking about your last strikeout. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them that they agree with their colleagues’ vote that they made the worst dishes. Chris and Grayson’s was all over the place. Dakota and Nyesha’s was really undercooked. Beverly and Heather’s duck wasn’t crispy enough, and they basically made two different dishes.

Padma tells… Dakota and Nyesha to pack their knives and go. Nyesha is upset with herself for not taking more control. Dakota says Nyesha was awesome. Sobbing, she tells the other chefs that Nyesha shouldn’t be going home. Nyesha’s frustrated that she can’t continue to compete when there are chefs still in it who have nothing on her. Dakota feels like she’s disappointed so many people, including herself.

Next: Movin’ out! Welcome to Austin. Patti Labelle! And then my TV went black because there was some sort of DVR hiccup, but whatever. We’ll know in a week. Probably fighting and cooking.

And in Last Chance Kitchen…Nyesha and Dakota face off against Whitney in a challenge where they have to use a wok only, using cactus and any other ingredients in the Top Chef kitchen. It kind of burns me, because I’ve been waiting 9 seasons now for a cactus challenge, and it’s relegated to the stupid Last Chance Kitchen. Anyway, Nyesha’s Asian Scallops with Prickly Pear beat Whitney’s Cactus and Chicken Fried Rice and Dakota’s Shrimp Toastada with Watermelon and Prickly Pear Shooter. But everyone’s happy because Dakota felt bad about taking Nyesha out and Whitney says Nyesha’s the only one she’d want to beat her.

Top Chef: Pulling Up Steaks

Uncooked potato
Uninspired recipe
Whitney’s undoing

Good morning, croquettes. How are you doing? Did you enjoy last night’s episode?

I…can’t say I enjoyed it, because I was exhausted last night, and not feeling entirely myself due to some sort of stomach thing that feels like a small man is standing on my kidneys and punching my lower intestines from within (I know nothing about biology, so if you couldn’t punch the intestines by standing on the kidneys… just don’t tell me. I really couldn’t care less).

But I did think it was a step in the right direction. The quickfire challenge was a nice back-to-basics, display your fundamental skillz type challenge without featuring some sort of promotional ingredient or being sponsored by a company we’d have to hear about 30 times (not that they didn’t make up for that with the Toyota Venza Elimination Challenge, brought to you by Toyota Venza, for which first prize was a Toyota Venza). The elimination challenge was no great shakes, and the chefs didn’t do anything spectacular with it, but we did see some character development. Ty-Lör showed us the right way to handle slicing your finger off, and between that and taking responsibility for the steaks (even though I don’t agree with Tom that it was entirely the fault of the technique he chose), demonstrated a degree of levelheadedness and maturity that I wasn’t 100% expecting.

On the converse side, while I still don’t like Beverly the crier, I’m starting to like Heather less. Heather is obsessed with Beverly for some reason, and it’s a little gross. And Heather’s face when she goes on the attack is just the grossest thing ever. So Beverly isn’t a team player and cries all the time. Is that really a reason to turn that bizarre shade of grayish purple and make faces like a smug frog that’s about to spontaneously combust?

Whitney, on the other hand, never had too much of a personality. And I’m kind of glad she’s gone (from the TV, at least [spoiler alert]), because I was having trouble thinking of her as anything other than a soft version of Dakota.

(Although I will say: look at the stems on that girl in her bio pic! Bangin'. You go, Whitney.)

Let’s do this, shall we?

Night. The chefs are in their Dallas hotel, mourning the loss of Chuy. Edward says the guys need to rally so there aren’t “eight girls and two guys left.” Chris says something trite about concentrating on food and not on girls versus guys or anything. It’s pretty sensible, but I have such an aversion to him and his douchebro ponytail and squinty eyes that I still just want to punch him.

The next morning they head to the Cordon Bleu College of Culinary Arts, and see Padma and Dean Fearing. The Cordon Bleu kitchen will be their base in Dallas. Paul feels like he should win this challenge, since he went to school here and is familiar with the settings.

The quickfire will test their skills as a saucier. Padma says “saucier” very saucily. Dean Fearing says the saucier position is the one that gives the “wow” to the dish. The chefs each draw knives with one of the five mother sauces on it: Hollandaise, Espagnole, Béchamel; Tomate; and Velouté. Their challenge is to make a dish with a new sauce that stems from their mother sauce. The winner gets immunity. Their time starts… Now!

Sauce sprint! They have an hour and a half to cook. We hear about a couple of different sauces and what they’re doing with them, but really, we’ll hear about them when we get to the tasting. Everyone’s trying to do something new with the classic sauce. Nothing blows up or anything.

Padma comes in and gives them the five minute warning. Dakota put her scallops on way too early. Grayson is “totally effed” because she has so many elements. 55 seconds. Time.

