Project Runway All Stars: United Nations on the March, With Flags Unfurled

(Have a little Kathryn Grayson in Thousands Cheer to kick off your morning, children)

Out? Does not compute.
The Milabot malfunctioned
Made Communist dress.

I’m sitting here this morning, staring into my bowl of Multi Bran Chex (god, writing that made me feel super old all of the sudden), trying to figure out something to say about last night’s Project Runway, and watching the minutes tick past.

Here’s what I’m kind of stuck on: none of those dresses were any good.

We’ve had shit that’s ugly before in this competition, naturally, But even the ugly shit’s been well made. Almost everything last night looked half assed and tacked together. It was disappointing, and what’s even more disappointing is that the judges largely let them skate on it. Sure, they called out Kenley for not stretching herself, and Austin for his construction, but they let so many other things go. They’re too gentle. I want to see some blood on that runway, people. The crap they put out last night deserved it.

And it’s getting closer and closer to the time I have to get into the shower to make it to work on time, but first, Mila. Yes, she skurrrred me to the point where I had a dream about her trying to choke Kara to death last week, but she put out some stuff I liked…and frankly, probably more stuff that I’d actually wear than any one other designer has. And as much as her ouster surprised me, in retrospect it makes sense. Jerell’s dress was uglier, yes. Austin’s construction was worse, yes. But Mila’s dress was both ugly and poorly put together. So committing both wrongs to a lesser degree trump each wrong to a greater one, I guess.

Anyway, let’s see how this went.

Morning. Kenley is sad without Kara and pouring her feelings out to Austin Scarlett, who gives his interviews wearing a bizarre Civil War cap. They hold hands.

UnHeidi greets them at the United Nations complex, and drones some stuff about the U.N. and its mission and how “you thought our challenges were tough” (hands meeting hips in a very timed, stilted way as though this was a 4^th grade play and her blocking was to put her hands on her hips as she hit that line), but I have a hard time following it all because this is the first time I’ve watched the show with people in a while, and I’ve forgotten how to listen to sixteen conversations at once. And also because one of my friends points out that UnHeidi looks kind of like a “skinny drag queen Kirstie Alley,” and now what has been seen can’t be unseen. Try getting that out of your head.

Anyway, their challenge is to design a dress designed by one of the flags behind UnHeidi. They’re a range of countries, representing each of the different regions of the world. As last week’s winner, Mondo gets to pick first and he takes Jamaica. He lets Michael C. go next, and he picks Greece, because he is Greek, and because this way he can get away with making yet another draped grown. He does a little “Opa” dance on his way back to the group. Mila takes Papua New Guinea. Jerell selects India. Austin takes the Seychelles, leaving Kenley with Chile.

They’ll each have $200 at Mood, but first they have some time to sketch at the U.N. They all get little dossiers on their country. Mila is going to try to give her look a touch of tribal effect, but not too much. Austin wants to invoke a “tropical paradise” with his design.

Then they’re off to Mood with 30 minutes to shop. Michael heads for the trim section. We make an unnecessarily crass joke about the only time Michael would be that drawn to trim. Mila is confused by all the other designers “interacting” positively with each other. Milabot confused. Human emotion does not compute. Kenley is buying some polka dot material, of course, because as Michael says “the state of Kenley Collins has polka dot flags.”

Back to the workroom. Mondo is trying not to be too literal. Mila wants to stay true to who she is. Everyone else goes to the greenroom to eat while Austin continues struggling with his design. Commercial.

Back. Jerell tells us “when I think India, I think embellishments.” Hm. I think naan bread. Michael’s bread is all draped. (Erm…clearly I meant Michael’s dress, but I was writing this before breakfast, and when I went back to do my edit, the mistake was too priceless to correct)

Joanna enters for her Joannathru, and begins her fantastic voyage through the countries of the United Nations with a visit to Mondo. She likes his dress but is concerned about the back, asking “how do you wear a bra with that?” “You…don’t,” he replies. Then it’s over to Jerell, where she worries that his dress is looking “a little bit like a national costume” or “one of those dolls you might buy at the tourist office when you’re leaving Dehli.”

Her underwear fascination continues as she stops off at Michael’s station, calling his Greek goddess gown “another dress we can’t wear a bra with.” Then it’s over to Austin where she asks “Is anyone in this room droing a dress where a woman can wear a bra with it?” She finds her solace in Mila, who is making what “looks like, finally, a dress that a woman could wear underwear with.”

Ok, I understand that she’s pushing them to think about wearbility and women’s bodies, but she pushed it to the point of ridiculousness. 1. Not everyone wears a bra all the time. I’ve had plenty of formal dresses – and that’s what the three she was bitching about were – where wearing a basic bra was not feasible. Sometimes I wore something different (see point 2); sometimes I just went without. And I was fine – because these are dresses you’re wearing for a four or five hour event that doesn’t require a whole lot of vigorous activity, not an eight hour workday and sure as hell not a marathon. And even in high school and college, I had about four times the tatas that any of these models do.

2. She’s acting like THE ONLY BRAS are your standard Maidenform titsling with a horizontal back and two inch wide straps at the shoulders. Has she not seen other bras? The ones with the backs that are designed to be worn with low-backed gowns? The ones with the adjustable straps? The stick-on “cutlets” (which, again – perfectly comfortable for a few hours at a time)? Joanna! Get thee to a Neiman Marcus! There’s a whole brave new world of brassieres out there that you’ve never even considered!

Anyway, she finishes her tour with Kenley, who she’s not convinced is taking risks. Mondo wonders why Kenley is still there.

