Top Chef: Oh, Canada.

Fire and ice, so nice
But sayonara Lindsay
You came very close.

I got home on Wednesday night in time to see everything to see everything from the point where the chefs are all back in the stew room after the initial Judges’ table talking about their mistakes forward, so I saw Lindsay’s ouster, and while part of me would rather have seen her facing off against Paul in the finale than Sarah, another part of me was surprised she’d made it this far to begin with, given that it took her so long to emerge as anything more than a middle of the pack player.

And an even larger part of me is so burned out on this lackluster season that it didn’t even care.

Here’s the sitch, kiddos: I promise, I swear on a stack of bacon, that I will do the finale in my usual timely and snarky manner, with results up by first thing Thursday morning. And then, thankfully, Top Chef is off the air for awhile, and let’s hope that however long that is is long enough for me to regain my former pash for the program. We’ll reassess when we see what iteration is coming back and how soon it is.

But for now, here’s the late recap of the episode that should’ve been the finale, but wasn’t. Yes, I’m totally sour about how many extra episodes they dragged this season out by having the play in round AND the “we’re down to four! Ha, we’re back to five! Ok, now we’re down to four” psych out of last chance kitchen, AND playing all the way down to the first two person finale since season 2. And I’m also sour about there being no “show shots” again because Bravo apparently hates joy.

It’s the night after the biathalon challenge. Sarah has déjà vu about Beverly being eliminated, but says “this is how it was supposed to be the whole time.” They toast each other and Vancouver.

The next day they head off in the car to Vancouver, cheerfully playing a road trip game. Paul says they’re friends, but in the kitchen everyone knows it’s a competition. They arrive at the Fairmont Vancouver and put their Top Chef chef coats back on to head off to the competition.

They arrive in Vancouver’s Chinatown. Sarah admits that “Asian food is not my forte” – like we wouldn’t have been aware of that based on the derisive comments she’s made about it all season – and adds “thank God Beverly’s not here, because she would’ve nailed it.”

Padma and Emeril welcome them to Bao Bei Chinese Brasserie. Padma tells them that for their quickfire, they’ll be matched up with some Masters of Asian Cuisine: Top Chef Masters alum Anita Lo, Top Chef Masters 3 winner Floyd Cardoz, and Takashi Yagihashi, who for some reason they’re introducing as a Top Chef Master despite the fact that he was not on the show, ever. The chefs draw knives, pairing Anita and Lindsay, Sarah and Floyd, and Paul and Takashi. Paul doesn’t like the “expectation” that he should win.

Padma tells them that each team will create an Asian influenced dish. They’ll have 40 minutes to cook, but will do so in 10 minute intervals, tagging out with their partners. The winner gets $20,000.

The time starts with the Masters heading in to the kitchen for their first ten minutes. Takashi pulls out some geoduck clams. Padma and Emeril peer in on them through a window. Anita is preparing a trio of scallops. Floyd reminds us that his quickfire record isn’t that good – he never won one on Masters. Sarah hopes he’s not working with a wok.

They switch, and the cheftestants try to figure out what the Masters have started. Lindsay doesn’t want to embarrass Anita. Paul is worried because the clam is an acquired taste. Five minutes left. Sarah guesses correctly that Floyd has started a curry base, but says her comfort level with curry is 0.

They switch again. Takashi decides to use Paul’s dashi broth as a sauce. Anita thinks Lindsay’s sautéed sausage will work beautifully. Floyd says that Sarah’s followed through on his vision perfectly. They switch for the final time. Lindsay is intimidated to assemble everything Anita’s done. The Masters drink back out in the restaurant. Paul is thrilled with the way “Takashi-san” has set him up. He adds Thai chilis since Padma likes spice. Sarah is hopeful that she can beat Paul even though he’s an expert in Asian cuisine. Time. Paul worries that he’s over spiced the plate. Commercial.

Back. Lindsay presents the Scallop Three Ways with Dried Chinese Sausage and Water Chestnutthat she and Anita have made. Padma says it had really nice flavor. Next is Sarah and Floyd’s Seared Cod with Coconut Curry, Dungeness Crab Salad and Amaranth. Emeril calls it “really interesting,” and Floyd says she did exactly what he wanted. Finally is Paul and Takashi’s Mirugai Sashimi with Yuzu Dashi and Fried White Fish. Padma says it’s a LOT of chili.

Emeril loves what Lindsay did, but thinks the sauces were a bit overpowering. Padma says Sarah’s was a beautiful plate of food, but Emeril thinks it could use a bit more acid. Padma thought Paul’s was a very brave dish, but Emeril repeats the “too much chili” criticism. And the “dish that has all of the notes of Asian flavors” is Sarah and Floyd. Floyd is glad that he’s finally won a quickfire. She gets $20,000. I hope she buys Floyd a drink with some of that cashola. Padma dismisses the Masters and we move on to the elimination challenge.

Padma tells them that this challenge will combine the “heat of Texas” and the “cold of Whistler” by catering a fire and ice cocktail party: making a dish that combines both fire and ice elements, and one cocktail. They’ll serve 150 of “Vancouver’s culinary elite” and the winner gets a trip to Costa Rica.

The chefs head out to Vancouver’s Whole Foods. Lindsay struggles with how literally to take the dish – should she set something on fire? Make something totally frozen? Paul is making a play on lobster boulliabaise that will look cold but taste hot. Sarah is making a baked pasta with a frozen ginger mousse because she knows she has to take a risk. Lindsay buys halibut even though hers got screwed up during Restaurant Wars. Paul is using essential oils to enhance the flavors, a trick he learned from his new chef de cuisine. Lindsay feels like Paul and Sarah’s “snow” aspects are a little gimmicky, and that’s not who she is.

Back at the hotel, they toast Sarah with some Top Chef branded wine. Has anyone tried any of this swill? Will it kill you dead? Anyway, Sarah talks about how her mom let her drop out of high school her junior year and go to culinary school, and how winning Top Chef will be the completion of that journey. Commercial.

Back. Next day. The chefs run up to The Village on False Creek to start their five hours of shopping. Sarah feels like her advantage is that she believes in herself while Lindsay and Paul second guess themselves a lot. Paul kills a shitton of lobsters. Sarah is cracking 80 eggs for her pasta, which she’s making by hand for 150 people. Now I feel like even more of a goon for not making it ever. Lindsay is making tomato water for her drink so she doesn’t forget it, and is grating bits of her fingers into it. It will literally be a Bloody Mary.

Tom enters for one of his increasingly rare Tom thrus. He asks Paul what happened in the quickfire: “is the competition getting to you?” Don’t be a dick, Tom. He continues being a dick, though, going to Lindsay and questioning her decision to do halibut after what happened in Restaurant Wars. He doesn’t work as hard to shake Sarah’s confidence, though.

Time passes. Everyone feels like they’re in the weeds. Paul was hoping it was one of those competitions where surprise sous chefs appear to help them at the last minute. But surprise sous chefs are not forthcoming. Instead their servers come. We get a weird Morton Kosher Salt close up for no apparent reason. Sarah is freezing her mousse on an anti griddle, but some of it gets overfrozen. Four minutes and thirty seconds remaining.

The guests begin to arrive in the dining room, including Tom, Padam, Emeril and Gail. Gail is cold and hopes the dishes will be more “fire than ice.” Tom emphasizes that this is it – there’s no secret “last last chance kitchen.” Then they joke about Bev coming back again. “She’s actually under the table right now, Emeril says.

Servers come out and begin with Paul’s King Crab with Sunchoke Chips, Lobster Broth and Lemon Snow and "The Pan Am" cocktail (Kaffir Lime, Thai Chilis and Rum). Tom says the broth has tons and tons of lobster flavor, but the arugula is purposeless. He thinks the drink is really nice. Padma would’ve liked a little more heat in it, but Emeril reminds her that yesterday they killed him on having too much chili.

