Project Runway All Stars: The Roar of the Judges, the Smell of the Gowns

Kara, stop crying
It can’t be as bad as that.
Oh wait. Spoke too soon…

Guys, right before my alarm went off this morning, I dreamt that after Kara was offed, Mila – who, in my dream, had won the challenge for that hideous piece of nonsense -- followed her to the workspace, looking for a dramatic made-for-TV type confrontation, and ended up trying to beat and choke her to death, Chris Brown style.

I think this says a few things:

1. 1. I am more invested in this show than I should be, given that it’s been a relatively tedious and drama free season.

2. 2. I thought that the judging last night was sufficiently crack-a-doodle-doo that I would not have been shocked if they’d rewarded the faux fur mess that Mila made for the star of Coke Whore: The Musical. I was down with the top and the ouster, truly, but some of what they thought was top or bottom material seemed dreadfully misaligned to me.

3. 3, Mila kind of skurrrrs me, for some reason.

When I was jolted awake by my alarm (after an additional brief dream segment where I was walking across my childhood neighbors’ yard and ended up thigh-deep in a marshy puddle being mocked by the kid who plays Ryan in Suburgatory), I was relieved to remember that none of that had actually happened, except for Kara’s ousting.

And that….I can’t and won’t argue with. I like Kara, both as a designer and a reminder of what the show used to be. But her work in All Stars has been consistently below the curve. And then there’s the crying. Oy, the crying.

(Speaking of the crying, oy the crying, and of things that are relatively tedious – though not drama free – but which I’m not invested in, or not invested enough to stay home on Wednesday night if I have a better offer, Top Chef sometime tomorrow, poppies. And yes, I’m ecstatic that Beverly is out, again, and for keeps this time [we hope. Jebus, don’t let there be another twist where that mildewing human kitchen sponge gets to come back in])

But let’s take care of the matter at hand, shall we?

Morning breaks over the Flatotel as Austin does Kenley’s hair. Two seconds in, and the episode has already given me a new life goal: I want Austin to move in with me and do my hair. Every morning. In return, I will do all the cooking and pay the rent. Everyone is shocked about Rami going home. “Eventually, they all have to go so I can get my check,” Jerell says.

The designers head off to Circle in the Square Theatre where UnHeidi greats them, a Project Runway screen on one side of her and a Godspell screen on the other. Let me be frank: as big a theatre geek as I have been my entire life, I’ve never seen Godspell and don’t know what it’s about (though I’m told it has something to do with Jesus). BUT! I do know some of the songs, because the church I grew up going to was sufficiently strange and hippieish in its orientation that we used “Prepare Ye” and “Day by Day” in Mass on a regular basis (we also had priests who wore Birkenstocks, and folding chairs instead of pews. It was awesome, and probably why I’ve never been able to achieve the same degree of angry disenfranchisement from Catholicism that many people do).

Let’s pause for a moment and take in the fact that Kenley is wearing the world’s most ridiculous hat. I can’t even.

Anyway, composer Stephen Schwartz comes out and tells them that the winner will have his or her design featured in Godspell, and a bio in Playbill. UnHeidi then brings out Danny Goldstein, the director, and one of the actresses, Uzo Aduba. She is playing a very rich woman who likes everyone to know how rich she is. The show is characterized by a vintage, thrift store-y feel. And it’s a separates challenge, since the actors have to put it on her on stage. They have $200 and a day.

Next they have 30 minutes to sketch in the theatre. Mondo thinks this will be a tricky challenge for everyone because of the preconceptions they all have about Broadway. Then it’s off to Mood, for 30 minutes of shopping. Austin wants a fabric that “will just speak luxury, opulence, conspicuous consumption, richness.” Kara is making a “fur type stole jacket.” Austin talks about loving Kara’s roller coaster emotions.

Back at the 1407 workspace, Kenley says she has to get her curlers out. Oh, thank god, that was a curler cap, not a hat she thought was modish. She’s making a brocade top. Jerell is making a lamé piece with a peplum. Kara is hoping the judges will notice the clean lines and simple, chic aesthetic. She and Kenley dance around, and Mila complains about how she can’t deal with their “unnecessary, over the top love of one another’s designs,” and thinks they’ll have a breakdown when one of them is eliminated. This is why people have dreams about you trying to choke out the other designers, Mila. Stuff like this. Commercial.