Padma and Fearing begin tasting with Chris C., who has made Halibut over Mussels, Andouille, Hajimachi Mushrooms, Veloute with Mussels, Lemon Puree. Edward’s dish stars a Cauliflower Milk Béchamel with Poached Red Snapper, Crab, Fried Oyster. Grayson’s Hollandaise is featured in a dish of Scallop, Charred Corn Sauce with Paprika, Corn Ravioli, Blueberry Balsamic Reduction. Paul has made Espagnole over Quail with Pickled and Roasted Honshimeji Mushrooms, Garlic Scapes. Whitney’s Tomate sauce is served with Poached Shrimp, Fennel Pillau, Sauteed Okra, Pancetta. Paul and Whitney both get questioned for not using roux in their sauces.

We move onto Heather, who has made Béchamel - Gruyere Croquette with Chinese 5 Spice, Apple Ginger Compote and Asian Slaw. Beverly’s Asian inspired dish is Espagnole - Sauce with Charred Shallots with Pepper Corn, Sake, Red Wine, Crab Maki Roll with Rib Eye. Heather thinks the judges should be bored of Bev always making Asian food. Fearing asks Beverly why there’s so little of the espagnole, and she says it’s because she also had the soy, and didn’t want to overpower the soy. Well, that was a dumbshit move, Beverly. The challenge was not soy. The challenge was espagnole. Feature the ingredient that is the challenge.

Moving along, we hear about Dakota’s Béchamel Infused with Peach, Truffle and Lemon Crab and Mushroom Duxelle, Seared Scallop. Fearing says it’s almost like a hollandaise. Ty-Lör has made a Hollandaise, Ahi Tuna, and Bok Choy with Sugar Snap Peas. Finally we see Nyesha present her Tomate Sauce with Coconut and Ras El Hanout Braised Lentils.

Fearing’s least favorites were Dakota, who overused the peach. Nyesha’s dish showed great thought, but her flavors were muddled. And Beverly had another sauce featured over her mother sauce.

He really liked Grayson’s dish, and is impressed that she made ravioli. He liked the way Chris C. added poaching liquids back into the sauce, and thought Paul’s flavor combination was perfect. And the winner is… commercial.

Augh, I HATE when they do this. Bunch of teases.

Back. The winner is… Grayson! Yay! I like her. She has immunity in the elimination challenge.

Padma tells them that for Texans, steak is one of life’s most important pleasures. For their elimination, they’ll work as one team to create a 4 course steak dinner for 200 guests. They have to incorporate steak into 2 of the four courses for the Cattle Baron’s Ball. Fearing instructs them that the steaks should ALL be medium rare when they hit the table. Padma gives them 30 minutes to menu plan now, plus 3 hours to cook that night, and then 3 hours to prep and cook the next night before the event…at SOUTHFORK RANCH! And the winner also gets a brand new 2011 Toyota Venza. Then they all say nice things about the Toyota Venza.

Menu planning! They split up into teams for the four courses. Sarah, Beverly, and Dakota will do soups. Lindsay, Heather, and Grayson are doing dessert, and Edward is pissed because she’s doing his cake recipe again like she did for the quinceañera.

They head to Whole Foods in the Toyota Venzas and talk about how much room there is in the Toyota Venzas and how much they’d all LOOOOOVE to win a Toyota Venza. Arriving at Whole Foods, they pile out of their Toyota Venzas and have 45 minutes and $4,000 to shop before getting back into their Toyota Venzas.

They run around the store breaking things, and Ty-Lör talks about how he was inspired by his grillmaster father who survived open heart surgery. Whitney was inspired by her mother, who was a versatile cook even though they were poor. One of them is totally going home.

Back in the kitchen, the soup team works on their watermelon gazpacho. Edward, Paul, and Chris J. are making New York strip carpaccio for the second course, and on the third team, Whitney, Chris C., Ty-Lör and Nyesha are making ribeye with a sauce, a compound butter, Brussels sprouts and a potato gratin. Heather complains that Beverly is being selfish and not helping her team. People try to convince Whitney to put her potatoes in the oven, but she refuses.

Then Ty-Lör basically slices his finger half off. He’s super calm and super precise about it, telling the medic that the knife probably went in a 16^th of an inch, and finishing his work with a wrapped hand before heading off to the ER. This is how you handle cutting your finger, Jamie.

Back in the hotel, the others try to divvy up the work. Lindsay thinks people are resisting stepping up and taking the lead because of what a cluster their previous group challenge at the quinceañera was. Commercial.

Back. Next morning. Ty-Lör is apparently not back from the ER, because they’re still wondering what happens if they’re one man short. He eventually walks into the hotel kitchen with four stitches and tells them about how crazy the hospital was. He’s determined to step up and do his part and take charge of the steaks.

