Top Chef:Take a Ride To My Block (Party), That's Right

Poor Ponytail Chris
Chicken salad sandwich? Out.
It’s about damn time.

Seriously, darlings, it’s like all my dreams for this show have come true in the last few weeks. First sniffling Beverly, now stupid Chris and his stupid ponytail. If only this didn’t mean that one of them would be guaranteed to be one step away from cooking their way back into the final four, I’d be happy as a clam.

The challenge itself seemed like kind of a throwaway, didn’t it? I mean, a picnic challenge where they’re going to make really basic food this late in the game? It seems like a total waste – we started off with chili and now that we’ve whittled our way down to six, we’re getting elegant, delicious, complex food like…meatballs and chicken salad sandwiches.

Anyway. On a related but not really note? I finally – FINALLY – got to eat at Perilla this weekend, satisfying a dream of many years and noshing down on Harold Dieterle’s food (sadly, I didn’t get the chance to nosh on Harold, but ah well. If all our dreams came true, we’d have nothing left to aspire toward). It was a terrific experience, and I tried to take pictures for you, but it was too dark (and I have enough qualms about being “that guy” taking pictures of my food – I’m not about to be “that guy” using a flash to do so. Also, I only had my phone with me).

If I had to do a side-by-side comparison, I’d probably rank it just below Woodfire Grill (my only other fine dining Top Chef experience to date), but that’s a tough call, and it’s swayed by a few things: 1) I ordered off the 3 course Restaurant Week menu at Perilla, so there were less chances to “wow” me than Woodfire did with the 4 course tasting menu (similarly, I dined alone at Perilla, so I didn’t get to taste anyone else’s dishes, which also resulted in fewer chances to impress). 2) I had the chicken at Perilla, which was delicious, but I’m never going to love a chicken dish as much as a pork dish. If I could, it might’ve been this one, because it was amazingly juicy and the SKIN. The skin was brilliant. It was so incredibly flavorful. 3) Woodfire’s pastry chef is MUCH STRONGER – I had Perilla’s Vanilla Bean Bread Pudding, which had nice flavors, but was dry as hell.

But honestly? My starter at Perilla was the Founder’s Sweet Potato Soup, and – this will sound like hyperbole, but – that soup was transcendent. I would pay the $35 Restaurant Week charge for that soup alone. Yep. I said it. $35 for soup. And I am poor. And it would be totally, totally worth it. (I also had the Perilla 75 cocktail before dinner, and that was quite delicious).

And now…let’s step away from this discussion of Top Chefs of yore and get back to last night’s episode, which didn’t involve any delicious cocktails, or transcendent soups, or Harold. Sigh. And which, for some reason, the Bravo interns have yet to post ANY photographs from. I hate you, interns. I hate you so hard.

Night in the stew room. The chefs are talking about Beverly. Grayson says she’ll miss Beverly, but no one else probably will. Ed does some sort of “I’m Beverly, here’s your halibut” thing where he throws the “halibut” over his shoulder. Yeah, it’s really terrible the way that mean, horrible Heather has poisoned the chefs so thoroughly against Bev. Because the fact that no one but Grayson likes Bev is totally Heather’s doing, and can’t be at all related to the impression that Beverly created herself in the weeks she’s spent with these people since Heather was ousted.

Anyway, Charlize Theron comes back to the stew room and thanks them for cooking for her, and geeks out about the show a little, which is so classy and so adorable. Go Charlize. I suddenly like you a lot more.

We cut to the next morning at the chef house. Grayson knows she needs to step it up with this challenge. They head to the kitchen, where they see Padma, Emeril, and Cat Cora who apparently has nothing better to do now than be on all the Top Chefs? She was just on Just Desserts in the fall. Oh, she has a new show on Bravo. That explains it. Is she still even on Iron Chef America, or have they created so many Iron Chefs through all the Next Iron Chef iterations that she’s been rendered altogether superfluous? And is there another lady Iron Chef yet? I stopped watching the Superstar season after Chuck Hughes was eliminated.