We see Sarah over-instructing her servers, and cut to commercial.

Back. The servers bring out Sarah’s Five Greens Filled Pasta with Garlic and Chili and Spiced Sformato; and "Agrumi" cocktail (Gin, Kumquat and Mango). Gail asks if her sformata is supposed to be so frozen. Tom thinks the flavors are great. Gail loves the cocktail, but doesn’t think it goes really well with the dish.

Lindsay worries that she didn’t take the Fire and Ice part literally enough, so she adds a spoon of tomato ice to her dish. The servers present it as Halibut with Fiery Celery Root Salad; and a "Encendido" Cocktail (Vodka, Tomato and Horesradish). “It’s pretty firey,” Gail says. “I didn’t get any at all,” Tom says. He doesn’t understand why the kale is there. Gail loves the tomato ice. Emeril likes the cocktail with the dish, but not on its own.

Tom thinks that the chefs did a nice job, and he’s undecided. Padma says it’s not an easy challenge. The chefs sit in their temporary stew room, and reflect on how scary it was not to have the chance to explain their dishes to the judges, and all the things that could’ve gone wrong. Padma calls them all back to Judges’ Table.

Padma tells them they all put out delicious food and really nice cocktails. Emeril says Paul’s dish was “absolutely there” conceptually, and he really liked the cocktail. Tom knocks him for the arugula feeling like an afterthought. “If the intention is to make it part of the dish, make it part of the dish.” Paul thinks he belongs in the finale because he “can’t go back home without winning Top Chef Texas.”

Sarah explains her dish. Gail loved the pasta and thought it was made beautifully, but says the mousse being so frozen made it hard to eat together. Tom says she went really out of her comfort zone (really?). Sarah thins she should go to the finale so she can tell her story about food being “a place and a memory” in the finale.

Tom thought the remoulade and tomato overpowered the fish a bit. Emeril says there was a little separation in the cocktail, but Tom thought her drink worked with the dish about. Lindsay says she should be in the finale because she’s grown a lot as a chef and wants the opportunity to pull out all the stops.

The chefs head back to their stew trailer. “We all had great dishes, we just had to make that one tweak that you would’ve made in a normal kitchen.”

The judges talk about how all of the dishes were great, but none of them were flawless. They deliberate; it’s nothing we haven’t heard before, and I am thoroughly bored with it. “This is such a tough decicsion, I don’t want to see any of these chefs go,” Padma says. But eventually they reach a decision and we cut to commercial.

Fakeback. The chefs are all nervous, but have tried hard. Well, that’s earth shaking.

Back. Tom tells Paul he put together a great dish with a lot of flavor, but his arugula didn’t make sense. Sarah’s cold element was too cold, and Lindsay didn’t seem sure of where she was going conceptually.

Padma tells… Sarah that she’s moving on to the finale. She hugs the other two and heads out of the room. So either Lindsay or Paul is out. And it’s Lindsay. She thanks them, and interviews that it’s been a roller coaster emotionally and says she has no regrets because she stayed true to who she is and really put herself out there.

Padma congratulates Paul on moving on to the finale, and on winning a trip to Costa Rica “where you can experience what it’s like to source some of the world’s best fair trade coffee.” Because that’s what people want to do on a vacation. He goes back and hugs Lindsay. Sarah is sad that Lindsay is going home, but says she always knew it would be her vs. Paul. Lindsay says this is just the beginning fo something great.

Next time: old cheftestants return, including that bizarre guy from the first one. Lots of chaos. Tom tells his usual lie about this being the best food they’ve had in the finale, and Padma names one of them Top Chef.

Project Runway All Stars: United Nations on the March, With Flags Unfurled

(Have a little Kathryn Grayson in Thousands Cheer to kick off your morning, children)

Out? Does not compute.
The Milabot malfunctioned
Made Communist dress.

I’m sitting here this morning, staring into my bowl of Multi Bran Chex (god, writing that made me feel super old all of the sudden), trying to figure out something to say about last night’s Project Runway, and watching the minutes tick past.

Here’s what I’m kind of stuck on: none of those dresses were any good.

We’ve had shit that’s ugly before in this competition, naturally, But even the ugly shit’s been well made. Almost everything last night looked half assed and tacked together. It was disappointing, and what’s even more disappointing is that the judges largely let them skate on it. Sure, they called out Kenley for not stretching herself, and Austin for his construction, but they let so many other things go. They’re too gentle. I want to see some blood on that runway, people. The crap they put out last night deserved it.

And it’s getting closer and closer to the time I have to get into the shower to make it to work on time, but first, Mila. Yes, she skurrrred me to the point where I had a dream about her trying to choke Kara to death last week, but she put out some stuff I liked…and frankly, probably more stuff that I’d actually wear than any one other designer has. And as much as her ouster surprised me, in retrospect it makes sense. Jerell’s dress was uglier, yes. Austin’s construction was worse, yes. But Mila’s dress was both ugly and poorly put together. So committing both wrongs to a lesser degree trump each wrong to a greater one, I guess.

Anyway, let’s see how this went.

Morning. Kenley is sad without Kara and pouring her feelings out to Austin Scarlett, who gives his interviews wearing a bizarre Civil War cap. They hold hands.

UnHeidi greets them at the United Nations complex, and drones some stuff about the U.N. and its mission and how “you thought our challenges were tough” (hands meeting hips in a very timed, stilted way as though this was a 4^th grade play and her blocking was to put her hands on her hips as she hit that line), but I have a hard time following it all because this is the first time I’ve watched the show with people in a while, and I’ve forgotten how to listen to sixteen conversations at once. And also because one of my friends points out that UnHeidi looks kind of like a “skinny drag queen Kirstie Alley,” and now what has been seen can’t be unseen. Try getting that out of your head.

Anyway, their challenge is to design a dress designed by one of the flags behind UnHeidi. They’re a range of countries, representing each of the different regions of the world. As last week’s winner, Mondo gets to pick first and he takes Jamaica. He lets Michael C. go next, and he picks Greece, because he is Greek, and because this way he can get away with making yet another draped grown. He does a little “Opa” dance on his way back to the group. Mila takes Papua New Guinea. Jerell selects India. Austin takes the Seychelles, leaving Kenley with Chile.

They’ll each have $200 at Mood, but first they have some time to sketch at the U.N. They all get little dossiers on their country. Mila is going to try to give her look a touch of tribal effect, but not too much. Austin wants to invoke a “tropical paradise” with his design.

Then they’re off to Mood with 30 minutes to shop. Michael heads for the trim section. We make an unnecessarily crass joke about the only time Michael would be that drawn to trim. Mila is confused by all the other designers “interacting” positively with each other. Milabot confused. Human emotion does not compute. Kenley is buying some polka dot material, of course, because as Michael says “the state of Kenley Collins has polka dot flags.”

Back to the workroom. Mondo is trying not to be too literal. Mila wants to stay true to who she is. Everyone else goes to the greenroom to eat while Austin continues struggling with his design. Commercial.

Back. Jerell tells us “when I think India, I think embellishments.” Hm. I think naan bread. Michael’s bread is all draped. (Erm…clearly I meant Michael’s dress, but I was writing this before breakfast, and when I went back to do my edit, the mistake was too priceless to correct)

Joanna enters for her Joannathru, and begins her fantastic voyage through the countries of the United Nations with a visit to Mondo. She likes his dress but is concerned about the back, asking “how do you wear a bra with that?” “You…don’t,” he replies. Then it’s over to Jerell, where she worries that his dress is looking “a little bit like a national costume” or “one of those dolls you might buy at the tourist office when you’re leaving Dehli.”