The chefs head off to Southfork Ranch and we get a modified version of the Dallas theme song because apparently Bravo couldn’t secure the rights to the real thing. It’s so lame. Instead of ba BAAAAM ba BAAM ba Ba Badi Bum Bum! Bum Bi Bum Badi Bum!!! it’s like ba BAAAM badi bum bum! ba badi bum bum! Ba Baaam! (unrelated: I miss when TV shows had long opening credits sequences with iconic theme songs and pictures of the entire, sprawling cast as well as a lot of establishing shots to set up the feel of the show. Related: RIP, HarryMorgan)

The chefs get down to work. Heather’s cakes are finished so she’s working on the organizational end of things. Whitney is having to remove a layer of potatoes because the ones exposed to the air have browned. Beverly has apparently been doing nothing but working on her shrimp for two days, which gives Heather another excuse to be pissed at Beverly. Dakota thinks Heather is a bully, and should be booted from the island. Wrong show, Dakota.

Tom thru! Heather explains her dessert/expediting position. Then Dean Fealing joins him to tour the kitchen and learn about what they’re doing. Ty-Lör explains his plan to just mark the steaks on the grill and finish them in the oven.

A bunch of tackily dressed guests arrive with 13 minutes to go before service. Oh, dear, there are so many hats and rhinestones and low end turquoise jewelry that these women probably got rooked on. Two more prospective Housewives of Dallas approach the judges and talk about the American Cancer Society.

Ty-Lör is outside grilling the steaks in 112 degree heat. The first course comes out and Padma introduces the judges – tonight we have Hugh and Tom, and Dean Fearing, plus Padma and the Cancer Society ladies. Sarah explains their Tomato-Watermelon Gazpacho, Poached Shrimp, Avocado Mousse. The Cancer Society lady doesn’t taste enough watermelon. Tom thinks the chefs are playing it a bit safe. Hugh thinks it needs acid.

Lindsay is nervous that no one’s thinking about the third course as the second goes out. Paul introduces the New York Strip Carpaccio, Pistachio Vinaigrette, Mushroom “Bacon”, Red Onion Jam. No one seems impressed by the “raw tomato thing,” but Fearing likes the degree of doneness.

Lindsay takes charge and starts throwing steaks in the oven. They get them ready, and Heather instructs them to hang tight, because the guests aren’t finished with the second course yet. Chris J. says that flashing the steaks early is like “when the meteor hit the earth and the dinosaurs became extinct” in terms of being a big deal. God, I just hate him and his face and his pot-smoking sophomore with one philosophy class pretenses of deepness. Ty-Lör knows that he’s screwed by the others’ decision to flash the steaks early. Edward is worried because the steaks were ice cold and the gratin is a mess. Nyesha hopes her elements will shine on their own. She goes forward to introduce the Grilled Rib Eye, Creamy Potato Gratin, Braised Greens, Thyme Jus, and explain who worked on the dish. Hugh finds the steak a little messy, and a couple of the steaks aren’t medium rare. The gratin is not cooked. They do like Nyesha’s sauce and compound butter.

The chefs go to work plating the cake, which Lindsay introduces as “Right Side Up” Texas Peach Cake, Whipped Mascarpone, Pecan Streusel. Tom says Heather did a great job with the cake, but Hugh wants a bit more sugar on his.

The judges chat. Tom says overall it was “fine,” but they could’ve pushed it a lot more. Padma thanks the Cancer Society ladies and tells them it’s been a pleasure. Back in the kitchen, Ty-Lör knows it’s done for him. Whitney thinks she could go for her gratin. Commercial.

Fakeback. Beverly tells Ed about how she thought she might be on his shit list because she made a reservation and then cancelled the same day. She says Ed is her idol. It’s unexpectedly sweet. One of them must be going home.

Really back. Heather wants to talk about what happened. She doesn’t think everyone pulled their weight, and that Bev spent all her time working on shrimp. Bev says it was uncalled for to call her out. Heather points out that her and Lindsay have their asses on the lines for taking charge of execution. She has a very unpleasant look on her face. Ok, I don’t like Beverly at all, but Heather’s obsession with her and the despicable way she’s expressing it are starting to tick me off more. Padma calls in Nyesha, Heather, and Chris Jones.

They did the best in the challenge, and one of them will win the Toyota Venza. Fealing tells Chris his steak was cooked perfectly, and Hugh agrees that that was the shining part of the dish. Tom loved Heather’s dessert, and Fealing says the cake was light as a feather and prepared perfectly. Tom tells Nyesha her compound butter saved the dish, and Hugh says it added “nuance and integrity” to an otherwise confused steak.

And Fealing announces that the winner is… Heather. She looks happy, and still kind of smug and unpleasant. They go back and announce her win. Edward and Beverly are clearly pissed – Edward because she won using his cake recipe; Beverly because these two bitches just straight up hate each other. Heather tells Ty-Lör, Whitney, and Ed to go back in. Whitney finds it comforting to see Hugh, her mentor, since he’s been in her position.

The interrogations start with Ty-Lör, who immediately knows what went wrong. He says that the method could’ve worked if they’d fired at the right time, but ultimately it’s on him. Tom’s portion of Whitney’s gratin was raw, and Fealing says she should’ve been able to tell that by cutting it. Tom said Ed’s safe, boring dish said everything about the way the team approached the challenge. Padma sends them back to wait.

