Top Chef: (Restaurant) War(s) -- What Is It Good For?

Chef Ty-lör Boring
Might be boring after all?
Spice it up, Umlaut.

Guys, I’m bummed. I’m so bummed! My chances to use umlauts in everyday life have just been DRASTICALLY reduced.

And not just that… but in a season where the bulk of the contestants seem to be subpar in terms of talent and nearly comatose in terms of personality, we’ve just lost Ty-lör . TY-LÖR ! Him of the Japanese Nanny and the barely hinted at odd relationship with his parents and the nudie pics (totally, totally NSFW).

In the kitchen, Ty-lör seemed to be one of those chefs who, when he was good, was very, very good, and when he was bad was horrid at seasoning and anything involving barbecue. But in the chefquarters, he had a moustache, and a sense of humor, and an umlaut in his name. And that’s what passes for character this season, kids. And now he’s gone.

Paul, Grayson, and Ed are now the only ones left that I like (I’m sure I’d like Sarah’s food, and probably at least some of Bev’s, but I dislike them both so much on a personal level that they’re unrootable to me. Lindsay remains largely invisible – not a good sign with only 7 left in the field – and I’d probably punch Chris Jones in the face if I saw him on the street).

Anyway. It was Restaurant Wars! Which apparently we’re meant to anticipate breathlessly all season, but due to some sort of law of diminishing returns, the more they tell me I’m supposed to anticipate it breathlessly all season, the less I actually do. It’s the same way with the “Unconventional Materials” challenge on Project Runway.

And this Restaurant Wars seemed…meh. The ladies’ food looked good. It was nice to see all the chefs in civvies instead of their coats. It was a nice twist to have them serving on different nights so they’d have to eat each other’s food. But I think it’s telling that this episode ended at 11:01 – it may be the first non-supersized Restaurant Wars in awhile. That’s how little they managed to get out of it.

Oh, and also? Even though it’s Restaurant Wars, Bravo hasn’t bothered to put up ANY Rate the Plate photos or descriptions as of 7 this morning. Good job, Bravo. Fuck you.

We open without any of the usual rehashing the previous night type prelude: it’s straight into the episode as the chefs enter the Palm Door and see Padma and Hugh Acheson in the middle of a big ole’ empty space. Grayson has a feeling she knows what the next challenge will be…and she’s right! The episode veers directly into the Elimination Challenge with Restaurant Wars. And for the first time ever, Restaurant Wars will also be a battle of the sexes – lady chefs versus dude chefs. Sarah is worried about having Beverly on the girls’ team because she’s been on a team with her before and she was a wreck. Granted, I know very few people who wouldn’t have been a wreck with Heather flaring her nostrils at them like some sort of spastic Ferdinand the Bull, but still.

Each team will open the restaurant in the Palm Door for one night. Padma flips a coin to see who will be up first, and it’s the dudes. Hugh tells them to make a 3 course menu with 2 choices in each course, for 100 guests. Someone has to be front of house; everyone has to be responsible for at least one dish. Each team will have 5 hours to cook and decorate before service begins. They have 45 minutes to menu plan, and $7500 to spend for design at Sur la Table and Garden Ridge.

Planning. The dudes’ team puts Ed at front of house because he owns his own restaurant. Paul suggests Canteen as the name. Someone – I think Ponytail Chris? -- doesn’t know what a canteen is, or maybe only knows it in the “water vessel” sense and not the “dining hall” sense. The other dudes explain it to him.

The ladies assign Lindsay as front of house, because she’s “opened many restaurants for Michelle Bernstein.” They come up with an ingredient driven, organic restaurant with a homey feel. Lindsay comes up with the name Bushel, because she loves you, a bushel and a peck, you betcher pretty neck she do. Doodle oodle oodle…

Ok, that’s not the real reason. It’s because her family used to sell peaches by bushels and half bushels. The ladies modify the name to Half Bushel. The teams continue menu planning. There’s some dire music under the girls planning, as Sarah shoots down all of Beverly’s ideas. It’s rude, but she gets points from me, though, for pointing out that beets are everywhere when Beverly excitedly suggests some sort of beet salad. Down with the death root, people. Grayson gets points from me too, for yelling “because she’s fucking good at them” when Sarah asks Beverly why she’d want to make short ribs again.

Then they head out to Garden Ridge and Sur la Table to shop. The boys buy space dividers to break the space up and make it intimate. The girls look for warm, tranquil, and inviting décor.

