Top Chef: Golly, It's Cuckoo at Pee-Wee's Playhouse

Squash and tomatoes
Better than squashed tomatoes?
Well, not if you’re Tom.

Hi , bunions. How’s it going? Sorry again for the delay – I had a thing on Wednesday night, and I’m still in the “am I sick? Am I better?” phase of the cold that has plagued me seemingly all winter, so I crashed immediately when I got home.

We’ll get to the challenge and how fundamentally ridiculous it was during the course of the recap. Let me just get through the preface by saying that while I’m sorry that Grayson’s out, since she’s one of the few chefs from this season I’ve ever liked and one of the only ones I’ve liked consistently, I’m not shocked. Frankly, I was quite surprised that she lasted this long – she seemed to always be pretty solidly riding the middle, and I thought she’d have done something that got her shaken out of the competition before now.

But it’s Saturday, and I have things to do which may or may not include changing my own goddamn car battery again, and you’ve all had four days to develop opinions about this show, so let’s just launch right into this.

It’s morning at the chef house, and Grayson feels crappy because she misses ponytail Chris. Ed amuses everyone by wearing shorts with a sportscoat. Lindsay wants to win for her family.

They head off to the kitchen where they see Padma standing next to giant stacks of pancakes, the favorite food of their guest judge…Pee-Wee Herman, who enters on his red bike. The quickfire challenge is that they have 20 minutes to make imaginative pancakes for Pee-Wee, who loves pancakes, even though he’s not going to marry them. The winner gets $5000. For pancakes. If any of you ever want to come over and give me $5000 for pancakes, you’re more than welcome. You wouldn’t even have to call in advance.

Flapjack flurry. Sarah wants to win money for her wedding so she doesn’t disappoint her fiancé. Her pancakes are inspired by Funfetti cake. Grayson and Lindsay both claim to have eaten pancakes while watching Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. Ed is making pancakes inspired by the burned bits around the edges of pancakes. Grayson is making mouse shaped pancakes.

Can I tell you what a pain in the ass I was as a kid? My mother used to make terrific shaped pancakes. So I begged her to make me one in the shape of a rabbit. She did. I burst into tears and refused to eat it because it was too cute.

I should’ve been beaten on a regular basis, really.

Time! Pee-Wee and Padma begin tasting with Grayson’s Mouse shaped Ricotta Buttermilk Pancake, Peach Compote, Blackberry and Basil. Pee-Wee says it’s the best pancake he’s ever had. Next are Sarah’s Confetti Pancakes, Blackberry Sauce, Cocoa Nibs and Vanilla Whipped Cream, which he says is the best pancake he’s ever had. Paul’s Rolled Pancake with Berries, Black Pepper and Champagne Dippin' Dots is declared the best pancake he’s ever had, as are Lindsay’s Ricotta Pancake, Whipped Crème Fraiche, Marcona Almond and Anise Cookies and Ed’s Pancake Bits, Blueberries, Raspberries, Strawberries, Bacon and Bruleed Marshmallow.

Pee-Wee says they did fantastically overall, but the winner is the person who made the best pancake he’s ever tasted: Ed! He’s glad to have his first quickfire win, and hopes to start streaking late.

Padma then tells the chefs they’ll be going to the Alamo, scene of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. Padma wants them to create new memories of the Alamo to replace the terrible ones from that movie. They’ll each get a new bicycle, and have to ride them around while buying food on a $100 budget and finding a place to cook it in, and then presenting Pee-Wee a family style lunch at the Alamo.

Let us pause here, and reflect for a moment on how ridiculous this challenge is: the chefs have to ride bikes around Texas, stopping on the way to shop, hunt out a kitchen to cook in, sight unseen (we’re meant to believe, though frankly I suspect that the locations were scouted in advance by a certain pack of Elves, magical or otherwise), pack up the food, carry it on their bikes back to the Alamo, and serve it to Pee-Wee Herman. Oh, and they can’t cook in the same kitchen as another chef. And did I mention that they’re doing this on bikes?

I can’t even make fun of how phenomenally stupid this is, with all of its variables and twists and bikes and Pee-Wee Herman. This is a challenge that makes fun of itself. Why didn’t they make them wear crazy hats while they were at it? Why didn’t they include midgets? Did they run out of time? Money? Did they forget to add the “hats and midgets” line item to the budget?

They have 10 minutes to talk to Pee-Wee about his likes and dislikes. He seems to like everything, though, so really it’s an entirely useless conversation. Grayson is concerned about the number of variables in this challenge, indicating that she has at least one half of a brain. Commercial.

Back. The next day at the chef house, they’re all getting ready for their 3 hour bike ride. They get their red Schwinns with personalized plates on them. Lindsay puts her helmet on backward. “We’re like a biker gang,” ed says. They’re starting off as a group at the Farmer’s Market, and then it’s every man for herself. Paul tells us about how he rides his bike to work every day, but was in an accident a few years ago.

The chefs shop the Farmer’s Market, being choosy about what they buy so they don’t weigh themselves down. Lindsay hopes that once she finds a kitchen, she’ll be able to bargain with the owner for oils and things. Ed can’t find shrimp so he’s hoping that the restaurant he goes to will.

Grayson follows Paul to a restaurant, and finds the right door before he does, so she gets to use it. He thinks that’s uncool. The owner or whoever at Rosario’s lets Grayson work there, probably knowing that he’s just guaranteed his signage gets on national TV (and also because, again, I suspect that the restaurants were scouted in advance. Why else would we not see anyone getting turned down?). Paul gets in at La Frite Belgian Bistro, where the chefs find a spot for him. He’s pleased because everyone is cool and there are good ingredients.

