Top Chef: Pbbbllllllllttttttttt

Why, God, why? Not Ed!
Dude, what is up with your jaw?
Canned oysters, no good.

I’ve been trying to sort out how I feel about all of this, Pork Casings. Not Ed being gone –which, no shocker, I am freaking pissed about – but this whole new twist/Last Chance Kitchen/ win your way back in situation.

And I’ve been trying to decide if I would’ve felt differently about it, and been really thrilled if it had been someone else who managed it. And it’s hard – I don’t think I would, really. I’d be more ok with it if Nyesha had won her way back in, because she really dominated in that competition, taking out chefs who’d managed to stay on the show weeks longer than she did.

But by the same token, she’s been off the main show for a long time, and she wasn’t a particular standout while she was on. So while I was rooting for her in Last Chance Kitchen, I wouldn’t have rooted for her against the four chefs who were still in at the end of last week. And I wouldn’t be happy if she’d come back and taken a slot Ed had all but locked up. Maybe if there’d been a contestant this season whose ouster I thought was total bullshit, or maybe if it’d been Lindsay or Sarah taken out instead of Ed, I’d feel differently (because their cooking has never seemed as good as Paul or Ed’s, not because I give a shit about the whole no one likes Beverly bullshit storyline).

Ed being gone is ridiculous. Ree goddamn diculous. He’s been a standout since the very beginning – and I mean literally the beginning – he’s the only one of the remaining contestants I even remember as an individual from the play-in rounds. And his performance has been fairly solid throughout – I have to qualify that, because I checked online and he’s actually been in the bottom more times than I’d thought. But still. His food has been memorable, he's been a good team player and a solid workhorse, and (and it's pathetic that this makes him an exception in this season), he's never tried to fob his problems off as someone else's fault. I declare him Top Ed.

I’ve been sitting here for a few minutes trying to think of what to say next, and the morning is ticking past, and I’m coming up with bupkiss. So let’s just go to the recap, and accept my apologies in advance for the lack of pictures. Blame Bravo. Always, always blame Bravo. Not only did they not have still “show shots” up, the video player was malfunctioning, so I couldn’t even make screen grabs.

Night. At the chef house, they’re talking about who will be back from the Last Chance Kitchen. Ed bets a pack of cigarettes on Bev coming back. Sarah raises him a banana that it’s Grayson. “Pack of cigarettes and a banana,” Ed says. “Sounds like a good night,” Sarah replies.

They enter the Top Chef kitchen to see Tom, Padma, and 5 cloches. Padma introduces the person coming back…and it’s Beverly. Inevitably. Because reality television is predictable, and the universe hates joy. Sarah is not happy to see her. Bev says that winning Last Chance Kitchen is a huge honor and she belongs here. Whatever.

So it’s time for the Quickfire, where they’ll have to use all their senses in a blindfolded pantry raid. They have 30 minutes to cook a dish, but they must wear their blindfolds while picking ingredients, and they must use everything they put in the basket. The winner will get to choose between an all new Prius V, or a guaranteed spot in the Final Four without cooking in the elimination. Lindsay says it’s smart to take the guaranteed spot, but at the same time you should take the car and really win your spot. Lindsay is immediately docked 60,000 points for the quickfire for saying “the car” and not “the Prius V.” It’s all about maximizing the product placement opportunities, people (what, you really thought it was still about cooking? After that bike riding, pancake making, clusterfuck chicken-palooza last week you really still thought that? Would you be interested in some magic beans or this bridge I own out in Brooklyn? Because apparently, you will buy absofuckinglutely anything).

Time starts now. The chefs bumble blindly around the kitchen. Sarah plans to make a soup because no matter what she grabs, she’ll be able to use it. She doesn’t want to lose to Bev. Ed says it’s hard to pick meats since they’re all in cryovac packages. Beverly pokes Paul in the eye. Secretly, this is why they brought her back – it had nothing to do with her talent or her clumsily created storyline – it’s because they had blindfolds this week, and something involving trap shooting next week, and they knew they could count on Bev to stumble over her feet, jab a competitor in the eye, and probably end up shooting Gail in the kneecaps or something.

With around 23 minutes left, Sarah and Lindsay start cooking. The other three join them around the 20 minute mark. Tom and Padma walk around quizzing them while they cook. Paul says he’d take the car if he won (SAY THE CAR’S NAME, PAUL! SAY ITS NAME!!!) because he didn’t come on Top Chef to take the easy way. Ed accidentally grabbed pork casings instead of pancetta. Lindsay grabbed mascarpone rather than crème fraiche. Sarah wants to show the judges she belongs in the final four.

Five minutes. Beverly is just starting to clean her fish. Ed can’t get his pork casings to soften up, but he uses the water they boiled in as his udon broth because they’ve salted and flavored it. Time.

