Top Chef: Handsome Is As Handsome Does

Goodbye, Handsome Chris
You good looking ole’ bastard
Wait, what did you cook?

Welcome back, my little cheese crackers! Did you have a delightful Christmas and/or Hanukkah? A nice Kwanzaa and/or Solstice? A Happy New Year? Good times with your family? A pleasant week off from Top Chef?

I did – I went to St. Louis and got to eat Toasted Ravioli and have lunch at Steak ‘n’ Shake and both give and receive an embarrassing amount of Cardinals’ World Championship gear. Oh, and spend time with my loved ones.

Anyway, now the idyll is over, and we’re back where we left off—in Texas, with the chefs, and more often than not standing around in a field somewhere. And Handsome Chris is out, and while part of me is bummed (he was by far my favorite of the two Chrises. By FAR), I cannot argue with it. Well… ok, maybe I could pick some bones over why he, and not someone else on his team, is out this week, since it seems like they all did a pretty crap job (and Beverly even almost set the trailer on fire at one point). But his cooking has never really stood out –- he pretty much just stood around, handsoming handsomely, and got lost at the centre-bottom of the pack.

The challenge itself…it was barbeque. They’re in Texas. The inevitability alone renders it uninteresting; the fact that they spent the majority of the episode standing around pits not discernibly using any technique made it coma-inducing. And then there’s the fact that the made this stupid thing 15 minutes longer than it needed to be...seriously. I hate the super sized episodes.

The Modernist Cuisine quickfire should’ve redeemed the episode in terms of interestingness, but it seems like it got short shrift in favor of showing extended shots of the sun coming up and the chefs empty bunks.

Anyway. The morning is passing swiftly, and I absolutely have to wash my hair today, so let’s just get this over with so I can get about my day. One order of business, though: Despite everything – despite the way last season went, and the way it ended, and the fact that I bailed on the last episode to watch Game 6 of the World Series (holla) and then never got around to watching the stupid thing, much less writing a recap of it…I will be attempting to recap Project Runway: All Stars. I want to see Kenley get her comeuppance and Mondo get a victory, and hopefully learn the answer to the mystery of just when Austin Scarlett turned into Salvador Dali. We’ll see if that holds up or if I give up in disgust/boredom again.

Night. Chefquarters at the Driskill Hotel. The chefs are talking about Heather, and what her ouster means for the phase of the competition they’re in, and then Edward brings up how she won two recipes on his cake recipe. Sarah thinks his bringing this up shows a dark side, but whatever. Ponytail Chris responds to a knock at the door, and a room service cart with Modernist Cuisine on it is rolled in. Their homework is to study up on the books. They flip through, and wonder what the challenge will be. Beverly stays up late looking at them because she’s Asian, and god forbid they pass up the opportunity to show her working hard and overachieving. Erm… I mean because she’s “not going to go down without trying [her] best”.

The next day at Cordon Bleu they’re greeted by Padma and the author of Modernist Cuisine, Nathan Myhrvold. Geez, even his name fits with his philosophy – you think there’s going to be an E in there somewhere but no! It’s an H! (and probably some blood orange gelée) Their quickfire is to create a dish that illustrates the concept of Modernist Cuisine. The winning chef gets immunity, AND a copy of the book, which is awesome because the book costs like five hunny. They have 45 minutes to cook.

Modernist food flurry. Ponytail Chris thinks this is his best chance to win. He’s doing a Miracle Berry taste. Ty-lör thinks Ponytail Chris’s table looks like the Nutty Professor. (ooh, pasting that imdb link in there makes me realize that Ponytail Chris does actually look a bit like the picture of Jerry Lewis on the cover) He’s going for a simpler serving involving a cube of watermelon and olive oil in some unexpected form. Paul can’t even say molecular gastronomy. Grayson admits that Modernist Cuisine is not her forte, so she’s making tarragon dill “caviar” since that’s the only “magic” she knows.

Beverly is foaming curry cream. Sarah is making an egg-yolk filled ravioli for a new take on pasta. Handsome Chris thinks he’s a Modern person, because he paints a lot of pop-art-esque naked ladies and has a “Modern” apartment. This is dude-bro code for “owns a lot of IKEA furniture that he had the delivery guys assemble rather than putting it together himself”. Five minutes. Time! Ponytail Chris thinks he’s the winner

Padma and Nathan begin tasting with Beverly’s Curry Whipped Cream, Flash Steamed Clams and Mussels, Mango Chili, Cucumber, Radish. She shoots them in the pants and skirt with her foam, in what is clearly some sort of Modernist take on premature ejaculation. It’s horribly embarrassing for everyone involved, so we cut to commercial to get away from it.