Next they hit Whole Foods with $4000. Grayson feels bad for Beverly because none of the rest of them like her. Ponytail Chris thinks the girls are getting catty with each other. He thinks the boys are getting along better. “Boys rule, girls are just gonna lose,” he says uncleverly. Jesus, dude. That doesn’t even rhyme. Commercial.

Back. At the chefquarters at the Driskill, the chefs continue planning. Ponytail Chris calls this challenge “The Kobayashi Maru” of Top Chef. Oh, lord Jesus. I can’t decide if I’m more embarrassed for him using that reference, or myself for knowing what it means even before he goes into his convoluted and super dorky explanation.

The boys go to the kitchen with 5 hours to cook and put together their restaurant. Ed seems to have flattened out his hair. He says they’re going for a “quirky mess hall look, but with elegant touches.”

Three hours and 25 minutes. Ty-lör takes us through who’s working on each course. It sounds like he and Paul are doing everything except dessert. Chris is putting together “nostalgia style desserts” that he and Ed created, and Ed is putting together the restaurant. He does a million things, then calls the waitstaff together for a meeting. Time.

The diners begin to enter. Ed wishes he had another half hour as he greets the ridiculously prompt diners. People begin eating, and a line forms because he has to put out a few fires with the staff. The chefs in the back have overlooked putting together an expediting plan, which is…pretty fundamental. Ed has to put off some diners while they get people through.

The judges enter, and Ed shows them to their table. The judges are Tom, Hugh, Emeril, and Padma in a pair of pants that I can’t decide if I find ridiculous ore awesome. On the one hand, they’re kind of like the pants Gwen Verdon wears under her skirt in “Whatever Lola Wants” in the movie version of Damn Yankees. Ergo: Awesome. On the other hand… they’re kind of like the pants Gwen Verdon wears under her skirt in “Whatever Lola Wants” in the movie version of Damn Yankees. Ergo: Ridiculous.

No, I didn’t wake up this morning planning to work in as many musical references as I possibly could. It just kind of happened.

Anyway, Ed explains their menu and the restaurant’s concept of elevating simple cuisine. In the back, Ponytail Chris says they have a lot of issues with the servers not knowing what’s going on. Emeril can tell from across the room that they’re “in the trees” with the food.

The girl chefs enter all gussied up, and Ed jokingly tells them “there’s a 6 hour wait tonight.” They get seated, and the judges are served Ty-lör ’s Thai Style Crab and Shrimp Salad, Caramel Fish Sauce and Peanuts and Paul’s “Ham & Eggs”: Ham and Pork Pâté with Mushrooms, Braised Mustard Seeds and Duck Fat Crostini. Hugh finds the shrimp and crab a little flat, though Padma says the shrimp was cooked beautifully and Tom likes the sauce. Hugh likes the Ham and Egg dish, but Emeril finds the brioche a little greasy.

Paul then takes over expediting. He regrets not stepping up from the beginning, but he didn’t want to piss people off by being bossy.

Ed presents Ty-lör and Paul’s Poached Salmon in Warm Tomato Water, Clams, Salmon Skin, Tomatillo Jam and Paul’s Crispy Skin Pork Belly with Green Apple and Sweet Potato Puree to the judges. Hugh’s salmon is missing the mushrooms the menu says it would have. Tom likes the skin on the salmon and the tomatillo salsa. Emeril wishes the pork belly had a spicy slaw or something with it. Tom was expecting more in the flavor department from Paul.

Finally, Ed brings out their dessert: his own Almond Joy Cake with Malted Chocolate Mousse and Banana Coconut Puree and Chris’s Homemade Cracker Jack, Cherries and Peanut Butter Ice Cream. Tom wonders where the coconut in his Almond Joy is, and Padma says that’s the only thing wrong with the dessert. Emeril’s not crazy about Chris’s dessert, but Tom likes it “in a wacky way.” “Chris JOOOONES,” Grayson yells at the other table, making me wonder how much wine they’ve been served.

Tom thinks they did a pretty good job for opening night. Padma then product places the “Top Chef Judges Table App” that the diners are using to rate the meal. At first I think this is something they’ve invented just for the purposes of the challenge, but no: it’s actually a thing. It looks like a Top Chef branded expansion for Foursquare, and I briefly consider buying it, except I already have way too much Top Chef branded nonsense in my house (what with the cookbooks and the Trivia Game and the I heart Fabio t-shirt and the Voltaggio bobblehead…) Anyway. In the back, the guys run through the problems they had with the challenge.