Back. Sew sew sew, cut cut cut. Austin is excited about the possibility of having a Broadway debut. Mondo does an extended pitch for the Neiman Marcus accessory wall.

Joanna arrives for her Joannathru and talks about how exciting this challenge is. She starts by meeting with Austin. His look is inspired by Marie Antoinette. Joanna loves it because it reminds her of “is it hideous or is it fabulous?” She thinks Kara’s look isn’t ambitious enough, and that she’s not pushing herself. Kara cries in an interview.

Joanna heads over to Mila, who she nudges toward doing a pencil skirt because that says power to her. She then tells Mondo that she was in Godspell at one point. She loves the fabric of his jacket, which is meant to reflect the character’s father’s old smoking jacket. To Jerell, she thinks he’s got a lot going on with his jacket and doesn’t need to do too much accessorizing. She nearly dies over the fact that Kenley doesn’t have polka dots for once. Kenley’s also not accessorizing because there’s a lot going on with her fabric.

Joanna says she’s impressed with their talent, tells them to “break a leg,” and leaves. Kara continues crying a bit about what Joanna said. Michael hits her and says “why are you crying?” I’m sure the shoulder smack was really helpful with the tears situation. Then he and Mondo hug her.

Model fitting. Mondo thinks his outfit is looking heavy, overthought, and overdone. He’s going to rework it. The models leave, giving them a half hour more of work time. Kara cautions Mondo not to get himself in a tizzy, because she did and it doesn’t help. Mondo reflects on the tough time he had last week, and says it’s hard to come back from that and do good work. Mila doesn’t see “a whole lot of other elements” to Kara’s look. Commercial.

Back. It’s the next day, and they head back to the workroom. Mondo says he has to go through a dark place to make himself work harder, so he tells himself he’s stuck to push himself. Mila is working on the fur jacket, and feels like a “crazy cat woman.” As a crazy cat woman, I object to Mila’s derision. Austin doesn’t have time to finish things the way he needs to. Then he gets upset about Jerell using the machine he wanted.

The models enter for their final fitting. Michael has to make straps to keep his model’s shoes on. The models go and get their hair and makeup done with the usual product placement nonsense and flood of terms like “old Hollywood glamour.”

Ten minutes remaining. Kara body checks Kenley’s model. Mondo thinks Kara pushed her look right up to the edge, but not over. Austin doesn’t get “bitchy drama queen” from Michael C.’s (he calls him Michael C too! I realize I’ve finally broken myself of the habit, but it’s nice to know that Austin’s in that boat with me. Clearly this means he should come and live with me and do my hair every morning) he gets “mother of the bride.” Mila is piling accessories on her look, which Jerell thinks looks like a “girl who can’t get into the club.” Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi comes onto the runway wearing a dress that looks like poured silver. “Ooooh,” the designers say, showing interest in UnHeidi for the first time ever. The judges are Mrs. Weinstein, Isaac, and Sutton Foster. Sutton Foster is adorable.

The show opens with Michael Costello’s look, which is a costume for the Ambassador of Lettuce from Salad: the Musical or something. “I wanna know who she is,” he says. Um, Michael, I just told you. She’s the Ambassador of Lettuce. Dur.

Kenley’s is next, with her costume for Vintage Store: The Musical. I LOVE the jacket. It’s the bomb. Not 100% crazy about the way the prints work together, but I get it. My real concern is that it’s maybe more actual clothes that someone with total balls about combining prints would wear in real life than it is a costume.

You can really kind of see the French “decadent aristocrat” influence in Austin’s costume in Let Them Eat Cake! The Musical, which is a rock-opera-bio of Marie Antoinette, but re-set to take place in the modern day club scene. Seriously, though, it’s pretty awesome – the modern elements and the over the top brocades he’s used work really nicely together.

Jerell has made a costume for Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest: the Musical. This is what Joan wears at the mid-point of the second act, when she brings down the house with her rousing solo “Don’t Fuck With Me, Fellas!”

Kara’s…Ok, the skirt is fine, I don’t love the way the stole works for it because it bulks the whole thing up, and it may be a bit too normal. It’s like a costume for Here Are Some Clothes I Found: The Musical.

Mondo has mande an insanely gorgeous Belle Epoque loungey masterpiece that the heroine wears in Klimt’s “The Kiss”: The Musical. In motion, it has the same kind of poured metal effect that UnHeidi’s dress did when she came out onto the runway.