Back. Nathan helps Beverly fix the foamer. If Top Chef was a movie, I’d call this scene rife with symbolism. They finally taste the dish, and then move on to Sarah who presents her Breakfast Raviolo, Pancetta and an Egg Yolk. Next we have Edward’s Compressed Watermelon and Brunoise of Radishes , Salmon Belly Sashimi, Orange Pulp. Grayson’s Trout Sashimi with Dill Caviar, Pickled Watermelon, Cucumber and Radish is next. Ty-lör explains his Watermelon with Vanilla Bean Honey, Saffron and Salted Olive Oil Powder. Yum. Lindsay has made Marinated Baby Octopus, Sea Beans with Togarashi. Handsome Chris has done a play on Risotto Foam, Scallops, Brown Butter Dust. Oh, double yum. I’m on such a risotto kick lately, I can’t even explain. Nathan says it’s terrific.

Paul explains his Endive Salad with an Egg Yolk. Ponytail Chris gushes over Nathan like he’s a 19-year-old Jordan Baker meeting Ben Vereen at a university dance concert (shut up), and then walks them through his dish: Miracle Berry, Deconstructed Cheesecake, Pellegrino Sparkling Water with Lemon and Lime. Paul thinks the whole miracle berry thing is gimmicky.

Nathan’s least favorites were Paul, who’s dish lacked depth of flavor; Beverly, who’s dish didn’t stand out; and Grayson, whose dish was very simple, and the elements weren’t enough to back it up.

He liked Ty-lör’s spices and use of maltodextrin. Sarah’s ravioli works in the right context. And Ponytail Chris’s dish was very nicely staged.

And the winner is… Ty-lör! YAY!!!!! I’m pleased because I love him and because I HATE Ponytail Chris! (for no real reason, I realize. It’s not like he’s done anything. I just hate his face and his ponytail SO MUCH) Ty-lör is excited to have won the books by cooking for the author, and to have immunity.

Padma tells them that for the elimination challenge, they’ll move from the modern to the most traditional kind of cooking in Texas: Barbeque. Sarah reminds us again that she’s from Texas, and loves to grill. Padma tells us that Nathan is a winner of the World BBQ championships in Memphis. Edward wonders if there’s anything Nathan can’t do, and calls him a “weird Renaissance man who’s been dropped in from outer space.”

Padma instructs the chefs to split themselves into three teams of three. Lindsey doesn’t want to work with Beverly, because she feels like she’s the downfall of her past teams. Sarah doesn’t want to work with Ed, but does want to work with Ty-lör, so she hops onto their team.

They’ll be serving at The Salt Lick, which will apparently make Sarah’s fiancé jealous. They’ll have all night to cook before serving the next day, and will have to do a chicken dish, a beef brisket, and pork spareribs. They all have to go on a plate tomorrow with two sides for 300 people. Each team will have $1000 at Whole Foods and $1000 at Restaurant Depot.

So first we hit up the Whole Foods. Ty-lör is pleased to be working with Ed again. Ponytail Chris is very happy to work with Handsome Chris, and thinks Beverly is a strong cook. Paul’s team is veering away from the traditional sides -- coleslaw and beans -- which the other two teams have defaulted to. Ed points out that Sarah’s Texas accent is getting thicker by the minute. He finds this annoying. For once I’m on Sarah’s side – my own accent shifts regions if I stay in the same place for more than a day. I can’t imagine what would happen if I was hearing my home accent while living under stressful situations (like Top Chef stressful situations, not like normal family Christmas stressful situations).

They then head to Restaurant Depot for their meat. Handsome Chris buys Dr. Pepper for their sauce. Lindsay is staggered by the amount of protein they’re buying. Commercial.

Back. The chefs pull up to the Salt Lick and can smell the Barbeque. Owner Scott Roberts shows them around, demonstrating how they cook with live oak and “sauce it up like that.” And then they get to try the Barbeque, which looks amazing. Paul gets nervous, because he doesn’t know how they’re going to make Barbeque this good.

