Top Chef: Something Wicked This Way Noms

Crying Beverly
Crying every episode
Now leaving in tears

Well, ding dong, the witch is dead. And I don’t mean an awesome, evil witch like Charlize Theron. I mean the wet, soppy, mewling little witch who wouldn’t die no matter how many buckets of water the bigger, meaner witches threw on her.

Here’s the thing: I know Beverly’s had a shit time of it, and made it through the abusive relationship and all. And people like Sarah and Heather were complete dicks to her.

But I can’t feel sorry for someone who feels that sorry for herself. Self pity is natural, but to live your entire life as one big victim scene.. . that’s just gross. And that’s really what we’ve seen from Beverly in this competition – any instinct she has to prove herself or to win is cloaked in a bunch of rhetoric about how everyone who doesn’t lick her ass is a bully, and how one horrifying mean chef managed to turn everyone else against her.

So adios, Beverly, you human wet nap. You will not be missed. And I will not be pleased if (spoiler alert) you manage by some minor miracle to beat any other chefs and stay alive past the next round of Last Chance Kitchen.

The challenge: I liked it, despite the product placementry of it all. And apparently the chefs liked it too, because the work they did was sooooo much better than what we’ve seen prior to this point in the competition that it’s just staggering. The presentation on some of those dishes was just flat out amazeballs.

I will point out one thing though: while they were working to make dishes that would convey the idea of blood or poison or wickedness, so many of them made dishes that would’ve literally been poisonous to me! I couldn’t believe so many of them went to the beets = blood well! Come on, people. There’s other red food out there! Just say no to beets!

Let’s spin this delightful fairy tale, shall we?

Night. We open in the stew room, where chivalrous knights Paul, Ed and Ponytail Chris are congratulating fair maiden Beverly. La Strega Sarah, the witch who only makes Italian Food, is upset because she thinks the beautiful but cold hearted Lindsay should’ve won for being the glue that held their team together. Witch, please. It’s Top Chef, not Top Adhesive. Anyway, King Tom enters and tells them they have been banished from Austin, and must flee in the night to the far off kingdom of San Antonio.

So they race off through the darkness in their product placement vehicles pumpkin carriages. Sir Ponytail Chris talks about being the only asshole who hasn’t won anything. They wonder if the girls are pissed at Bev. The girls ride involves a lot of silence, a lot of smug interviews from Bev, and a lot of sniping from Lindsay.

The next morning, they reflect on how close they are to the final 4 while eating breakfast, then head back to the kitchen where everything started. Bev tells us that on arriving, she sees "Eric Rippurt." I don't know who this Rippurt fellow is, but the dude in the kitchen is culinary legend and my secret baby daddy Eric Ripert. Eric Ripert is a famous kitchen wizard who an evil horny witch trapped in the body of a magical Silver Fox. Lady Padma is also there wearing trapped in an evil jumpsuit.

Ed notices a conveyor belt at the back of the room, and knows that this challenge is going to suck. Padma tells them that the Quickfire is about quick thinking. They’ll have 30 minutes to create a sophisticated dish using 3 ingredients (because things in Fairy Tales always come in threes -- three brothers; three trials; three wishes) that they’ll pick from the conveyor belt. The longer they wait for ingredients, the better their chances of getting a good one are… but the less time they’ll have. The winner will get the magical gift of immunity.

Conveyor flurry. Lindsay decides to grab basic pantry staples first. Ed grabs macadamia nuts and sauerkraut. Then he realizes he has to use both. Sarah is hanging out net to the conveyor waiting for things. Grayson starts a carrot and white wine sauce and hopes for a good piece of fish to go with it. Chris sees lobster and runs after it, but it gets taken off the conveyor before it comes up again.

Fifteen minutes. Paul grabs saffron, bread, and bitter melon. Chris keeps waiting for the lobster to come back around, swearing a lot. Sir Ponytail Chris is more like the clumsy squire than a gallant knight in this scenario. Grayson grabs goldfish crackers. Beverly starts creating a dish with pantry ingredients. Sarah is still waiting for anything, and grabs saltine crackers.

