Project Runway All Stars: This Little Piggy Went to Parsons

Goodbye, Gordana
No Heidi to blame this time
Just a pig nightgown

And there went another person whose All Star status raised a few eyebrows. Sure, she made it to nearly the end of her season, but do you remember that season? It was awful!

I’ve never been a big Gordana fan – I’ve always thought that most of her clothes looked like they were made for a clientele comprised largely of Eastern European hookers – and while I did think Heidi was really mean and unfair to her during her own season, there’s clearly none of that going on here. The three looks she’s made were variously cheap looking and – an even worse sin – forgettable. She just couldn’t stand up against this stronger field.

The challenge itself was fun – I can’t even imagine how much I’d lose it if I got to meet Miss Piggy – but I kind of wish they’d done a bit more with it. It felt a little bit flat in some parts, and really, when it comes right down to it, that could’ve been fixed with one thing: more Muppet.

Let’s just go to this, shall we? I’m still in a Nyquil fog, so I’m not thinking clearly enough to write a coherent introduction.

We open at Parsons, where the UnHeidi greets the designers from the runway. She tells them that this week they’ll be creating a flamboyant cocktail dress “for one of the most famous fashionistas in the world.” She lists off the labels that have designed exclusively for the lady in question… and it’s Miss Piggy.

Kenley thinks her nieces will flip, and April thinks it’s awesome. UnHeidi tells them that they’ll be making her a dress to wear while she promotes her new movie The Muppets. This is where you see the seams on this season start to show – it was supposed to launch back in November, when The Muppets still would’ve been a current release. And I had at least hoped that the delay would mean we’d see a picture of Piggy wearing the winning dress, but alas.

Anyway. They’ll design on their models, and the winning dress will be modified for Piggy, who will be the guest judge. Michael C says this is his dream client. They have $150 and the rest of the day to get it together.

Back at the 1407 workspace, they have 30 minutes to sketch. Mila is going for a sixties Mod look. Kenley says Miss Piggy reminds her of herself, and April likes that she has a va-va-voom about her. Michael C. says that he and his 7 year old son love the Muppet Babies.

And it’s off to Mood with 30 minutes to shop. Austin is working with a “pink bow concept.” Gordana notices a lot people buying black, and she and Austin are going for pink. Time! They head out. “Alright Mood. I’ma holler atcha,” Anthony says.

Back in the workroom. Gordana is creating a “youthful, free flowing” outfit that will show “the feminine side of za vuhman.” Or of za pig, as it were. Mondo thinks her dress is beautiful, but too quiet for this challenge.

Then Mondo and Kara fight over a pair of gloves from the accessory wall. Mondo gives them up to her, but he’s really pissed off. Oh, show, don’t make me choose between them! They’re two of my favorites. Commercial.

Back. Austin can’t wate to meet Miss Piggy in person (or in pig, as it were). Mila has mixed feelings about the challenge: she loves the Muppets but wonders about adapting her aesthetic to Miss Piggy. Kara wants to sex Miss Piggy up a bit. Rami is making a flirty and colorful dress – I love the hell out of his fabric – but Michael C. thinks he’s being too safe. Anthony thinks Miss Piggy is a lady, so his dress will be perfect because his motto is “being a lady is never out of style.”

April is focusing and refusing to speak with people. Kenley is incorporating her retro style with an animal print. She and Kara talk about animal print as Mila looks on disapprovingly – Mila doesn’t need weak things like encouragement or friendship or conversation.

Joanna Coles enters and begins her Joanna-thru with Gordana, who wants to show off Miss Piggy’s legs. Joanna’s getting “a bit of a nightgown vibe” from the dress, which … now that she’s said it, I can’t unsee it. It’s the fabric and the neckline. She tells Gordana that “comfort, when you’re dressing a mega-celebrity like Miss Piggy, shouldn’t matter.” You know why else, comfort shouldn’t matter, folks? She’s a Muppet. What should matter is if her skirt can be adapted to cover the dude with his hand up her ass.