Back at the Driskill, Grayson tells the guys they look like they’ve been through war. Paul is embarrassed about how things went, because he went to private school and has always been an overachiever. Way to grab the chance to exploit that stereotype again, Bravo. Ed can only hope the girls screw up worse than they did. Commercial.

Back. The girls enter the kitchen for their five hours of prep. Lindsay start setting up the dining room quickly so she can break down her fish and set up her mise en place. She tells us she never settles for second best: in high school, she was prom queen, and in college she was at the top of her class. Oh dear. Now we’re finally getting to know Lindsay and she turns out to be one of those.

Beverly has one dish and will execute Lindsay’s halibut; Sarah and Grayson have two dishes each. Grayson and Sarah yell at each other about simplifying things. Lindsay heads out to greet the servers and walks them through some finishing tasks in the space while she goes to change. She then gives Beverly a quick demo on the halibut. Beverly says it’s not how she’d do it herself.

Time. The diners begin entering and Lindsay leads them to the tables. Sarah scolds Beverly about something like she’s her mom. It’s a little ridiculous on both sides. The judges enter and end up waiting at the host’s stand for awhile because Lindsay’s doing something in the back. They help themselves to lemonade.

The boys enter while Lindsay is seating the judges, and have a bit of a wait themselves. Ponytail Chris has taken out his ponytail in recognition of the formal nature of the event, and styled his hair in some sort of mushroomy poof instead. It is not any more flattering.

Hugh points out that the girls have shielded the kitchen so they can’t see what’s going on. Front of House continues to be a mess, and a diner tells Lindsay that her halibut was overcooked. Twelve people get backed up while she’s telling Beverly about this, and Tom points out that the room doesn’t have the energy the guys’ did last night.

Eventually, the judges get their appetizers. Grayson has made a Peach Salad with Pickled Shallots, Bacon Vinegarette and Candied Pistachios, which sounds just amazing – it’s like someone went and made a salad of all my favorite things. Sarah has made a Mozzarella Filled Arancino, Sweet and Sour Eggplant and Celery Salad, which contains all of my remaining favorite things that Grayson didn’t manage to work into the salad. Confession: I’ve been making risotto once every few weeks lately, and it’s not so much because I love risotto… it’s because making risotto one night gives you the perfect excuse to make arancini the next. Tom likes her caponata puree, and he also enjoyed Grayson’s peach salad. The guy chefs agree that it’s simple but good.

The judges are waiting for the main course. Hugh suspects Lindsay is beating heads against the wall in the back. The girls all scream at each other, and Sarah has the feeling she gets “right before the kitchen goes down in flames.” Beverly says that Lindsay is “seriously bullying” her by taking a lot of time telling her what to do instead of making things run smoothly outside. Jesus Christ, woman, grow a pair. How has someone who acts like such a delicate fucking flower all the time managed to survive two days in any kitchen?

Lindsay finally tells the judges about the main courses: Beverly’s Braised Short Ribs with Thai Basil Potato Puree, Apple Slaw and Kim Chi and her own Grilled Halibut with Spanish Chorizo, Fennel and Sherry Salad. Tom thinks the flavors in the halibut are too subtle, and it’s a little over done. Grayson finds Lindsay’s tone bitchy and she begins to feel like she wasn’t the right choice for front of house. Hugh thinks Beverly’s short rib is the most flavorful thing he’s had in two days. At the guy’s table, Chris Jones says its’ the best dinner he’s had since he got there. “Thanks Chris,” Ed says drily.

Lindsay comes out with Grayson’s Schaum Torte With Vanilla Meringue and Champagne Berries and Sarah’s Hazelnut Cream Italian Donuts with Banana Sugar Glaze. Tom finds the donuts a little heavy, and Hugh says they’re leaden. Hugh also finds the macerating liquid on Grayson’s torte a bit much, but Tom would drink the liquid with a spoon.

Lindsay goes back to the kitchen pissed because her fish has been so fucked up. The judges discuss the two restaurants, and the feeling seems to be that the guys were better with the service while the girls were better with the food. So it’s really going to come down to which factor they decide to weight more heavily: will this be Top Chef or Top Maitre d’? Commercial.