Her underwear fascination continues as she stops off at Michael’s station, calling his Greek goddess gown “another dress we can’t wear a bra with.” Then it’s over to Austin where she asks “Is anyone in this room droing a dress where a woman can wear a bra with it?” She finds her solace in Mila, who is making what “looks like, finally, a dress that a woman could wear underwear with.”

Ok, I understand that she’s pushing them to think about wearbility and women’s bodies, but she pushed it to the point of ridiculousness. 1. Not everyone wears a bra all the time. I’ve had plenty of formal dresses – and that’s what the three she was bitching about were – where wearing a basic bra was not feasible. Sometimes I wore something different (see point 2); sometimes I just went without. And I was fine – because these are dresses you’re wearing for a four or five hour event that doesn’t require a whole lot of vigorous activity, not an eight hour workday and sure as hell not a marathon. And even in high school and college, I had about four times the tatas that any of these models do.

2. She’s acting like THE ONLY BRAS are your standard Maidenform titsling with a horizontal back and two inch wide straps at the shoulders. Has she not seen other bras? The ones with the backs that are designed to be worn with low-backed gowns? The ones with the adjustable straps? The stick-on “cutlets” (which, again – perfectly comfortable for a few hours at a time)? Joanna! Get thee to a Neiman Marcus! There’s a whole brave new world of brassieres out there that you’ve never even considered!

Anyway, she finishes her tour with Kenley, who she’s not convinced is taking risks. Mondo wonders why Kenley is still there.

The models enter and have their fitting. The designers all talk smack about each other’s dresses, with the real gem being Mondo’s statement that Michael’s is “not ‘Grease Lightening,’ this is Greece Frightening.” He makes a list of all the work he has left to do. Kenley feels like she’s running out of time. Commercial.

Back. Work work work. The models come in to get fitted. Austin’s dress is too short. Mondo thins Michael’s dress looks like it “could win… Miss World, 2011.” They head off for the hair and makeup product placement, where Jerell’s make-up is so literal that he jokes about getting the girl “a hummus lip and pita hair.” Commercial.

Back. Runway. UnHeidi appears looking drag-ier than usual, and comes out and does –for the first time, maybe? – the Heidi math: “there are six of you now, but after tonight there will be five.” The judges are Mrs. Weinstein, Isaac, and Catherine Malandrino.

Show time! We open with the national costume of Jerellistan, where all the ladies dress like tacky warrior princesses. There’s an underdress that’s ok, but it’s gotten entirely eaten by this green drape going over it.

Our next stop is a visit to Kenlé, a small Latin nation where the national color is polka dots, the primary export is ruffles, and the entire nation is stuck in the ‘50s, probably because of Communism or something. In all seriousness, it’s a cute dress but it has nothing whatsoever to do with Chile.

And then it’s off to the sovereign nation of Austinvania, where they are recognizing their national holiday of Leap Day by wearing the traditional Leap Day colors of blue and yellow. Yes, we watched 30 Rock before Project Runway All Stars last night. The dress is a standard Austin Scarlett gown, but not terribly well executed. Also, the unfortunate placement of the yellow panel makes it look like she’s wee-ed herself. (and why am I just now realizing that his model looks like Lavinia Squires from Downton Abbey? Is it the hair?)

In the People’s Republic of Mondo, everyone walks backwards. This is because their dresses look like standard, boring, Morticia Addams dresses from the front, but then have awesome backs.

From there it’s a quick flight to Milaslovakia, which is apparently not one of our boring Earth nations at all, but a secret colony established by Romulans. They’ve managed to blend in well with the people of earth, but do still make mistakes. This lady, for example, has managed to put on half of two different dresses.

And our final stop is in Michael Costellogovania, an island nation populated entirely by J. Lo look alikes who wear boring goddess gowns with the backs slashed down to their butt cracks.

Since there are only 6 of them left, the judges call out all their models. They begin the critique with Kenley, whose dress Mrs. Weinstein calls “young feeling.” Catherine Malandrino likes that she didn’t go too far with the Spanish touches, and UnHeidi thinks it’s a dress for a modern cool girl in Chile. Isaac wants to see something different from her, though.

UnHeidi “feels India” from Jerells, but Isaac finds it “visually wavy and so wonky.” Catherine Malandrino says the good things disappear behind the drapery, and Mrs. Weinstein agrees that it has too many ideas and goes costumey.

Mrs. Weinstein points out that Austin’s dress isn’t quite the colors of the Seychelles flag, and Isaac thinks the ruching looks tortured. “is it a terrible dress, no,” he adds, and UnHeidi agrees that “it’s not the worst dress I’ve seen on Project Runway All Stars.” Mrs. Weinstein damns Michael’s dress with the faint praise of calling it “very acceptable,” but says that it screams beauty pageant. Catherine Malandrino says there is “too much ‘eaviness” to it, and UnHeidi is “bothered” by the blue bow. Isaac thinks it would be better without the trim. Insert vulgar joke here.

Mrs. Weinstein loves Mondo’s and gets Jamaica from it. Catherine Malandrino thinks it’s well cut, but hates the hair, and Isaac hates the “in your face” black.

Turning to Mila, Isaac tells us “I get Communism from this dress.” He says it like it’s a disease – the dress has given Isaac a fatal case of Communism. Ack! UnHeidi is bothered by all the disjunctions in the dress, and Isaac finds it “disturbing to look at in certain ways.”

They send the designers out so they can deliberate, and begin, as usual, with their favorites. Mondo showed thought and restraint, but he might be playing it safe. UnHeidi thought Kenley’s was modern and fun, and Isaac thinks “the girl wearing this dress is embarrassed by her mother’s poncho.” Is it just me, or does that seem the wee-est bit racist? Mrs. Weinstein says that the proportions of Michael’s dress are off, and Catherine Malandrino calls it a pretty pageant dress. And that’s what they’re saying about their favorites.

On the bottom, Mrs. Weinstein thought Austin’s dress was flat and tortured, and Isaac says it’s a miss in the color story. Catherine Malandrino thinks it’s a good dress stuck at the prototype stage. UnHeidi doesn’t know “who can wear” Mila’s dress, or where, and Catherine Malandrino says there’s “no thought process” behind it. Mrs. Weinstein finds it schizophrenic. Finally, UnHeidi thinks Jerell’s looks like “an Indian Barbie doll,” but Catherine Malandrino thinks there’s “great thought process here.”

They’ve reached a decision, and call the designers back out as we throw to commercial.

Back. Michael C. is safe. The winner is…Mondo! He says he took a risk with this dress (really?) and that the judges recognized it.

Kenley is also in, but needs to start stretching herself. Austin is safe.

So it’s down to Jerell and Mila. Jerell gave an effect on the runway, but his dress turned into a costume. They love Mila’s conviction, but her dress was awkward to look at.

And Jerell is….safe. So the Milabot is out. She feels like she’s evolved as a designer, and will now go home to reboot her programming, and maybe get an emotion chip so she can understand this thing the humans call friendship.

Next….augh, we get no previews, because they go straight into that “After the Runway” chat show nonsense.

A Note From The Management

It should go without saying, given my laxity of late, that I prioritized my desire to observe both Ash Wednesday and National Margarita Day over watching last nights "hahahaha not the Finale --PSYCH!" episode of Top Chef, and thus the recap will not be available until Saturday-ish.

A Very Downton Christmas (or Let's All Talk About That One Time Mary Had Sex Eight Years Ago)

Note: I enjoy Downton Abbey. I don’t love it, the way I did last year, but I still think it’s a nice little show if you can take it as what it is – a primetime soap opera for people who think they’re too classy for primetime soap operas. But as I was watching last night, I couldn’t help but get hung up on one of the recurring themes of the Christmas episode: Let’s All Talk About That One Time Mary Had Sex Eight Years Ago.