Deliberation. Tom says Whitney’s gratin shouldn’t represent 6 hours of work, and Hugh admits that he’s disappointed in her. Wow, that is way harsh, Tai. Tom faults Ty-Lör’s technique for the failure of the steaks, and thinks Ed made the mistake of underestimating the clients’ palates. Hugh says it was “a mediocre dish done in an ok style” and that that was the theme of the night. They’ve made a decision. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them that the challenge was a difficult one, but that doesn’t mean it had to be boring. Whitney played it safe and still messed up with raw potatoes. Ed’s dish was not Top Chef material. And Ty took responsibility and didn’t carry through. He’s starting to think he chose some of the wrong chefs when they narrowed it down to 16. Daaaaaamn. He says that usually it’s tough to send someone home, but tonight they’ve made it easy. Double daaaaaaaaaamn.

Padma tells Whitney to pack her knives and go. She thanks them for the opportunity, and says it was hard being eliminated by Hugh. She says the best part of the competition was meeting so many amazing chefs, and that this is just a part of the dreams and goals she’s set for herself.

Next time! Double Elimination! We have to judge the three dishes that will be in the bottom! I would’ve rather gotten paired with anyone else besides Bev. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done!

And in Last Chance Kitchen, Whitney’s Elk Burger defeats Chuy’s Ostrich Burger in a weird match where for some reason, the eliminated challengers are now allowed to watch them and shout advice and encouragement, as though this was Next Iron Chef Superchefs (or whatever the hell that’s called – I stopped watching when Chuck Hughes was eliminated).

On Food That Makes Do

It began, as many things do, with public radio.

I'm a huge fan of NPR's Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, and of their blog and of their blog's Sandwich Monday feature, wherein they eat a sandwich -- usually a disgusting one -- every Monday.

Last Monday's sandwich was the Toast Sandwich, which is literally "a slice of toast seasoned with salt and pepper, between two pieces of bread with butter."

I posted it on facebook, as I often do with Sandwich Monday sandwiches, and a friend of mine -- a friend with a legitimate, high powered, grown-up respectable job, said this:

Friend with legitimate, high powered, grown-up respectable job: One aspires to the toast sandwich after the "sugar sandwich," "tangwich," and "syrup sandwich" aka "hood pancakes."

Me: I saw an old Law & Order this weekend wherein part of Lisa Gay Hamilton's reason for killing her husband was that her mother used to send them to school with "Mashed Potato Sandwiches."

FWLHPGURJ: Dem shits is delicious.

And then I started thinking about food, and poverty, and how much of what we now think of as classic comfort food came from a place of making do with what you have, and how "what we have" has changed from being things like beans and dandelion greens to being...white bread and Tang.

A lot of Southern Italian food comes from that place: cheap cuts of meat pounded thin and rolled with breadcrumbs and raisins; pasta with beans; mashed beans; last night's risotto rolled up into balls and deep fried; pizza that's punched rather than tossed because you can't afford to drop the dough on the floor.

When I was younger, my mother used to make me pastina and egg soup when I was sick. The ingredients of pastina and egg soup are as follows: pastina (called acini di pepe in a lot of brands), egg, water. This is it. This is all you need. You can use some olive oil if you like; you can put some cheese on top if you're not sick to your stomach.

A few years ago, my mother and I were talking, and I'd been sick recently, and had made myself some pastina and egg. "You know what's really good?" I told her eagerly. "I made it with chicken stock. Did you ever think of that?"

And my mother gave me a look that, if put into words, would've come out something like "Oh, you fancy, huh?" Because chicken stock is not the point of pastina and egg. Making it "better" is not the point of pastina and egg. The point of pastina and egg is that you make it with what you have, and in turn, it makes you feel better.

So in honor of the toast sandwich, and pastina and egg, and dem shits being delicious, I decided to make the ultimate make with what you have meal: Bread Soup.

There are a lot of different kinds of Bread Soup, with varying amounts of bread and different kinds of vegetables and varying degrees of fancy depending on what region they're from. I wanted to make the most basic of them all, Pane Cotto, the way they did in Campania: bread, water, some olive oil, some dried herbs. Period.

First you're going to need about half a pound of bread. This is literally the only item I actually bought for the pane cotto. Really, though, you shouldn't be buying bread for pane cotto. You should be using the bread that you have on hand that's going stale.

Buying bread, and then having to dry it out (say for 30 minutes in a 350 degree oven) is cheating. It's worse than cheating. It's a sign that you fancy now, huh?

But anyway, you have your already stale bread and you break it into chunks, or you have your fancy bread and you cube it up and dry it, and try not to let the sound of your grandparents turning in their graves because you're using good bread to make pane cotto bother you.

Next you put some oil in a pot. I was combining about three different recipes I found online, and ended up using about 8 tbsp of olive oil.
Hello, delicious fats. And then I threw some garlic and some crushed red pepper flakes into the oil, and let it heat up.