Mila has made a terrible skirt and a cheap looking faux fur jacket for the secondary lead to wear in Lookin’ For a Good Time, Fellas?: The Musical. The character who wears this makes a splashy enterance in the first act as part of the group singing the splashy tune “No Names and No Kissing” and dies in the second after the mournful ballad “There’s Bugs Under My Skin.” Mila says it’s a “notice me outfit.” I say it’s a “drug addled hooker from the ‘80s” outfit.

Jerell is the only one UnHeidi asks to step forward. He’s safe. The rest are either the top or the bottom, and this is where the whole experiment goes slightly catty-wampus in my eyes.

The judges begin with Michael, who tried to put “humor” into his outfit. “It’s very lovely. I wish it was slightly more eccentric,” Mrs. Weinstein says. Wait, they like this? This embarrassing piece of shit? The Ambasador of Lettuce dress is in the top? For reals? I guess so, because Sutton says it draws her eye and she looks like a rich party girl.

Isaac tells Kenley she’s flying in their faces a bit, and she needs to tweak it a little bit. Mrs. Weinstein says she cut the coat really well, but there might be one too many elements. Sutton Foster wants to wear it in real life, but thinks on stage it will blend rather than pop. UnHeidi doesn’t think she looks rich enough.

Mrs. Weinstein thinks Austin did a great job, as does Sutton. UnHeidi loves the silhouette, but Isaac thinks it borders on too young. He really likes it though, and this is where we get the “Scarlet/Starlet” confrontation we’ve been seeing since the “This Season On” montage in the first episode. It’s much less adversarial than it seems in the previews. Seriously, you could write a book on the misleading way Lifetime cuts their promos – the preview could show Mila chasing one of the other designers with a knife screaming “I want you to die!!!!!” and in the episode, the rest of the sentence would go “….of happiness when you eat a slice of this delicious birthday cake I’ve made you.”

Isaac likes the pieces of Mila’s (seriously? You like that dustrag skirt and mangey coat?), but doesn’t think they work together. Sutton Foster says it borders on “Someone who might walk the streets,” and says it feels gaudy, not wealthy.

Mondo explains his smoking jacket inspiration. Isaac says the model is “so sexy in a crazy passive aggressive way.” And there again we have a new life goal – be “sexy in a crazy passive aggressive way” rather than just “crazy and passive aggressive.”. Mrs. Weinstein loves the layering of the fabrics.

Finally, Kara explains her inspiration. UnHeidi loves the red pop of the skirt, but finds the bow in front bulky. Isaac says it’s the best she’s done, but it needs to go further. Mrs. Weinstein says there are little issues that throw her, like the angle on the skirt slit. UnHeidi thanks them and sends them off.

The judges begin with the favorites, like Michael’s which reminds UnHeidi of the Chiquita Banana Woman. This is apparently a good thing, now. Something that reminds you of Chiquita Banana is a good thing. Sutton Foster says his outfit doesn’t let her know who the character is. Isaac says Mondo’s dress is so gorgeous it could’ve taken 2 weeks. Mrs. Weinstein says you always feel like he knows his woman. They love Austin’s too.

On the bottom, they “go directly to Mila’s look.” “She looks like she uses drugs, this girl,” Isaac says bluntly. Sutton Foster calls it “Pretty Woman…before she gets pretty.” Isaac didn’t like Kara’s, even though he thought it was her best work to date. Mrs. Weinstein says her colors and proportions make it “almost good, but not.” UnHeidi thinks Kenley heard the vintage aspect of the challenge, but not the rich woman aspect. They’ve reached a decision, and call the designers back out. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi tells Michael he’s safe. Either Mondo or Austin is the winner, and…it’s ….Mondo! Yay! He thanks the judges, and interviews that after last week, the win is so validating. Austin is also in, and assured that it was a tough decision. Kenley is safe too.

So it’s down to Mila and Kara. Mila is a master of geometrics, but didn’t pull it off this time. They’re proud of the way Kara stepped out of her comfort zone, but her construction was off. Mila….is safe. So Kara is out, inevitably. She says she gave all that she had every time. Everyone hugs her and assures her that her kids are proud of her. She says she’s learned how much she’s grown in 5 years, and how much growing she has left.

Next: The United Nations. I’m not a geography major. Are you convinced you can stand out? Why is she still here. It’s disturbing to look at. I get Communism from this dress.