Lindsay finds a kitchen at Mad Hatter’s Tea House, but leaves to go find more ingredients. Ed crashes at King William Manor Bed and Breakfast, where there’s no shrimp, so he gets chicken breasts and grits from them. He’s a little worried about his bike getting stolen. Lindsay shows up at Rosario’s to get ingredients. She heads back to Mad Hatter’s… but Sarah’s already laid claim to the kitchen there, so she can’t cook. Commercial.

Back. Lindsay dings her bike bell along her route, and finds a place called Frank’s Hog Stand to cook at. Her beef cheeks are still a little frozen (that’s what she said). And we see everyone cooking and prepping and cooking and prepping. Ed gets conned into cooking 2 over easy eggs for the Bed & Breakfast since he’s monopolizing their kitchen. Everyone is making chicken in a variety of ways.

Ed starts packing up with a half hour to go back to the Alamo. Everyone’s kitchen hosts write up tabs for the ingredients they’ve begged and bought. Grayson is planning to ride one handed with the tray of chicken in her hand so the yolks she’s stuffed the chicken with won’t break. She holds her balance better than I would, but burns her hand with the hot catering tray. The chefs all converge on the Alamo on their bikes and begin their 15 minutes of prep time. Pee-Wee and the judges enter.

Lindsay is frustrated that her dish didn’t turn out the way she conceptualized it. Pee-Wee tells them about the dishes they’ve cooked in the Playhouse – cheeseballs, parfaits, and ice-cream soup. I remember the parfait episode clearly for some reason.

Time rings, and the chefs take their family style dishes out to the judges. They are served Sarah’s Summer Vegetable Egg Salad with Chicken Skin Vinaigrette, Grayson’s Egg, Spinach and Gorgonzola Stuffed Chicken and Butternut Roasted Squash, Lindsay’s Stuffed Zucchini with Braised Beef Cheeks, Rice and Goat Cheese, Ed’s Chicken and Grits, Raw Corn, Kale Salad with Red-Eye Gravy, and Paul’s Roasted Chicken, Red Curry Gastrique, Summer Salad with Basil Blossom Oil.

The judges dig in. Pee-Wee offers to arm wrestle for the dishes. Gail likes Sarah’s eggs and vinaigrette, but Tom says it needs salt and pepper for the eggs. Gail likes the presentation on Lindsay’s dish, but she and Padma both feel she’s used too much goat cheese. Pee-Wee really likes it, though.

Ed’s grits and gravy are up next. Pee-Wee says it’s delicious, but he and Tom find the chicken a little weird as it’s “just on the edge of being undercooked.” They like Grayson’s dish, but Tom wishes she’d left out all the “salad” components, and Pee-Wee has issues with runny yolks. Gail thinks Paul did a great job, but Padma thinks it’s too sweet and needs a bigger dash of heat. Pee-Wee points out that Paul’s plate is emptier than the other plates.

And then there’s just some lame, lame banter between the judges and Pee-Wee, and they head off to Judges’ Table. Pee-Wee offers to let Tom ride in the basket of his bike. Commercial.

Fakeback. Ed hides under a chair. Lindsay explains how the chefs are like Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. Deeply lame.

Back. Padma comes into the stew room and calls them all back. She tells them they did a great job on their big adventure, and Pee-Wee thanks them for changing his perception of the Alamo.

They begin the critique by asking how they felt about the challenge. Grayson compliments the folks at Rosario’s for being nice to her. Ed tells them about having to make eggs at the B&B.

Pee-Wee compliments Paul’s salad, and Gail loved the pieces of chicken skin, but says that unless you ate everything at once it was too sweet. Padma wishes there was another crunchy element.

Pee-Wee thought Ed’s grits were delicious, but found something slightly odd about the chicken, which Tom says was rubbery.

Gail loved Grayson’s squash, but calls her out for taking off the skin but loading it down with gorgonzola and bacon and yolks. Tom didn’t think the tomatoes and squash went together. Pee-Wee says the dish was a bit big.

Padma enjoyed Sarah’s Okra, and Tom compliments her new take on egg salad, but says the eggs were underseasoned.

Tom says Lindsay’s stuffed zucchini brought back nice memories, and Pee-Wee liked the “boat” serving. Gail’s salad was a bit overdressed and a little wilted.

Pee-Wee announces that the winner is… Lindsay! She’s glad to have her first individual win, and says it feels great to get a win this close to the end. Padma tells Paul that he’s also safe. The judges will deliberate whether Ed, Grayson, or Sarah will go home. The chefs leave the kitchen.

Pee-Wee says they all failed in that all their dishes needed ketchup. Padma loved the vegetables and eggs in Sarah’s, but Gail and Tom point out how seasoning is critical. Tom still has a bigger problem with Ed’s dish, and the undercooked, rubbery chicken poached in beef fat. He’s also hung up on Grayson’s combination of butternut squash and tomatoes. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells Ed that his chicken was undercooked, Grayson’s ingredients went “a little too far, a little too much,” and Sarah underseasoned her eggs.

Padma tells Grayson to pack her knives and go. She’s proud of everything she put out and of having tried her hardest. She’s sad that she was eliminated, but the experience pushed her to do things she’d never imagine doing in life. She doesn’t regret anything.

Ed offers a toast to the final four after she leaves, and then Padma enters and calls them back to judges table, where Tom tells them about the secret Last Chance Kitchen competition. They see a monatage of Last Chance Kitchen webisodes.

Next: the chefs find out who’ll be joining them. Paul cries.

And on the Last Chance Kitchen… Grayson and Beverly compete, and those of us who’ve been watching this web based shitshow all the way through get gypped because they cut right before Tom announces the winner.