Project Runway All Stars: So...that happened.

Oh dear, Elisa
Shine on you crazy diamond
You fabric spitter

I don’t know about this one, kids.

Maybe it was first night jitters, or maybe it was the victim of high expectations, or maybe it was because we spent a lot of the evening going “wait, was she on the season with the girl whose designs all had camel toe?” “No, she was on the season with bitch Kenley.” Or maybe it was because it was bad editing (and if so, that’s criminal because they held this joint back from its intended November launch date, and still this was the best cut job they could come up with?), or maybe it’s because the new judges just ain’t the old judges.

But that? It all seemed a little bit lackluster to me.

Anyway, without getting heavily into preface, Elisa went home, and that’s exactly what I’ve predicted from the first moment the cast was announced. Everyone else in this season was in the top 4 or 5 of their original season; most were in the finales. Elisa was clearly brought along as a curiosity, here to spit on some fabric in the hopes of blessing the season into success and originality, and then be tastefully ushered off stage. So…thanks for playing, kiddo.

For the rest of it… I’m going to give it the benefit of the doubt. For now. For now. I’m not going to get too judgey after only an hour. I’m going to wait and see.

But I will say I don’t feel sanguine. As I said at the beginning, I don’t know about this one, kids.

Let’s see if we can parse out why, shall we?

The show begins in the usual way, by showing some of the contestants converging on a location. The soundbites we hear are less biographical and more “I want to win this time,” because we already know these people (and, apparently, couldn’t have guessed that they want to win this time rather than losing again). Anyway, we see:

Mondo, who you may remember from getting totally robbed in Season 8, or that time I made him paella (fuck yes, I made Mondo paella. Did I not mention that? Hm. How strange). He tells us that he got his heart broken last time. He is wearing some problematic leather short shorts.

He encounters and embraces Michael Costello, who you may remember from being in the same season as Mondo, and crying a great deal.

We then see Mila, who you may remember from color blocking everything she could lay her hands on in Season 7. She thinks she’s the best. Also from Season 7, we have Anthony, who you may remember from being the butt of all my Tyler Perry jokes. He’s learned not to second guess himself.

Tripping merrily through the list, we see Jerell, who you may remember from having a name I was chronically unable to spell correctly in Season 5. He plans on winning “the sash and the tiara” this time. Imagine his disappointment when he finds out that the prize is just a crapload of cash and some business opportunities.

Next we see Elisa, who you may remember from spitting on her fabric in Season 4. She tells us she wants to win this time. Then there’s Austin, who you may remember from Season 1, or from his more recent show with Santino. He informs us that he puts the star in All Star.

After that we see Kenley, who you may remember from ripping off a lot of established designers to make it all the way to the finale in Season 5, or her stank bitch attitude, or the fact that she threw a cat at her boyfriend. She says a few things that are intended to indicate growth, but then caps it all with “screw everyone else,” because she’s there to win.

Then there’s also Kara, who you may remember from being South African in Season 2; Sweet P, who you may remember from her guest appearance on Top Chef Masters or from purportedly having an alter-ego known as “Mean P” during Season 4; Rami, who you may remember from draping everything in Season 4; Gordana, who you may remember from being hated by Heidi in Season 6; or April, who you may remember from making a beach diaper in Season 8. We don’t hear anything from them, but presumably they’re all here to win this time/ show how much they’ve grown/ put the “oj” in Project Runway as well.

They all converge on Limelight, where they’re greeted by Angela Lindvall. You may want to imagine that this is a soap opera, and as she appears, the camera freezes on her for a moment as the deep voiced announcer intones “The role of Heidi will now be played by Angela Lindvall” (side note: the first episode of One Life To Live I ever saw was the one where “the role of Sheila Price will now be played by Stephanie E. Williams.” This has been on my mind a lot lately. We’ll talk more about that next week).

Anyway, Angela welcomes them, and explains some of the differences between the usual Project Runway and the All Stars goat rodeo they’ve turned up for this time. There’ll still be one elimination and one winner each week, but this time the winner will not get immunity for the next week. She then rattles off the list of prizes the final winner will receive. To Jerrel’s great disappointment, they do not include a sash and a tiara. They do, however, include:

· * Your own boutique in select Neiman-Marcus stores and at Neiman-Marcus.com.

· *A fashion spread in Marie Claire magazine.