And then you're going to throw in your bread, and some water, and some salt and pepper and a couple of bay leaves, and whatever other dried herbs you have on hand.
You can, of course, use stock if you want to. Use any kind of stock you like -- chicken, beef, vegetable, mushroom, whatever you like. You can tell yourself that your great grandparents didn't come to this country so that you could eat soup made with bread and water, and that stock will be delicious.

And that's fine. Just know: you fancy, huh?

And you probably want to know how much water (or fancy stock) you should be adding to this, to which I can only reply (as my mother would) "Enough." You'll know. You want enough that it's going to break down the bread but not all get absorbed into the bread, leaving you with just a bunch of soggy bread chunks rather than anything recognizable as soup. You want enough.

Miiiii'! Alright, already. You want maybe 5 cups of water. And you're going to let all that simmer away together for maybe 10 minutes, maybe 15. You keep an eye on it until some of the bread is breaking up and making beautiful little clouds, but the rest of it is still together, and when the liquid looks like it's about right in proportion to the bread.

And then you dish it out. I cannot stress this enough, you want to divvy out as much of the bread as you can between your four bowls, and then divvy out the broth on top of that so that no one portion gets a giant bread sponge whilst another gets some water with garlic. And then you shred some parmesan cheese on top of it.

Dem shits? Is delicious.

There are things in this world that should taste good. Foie gras, for example. Given what the goose has to go through to produce it and what you've got to pay to get it on your plate, that shit had damn well better taste good. And it absolutely does.

But then there are things that absolutely should not taste good. Sandwiches made with bread and mashed potatoes. Soup made with bread and water. Offal. And yet so often, they do. So often, dem shits is, in fact, delicious.

Top Chef: Now That's Progressive

Overcooked Salmon
Stories about his father
Chuy lives online.

(erm… spoiler alert?)

So…. I don’t much know what to say about this episode, kids. I was running through sitemeter the other day to see what people were reading here, and ended up reading a recap from the Las Vegas season. And – not to brag – but I made myself laugh out loud a couple of times. I was clearly really engaged with that episode, and there were all sorts of in-jokes and references to Mushroom Kingdoms, and I seemed genuinely excited when the people I liked won and spewed forth all sorts of colorful invective when someone I didn’t like did something.

And I don’t remember the last time I felt that way about an episode, and I don’t know what it would take to get me back there.

With last night’s episode, at least, it was because I was actually angry with Top Chef for being on opposite Whitechapel, which I would’ve much rather been watching. Not just because it’s SO DAMN GOOD and the last episode until god knows when (Season 3 starts in the UK in January, but how long before we get it over here? Can we at least get Silk in the interim? Pretty please, BBC America?), but because…well, watch this preview video. You can take a minute. I’ll wait.

Back? Ok, excellent. Now, not only do I want to know how the series wraps up, I can’t stop watching that video and laughing hysterically at the end. Because this, my friends, is how a normal person reacts to being threatened with a gun:

“Pleasepleaseplease oh god please don’tshootme oh my god pleeeeeeaaaaaase….”

And this is how Rupert Penry-Jones reacts to being threatened with a gun:

“I say, are you threatening me with a gun, sir? Really, I’m pained by your poor taste in pursuing this course of action.”

But it’s not Top Chef’s fault that it’s not Whitechapel. And that’s clearly only been the case for the last couple of weeks of overlap (because I liked Whitechapel for the first series, but I didn’t become OH MY GOD obsessed with it until the finale of the Jack the Ripper case). It doesn’t explain the fact that since…oh, maybe the DC season? Either the show or I or the two of us together haven’t been quite able to recapture that old magic, with the Mushroom Kingdoms and the imaginary cooking threesomes and everything.

Anyway. This week they brought an interesting Quickfire challenge which they sped through, and a rock-bottom boring elimination challenge in which the chefs had to cook for a suburban progressive dinner. I feel like they didn’t spend enough time mining the potential conflicts between the chefs with trained palates and a bunch of nouvelles riches who haven’t realized yet that being childish, picky assholes about what they eat is not the same as having taste. And you know those tensions were there. They bubbled up to the surface with a couple of people, and I can’t believe they didn’t do more with it.

In fact, maybe that’s where the show is falling down on its part of the job: they’re no longer showing as much conflict, dramatic tension, or character development. And I don’t know what they’re doing with that time, because they’re sure as hell not showing us anything with the food. So what are we spending 60 minutes on if we’re not spending it on drama and we’re not spending it on food (and we’re sure as hell not spending it on Rupert Penry-Jones, which I am still pretty fucking upset about)? Long shots of Padma on horseback? Product placement? Real estate porn so the Highland Park residents can put “as seen on Top Chef” on the fliers when they have to short-sell their houses? Or was that all just an audition for Real Housewives of Dallas?

Anyway. Let’s just do this.

Night. We are back at the Tejas Rodeo, where everyone is still drained from the challenge, and more than a little freaked out about all the crying that Richie and Beverly did. Padma moseys up to them and tells them to get a good night’s sleep tonight, because tomorrow they’ll be heading for Dallas. Edward is bummed because he just fell in love with the Chef House. Don’t fall in love with a house, Edward. It will never love you back.