Scott then gets to do a product placement moment by hopping in a Toyota tundra full of wood and leading the chefs over to the Barbecue pits. Then he leaves them there, in the dark, at 10:18 p.m. with just the wood and their wits. Ty-lör puts a “if this truck’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’” sign on their trailer.

Cooking in the dark flurry. Ty-lör is glad to have immunity, but is pushing himself to redeem his beef skills from the challenge at Southfork. Handsome Chris is wearing a wife beater. Beverly nearly sets their trailer on fire with the Bourbon she’s put in the sauce. Handsome Chris says Beverly is book smart but “when it comes to common sense, it just seems like she’s missing a few chapters.”

Lindsay says Paul is the visionary behind their team’s food. Ty-lör doesn’t think their “Asian-style” Barbeque will be well received by the Texas crowd. 3:08 a.m. The blue team’s brisket collapsed into the smoker, but fortunately they were wrapped in foil so they can be salvaged.

Ponytail Chris is cooking beer can chicken. It’s 6:30 in the morning. Bunks are unslept in. 3 hours to service. Ponytail Chris talks to his chicken. Then he sings to it. “Beer can chicken on an open pit,” he croons softly. Handsome Chris says that as the sun comes up, the heat from the pits feels like sitting on the surface of the sun.

Tom thru. He asks about the elements of the white team’s food, including the beer can chicken and the glaze on the ribs. Ty-lör points out that the red team has “Texas, Kentucky, and Kansas City” represented, so they should have the Barbeque locked down. Grayson on the blue team is so slappy from exhaustion that she can’t stop talking, and tells Tom their food will be like “sex in the mouth.”

Tom tells them that to make up for the lack of sleep, the winning team will get $15K. Edward says it reignites them a bit to hear about that.

Food Flurry. Ponytail Chris takes the beer cans out of his chickens. Handsome Chris is worried about their spareribs. The blue team’s fire is a little low, and Lindsay is having trouble cooking their Brussels Sprouts. Sarah moves away from the fire because she’s having trouble with the smoke, and tells her team she needs a medic. The medic brings her one of the bags that drops from the ceiling of the airplane, and asks her questions about what month it is. Then he says “call it,” and an ugly yellow truck with sirens pulls up. Ty-lör tells her to “let it go. Me and Ed got this shit.” The medics cart her out on a stretcher, but she’s sitting up. Commercial.

Back. 30 minutes to Service. Tom approaches Ed and Ty-lör and tells them they’re on their own. Ed says if it was him, he would’ve pushed through it. There’s no way they can cut to order with a 2 man team, so they’re scrambling to finish the portions and the beans and everything. A tray of meat falls off a hotel cart as they’re running. Edward says that what they’re doing is “the opposite of BBQ” because you end up steaming the meat instead of smoking it, but it’s that or have nothing.

Service starts and people rush in and form a huge line. Ponytail Chris does a stupid truffle shuffle of a dance while he’s serving. Ty-lör stresses about the fact that he and Ed are doing “2100 plate strokes” (7 elements for 300 people) with “four hands.”

A blues band starts playing. People are dancing. An adorable baby in a gingham shirt gnaws a rib. The judges enter.

They begin with the Blue Team’s (Paul, Grayson, Lindsay) Smoked Brisket with Bourbon BBQ Sauce, Curry BBQ Chicken, Caramel Miso Pork Rib, Watermelon Salad and Nouc Mam. Paul admits that their Barbecue is kind of out there. The judges try the chicken first. Padma loves it. Nathan says “it’s not very smokey, but very good tasting.” Tom doesn’t like their brisket, and says their Brussels Sprouts are undercooked. Scott loves their cilantro/watermeloncombo.

Next up is the White Team’s (Chris, Chris, Beverly) Smoked Brisket with Spiced Barbeque Sauce, Sweet N Sticky Pork Ribs with Dr. Pepper Glaze, Pit Roasted Beer Can Chicken, Coleslaw and Bourbon Baked Beans. Nathan says it’s a good roast chicken, but he’s not sure if it’s a Barbecue flavor. Gail says the beans aren’t cooked, and Tom thinks their ribs are really salty. They do like their coleslaw and their watermelon drink – though Gail thinks it needs a shot of gin. Everyone else makes fun of her for being Canadian, and says what it really needs is tequila.