Anyway, Padma divides the chefs into 3 teams of two: Ponytail Chris/Grayson, Ed/Paul, and Lindsay/Sarah. Paul feels like he and Ed are bad luck – every time they’ve been paired together on a challenge, they’ve lost. Interesting – they’re both so strong normally. It must be a case of two great tastes that do not taste great together, like … bacon and absinthe? Blood orange and Brussels sprouts? I don’t know. Everything I can think of ends up sounding like something I’d like.

The challenge is a modified version of the mise en place race: the chefs have 40 minutes to prep 2 pounds of shrimp, a crate of corn, and make a pound of perfect fettuccini. When they’re done with the judges’ approval, they’ll have the remaining time to cook. There’s no immunity, but the winning team gets $10,000.

Food frenzy. The teams split up the tasks, and Lindsay is first to finish a task: her shrimp. Grayson talks and annoys everyone. Ponytail Chris J. says something idiotic about “fast is slow and slow is smooth.” He thinks he’s finished his corn, but has left some on the cobs and has to redo it and call to be rechecked. Eventually, he gets approved to move on. Grayson overworks their pasta. Sarah’s pasta gets passed, so that’s two tasks for the red team, one for the green team, and one for white. White gets pasta. Green is now way behind. Red finishes corn and goes to cook.

Sarah feels really good about being so far ahead of the others. Ponytail Chris finishes their shrimp. White finishes their shrimp, and gets to cook. Finally, Grayson’s pasta is finished. Five minutes left. One minute. Sarah and Lindsay are high fiving. Everyone else works down to the last second. Paul and Ed have no shrimp on their plates.

The judges begin tasting with Grayson and Ponytail Chris’s Fettuccini, Toasted Corn, Poached Shrimp, Chili Bacon and Rosemary. Sarah and Lindsay have made Fettuccini With Corn Milk, Shrimp, Taragon and Parsley. And Ed and Paul’s dish is a shrimpless thing that can’t win because they missed an element. Commercial.

Back. Emeril says the challenge was a lot of fun to watch. Cat liked the idea of the corn milk in Sarah and Lindsay’s dish, but wouldn’t have used the tarragon. Emeril loved how Grayson and Ponytail Chris loved the chili with the shrimp, but Cat would’ve handled the bacon differently. And the winning team is… the green team! Yay! I love this – I like Grayson, even though I hate Ponytail Chris, and it’s always nice to see smug people like Sarah and Lindsay lose.

Padma says that for their elimination, they’ll be cooking AGAINST their teammate. Healthy Choice and their Child Hunger Ends Here initiative are sponsoring an event – the chefs will be serving 200 people at a block party, cooking against their opponent by making a version of the same dish. The diners will vote, and the chefs with the least votes will face elimination. They’ll only have 2 hours to cook.

The chefs debate what to make. Paul and Ed are having an “Asian Showdown,” making some sort of traditional barbecued meat. Ponytail Chris can’t come up with anything better than Grayson’s suggestion of chicken salad sandwich, so they go with that. And Sarah and Lindsay are doing meatballs. Padma cautions them that those dishes sound a little on the heavy side… so because this is a Healthy Choice Café Steamers challenge, they’ll have to make lighter versions of those dishes. The winner will get $15,000.

The chefs trundle off to central market with 40 minutes and a budget of $600 (I had a typo at the top of that sentence so it originally read “The chers” rather than “The chefs.” Think how much more awesome it would be if they had to cook whilst all dressed up like Cher and doing Cher impersonations. The challenges can all be Cher themed -- "Do You Believe in Life After Lunch?" "If I Could Turn Back Thyme" and so forth. Yeah. I'd watch that). Lindsay is using lamb and veal to make her meatballs. Sarah is using turkey. Already Sarah loses in my book, but she smugly thinks that her choice is healthier than Lindsay’s. Grayson has a guy running after chickens for her. Ponytail Chris notices that Grayson has dark meat and mayo in her basket, and he’s avoiding those since he’s trying to be healthy.