· *A position as a guest editor of Marie Claire magazine for one year

· *A shitload of professional grade sewing equipment from Brother

· *$100,000 of technology from HP and Intel

· *$100,000 in cash courtesy of L’Oreal.

…for a grand total of about half a million dollars.

Angela then introduces them to the All Star judges. The role of Nina will now be played by Georgina Chapman, aka cofounder of Marchesa, aka Mrs. Harvey Weinstein, aka the boss’s wife. The role of Michael Kors will now be played by Issac Mizrahi, aka I guess there’s not going to be another episode of The Fashion Show. This is basically the television fashion competition equivalent of when Bo Brady from Days of Our Lives started playing reanimated Stefano on General Hospital.

The judges remind the designers that they were all asked to bring a recent creation that represents who they are as designers. They have 30 minutes to dress the models who are waiting backstage.

The designers rush back stage and dress their models and size each other up. Sweet P thinks that Kara is her main competition. Michael Costello thinks Sweet p is phenomenal and Rami is the best. We finally hit a commercial.

As we return, we see their fashion show. It opens with Jerell, who has made a green insect looking halter dress. Mila’s has apparently forgone making an item of clothing, choosing instead to drape her model in half a beige sheet stitched to half a black and white striped sheet.

Kenley’s model is dressed in a horrible blue gown with white netting showing, which one of my friends calls a “Puerto Rican Prom dress.” Austin continues this theme by sending out a teal bridesmaid dress. Elisa’s garment is a surprisingly beautiful sheath with a cape. It may be my favorite thing in this show (it's just below at left -- not a great shot but they didn't do a "rate the runway" gallery for the "inspiration" clothes).

Rami has made a very structural grayish cocktail dress, which was apparently inspired by the Disney Concert Hall. Gordanna has brought along one of her typical Eastern European hooker dresses, but this one has red epaulettes – it’s for an Eastern European hooker of rank. April has made a black dress.

Anthony has made a green dress—it’s cute, but still very much his typical Tyler Perry aesthetic. Michael Costello has made a piece of draped nonsense. And Mondo has made a costume for an Andrews Sister tribute group – don’t get me wrong, I like it, but it makes me want to sing “Bei Mir Bist du Schoen.”

(Ok, in all honesty pretty much everything makes me want to sing “Bei Mir Bist du Schoen,” so maybe we shouldn’t hold that against him).

Did we not see Sweet P or Kara’s looks? Did I just black out during those? If not, what is this – Top Chef, where we only show half the dishes in the early round quickfires?

Anyway. Mrs. Harvey Weinstein tells them she’s excited to see what they do next, and ships them off to their penthouse apartment at Flatotel New York. They arrive in their digs and do the typical product placement-y oohing and aahing over the space, when Michael Costello finds a remote and a note that says they should press play.

They all brace themselves for a challenge, but instead it’s a nice little video note from Giancarlo Giametti. He and Valentino wish them success and work in a plug for the Valentino virtual museum. Michael Costello cries. Then the designers all toast each other with champagne.

The next day, they meet Angela at the 99 cent store, where she does a very lackluster introduction telling them that this will be the Unconventional Materials Challenge. She reminds Austin that he won the first one in the first episode of Project Runway ever, which they can’t show a triumphant clip of because Bravo still owns all the rebroadcast rights to those seasons. Wah-wah.

Anyway, there’s an All Stars twist – the look has to be inspired by the one they showed in the show earlier in this episode. They have $100 to spend and 20 minutes to shop. And they shop, and it’s very typical and very boring, and Mondo is wearing a truly dreadful earring, and Michael and April both buy a shitload of mops, which makes Michael worry that April will kick his ass in Battle Mop Dress.

Do we have a commercial here? I think we do. Bad note taking last night. Let’s just pretend we have a commercial.

On return, Angela welcomes them to the workroom, and does a lackluster job pointing out all the HP touchpads and Neiman Marcus accessory walls and stuff. We also learn at this point that the role of Tim Gunn will be played by Joanna Coles. Seriously? That’s like the role of Victor Newman being played by Susan Lucci.

The designers get down to work. Work work work, sew sew sew, gripe gripe gripe. Anthony tells us he understands Elisa because he has a grandmother “who was committed to the crazy house.” Jerell tells Michael Costello that his and April’s dresses look exactly alike, and encourages Michael to talk to April about that.