She likes the detailing on Mila’s dress, but reminds her to take Piggy’s “two big ears” into account if she goes forward with her headband plan. Austin thinks Mila’s dress is too severe. Joanna asks Kenley how a pig would feel about wearing a giraffe print, and Kenley points out that she wears a lot of leopard.

Austin tells Joanna that “as long as I can remember” Miss Piggy has been an inspiration to him. Oh, Jesus take the wheel. Joanna’s a bit concerned that his bow-effect dress may look like she’s giftwrapped. She tells Mondo to keep his focus – I love his fabric too. Joanna takes her leave of them, adjuring them “don’t disappoint Miss Piggy.” It's like Tim's "don't bore Nina," but with more felt.

The models arrive with an hour left to the end of the day. Anthony thinks Michael’s design looks very amateur, and can’t deal with the “bubbles on the boobs.” Gordana has stuck with her nightgown plan.

Five minutes left. Mondo thinks his dress looks heavy and overthought. He’s really going to have to hustle tomorrow. Kara and Kenley discuss things again, which makes Mila say they’re becoming “quite codependent, actually.” Holy cow, you sour monster. They speak to each other. It’s not a like they’re weeping on each other’s shoulders, holding each other up. Commercial.

Back. That night at Flatotel, Rami, Kenley, and Kara are laughing. Don’t do it, guys – Mila will kill you.

The next morning, they head back to their workspace. Rami thinks all of the dresses are interesting and unique. Austin is nervous about the amount of work he still has left. Michael C. thinks Austin will be going home for this challenge. Anthony almost ate bacon that morning.

The models arrive for the fitting. Austin has apparently lifted all the accessories Kara had in mind. She gets them back and he says she’s stealing her accessories. Kenley feels confident that she’ll win, but April says her dress is exactly like the ones she’s done, but in giraffe print.

Hair and makeup flurry, and then back down to the workroom. Jerrel says Miss Piggy’s “bacon’s gonna sizzle when she sees my look.” Everyone is all manner of amped about meeting Miss Piggy, which honestly? I love, because I’d feel the same way in their shoes. “It’s time to get things started for Miss Piggy’s dress tonight,” Austin says. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi welcomes them to the runway and says something ridiculous about how the line “one day you’re in and the next you’re out” has never been more true than on All Stars. I feel like RealHeidi said that at one point too, and I was equally ticked off with that. It’s never “more true” than it is other days. One day you’re in, the next you’re out. It’s just true. It’s not more true or less true (except during the weeks they don’t eliminate anyone, when it’s patently false), it’s just the rule of the game.

She introduces the judges – Mrs. Weinstein, Costume Designer Eric Daman, and “International Superstar Miss Piggy.”

Show. Michael C. has interpreted “flamboyant cocktail dress” as “Vegas cocktail waitress costume.” It is cheap, cheap, cheap, and gaudy, gaudy, gaudy. April has made a LBD with what she calls a “Tim Burton Feel” to it Jerell’s dress is a pink thing with a mullet skirt and fluffy epaulettes. Kara’s is a tragic black hooker costume with cut outs below the boobs.

Kenley has made a typical party dress in her pink giraffe print – it’s cute, but she’s paired it with a ridiculous hat. Anthony has made a nice black dress with a mullet skirt and some sheer insets

Rami’s dress is a white flamenco feel number with pink and orange spots. Mila has made a very basic mod mini dress – I like it, but it’s nothing special, and she says she could see it on a lot of “Hollywood A listers on the red carpet.” Which is…nice, I suppose, but your challenge was to design for Miss Piggy, not some Hollywood starlet at an event. Gordana has made a pink nightgown for Carol Brady.

Austin’s is a grey dress with pink touches and hip bows. I hate it, and now I worry that Michael will have been right. We finish with Mondo’s, a pink metallic look mini dress. I’m kind of sad that this is the end result of a fabric I really liked being worked on by a designer I love – it does, as he noted at half time, look heavy and motionless.