Here come the lobsters again… and once again Sir Ponytail Chris is too slow for them. Haha. Asshole. Beverly grabs rice krispies, tofu, and black eyed peas. Chris runs for the lobster a third time and manages to snag one. Lindsay grabs a grouper and clams to make Bouillabaisse. Grayson gets her fish. Time! Beverly starts crying because she forgot to put the curried rice krispies onto her plate…and because she’s Beverly, and crying is what she does. Commercial.

Back. Padma and Eric Ripert make their way around the enchanted kitchen to see what sort of wizardry the chefs have worked. Ed explains his Sauerkraut Soup, Shrimp with Shaved Truffle. Ok, I love sauerkraut, but the idea of sauerkraut soup makes me want to hurl. Chris made Butter Poached Lobster with Foie Gras. Padma says that the cauliflower brings out chocolate notes. Grayson’s dish is Butter Poached Dover Sole with Goldfish and Rosemary. Padma thinks using the goldfish crackers on fish is kind of clever, and asks Ripert if he’s ever done that. “I ‘ave nevair don zat,” he says. “You probably shouldn’t,” Grayson tells him.

Paul has used his ingredients to make Mussels in Ginger and Bitter Melon Broth. He thinks he bombed the challenge. Sarah’s dish is Fried Soft-Shell Crab with Cottage Cheese Sauce. She can’t believe she’s serving Eric Ripert saltines and cottage cheese.

Lindsay discusses her Bouillabaisse in Fennel-Pernod Broth. Finally we have Beverly’s --without her Rice Krispies. Ripert asks to taste it with the Krispies to see how it works. Ed says she should’ve just chucked the Krispies in the air and hoped some landed on the plate.

Ripert begins listing the weaker dishes with Ponytail Chris, whose “ingraidients deed aint complaimaint eech ozzair,” Grayson, who’s overuse of citrus “nom our palaits,” and Paul, because the “beetairness of ze may-lon,” made the dish unappealing.

On top, we have Sarah, whose dish was interesting and a “sooprize,” Lindsay, and Beverly, who would’ve won by a mile if she’d gotten all the ingredients on the plate. And the “weenair” is Lindsay, who had the most “‘armonious deesh”. She takes it as a backhanded compliment – though she won, her dish wasn’t really the best… but it’s still immunity. I’ll take “Things You Shouldn’t Do To A Gift Horse” for a thousand, Alex.

We veer right into the Elimination Challenge. Padma tells them they’ll have to make a dish fit for a queen. Ponytail Chris speculates that it could be the Queen of England or Queen Latifah….but no. It’s Charlize Theron, who’ll be playing the Queen in the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman. She talks about how it’s a darker version of the Snow White tale, and how her queen is pretty much a serial killer.

So they’ll have to prepare a gothic feast of dishes that are “wickedly beautiful.” Charlize encourages them to think like a wicked queen and take out the competition.

The chefs race off to Whole Foods where they have 30 minutes and $250 each. Paul is making an “enchanted forest” with beets and beet stems, aka my death on a plate. Grayson plans on making a “mutilated chicken” which will look like “a crime scene on a plate” and involve “a cracked open baby bird.” Sarah is going to make red risotto to look bloody, and it’ll have fresh figs in it. Ponytail Chris has gummi worms. Beverly klutzes her way around the store, and Grayson describes her as “like a bulldog: she little but she crazy.”

Bulldogs everywhere are now pissed at being compared to Beverly and defamed as crazy. Watch your back, Grayson.

Lindsay’s dish involves scallops, short ribs, blood oranges and dragon beans.

Back at the chef house, they all describe how they’re going to work evil into their dishes. Ponytail Chris calls his wife. This doesn’t make him any more likeable, though we do get to see a picture of him with semi-normal hair. Go with that look, Ponytail Chris, ya douche. They make a plan for the next day, and Paul emphasizes being respectful of peoples’ space and not grabbing stuff off others stations. Lindsay interviews that a couple of people have had problems in the past with Beverly jumping in front of people and grabbing things without thinking twice about it. Commercial.

Back. They have 2 hours to cook at the Southwest School of Art. Chris is making a play on the poisoned apple. Ed has the first course, so he wants to set the tone for the evening – he’s making a black sauce and a white sauce to represent the struggle between good and evil. Beverly is making forbidden rice and halibut. Paul thinks she’s making halibut to show Lindsay that she can do it. He thinks people underestimate Bev.