Padma and Tom begin tasting with Bev, who has made Striped Bass with Avocado, Lime and Jalapeno. Padma says the fish is undercooked. Paul has made a Sauteed Prawn with Thai Tomato Soup. Ed’s dish is “Udon” with Ribbons of Zucchini and Mushrooms. Sarah’s is Corn Soup with Onion, Red Chili and Peaches, and Lindsay has made Fish with Bulgur Wheat, Mascarpone and Broccoli Rabe.

Tom thinks Ed chose the most difficult ingredient, but used it well. Paul’s dish was well put together, but his prawn was slightly undercooked. Beverly’s avocado side was the best part of her dish, but the fish was undercooked. He loved the char on Lindsay’s greens, and Sarah’s dish was delicious. Ultimately it comes down to Ed or Sarah for the win, and the winner is…Commercial.

Back. The winner is… Sarah. She jumps up and down and screams, because this is her first quickfire win. She decides to take the guaranteed spot in the finale. Ed says that shows that the confidence isn’t there, but Sarah doesn’t care if this makes the chefs look at her differently.

Two side notes: First, while I was totally in favor of Ed winning here, imagine how much worse it might’ve been if he had won, then taken the car as he’d planned, and then still lost the Elimination Challenge and gone home. Second, I think Sarah made absolutely the right choice. If you think about it, 24 hours ago she, Paul, Ed, and Lindsay all thought they had earned a place in the Final Four. And in any other season of Top Chef, they would’ve. In a way, Sarah’s just insuring that she gets to keep what she’s already earned, and that Beverly has no chance to take her slot away from her.

For the elimination, they’ll be bringing in people who’ve had “a small hand” in getting them this far. Bev hopes it will be her son. Isn’t she the only remaining contestant with kids? Who the hell does she think they’d be bringing in for the others? Urchins? Girl Scouts? But it’s not – obviously, since that would’ve been the stupidest final four challenge in the history of the show (which, given how lame this season has been, is perhaps not so unexpected as it might otherwise have been) – it’s their mentors. Paul cries. Sarah introduces Tony Mantuano, who we know from All Stars. Lindsay looks at Michelle Bernstein’s shoes to keep from crying, and says she taught her how to balance being a badass and a lady at the same time. As those of you who've been here from past seasons may recall, I dislike Michelle Bernstein – less in this episode than I ever have in the past – and have to wonder if Michelle Bernstein also taught her to be defensive, abrasive, and “Latin.”

Bev’s mentor is Sarah Stegner, who she says gave her “tough love.” Interesting that said tough love didn’t manage to toughen her up even slightly. I get the feeling that in Beverly’s moist little sob puddle of a mind, anyone who offers even modestly qualified praise is being “tough.” Paul’s mentor is Tyson Cole. Paul can’t even get through the intro without crying, and his mentor loses it too. And Ed’s mentor is Frank Crispo, who whipped him into shape.

So their challenge is to make a dish to impress their mentors. They have two and a half hours to prep this evening, and an hour to cook the next day at Hotel Valencia. The winner of the elimination will get a Prius V, of course, because that’s the dialogue for half the episode. Sarah and Tony get sent off to enjoy themselves since she won’t be cooking.

The other chefs meet with their mentors. Paul apologizes to his mentor for crying. Ed’s tells him not to second guess himself. Beverly’s tells her she’s so talented. Oh my god, her love, it’s so tough. Lindsay’s teases her that she’s fired if she doesn’t win.

The chefs head off in their Prius V and go to Whole Foods, where they have 30 minutes to shop on a budget of $500. Ed can’t find fresh oysters, so he buys smoked ones in a can. That sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me. Beverly is planning a wok dish. Lindsay is having a hard time finding her components.

At the Hotel Valencia, Sarah and Tony have tequila, and he says he knew she had what it took.

The others go back to the kitchen with two and a half hours to prep. Blend blend blend, chop chop chop. With an hour and twenty minutes left, Lindsay starts to second guess herself. Commercial.

Back. The chefs have 31 minutes and change remaining in their prep. Ed is making oyster cream. Nine minutes 40 seconds. They finish up and wrap their trays, then head back to the house. Beverly says making it back into the house “is so sweet,” and where she’s meant to be. No one else is exactly welcoming her with open arms. Ed says they’d been excited because they thought they were the final four.

The next morning, Paul calls his girlfriend, then they all head off to Hotel Valencia with an hour to cook at Citrus Restaurant. Bev has to cook in small batches because she’s cooking in a wok. “Beverly, you can do this, don’t be afraid, let’s do it,” she tells herself. Thirty minutes. Lindsay is finishing her seafood broth and toasting cous cous. Ed says being in the final four is what he came for, and he hopes he doesn’t psyche himself out.