Yes, inevitably it was going to come up – that Matthew and Lord Grantham (not quite but nearly the only two principals who didn’t know about it) would find out was a narrative inevitability. Someone hung the gun of Mary Having Sex on the wall in Act One or 1912; of course it’s going to go off by Act Three, 1920.

But is it just me or did it come up in every bloody scene?

So since that and a few other things about the episode bothered me enough to wake me up at five in the morning on a day I have off, I thought I’d bring you this very special episode (which you should absolutely not read if you haven’t seen the show yet and are the sort of person who bitches about spoilers):

A VERY DOWNTON CHRISTMAS
(or “Let’s All Talk About That One Time Mary Had Sex Eight Years Ago”)
a Jordan Baker production.

Cast: Tra la la la la! It’s Christmastime, the one time of year when the weather at Downton is remotely different! And we’re going to celebrate by following the truck with the tree on it up the driveway instead of the dog’s ass!

Scene 1: The Great Hall
Crawleys: Here are some presents, servants!
Servants: Yay! Thank you for the dress fabric and obscure books! We shall reward you with another year of unflagging loyalty!
Thomas: (to O’Brien, aside)…and some schemes!

Scene 2: The Library, or Something
Maggie Smith: Hilarious one liner!
Sir Richard: I’m a dick, so I’m going to complain about having to serve myself on Christmas.
Lady Mary: It’s tradition – the servants have their Christmas feast at lunch and serve us ours at dinner.
Sir Richard: Well, when we’re married, there’ll be NO feasts and NO Christmas for the servants!
Matthew: God, Mary, I realize I said I’d never marry you because our unholy cousin lust killed poor Lavinia, but must you marry this dick?
Lady Mary: I must! (aside) …for if I do not, he shall tell the world about That One Time I Had Sex Eight Years Ago.
Lady Crawley: I’m terribly worried about poor Bates.
Lord Crawley: Yes, it’s so vexing to have one’s valet tried for murder. Do you know I’ve had to put on my own pants every day this week?
Lady Crawley: And also, Bates could hang.
Lord Crawley: Well, yes. That too, of course.
Maggie Smith: Hilarious one liner!

Scene 3: Remember That Old Guy Edith Used To Like Back In Season One?
Maggie Smith: Oh, look! It’s that old guy Edith used to like! Hilarious one liner!
Old Guy: Oh, hullo, Edith! I’m maimed now!
Lady Edith: I still love you! Despite not having thought of you at all during the war while I was kissing a married farmer and then trying to convince everyone that that burned guy was our cousin! I really do still love you!
Old Guy: No, you don’t Edith. I’m totally old and maimed. You deserve better.
Lady Edith: Is this because of what Mary said? Because that was lies! Spiteful lies! Which I totally did not bring upon myself by writing a letter to the Turkish Embassy about That One Time She Had Sex Eight Years Ago, and thus putting a secret that could ruin our family out as gossip!
Old Guy: No, it’s not that. It’s just that you’re the worst, Edith, the absolute worst. Even the servants don’t like you. Even your parents. Even the writers. In fact, your next lines are the last thing you’ll say for rest of the episode, so you should make them good.
Lady Edith: Oh. Um….
Old Guy: Oh, Edith. You fail at everything.

Scene 4: New Years
Maggie Smith: Hilarious One Liner!
Sir Richard: I’m a dick. Why do we have to pour our own champagne on New Year’s Eve?
Lady Mary: Oh, for God’s sake, can’t you stop your bitching? This is the way we do things – two meals a year we serve our own wine and sandwiches! The rest of the year, we don’t even wipe our own bums!
Sir Richard: When we’re married, there will BE NO SANDWICHES, NO WINE, AND NO BUMS!
Matthew: Now that I’m back from watching Lavinia’s father die--he too was killed by the unholy cousin lust-- I can’t help wondering why Mary is determined to marry that dick.
Maggie Smith: Hilarious One Liner!

Scene 5: The Hunt
Matthew: It’s totally alright if I flirt with you, right Mary? Even though I’ve said several times that I’m not going to marry you since our unholy cousin lust wiped out Lavinia’s entire family. I’m still really curious about why you’re marrying that dick.
Lady Mary: Oh, Matthew! I wish I could tell you, but you would DESPISE me! (aside) Because how could any man not DESPISE a woman who Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago?
Sir Richard: I DESPISE you for it! But I’m still going to marry you, because I’m a dick! Now, I’m going back to London for a few scenes to see if I can grow a moustache to twirl.

Scene 6: Below Stairs
Servants: Oh, we’re all so worried about Mr. Bates being on trial for murder!
Thomas: I’d kind of like his job.
Carson: No jobs for you, thief and pervert!
Thomas: Now I’ll have to scheme up a scheme.
Daisy: I still feel bad about William.
Lady Rosamund’s Sketchy Maid: You’re totally underappreciated here.
Daisy: Now I feel bad about MYSELF!
O’Brien: Let’s play with a Ouija board!

Scene 7: The Dowager Countess’s House
Sir Subplot: I’d like to marry your daughter for her money!
Maggie Smith: Hilarious One Liner!

Scene 8: The Courthouse in York
Random Solicitor: Let’s all remember not to say anything that could make Bates look guilty.
O’Brien: (on the stand) …and then there was that time he said she made him feel extra special murder-y.
Mrs. Hughes: (on the stand) ….he called from London and asked if he could have Mrs. Patmore’s recipe for arsenic pie.
Lord Grantham: (on the stand) …as he was putting on my pants for me, he may’ve said something about the only good wife being a dead wife. But I was too busy trying to boff the most recent second housemaid to pay much attention.
Random Solicitor: Well, that went well!
Judge: John Bates will hang!
Anna: Noooooooo!

Scene 9: Dinner at Downton
Sir Richard: I’m back, and very frustrated that I’ve proved unable to grow a moustache! So I’m going to grab you by the arm!
Lady Mary: Oh, Jesus, can’t you even pretend not to be a dick?
(later)
Lord Grantham: Why on earth is Mary marrying that dick?
Lady Grantham: I suppose I should tell you. Do you remember when Mr. Pamouk came to stay?
Lord Grantham: Let me see, now. Pamouk….Pamouk…rings a bell, but one does so much entertaining…
Lady Grantham: The dead Turk.
Lord Grantham: Oh, right. Died in his own bed.
Lady Grantham: Well, he actually died in Mary’s bed. That’s right – Mary Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago.
Lord Grantham: Good God.
Lady Grantham: Also Sybil is pregnant with the chauffeur’s baby, off screen in Ireland.
Lord Grantham: Oh, man! I have the WORST LIFE. No sons, no valet, one of my daughters is a ho, one is Edith, who is seriously just the worst, and the other one is having a Feenian Baby.
Lady Grantham: Dude, that’s racist.

Scene 10: The Library, or Something
Lord Grantham: Mary, your mother told me about how you Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago.
Lady Mary: You must DESPISE me now.
Lord Grantham: Well, kind of. But I still don’t think you should marry that dick. So… just break it off with him, and then go to America for awhile while his papers run stories about what a ho you are.
Lady Mary: Oh, Papa! You’re so wonderful!
Lord Grantham: Bring home a cowboy or something. It can’t be any worse than that Mick Chauffeur your sister married.
Anna: Can I come with you to America? To escape the scandal of my husband being hanged as a murderer?
Lady Mary: Of course you can! Is it just me, or does anyone else think this has the potential to be an AWESOME SPIN-OFF?

Scene 11: Below Stairs
Thomas: In case all my scheming and war profiteering and gayness hadn’t made it clear how evil I was, now I’m going to steal a dog!
O’Brien: Let’s play with a Ouija board!
Daisy: WON’T SOMEBODY FUCKING APPRECIATE ME???