Lindsay tells us that her dish is inspired by something that she had when she first had when she started working with Michelle Bernstein. Sarah’s making lamb hearts, and Grayson is cooking with black chicken, which she’s never used before.

Paul burns some beet juice and coco nibs, and nixes them from the recipe.

The judges (Tom, Padma, Eric Ripert and Emeril) and Charlize Theron enter a sumptuous looking royal dining room, and toast to a wicked feast. Ed’s first course emerges: Tuna Tartare with Black Garlic Ponzu and Asian Pear Vinaigrette. Padma’s into the fried fish scales, and Ripert thinks he’s done “a grate zhob wiss zee sauce.” Tom thinks he did a great job with the dish, and Charlize could eat it every day.

Back in the kitchen, Paul is putting “bloody” handprints on his plate. His dish comes out next, and he explains the enchanted forest idea behind his Foie Gras with Bacon, Pumpernickel, Pickled Cherries, and Beets. Except for the beets that sounds awesome. Charlize loves the presentation, calling it beautiful and scary. Emeril says the dish could have problems, but all comes together, and Ripert says it’s “fantastique.”

Next up is Beverly, who feels confident about her dish. The servers bring out her Seared Halibut with Red Curry Coulis and Forbidden Rice. She explains how Snow White is the halibut. Hm. Ripert likes the pineapple. Charlize’s halibut is cooked perfectly. Tom thinks the rice is great.

The servers bring out Lindsay’s Seared Scallop over "Witch’s Stew” and Dragon Beans. Emeril loves the smell, and everyone’s scallops are cooked perfectly. Tom looks up from his dish wide eyed and says that the stew is “damn good.” It’s such a simple compliment, but the expression on his face gives it such weight – sometimes something is so damn good that damn good is all you can say about it. I wonder if this is one of those times. Padma says Lindsay may not have needed the immunity since her dish is so good.

Sarah is very proud of her dish, which is Amarone Risotto with Lamb Heart. Ripert says it’s “flayvorfool,” and Tom says “altogether it’s quite delicious.” Charlize loves the heart, and says “BRING ME MORE HEART” in a commanding wicked queen voice.

Chris tells Grayson her dish is “slaughterific”. Everyone chuckles at the sight of her dish: Black Chicken with Beets, Quail Egg, and Foie Gras. Grayson tells them that the quail egg symbolizes the baby that was inside the chicken when she was slaughtered. Tom says if it tastes as good as it looks, it’s an absolute winner. Seriously, the presentation (as you can see) is epic. They all rave about how crispy and delicious it is. Ripert suggests hanging the chicken feet from the chandelier as a souvenir.

For dessert we have Chris’s Poisoned Apple and Cherry Pie. He finishes sit with smoking apple powder. They all crack into the “blood filled” apple, and talk about how this is where Chris’s bag of tricks really pays off. Again, the presentation on this dish is just a real event, from the smoking powder to the pie inside the apple.

Tom says this is the most exciting meal of the season so far, and Ripert says it’s one of the best meals he’s had on Top Chef. While everything was good, there were a few things that were out of step, and since it was overall so excellent it’s going to come down to little glitches. Commercial.

Fakeback. The chefs have formed an impromptu band in the stew room, banging on and shaking utensils and ingredients. Beverly is off tempo on her pot lid cymbals.

Back. Grayson tells them what she said about her dish, and everyone cracks up. Padma calls them all back to the judges’ table.

Tom says this is one of the finest meals he’s had in all the years of Top Chef. Charlize Theron says that if she was a queen, she’d take them all to her castle and torture and inspire them to create these dishes every day. “We are here to please you,” Ed says.

Emeril tells Sarah her lamb heart was perfection. Tom tells Lindsay her scallop dish was brilliant and full of tiny details that made the dish. Padma thought Ed’s sauces were amazing. Charlize felt that Chris made the perfect sweetness to the dessert, and Tom tells him that this is where his tricks were effective.