The next morning, they all pack up and talk about Dallas. Beverly thinks Dolly Parton is from Dallas. Beverly is wrong and stupid. Chris J. thinks a new city is a new opportunity to show what he can do. They load into their product placement vehicles and head off, and have some nice getting-to-know-you time, which is a plus since it seems like in recent seasons, we haven’t gotten-to-know the chefs as well as we once did. Anyway, we find out that Edward has been married a year; Ty-lör has a boyfriend; Beverly has an unexpected arm full of tats; and Chris C. used to be 70 pounds heavier until his picture was in a magazine and all of his friends fat shamed him.

Their pleasant drive comes to an abrupt end as the chefs see a road block and Texas Highway Patrol. Dakota has an outstanding ticket and perhaps a warrant from an incident in San Antonio.

Buuuut…they’re not really arrested. They are in another kind of trouble, though, because John Besh and Padma are standing there waiting for them. “John Besh is a handsome man,” Chris C. says, demonstrating the age-old ability of like to recognize kind.

John Besh welcomes them to the quickfire, which Padma tells them is about being resourceful and inventive. They have survival kits in their trunks, and must use them to make the best possible dish. They have 30 minutes, and the winner gets $5K and immunity.

Freeway Food Flurry! Chris J. runs in the opposite direction as the rest of the chefs, and for a moment I have the delightful thought that he’s run totally amok and is making a break for it. Run, Chris J.! Run to Richie and to freedom!

Alas, no. He’s merely running to a cornfield to see if there’s usable corn. The others start rooting through the packs to find an assortment of packaged foods. They have to punch holes in the cans with some sort of awl.

12 minutes. They all seem to be stuck at the can-opening phase. Chris C. is using “lemon drink” powder for acid. They all say the usual things about how they would never cook with all this canned food, and how it’s totally out of their comfort zone. [Blondie] is using Vienna sausages in a tribute to her dad, who used to eat them. Edward is determined not to make “Flintstone food” just because he’s at a camp site.

5 minutes. Edward pulls a muscle in his back. Chris J.’s corn didn’t work out. Time! Commercial!

Back! Padma and John Besh begin tasting the dishes with Chris J.’s Fried Chicken on Lemongrass Noodles. Next is Chuy’s “Dirty Mouth Dirty Rice” made with Basmati Rice with Smoked Trout. Grayson has made Pickled Herring with Hearts of Palm, Dates and Herring Juice. Lindsay has made a Triple Club [Sandwich] with Tuna and Sardines in French Onion Soup with Vienna Sausage.

Heading into the second batch of chefs, Ty-lör’s dish is Black Pepper Chicken Stew with Garbanzo Beans and Rice. Padma compliments his rice. Sarah’s concoction is Dried Beef and Pineapple Rice, Apple Sauce and Hearts of Palm. Chris C. has made Spicy Garbanzo Beans with Tofu and Crab. Besh is impressed that he sweetened with Crystal Light.

As we head for the home stretch (except for the 3 or 4 chefs we don’t see at all because there are still so damned many of them), we learn that Whitney’s dish is Beer and Peach Glazed Chicken with Green Bean Casserole. Edward’s is Thai Peanut Soup with Salmon, Tofu and Fried Hominy. Paul has made Pork and Beans with Coffee and Basmati Rice, and Dakota cooked up some Sweet and Spicy Noodles with Crab Meat and Pineapple Juice. Padma says her pineapple is very sweet.

John Besh says his least favorites were Whitney’s chicken, which didn’t have “love.” Dakota’s noodles were one dimensional and sweet, and Chris C’s was underseasoned.

On the plus side, he loved Edward’s attention to detail. He was scared of Lindsay’s dish, but liked it. Chuy made him a believer in canned smoked trout. And the winner is…. Lindsay! Yay! She seems small and scrappy (really, I haven’t developed strong opinions of any of them yet. Except for Paul, who I like, Sarah, who I can’t abide for mostly shallow reasons, Chris C., who is a handsome former fatty, Chris J., who seems like a tool and a douchebag, Beverly, who cries too damn much, and Edward, Grayson, and Heather, whose cooking has consistently impressed me, I really don’t have much of an opinion on any of these people beyond “small and scrappy.”). She hopes her father is proud.

Padma tells them their elimination will take place in the exclusive neighborhood of Highland Park, where three neighbors will be hosting a progressive dinner. The chefs will be providing the food. They’ll be in three teams, broken up to do appetizers, entrée, and dessert, but the challenge will ultimately be individual, with each member of the team providing a dish in their category. Dakota is pissed to be stuck with dessert again.

Padma tells them to check into their hotel and then go to the clients’ house to plan. The chefs arrive at a product placement boutique hotel, which Edward approves of “it feels like Dallas. It’s big, it’s opulent, great views.” After spinning him in some sort of giant basket chair that’s been mounted on a Lazy Susan, they head off to Highland Park.