Fakeback. The chefs sit around in the stew room talking about the experience and how humbling it was. Grayson never wants to do it again.

Is anyone watching this Chef Roble nonsense? He looks like a dick.

Back for real. Beverly feels like Lindsay was taking things out on her. Lindsay apologizes if she handled it badly, but again blames Beverly for fucking up her dish. Beverly and Sarah fight over how much Lindsay helped, with Sarah saying that Lindsay helped Beverly conceptualize her dish, and Beverly listing every component of her dish and saying that it was her idea.

Padma enters and calls the ladies back. Padma asks Lindsay about the problems with the front of the house. After asking them if they thought they did better than the guys, Padma congratulates them, because they’re the winners.

Tom tells Grayson everything in her peach salad was done perfectly, and Hugh says it was spot on. Emeril loved Sarah’s caponata. He and Padma compliment Beverly’s short ribs, and then Tom tells Lindsay the fish was slightly overcooked.

Hugh announces that the winner is… Beverly. Grayson hugs her awkwardly but graciously, the other two look pissed. She gets a bottle of wine and a trip to the Terlato vineyards. Beverly is amazed that “the underdog – me” won against the other chefs. Ugh. I would be a lot more sympathetic to Beverly if I didn’t find her such a moist, unctuous sot. I really think she wants to be the underdog – I have to wonder how much she’s actually just positioned herself that way in some sort of bid for sympathy.

The girls return to the kitchen and call back the guys. Sarah tells Lindsay they wouldn’t be in the winners circle if it wasn’t for her, and she deserves as much praise. Beverly and Grayson shake their heads behind the other girls’ backs.

Padma tells the guys that based on the Top Chef Judges Table Ratings App ™ and their own opinions, they were the least favorite. Tom tells Ty-lör his dish was too mild. Hugh says the components of the salmon dish were good, but they didn’t work together. Tom liked the concept of Paul’s Ham & Eggs, but the crouton was oily. Tom then asks Chris J. why he did so little when Paul did so much. Hugh says his dish looked like “a jumbled mess in the bowl.” Tom asks Ed where the coconut was, and Ed tells him about two coconut elements – a powder on the side and something on the bottom. “It wasn’t enough coconut!” Tom insists.

The judges send the men back and talk. Paul’s pork belly didn’t amount to anything, and he seemed surprised that the crouton didn’t work. Ed’s dessert was probably the best dish on that team. Chris didn’t give them much, but Tom enjoyed the actual dish. He’s the only one, though, and Emeril thinks the presentation was horrible. Padma points out that he’s the only one who didn’t try to help out once things got fucked up, but Tom points out that every time someone tried to help, things got more fucked up. Ty-lör ’s dishes were both underseasoned. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells the guys that Restaurant Wars is difficult, and they may not have realized how difficult it was. Ed’s service was spotty and his Almond Joy didn’t have enough coconut. Ty’s dishes missed the mark. Chris did one dish and that’s it. Paul took a lot upon himself, but made a lot of mistakes. They all get an F in terms of organization, and any of them could go home for “this mess that was called Canteen.”

Padma tells Ty-lör to pack his knives and go. NOOOOOO. He’s the only one left I really like! He tells the other chefs he was honored to work with them, and the camera that he’s glad his dad is still alive to see this step in his career.

Next! Charlize Theron! I’m gonna have maggots. Bring me more heart. They want it to be wicked nasty. ERIC RIPERT!!!! Yay.

And over in the Last Chance Kitchen…Nyesha says Ty-lör is one of the chefs she’s really wanted to go against (the other being Heather, who she defeated handily) because “that kid was really rude to me.” She adds later that she has a “personal vendetta” against him because he made an enemy out of her. Yikes. Anyway, they each have to make a dessert in 30 minutes, using a former contestant as a sous chef. Nyesha picks Heather, since she and Ty-lör have worked together before AND she’s a pastry chef. Ty-lör picks Malibu Chris. Ultimately, Nyesha’s Coconut and Lime Tarte with Coconut Crème Fraiche Mousse and a Salted Caramel Sauce beats Ty-lör ’s “Black Forrest” Salted Puff Pastry, Dark Chocolate Mascarpone Cream, Cherries and Vanilla Bean Rum Caramel Sauce, though Tom declares both “restaurant ready desserts.” So Nyesha has defeated four chefs, and if she beats three more she’s back in the competition.