Top Chef: Oh, Canada.

Fire and ice, so nice
But sayonara Lindsay
You came very close.

I got home on Wednesday night in time to see everything to see everything from the point where the chefs are all back in the stew room after the initial Judges’ table talking about their mistakes forward, so I saw Lindsay’s ouster, and while part of me would rather have seen her facing off against Paul in the finale than Sarah, another part of me was surprised she’d made it this far to begin with, given that it took her so long to emerge as anything more than a middle of the pack player.

And an even larger part of me is so burned out on this lackluster season that it didn’t even care.

Here’s the sitch, kiddos: I promise, I swear on a stack of bacon, that I will do the finale in my usual timely and snarky manner, with results up by first thing Thursday morning. And then, thankfully, Top Chef is off the air for awhile, and let’s hope that however long that is is long enough for me to regain my former pash for the program. We’ll reassess when we see what iteration is coming back and how soon it is.

But for now, here’s the late recap of the episode that should’ve been the finale, but wasn’t. Yes, I’m totally sour about how many extra episodes they dragged this season out by having the play in round AND the “we’re down to four! Ha, we’re back to five! Ok, now we’re down to four” psych out of last chance kitchen, AND playing all the way down to the first two person finale since season 2. And I’m also sour about there being no “show shots” again because Bravo apparently hates joy.

It’s the night after the biathalon challenge. Sarah has déjà vu about Beverly being eliminated, but says “this is how it was supposed to be the whole time.” They toast each other and Vancouver.

The next day they head off in the car to Vancouver, cheerfully playing a road trip game. Paul says they’re friends, but in the kitchen everyone knows it’s a competition. They arrive at the Fairmont Vancouver and put their Top Chef chef coats back on to head off to the competition.

They arrive in Vancouver’s Chinatown. Sarah admits that “Asian food is not my forte” – like we wouldn’t have been aware of that based on the derisive comments she’s made about it all season – and adds “thank God Beverly’s not here, because she would’ve nailed it.”

Padma and Emeril welcome them to Bao Bei Chinese Brasserie. Padma tells them that for their quickfire, they’ll be matched up with some Masters of Asian Cuisine: Top Chef Masters alum Anita Lo, Top Chef Masters 3 winner Floyd Cardoz, and Takashi Yagihashi, who for some reason they’re introducing as a Top Chef Master despite the fact that he was not on the show, ever. The chefs draw knives, pairing Anita and Lindsay, Sarah and Floyd, and Paul and Takashi. Paul doesn’t like the “expectation” that he should win.

Padma tells them that each team will create an Asian influenced dish. They’ll have 40 minutes to cook, but will do so in 10 minute intervals, tagging out with their partners. The winner gets $20,000.

The time starts with the Masters heading in to the kitchen for their first ten minutes. Takashi pulls out some geoduck clams. Padma and Emeril peer in on them through a window. Anita is preparing a trio of scallops. Floyd reminds us that his quickfire record isn’t that good – he never won one on Masters. Sarah hopes he’s not working with a wok.

They switch, and the cheftestants try to figure out what the Masters have started. Lindsay doesn’t want to embarrass Anita. Paul is worried because the clam is an acquired taste. Five minutes left. Sarah guesses correctly that Floyd has started a curry base, but says her comfort level with curry is 0.

They switch again. Takashi decides to use Paul’s dashi broth as a sauce. Anita thinks Lindsay’s sautéed sausage will work beautifully. Floyd says that Sarah’s followed through on his vision perfectly. They switch for the final time. Lindsay is intimidated to assemble everything Anita’s done. The Masters drink back out in the restaurant. Paul is thrilled with the way “Takashi-san” has set him up. He adds Thai chilis since Padma likes spice. Sarah is hopeful that she can beat Paul even though he’s an expert in Asian cuisine. Time. Paul worries that he’s over spiced the plate. Commercial.

Back. Lindsay presents the Scallop Three Ways with Dried Chinese Sausage and Water Chestnutthat she and Anita have made. Padma says it had really nice flavor. Next is Sarah and Floyd’s Seared Cod with Coconut Curry, Dungeness Crab Salad and Amaranth. Emeril calls it “really interesting,” and Floyd says she did exactly what he wanted. Finally is Paul and Takashi’s Mirugai Sashimi with Yuzu Dashi and Fried White Fish. Padma says it’s a LOT of chili.

Emeril loves what Lindsay did, but thinks the sauces were a bit overpowering. Padma says Sarah’s was a beautiful plate of food, but Emeril thinks it could use a bit more acid. Padma thought Paul’s was a very brave dish, but Emeril repeats the “too much chili” criticism. And the “dish that has all of the notes of Asian flavors” is Sarah and Floyd. Floyd is glad that he’s finally won a quickfire. She gets $20,000. I hope she buys Floyd a drink with some of that cashola. Padma dismisses the Masters and we move on to the elimination challenge.

Padma tells them that this challenge will combine the “heat of Texas” and the “cold of Whistler” by catering a fire and ice cocktail party: making a dish that combines both fire and ice elements, and one cocktail. They’ll serve 150 of “Vancouver’s culinary elite” and the winner gets a trip to Costa Rica.

The chefs head out to Vancouver’s Whole Foods. Lindsay struggles with how literally to take the dish – should she set something on fire? Make something totally frozen? Paul is making a play on lobster boulliabaise that will look cold but taste hot. Sarah is making a baked pasta with a frozen ginger mousse because she knows she has to take a risk. Lindsay buys halibut even though hers got screwed up during Restaurant Wars. Paul is using essential oils to enhance the flavors, a trick he learned from his new chef de cuisine. Lindsay feels like Paul and Sarah’s “snow” aspects are a little gimmicky, and that’s not who she is.