The appetizer team – Chris, Whitney, Lindsay, Paul, and Sarah -- heads to the home of Kim and Justin Whitman. Whitney talks about how different this house is from her own poor upbringing. Anyway, as an added “treat” for the appetizer team, Kim Whitman is a lifestyle and entertaining expert, and gives them her books to work from. Awesome. I’m sure trained chefs are totally delighted to be given instructions by the genius behind such vanity press classics as Tablescapes (girl, Sandra gonna sue your ass for that one), The Wedding Workbook, Dog Parties and The Pleasure of Your Company. She also gives them a list of her dislikes: no bell peppers, no cilantro, nothing that causes bad breath or get stuck in their teeth. Chris badgers her into letting him do a different presentation of familiar flavors.

The entrée team --Ty-lör , Chuy, Nyesha, Beverly and Heather -- head to the home of Kari and Troy Kloweer. Ty-lör says their house smells like money, which is a different smell than his apartment in Brooklyn. Ty-lör is thus proved to be more tactful than my great-grandmother, who would’ve expressed the same sentiment by saying “stinks of new money.” Husband Troy likes spicy food while wife Kari doesn’t. Kari hates cilantro and raspberries. Troy likes beef; Kari doesn’t eat it. Chuy says he’d throw her out of his restaurant.

Finally, the dessert team --Edward, Grayson, Chris C. and Dakota-- go to the home of Kameron and Court Westcott. They love cake balls, cupcakes, and bananas, and want something worth every calorie that will make Court’s “inner fat kid cry.” Court’s (I keep typing Cord, because I’m so into One Life To Live right now, folks) wedding cake was a giant gummi bear. Edward can’t deal with how these people have so much “elegance” and yet are asking him to cook with gummi bears. Edward also has more tact than my great-grandmother, who would’ve sniffed something about not being able to buy taste. She was not a tactful lady. Let’s blame at least part of that on the Alzheimer’s.

The chefs head to Whole Foods and run around madly with a budget of $250 and 30 minutes. Ty-lör is excited about the fact that this is the first individual challenge. Paul knows it’s important to cook for the clients in this kind of situation, not for yourself. Chris C. is making a cupcake recipe he’s not tested. Commercial.

Back. The chefs return to their houses and start to work. Sarah is excited to cook Italian food. Ty-lör is determined not to end up back at judges’ table. Chris C. is making a dish that looks “exactly like a cigar,” which Paul doesn’t think is the best idea, because with a situation like this you want to impress the lady of the house. Paul continues his streak of making me like him by thinking about the tasks more than the others. Heather is aggravated with Beverly because she’s hogging up the entire kitchen. Beverly also apparently moved Nyesha’s blanching water and strainer. Now everyone hates Beverly, which is kind of ok with me since I’m not fond of her either.

At dessert house, Edward is making pannna cotta, and refuses to feed 12 people based on one couple’s likes and dislikes. Just come out and say it, Edward – one couple’s tacky-ass likes and dislikes. You and I both know that’s what you’re thinking.

Back at the Whitman’s house, a bunch of suburbanites and the judges show up for their appetizers. Mrs. Whitman is Canadian like Gail. Paul talks about pushing himself to do better and evolve. I like Paul.

The appetizer team begins presenting their plates. First up is Chris J, who has done a Roasted Chicken Cigar with Sweet Corn, Collard Greens, and Cumin Ash. It looks pretty much exactly like the one featured on All Top Chef last week as being a regular menu item at Moto. Which… ok, they all do dishes from their restaurants, but the fact that he’s doing this one totally belies all his claims that he was inspired by Justin’s cigar collection. Congratulations, All Top Chef and Richie! You totally blew up Chris J’s spot! A huge part of me hopes it was intentional – I find him creepy.

ANYWAY. Back to the food. Sarah’s dish is Grilled Roman-Style Artichokes with Date Purée. Lindsay has made a Roasted and Raw Beet Salad with Chickpeas & Greek Vinaigrette, aka Salad of Anaphylactic Death. Whitney has made a Seared Scallop over Sweet Corn Puree.

Everyone picks up plates and heads back to the living room for eating and more suburban chit chat. Tom thinks Chris’ cigar is dry, and a wife – Kameron?-- says the idea of eating a cigar doesn’t appeal to her. Mrs. Whitman loves Sarah’s artichoke. Besh finds Lindsey’s beets boring. They love Paul’s Brussels Sprouts. Whitney’s wasn’t a conversation starter. Justin says some of the dishes were great while others didn’t work. “So…close, but no cigar?” Tom jokes. They all give droll suburban laughs.

At entrée house, Chuy has wrecked his salmon. Ty-lör and Heather are happy to be there together because they’re good friends. Ty-lör screws up his presentation.