The models enter and have their fitting. The designers all talk smack about each other’s dresses, with the real gem being Mondo’s statement that Michael’s is “not ‘Grease Lightening,’ this is Greece Frightening.” He makes a list of all the work he has left to do. Kenley feels like she’s running out of time. Commercial.

Back. Work work work. The models come in to get fitted. Austin’s dress is too short. Mondo thins Michael’s dress looks like it “could win… Miss World, 2011.” They head off for the hair and makeup product placement, where Jerell’s make-up is so literal that he jokes about getting the girl “a hummus lip and pita hair.” Commercial.

Back. Runway. UnHeidi appears looking drag-ier than usual, and comes out and does –for the first time, maybe? – the Heidi math: “there are six of you now, but after tonight there will be five.” The judges are Mrs. Weinstein, Isaac, and Catherine Malandrino.

Show time! We open with the national costume of Jerellistan, where all the ladies dress like tacky warrior princesses. There’s an underdress that’s ok, but it’s gotten entirely eaten by this green drape going over it.

Our next stop is a visit to Kenlé, a small Latin nation where the national color is polka dots, the primary export is ruffles, and the entire nation is stuck in the ‘50s, probably because of Communism or something. In all seriousness, it’s a cute dress but it has nothing whatsoever to do with Chile.

And then it’s off to the sovereign nation of Austinvania, where they are recognizing their national holiday of Leap Day by wearing the traditional Leap Day colors of blue and yellow. Yes, we watched 30 Rock before Project Runway All Stars last night. The dress is a standard Austin Scarlett gown, but not terribly well executed. Also, the unfortunate placement of the yellow panel makes it look like she’s wee-ed herself. (and why am I just now realizing that his model looks like Lavinia Squires from Downton Abbey? Is it the hair?)

In the People’s Republic of Mondo, everyone walks backwards. This is because their dresses look like standard, boring, Morticia Addams dresses from the front, but then have awesome backs.

From there it’s a quick flight to Milaslovakia, which is apparently not one of our boring Earth nations at all, but a secret colony established by Romulans. They’ve managed to blend in well with the people of earth, but do still make mistakes. This lady, for example, has managed to put on half of two different dresses.

And our final stop is in Michael Costellogovania, an island nation populated entirely by J. Lo look alikes who wear boring goddess gowns with the backs slashed down to their butt cracks.

Since there are only 6 of them left, the judges call out all their models. They begin the critique with Kenley, whose dress Mrs. Weinstein calls “young feeling.” Catherine Malandrino likes that she didn’t go too far with the Spanish touches, and UnHeidi thinks it’s a dress for a modern cool girl in Chile. Isaac wants to see something different from her, though.

UnHeidi “feels India” from Jerells, but Isaac finds it “visually wavy and so wonky.” Catherine Malandrino says the good things disappear behind the drapery, and Mrs. Weinstein agrees that it has too many ideas and goes costumey.

Mrs. Weinstein points out that Austin’s dress isn’t quite the colors of the Seychelles flag, and Isaac thinks the ruching looks tortured. “is it a terrible dress, no,” he adds, and UnHeidi agrees that “it’s not the worst dress I’ve seen on Project Runway All Stars.” Mrs. Weinstein damns Michael’s dress with the faint praise of calling it “very acceptable,” but says that it screams beauty pageant. Catherine Malandrino says there is “too much ‘eaviness” to it, and UnHeidi is “bothered” by the blue bow. Isaac thinks it would be better without the trim. Insert vulgar joke here.

Mrs. Weinstein loves Mondo’s and gets Jamaica from it. Catherine Malandrino thinks it’s well cut, but hates the hair, and Isaac hates the “in your face” black.

Turning to Mila, Isaac tells us “I get Communism from this dress.” He says it like it’s a disease – the dress has given Isaac a fatal case of Communism. Ack! UnHeidi is bothered by all the disjunctions in the dress, and Isaac finds it “disturbing to look at in certain ways.”

They send the designers out so they can deliberate, and begin, as usual, with their favorites. Mondo showed thought and restraint, but he might be playing it safe. UnHeidi thought Kenley’s was modern and fun, and Isaac thinks “the girl wearing this dress is embarrassed by her mother’s poncho.” Is it just me, or does that seem the wee-est bit racist? Mrs. Weinstein says that the proportions of Michael’s dress are off, and Catherine Malandrino calls it a pretty pageant dress. And that’s what they’re saying about their favorites.

On the bottom, Mrs. Weinstein thought Austin’s dress was flat and tortured, and Isaac says it’s a miss in the color story. Catherine Malandrino thinks it’s a good dress stuck at the prototype stage. UnHeidi doesn’t know “who can wear” Mila’s dress, or where, and Catherine Malandrino says there’s “no thought process” behind it. Mrs. Weinstein finds it schizophrenic. Finally, UnHeidi thinks Jerell’s looks like “an Indian Barbie doll,” but Catherine Malandrino thinks there’s “great thought process here.”

They’ve reached a decision, and call the designers back out as we throw to commercial.

Back. Michael C. is safe. The winner is…Mondo! He says he took a risk with this dress (really?) and that the judges recognized it.

Kenley is also in, but needs to start stretching herself. Austin is safe.

So it’s down to Jerell and Mila. Jerell gave an effect on the runway, but his dress turned into a costume. They love Mila’s conviction, but her dress was awkward to look at.

And Jerell is….safe. So the Milabot is out. She feels like she’s evolved as a designer, and will now go home to reboot her programming, and maybe get an emotion chip so she can understand this thing the humans call friendship.

Next….augh, we get no previews, because they go straight into that “After the Runway” chat show nonsense.