Back at the hotel, they toast Sarah with some Top Chef branded wine. Has anyone tried any of this swill? Will it kill you dead? Anyway, Sarah talks about how her mom let her drop out of high school her junior year and go to culinary school, and how winning Top Chef will be the completion of that journey. Commercial.

Back. Next day. The chefs run up to The Village on False Creek to start their five hours of shopping. Sarah feels like her advantage is that she believes in herself while Lindsay and Paul second guess themselves a lot. Paul kills a shitton of lobsters. Sarah is cracking 80 eggs for her pasta, which she’s making by hand for 150 people. Now I feel like even more of a goon for not making it ever. Lindsay is making tomato water for her drink so she doesn’t forget it, and is grating bits of her fingers into it. It will literally be a Bloody Mary.

Tom enters for one of his increasingly rare Tom thrus. He asks Paul what happened in the quickfire: “is the competition getting to you?” Don’t be a dick, Tom. He continues being a dick, though, going to Lindsay and questioning her decision to do halibut after what happened in Restaurant Wars. He doesn’t work as hard to shake Sarah’s confidence, though.

Time passes. Everyone feels like they’re in the weeds. Paul was hoping it was one of those competitions where surprise sous chefs appear to help them at the last minute. But surprise sous chefs are not forthcoming. Instead their servers come. We get a weird Morton Kosher Salt close up for no apparent reason. Sarah is freezing her mousse on an anti griddle, but some of it gets overfrozen. Four minutes and thirty seconds remaining.

The guests begin to arrive in the dining room, including Tom, Padam, Emeril and Gail. Gail is cold and hopes the dishes will be more “fire than ice.” Tom emphasizes that this is it – there’s no secret “last last chance kitchen.” Then they joke about Bev coming back again. “She’s actually under the table right now, Emeril says.

Servers come out and begin with Paul’s King Crab with Sunchoke Chips, Lobster Broth and Lemon Snow and "The Pan Am" cocktail (Kaffir Lime, Thai Chilis and Rum). Tom says the broth has tons and tons of lobster flavor, but the arugula is purposeless. He thinks the drink is really nice. Padma would’ve liked a little more heat in it, but Emeril reminds her that yesterday they killed him on having too much chili.

We see Sarah over-instructing her servers, and cut to commercial.

Back. The servers bring out Sarah’s Five Greens Filled Pasta with Garlic and Chili and Spiced Sformato; and "Agrumi" cocktail (Gin, Kumquat and Mango). Gail asks if her sformata is supposed to be so frozen. Tom thinks the flavors are great. Gail loves the cocktail, but doesn’t think it goes really well with the dish.

Lindsay worries that she didn’t take the Fire and Ice part literally enough, so she adds a spoon of tomato ice to her dish. The servers present it as Halibut with Fiery Celery Root Salad; and a "Encendido" Cocktail (Vodka, Tomato and Horesradish). “It’s pretty firey,” Gail says. “I didn’t get any at all,” Tom says. He doesn’t understand why the kale is there. Gail loves the tomato ice. Emeril likes the cocktail with the dish, but not on its own.

Tom thinks that the chefs did a nice job, and he’s undecided. Padma says it’s not an easy challenge. The chefs sit in their temporary stew room, and reflect on how scary it was not to have the chance to explain their dishes to the judges, and all the things that could’ve gone wrong. Padma calls them all back to Judges’ Table.

Padma tells them they all put out delicious food and really nice cocktails. Emeril says Paul’s dish was “absolutely there” conceptually, and he really liked the cocktail. Tom knocks him for the arugula feeling like an afterthought. “If the intention is to make it part of the dish, make it part of the dish.” Paul thinks he belongs in the finale because he “can’t go back home without winning Top Chef Texas.”

Sarah explains her dish. Gail loved the pasta and thought it was made beautifully, but says the mousse being so frozen made it hard to eat together. Tom says she went really out of her comfort zone (really?). Sarah thins she should go to the finale so she can tell her story about food being “a place and a memory” in the finale.

Tom thought the remoulade and tomato overpowered the fish a bit. Emeril says there was a little separation in the cocktail, but Tom thought her drink worked with the dish about. Lindsay says she should be in the finale because she’s grown a lot as a chef and wants the opportunity to pull out all the stops.

The chefs head back to their stew trailer. “We all had great dishes, we just had to make that one tweak that you would’ve made in a normal kitchen.”

The judges talk about how all of the dishes were great, but none of them were flawless. They deliberate; it’s nothing we haven’t heard before, and I am thoroughly bored with it. “This is such a tough decicsion, I don’t want to see any of these chefs go,” Padma says. But eventually they reach a decision and we cut to commercial.

Fakeback. The chefs are all nervous, but have tried hard. Well, that’s earth shaking.

Back. Tom tells Paul he put together a great dish with a lot of flavor, but his arugula didn’t make sense. Sarah’s cold element was too cold, and Lindsay didn’t seem sure of where she was going conceptually.

Padma tells… Sarah that she’s moving on to the finale. She hugs the other two and heads out of the room. So either Lindsay or Paul is out. And it’s Lindsay. She thanks them, and interviews that it’s been a roller coaster emotionally and says she has no regrets because she stayed true to who she is and really put herself out there.

Padma congratulates Paul on moving on to the finale, and on winning a trip to Costa Rica “where you can experience what it’s like to source some of the world’s best fair trade coffee.” Because that’s what people want to do on a vacation. He goes back and hugs Lindsay. Sarah is sad that Lindsay is going home, but says she always knew it would be her vs. Paul. Lindsay says this is just the beginning fo something great.

Next time: old cheftestants return, including that bizarre guy from the first one. Lots of chaos. Tom tells his usual lie about this being the best food they’ve had in the finale, and Padma names one of them Top Chef.