The next morning. Paul and Ed haven’t slept much, but they remind each other “just do better than the chicken salad, and you’re safe.”

They show up at the CIA (not that one) with 2.5 hours to cook for 200 people. Ponytail Chris is making tofu mayonnaise. Burf. He says he’s tricked people into thinking it is mayo in the past. Lindsay is stressed and wearing a jaunty cap. Ed is making kimchi and chipotle puree to use in place of ketchup. Paul is using turkey in his kalbi sam (Korean lettuce wrap). Neither he nor Ed have ever been to a block party.

Five minutes remaining. Ponytail Chris is making sandwiches, and Grayson still hasn’t mixed her chicken. A chair gets in Ponytail Chris’s way, and he throws it. Fucking chair, playing dirty and trying to sabotage Ponytail Chris! Commercial.

Back. The chefs race around some sort of Healthy Choice branded picnic ground with 45 minutes to get ready. There are bees everywhere, apparently. Ponytail Chris thinks Grayson is taking a risk doing everything to order. Paul thinks Ed will be in the weeds because he’s making bread for 200 from scratch. Time!

The diners enter and donate food to the San Antonio Food Bank before heading off to the tables. There’s some delightful smack talk between the chefs as the diners get their food. Ed has set up his station as serve-yourself. It seems a bit hectic. Grayson gets backed up because of her make-to-order plan. Ponytail Chris starts freaking out about bees, because he swells up when he gets “bit” by them. The bees basically terrorize him away from his station. Conspiracy! The bees and the chairs have teamed together to ruin Chris’s service! (If this happened to Beverly, we’d be told – tearfully – that the bees and chairs had been turned against her by Heather)

The judges enter and are greeted by Ryan Scott from Season 4. Aw, remember him, with the cuteness and the parents who forced him into child labor? He’s some sort of “Healthy Choice Flavor Ambassador” now. Because that’s a thing. I wonder if he has diplomatic summits with Kelly Kiloren Bensimon in her capacity as Ambassador of Wool. Anyway, the judges make a donation, then head to the stations, where Padma introduces guest diner Dana Cowin. I feel like this is the second or third time lately where they’ve dragged Dana Cowin as a “guest diner” without letting her really judge anything. Wonder who she pissed off. Paul introduces his Turkey Kalbi, Eggplant with White Peach Kimchi. Next up is Ed’s Open Faced Kalbi, Kimchi Chipotle Puree, Pickled Cucumber and Daikon.

Emeril thinks Paul was brilliant to use turkey. Cora says he did the right things to build flavor versus fat, however Padma says Ed’s dish was hard and dry.

Next up is team chicken salad, with Grayson’s Chicken Salad Sandwich with Arugula, Pickled Red Onion, Watermelon Feta Salad with Pumpkin Seeds and Ponytail Chris’s Chicken Salad Sandwich with Tofu “Mayo,” Watermelon Fruit Salad with Pineapple Ice. Emeril is taken aback that they chose chicken salad, but likes that Grayson did hers to order. Dana says it didn’t have a whole lot of flavor. Tom thinks Ponytail Chris’s tofu idea was great, but the bread is drying out. Padma thought his watermelon salad was more flavorful, but Cat calls it “dry ice.”

Finally we have the meatball girls. Sarah introduces her Calabrese Style Turkey Meatball and Vegetable Salad, and Lindsay talks about her Mediterranean Meatball, Lemon Yogurt, Black Eyed Peas and Quinoa Salad. Emeril loves the sauce on Sarah’s and Tom loves the salad, though Dana does not. Cat loves the crunch of pita in Lindsay’s salad, and Tom loves the flavor in her meatball. Dana says she’s actually been “healthy, tasty, and original.” We see the diners voting.

Dana says that the two healthiest dishes they had today were the best ones they ate. Padma is interested to see what the guests prefer. Ed is worried that he’s going to have to defend himself. Commercial.

Fakeback. Paul has lucky socks or something. Hi-larious.

Back. The chefs are in the stew room, talking about what a tough day it’s been and how cool it was that Dana Cowin was there. Padma enters and calls in Grayson, Paul, and Lindsay.

