Top Chef: Cookin' in a Winter Wonderland

You know… I was starting a haiku for Beverly, and I couldn’t get past the first line, and I just thought “no. No more. You’ve had one haiku already, Beverly. No more haiku for you.”

And I want to apologize – again again again, I know – for being late on this. I’ve just gotten to a point where this show …

…and it pains me to say this, because for so long, this has been my favorite show. This is not just the shit I watch on Wednesday nights. This is a show I’ve invested in. I follow the 3 main judges and about ten of my favorite former contestants on twitter. I’ve watched every episode (except one) of both of the spin offs. I own all 3 cookbooks, the Trivia game, a Brian Voltaggio bobblehead, and an “I heart Fabio” t-shirt (which I still wear to the gym, even though I no longer heart Fabio). I’ve dropped beaucoup dollars at some of these chefs restaurants (either at a fine restaurant on a one-off or over the course of the many shakes and Obama burgers I’ve scarfed down at Good Stuff)…

…but it’s just not a priority for me anymore. Wednesday nights used to be locked down on my calendar – I could grab a drink after work, maybe, but I had a self imposed 9:45 curfew (and I am a hardass who will ground my own ass if I’m not home on time).

Now? Wednesday night? You want to play pub trivia? You want to grab dinner? You want to …shoot skeet? Go dancing? Well, there you’re out of luck – I hate dance clubs like I hate beets and Rick Santorum. But the rest of it, I’m down for.

I’m still watching, clearly. I’d still watch even if it weren’t for y’all. It’s not like Glee, where if I’m not home for an episode, I delete it off the DVR without watching. But it’s lost the centrality it used to have for me.

So let’s just do this. Bev is out and all is right with the world, and Bravo has loused up the "show shots" again, and here’s your recap.

We open in the scenic airport parking lot in Vancouver. Sarah arrives and waits next to a car for the other chefs. Her goal is to stay calm and be a really nice person. Lindsay and Paul arrive and hug each other. Lindsay says the three of them have a special bond, but it’s weird to see Beverly. They pile into their Toyota. Paul is trying to win for his grandfather, who fled China.

In the Toyota, they find a note instructing them to drive to Whistler and go to the top of the mountain. Beverly talks about having a lot to prove but says she has everything it takes to be Top Chef.

They arrive at Whistler and pile into a gondola which whisks them up to the top of a mountain. Sarah imagines a “skiing relay race” where they have to collect ingredients on their way down the hill.

Tom and Padma await them on top of a hill where Padma is nearly getting blown sideways. So, blah blah blah Olympics and blah blah blah culinary games, and only THREE of them will move on to the final phase of the competition. They’ll have to compete in 3 events, and the winner of each will get $10,000. For the first, they’ll have to cook while in a moving gondola. Paul is not happy, since he gets motion sickness. Oh, and at some point they have to jump out, get another ingredient, and get back in.

Gondola flurry. Paul is nauseous, but makes lamb. Sarah finds the selection a bit daunting, and she can’t get bottles open in the cold. Yeah, I’d be fucked. My fingers go completely numb when I’m cold, AND I get motion sick. Beverly is knocking things over all over the place, and making a cold dish. Lindsay is a bit worried about the challenges of cooking at such high altitude, and her burners tip.

So they hit the peak in shifts. Paul picks Wasabi paste. His lamb isn’t caramelizing the way he wants, so he cuts the pieces smaller. Sarah takes prune juice, which she plans to use to deglaze her chorizo. Beverly grabs horseradish, which she thinks will compliment her white anchovy sauce. Lindsay also grabs the horseradish and plans to use it in a vinaigrette.

Pauls gondola approaches the destination, and he plates quickly. The plates aren’t the way he’d want, though. Commercial.

Back. Paul enters the dining room and serves Gretchen Bleiler, professional snowboarder, who’s there with the judges. Paul explains his Seared Lamb Loin with Curried Mushrooms, Fresh Juniper and Cinnamon Gastrique.

In her gondola, Sarah is having a tough time gauging her time. She comes into the dining room and gives the judges her Chorizo Sausage with Gooseberry Sauce and Pickled Mushrooms. Beverly is trying to find something she can make crispy, and ends up frying some capers. She says she’d totally serve this dish in her restaurant – it’s Salmon Tartare, Anchovy Horseradish Crème Fraiche and Crispy Capers. Finally, Lindsay realizes as her gondola pulls in that she hasn’t made enough salmon, so she halves the portions and carries in her Seared Salmon over Red Quinoa “Risotto” with Chorizo. Oh, god, that all sounds so good to me.