Emeril says Beverly’s rice was delicious and didn’t overpower the coconut. Tom tells Grayson her visual was dead on. Padma says Paul’s enchanted forest was beautiful, and you couldn’t beat that handprint. Charlize announces that the winner is…Paul! He gets two tickets to the world premiere of Snow White and the Huntsman. I hope he gets airfare and accommodation as well, because otherwise that is one underwhelming prize. “You get a car! You get a luxury vacation! You get thousands of dollars! You get…movie tickets.”

Padma tells Ed, Lindsay, and Chris that they’re also safe. So it’s Sarah, Beverly, and Grayson in the bottom. They’ve all done well, and Tom thinks that with minor changes, these dishes should all go on their menus back home.

Charlize liked the presentation on Sarah’s dish. Sarah says she went with the luxury/royalty idea, and spent half her budget on the Amarone alone. “Drink any?” Emeril asks roguishly. Sarah laughingly admits that she has a bit in the next room in case she has to go home. Charlize thought the risotto was a bit salty, and Tom thought it was a touch undercooked. “I’m nitpicking here, because I have to,” he says.

Tom enjoyed Beverly’s dish, but the sauce became sticky. Beverly says how she didn’t want to be “wicked, grotesque” she wanted to go an elegant and refined route. Tom says that if the plate was hot, the sauce mightn’t have turned sticky on them. Beverly cries something about having something in her heart and doing this for her family.

Padma loved the idea of Grayson’s chicken, and Tom asks how she came up with it. Charlize thought the greens were a bit salty, Tom says the quail egg might’ve worked better hard boiled, and Padma and Emeril didn’t think the foie was worked into the dish well. Grayson then hilariously slams the other two, saying that Beverly wanted to go elegant instead of wicked “….okay….” and that she could’ve done what she wanted to as well, “like pasta or risotto,” but she went out on a limb, totally embraced the theme of the challenge, and she hopes the judges see that.

The ladies are dismissed and head back to the stew room. Ed says that they all did so well they should be proud of whoever goes home.

Deliberation. Grayson’s dish was absolutely gutsy, and Beverly put together a “nice dish” but held back. Sarah’s risotto was undercooked and had too much cheese. They mope a bit about what a hard decision they have to make. Commercial.

Back. Tom says that Sarah “went there” with the challenge, but her risotto just missed the mark. Beverly told the nice side of the story, but the sauce was hard to get down. Grayson’s dish was “definitely fitting” but had some flaws. He emphasizes what a difficult decision it was, and says “the queen will have someone’s head.”

Padma tells Beverly to pack her knives and go. Beverly hugs Grayson and half hugs Sarah, then says it really stings that she could’ve had immunity if she hadn’t forgotten part of her quickfire dish. She says she’s proved to herself how she can persevere through all the highs and lows, and she never threw anyone under the bus. With that, she is cast out from the Top Chef palace, never to return again…we hope.

Next time! You have to shine if you’re going to win this head to head battle. The last thing I want to do is compete against Lindsay. I want to compete against Paul. Oh, Come on…, Alright, let’s all freak out now. It’s come down to the wire. You’ve got to deliver.

And in the Last Chance Kitchen, Beverly faces force of nature Nyesha in a contest to see who can cook with local fish Black Drum, and can only make one pass through the pantry to gather everything for her dish. Nyesha thinks this one should be in the bag and no challenge whatsoever. None of the eliminated chefs bet on Beverly, which Beverly puts down to Heather “gathering people against” her again. Or, maybe they just don’t like you on their own, huh Bev?

Tom introduces a twist: they have to surrender their ingredients to the other chef. It’s fairly early, but Nyesha feels like she’s set Beverly up for success. On the other hand, Beverly has already dredged her fish entirely in cornstarch, and knows Nyesha will hate the ingredients she chose. The other chefs watch Beverly fuck about the kitchen not filleting her fish, discoloring pans by overheating them, and pouring oil on the grill.

Ultimately, it comes down to Beverly’s Seared Black Drum With Orange, Fennel, and Olives versus Nyesha’s Seared Black Drum With Julienne of Tri-Pepper and Pineapple Chutney. Tom tells them they both did a great job, and it came down to an issue of seasoning. Nyesha’s dish was slightly underseasoned, so Beverly is the winner. Fuck that noise. She says being eliminated was her “point down in the ashes” and now she’s rising back up again. God, what a tiresome woman.