The designers file onto the runway. UnHeidi calls Austin, Rami, Gordana, Kenley, Mila, and Michael. They’re the top and bottom. Everyone else is safe.

The judges begin with Austin’s dress. Georgina says it’s beautifully constructed but it’s “not reading very happy right now.” Daman says the bows will accentuate Piggy’s hips in a way they don’t need to be accentuated. Piggy gives him a dirty look. Piggy isn’t “really sure if the dress is functional,” and questions whether she could hula-hoop in it. Austin says the bows would keep the hula hoop up.

Rami says he gravitated toward his fabric because it was festive. UnHeidi says it would be a difficult dress for the average woman to wear. “But I’m not average,” Piggy growls. Eric thinks he had a lot of fun and came up with a fun dress that’s “Parisian Hog Couture.” Piggy says it’s the “most garish, outlandish, ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. I love it!”

Gordana begins by saying Piggy has made her children very happy. UnHeidi thinks her dress is very pretty, but too understated for a film premiere. Georgina says the dress doesn’t fit the styling, and Piggy says it’s a “fine fine dress” but she doesn’t know if “it’s moi.”

Georgina tells Michael he took the project in “a slightly more sophisticated direction.” For real? Well, I suppose Vegas cocktail waitresses are a bit more adult than the average Muppet fan. Piggy loves it, and the fact that it looks like “a present for Kermie.”

Mila explains the “Hollywood it girl streamlined direction,” she took, and UnHeidi asks her where the “flamboyant” comes in. Georgina says color would photograph better on the red carpet. Piggy loves that it’s retro, but it doesn’t scream Miss Piggy. It whispers it.

Kenley says she wanted the dress to demand attention. Georgina says the color’s great, but she’s concerned about the construction of the top, which looks “stuck down.” Overall, though, she thinks it’s great. Eric says it’s cute and whimsical, and he thinks the hat is great, and would be perfect to mask Miss Piggy’s ears. Piggy gets offended, but she does love the hat, which she could use to clean her pots and pans after a big night on the town.

The designers are sent off so the judges can deliberate. Austin’s dress was flamboyant, but not in a classy way (and yet Michael’s was??? I don’t understand the logic operating here). Eric thought it was ‘90s Gauthier redux, and that it would’ve worked for Pigs In Space. Piggy is hung up on the bows on the side. Piggy thought Mila’s was retro, but also a little Goth. Georgina says that Mila thought about her own collection, but not the client or the challenge. Piggy says Gordana’s dress “just kind of sat there for moi,” and Georgina says it wouldn’t flatter Piggy’s curves.

They liked Kenley’s dress, though Eric found the construction troublesome. Piggy wonders what giraffe “says.” Piggy likes that Rami’s dress says “Hellooooo, look at meeeeee!” Georgina thought he did a great job in this context. Georgina can imagine a million girls loving Michael’s dress. Piggy says she doesn’t normally wear leather. Eric picks on Piggy’s ears again, and she karate chops him. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi tells them they brought humor and style to the project. Kenley is safe. So it’s either Rami or Michael for the win. I can’t believe this. Piggy announces that the winning designer is someone who made a fabulous dress for a fabulous model….and it’s …wait for it….Michael.

You’re kidding me. You’re fucking kidding me. He’s very excited to have won. But seriously...that thing? THAT thing?

Sigh.

Rami is safe. Austin is safe. So it’s Mila or Gordana. Gordana made a really pretty dress…and that’s the problem – she didn’t push the envelope. They appreciate Mila being true to her point of view but she didn’t celebrate her client.

And Mila is…safe. So Gordana is out. She thanks the judges for the opportunity. Piggy reminds her that she really is an All Star. The one thing Gordana wants to say to women her age is that it’s never too late to follow your own dream, whatever it might be.

Next: Please welcome Diane Von Furstenberg! You only have 6 hours! This is the fastest challenge in Project Runway history. I’m just sewing and running. Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr. There was no passion in this dress.