Tom thought Paul’s meat was underseasoned, but he did a nice job. Gail’s meat was unevenly cooked, but she loved the mushrooms and snowboarder girl loves the wasabi. Tom wishes there was more of a prune taste in Sarah’s, and Padma likes the way the gooseberry gave the acid. Gretchen wasn’t expecting a cold dish from Beverly, but Tom thinks the horseradish made the dish. Gail compliments her knife work. Tom tells Lindsay she couldn’t have cooked the salmon any better, and snowboarder girl thins she did a great job.

The judges all scribble names on cards and hand them to Padma, who says that the winner of this round won’t JUST get $10,000, they’ll get passed to the final round in Vancouver, and won’t have to cook in the next 2 events. Tom says they were expecting someone to really stumble, but no one did.

Padma tells them that Paul came in last, and Sarah took 3^rd. So that leaves Lindsay and Beverly, and the winner is…Lindsay. She thinks it feels good, and is awesome to have a guaranteed spot. Padma tells them they’ll see them tomorrow.

The chefs check into the Fairmont Chateau Whistler. Beverly thinks it’s a good sign because her restaurant, Aria, is in the Fairmont Chicago. Ulch. Paul just wants it to be over with.

That night, Sarah and Paul have a confab in one of the bedrooms, and talk about how much it would suck to end up in the last competition, and how they can’t underestimate Beverly. “Beverly has already been eliminated once,” Sarah tells us. “She has nothing to lose at this point. Now, Beverly is ready, she’s focused, she is that silent horse. She wants to be meek and timid and people don’t see her. And then she likes to attack like a tiger.”

That is like a festival of mixed metaphors right there.

The next morning, The three remaining chefs arrive at Whistler Olympic Park, and see the judges with Olympic Gold Medalist Jon Montgomery. He's cute. And only 2 years younger than I am! New crush! Padma unveils their pantry…and we cut to commercial.

Back. The pantry is frozen in ice! “How do you get it out?” Beverly wonders. They’ll have to pick away at the ice blocks to get into them. They have an hour to thaw their ingredients and make them come to life in this dish. Sarah is really nervous, and doesn’t want to go head to head against Beverly. Olympic Gold Medalist guy says something lame comparing the Olympics to Top Chef, and it’s time to start.

Paul and Beverly get into a minor tussle over a crab leg, which seems like a REALLY BAD PLAN when you’re running with ice picks. Actually, Beverly with anything that could be weaponized sounds really bad. Paul gets his crab legs out. Beverly eventually gets some scallops and peas loose, and Paul gets some fruit. He ends up helping Beverly and Sarah crack their blocks, because the challenge should be about the food, not about how many ice blocks you can break. They all start cooking at some point between the 25 and 21 minute mark remaining. Paul makes fun of Sarah for liking the cold and having assimilated to Chicago even though she’s from Houston.

14 minutes. Paul can’t finish his gastrique, so he’s making a mango chutney. Beverly grabs ice shards and puts them in her pan since there’s no liquid. Sarah’s soup separates and breaks because of the cold. Time!

Sarah serves first and presents her Pea and Spinach Soup. Tom thinks the flavor is really good, but Gail says the almonds seem heavy because the soup is so thin. Next up is Paul’s Brown Butter Poached King Crab and Mango Chutney. Gail loves the mango and crab combination, but her mango is still a bit frozen. New Olympics Crush thinks its exceptional. Finally we have Beverly’s Seared Scallop with Red Wine Reduction, Butter Couscous , Peas and Corn. New Olympics Crush asks Bev if she was thinking of any of the other contestants while she was hacking away at the ice. “I can think of one or two she might like to take out,” Gail says drily.

I don’t get this – haven’t the judges all made a point in the past of not commenting on things that happened in the “aired” version of the show that they wouldn’t have been privy to during taping? Were they all this far up Marcel’s ass in Season 2, and I didn’t even notice?

Anyway, Padma says that she likes the sear on the scallop, and that she got the cous cous right.

Padma announces that the winner of the event is Paul. Sarah hugs him. He gets $10,000 and to move on to Vancouver. He’s “warmed up, broken in, and ready to move on to Vancouver.” Bev knows that this is the last chance for her and Sarah to move on. “I think I have the most drive,” she says tearfully (as though there were any other way for Beverly to say things). Sarah is not pleased to have to go head to head with Beverly. Commercial.