Scene 12: The Churchyard. Lavinia’s Grave
Matthew: Well, thank you for coming to the burial of Lavinia’s father, who will hopefully be the last victim of our unholy cousin lust that has the power to kill people.
Lady Mary: Yes, it’s very sad. Hopefully our cousin lust won’t kill people when I’ve…moved….on.
Matthew: To marry that dick, you mean?
Lady Mary: (vaguely) Or whatever. (Exit)
Isobel: Dude, she still totally loves you. You should get with that.
Matthew: BUT WHAT OF OUR UNHOLY COUSIN LUST THAT KILLS PEOPLE???
Isobel: How did I raise such a dumbass?

Scene 13: Dinner At Downton
Maggie Smith: Hilarious One Liner!
Lady Rosamund: I’m going to marry this Subplot guy. I know he just wants my money, but my maid – who’s worked for me a full two months – thinks it’s a good idea, so clearly that's the right advice to go on.
(later – the Library, or something)
Lady Mary: I’m not going to marry you, because you’re such a dick.
Sir Richard: I will DESTROY YOU!
Matthew: Something wrong in here?
Sir Richard: You! You and your unholy cousin lust is what’s wrong in here! First it killed Lavinia, and now it’s killed MY HAPPINESS!
(a fist fight ensues)
Lord Grantham: There will be no fist fights at Downton!
Sir Richard: I’ll leave first thing in the morning, then.

Scene 14: Night in The Garden
Lady Mary: ….so you see, I’ll be going to America for awhile while Sir Richard’s newspapers are full of stories about how I Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago.
Matthew: Hm. Did you love Pamouk?
Lady Mary: Um, no. I’d just met him that day.
Matthew: Well if it wasn’t love, what was it?
Lady Mary: It was lust! Rebellion! Kind of rapey, actually, since he let himself into my room and told me I was ruined by his presence there whether I let him have his way with me or not.
Matthew: Well this is…hm.
Lady Mary: You DESPISE me now, don’t you?
Matthew: Despise is a strong word.

Scene 15: Next Day. The Library or Something
Lord Grantham: Yay, I’ve got a telegram saying Bates won’t be hanged!
Lady Grantham: Yay! Let’s dance with some servants! Because that’s a perfectly normal reaction!
Anna: Yay! Now I won’t have to go to America!
Lady Mary: But what about our AWESOME SPIN-OFF?

Scene 16: The Servants’ Ball
Thomas: Since my dog stealing scheme paid off and I’m now the valet, may I ask for a waltz, my lady?
Maggie Smith: Hilarious One Liner! (they dance)

Anna: Lady Rosamund! That fortune hunter is boffing your maid!
Lady Rosamund: Well. That’s an embarrassing turn of events.
Sir Subplot: We’ll leave first thing in the morning, then.
Daisy: I want a raise!
Mrs. Patmore: Sounds good to me!
Daisy: I still feel bad about William! But now I feel better about myself!

Scene 17: Below Stairs
Anna: Let’s play with a Ouija Board!
Daisy: My new self confidence makes this seem like a good idea!
Ghost Lavinia: OoooOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooooh…I want Mary and Matthew to be happy! OooOOOOooooOOOOOOOh!
Daisy: Gosh, she’s just as soppy as a ghost as she was in real life, ain’t she?
Anna: it’s not our place to speak so of our betters.

Scene 18: Exterior
Matthew: Mary, I’ve decided I was wrong about the whole unholy cousin lust thing, and would like to marry you.
Lady Mary: So you don’t mind that I Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago?
Matthew: No, of course not! I mean, you Had Sex Once, Eight Years Ago; I got engaged to a meek piece of fluff who died in one of the spare rooms and now haunts your family home as a soppy ghost. No one’s perfect. So will you?
Lady Mary: Not until you get down on one knee!
Matthew: Well, it seems excessive to make a man who used to be paralyzed in the legs kneel in poorly rendered CGI snow, but alright. (kneels) Will you marry me?
Lady Mary: Yes!

Ghost Lavinia: OoooooOOOOooooOOOOOoh, I’m so happy for them!
Ghost Pamouk: OoooooOOOooooOOOooh…me too. Wanna bone?

And they all* lived happily ever after. Until next season.

*Except Edith, but seriously. Edith is the worst.

Top Chef: Cookin' in a Winter Wonderland

You know… I was starting a haiku for Beverly, and I couldn’t get past the first line, and I just thought “no. No more. You’ve had one haiku already, Beverly. No more haiku for you.”

And I want to apologize – again again again, I know – for being late on this. I’ve just gotten to a point where this show …

…and it pains me to say this, because for so long, this has been my favorite show. This is not just the shit I watch on Wednesday nights. This is a show I’ve invested in. I follow the 3 main judges and about ten of my favorite former contestants on twitter. I’ve watched every episode (except one) of both of the spin offs. I own all 3 cookbooks, the Trivia game, a Brian Voltaggio bobblehead, and an “I heart Fabio” t-shirt (which I still wear to the gym, even though I no longer heart Fabio). I’ve dropped beaucoup dollars at some of these chefs restaurants (either at a fine restaurant on a one-off or over the course of the many shakes and Obama burgers I’ve scarfed down at Good Stuff)…

…but it’s just not a priority for me anymore. Wednesday nights used to be locked down on my calendar – I could grab a drink after work, maybe, but I had a self imposed 9:45 curfew (and I am a hardass who will ground my own ass if I’m not home on time).

Now? Wednesday night? You want to play pub trivia? You want to grab dinner? You want to …shoot skeet? Go dancing? Well, there you’re out of luck – I hate dance clubs like I hate beets and Rick Santorum. But the rest of it, I’m down for.

I’m still watching, clearly. I’d still watch even if it weren’t for y’all. It’s not like Glee, where if I’m not home for an episode, I delete it off the DVR without watching. But it’s lost the centrality it used to have for me.

So let’s just do this. Bev is out and all is right with the world, and Bravo has loused up the "show shots" again, and here’s your recap.

We open in the scenic airport parking lot in Vancouver. Sarah arrives and waits next to a car for the other chefs. Her goal is to stay calm and be a really nice person. Lindsay and Paul arrive and hug each other. Lindsay says the three of them have a special bond, but it’s weird to see Beverly. They pile into their Toyota. Paul is trying to win for his grandfather, who fled China.

In the Toyota, they find a note instructing them to drive to Whistler and go to the top of the mountain. Beverly talks about having a lot to prove but says she has everything it takes to be Top Chef.

They arrive at Whistler and pile into a gondola which whisks them up to the top of a mountain. Sarah imagines a “skiing relay race” where they have to collect ingredients on their way down the hill.

Tom and Padma await them on top of a hill where Padma is nearly getting blown sideways. So, blah blah blah Olympics and blah blah blah culinary games, and only THREE of them will move on to the final phase of the competition. They’ll have to compete in 3 events, and the winner of each will get $10,000. For the first, they’ll have to cook while in a moving gondola. Paul is not happy, since he gets motion sickness. Oh, and at some point they have to jump out, get another ingredient, and get back in.

Gondola flurry. Paul is nauseous, but makes lamb. Sarah finds the selection a bit daunting, and she can’t get bottles open in the cold. Yeah, I’d be fucked. My fingers go completely numb when I’m cold, AND I get motion sick. Beverly is knocking things over all over the place, and making a cold dish. Lindsay is a bit worried about the challenges of cooking at such high altitude, and her burners tip.