The chefs present their dishes family style. Heather’s is Garlic and Rosemary Grilled Lamb Chops with Garbanzo Beans & Mint Chimichurri. (YUM). Chuy has made Sockeye Salmon Filet Stuffed with Goat Cheese. Beverly’s dish is Seared Scallop with Creamy Polenta, and Paul’s is Fried Brussels Sprouts with Grilled Prosciutto. Yum – I’m on such a polenta and risotto kick lately. It isn’t even funny. It’s a total betrayal of my terroni roots. Ty-lör’s entrée is Grilled Pork Tenderloin with Summer Slaw, and Nyesha has made a Roasted Filet of Beef with Vegetable Mélange that looks very rare.

One of the husbands finds Chuy’s salmon stringy, but likes Beverly’s salmon. Gail finds Ty-lör’s pork dry, and one of the older wives says it reminds her of something her parents would’ve made in the ‘50s. Heather’s lamb is overcooked, and Nyesha’s beef looks like it’s been decorated with blood.

Over at dessert house, Dakota is looking for a vessel to serve her milkshake in. Unable to find one, she fashions shot glasses out of dates. Grayson is afraid her sponge cake won’t be spongy. Chris has mixed emotions about his cupcake.

The chefs present their desserts beginning with Dakota’s Banana Bread Pudding, Banana Mousse and Banana Date Milkshake. Sweet Mary, that looks so goddamn good. Chris C. has made a Strawberry Cupcake with Banana Custard and Chocolate Icing, while Edward’s dessert is Panna Cotta, Cantaloupe Consommé and Raspberries Stuffed with Basil Pudding. We end with Grayson’s Chocolate Sponge Cake, Caramelized Bananas and Semifreddo. Sweet Mary, that looks so goddamn good. Well done, dessert ladies.

Kari finds Edward’s dish “jiggly looking.” A husband finds Grayson’s cake a bit too rich. Court loves Chris’s cupcake, but Tom can’t think of anything nice to say about it so he remains silent. Old wife says she could eat Dakota’s bread pudding every day.

The neighbors then head out to have margaritas while the judges make their decisions. Commercial.

Fakeback. We hear about Chuy’s stories about his dad, who apparently is Superman.

Really back. The chefs appear to be sitting around in a back yard, talking about how they did. Yep, they’re still at dessert house. Padma calls back Sarah, Grayson, Paul, and Dakota. They served the favorite dishes of the evening! Yay! Tom loved the salty aspects of Grayson’s dessert. John Besh liked the refined flavors in Sarah’s appetizer. Gail found Dakota’s bread pudding nostalgic and comforting, and Paul’s sprouts made sense to Tom.

And the winner is…. Paul! Yay! I like him. He says it’s a huge boost to his morale, and he’s representing for Texas. Now he has to call back Chris, Chris, Ty-lör and Chuy.

They, naturally, have the judges’ least favorite dishes. Tom didn’t know where Chris C’s dessert started and where it ends. He says it felt like it was designed by a 3 year old who went crazy at a birthday party. John Besh says he gave in to too many of the clients’ whims.

Gail found Ty-lör’s dish disproportionate, and John Besh says the meat was kind of “hacked.” Chuy says he’s done his dish before in the restaurant. Gail could see the “bagels and lox” inspiration, but says that wasn’t what it tasted like.

Tom says Chris J. should’ve tossed the cigar idea and done what was right for the ingredients, and Besh says he got caught up in the gimmick and didn’t focus on good food. It’s dead on criticism – clearly he wanted to do an impressive presentation that he was comfortable with, and didn’t pay as much attention to the flavors.

The cheftestants are dismissed and head back to the yard. Tom says the chefs cooked like they were throwing darts at a dart board. Besh didn’t see any redeeming value in Chuy’s dish. Gail says Chris J’s cigar was hard to eat and unappealing, and Tom says he fell in love with the idea and couldn’t make it work. Gail couldn’t make sense of Chris C’s cupcake dish, and Tom agrees it was a mess “bad on top of bad on top of bad.” John Besh is more offended by Ty-lör’s pork tenderloin, which Padma calls “so much and nothing at all.” They reach a decision, and we cut to commercial.

Back. Tom says that they all could’ve corrected their mistakes by thinking things through. Chris’s dish didn’t make sense. Ty-lör should’ve used fewer ingredients and focused. Chuy gave them overcooked salmon and goat cheese. And Chris J. should’ve edited.

Padma tells … Chuy to pack his knives and go. Everyone else sags with relief. Chuy wanted to see himself go further because he was having fun. He goes out and says goodbye to everyone else. He wanted to make a mark since he’s the youngest person in the competition, but he thinks his dad would be proud.

Next! SOUTHFORK RANCH, MOTHERFUCKERS! I need a medic right now! I’m concerned about my hand, and I’m concerned about being eliminated. If I was in a restaurant, you’d be refunding that money.

And in Last Chance Kitchen, Chuy will face Keith. Chuy doesn’t stand a chance, right?(Spoiler Alert): He totally does, though, defeating Keith in a challenge that involves them butchering and cooking their own steaks. Oh well. At least now he’s just on the internet and we don’t have to listen to another story about his dad until/unless he manages to cook his way back into the competition.