Back. Either the next day or later the same day, Beverly and Sarah walk around on some more snow. Beverly interviews that she’s “been bullied a lot and underestimated in this competition” so it feels right to face off against Sarah for the final spot. They meet up with Padma, who’s holding a gun, Tom and Gail, and Olympic Gold medalist Cammi Granato. Padma tells them it’s their last “shot” to move on to the final 3. They’ll compete in a culinary biathalon – cross country skiing through the trees before coming back to the starting point, and shooting targets with the names of their ingredients on them. They’ll have ten bullets, and once an ingredient’s shot, it’s not available to the other.

Beverly has never skied or shot before. Tom tells them this is the closest they’ll ever come to actually shooting and killing something on Top Chef.

So, time starts, and they ski off, Beverly moving swiftly at first before she pauses to take off her hat (stupid move: you lose all your heat through your skull) and then falling down every three steps the rest of the way. She gets to the turn around point before Sarah, but falls again as Sarah approaches and trips Sarah with her ski pole.

Anyway, Beverly gets back to the shooting range first, and shoots Arctic Char on the first try. Sarah makes it back. Beverly misses four shots at Celery Root . Sarah misses her first four shots at rabbit. Beverly gets truffles on her second shot. Sarah gets cabbage on the first shot. Beverly shoots something else. Sarah gets hazelnut on the second shot. Beverly uses her last shot on beets (bleah). And says she can forsee herself in the final 3. Sarah shoots cherries with her final shot.

Beverly gets to the kitchen and starts working on her slow roasted arctic char. Sarah follows and starts on her braised rabbit, and working on something that shows her German heritage. Beverly can’t even toss ingredients in a bowl without throwing them all over the place. She’s worried because there’s no coconut milk or lemongrass in the pantry. Then she takes the outlet in Beverly’s station despite having one at her own.

Eleven minutes. The judges enter a dining room at the Whistler Conference Center -- or Centre, since we're in Canada. Ooh, Canada. You fancy, huh?

Sarah puts out a small fire. Fifty seconds. Time! The servers take out their dishes, and Beverly explains her Arctic Char with Onion and Beet Compote, Celery Root Truffle Puree and Fennel Salad. Sarah’s dish is Braised Rabbit Leg and Heart, Cherries, Cabbage Puree and Hazelnut Sauce with a slice of rabbit heart on top. That sounds really good, and I don’t even eat rabbit (I have too much of an affinity with them. It’d be like eating my spirit animal).

Tom asks Beverly to walk through her thought process, and she does. He likes the dish and the celery root sauce, but thinks it’s slightly overcooked. Gail likes the flavor combination, and skier lady thought it was very delicious.

Tom tells Sarah she took risks by making sauerkraut and braising the rabbit in such a short time. The hockey lady wanted another bite right away, but Gail thought the rabbit was a little tough. Tom says they’re both good dishes, and they haven’t made it easy for them. Padma sends them out of the room. They end up back in the kitchen. Beverly thinks it’s going to be really close.

Hockey lady thought the cherries and hazelnuts in Sarah’s were a great combination, and Tom loved the way she incorporated the ingredients and the heart. Gail still says it’s tough. Gail just hates everyone but Beverly, doesn’t she?

Apparently, because she launches into an enthusiastic list of the “smart things Beverly did” in her dish. Hockey lady liked the beets and onions, but Tom says the char was underseasoned. Padma says it’s sad that one’s going home tonight, but they have an answer. Commercial.

Fakeback. Paul and Lindsay enter the kitchen and hug the remaining two and ask them about the feedback. Lindsay hopes Sarah can get to the final round with them. Paul says the most surprising thing about Beverly is how tough she is.

Back. This is the part I made it home in time for on Wednesday. Tom says Sarah’s dish was well thought out, but the rabbit could either have been cooked more or cooked less. Beverly went in an earthy direction rather than her usual Asian flavors. But only one can make it through.

Padma tells Beverly to pack her knives and go. Her voice breaks on the go. Beverly blabs something about an awesome opportunity, and hugs Sarah. Padma is clearly crying as they cut to her face. Jesus, did Beverly blow them all under the table or something? Why this unprecedented display of crying from Padma.

Beverly goes back and gets hugged by the others, and yammers stupid self help shit about how far she’s come and how hard she’s fought.

Padma congratulates Sarah on going to the finale and winning $10,000. Sarah had forgotten the $10,000. She goes back to the kitchen and gives Beverly a long hug, and they lie to each other about how amazing they are. Beverly cries some more in an interview.

Next “this time, Beverly’s not coming back. It’s only going to get harder. Why’d I make pasta. Is this supposed to be so frozen. Only two of you will move onto the finale.

Ok, what? That is some bullshit. I want this season to be over. Fucking Bravo and their fucking two week finale.