So they hit the peak in shifts. Paul picks Wasabi paste. His lamb isn’t caramelizing the way he wants, so he cuts the pieces smaller. Sarah takes prune juice, which she plans to use to deglaze her chorizo. Beverly grabs horseradish, which she thinks will compliment her white anchovy sauce. Lindsay also grabs the horseradish and plans to use it in a vinaigrette.

Pauls gondola approaches the destination, and he plates quickly. The plates aren’t the way he’d want, though. Commercial.

Back. Paul enters the dining room and serves Gretchen Bleiler, professional snowboarder, who’s there with the judges. Paul explains his Seared Lamb Loin with Curried Mushrooms, Fresh Juniper and Cinnamon Gastrique.

In her gondola, Sarah is having a tough time gauging her time. She comes into the dining room and gives the judges her Chorizo Sausage with Gooseberry Sauce and Pickled Mushrooms. Beverly is trying to find something she can make crispy, and ends up frying some capers. She says she’d totally serve this dish in her restaurant – it’s Salmon Tartare, Anchovy Horseradish Crème Fraiche and Crispy Capers. Finally, Lindsay realizes as her gondola pulls in that she hasn’t made enough salmon, so she halves the portions and carries in her Seared Salmon over Red Quinoa “Risotto” with Chorizo. Oh, god, that all sounds so good to me.

Tom thought Paul’s meat was underseasoned, but he did a nice job. Gail’s meat was unevenly cooked, but she loved the mushrooms and snowboarder girl loves the wasabi. Tom wishes there was more of a prune taste in Sarah’s, and Padma likes the way the gooseberry gave the acid. Gretchen wasn’t expecting a cold dish from Beverly, but Tom thinks the horseradish made the dish. Gail compliments her knife work. Tom tells Lindsay she couldn’t have cooked the salmon any better, and snowboarder girl thins she did a great job.

The judges all scribble names on cards and hand them to Padma, who says that the winner of this round won’t JUST get $10,000, they’ll get passed to the final round in Vancouver, and won’t have to cook in the next 2 events. Tom says they were expecting someone to really stumble, but no one did.

Padma tells them that Paul came in last, and Sarah took 3^rd. So that leaves Lindsay and Beverly, and the winner is…Lindsay. She thinks it feels good, and is awesome to have a guaranteed spot. Padma tells them they’ll see them tomorrow.

The chefs check into the Fairmont Chateau Whistler. Beverly thinks it’s a good sign because her restaurant, Aria, is in the Fairmont Chicago. Ulch. Paul just wants it to be over with.

That night, Sarah and Paul have a confab in one of the bedrooms, and talk about how much it would suck to end up in the last competition, and how they can’t underestimate Beverly. “Beverly has already been eliminated once,” Sarah tells us. “She has nothing to lose at this point. Now, Beverly is ready, she’s focused, she is that silent horse. She wants to be meek and timid and people don’t see her. And then she likes to attack like a tiger.”

That is like a festival of mixed metaphors right there.

The next morning, The three remaining chefs arrive at Whistler Olympic Park, and see the judges with Olympic Gold Medalist Jon Montgomery. He's cute. And only 2 years younger than I am! New crush! Padma unveils their pantry…and we cut to commercial.

Back. The pantry is frozen in ice! “How do you get it out?” Beverly wonders. They’ll have to pick away at the ice blocks to get into them. They have an hour to thaw their ingredients and make them come to life in this dish. Sarah is really nervous, and doesn’t want to go head to head against Beverly. Olympic Gold Medalist guy says something lame comparing the Olympics to Top Chef, and it’s time to start.

Paul and Beverly get into a minor tussle over a crab leg, which seems like a REALLY BAD PLAN when you’re running with ice picks. Actually, Beverly with anything that could be weaponized sounds really bad. Paul gets his crab legs out. Beverly eventually gets some scallops and peas loose, and Paul gets some fruit. He ends up helping Beverly and Sarah crack their blocks, because the challenge should be about the food, not about how many ice blocks you can break. They all start cooking at some point between the 25 and 21 minute mark remaining. Paul makes fun of Sarah for liking the cold and having assimilated to Chicago even though she’s from Houston.

14 minutes. Paul can’t finish his gastrique, so he’s making a mango chutney. Beverly grabs ice shards and puts them in her pan since there’s no liquid. Sarah’s soup separates and breaks because of the cold. Time!

Sarah serves first and presents her Pea and Spinach Soup. Tom thinks the flavor is really good, but Gail says the almonds seem heavy because the soup is so thin. Next up is Paul’s Brown Butter Poached King Crab and Mango Chutney. Gail loves the mango and crab combination, but her mango is still a bit frozen. New Olympics Crush thinks its exceptional. Finally we have Beverly’s Seared Scallop with Red Wine Reduction, Butter Couscous , Peas and Corn. New Olympics Crush asks Bev if she was thinking of any of the other contestants while she was hacking away at the ice. “I can think of one or two she might like to take out,” Gail says drily.

I don’t get this – haven’t the judges all made a point in the past of not commenting on things that happened in the “aired” version of the show that they wouldn’t have been privy to during taping? Were they all this far up Marcel’s ass in Season 2, and I didn’t even notice?

Anyway, Padma says that she likes the sear on the scallop, and that she got the cous cous right.

Padma announces that the winner of the event is Paul. Sarah hugs him. He gets $10,000 and to move on to Vancouver. He’s “warmed up, broken in, and ready to move on to Vancouver.” Bev knows that this is the last chance for her and Sarah to move on. “I think I have the most drive,” she says tearfully (as though there were any other way for Beverly to say things). Sarah is not pleased to have to go head to head with Beverly. Commercial.

Back. Either the next day or later the same day, Beverly and Sarah walk around on some more snow. Beverly interviews that she’s “been bullied a lot and underestimated in this competition” so it feels right to face off against Sarah for the final spot. They meet up with Padma, who’s holding a gun, Tom and Gail, and Olympic Gold medalist Cammi Granato. Padma tells them it’s their last “shot” to move on to the final 3. They’ll compete in a culinary biathalon – cross country skiing through the trees before coming back to the starting point, and shooting targets with the names of their ingredients on them. They’ll have ten bullets, and once an ingredient’s shot, it’s not available to the other.

Beverly has never skied or shot before. Tom tells them this is the closest they’ll ever come to actually shooting and killing something on Top Chef.

So, time starts, and they ski off, Beverly moving swiftly at first before she pauses to take off her hat (stupid move: you lose all your heat through your skull) and then falling down every three steps the rest of the way. She gets to the turn around point before Sarah, but falls again as Sarah approaches and trips Sarah with her ski pole.

Anyway, Beverly gets back to the shooting range first, and shoots Arctic Char on the first try. Sarah makes it back. Beverly misses four shots at Celery Root . Sarah misses her first four shots at rabbit. Beverly gets truffles on her second shot. Sarah gets cabbage on the first shot. Beverly shoots something else. Sarah gets hazelnut on the second shot. Beverly uses her last shot on beets (bleah). And says she can forsee herself in the final 3. Sarah shoots cherries with her final shot.

Beverly gets to the kitchen and starts working on her slow roasted arctic char. Sarah follows and starts on her braised rabbit, and working on something that shows her German heritage. Beverly can’t even toss ingredients in a bowl without throwing them all over the place. She’s worried because there’s no coconut milk or lemongrass in the pantry. Then she takes the outlet in Beverly’s station despite having one at her own.

Eleven minutes. The judges enter a dining room at the Whistler Conference Center -- or Centre, since we're in Canada. Ooh, Canada. You fancy, huh?

Sarah puts out a small fire. Fifty seconds. Time! The servers take out their dishes, and Beverly explains her Arctic Char with Onion and Beet Compote, Celery Root Truffle Puree and Fennel Salad. Sarah’s dish is Braised Rabbit Leg and Heart, Cherries, Cabbage Puree and Hazelnut Sauce with a slice of rabbit heart on top. That sounds really good, and I don’t even eat rabbit (I have too much of an affinity with them. It’d be like eating my spirit animal).