The mentors arrive at the Hotel Valencia and sit down with Hugh, Tom, Gail and Padma. Padma asks Sarah how she met Beverly. Sarah says her message to Beverly has been “if you’re passionate about something, it’s going to work for you.” Oh my god, how can anyone live up to the pressure of this woman’s super tough love? The servers bring out Beverly’s dish, which is a Gulf Shrimp and BBQ Pork Curried Singapore Noodles. Sarah loves the heat and flavors, and says her shrimp is cooked “perfect.” Tom thinks she did a nice job.

Lindsay is up next, and Michelle is sweating with nerves for her because she’s an extension of herself. “I just want her to be happy,” she says. “Sounds like you’re breaking up with her,” Tom teases. Lindsay introduces her Seafood “Stew” with Couscous. Michelle says everything is cooked beautifully, but she doesn’t know why Lindsay put the cram in there. Frank doesn’t like the raw thyme.

Tyson says Paul is the first person he’s worked with who could learn a technique and do it better than he did within a day or two. Paul presents his dish, which is a Chilled Sunchoke Dashi Soup with Vegetables. Hugh says the balance of the salty broth and the unseasoned vegetables is perfect. Tyson is smiling ear to ear about it.

Frank says that even when Ed was “green as green could be” he had fire. His dish, the last, is a Pork Belly and Oyster Crema with Pickled Vegetables. Gail says the plate is packed with a ton of flavor, but Tom isn’t a fan of the oyster sauce. Everyone loves the pickles, and Michelle thinks he should jar and sell them; she’d be his best customer.

The chefs all file out and the judges and diners clap for them. Lindsay hopes Michelle doesn’t think she bombed this. Commercial.

Fakeback. It’s about how Ed doesn’t cry. He says he’s crying on the inside, then fake-cries about not wanting to go home.

Back. Sarah comes in and joins the other chefs in the stew room. They tease her about how well rested she is. Padma calls them all back to the Judges’ Table except Sarah.

Tom says that they were impressed, and their mentors were happy to see how well they’d done. Paul says it’s always nerve wracking to cook for Tyson. Tom says his dish took a lot of nerve, showed restraint and was very nice. Gail couldn’t believe how every bite gave her more flavor, and calls it well prepared and thoughtful.

Tom asks Beverly how she stir fried for 8 people. She explains how she worked in batches. Gail says her flavors were very clear. Padma then announces that Beverly and Paul served their favorite dishes of the evening. Both will be moving on to the finals, and one will win a brand new Prius V. And the winner is…Paul! YaYYYYY!!!. He says this is the kind of challenge that made him want to do Top Chef in the beginning. Padma says that a Prius V will get him going even more. Beverly says moving on is so much sweeter because she was at the bottom, and having the ability to rise is awesome. Blah.

The two of them go back to the stew room and hug Sarah. Back in the judging room, Hugh tells Ed and Lindsay that they should be proud of how far they came. Gail thought the aroma of Lindsay’s dish was intoxicating, but wonders why she added the cream. Hugh says the dried herb overtones blanketed everything. She says she knew these things while bringing it out. Gail reassures her that Michelle has an enormous amount of love and respect for her. Lindsay cries and talks about how she’d love to move on, but if not, she’s ok with what she’s accomplished.

Gail praises Ed’s vegetables and pickles, but questions his oyster sauce. Hugh asks if they were canned, and Ed admits they were. Hugh thinks the plate was also a little busy. Gail says that Frank was proud and glad to see him cook from the heart. Ed says it was nice to show him what he’s doing now, and that he’s learned from being on the bottom and been elated when he’s been on the top. Padma sends the two of them away so they can deliberate. In the stew room, Lindsay cries because she may’ve embarrassed Michelle.

Tom says it was “great to watch Beverly” get her spot. Blah. Gail says Ed and Lindsay’s dishes both showed a lot of growth, but they overthought and did too much. Hugh thinks Lindsay had a great vision of what to do, but took a number of missteps. Gail says that since Lindsay knew she made mistakes, she should’ve fixed them.

Gail says Ed’s dish is stellar if you take out the oyster sauce. Hugh thinks he’s a busy minded chef, and got fixated on the recipe rather than working with what was in the market. Commercial.

Back. Without preface, Padma tells Ed to pack his knives and go. Goddamn, they really want a female winner again, don’t they? This is a ridiculous decision. Ridiculous. Ed says it’s hard to get this close and get “knocked out by Beverly, the last round before the finals.” Beverly says it’s ironic that she idolized Ed so much and made it past him. Oh, fuck you, you rotten little squib. Ed’s glad he stacked up well against some heavy hitters.

The remaining chefs toast first Ed and then themselves. Ed interviews that he should’ve gotten to the finale, but carrying that with him will spur him to better things.

Next: Canada! Snow! Bev, be careful of that… oh fuck, they’re shooting things. “I’m doing a dish I’ve never done before.”