Sarah wanders back in to the dining room and asks where she can jump in. Edward is irritated. He doesn’t even want her to jump in and disrupt the system they’ve developed. The judges come over and hear about their food, which was apparently so uninteresting that the Bravo interns couldn’t be arsed to provide a description of it. Thanks, interns! The plate is much sparser looking than the other teams’. Sarah gets overheated again once the judges have their food, and goes to sit again. Edward gets even more pissed.

Nathan thinks their chicken is well cooked and flavorful, and Scott likes their sauce. Gail likes the flavor of the ribs, but not the texture. Padma says their brisket has the best flavor of any team, but Nathan and Scott think it suffered from being sliced too early. The band starts playing again as the teams hug.

Ty-lör feels physically ill by the end of service. He and Ed talk about what they’ll do if they have to repurpose their Barbecue. Ed’s concerned that he could be the one who goes home because of Ty’s immunity and Sarah’s illness. Commercial.

Fakeback. Grayson talks about how much she loves camping, and sings some sort of moronic song about frogs.

Back. Padma calls the blue team back. No one knows what this means. I don’t know what this means, for once, and I’ve been watching. A legitimate nail biter – how rare. But anyway. They head out to this week’s impromptu Judges’ Table, which is out in the back yard or something, and learn that they served the judges favorite Barbecue! Yay! Tom wants the recipe for the chicken. Gail says the brisket was heads and tails above the others. They’ll share $15,000, which brings Paul’s total to $35K. WOW. Padma asks them to send back the other two teams.

They all file out into the yard. Padma begins with Sarah. Tom says her chicken lacked the smoke flavor, and Nathan says some of it was a bit rubbery. Ty-lör feels bad. Gail says the seasoning in his ribs was heavy handed, and the texture was off. Tom thinks their coleslaw actually started to ferment. Tom thinks the brisket was on the steam table too long and turned rubbery. Edward explains that they had to scramble because they were down by one. Sarah says she wishes she’d been there to help them set up the line.

Moving to the white team, Nathan thought Beverly’s coleslaw was ok but not spectacular. Gail wishes it had been more original, because it didn’t show who they were as chefs. Nathan says they were very conservative with the chicken, and calls it “French Grandmother” rather than Texas Barbecue. Chris J. takes the fall for cooking all the proteins, but Chris C. takes it for the Dr. Pepper sauce. Beverly gets called out again for her undercooked beans. The chefs are dismissed

Padma says both teams failed on all their proteins, and puts the white team’s failure on Chris Jones. Nathan disagrees and puts it on “the middle Chris” for preparing the rub. And Beverly’s beans was undercooked.

Tom wishes they could send Ty-lör home. Ed made bad—but not inedible – brisket. Sarah’s chicken was better than the white team’s chicken, but “not by a big margin.” They reach a decision. Commercial.

Ulch, this episode is supersized. Hate it. Haaaate it.

Back. The chefs in the bottom teams all come out and stand in a field where Tom tells them what they’ve done badly. Sarah’s chicken skin was rubbery. Ed’s brisket was steamed. Ty-lör has immunity. Ponytail Chris’s grilling missed the mark. Handsome Chris made the world’s worst marinade. Beverly sat back and didn’t have a point of view.

Padma tells… Handsome Chris to pack his knives and go. He regrets not stepping up in the group and taking charge. He feels like he’s become more comfortable in his own style by being there.

Next! We’ve been waiting for this! It’s restaurant wars. Boys vs. Girls. Where are the mushrooms? Nightmare. We’re trying to simplify our dishes Grayson. I have a feeling that there are heads being beaten against a wall in the back.

And in Last Chance Kitchen… Handsome Chris faces off against two time chance Nyesha in making a dish using ingredients they’ll buy with $20 at a gas station. It’s a challenge that doubles as an opportunity for them to jump into a Toyota Prius and show off the navigation system, and the fact that they went to a gas station and didn’t even need gas! Jesus. Ultimately her Beer Glazed Pork Sausage with a Pork Rind Twill and Chili Cheese Sauce beats his Togarashi Spiced Tomato Soup with Spicy Pork Rinds Grilled Cheese with Ham and Pickle. The judging is interesting because when Tom asks the eliminated chefs for feeback, Dakota touts Nyesha’s dish in a big way – she’s still clearly working overtime to make up for getting her bounced in the first place.