Tom asks Beverly to walk through her thought process, and she does. He likes the dish and the celery root sauce, but thinks it’s slightly overcooked. Gail likes the flavor combination, and skier lady thought it was very delicious.

Tom tells Sarah she took risks by making sauerkraut and braising the rabbit in such a short time. The hockey lady wanted another bite right away, but Gail thought the rabbit was a little tough. Tom says they’re both good dishes, and they haven’t made it easy for them. Padma sends them out of the room. They end up back in the kitchen. Beverly thinks it’s going to be really close.

Hockey lady thought the cherries and hazelnuts in Sarah’s were a great combination, and Tom loved the way she incorporated the ingredients and the heart. Gail still says it’s tough. Gail just hates everyone but Beverly, doesn’t she?

Apparently, because she launches into an enthusiastic list of the “smart things Beverly did” in her dish. Hockey lady liked the beets and onions, but Tom says the char was underseasoned. Padma says it’s sad that one’s going home tonight, but they have an answer. Commercial.

Fakeback. Paul and Lindsay enter the kitchen and hug the remaining two and ask them about the feedback. Lindsay hopes Sarah can get to the final round with them. Paul says the most surprising thing about Beverly is how tough she is.

Back. This is the part I made it home in time for on Wednesday. Tom says Sarah’s dish was well thought out, but the rabbit could either have been cooked more or cooked less. Beverly went in an earthy direction rather than her usual Asian flavors. But only one can make it through.

Padma tells Beverly to pack her knives and go. Her voice breaks on the go. Beverly blabs something about an awesome opportunity, and hugs Sarah. Padma is clearly crying as they cut to her face. Jesus, did Beverly blow them all under the table or something? Why this unprecedented display of crying from Padma.

Beverly goes back and gets hugged by the others, and yammers stupid self help shit about how far she’s come and how hard she’s fought.

Padma congratulates Sarah on going to the finale and winning $10,000. Sarah had forgotten the $10,000. She goes back to the kitchen and gives Beverly a long hug, and they lie to each other about how amazing they are. Beverly cries some more in an interview.

Next “this time, Beverly’s not coming back. It’s only going to get harder. Why’d I make pasta. Is this supposed to be so frozen. Only two of you will move onto the finale.

Ok, what? That is some bullshit. I want this season to be over. Fucking Bravo and their fucking two week finale.

Project Runway All Stars: The Roar of the Judges, the Smell of the Gowns

Kara, stop crying
It can’t be as bad as that.
Oh wait. Spoke too soon…

Guys, right before my alarm went off this morning, I dreamt that after Kara was offed, Mila – who, in my dream, had won the challenge for that hideous piece of nonsense -- followed her to the workspace, looking for a dramatic made-for-TV type confrontation, and ended up trying to beat and choke her to death, Chris Brown style.

I think this says a few things:

1. 1. I am more invested in this show than I should be, given that it’s been a relatively tedious and drama free season.

2. 2. I thought that the judging last night was sufficiently crack-a-doodle-doo that I would not have been shocked if they’d rewarded the faux fur mess that Mila made for the star of Coke Whore: The Musical. I was down with the top and the ouster, truly, but some of what they thought was top or bottom material seemed dreadfully misaligned to me.

3. 3, Mila kind of skurrrrs me, for some reason.

When I was jolted awake by my alarm (after an additional brief dream segment where I was walking across my childhood neighbors’ yard and ended up thigh-deep in a marshy puddle being mocked by the kid who plays Ryan in Suburgatory), I was relieved to remember that none of that had actually happened, except for Kara’s ousting.

And that….I can’t and won’t argue with. I like Kara, both as a designer and a reminder of what the show used to be. But her work in All Stars has been consistently below the curve. And then there’s the crying. Oy, the crying.

(Speaking of the crying, oy the crying, and of things that are relatively tedious – though not drama free – but which I’m not invested in, or not invested enough to stay home on Wednesday night if I have a better offer, Top Chef sometime tomorrow, poppies. And yes, I’m ecstatic that Beverly is out, again, and for keeps this time [we hope. Jebus, don’t let there be another twist where that mildewing human kitchen sponge gets to come back in])

But let’s take care of the matter at hand, shall we?

Morning breaks over the Flatotel as Austin does Kenley’s hair. Two seconds in, and the episode has already given me a new life goal: I want Austin to move in with me and do my hair. Every morning. In return, I will do all the cooking and pay the rent. Everyone is shocked about Rami going home. “Eventually, they all have to go so I can get my check,” Jerell says.

The designers head off to Circle in the Square Theatre where UnHeidi greats them, a Project Runway screen on one side of her and a Godspell screen on the other. Let me be frank: as big a theatre geek as I have been my entire life, I’ve never seen Godspell and don’t know what it’s about (though I’m told it has something to do with Jesus). BUT! I do know some of the songs, because the church I grew up going to was sufficiently strange and hippieish in its orientation that we used “Prepare Ye” and “Day by Day” in Mass on a regular basis (we also had priests who wore Birkenstocks, and folding chairs instead of pews. It was awesome, and probably why I’ve never been able to achieve the same degree of angry disenfranchisement from Catholicism that many people do).

Let’s pause for a moment and take in the fact that Kenley is wearing the world’s most ridiculous hat. I can’t even.

Anyway, composer Stephen Schwartz comes out and tells them that the winner will have his or her design featured in Godspell, and a bio in Playbill. UnHeidi then brings out Danny Goldstein, the director, and one of the actresses, Uzo Aduba. She is playing a very rich woman who likes everyone to know how rich she is. The show is characterized by a vintage, thrift store-y feel. And it’s a separates challenge, since the actors have to put it on her on stage. They have $200 and a day.

Next they have 30 minutes to sketch in the theatre. Mondo thinks this will be a tricky challenge for everyone because of the preconceptions they all have about Broadway. Then it’s off to Mood, for 30 minutes of shopping. Austin wants a fabric that “will just speak luxury, opulence, conspicuous consumption, richness.” Kara is making a “fur type stole jacket.” Austin talks about loving Kara’s roller coaster emotions.

Back at the 1407 workspace, Kenley says she has to get her curlers out. Oh, thank god, that was a curler cap, not a hat she thought was modish. She’s making a brocade top. Jerell is making a lamé piece with a peplum. Kara is hoping the judges will notice the clean lines and simple, chic aesthetic. She and Kenley dance around, and Mila complains about how she can’t deal with their “unnecessary, over the top love of one another’s designs,” and thinks they’ll have a breakdown when one of them is eliminated. This is why people have dreams about you trying to choke out the other designers, Mila. Stuff like this. Commercial.

Back. Sew sew sew, cut cut cut. Austin is excited about the possibility of having a Broadway debut. Mondo does an extended pitch for the Neiman Marcus accessory wall.

Joanna arrives for her Joannathru and talks about how exciting this challenge is. She starts by meeting with Austin. His look is inspired by Marie Antoinette. Joanna loves it because it reminds her of “is it hideous or is it fabulous?” She thinks Kara’s look isn’t ambitious enough, and that she’s not pushing herself. Kara cries in an interview.

Joanna heads over to Mila, who she nudges toward doing a pencil skirt because that says power to her. She then tells Mondo that she was in Godspell at one point. She loves the fabric of his jacket, which is meant to reflect the character’s father’s old smoking jacket. To Jerell, she thinks he’s got a lot going on with his jacket and doesn’t need to do too much accessorizing. She nearly dies over the fact that Kenley doesn’t have polka dots for once. Kenley’s also not accessorizing because there’s a lot going on with her fabric.