Padma tells them that they got voted the winners of their head to head battles. Emeril thought Paul’s dish was perfect, and Tom says he should bottle his hot sauce. Cat Cora compliments Grayson’s made to order technique. Tom calls Grayson out for making a chicken salad sandwich against “potentially more exciting” dishes. “Like a meatball?” she says pointedly. ZING. Good job, lady. Anyway, moving along, Emeril loved the lemon aspect, and thought Lindsay’s meatball was seasoned “perfect,” and Cat Cora thought it was phenomenal.

And the winner is… Paul! Yayyyyyy! He gets another $15,000. Seriously, Paul wins all the money. Padma asks them to send back their colleagues.

The other three chefs congratulate Paul and then truck back to the table room. Grayson feels like she got brutalized, and feels like she should be in with the losers.

Padma tells the others they all lost their head to head battles, and one will be going home. Padma calls Ed out for replacing the empty calories in rice with the empty calories in bread. Tom says trimming the fat on the shortribs was a mistake.

Tom admits he thought Ponytail Chris’s choices were healthier than Grayson’s, but the bread dried out because he made them ahead of time. Emeril’s watermelon had ice in it.

Cat didn’t taste the apricot in Sarah’s, and thought she could’ve lost the cheese. Tom tells her about the inconsistency with Dana getting shorted on her salad.

They get sent back. Padma says she felt for them in the conditions. Tom said Sarah lost out because she went up against Lindsay’s exceptional meatball. Emeril says that Ponytail Chris’s chicken salad was dry, his bread was dry, and the tofu emulsion leeched flavor out. Tom says that Ponytail Chris is all ideas and no execution. The more they talk about Chris’s dish, the worse they make it sound – they started off at the party making it seem better than Grayson’s, and now that he’s been voted in the bottom it was DRY and AWFUL and the tofu SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF IT. To wrap things up, Cat hated Ed’s dish, and Tom thought his excuses were bullshit. Argh. I do not want Ed to go home. Commercial.

At some point, they roll the names of the chefs you can vote for for fan Favorite across the screen, and I notice Andrew. There was an Andrew this season? Really? I have no memory of him. Oh, this one. Ok. No wonder I don’t remember him.

Back. Tom tells Sarah that she went up against a tougher opponent; Ponytail Chris made an unhealthy choice in letting his sandwiches sit in the sun; and Ed missed the mark in just cutting fat off his dish.

Padma tells... Ponytail Chris to pack his knives and go! Hallelujah! I was convinced it was going to be Ed. Ponytail Chris says he made stupid mistakes and will miss being there.

Grayson feels like him going home is her fault for suggesting chicken salad. Ed says it should’ve been him. Ponytail Chris feels like he’s learned a lot from a lot of great chefs. He’s happy he stayed true to himself as “the crazy creative chef.”

Next: PEE WEE HERMAN!!! We’re like a biker gang! Time is ticking away and I have to walk out. Grayson’s following me around. That’s not cool, especially in an elimination challenge. Guilty!

And in the Last Chance Kitchen… Ponytail Chris meets up with Beverly in Battle “They’re Both Awful So There Are No Winners Here” to do a classic Top Chef Mystery Box Challenge. The hilarious part happens before the even challenge when Ponytail Chris goes down to the house kitchen and waits there for ten minutes before realizing the note was summoning him to the Top Chef kitchen. The second hilarious part happens when he chokes up at seeing Richie for the first time in weeks. Anyway, their initial ingredients are marshmallows, pine nuts, parsnips, cinnamon, buttermilk and lamb chops. The second box has radicchio, and the third has white anchovies. Ultimately Beverly’s Grilled Lamb Chop with Parsnips, Curry Radicchio, and White Anchovy Vinaigrette beats Ponytail Chris’s Grilled Lamb Chop with a Sweet Puree, Radicchio Salad with Pancetta, Pine Nuts and Apple. She has one more chef to beat to get back on the show. Ugh.