Eventually, Joanna Coles enters. The role of Joanna Coles is apparently being played by Helen Mirren. Anyway, she wanders around doing her best Tim-thru impersonation (it’s not a very good impersonation) and mentoring the designers mentorishly. She reminds Sweet P that her job is to surprise the judges. She tells Gordana she thinks her dress will really come to life on the model. Mondo, conversely, interviews that Gordana’s dress is like Easter at a Mexican family’s house, and he hopes the model is full of candy. Then he gets his moment with Joanna, and tells her he’s not in the competitive mood yet. Elisa discusses spitting on fabric and how clients pay her to do this because it’s some sort of blessing.

Joanna slithers out of the room, and Disaster strikes: Austin’s glue gun has melted through the plastic overlay of his dress, leaving a big hole right in the front. We get a few moments of freaking out before they have to leave.

Fade to the next day and the model fittings. Austin is wearing some sort of diaphanous do-rag, like he’s trying to out-Mondo Mondo. Seriously, with the do-rag and the Dali-stache and the Season One bona fides, it’s like he wants to remind all of us that he was Mondo before there was a Mondo.

They do the product placement thing with the hair and makeup, and we get to see that Handlebar Moustache Man is still in the make up room. That’s reassuring: the role of Handlebar Moustache Man is still being played by Handlebar Moustache Man. It’s like how Erika Slezak has been Viki since the late ‘60s, even if they have replaced all of the actors playing her husbands and children six million times each, including that one summer when there were three different Kevins between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Angela gives them a distinctly non-Heidilike welcome, and tells them that the role of the guest judge will be played by Ken Downing of Neiman Marcus. Let’s start the show!

Austin’s spacey teal dress is first, followed by Kara’s look, which is a black skirt and a coral top. Jerrel has made another insectish dress (left), but I mean that in the best way – it’s awesome, and it really speaks to his other look.

The only thing I have written down for Elisa’s look is “oh jesus.” I will allow you to come up with your own descriptions of it and leave them in the comments.

Rami has made a plaid suiting-look look. It’s stiff, but I like it. Sweet P has made a crappy looking maxi dress in a variety of colors. Mondo has made a cute ruffled thing. Kenley’s look (right) is like a cigarette girl’s uniform from a movie set in a ‘40s nightclub, but I like it.

Gordana has made a white plouffy dress that’s a bit Tina Turner/Proud Mary. Anthony has made a purple dress that my friends describe as “Atlanta Vaginal” (they said some much crasser things first, but I made them tone it down). Mila has made another piece of striped junk.

We finish with Michael Costello’s Mop-Head halter dress (left), and April’s Mop-Head gown (at right, just below). Both are really good. The lesson of the episode is that Mop-Heads work.

Angela calls Austin, Mila, April, Anthony, Kara, Kenley, and Michael Costello. They are all safe. The others have the highest and lowest scores, and Angela tells them “one of you will be named this week’s winner, and one of you will be going home.”

It just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?

The judges start running through the looks with Rami. Isaac thinks he has an edge in terms of execution, and Ken Downing thinks he transformed his materials. Moving to Sweet P, Isaac thinks it looks ragged and unfinished, and that the cut outs look like “chew outs.” Ken Downing says it makes the model look bigger.

Moving to Jerell, Georgina tells him it moved beautifully and is wearable. Isaac says his pattern is a nice “alternative to neutral.” Georgina wants to know more about the writing on Elisa’s garment. Elisa natters some stuff about sacred geometry. The judges nod and move along, because they’re terrified.

Georgina tells Mondo his dress is fun, and Ken downing feels it’s flawlessly executed. He’d love to see it done in “real fabric” Isaac agrees that it’s got a great sense of proportion. Finishing up with Gordana, Isaac thinks the texture looks divine, but Georgina thinks it has too many elements/ideas.

The designers scurry off and the judges deliberate and none of it is interesting, so let’s just speed through to the commercial.

Back. Angela reminds them that “one of you will be named this week’s winner, and one of you will be going home.” It’s just awkward.

Anyway, they tell Jerell he’s safe, and Mondo and Rami that they have the highest scores. Rami wins, and Mondo is in. Gordana is also safe.

So it’s Sweet P or Elisa. Sweet p has a lot of talent but needs to listen to her instincts. Elisa’s designs need to speak for themselves instead of being explained in whackadoo terms like “sacred geometry.”

Naturally, Sweet P is in and Elisa is out.

This season: Hopefully that dodgeball will hit them in the face. When will the judges notice that she just makes one dress? UN! Miss Piggy! Is she an All Star, that’s what I’d like to know. And a bunch of other shit.