Joanna says she’s impressed with their talent, tells them to “break a leg,” and leaves. Kara continues crying a bit about what Joanna said. Michael hits her and says “why are you crying?” I’m sure the shoulder smack was really helpful with the tears situation. Then he and Mondo hug her.

Model fitting. Mondo thinks his outfit is looking heavy, overthought, and overdone. He’s going to rework it. The models leave, giving them a half hour more of work time. Kara cautions Mondo not to get himself in a tizzy, because she did and it doesn’t help. Mondo reflects on the tough time he had last week, and says it’s hard to come back from that and do good work. Mila doesn’t see “a whole lot of other elements” to Kara’s look. Commercial.

Back. It’s the next day, and they head back to the workroom. Mondo says he has to go through a dark place to make himself work harder, so he tells himself he’s stuck to push himself. Mila is working on the fur jacket, and feels like a “crazy cat woman.” As a crazy cat woman, I object to Mila’s derision. Austin doesn’t have time to finish things the way he needs to. Then he gets upset about Jerell using the machine he wanted.

The models enter for their final fitting. Michael has to make straps to keep his model’s shoes on. The models go and get their hair and makeup done with the usual product placement nonsense and flood of terms like “old Hollywood glamour.”

Ten minutes remaining. Kara body checks Kenley’s model. Mondo thinks Kara pushed her look right up to the edge, but not over. Austin doesn’t get “bitchy drama queen” from Michael C.’s (he calls him Michael C too! I realize I’ve finally broken myself of the habit, but it’s nice to know that Austin’s in that boat with me. Clearly this means he should come and live with me and do my hair every morning) he gets “mother of the bride.” Mila is piling accessories on her look, which Jerell thinks looks like a “girl who can’t get into the club.” Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi comes onto the runway wearing a dress that looks like poured silver. “Ooooh,” the designers say, showing interest in UnHeidi for the first time ever. The judges are Mrs. Weinstein, Isaac, and Sutton Foster. Sutton Foster is adorable.

The show opens with Michael Costello’s look, which is a costume for the Ambassador of Lettuce from Salad: the Musical or something. “I wanna know who she is,” he says. Um, Michael, I just told you. She’s the Ambassador of Lettuce. Dur.

Kenley’s is next, with her costume for Vintage Store: The Musical. I LOVE the jacket. It’s the bomb. Not 100% crazy about the way the prints work together, but I get it. My real concern is that it’s maybe more actual clothes that someone with total balls about combining prints would wear in real life than it is a costume.

You can really kind of see the French “decadent aristocrat” influence in Austin’s costume in Let Them Eat Cake! The Musical, which is a rock-opera-bio of Marie Antoinette, but re-set to take place in the modern day club scene. Seriously, though, it’s pretty awesome – the modern elements and the over the top brocades he’s used work really nicely together.

Jerell has made a costume for Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest: the Musical. This is what Joan wears at the mid-point of the second act, when she brings down the house with her rousing solo “Don’t Fuck With Me, Fellas!”

Kara’s…Ok, the skirt is fine, I don’t love the way the stole works for it because it bulks the whole thing up, and it may be a bit too normal. It’s like a costume for Here Are Some Clothes I Found: The Musical.

Mondo has mande an insanely gorgeous Belle Epoque loungey masterpiece that the heroine wears in Klimt’s “The Kiss”: The Musical. In motion, it has the same kind of poured metal effect that UnHeidi’s dress did when she came out onto the runway.

Mila has made a terrible skirt and a cheap looking faux fur jacket for the secondary lead to wear in Lookin’ For a Good Time, Fellas?: The Musical. The character who wears this makes a splashy enterance in the first act as part of the group singing the splashy tune “No Names and No Kissing” and dies in the second after the mournful ballad “There’s Bugs Under My Skin.” Mila says it’s a “notice me outfit.” I say it’s a “drug addled hooker from the ‘80s” outfit.

Jerell is the only one UnHeidi asks to step forward. He’s safe. The rest are either the top or the bottom, and this is where the whole experiment goes slightly catty-wampus in my eyes.

The judges begin with Michael, who tried to put “humor” into his outfit. “It’s very lovely. I wish it was slightly more eccentric,” Mrs. Weinstein says. Wait, they like this? This embarrassing piece of shit? The Ambasador of Lettuce dress is in the top? For reals? I guess so, because Sutton says it draws her eye and she looks like a rich party girl.

Isaac tells Kenley she’s flying in their faces a bit, and she needs to tweak it a little bit. Mrs. Weinstein says she cut the coat really well, but there might be one too many elements. Sutton Foster wants to wear it in real life, but thinks on stage it will blend rather than pop. UnHeidi doesn’t think she looks rich enough.

Mrs. Weinstein thinks Austin did a great job, as does Sutton. UnHeidi loves the silhouette, but Isaac thinks it borders on too young. He really likes it though, and this is where we get the “Scarlet/Starlet” confrontation we’ve been seeing since the “This Season On” montage in the first episode. It’s much less adversarial than it seems in the previews. Seriously, you could write a book on the misleading way Lifetime cuts their promos – the preview could show Mila chasing one of the other designers with a knife screaming “I want you to die!!!!!” and in the episode, the rest of the sentence would go “….of happiness when you eat a slice of this delicious birthday cake I’ve made you.”

Isaac likes the pieces of Mila’s (seriously? You like that dustrag skirt and mangey coat?), but doesn’t think they work together. Sutton Foster says it borders on “Someone who might walk the streets,” and says it feels gaudy, not wealthy.

Mondo explains his smoking jacket inspiration. Isaac says the model is “so sexy in a crazy passive aggressive way.” And there again we have a new life goal – be “sexy in a crazy passive aggressive way” rather than just “crazy and passive aggressive.”. Mrs. Weinstein loves the layering of the fabrics.

Finally, Kara explains her inspiration. UnHeidi loves the red pop of the skirt, but finds the bow in front bulky. Isaac says it’s the best she’s done, but it needs to go further. Mrs. Weinstein says there are little issues that throw her, like the angle on the skirt slit. UnHeidi thanks them and sends them off.

The judges begin with the favorites, like Michael’s which reminds UnHeidi of the Chiquita Banana Woman. This is apparently a good thing, now. Something that reminds you of Chiquita Banana is a good thing. Sutton Foster says his outfit doesn’t let her know who the character is. Isaac says Mondo’s dress is so gorgeous it could’ve taken 2 weeks. Mrs. Weinstein says you always feel like he knows his woman. They love Austin’s too.

On the bottom, they “go directly to Mila’s look.” “She looks like she uses drugs, this girl,” Isaac says bluntly. Sutton Foster calls it “Pretty Woman…before she gets pretty.” Isaac didn’t like Kara’s, even though he thought it was her best work to date. Mrs. Weinstein says her colors and proportions make it “almost good, but not.” UnHeidi thinks Kenley heard the vintage aspect of the challenge, but not the rich woman aspect. They’ve reached a decision, and call the designers back out. Commercial.

Back. UnHeidi tells Michael he’s safe. Either Mondo or Austin is the winner, and…it’s ….Mondo! Yay! He thanks the judges, and interviews that after last week, the win is so validating. Austin is also in, and assured that it was a tough decision. Kenley is safe too.

So it’s down to Mila and Kara. Mila is a master of geometrics, but didn’t pull it off this time. They’re proud of the way Kara stepped out of her comfort zone, but her construction was off. Mila….is safe. So Kara is out, inevitably. She says she gave all that she had every time. Everyone hugs her and assures her that her kids are proud of her. She says she’s learned how much she’s grown in 5 years, and how much growing she has left.

Next: The United Nations. I’m not a geography major. Are you convinced you can stand out? Why is she still here. It’s disturbing to look at. I get Communism from this dress.